I had my first match

[Guest J*ingus]

The scene: Friday night in Columbia, TN at the CWA Mule Day show. (In the backward little hick town of Columbia, the Mule Day is a big celebration of farm stuff in general, and always draws a decent crowd for wrestling, around 200 this night.) I'm a heel manager on this show under the name Herman Crane, doing a semi-gay chickenshit nerdy attorney gimmick.

 

I get to the building and am informed that a change has been made: two of my managerial charges, Jammer and Void, were supposed to have a tag match that night. But Jammer got yanked out of that because they needed someone for James Storm to work (yes, the NWA-TNA James Storm, who started wrestling in Columbia and is over like God there) and I find out that my fat untrained ass is suddenly having to wrestle in his place. In semi-formal clothing and loafers. Yippee.

 

Also, to start off the show, I go out with Jammer (who looks like a nosferatu and wrestles like Tajiri) and make his challenge to Storm. I slapped him (made a nice pop sound), and promptly got superkicked. Side note: this was also the first time I've ever taken a superkick, and Storm has a pretty wicked one, as anyone who's watched TNA knows. So I had my hands up there, expecting a decapitation, and... whoof. His foot made contact with my arm and torso, with considerably less force than I'd been dreading. Oh, I still went down like an Iraqi soldier, but it wasn't the skull-jarring impact that I'd expected.

 

So, onto the tag match. My partner in crime, Void, is a small guy with a goth gimmick who wrestles like a Malenko one minute and Sabu the next. Across the ring, our opponents: a guy called Torture King who is absolutely covered with tattoos and piercings, and has full-on skull makeup; and his partner, Gravestone, who is at least 6'8" and 300 pounds. Why me? To spice things up a bit, I came out on a crutch, claiming that I'd wrenched my knee in the back and couldn't wrestle. That lasted about as long as it took CWA matchmaker Tony Falk to yank the crutch out from under me, exposing my jointal health and my clumsy ruse, before sending us to the ring.

 

Needless to say, Void worked most of the match, doing some solid technical submission stuff with Torture King, before he tags in Gravestone and we start to get some heat. Void works his leg and chops him down, and then finally tags me in a few times. My entire offensive repetoire: a few shitty kicks to the thigh, a half-assed spinning toe hold, and a quarter-assed anklelock. Then Torture King finally tags back in, and I do my best "Jeff Hardy fighting HHH" impression, which is to say, bumping (awkwardly) and screaming a lot.

 

To finally end the agony, TK slaps me in a neato submission hold, a figure-four combined with a front chancery. I holler and tap out like the bitch I am, but the ref is distracted, just in time for one of my other wrestlers, Dan Morrow (hair like a billy-goat, work like a Wildside middleweight) to slide into the ring and hit TK with a crutch. Now, when I say "hit", I actually mean "swung from the fucking rafters and New Jacked his ass hard enough to leave train-track marks on his back". I felt that shot through the poor schmuck's body. So TK collapses, and I collapse on top of him, and then we sit there and wait long enough to play a couple hands of blackjack before the referee finally comes in to count the one, two, three, and bingo, I become one of the 2% of guys to win their first match.

 

And then, blown up as all hell, I immedietly had to manage Jammer against James Storm, but fortunately avoided further beatings. And later in the night, all was rewarded when I got to watch Jerry Lynn and Chris Michaels go for 30 blistering minutes in one of the best goddamn indy matches I've ever seen.

 

And so, to sum up: if you're working a wrestling show in any capacity, always bring some wrestling gear with you. Bumping in slacks sucks. Yeah.

[Guest The Superstar]

That's AWESOME~ Jingus! Although I'm extremely disappointed about your lack of ClawSlam or CRIPPLING~ DevilBomb.

[Guest Phoenix Fury Legdrop]

Dude, Greco-Roman knucklelock into a tornado backrake. That's the f'n ticket.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

We NEED to make JINGUS a shirt now in the OAOAST store, if anything just for him to sell as a gimmick during these shows .

[Guest What?]

That is SO cool, Jingus~

 

 

I wish there was a fed here in NorCal...but...NOPE!~

[Guest Vitamin X]

There is. It's one of the best actually.. I believe they call it UPW?

[Guest T®ITEC]

UPW IS STORMIN' THE NATION~

 

 

Okay, so Jingus, when are you going to make your debut in UTAH?! My friend knows the local promotor...

 

I'm so glad that you didn't die. I am, however, both SHOCKED and SADDENED by the lack of an armbar in this match.

[Guest ShooterJay]

Dude, Jingus, now that you've had a match, you can get ringrats now!

[Guest Plushy Al Logan]

::Goes into garage and takes out machette an d heads to Columbia, TN. Hopefully this will lead to an actual Dungeon of Doom feud::

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Congrats on the win, Jingus! Bravo... that's cool that you know enough basic bumping and stuff from managing that you can sub at the last minute like that.

[Guest Sandman9000]

I noticed a distinct lack of lighttubes or barbed wire. Have you learned nothing about wrestling from the OAOAST?

[Guest Zero_Cool]

Jingus > Benoit

 

But dude, it totally kicks ass that you won your first ever match.

[Guest oldschoolwrestling]

You got booked to win? Are you sleeping with the promoter's cousin/wife?

[Guest J*ingus]

Although I'm extremely disappointed about your lack of ClawSlam or CRIPPLING~ DevilBomb.

 

Well, uh, I'm not really a seven-foot tall mutant... although I've found in training class that the Clawslam is indeed possible, if the guy taking it is a good bumper.

 

Dude, Greco-Roman knucklelock into a tornado backrake. That's the f'n ticket.

 

Heh, now there's an idea.

 

We NEED to make JINGUS a shirt now in the OAOAST store, if anything just for him to sell as a gimmick during these shows .

 

Thanks, but I don't go by the Jingus name in this fed, and besides I'm a heel, heels don't sell crap at the merch table.

 

Okay, so Jingus, when are you going to make your debut in UTAH?! My friend knows the local promotor...

 

Utah? If you can get me a plane ticket, a ride to the show, and cigarettes, sure I'd do it.

 

I'm so glad that you didn't die. I am, however, both SHOCKED and SADDENED by the lack of an armbar in this match.

 

I know, it made up at least 904 of Jericho's movelist, but I just didn't get to work it in.

 

Dude, Jingus, now that you've had a match, you can get ringrats now!

 

Dude, you've never been to an indy show in TN, have you? ::Imagines crowd, shudders.::

 

::Goes into garage and takes out machette an d heads to Columbia, TN. Hopefully this will lead to an actual Dungeon of Doom feud::

 

::Clawslam::

 

that's cool that you know enough basic bumping and stuff from managing that you can sub at the last minute like that.

 

Well, uh, actually I don't. Falling backward is about the only thing I don't screw up, but I got tossed in there anyway.

 

I noticed a distinct lack of lighttubes or barbed wire. Have you learned nothing about wrestling from the OAOAST?

 

Sorry. The only lighttubes we have are the ones actually lighting the arena. There is a big spool of barbwire back there somewhere, but it's so tangled up that nobody can get it loose.

 

Jingus > Benoit

 

In terms of mic skills, yeah.

 

You got booked to win? Are you sleeping with the promoter's cousin/wife?

 

Hardly, especially since the promoter is a pastor at his church. No, it was basically that those guys were just in for the one shot and probably weren't coming back real soon, so it didn't make sense to give them the rub over the weekly regulars.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

that's cool that you know enough basic bumping and stuff from managing that you can sub at the last minute like that.

 

Well, uh, actually I don't. Falling backward is about the only thing I don't screw up, but I got tossed in there anyway.

...and that already makes you more talented than Kevin Nash!

 

Ack... forced smark joke, now I feel dirty. Like Tennessee ring-rats!

[Guest T®ITEC]

Okay, so Jingus, when are you going to make your debut in UTAH?! My friend knows the local promotor...

 

Utah? If you can get me a plane ticket, a ride to the show, and cigarettes, sure I'd do it.

Only if you'll come with me to SummerSlam this year.

 

So... Should wrestlers *really* be smoking? I think it would take down their workrate a little; not being able to breathe and all...

 

I know Sandman used to smoke, but he wasn't exactly pulling off real moves. I think Van Hammer smoked too, but, once again...

[Guest crandamaniac]

So... Should wrestlers *really* be smoking? I think it would take down their workrate a little; not being able to breathe and all...

 

I know Sandman used to smoke, but he wasn't exactly pulling off real moves. I think Van Hammer smoked too, but, once again...

Throw Giant on that list too

[Guest Plushy Al Logan]

So... Should wrestlers *really* be smoking?  I think it would take down their workrate a little; not being able to breathe and all...

 

I know Sandman used to smoke, but he wasn't exactly pulling off real moves. I think Van Hammer smoked too, but, once again...

Throw Giant on that list too

::Pushes Jingus off of building::

 

So if you conitinue, what will be your gimmick?

[Guest T®ITEC]

He'll be a necrophiliac. Just you wait and see.

[Guest snuffbox]

Didnt guys like Murdoch and the Crusher smoke?

 

Thatd be all the reason I need to puff an unfiltered Camel before the big match.

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

so uhh j-man

 

im practiced in the martial arts

 

im thinking we do something no e-fed has ever done

 

Jingus/BPP Empty Arena Match at our Big SUmmer OaOasT spectacular...

 

now thats a main event...specially if we got the vid uploaded

[Guest J*ingus]

Oh, you'd be surprised at how many wrestlers smoke. Sandman is practically never without a cigarette, and friggin' Johnny Kashmere somehow still does all his shit despite smoking unfiltereds.

[Guest The Amazing Rando]

if I wasn't so small...i'd be an excellent little bitch heel manager...