Spoon-Fed RAW for March 31st, 2003

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Welcome to the first EVA~ Spoon-Fed RAW, as JHawk is pulling Smackdown for the next few weeks while DrTom recovers from his sex change operation. Apparently it isn’t good to sit up a lot when you have new surgically attached breasts or something. You think I’m lying? Go ahead and E-mail him to ask him about it. He isn’t scheduled to have the operation until Wednesday, so he was able to put up a review of Wrestlemania XIX to tide you over until Dames shows up with his Diatribe. Go read both.

 

You may or may not remember me from my Tough Enough reports, which I did on a weekly basis until my computer decided that an internet wrestling writing career wasn’t what it wanted, due to its insatiable appetite for simply letting the mouse do all the work and surf Kylie Minogue websites and let the keyboard gather dust by NOT LETTING ME WORK ANY PROGRAM THAT RESEMBLED A WORD PROCESSOR.

 

Enough about me, on with RAW!

 

Show opens with the closing Wrestlemania package from last night, which I didn’t see due to wanting to get out of the sports bar. They made the failed Shooting Star Press look like the finish of the main event and there wasn’t a clip moment given to Booker T’s Houston Hangover.

 

Union Underground screams a lot, and we’re LIVE~ in Seattle again, although at a much smaller venue.

 

The Rock is attended to backstage by a makeup dude named Fernando (who would be over like THAT if they let Abba do his theme) and tells us through his berating of Fernando that it’s Rock Appreciation Night and his face can’t get any smoother... but he could use another dab.

 

Glass breaks, and here comes Stone Cold Steve Austin. He’s not really upset that he lost to The Rock last night, and is so impressed by Rock being the better man that he invites The Rock out to shake his hand. We wait, and wait... and we get Eric Bischoff instead. Bischoff says that Austin has some secrets that we don’t know about. I’m reminded of last night when I said that Rock should have not only worn Austin’s vest but also beaten up a blowup doll and fear that Bischoff will make the Debra beating “public” to WWE world. Fortunately, he isn’t. Instead, he says that Austin spent the night before Wrestlemania at the hospital because his neck is in terrible condition and paralysis is possible. Of course, he doesn’t do this in those few words, he reads off of a record he got from the hospital and bores the crowd, with some people legitimately asking “What?” when he’s done. Austin gets mad that Bischoff is in his personal business, but Bischoff isn’t deterred from continuing. Since Austin is in such bad condition, he is now a medical liability, and as such, is TERMINATED. The crowd boos, which makes zero sense to me. I mean, by booing the decision to keep Austin from wrestling, they’re endorsing his paralysis.

 

Triple H (with Ric Flair) v. The Hurricane: This is non-title. I had a feeling Hurricane would get stomped out after building that momentum against The Rock. Funny moment before the match where Flair rips the mask that Hurricane gave a ringside child off of the kid’s face and stomps on it. Flair is GAWD. HHH gets the spinebuster early in the match, and chops Hurricane around for a little while. Hurricane gets out of a suplex attempt and hits a subpar neckbreaker. Shining Wizard gets two. JR goes on and on about how great an upset would be, even though it’s a non-title match. King points this out, but JR keeps going on and on anyway. HHH is selling pretty well for Hurricane in this match, but it’s all token “sell for the midcarder who has no real chance of going over“ selling, so make of it what you will. Flair STRUTS~ after interfering, and Hurricane beats him down outside. That alone upstaged HHH more than anything. My markdom for the little things is really kinda scary. Anyways, Hurricane gets the Eye of the Hurricane, but Flair interference keeps it from scoring a pin. Hurricane goes down for the Pedigree though. HHH selling for someone just to beat them in the end is better than no selling at all, sez I. *3/4

 

Kane tells Rob Van Dam that they need to talk. Kane then says that sometimes, when two men are together for a very long time, they feel a need to branch out and meet other people. Rob is shocked, especially since he made that crochet for Kane last night as amends for losing the tag title match, but informs Kane that they don’t need to break up since he got them a rematch for the tag titles tonight! Oh, one little stipulation though: If Kane and RVD lose, they have to join the Bischoff Administration. The hell? They have a name for it now? I hope they don’t have a whole group of reluctant heels, that’d be REALLY stupid.

 

Scott Steiner v. Christopher Nowinski: Nowinski comes out with a face mask on for some reason. He makes some lame jokes about Seattle and gets squashed AND punched in the face. The nerve. No really, it was that quick. 1/4*

 

Terri interviews Austin outside of his locker room and he says nothing of real note, but whines more about Bischoff looking into his personal business and says that his neck sucks about five times. New Austin chant: “Your neck sucks!”

 

JR cuts a really mean promo on Bischoff. I STILL don’t understand how, logically, this makes Bischoff a heel.

 

In Chief Morley’s office, the Dudley Boys stew and dissect Bubba’s actions during the World Tag Title match on Heat last night. Apparently Bubba and D’Von gave Lance Storm the 3D in order to beat on Storm, but elbowdropped Rob Van Dam in order to keep Storm and Morley from losing the titles and the Dudleys from losing their jobs. Why not just have Storm and Morley win without BOTH teams looking weak by the victor and the loser appearing unconscious? D’Von

keeps saying that Bischoff and Morley are crazy. No idea where that came from. Anyways, speak of the devil, Morley and Storm show up to inform the Dudleys that the match tonight will be a three team elimination match with the Dudleys involved as well, and the Dudleys are pretty much commanded to lay down for Storm and Morley.

 

Booker T is being attended to before his match with Chris Jericho by having his leg taped up, and Ric Flair comes in to ask him how his knee is in a not so nice fashion. Okay, so he gloats that Booker lost. Booker jacks Flair up against a wall and makes him his bitch. Flair tries to talk, but Booker says he’ll break Flair’s punk ass off. Ouch. Booker throws Flair into the hallway and looks pissed.

 

Maven v. Rosey: Rosey treats Maven like a dude who got in his way at the Sizzler, but Maven manages to make a comeback and a FUGLY pair of pin attempts, the latter of the two earning him the victory. Another quick match, but terrible. Maybe this job isn’t so bad. DUD

 

Fluff piece with Lawler being the guest photographer for the Playboy Cyber Club. The model pretends to enjoy being ogled by the King. (shudder)

 

Booker T v. Chris Jericho: WHEN THE CRIPPLED CAREERS COLLIDE~! Jericho says that despite losing to Michaels, he was the one who left with his head held high while Shawn Michaels’ head was bruised and swollen after the low blow. Okay, so he didn’t say that last part, but I would have loved if he did. Jericho is now the Highlight of the Night as well as the King of the World. Works for me! Booker cuts him short though, and I’m torn as to who to root for. Jericho pounces on the leg, which Booker is still selling like a champ. Lawler seems to hit a commentary funk when Booker T is in the ring. Booker scores a nice reversal from the Walls of Jericho for two. More Booker offense leads to a Jericho bulldog and missed Lionsault. Another offensive series from Booker to capitalize, but Ric Flair comes in to give us a DQ finish. Fuck, I was looking forward to this match. HHH comes in to augment the beatdown, but the 3-on-1 is briefly broken up by Shawn Michaels, but he’s taken down as well. HHH puts Booker in the Indian Deathlock again (and JR forgets that it was used last at Wrestlemania XVIII, just a year ago, again), and Jericho puts Michaels in the Walls again. If they have rematches at Backlash, I really hope that at least Jericho goes over, since the Goldberg/HHH title program after Backlash rumor has been circulating today. 1/2*

 

Jeff Hardy v. Steven Richards: Please, give Steven TATU~! as his music. Instead, Steven Richards joins the “catchphrase at the start of my music” club, despite him never really saying it before, however, he might use it on Heat or something. At least Bob Holly’s “How do you like me now?” was used in 1999. Jeff Hardy, disgruntled painter by the looks of his outfit tonight, looks like he got into a brawl with a bunch of sidewalk artist kids. No-brainer as to who won THAT. The chalky paint shit gets all over Richards throughout the match, and Victoria looks like she’s trying not to laugh at ringside. Jeff hits his new corner dropkick thing (to be named “The Conflicted Mongoose” or something like that), but misses the Whisper in the Wind. Richards hits a DDT for two and works the arm, getting even more blue shit on him. If pink tights accentuated my package like his do, I might have to start wearing them. Just saying. Hardy comes back with a jawbreaker and a weird... thing where he does the jawbreaker again except with his knees. He climbs to the top for the Swanton, but Victoria holds him in place until Trish runs in and stops her, allowing Jeff to hit the Swanton Bomb for the victory. Local Crackhead Makes Good afterward, with a GAZING SESSION~! with Trish that was so nice, they had to show it twice, or something. 1/4*

 

Austin shakes hands with the road crew before walking off. Big Sal gets a mere handshake, but Tiny Tim gets a pat on the shoulder! Criminal!

 

Test is in the locker room talking to Torrie Wilson about her Playboy spread when Stacy appears. Test flexes his ACTING MUSCLE~ by getting defensive about the phone call when Stacy asks who it was. C-3PO, who was also in the locker room, offers a jittery explanation of the phone call and its intent. Stacy is appalled, and Test gets pissed at Threepio, who asks “was it something I said?”

 

The road crew is still standing where they were when Austin left when The Rock shows up to cheer them all up and assert his Alpha Male status even further by telling them all they can come to a party with him, but can’t come inside. Seriously, if YOU had Rock, would you be upset that Austin left?

 

World Tag Team Titles - Lance Storm and Chief of Staff Morley v. Rob Van Dam and Kane v. The Dudley Boys: I REALLY wish they’d update that graphic for the tag titles. The Dudleys get further and further down each side of the stage every time they enter. One day they’ll just walk right off while yelling at the crowd. I shall laugh. Structured chaos early on, as RVD and Kane fight off the Dudleys and then take care of Storm and Morley, and both RVD AND Kane bust out planchas. D’Von and RVD start finally and grapple before RVD messes up a kick and hits it on a second try for two. Both men tag out to their respective partners, and Bubba and Kane slug away for a little while until Kane misses an elbow and Bubba doesn’t slam, but yanks Kane to the mat by the back of his head for the Wassup Drop. RVD is just so irked by all of this that he comes in and decides to start kicking and generally fucking up everything that moves and doesn’t wear a mask. RVD goes for the 5-Star Frog Splash on Bubba, but misses. D’Von tries to intervene with a chair and take out Morley, who also has a chair, but is Van Daminated for the Dudleys to be eliminated after Bubba literally knocks over Morley as if he were the President and Bubba were a secret service agent. Looks like Bubba is more willing to work for the heel bigwigs while D’Von is pulling a Dee Snider and saying he doesn’t want to take it anymore. Commercial after the Dudley elimination. RVD escapes a near-fall on the return from the break. Storm pulls off the SWANK~! rollthrough into the Maple Leaf Submission, but RVD makes the ropes and is able to make the hot tag to Kane, who is a HOUSE THAT USED TO BE ON FIRE BUT APPARENTLY WASN’T AND CAN TALK AND STUFF NOW~! He hits sideslams, clotheslines, and the top-rope clothesline for a series of two counts, and Morley gets double-teamed by him and RVD. Storm stops that nonsense and Morley low-blows Kane for a two count. Kane recovers and goes for a chokeslam on Morley, and when Storm tries to stop that, Kane is all “NO POBO!!” and chokeslams both. RVD hits the 5-Star for the titles FINALLY. This match got the crowd fired up pretty well, and was okay I guess, but so much was lost due to the commercial that I can’t really rate it fairly. Call it **1/4.

 

Bischoff tells someone on the phone that there’s a huge surprise and that the ink on the contract isn’t even wet. Considering that JR and the King were talking about him earlier during the HHH entrance, it isn’t really much of a surprise, Eric.

 

It’s time for the Rock Appreciation Night segment. The crowd is cheering him too much, and his attempts to get them to boo him fall flat, sadly. Charisma kills heels, kiddies. Remember that. Rock shows a pretty phat video set to Puff Daddy and Jimmy Page’s “Come With Me” showing his career highlights. Afterward, Rock says that now that he has done everything, he is going to retire. The crowd starts chanting for some dude named Hold Word or something like that. Ohhhhh, GOLDBERG. So Goldberg comes out, and the crowd pops, but doesn’t really come unglued like I thought they might. Maybe it just came off badly on television. He tells Rock that he’s next and lays a weak spear on him, which Rock sells like he was shot in the gut. End show.

 

Overall: I don’t expect the Austin firing to last long (and his Smackdown debut to come soon), and the addition of a Jericho/HHH v. Booker T/Michaels match next week makes me wonder why they didn’t actually go into a new direction after Wrestlemania as is expected. It’s as if the biggest event of the year didn’t happen, and the Goldberg debut really wasn’t as exciting as I was expecting it to be. Hopefully they’ll show signs of new feuds and such next week, but for now, Wrestlemania might as well have not gone down.

 

I Hope I Did Well For a First Effort!