Moving Right Along

[Guest TSMAdmin]

In case any of you are wondering why I haven’t written a thing in something like two months, I actually do have a good excuse. See folks, business classes teach you that you should only provide enough supply to meet the amount of demand that your product generates. For instance, if you can sell 500 units of goodness, you might as well make at least that many. So, since two whole people asked me about writing another column, I figured it was time to break out the old word processor once again to bring you what you’ve all been chomping at the bit to get. That’s right! Another in the classic series of goodness that you all know and love called Moving Right Along!

 

Okay… so I don’t have a good excuse, but that excuse has already produced more writing for the site than I have done in the last couple of months. So already, I bring you content by the bucketful and I haven’t even mentioned Wrestling in the slightest! Take note folks this is how Scott Keith makes his columns so damn long. Not by giving you interesting insights into anything, but by telling you about new additions to his DVD collection. Still, it is funny that Dames doesn’t bother with that noise with his NWA recaps and still manages to get similar word counts for his diatribes. Of course, I still get the impression that Dames actually enjoys watching wrestling.

 

There seems to be a rumor going around the boards right now that the RAW brand tag team title match is going to take place on the Sunday Night Heat pre game show before the actual pay per view. Of course, this has led to unbridled outrage by a couple of people who think Rob Van Dam and Kane deserve to make the pay per view and that the Miller Lite catfight girls quite simply don’t. Well, I guess that’s a fair point and all considering RVD and Kane are still quite over despite the atrocious booking that they (especially Kane) have had to suffer through in their recent pasts. I can’t really see getting totally up in arms about it though, considering they are facing the black holes of wrestling personality that are Chief Morley and Lance Storm. I am totally up for getting more good matches onto a card that seems hinged on a rather suspect series of main events, but Morley and Storm aren’t the guys to be bringing that noise regardless of their opponents. Not because they can’t put on a wristlock or anything, but because they have all the personality of a rock. At least with William Regal, you got funny faces to look at every once in a while but in this match, I really can’t say I care enough about it to get upset about where it is.

 

If I was the type to complain about matches or the lack thereof, I would be far more concerned with people that are being left off the card in its entirety. Christian, The Hurricane, Tajiri, Jamie Noble and Nunzio are just a few of the names of talented guys that are getting pushed aside this pay per view so there is more room for Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon to have more time for their “20 years in the making” crap attack. As though anyone twenty years ago said to himself that Hogan should really be beating up the announcer with the really ugly suits and helmet hair. But regardless, the WWE is really hurting this Wrestlemania for a match that’s going to steal the show if Shawn Michaels’ back can not hold up under the pressure and Jericho displays some of his trademark clumsiness.

 

There’s also been a world of speculation that former WCW Champion Bill

Goldberg will be making his entry very soon into the WWE fold. Now to some people, this is the worst thing ever because Goldberg ended Bret Hart’s career (which is debatable considering the amount of wear and tear accumulated injuries had taken on Bret before that even happened). To others, Goldberg is a welcome addition to the roster that will be

entertaining using his energy and image to carry over the excitement that Bill originally created through his multiple beatings of Jerry Flynn. Finally there is another group that just thinks Goldberg will be another “quick fix” to the ratings that won’t work. I, on the other hand, personally just don’t give two shakes of a lamb’s tail. Yeah, you got it. I don’t care. I know that it is pretty much my goal here to have actual opinions on stuff but Goldberg just brings out absolutely no feeling in me one way or another. If he succeeds, fails, dances a jig … I plan on having absolutely no emotions on the matter unless something drastic happens. I’ve got myself down for a "shrug" sometime in April in case anyone cares enough to track these things.

 

Look! A Wrestlemania PREVIEW!!!

 

You almost never see these! Anyway, I’m splitting this all up by who is going to win and how well the match will turn out.

 

WWE Title Match

Kurt Angle © vs. Brock Lesnar

 

Talk about your forgone conclusions about who is going to go over huh? This is one of those cases where it’s probably a whole lot more interesting to follow if you don’t follow the Internet. But with Kurt’s neck, the way it is there is no earthly reason not enter into the era of Brock Lesnar and let him try to run with the ball for a while. Quite frankly, there is no one on the SmackDown side that is really ready to be at the top of the card other than Lesnar right now, so he should be the one with the belt. Simplicity is always your friend.

To Win: Brock Lesnar

 

The match itself entirely hinges on just how awkward Kurt is going to end up looking to the fans at home. I can certainly understand watching this entire match with one hand over your eyes at every bump the former Olympian takes from the rather loose Lesnar. But barring any injury, this should be a generally entertaining, but simplistic contest since neither Angle nor Brock are known for their deep understanding of wrestling.

Stars: ** - ***

 

World Title Match

HHH vs. Booker T

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your holding down jokes… now! Seriously though, I think the winds of change are blowing here for no really good reason. I just get the impression that WWE is going to end up putting Triple H against Austin in the near future. And, should that impression be accurate, I also don’t think Vince wants to hand Austin the world title again considering how volatile Austin has proven to be in the last few years. So, the best course of action would be to float the belt to someone else for a while to see what happens. Booker T is as good a choice as anyone, and should look forward to a feud with the also victorious Jericho afterwards. Ignore everything you hear about Kevin Nash, he’s a non-factor.

To Win: Booker T

 

Triple H shows signs of his former self against the right opponents, and the tag matches with Booker have been mostly positive. That said, neither guy is going to set the world on fire and are far more likely to trade strikes back and forth rather than knuckle down on anything more intelligent than that. The most psychology you might see in this will be Booker countering the pedigree. Other than that, don’t hold your breath.

Stars: *½ - **

 

The Rock vs. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin

 

The Rock will job to anything walking the face of the earth. Austin is more likely to hop in his truck and leave. Who do you think is more likely to end up on his back by the end of the night? I don’t care how many times Rock has put over Austin at a Wrestlemania, he’s going to end up doing it again.

To Win: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin

 

The magic is gone. Austin is a physical mess who, while a better technical wrestler than The Rock will ever be, doesn’t seem to have a thimbleful of The Rock’s energy right now. And without that ability to kick it up to another gear when he wants to, Austin is basically any other brawler that knows a suplex. The Rock will sell like a champ and try to drag Austin along in his wake, but without working full time Rock can’t pull off the miracles anymore either.

Stars: *½ - **½

 

Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels

 

Michaels doesn’t have anything left in the tank creatively speaking and is just one bad back bump away from having to get himself carried out of the building. Jericho has been providing the WWE with a number of fine carry jobs with complete wastes like Test and Scott Steiner and is ready to step into the main events again against the World Champion. I can’t foresee Vince having any more plans for Shawn after this match, so who goes over should be obvious even for WWE.

To Win: Chris Jericho

 

I think Shawn has it in him to get another good match out of his body at this point against Jericho. Without having to work against his usual monster opposition, Michaels won’t have to bump around quite so much while Jericho puts him through his paces. Expect something along the lines of the Michaels-Bret Hart series of matches to be produced here as these guys take it to the mat for a while before breaking out the more crowd-pleasing entertainments. This will be the match of the night but won’t be considered come yearend honors.

Stars: **½ - ***½

 

Hulk Hogan Retirement Match

”Hollywood” Hulk Hogan vs. Vince McMahon

 

Even Vince hasn’t been crazy enough to put himself over in singles matches as a heel. Don’t expect that trend to change here as Hogan does his usual before dropping a leg just like always to get the win. Even a run in to cost Hogan the match won’t work with the retirement stipulation hanging over their heads.

To Win: Hulk Hogan

 

It will be complete and total crap. It will also probably be fun complete and total crap if only to see Vince do the gulp in terror during the Hulk up. Bonus points if Hogan breaks out “Real American” and retires after the match is over anyway.

Stars: ½ - *½

 

WWE Tag Team Titles Match

Team Angle © vs. Los Guerreros vs. Chris Benoit and Rhyno

 

Team Angle is dead in the water without Kurt to get them heat, so look for WWE to sink their push in a hot second. That leaves only Los Guerreros and Rhyno/Benoit as actual options for this match in my mind. And since I don’t suspect that Rhyno and Benoit are going to be together much longer as a team with the state of the upper card the way it is, I would mark Chavo and Eddie as the clear favorites.

To Win: Los Guerreros

 

You’d think with the top two workers in the federation in one match and no one that actively stinks, that this match would be a barnburner. Well, you’d be wrong. Triple Threat matches almost never gel the way they are supposed to and commonly bring the level of action down to a lower level. Not to mention that Haas, Benjamin, and Chavo are most likely going to want to keep the match on the ground; we aren’t looking at a classic by any stretch. It should be perfectly acceptable though.

Stars: ** - ***

 

WWE Cruiserweight Title Match

Matt Hardy, Version 1 © vs. Rey Mysterio

 

Rey should be the standard bearer for the Cruiserweight division already by this point, but I don’t think WWE sees it that way. Quite frankly, I believe that WWE wants to keep Rey floating among the heavyweights while they would prefer to have Matt stay down with the cruiserweights in the undercard and provide them with a personality focus for guys like Kidman and Kendrick to work off. So, for this match I’m going to say that Rey gets the win, but Matt manages to escape with the title

To Win: Rey Mysterio by DQ

This should be your standard Matt Hardy contest. Where its fun while it lasts, but you’ll forget about it a half an hour later. Rey, on the other hand, is usually hampered when he doesn’t have another high-flyer to trade spots with or a veteran to pull in his reigns. Sadly, Matt doesn’t fit into either of those categories at this point in his career.

Stars: ** - ***

 

 

Undertaker and Nathan Jones vs. A-Train and The Big Show

 

The only push A-Train against Rey Mysterio and The Big Show hasn’t had a big win since the whole Brock Lesnar debacle. While on the other side, Undertaker is in a constant state of getting a push while Jones is finally debuting his in ring … ha … skills. Unless we get a turn here with Jones finally snapping or some junk, expect the Dead man’s streak to keep on trucking.

To Win: The Undertaker and Nathan Jones

 

Oh my god. When the Undertaker and A-Train are obviously the better members of their teams by a huge margin, you just know this is going to be one for the ages. Jones will be the one to watch in this mess since he is far worse than Scott Steiner right now, and doesn’t even have a dead foot to blame it on. The drinking games begin as we count up the number of times this no talent blows complex spots like the clothesline.

Stars: DUD – *

 

WWE Women's Title Match

Victoria © vs. Trish Stratus vs. Jazz

 

Trish is the Jerry Lawler of the woman’s division where every few months a new woman comes in and takes her title only to have Trish come back and win it at a later date. Victoria’s day might be over right here, although I expect this triangle feud to continue for a while since no one seems to be on the horizon other than Gail Kim (who seems ear marked for SmackDown according to reports).

To Win: Trish Stratus

 

It should be passable since all of these ladies are actually schooled on how to work a match. The outside factors in this match should prove mildly diversionary as well as Jeff Hardy and Steven Richards are bound to show up sooner or later. But once again, Triple Threat matches aren’t usually very good and these ladies haven’t proven a great deal of adaptability.

Stars: * - **

 

And there you have it. Wrestlemania is not going to be the be all to end all as far as the quality of the work is concerned, but should prove to be mildly entertaining as they blow off a few feuds and head towards a new status quo in the company. This has been Mark Goodhart reminding you, that you can get in touch with me at [email protected], read my archives on the board, and beat my ass in the SWF at the very bottom of the board. Goodnight everybody.