WWE Judgement Day 2003 Hangout Report

[Guest Pegasus Kid]

WWE JUDGEMENT DAY 2003 HANGOUT REPORT

 

GOD I am so tired. This weekend has proven a lot of fun but not exactly great in the sleep department. I was up early to get a marriage certificate for my parents who apparently misplaced their first one (I bitched about it on the radio while requesting a song. SCORE!), hit the gym and then had work only to then hit a party where I met an AWESOME girl who I found out is gay (not good, but I am sooooo going to make friends with this one and look for some of her bi-sexual friends. OWNAGE!). Party ends at 3:00am and I get four hours sleep before entering THE FUCKING HELLMOUTH that is work. Finish up and hit a CvS2 Tournament (FUCKING DEAD LAST!) and then hit another party (sadly there were no hot lesbians) and THEN leave the party to hit a club and meet another hottie who’s friends with another friend of mine so I am SO getting a shot (I think I have to do my friend a favour for her to help me get with her other friend though. DAMN IT!). Club ends at 3:00am (good time) and the cycle continues with another early rise for work. That of course brings us to today with the core group of Felix, Dave, Mark and Scott joining me for the PPV no one knew was this weekend until I made phone calls for invites.

 

This report is brought to you by Lays Ketchup, Sour Cream & Onion and BBQ chips. Mark brought the snacks because I’m FUCKING SENILE and forgot the gummy snacks and nachos I had bought at work. What a fucking waste of an Interac service fee.

 

WE ARE LIVE FROM MY BASEMENT

 

RAP MASTER ROID/FIGHTS BENEATH INTELLIGENCE vs GORE!/SPANKY/YOUR LORD

WORD LIFE! John Cena is the BEST way to open any show. He says lots of stuff and we laugh at all of it. FUCK THIS GUY OWNS! Anyone that can get an entire crowd to say “DICK” on command fucking owns it. Dave points out that Spanky has got the shiniest green pants in the history of shiny green pants. Felix has to explain the concept of Sliced Bread #2 to Dave and it’s not pretty. It was sort of like a delayed disappointment followed by laughter. Benoit gets the hot tag and Cena takes the Released German like a FUCKING MAN! Spanky got FUCKED with that finisher. Mark has the balls to bring up FUCKING HEAD CHEESE and their finisher. I’ll never have him over again. Did Rhyno or Stamboli even get a legal tag? *3/4

 

Austin and Bischoff blah blah blah leaving Mark and I debating how American beer could possibly get any more lite than it already is. I mean what is that? Negative 0.5% alcohol? OWNED! Mark figures the blonde is either Austin’s new girlfriend or just sucking him off while the matches are going on. Seriously, this girl couldn’t have been had a bigger smile or lovingly stared at Austin any more than during that segment.

 

ROID RAGE/AT LEAST HE FUCKS STACY (w/Stacy Keibler) vs LA COQUE

My shifts at work have kept me from watching RAW over the last few weeks (at least from start to finish) so I haven’t been privy to seeing the FUCKING GENIUS that is La Resistance. Felix (being French Canadian) LOVES THESE GUYS and who can blame him? LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING HYPE BERETS! SHIT! LOOK AT THOSE PANTS! Felix and I bitch about whether Stacy’s skirt is really short (I thought so) or too long (he thought so) based on ass – leg ratio. Mark tells us to shut up and that’s that. GOD SHE’S HOT! Test has new white tights but to hell with that. Fag Beret Theorem is totally overriding New Tights Theorem. Mark says these guys are out of Developmental. Odd… I don’t recall ever hearing about them prior to entering “the big time.” We spend most of the match considering whether Renee and Silvan are better than Jaques and Raymond (just the names, not the wrestlers). Jesus, could Steiner FUCKING SUCK anymore than he does right now? This felt like the intro and then the finish with no middle. La Resistance are AWESOME in gimmick but need A TON of work to be anything I won’t hate in a couple of weeks. Steiner gets kicked RIGHT IN THE FUCKING MOUTH and we love it. JR needs to watch some tapes to figure out the difference between a Double Flapjack and a Double Spinebuster. *1/2

 

I didn’t see Mr. America talking as I had to answer the phone.

 

MOTHERUCKING TAJIRI IS SPANISH! ESSAAAAAAAY! AHAHAHAHA!

 

Someone hand the WWE Production Crew an award for that AWESOME old school video package on Kurt Angle. Anyone ever see that “Saved By The Bell” where Zach is running for class President. Same deal. FUCKING GENIUS!

 

WE LIE, WE CHEAT, WE’RE JAPANESE vs BEST… JUMPSUITS… EVER (WWE Tag Team Titles)

We are JACKED for this one because we’re all big Tajiri marks and then he got all ESSAAAAAAY on the interview and sent us into seizures. Dave’s under the impression that there’s never been a Tag Team Ladder Match before and I nearly slap him considering it was a Tag Ladder Match that got the ball rolling on the string of life shortening matches we continue to watch up to today. After watching TLC I (the apex of these matches IMO), I don’t really look for a better match so much as spots that we haven’t seen before. This one had a bit of the old (double dropkick into the crotch shot. CLASSIC!) and some new (Orient Express Double team was SICK!). Guerrero pretty much carried the whole thing on his back. The guys didn’t really have much to say about this match. There was just a lot of “OOOHHHH!” and “that didn’t look right” for the mostpart. Dave was a bitch coming down on the rookie Team Angle for not wanting to 100% kill themselves for our pleasure. Mark predicted Green Mist since the opening bell. PSYCHIC THAT SHIT DOWN! ***

 

Bischoff drinks beer like some BIG PUSSY named Dwayne Johnson or Bill Goldberg.

 

Jericho FUCKING OWNED Piper on the stick. Shit that was brutal. “Don’t touch me.” HAHA!

 

IC BATTLE ROYALE

I won’t even bother with the participants. Just some highlights:

Dave gives Booker T the name of “Flaming Cock Pants” after seeing those tights. YIKES!

Mark wins the friendly pool over first eliminated and the winner. Again, PSYCHIC THAT SHIT DOWN!

Scott nearly cries having to see Test on our TV twice in the same show.

The guys get a huge laugh when I bring up Goldberg is already injured when they wondered why he wasn’t facing Jericho or Christian on the PPV.

Christian’s elimination of Jericho was FUCKING BRILLIANT!

 

LEATHERFACE vs RUINED BY KIDMAN (Bikini Challenge)

Mark figures they should have just bit the bullet and hired a strung out Sunny just for shits and giggles. Felix chimes in with “how many holes were stuffed with how many cocks for Sable to get her job back?” DAMN! If Sable wasn’t grinding her pussy into random strangers facing in dirtholes (oh excuse me, Gentleman’s Clubs) all over the US, then we can’t figure out what she’s been doing with her time. Line of the night comes from Scott. “Sable doesn’t have The Clap, she’s got a Standing Ovation.” OUCH! OWNED! Torrie’s got an even SKIMPIER BIKINI! MY GOD! You just KNOW Lawler blew his load when the first Bikini came off. And shit, Torrie’s gotta be touring with Sable grinding pussy for money to move like that. KIDMAN IS MY IDOL!

 

Bischoff is AUSTIN’S BITCH! JALEPENO PEPPER THAT SHIT DOWN!

 

LOOK AT THAT GUT (w/Sean O’Haire) vs LOOK AT THAT ROID GUT (w/Tenacious Z)

I’ll be honest, we barely watched this match. I spent the entire ten or so minutes convincing the guys that Tenacious Z is actually a wrestler and how he can do Moonsaults and shit. Felix and I debate how transition wrestling is thrown out the window with this kid and how everyone in the WWE Upper Mid Card would commit suicide without use of an Irish Whip. By the time I’ve convinced the guys of Z’s wrestling abilities, Hogan drops the Legdrop and it’s over. Uh… this looked terrible from the glimpses of Piper’s gut trying to fight against Hogan’s knees. Interference from O’Haire doesn’t help either. We’ll go -* for the whole thing.

 

Stephanie stops HHH in the hall prompting Scott to ask “My God, what butcher did she hire for that $1000 haircut.” HA! Scott is owning this PPV.

 

The HHH vs Nash video package gets Dave started on this theory that WWE should drop wrestling completely and become a Video Trailer Production Company because they make OUTRIGHT SHIT like the never ending brawl look like the climax of Rocky. We all agree and emails have been sent for the shut down of WWE.

 

SO… VERY… SLOW vs THE GAME BOY ADVANCE SP (World Heavyweight Title)

Scott, not having watched any WWE TV over the last week looks at me saying “THIS is why you refused to tell me what was on the card. Because you KNOW if you did tell me I’d have stayed home.” Heh… he knows me all too well. Dave and Scott spend most of the match running an outright scary comparison between WWE and Christianity based completely on Michaels being Born Again Christian and wearing an official WWE shirt with a Crucifix on it. Felix spends the entire match DYING to see The Framed Elbow like he’ll reach orgasm once Nash makes the finger frame. Mark points out how utterly stupid it is for a Sledgehammer to be under a ring that’s basically put together with a wrench. This wasn’t terrible (at least I don’t think so, I’m writing this two hours after the show ended). We made every Nash joke you can think of and most HHH jokes were based around those gay ass tights he had on. Scott and I end up debating how a guy can be in great shape (which Nash is) while having the worst conditioning you’ll ever see. BLOW THAT SHIT UP! The ending SUCKED but at least the match was short and sets up something big (I’m thinking either HIAC or First Blood) next month. *1/2

 

BEST WOMAN IN THE BUSINESS vs BIGGEST TITS EVER vs CRAZY BITCH vs TAKES IT IN THE BROWN (WWE Women’s Title)

Mark and Felix pimp the fuck out of the women’s match on Monday like it was the greatest thing since Sliced Bread #2. Stratus is just so FUCKING GREAT I can’t even describe it. We now refer to Teddy Long as “Jive Soul Bro 2003” and Scott starts coming up with hilarious remixes to Jive Soul Bro as Long’s new entrance music. I won’t even bother talking about the ins and outs of the match. Leave it to say it was solid until you get THE FUCKING BUMP OF THE YEAR! TRISH STRATUS IS FUCKING NUTS! TOSSED OVER THE TOP ONTO HER FACE! JUST FUCKING SICK! Then all the stuff in the ring is all “OOOHHH” and it’s over. **1/4

 

WHY IS HE IN THE MAIN EVENT vs WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN (WWE World Title)

Brock is such a FUCKING BEAST! Everyone puts their collective intelligence together trying to figure out “smart” ways to get Show on a stretcher without having to drag his beat down ass around the ring. Mark’s idea of a line of hot links leading to a stretcher that’s half way across the finish line took top prize. This match was SICK in its brutality. I mean Show and Lesnar just beat the HOLY LIVING FUCK out of each other with HEAVY DUTY shots. Misterio has THE WORST run in you have ever seen. Felix has a relapse of his love for the Framed Elbow wanting to see The Shooting Star Press. IDIOT! Anyway, we finally get to see what the giant steel rig was all about. MONKEY BARS! We’re all convinced they set up that rig when they had to put up the set and then forgot about it until it was too late. Who the hell just leaves random steel bars in front of their Jumbotron? Brock brings the heavy machinery and then FLIES LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER with the BIG TIME LARIAT! AWESOME! FU THAT SHIT DOWN! The ending was really creative. The match itself was beyond better than it had any right to be. Brawling was definitely the way to go. ***

 

Final Thoughts: Well the two gimmick matches were fun but as I said at the end of the night “this PPV could have used a cock in the mouth because IT FUCKING SUCKED! Sub standard wrestling, cop out ending in The Heavyweight Title and a relatively dead crowd don’t make for a great combination. DO NOT order the replay if you’re looking for anything blow away. The high point of the night was Stratus’ FUCKING SICK BUMP (MY GOD!) and I’m sure that’ll pop up online anyway. Highly recommended to avoid.

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

You didn't pay for this shit, did you?

[Guest JDMattitudeV1]

I take it you bought tickets before the card was announced.

[Guest Pegasus Kid]

You didn't pay for this shit, did you?

Obviously not. Descrambler...

[Guest NoCalMike]

This ppv was easily the worst of the year so far. Gosh it sucked, and unless Raw sets up some DIFFERENT feuds, the first RAW Brand ppv is even gonna be higher on the SUCK-O-METER.

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

I'm suprised you guys watched this shit at all. When Bad Blood rolls around you should call DEAN's wife and ask if he can hang out with you and own the whole show.

[Guest Pegasus Kid]

I'm suprised you guys watched this shit at all. When Bad Blood rolls around you should call DEAN's wife and ask if he can hang out with you and own the whole show.

Eh... the card could be worse than this and we'd still watch it. My buddies and I get together basically for the social aspect of it, the wrestling is a by product of hanging. Now myself, I watch these PPV's along maybe a few days later for the wrestling.

 

As for Dean, it's too good we have to ask his wife for Dean to come out to play.

[Guest The Grand Pubah of 1620]

The biggest disapointment on the night was the ladder match. I haven't seen so many blown spots in a single match in a while.

 

The highlight was Austin, Nash putting HHH though the table, Booker not getting the IC belt, and Brock driving the fuck out of that fork lift.

 

But hey all I paid for was beers. I always find a sports bar or something that plays it for free and a whole bunch of us go and get tore up. It's fun.