DVDVR Road Report- NWA-VA 3/15/2003- Richmond, VA

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

PRESTON QUINN rules the entire motherfucking world. SONJAY DUTT! is loved by children and adults alike! Chino Martinez and Robert Royal wrestle each other FOUR TIMES! Neal Sharkey and Rick O'Brien IN A CAGE ALREADY! and other stuff from NWA-VA tonite

 

Ryan calls while I`m taking a nap and- later that night- he admitted to me that he called me right after he had taken a nap and we are both old old men with toddlers in the house keeping us from ever sleeping again. Satan Pro calls at five minutes to 7 and says that he is running late and would meet us there. Though we do not ride in the NinjaScrollMobile, we do get to the astoundingly swanky Blackwell Community Center in the industrial section of Southside Richmond- down from the DuPont Plant and Philip Morris- in like five minutes. We are taken aback- I quip ``What is this- the Dallas Cowboy Training Facility?`` Ah, the wonders of the Richmond Redevelopment Authority. Anyhoos, Ryan (mulDOOMSTONE to those who read the board) smokes and smokes and smokes outside and we enter. We go straight to the concession stand and I say FUCK THE WORLD. I tell the lady behind the counter, ``Give me a..................... CHILI DOG.`` Though Lil Hug-less, they do have Simply soda Grape so I satiate my thirsthole. Fat Ass Dave is there and we try to figure out if we have ever been to an indie show at a better building. We meet up with JT who has ADORABLE pictures of the baby. Zhixel walks in with... YES!... THE GIANT PANTS! Brian then comes in sporting the swanky In Flames t-shirt and we wonder where Satan Pro is. I assume he ended up by Philip Morris, others guessed Shockoe Bottom. There`s a pretty good crowd (I`m assuming they will need to go out and get more chairs for the May 10th show) and we sit in front of some guys who rode down with Ryan Spade and who were fun to listen to all night. Rob Hoffman hits the ring and we make fun of his hair and his suit and his tie because it`s Rob! We can all outrun him! Even me n Satan Pro! And the card is underway.

 

DAMIEN WAYNE vs MIKE BOOth...uh...I mean MR X!: This match was fucking beautiful. Wayne is super old school and the whole match is based on him working on Mr X`s arm and Mr X making these hot comebacks. Both these guys were trained by PQ and Phil Brown so they punch like motherfuckers and try to make it look real- so I loved this match. Wayne is just AWESOME. I can see now why Fat Ass Dave is so high on him. Just about as fundamentally sound as you can find in a professional wrestling. Wayne kills X with something and evil prevails

 

SANJAY DUTT vs BRANDON DAY: Sanjay Dutt is great as a face because the kids take to him instantly. Brandon Day continues to impress me with his gigantic bumping and how well he moves around the ring for a bigger guy. Dutt was making with the highspots early including the BEAUTIFUL somersault plancha to the floor and snapping off these beautiful ranas and flying headscissors. It wasn`t very deep psychologically- as the finishing sequence was pretty much both of them killing each other with finishers- but the finishers were really great looking- especially Day`s Jumping Powerbomb and Dutt`s Shiranui. Dutt wins with a standing moonsault and children erupt in cheer and it was great. Kids+Wrestling=Greatness.

 

BIGGIE BIGGS vs RYAN SPADE with that evil bastard Neal Sharkey: Sharkey is great at picking fights with children- it`s a God given gift and I`m glad he got into managing champions in professional wrestling so I can watch children threaten to beat his scrawny ass. It`s... it`s existentially and transcendently surreal. He is a genius. But not enough of a genius to save this match. It wasn`t horrible or anything. Spade worked on Biggie`s leg and the crowd never got behind Biggie so a match based on heat being put on him wasn`t working. I forget who won. Sharkey is your evil weasly Daddy.

 

CHINO MARTINEZ vs ROBERT ROYAL: This was the third match of the best of seven series and those of us who go to every NWA-VA show know that this series has been going on for like THREE years and they`ve only had two matches. I tell Zicks that when they finally get the belt on one of these guys, the first defense will be against the winner of the Jushin thunder Lyger Jr vs El Hijo del Magnum Tokyo contenders match. I kill me. Sharkey comes out and the CHILDREN ARE ENRAGED! ENRAGED! The children of Richmond WANT SHARKEY`S BIG FAT ASS HANGING FROM A POLE! This is kind of a miracle match because the heat goes through the ROOF after Royal cheats to win. Martinez gets on the stick and says he isn`t leaving Richmond until this series is settled and we in the audience FREAK OUT because we can get this all over with IN OUR LIFETIME! Rob Hoffman assumes the role of commisioner (which he doesn`t actually hold, the WEASEL!) and demands that Royal honor Martinez` challenge and they have match four! Royal and Martinez are astoundingly average wrestlers (though Martinez throws a good elbow and Royal will take a Diehard Kansai like a MAN) but the angle pumped this up into something special. After Martinez gets the pin, the chant for ``Match Five!`` kicks right in and Martinez hits the Toprope Black Tiger Driver that Royal takes so MANnishly. Royal tries to walk out with Sharkey but Martinez knocks their heads together as the crowd chants ``Match Six!`` Hoffman calls out that as soon as they hit the ring, it`s match six and we all party and freak out. I forget how Martinez wins but he does and we are all stoked about getting this whole thing over with in one night. Promotor Rick O`Brien enters the ring and says the final will be at the May 10th show and we all go along because they covered so much ground in one night and the four falls were waaaaaaaaaaaay more fun then they should EVER have been (considering that Royal threw some ASTOUNDINGLY shitty punches at one point). O`Brien berates Royal and Royal berates O`Brien until Sharky whacks O`Brien in the head with a chain and WE WANT SHARKEY vs O`BRIEN IN A CAGE! FIRST BLOOD! O`Brien then says that the final of the best of seven will be a Singapore Cane Match and we all say, ``sounds good.``

 

INTERMISSION: Me n Satan Pro have the COLON BLOW INVITATIONAL as he has the chili dog and I have the nachos with chili. We ask JT to map a chart of the fastest path to the terlit. We laff and laff and laff. Zicks introduces us to his pals not from Amelia, Tim and Chris (I think. I am ever so old.) They have tattoos and piercings and fax machines and hula hoops like those young people today have. None of the three had a kind word for Dinwiddie county. I take up for it by mentioning a good tack shop that sells cowboy boots in Dinwiddie. Even III don`t know why I brought that up and I skulk back to my seat.

 

Rob Hoffman introduces this Irish gimmick guy- Jed Beauregarde O`Hanrahan or something. He comes out and does this River dance and we all freak out! He then talks about- in the heaviest Western Virginian Accent Imaginable- how he is from the mean streets of Belfast and how he has a pot of gold that he will put up every match. He has this little black kettel with him. I look over to Ryan who is in complete disbelief and laughing like a FIEND. I look into my soul and we both agreed that he is our favoriteest wrestler ever. Sharkey and Spade come out and beat him to death.

 

DRAGEN FROST with Kylie McLain vs DIRTY MONEY: This was fine. Kylie argued with children and cheated like a motherfucker. Frost can work a match and Dirty Money is really good. Zicks waxes poetic about missing Kameo at ringside and we all in our row weep loves bitter tears. Tears of remembrance. Remembrance of her skirt. A Skirt covering her big ole BUTT. I can`t remember what Dirty Money won with but it was kind of out of nowhere. (I`ve drank NOTHING all week. I swear.) Postmatch, Kylie gets up in Money`s face and starts smacking him. Money tries to be gentlemanly, but Kylie pushes him over the edge and assumes the roll of Glenn Campbell to Kylie McLean`s Tanya Tucker just long enough for Frost to get to back up and make the beatdown. There isn`t much else I remember from this match. It has faded into the ether...

 

PRESTON QUINN vs GREG STEEL: Greg Steel is fucking good now. He and PQ brought the stiff like a motherfucker and this gets me pretty fucking torqued about Quinn vs Corino. Quinn is working the fucking GREAT gimmick of being a true NWA champion and defends the belt in that weirdass style of not really working heel or face but as NWA Champion heel- a heel that is respected because he is the champ. Those of you young folk out there don`t remember when the NWA champion would come to town and defend the belt. He would wrestle heel because he had to keep the belt and you didn`t hate him for that and that`s how this match went. Greg Steel wrestled as tough local babyface shooting for the belt and Quinn spent the match trying to beat him down and put him away. Quinn was on offense for most of the match, taking it to the mat and working the headlock and armbar moving into beating the holy living fuck out of him with punches and chops and then hitting his fucking AWESOME finishers. Quinn hits a fucking Brainbuster that looked BETTER than Dick Murdock. He hit the jumping piledriver like Jerry Lawler. He did that fucking AWESOME Cobra Clutch sequence that now has a fourth section after the Cobra Clutch Suplex part where he goes straight back into the Cobra Clutch and starts headbutting Steel. We fucking lost our minds. Steel acquitted himself with some really nice suplexes and this superslick Flair flip over the toprope directly into a Springboard Lariat. It was a beautiful match. PQ retains. I await May 10th with baited breath.

 

Postmatch, me JT n Ryan quickly exit to avoid further beatings from the better halves. Dave and Brian speak of drunkeness at the Sweetwater. Satan Pro was undecided. I get home and DUCT TAPE FOREVER is on PBS and could this be the best night ever?

 

DEAN.

[Guest j.o.b. squad]

sounds like a good show and duck tape forever was a cool movie

 

also which dances did dutt do.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

He just did a gigantic backflip off the toprope into the ring and children screeched in approval. It was great.

 

DEAN.