The DEFINITIVE 007 Film Reviews

[Guest Cover of Darkness]

Since I came here, my love for Bond has been very apparent. I have been watching them forever, I have read all the books, seen them all, etc.

 

The Bond DVD thread reminded me how much I like to review them. So… here is the thread. Why do I call these the “definitive” Bond reviews? Because this is not a case where a Bond film is rated based on a scale created for normal films. In my reviews, I have devised a system that allows one to rate the essential elements that decide whether a Bond movie is worthwhile or not. Additionally, I have provided information for your personal knowledge. The divisions are:

 

1.) Pre-Titles Sequence: Is it exciting? Does it pique viewer interest? Is it relevant to the rest of the story? All these factors are taken into account when grading the PTS.

 

2.) Credits/Title Song: After the PTS, I will give you a little on the credits and song. This does not really mean much in the grand scheme of things, I just thought that you guys would like my musical opinion along with my film comments.

 

3.) Story: I give you the low down on the plot in this section. ALL SPOILERS WILL BE CONTAINED HERE.

 

4.) Bond Performance: Who played Bond, and how was he?

 

5.) Villain’s Performance: In a series like Bond, the villain usually sets the tone of the film. I rate the villain here.

 

6.) Bond Girl: I rate the Bond girl.

 

7.) Best Moment: Best mark-out moment in the film.

 

8.) Book to Film Comparison: I will not give you any elitist shit about “the book was WAAAY better,” just a comparison of the plot and execution.

 

9.) Misc. Thoughts: Any other remarks I may have.

 

10.) Final Rating: Final thoughts and ranking in the series.

 

 

The movies are reviewed in no particular order. The current schedule is:

 

This week: A VIEW TO A KILL

Next: ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE

Next: LICENSE TO KILL

Next: THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN

Next: GOLDENEYE

 

Expect AVTAK soon, and a list of the next five after GoldenEye soon. If Dames would like to make this a column on the regular site, that's cool. If not, it's okay too.

[Guest Cover of Darkness]

A VIEW TO A KILL

1985

Directed By: John Glen

 

Pre-Titles Sequence: In the frozen wasteland of Siberia, Russian Army personnel hunt for an unknown object. Cut to a man in a white skisuit who has skied over near a snow-bank. He digs the head of a similarly clad body out from under the snow and retrieves a microchip from a locket the dead man had owned. In the process, the helicopter spots him and soldiers begin firing on the figure, (Who is revealed as Bond) destroying the snowbank and creating a crevasse that Bond falls through and begins skiing in. Russians on both sides of the crevasse fire in on him, but he manages to narrowly evade death. He wrecks a snowmobile and uses the one of the outriggers as a makeshift snowboard, (Nearly killing the scene by using “California Girls” by the Beach Boys rather then John Barry’s amazing hook for the score). He uses a flare to take down the helicopter, gets to a friendly submarine disguised as an iceberg, and piloted by a beautiful woman. At the end he gets romantic and announces there are “Five days to Alaska.”

 

The scene is barely relevant, the skiing scenes pale to those in FYEO and OHMSS, and the mood created by Barry is destroyed by the Beach Boys. It is one of the worst in the series, and is indicative of the rest of the film: Great ideas marred by bad comic relief.

 

GRADE: D

 

Credits/Song: “A View to a Kill” by Duran Duran is not as bad as you might think. John Barry does some good orchestrations to hide the song’s weaknesses and it comes off as a typical upbeat 80’s pop song. The credits themselves are god awful, with neon women, lasers, and what appears to be the Grace Jones style of make-up taken to the nth degree.

 

GRADE: C

 

Story: Spoilers ahead, gang.

 

Bond (Roger Moore) returns to England after the PTS, and confers with M (Robert Brown) and Q (Desmond Llewlyn). Q explains the finer points of the effects of electromagnetic radiation on microchips. Then he explains that a defense contractor for the English have created a chip impervious to EMP, unfortunately the chip is identical to the one Bond recovered in Russia which means someone in the company is leaking secrets to the USSR.

 

The chip is made by Zorin Industries, and Zorin’s horse is racing at the Ascot. We see for the first time: billionaire Max Zorin (Christopher Walken), his bodyguard Mayday (Grace Jones), and his personal “doctor.” In Fleming tradition, the villain’s underhanded ways at simple games of chance foreshadow a much larger crookedness. Bond meets a horse-trainer named Sir Godfrey Tibbett (Patrick Macnee), who says that there is no way Zorin’s horse, should have that much stamina. He gives Bond the name of a Private detective in Paris who has been working on the case, and Bond heads for the Eiffel Tower.

 

Bond confers with the PI at the Eiffel Tower’s restaurant. He tells Bond that Zorin will be auctioning some of his horses soon, at his French estate. Before he can give too much more exposition, he’s killed by Mayday (who is masked). Bond chases her up the Tower, but she parachutes off and Bond steals a cab to pursue. There are some great moments with the cab as bother the top of the car, and everything past the front seat get ripped off it by collisions. It’s all in vain for Bond, as Mayday manages to get away in a speedboat with Zorin.

 

Bond and Tibbett go undercover at Zorin’s party. Bond meets Stacy Sutton (Tanya Roberts), who we’ll learn more about later in the film. Bond’s cover is blown by Mayday who recognizes him, and Tibbett is killed. Bond evades death and heads to California. Meanwhile, we see a meeting between General Gogol (Walter Gotell) and Max Zorin. Zorin tells the KGB that his ties with them are severed.

 

Bond arrives in California and meets up with CIA Agent Chuck Lee, who informs Bond that Zorin may be the product of Nazi research with steroids on pregnant women to produce the ultimate children. The children were born brilliant, but insane.

Zorin reveals his master plan to his junior partners in his blimp as it comes into San Francisco. He plans to corner the world microchip market and it has something to do with Silicon Valley. One of the men wants no part and is sent plummeting to his death. This inspires the film’s best line: Zorin asks the stunned businessmen if “Anybody else wants to drop out?”

 

Bond infiltrates Zorin’s oil wells and discovers that Zorin is piping oil into his well instead of Oil out of them. After seducing and tricking a Russian agent, Pola Ivenova Bond learns that Zorin somehow threatens Silicon Valley, but he doesn’t know specifics. Sutton is a geologist for the city and after she’s fired by her corrupt boss they come back to City Hall to search for clues. Zorin catches them, frames them for the murder of Sutton’s boss, and leaves them to die in a burning elevator shaft. They escape, and in the film’s best sequence Bond and Sutton elude police on a stolen fire truck when the ladder comes loose (with Bond on it) and causes huge amounts of destruction.

 

Bond and Sutton head towards Zorin’s oil wells and learn the exact nature of his plan. He wants to flood Silicon Valley, so that his share of the chip market will increase many times. It all leads up to the final confrontation with Zorin in Zorin’s airship over the Golden Gate Bridge.

 

Weak, weak, weak. It’s basically a remake of Goldfinger, with the added bonus of horrible Bond girls and 57 year old Roger Moore. However, the caper is still somewhat fun, and there are a few undeniably cool action sequences.

 

 

GRADE: D +

 

Bond’s Performance: Roger Moore was far too old to be Bond here, but other then that he brings his wealth of experience to the role and gives it his best shot. The sad thing is, if the rest of the film were in place his age would be easily overlooked. (See: Octopussy)

 

GRADE: B-

 

Villain’s Performance: Christopher Walken dominates this movie. He gets all the best lines, gets an awesome toy, and is totally allowed to shine in this film. If you’re a Bond completist and MUST SEE THIS MOVIE, then you’ll rejoice for every scene he’s in.

 

GRADE: A

 

Bond Girl: Tanya Roberts is the worst Bond girl EVER. A BLIMP gets the jump on her. Not to mention she constantly screeches and is in no way remarkable or exotic. She’s a bimbo; plain and simple.

 

That about sums it up.

 

GRADE: F

 

Best Moment: Bond rides a firetruck’s errant ladder and causes MASSIVE property damage to the city of San Fran.

 

Book-to-Film Comparison: The film has absolutely nothing in common with the short story it got it’s title from: “From a View to a Kill.” FAVTAK was about Bond attempting to stop the Russians from intercepting top-secret dispatchers.

 

FAVTAK was also… you know, good.

 

Misc. Thoughts: The parachute jump is superbly done, as is the ensuing chase. It suffers from a flaw common to all the John Glen directed Bonds however. There are long periods where Bond has nothing to do. In TLD there was the Vienna scenes, in FYEO some down time before Colombo and Bond raid Kristatos’ warehouse. In LTK there were the scenes in Isthmus before he meets Sanchez. OP is the only exception. In AVTAK he spends down time in Sutton’s house, the time spent there is REALLY FUCKING boring.

 

Thank God Dalton came in the next film, because as the series became more and more about physical feats, Roger became obsolete.

 

Final Thoughts: Horrible Bond film. RANK: 19th

 

 

I welcome all questions and comments.