Searching for Answers: Fire Jeff Hardy!

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Yeah, that's..man..the Imagi-nation is the whole like..visions and movie theaters in your head, the power of seeing things in your head..like right now when I'm talking to you like totally seeing somethin' else. It's so..I don't know..spiritual and I just think that the percentage of our brain that we don't use has to be like something relating to our souls or whatever, but imagination is just a beautiful word and a great gimmick and every time I say it now I say imagi-nation instead of imagination because I've been so used to saying it and people, you know, they dig it. My raccoon's name is Imagi..that's just sort of cool I guess.

-Jeff Hardy

 

Howdy there sports fans and welcome to the second edition of Searching for Answers. The first one didn't really get any feedback, but I kind of attribute that to me being new and the column kind of being an introduction. Either that, or I suck. But then wouldn't I be getting all sorts of "You suck" e-mails? Well, whatever. The e-mail that I did get mentioned that since Kurt Angle's heat is bulletproof, no real damage can come from yo-yoing him all over the card. But wouldn't his heat be even better if he stayed in the mains? Yeah, I thought so too.

 

Now, on to the meat of this column. Jeffrey Fucking Hardy. Well, actually I suppose his name is Jeffrey NERO Hardy. And what the FUCK is with that? Wasn't Emperor Nero one of the harshest persecutors of Christians in Roman times? Like in second right behind that guy before Constantine. His name escapes me now. D-something-or-other. Mean fuck. Anyway, my middle name comes from my dad's best friend. He gets this loon. Well, I can't say Jeff Hardy has ever made sense to me before, and this is just minor compared to the real reason for this column, aptly titled...

 

 

WHY THE FUCK IS JEFF HARDY STILL EMPLOYED BY THIS GODDAMN SHITHOLE THAT CALLS ITSELF A RESPECTABLE COMPANY?

 

As you may or may not know, Jeff was recently given time off to take care of his personal problems. For those of us keeping score at home, this is at least the third extended vacation this worthless fuck is getting in two years. FIRE HIM. HE HAS NO WORTH TO THIS COMPANY. Can his multicolored hanky wearing drug addict ass now. He is unmotivated. He is dangerous. No one cares about him. Firing him will have NO negative impact on the company. Keeping him could be a PR disaster.

 

And please, don't give me this "Oh, he has FANS!" horseshit. Jeff has two types of fans. Neither of them fits the core WWF demographic. The first is the hysterical gothic teen bitch. Now these girls can be very pretty. However, for whatever reason, they feel the need to uglify themselves up beyond repair. My guess is that it has something to do with Satanic worship. And no, please don't e-mail me explaining it. I don't care. However, I welcome any and all e-mails that can explain the crying. SOMEONE PLEASE tell me why these girls burst into hysterics every time they see him? He's not the second coming. He's not even anything special. He's an underweight drug addict. Have these girls led such a sheltered life that that they've never seen one? Hell, they're on MTV all the time. You would think the initial shock would wear off by now. Luckily for Jeff, he also has another group of fans. The middle aged overweight woman. I think that speaks for itself. But the point is, Jeff no longer has any connection to the WWF's main demographic, young men. Truth be told, when you have a guy go out there and flaunt just about every single gay stereotype, he's not going to gain many fans among males. Whether you like it or not, that's the truth. Hey, I don't care if Jeff is involved with a woman, man, or in all likelihood, a fucking garden hose. but the average young adult male is not going to get behind someone they think is gay, and that is really showing here. Whether you agree with that line of thinking is something that will be debated forever, without me caring, but it's not gonna change.

 

Besides that, the man is quite obviously on some kind of drug and refuses to get off no matter how many times they give him time off to clean himself up. I mean Jesus Christ, read the quote at the top of the page. Does that make sense to ANYONE? ANYONE? If you can decipher that, please, please e-mail me. Because that might as well be in French. In fact, anyone who writes a funny Imagi-Nation parody will get published in a future article.

 

He also refuses to update himself. Along with all the other reasons the Hardy's were suspended late 2001 was that they were SO stale. They came back, and well, they were still stale. And BORING AS FUCK. But the preferred word is stale. So, they chugged along, with absolutely no one caring (Well, maybe the fourteen year old girls and 44 year old women) until about July, when Matt turned on Jeff again. I say again because most people forget that horrid run at the end of 2001 that actually lead their suspension. (Shudders) God what a fucking horribly acted unintentional comedy hour that feud was. So anyway, Matt turns on Jeff again, goes to Smackdown and starts the awesome Mattitude. How does Jeff respond? Updating his look? Getting a new gimmick? At least attempting to gain mic skills? Why, of course not. He decided to now come out to the ring covered in paint. Because he's EXTREEEEEEEEEEME! and EXXXXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME people cover themselves in paint. Didn't Tori do this gimmick four years ago? And was mocked by Ivory? Well, Jeff doesn't care. Remember, he's EEEEXXXTTTTRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMEEEE! And I still don't give a SSSSHHHHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT! Update your ass or go away Jeff. If you return from this vacation no better than when you left, you are officially the most worthless sack on this roster. Just go home and write your lousy ass confusing as shit poetry and bake your cakes (Yes, that was actually listed as a skill of his in the new WWF magazine. I'm sure the three people on earth who can't bake a cake must be thrilled.) And watch your brother become famous because he isn't a lousy fucking lazy ass and he actually cares. On the bright side, you'll be a trivia question in ten years.

 

Well, that's it for me for this week or whatever. Obviously, It hasn't been a week since my last article. There is a chance I might be doing Tuesdays and Fridays once I hit my groove. I might also go back to one weekly column (More than likely at the end of the week.) Don't be shocked to see movie reviews from me if I actually get off my ass, and expect to see me in the next Crossface. In the meantime, you can read JHawk's Raw, DrTom's Smackdown, or if yo're feeling SPUNKY, NWA: TNA with Bryan or Dames. Yes, that was a desperate attempt at getting a return plug.

 

Until we meet again,

 

Matthew Ditaliano

([email protected] just in case I fucked this thing up AGAIN)

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