Some funny-ass wmx8 intros

[Guest]

here are some of the Wrestlemania 18 introductions from a chatroom personality known as MexHammer. Mex who is funny due to his odd wit, good personality and his stint as lead singer for Van Halen (although that may be Sammy Hagar). He made a long rant on Hogan and maybe a few more inside jokes (WID = Wrestling is Dead). Anyways, enjoy..

 

'ROCK VS. HOGAN

 

The Immortal Hulk Hogan is the greatest wrestler in the history of all ever. He enshrined pro wrestling in the pop culture landscape in the 1980s and helped restart the boom in the 1990s. In all likelihood the most famous professional wrestler ever, Hogan has won the WWF title...a lot. And the WCW title, too. He has headlined two of the three highest-attended WMs.

 

Hogan is more than a mere pro wrestling superstar. He is also an acclaimed actor, having starred in wildly popular films like No Holds Barred, Mr. Nanny, Santa (W/ Muscles), Assault on Shadow Death Skull Shadow Mountain and that 3 Ninjas movie where he was Dave Dragon. An Accomplished bass player, Hogan probably played that cool riff on Foghat's "Slow Ride".

 

The popularity of wrestling in the past 20 years can virtually be charted with the success of Hulk Hogan. He has faced and beaten almost every star in the past two decades and is beloved by children everywhere. He has had at least two, possibly more, of the best wrestling themes ever including "Real American" and "Theme From Hulk Hogan".

 

Most importantly, he was the star of the greatest match of ever. At WM3 in the Pontiac Silverdome in front of 2,377,524 fans, he picked up the 982 pound Slam Me Brother Andre the Giant God Rest His Soul Never Lost in 37 years over his head, twirled him like a baton and slammed him through the mat tearing every muscle in his back and shattering every bone in his body dude that's the wall brother Hulkamania Will Live Forever.

 

The Rock is the heir apparent to Hulk Hogan as pro wrestling's crossover megastar. He has 6 WWF World Title Reigns, 2 WCW World Title Reigns, 47 catchphrases, 28 $500 shirts and the most powerful eyebrow in wrestling. The Rock appeared in "The Mummy Returns" and stars in this summer's "The Scorpion King" with the Magic Black Guy from that one movie. I think he played football in college.

 

HHH vs. STEPHANIE MCMAHON HELMSLEY TERWILLIGER ANDREWS MCMAHON

 

HHH is a 4 time WWF Heavyweight Champion. He has previously appeared under the names Terra Ryzing, El Shaddai, Elohim and Yahweh. HHH is a founding member of D-X and created the Universe and all things in it. To look upon him is to see creation itself and would blind one hysically and destroy the human mind. He is the Alph-uh, the Omeg-uh and THAT-UH, DAMN-UH, GOOD-UH. Oh and he sucks and killed wrestling.

 

Stephanie McMahon Helmsley Terwilliger Andrews McMahon is beautiful and smart and writes great TV and is smart and has good ideas. She has great taste in clothes and is a real good writer lady and has a voice that sounds not unlike a thousand nightengales singing along with the laughter of ten million babies with Yo Yo Ma and three Jimis Hendrix playing along. She is the Undisputed World Champion.

 

Lucy the dog is the cutest dog in the world, isn't she? Yes she is! Yes she is! I wuv you, Wucy! Yes I do! Yes I do! Who wants a kiss? I think Wucy does! Yes I do! Oh, did Wucy take a shit on the carpet? Oh, who's a naughty dog? I think it's Wucy! Yes it is! Yes it is! Lucy the Dog is the Undisputed World Champion.

 

Dr. James Andrews is the chief surgeon for the World Wrestling Federation. He has worked on Chris Benoit (neck), Shane McMahon (knee), Chris Kanyon (ACL), Eric Angle (bicep) and nearly quit the medical profession after seeing HHH will his torn quad back to 100%. He is the Undisputed World Champion.

 

Chris Jericho is a professional wrestler. He has appeared in several promotions in a few different companies. His career highlights include losing to HHH in a Last Man Standing match at Fully Loaded 2000 and not being in a match where he didn't beat HHH for the WWF Title.

 

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN vs. SCOTT HALL

 

Stone Cold Steve Austin is entirely too popular to be in a match this worthless at Wrestlemania. Austin is a 5 time WWF World Champion and singlehandedly saved the World Wrestling Federation from disaster when World Championship Wrestling threatened to put it out of business. Thanks, Steve! WHAT? I said thanks, Steve...FOR NOTHING! Ha ha ha! Oh, wrestling!

 

Scott Hall is the original member of the New World Order. While Hall has never held the top title in either the WWF or WCW, his influence is still felt today. His WM10 ladder match helped define the Attitude Era and his shocking appearance on WCW Monday Nitro officially began the most recent wrestling boom. Most importantly, Hall saying "Da Bad Guy...is in your house!" in an ad helped bring me back to wrestling.

 

Kevin Nash isn't wrestling. Of course, you could say he never wrestles. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh man. Hang on. No, no, I'm OK now. Nash held the WWF Title once and the WCW Title four or five times and helped kill wrestling.

 

RIC FLAIR vs. THE UNDERTAKER

 

Ric Flair is, perhaps, the greatest professional wrestler of all time. He is a 2 time WWF Champion and won the other belt like, 70 fucking times. And it always ruled because Flair is The Man and he broke his back in a helicopter crash but still carried it to four stars and WHOOOOO! SPACE MOUNTAIN! FIRED? I DON'T EVEN WORK HERE! YOU'RE FIRED BUT YOU'RE STILL GONNA FIGHT ME! MEAN WHOOOOOO BY GOD GENE!

 

The Undertaker is the most respected man in the WWF lockerroom. The 3 time WWF World Champion oversees justice and order backstage and if you want to succeed, you better say hi to him, asshole, or you can get down to Ohio Valley yesterday. Hoss has an amazing 9-0 streak at Wrestlemania against nobodies. He's not a magic zombie anymore, but he's neither phony tough nor crazy brave.

 

David Flair is the second most talented son of Ric Flair. Biologically, at least. I maintain that Jeff Jarrett and La Parka make better heirs apparent. David Flair is famous for his crazy eyes and pasty white skin. I'm not sure he knows any moves, but he probably does by now. He's also Vince Russo's adopted son. RIG FLAYER, YOO BAWLD BAST'ED!

 

KURT ANGLE vs. KANE

 

Kurt Angle is a Olympic Gold Medalist and one of the finest performers in the World Wrestling Federation, combining in-ring work well beyond his years and amazing mic skills. Because of that, they treat him like shit in the WWF and he doesn't get WM matches until the last minute.

 

Kane is Glen(n) Jacobs, formerly Diesel II and Isaac Yankem, DDS. Make your own jokes, I'm too high concept for that. Kane is the Undertaker's brother and he was horribly scarred in a fire set by UT that killed their parents. He has magic powers like pyrokenesis and the ability to project Deadly Mystical Lightning. He used to not talk and ruled.

 

Ken Shamrock was once the toughest man on the planet and is a former...Oh, I dunno, let's say Intercontinental Champion. All this talk about Ken Shamrock IS MAKING ME CRAZY! I'VE SNAPPED! ARGH! KNUCKLE UP! TRUFFLE SHUFFLE! WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? Ken Shamrock is a popular Ultimate Fighter.

 

Pete Rose is one of the greatest pure hitters in the history of baseball. Rose is a World Series Champion with both the Cincinnati Reds and the Philadelphia Phillies. He was banned from baseball for allegedly betting on games and sells stuff on QVC now. He looks like Moe Howard.

 

WILLIAM REGAL vs. RVD

 

William Regal is one of the most legitimately tough men in professional wrestling. Regal, formerly Lord Steven Regal, comes from a carny backround and has one of the more unique styles in the WWF. He was a long-reigning WCW Television Champion and makes some funny-ass faces. Remember when he called Rey Jr. sunshine? AWESOME! He's from England or something.

 

Rob Van Dam is one of the most acrobatic performers in the WWF. His exciting offense made him an instant fan favorite, but the WWF was all "Shit on that, man!" and you know. RVD was ECW TV Champion for ten years and one time that dude on the $1 bill winked at him and he was all "Ohhhh, dude!" and he kind of freaked out, but then he was cool with it. Here, hold on to this chair...KICK!

 

CHRISTIAN VS. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE

 

Christian is a former WWF European Champion, LHW Champ and Seven Time WWF Tag Team Champion. He's a pretty good wrestler and he's really funny, but look what that gets you, ya know? Anyway, remember those crazy-ass sunglasses? And when he was a vampire and Edge tried to save him and he wasn't a vampire anymore? CHRIS-TIIIAAAAN! That's a cool theme.

 

DDP is one of the greatest talkers in the history of pro wrestling. Einsteiner? Hollywood SCUM Hogan? BANG!? I'm still standin'!? Hey, hey, monkey? All him. Ah, I'm just messin' with ya, bro. DDP can be OK and people love his finisher and it's not his fault some old dude put his wife over DDP and killed his heat. Plus, DDP's wife was hot.

 

TRISH vs. LITA vs. JAZZ

 

Trish has really large breasts and is from Canada. She is a former WWF Women's champion. She wears hats.

 

Lita has a big-ass tattoo that completely ruins whatever sex appeal she has, if you're into her type in the first place. She cheats a lot and her underwear sticks out and she's gonna break somebody's neck someday. She is a former WWF Women's Champion.

 

Jazz is the WWF Women's Champion. Go figure.

 

BOOKER T vs. EDGE

 

Booker T is a 5 Time WCW World Champion, former US Champ, 10 time WCW tag champion, 6 time TV Champion, has had a variety of exciting finishers and transformed himself from one of the greatest tag wrestlers of all time into a World Champion singles star against all odds. Now he's supposed to be a mentally challenged thief fighting over Japanese Shampoo. WID.

 

Edge is a 7 time WWF Tag Champion, 3 time IC Champion and the 2001 King of the Ring. Edge has that rare combination of look, size, skill and charisma to be a major star in the business. And he overcame being a vampire. But then they made him not talk and ruined his career. "Ha ha, up yers, Edge, you Billy Gunned it after all," sez the WWF! WID!

 

Billy & Chuck vs. The Hardy Boyz vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. APA

 

Billy Gunn is a...well, look, he's won entirely too many titles, am I right? I mean, what the shit, man? This is Rockabilly! Mr. Ass! The Assman! I don't get it. He's a decent tag wrestler, but come on. And he looks like Corbin Bernsen. Oh, go to hell, yes he does. "I LIKE TO PICK 'EM! I LIKE TO STICK 'EM!" I mean, really, what the shit?

 

Chuck doesn't have a last name, but if he did, it would be Palumbo. He used to have wavy hair, but now he doesn't. That's pretty much all there is to it. But seriously, about Billy Gunn, what the shit? I just don't get it. "I'M AN ASS MAN! BOMP BOMP!" It does not make sense. That does not make sense. The Hardy Boyz are Matt and Jeff, two fun-lovin' brothers! They have all these crazy move names and when they take off their shirts, the ladies say "AHHHHHHH!", but Matt and Jeff, they don't care. Know why? Do you really want to know? Do you? OK, but you asked. It's because...they're former multiple time WWF/WCW tag champs. Ha ha, gotcha! XFL!

 

The Dudley Boyz are D-Von and Buh Buh Ray, two brothers, only one is black and one is white, which is all crazy. They used to curse a lot, but they can't do that anymore. But they can still use tables and people like that a lot more than the Dudleyz themselves. The Dudleyz are 40 time ECW Tag Champs. The black one has to get the tables. Hmph.

 

Faarooq, formerly Ron Simmons, was the first black World Champion in North American wrestling. Or maybe he wasn't. You nerd. Anyway, he was always cool when he was Ron Simmons or one of the badasses in Doom (this just in - WWF in talks with Butch Reed!) and even when he wore a tinfoil hat and had forbidden sex with Sunny. He says Damn.

 

Bradshaw is one of the top draws in professional wrestling and he makes a ton of money for the WWF and is a big, main event caliber star, so it justifies him walking around like he owns the place backstage and don't go in the shower, man. DON'T GO IN THE SHOWER! Once, Bradshaw made a billion dollars on black hair dye stock.

 

HARDCORE MATCH

 

Maven is the first ever winner of MTV's Tough Enough. He is a 2 time WWF Hardcore Champion and he can do a nice dropkick. His finishing move is the Browbeater. Get it? Because he has funny eyebrows.

 

Goldust is Dustin Rhodes, son of wrestling legend Dusty Rhodes. Goldust is a former Hardcore champion and I think he won the IC title and (as Dustin Rhodes) the WCW US title a few times. Goldust is like gay, but he's not, you know? Not that I'm passing a value judgement. He's also gold, but I think that's paint.

 

Al Snow is a jobber. The guy is NEVER going to be a star, even though he's a good wrestler and is pretty funny. He had a mannequin head once. And a moose head. And yet they still didn't give him the World Title. Snow can grow a really cool moustache and he seems like a nice guy.

 

Bob Holly is a wrestler. He was almost really over once, so the WWF made sure to wreck his career. He's been a racecar driver and a big fat guy and has the best dropkick of all ever and yeah, he looks weird but he's kind of cool so go to hell, who asked you anyway?

 

Tazz has lead the most tragic life of all wrestlers. All his friends are dead or in jail. He has no hands. He's orange. Tazz is from Red Hook and he says things that don't make sense, but I'm the only one who notices. GRAND THEFT OXYGEN! "THANKS, TAZZ!" "THANKS MY ASS!"

 

The Big Show is Paul Wight Rousimoff, son of Andre the Giant, who was killed by The Big Bossman seven years after he died. The Big Show was once killed, too, when Hulk Hogan threw him off the roof of Cobo Hall. On one Nitro, he pinned Robin Hood and smoked 137 cigarettes. He weighs like a million pounds but he still looks better than Jim Ross.

 

Raven wasn't supposed to be on this show, but I wrote this just in case. Raven has had some really cool ideas for wrestling, but no one ever listens because they think their shit doesn't stink. He was really big in ECW, pretty big in WCW and invisible in the WWF. He has formerly wrestled as Johnny Politely, Scotty II Hotty and the Ding Dong Kid.

 

Hugh Morrus is fat. He once moonsaulted a guy and the guy exploded. He would make a good Curly if they ever had a 3 Stooges wrestling stable. Once, they made him be "Hugh G. Rection", which is funny, when you think about it...IF YOU'RE RETARDED. No offense.

 

EXTRA

 

Chris Benoit has tiny arms, like a dinosaur or Wayne Knight. He also has no neck. Benoit is one of the best wrestlers in the world, but you wouldn't know it in the WWF. I actually like him, but I hate everyone else who likes him. Also, Chris Benoit has broken at least two of the 10 Commandments. Can you guess which?

 

Shawn Michaels is the Heartbreak Kid, and one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. Look, I don't like all the backstage stuff he did, but he was still great and I miss his amazing matches and all, so let's just let bygones be bygones. C'mere, HBK, I'll buy you a drink. NOW, BRET, NOW! HA! SWERVE! SMIRK! WHO'S SEXY NOW?

 

Bret Hart is my hero. One of the greatest wrestlers of all ever, he's got a really cool cat named Smokey and crazy jackets with epulauts and he does cool moves and says cool shit and called HHH the biggest punk in wrestling and doesn't like shirts and cooks turkeys and his kid's name is Blade and the metal plate and Sharpshooter Evil Guitar Chord Austin Crutch Bretman Brett Clarke.

 

TEST/STORM/PERFECT vs. RIKISHI/ALBERT/SCOTTY

 

Test is a former roadie for some band, or he wasn't. I don't really remember if that was true or not. He almost married Steph and lost to HHH about a million times. He can't be fired. He kicks people. He kinda looks like a rabbit. And he has immunity, so he can't be fired. Don't fire him, because you can't.

 

Lance Storm is an excellent technical wrestler and has a haircut you could set a watch to. Storm loves Cracker Barrel and is, in fact, a cracker. He's got a cool, dry wit. And there was this big stink where he said that wrestlers know more about wrestling than you and ya know what? He was right, you friggin' nerd.

 

Mr. Perfect is Curt Hennig, a true ring general and one of the great performers of his time. Perfect has a cool towel he puts over his shoulder and spits his gum out and slaps it and can throw a football 100 yards and catch it. I liked using him in the Super Nintendo Royal Rumble game.

 

Rikishi has a really big, ugly ass. He's probably held a few titles, but I don't like watching him, so that negates everything else. One time, he ran over Steve Austin because HHH told him to, but you know why else he did it? He did it...For Da Rock. Deep down, he thinks The Rock is cool with it. And you know what? He'd do it again.

 

Scotty II Hotty stinks. Oh, he's a good wrestler, but you'd never know it. I don't like The Worm. He's a lot like David Arquette these days, I sez. Scotty once tagged with Grandmaster Flash, the legendary DJ who led the Furious Five and had hits with The Message and Wheels of Steel.

 

Albert is big and he's a wrestler and he can't wear any hats. Remember that in "Kindergarten Cop"? Who eez yer deddy und vat duz he do? That was funny. Let's talk about that instead of Albert, who might be cool but isn't and looks like one of those human-ish muppets like Dr. Bunsen and is named after a genital disfigurement.

 

HC EXTRA

 

Spike Dudley looks like a deflated Jack Black. Spike is one of the best bump-takers in the business and he seems like a nice guy and was a teacher and stuff, but he makes me uncomfortable and I don't like to see him on wrestling shows because it seems all sleazy and cheap and stuff. He's the hardcore champ...NOW!

 

Crash Holly wasn't a teacher and doesn't look like a deflated Jack Black and may or may not be a nice guy, but I don't really enjoy him as a wrestler, either. He does look like that one bad cop in the Police Academy series, though. He's been hardcore champ 56 times.

 

Kevin Nash's nachos are three time Arizona Mucho Macho Nacho Sals-off Champions. Nash uses a unique blend of salsa, sour cream and guacamole and a hint of picante. Nash once ate five plates at a WCW Souled Out.

 

Kevin Nash's pretzel bites are made by the Quaker Pretzel Company of Bryn Mawr, PA, with cheese supplied by Velveeta. Nash prefers to tear his pretzel bites into two smaller portions so he can get maximum cheese coverage without double dipping, in case someone else wants in on some dippin'.

 

Vince McMahon is upper class high society, God's gift to ballroom notoriety. He always fills his ballroom, the events are never small. The social pages say he's got the biggest balls of all! Oh, he's got big balls! He's got big balls! Such dirty big balls! And he's got big balls, and he's got big balls! But he's got the biggest balls of them all!'

[Guest MARTYEWR]

A lot of that was extremely cliched, but a lot was also soooo true, especially the HHH-Steph(-Jericho) part. Thanks for posting, and I'm going to go try Kevin Nash's salsa recipe.