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Guest TSMAdmin

A Spoonful of Velocity for April 12th, 2003

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Guest TSMAdmin

So I got only one week of Raw under my belt, I was feeling good, got RAVE~ reviews for the Spoon-Fed Review, and then DrTom E-mails me and tells me that he decided to go with the more conservative C cups instead of the 34DDs he’d planned on. As such, he was able to do his Smackdown reports again, which meant JHawk was back on Raw detail, and I was out of a job again! Then our fearless and infallible leader, Damian Gonzalez, tells me that the Velocity spot still hasn’t been filled yet and I can have it! I was elated, but then realized that I’ve never watched a full episode of it. Let’s see how I do...


This is also very late because I got a fucking AWESOME system put in my car (1988 Caprice, BOOYAH!), which took all day Saturday, and I had to show it off yesterday at the beach. I HAVE PRIORITIES.


Josh Matthews and My name is ERNEST so I need a cool nickname welcome us to Velocity, which is NOT BY ANY MEANS in the same place Smackdown was. Velocity has some PHAT pyro.


Shannon Moore(w/ Hardy Boys book) v. Tajiri(w/Encyclopedia Brown book... I wish): Shannon starts by bowing to Tajiri but then he holds up the “V1” sign to the crowd. Tajiri responds by scratching his head. Armbar by Moore, Tajiri reverses. More rolling around on the mat and Moor gets a near fall. “V1” by Moore again. I’ll give him this: he’s at least TRYING to be interesting. Slap by Tajiri. We can call that SMACKITUDE~! HA! I kill me... no, really, you kill me. Snap mare by Tajiri and a kick to the back. Drop kick to the face by Tajiri and he mocks the “V1” sign. Oh HELLS no. As long as he’s mocking Shannon Moore though, I don’t care. It’s like picking on a 12 year old. Reversed whip to the corner by Moore but he’s snared in the TARANTULA~!. Moore fights out of it and pulls Tajiri off the apron and rolls him back into the ring. A man-child with REAL Mattitude would have beat on him outside a little. That is why you, Shannon Moore, are the follower and Matt Hardy is the leader. A near fall and Moore takes control.. Red-tail snapper (snap suplex) by Moore for another 2-count. The Cat sucks so much. I loved him in WCW when he was saying to call his momma and all, but sheesh. Tajiri fights up out of a headlock but Moore drops him by his hair. Leg-hook shoulder roll up by Tajiri for a 2-count and Moore gets two more near falls on his behalf. Kneeling surfboard by Moore. Tajiri comes back, using VTEC POWER~!... or not. Reversal of some Shannon CHOPITUDE~! Tajiri lays in his own. TYPE R HANDSPRING ELBOW~! by Tajiri. An attempted rollup off the ropes is attempted, but Tajiri holds onto the ropes. Moore rolls off and charges into a Tajiri back kick to the face. Does that count as child abuse? 2-count on Moore. Tajiri jumps from the ropes but Moore hits a boot to the gut and a spinning heel kick. If Shannon Moore were one of the 3 Ninjas, he’d be Tum-Tum. Moore rolls into a cover and grabs the ropes but Brian Hebner sees the rope grab and stops the count. Aww, how cute! Moore tried to cheat! Tajiri shoves Moore to the ropes off of an escaped suplex but misses a kick to the head. Moore springboards into a side leg drop for a 2-count. Another “V for Victory” sign and Moore climbs the ropes. Moore misses the Mooregasm (the FUCK kind of name is that?) and Tajiri hits the Buzzsaw kick for the pin. Boomshakalaka. I was entertained, but WWE is really treading on thin ice with the child labor.


WWE BRINGS THE CONTENT~ WITH... a RECAP~! Did you know Chris Benoit beat Rhyno on Smackdown to take one of the finalist spots in the #1 Contenders tournament for the WWE Championship? NOW YOU DO! This is the kind of shit they put on to justify having the big names on the opening video package.


NO ONE CARES ABOUT FAT HAIRY TURDS v. Chad Collyer: Logic says that Collyer wins because he isn’t A-Train, and more people give a shit about him by default. Also, Collyer is a Ring of Honor dude, or at least that’s what I recognize him from, yet another reason he should win. Collyer is about a foot and a half shorter than A-Ghey. Collyer gets right into A-Train’s face but Albert shoves him away because he‘s a BAH GAWD HOSS and Collyer is a mere mortal man of average stature. Lock up and A-Train throws Collyer into the corner, screaming all the while, because YELLING = WORKRATE~! Collyer ducks a clothesline and drop kicks A-Train into the corner. A-Train has gas, or he’s selling. I can’t tell. Collyer ducks another clothesline, hits a punch and grabs a head lock. Yeah, this’ll last. A-Train sends him to the ropes. Collyer avoids a third clothesline attempt by sliding under A-Train’s legs. Don’t look up, Chad! Drop kick to the knee by Collyer. Enziguri by Collyer for a near fall(!). Collyer goes to work on A-Train’s left knee. He twists it, bends it and drops onto it. A-Train eventually shoves Collyer to the ropes and tries for a choke slam. Collyer kicks the knee to break the grip. Holy dog shit! He remembers the knee is hurt! A reversed Irish whip sees A-Train nail Collyer with a shoulder tackle. Nevermind! Whip across the ring by A-Train... and I’m really sorry, but I DON’T CARE ABOUT A-TRAIN. He’s a fat, hairy, oiled-up SLOB whose days of being useful were over when he stopped playing football. Please WWE, get him OFF OF MY TELEVISION! As for the match, we’ll say A-Train did it in the Conservatory with the Derailer then went into the Kitchen to get blown by Jim Ross while Colonel Mustard tapes it and plays with himself. Yes, A-Train is so visually unappealing and boring that I say such things without a second thought and a SMILE to boot. Let’s see if we can get through the rest of this without me getting mad again. Naturally, a squash sucks, and with A-Train doing the squashing... (sigh)


RECAP~ of the return of Roddy Piper on free TV with Piper’s Pit, and the weirdness that ensued. I mean, if you’re going to hold a 19 year grudge like Rikishi, you don’t try to hit a dude with a coconut, you fucking KILL HIS ASS. But hey, Sean O’Haire appeared, so that made it okay. Oh, and there was this dude there with those three, he was like a giant penis, and he was stroking himself, like he does all the time. Anyone got any idea who that was?


RECAP~ of Nathan Jones being falsely accused of robbery, showing that he can’t even get THAT move right either, which allows the FBI to beat the Undertaker down so badly that he actually JOBS! John Cena, despite getting approximately six offensive moves in over the course of a fifteen minute match, manages to win! WORD LIFE!!!


The FBI v. Smackdown’s #1 Announcer and LOS GUERERROS~!: Ah, Eddie and Chavo will make sitting through Take A-Dump worth it. Chavo and Nunzio start off. Headlocks, armdrags and shoulderblocks, oh my! Kinda-sorta Indy Wrestling Sequence makes Chavo tag out to Funaki, who comes in with a double axe handle to the shoulder. Funaki works over the shoulder, but Nunzio elbows Funaki in the face. Reversed whip to the corner by Funaki into a bulldog. 2-count on Nunzio. Nunzio crawls to the corner to make a tag, unfortunately it’s the wrong corner and he winds up tagging Chavo. That was pretty funny. Eddie gets the real tag from Funaki and he tells the FBI to KISS HIS ASS~, with fewer words. Eddie stomps on Nunzio. Huge “Eddie” chant from the crowd. Tilt-a-whirl back breaker by Eddie for a 2-count. Nunzio is selling like a champ. Reversed whip to the FBI corner by Eddie. Drop kick by Eddie but Nunzio ducks so he winds up hitting Palumbo instead. GOOFY ITALIANS!!!! LOLZ2003!!!!!!!! Stamboli tags himself in... and walks into a drop toehold by Eddie. Chavo and Funaki come into the ring and all three hit a triple drop kick on Stamboli. Phat spot. The Japanese and Mexicans CAN get along, despite that ugly Japanese-Mexican war of 1932. Nunzio distracts Eddie allowing Palumbo to sneak in and hit a super kick, all while Mike Chioda was keeping Chavo and Funaki out of the ring. COMMERCIAL BREAK. FUCK! When we return, Stamboli and Eddie are trading punches. Palumbo makes the tag and he and Stamboli stomp away at Eddie. Funaki and Chavo try to run in but Chioda stops them. Nunzio takes Eddie outside and power slams him onto the mat. Nunzio rolls Eddie back in and Palumbo gets a 2-count. Punch by Palumbo and he tags Stamboli back in. Double team hip toss catch slam by the FBI. Cover by Stamboli but Chavo breaks it up. Stamboli rams Eddie into the FBI corner and punches away at him. Stamboli distracts Chioda allowing Palumbo and Nunzio to double team Eddie. Ninzio tags back in. Eddie goes for a tag by Nunzio drags him away and drops a knee to the head. Side head lock by Nunzio. Eddie works to his feet and rams Nunzio into the corner. Eddie charges, right into a Nunzio back elbow. Sicilian Slice by Nunzio for a 2-count. Both Funaki and Chavo broke up the count. Stamboli runs in, tags Palumbo and hoists Eddie over his head. Stamboli tosses Eddie into the ropes and Palumbo hits him with a super kick. 2-count by Palumbo. They trade punches. Samoan drop by Palumbo. I love Eddie being the face in peril. 2-count on Eddie. Irish whip by Palumbo but Eddie comes back with... not a hurricanrana, but because this is MY recap, a KYLIECANRANA~! Nunzio hits Eddie from behind. Palumbo tags Stamboli but Eddie goes wild nailing all 3 FBI members with punches and elbows. Eddie grabs Palumbo’s hand, scales the ropes, leaps onto Stamboli’s shoulders and hits a simultaneous arm drag and head scissors take over on both men. Funaki gets the hot tag. He clotheslines Nunzio, drop kicks Palumbo, clothelines Nunzio again and hits Palumbo with a DDT that Palumbo screwed up so it went from a tornado DDT to just a DDT. Stamboli hits Funaki from behind. Chavo drop kicks Stamboli. Chavo tosses Nunzio out of the ring and hits a plancha onto him. Eddie attacks Stamboli on the outside. Stamboli drops Eddie over the guardrail. Funaki climbs the ropes and tries a cross body on Chuck. Chuck catches him. Stamboli shoves Chavo off the apron. Palumbo hits a back breaker and holds Funaki there as Stamboli hits a top rope leg drop. Together those moves form the Kiss of Death, or the Coolest Tag Team Move Used Today Other Than The Team Angle Superkick/German Suplex. Nunzio’s the legal man so Stamboli drapes him across Funaki for the pin. Awesome match for a B-show.


See everyone next week!


Send me feedback if you hate A-Train!

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