Tom & CIA: Ramblings

[Guest Drew_K]

Drew Kelk: So I hear you're the world champ of some federation. THat make you feel like a big man, or something? You know, in my day, we used to wrestle, and NOBODY won! And we LIKED IT! Especially the jobbers!

TomIofIV: I know! God, these kids are getting soft with their 'pinfall victories' and 'disqualifications.'

TomIofIV: And GET THIS!

TomIofIV: You can just GIVE UP!

Drew Kelk: You know, Before all this HARDCORE nonsense, and all this 'SOMEONE WINS A CONTEST' nonsense, things used to be better. No whining about losses, no storylines, and for god sakes, attacks in the back just went nowhere for hours on end. Those were the days, by gummit.

TomIofIV: You know what I miss? Putting yourself through the Spanish Announce Table just for the heck of it!

TomIofIV: Puts the spine back in line!

Drew Kelk: And nothing like a ring valet who was a lump of inanimate clay! That's the way managers should be, not these women with their enhanced chests and these men with their loud outfits!

TomIofIV: Mortimer Plumtree, now THAT was a manager! Nice earthtones. I tell you, he revolutionized the business.

Drew Kelk: Ah, it's good to hear a young man with so much respect for the old days. I'm gonna have to wrap you in a potato sack and hit you with a twig, you understand. Cause I APPRECIATE your love of the sport so much.

TomIofIV: Why, you just lump me up all you want, to make up for the god damn kayfabe these days. You know they don't even hit you anymore?

TomIofIV: All except that Jay Dawg fella.

TomIofIV: Nice guy, hits hard, gay as a three-dollar bill.

Drew Kelk: Why dad-blast it, that's the feller I'll be wrestling soon. A ghood young man who knows how to really hit you in the face. And back in my day, wrestlers were all gay. Except for me. I pretended, so as not to frighten the children walked eighty miles to sit in the cheap seats and watch us. We sold out mississippi once, you know.

TomIofIV: That's nothing. In my day we sold out Canada twice. Our ticket sales for those two consecutive Fridays almost totalled three-quarters of your Mississippi show.

TomIofIV: More flannel at ours, though.

Drew Kelk: /me takes an out of character moment to stab the proverbial knife into his heart.

Drew Kelk: Ah, yes, Canada. Good country. Lots of maple syrup,t hough we called it hoosenfaleraph in those days. No gravity at all. But a beautiful country I tell ya. Makes me proud to see it's what, almost six feet tall now? Pretty soon it'll go to country college.

TomIofIV: Country college? Why, I've got a story about the country college. Back in my day we'd head off there with white onions tied to our belts. It wasn't so much the fashion of the time as a way to keep the squirrels away from the garlic necklaces, which WERE the fashion of the time. Kept the vampires away, you know. They came over from the old country.

Drew Kelk: Never visited the old country much myself. Just wasn't done when I was a youngin. Instead, we'd grow up, marry, and concieve our children in Hank's tv warehous in Chatanooga. Everyone in the world, I mean. Avoided the old country,c ause we figured werewolves was easier than vampires, even though guns and silver bullets hadn't been invented yet. I miss that store. Learned me to wrestle right on top of the only big screen tv they had. Got one channel, nothing but Martha Stewart.

TomIofIV: No foolin! Martha Stewart taught me to wrestle! Was late one night in the back of a pickup truck, said, "Taamo, imma make a man outa you tonight." Showed me the ankle lock when I tried to get away, the Boston crab when she needed to stretch out and the good old ass-plug driver once I got on top. Boy, she bumped like a man.

Drew Kelk: Why Martha Stewart IS a man, son, didn't you know? Went through eight hundred and twenty three consecutive sex changes before getting that there TV show. Used to be a secretary for the dark lord Cthulu, and a page boy at the daily planet, working under Superman himself, Flash Gordon. Odd duck, btu I tell you, her sheets at sears are certainly the bee's knees. Shame they're putting her ont hat bullet train to hell for crashing the stock market in the early sixties.

TomIofIV: The Sixties. Boy, what a decade that was. Why, I once spent sixteen non-consecutive evenings tripping on acid on my pappy's back porch, all in the span of one week. Let me tell ya, once them apple trees start bleeding and crying out in pain, you ain't never gonna drink no cider ever again.

Drew Kelk: Oh, I never drink no Cider no how. After being queen of the west, they tell you about the secret minerals in cider that you just plum don't want if you want healthy bones and muscles, and I certainly don't. Had a cousin once with healthy bones and muscles, just up and exploded. THough they say that may have been the gas tube down her throat and the match, but I never did kin to them new idears.

TomIofIV: Why, I ain't never trusted matches in the first place. Them things is tools of the devil. I always said, if man was meant to have fire in his house, the good lord above would have given us flint thumbs and steel fingers so we could spark up just snapping our fingers like so.

Drew Kelk: YOu know, I was sitting with the lord once, nice guy, for a filthy mexican, and I asked him right about that exact question once. And you know what he told me? He told me that he'd put a lot of thought into it, and then what would he give the rare lighter bird? I thought that was quite profound, and despite their name being changed to dodo, and the whole extinction thing, I've always raised two in my backyard ever since. Yeah, that lord's a nice guy. But I don't like how he's a Mormon. It frightens me. Filthy mexican mormon.

TomIofIV: Why, I knew a Mormon once. Fine gentleman, aside from his anal rape fetish. I tell you, I'm lucky I had that flaming gay brother-in-law who seemed to enjoy it, else I would have had one sore ass, I tell you what.

Drew Kelk: Speaking of sore asses, I hear Yanni's playing in town. So, anyways, I think we got off the point, which is wrestling. Now let me tell you, the greeks claim to have invented wrestling, but that's a lie. I was there, as Cleopatra's pimp, and it was the internet they invented that day. And that Al Gore feller really invented vodka cheese sandwiches. Fine eating on a solstice evening with the grandparents running around the yard, their darling little selves playing in the sprinklers and breaking their knees, and whatnot.

TomIofIV: You're damn right, my man. Breaking kneecaps is what it's all about. Why, I tell you, one night I had my good friend Stubbward Philpots McWeed over for a cigarette, and he just rambled all night about breaking kneecaps. Seems a feller named Flink decided to stop by... but, then, I'm rambling.

Drew Kelk: Well, there, I don't mind no rambling. Except from that Hitler feller. He commited the most horrible atrocity in the history of the world, you know. He made Vin Diesel famous. And that whole jewish occupation. But I've always thought them Jews was kinda askin' for it, what with their suggestive dress and all.

TomIofIV: Them damn Yiddish thongs, with that thar star of David drawn right over the cooter. That's just, well, distasteful. As was them damn Jehovah's Witnesses and theys god durned field-witnessing. I tell you, they witnessed more crimes that I wish nobody else is ever saw.

Drew Kelk: Yeah, they do call the police on ya quite a bit when you's is performing your holy duty and breaking man's law in new and disturbing ways. Still, they usually get distracted if you point and yell 'Over there, it's Jehovah!' Really embarassed me the one time I actually really did end up pointing at Jehovah.

TomIofIV: Why, you talk about pointing like it's a silly random thing to do. Pointing is a way for a man to be in communion with his Lord. One time back in ought nine I was pointing to the sky and I had a dang-ol' revelation. Course, I wasn't pointing with my fingers, and I had Bobbi Jo down there with me. That was the best baptismal I ever done performed.

Drew Kelk: Well, see, I was mighty embarassed caused I'd slept with jehovah's sister the prior last tuesday. As well as this actual last tuesday. And I ran over his cat. And his dog. And his son. But he seemed fairly nice about it, the filthy squinty eyed chinese bastard. Done invited me to fuck his momma, too, but I had to wrestle in Mississippi that night, in a story I may or may not have toldd yer already.

TomIofIV: Oh, would that be the night you outdrew the Canada show? I tell you, the only reason we couldn't draw more people into Canada them two nights was because Je-hovah started wandering his way round the arena, bleeding from the asshole and complaining that Martha Stewart done got him again. Turns out Martha Stewart was a god-dang Mormon too.

Drew Kelk: There's a mormon conspiracy, I tells ya. They control holywood and the media, by way of pretending Jews really exist. But they ain't j ewish, they's just illegal immigrant penguins. Very smart penguins mind, but penguins. Make a fine noodle casserole, and peck off your genitals if ye isn't careful. Then ya gots to go to that burning man festival to haves 'em re-attached like.

TomIofIV: Why, one year I was down at Burning Man and walked right past the genital recombination tent. Screams from there was like nothing I'd ever heard before or care to again. Reminded me of the time that Martha Stewart got one of those fine young Jewish boys in the back of the pickup truck. I tell you, it was nothing but dang yo anal rape all night long, right up till the early morn. That boy's screams sang so sweetly, I still wish I'd done recorded them and sold them like church organ music.

Drew Kelk: Oh, don't you worry now, Martha Stewart anally raping a jew always draws some kind of tabloid reporters. Only the most reliable for Martha Stewart, you know. She's the one what had them kill Princess Diana for reading her thoughts. Skanky whore deserved it, too. Only I kinda don't think the wall of that tunnel had it coming. Still, ya don'ts question martha.

Drew Kelk: (Are you logging any of this, Taamo, or are we just doing it at this point to see who gives in first?)

TomIofIV: Logging! I ain't got none of that there logging shit! That's a job for one of them that froo-froo Cana'jun boys in his flannel shirt and his maple seee-rup and his 'aboot' and 'doe-lar.' I tell you, the only thing worse than a Cana'jun is a damn Korean girl and her kim chee cooter.

TomIofIV: (No. No I'm not logging.)

Drew Kelk: (And I don't think either of us is planning on letting the other get the last word in, eh?)

TomIofIV: Actually, I'm about to shove off like one of them damned sailor boys in their froofy sailor suits. I tell you, the only thing worse than a sailor is a Cana'jun.

Drew Kelk: Oh, god, good,m cause I need to fucking sleep. We'll do this again sometime, though. Zed's been quite amused by my cut and pasting of the whole thing. He liked my entire Martha Stewart is a man bit and the 'The lord's a filthy mexican' thing.

TomIofIV: Yes, he mentioned.

TomIofIV: At least it wasn't two hours of rock puns.

Drew Kelk: So, night, Champ. Polish up that belt, cause I'll be coming for it soon enough. And I'm copying this conversation, possibly board posting it.

TomIofIV: I sure hope we don't have any Jews.

TomIofIV: The Jehovah's Witnesses I can take or leave.

TomIofIV: And anyone who follows Martha Stewart? Well, let's just say there's a reason we hated Cutthroart.

Drew Kelk: I think our racist, sexist, insane ways will get us adoration, on THESE boards.

TomIofIV: Especially the kim chee cooter remark.

Drew Kelk: Oh, yeah, thast was one hundred percent class.

Drew Kelk: And my calling jews illegal immigrant pigeons.

TomIofIV: I think we can safely call this one a draw.

TomIofIV: If we don't, the Mormons will rape the loser.

[Guest Ace309]

This is what happens when we're both up at 3 AM.

 

Thankfully, though, it wasn't two solid hours of competing rock puns.

[Guest Tod deKindes]

... What?

[Guest The Superstar]

(Y) kick ass, guys~!

[Guest redbaron51]

too make it easier to read, space it out will ya.

[Guest CED Ordonez]

This is greater than the drunken chat session that Tom and I had a few weeks back. Neither of us can remember what the hell was said, but I can assure you that that the CIA/Tom's AIM session >>>>> Tom/Ced's AIM session.

[Guest Ace309]

I remember it, vaguely. I had ingested 9 drinks (closer to 15, alcohol-content wise) in 90 minutes, and I came home and got online to pester Ced and Raynor. (Zed, sadly, wasn't online.) Over the course of it, Ced had two Sam Adamseseses, as well as 40 recreational ml of NyQuil.

 

God bless the internet.

[Guest CED Ordonez]

All I really remember was you bringing up me dropping elbows on my female friends while drunk and it just falling apart from there. And somehow winding up on the couch one room over without a single trace of bodily fluid or broken stuff to be seen.

[Guest Ace309]

You never should have told me about the elbow drop thing, you know.

[Guest CED Ordonez]

Yeah, in hindsight, it was probably best to keep that one to myself, but the thought of me staggering around drunk and randomly dropping elbows on women makes for an interesting visual.

[Guest Ace309]

Especially if the women in question are asleep.

 

That makes the whole thing, you know.

[Guest TheAntipop]

Getting drunk and chatting online? For shame, for shame, that is so lame. You'd never catch me making a drunken fool of myself online.

[Guest Beingz0wningj00]

I liked the comments... but how gay is a three dollar bill exactly?

[Guest Ace309]

Slightly gayer that everyone's favorite Bostonian.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Who, Nomar?

[Guest CED Ordonez]

Dammit, Edwin, you beat me to the punchline...