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Guest TSMAdmin

A Spoonful of Raw for June 9th, 2003

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Guest TSMAdmin

Hello all, and welcome to this week’s Spoonful of Raw. First things first, I was accused of (and rightly so) plagarizing parts of Scott Keith’s SmarK Raw Rant for my own recap last week. Well, good readers, this is correct. My reasoning was that I was tired, the report needed to go up (it was finally posted on Tuesday afternoon), and I didn’t think anyone would notice. I mean, who pays that much attention to recaps, considering we saw the same matches and all? Seriously though, it was wrong, but in my very fatigued state last week, it made sense to me. I apologize to anyone who might have felt ripped off and Mr. Keith himself, if he even knows I did it. It was just to spare me going through the tape again to remind me of what went on. Anyways, I’m sure some reader told him. Hell, I had three people tell me. This week’s report is 100% original!


For the record, I DID plan on rewriting it, but my work schedule shot that in the ass.


Another tidbit for readers: If you know of anyone who’s trying to sell a Corvette from 1973 or later (for financial, insurance, and safety reasons), and for less than $7000 or so, send me an E-mail. My car fanaticism is reaching frightening heights, and I’ve become consumed with the idea of owning a Corvette. Make sure the person you tell me about is willing to take installments, because banks hate me.


Onto the report, and I’ll do the reader feedback thing next week folks. Someone send me something interesting so I can attempt to respond in a witty manner.


Before we begin, Triple H is demanding that Steve Austin tell him who the special referee for Bad Blood is. You know, I asked for next Sunday off from work, because I thought that was when was the show was. Apparently I was wrong. WWE sure does a great job of promoting, don’t they? Anyways, Austin tells HHH to have a nice day. Gee, I wonder who it is now...


WE’RE LOUD AND METAL-Y AND WE’RE IN MIAMI, MUTHAFUCKA~! Jim Ross and The King welcome us, and we don’t get an opening interview! We get...


Goldberg v. Rosey: Rosey comes out alone, since Rico left them to go to San Francisco with a flower in his hair. No idea about Jamal. Maybe he joined Rico. Once you go Samoan, you never stop moanin’, you know. Chris Jericho gives the festivities some style and flair by showing up for no particular reason. Goldberg shrugs off offense that would make dozens of jobbers (or HeAT loser Steven Richards) into pancakes. Goldberg clothlines Rosey to the outside, so Jericho gets in the ring mit einer chair, but Goldberg fights him off, squares up for a spear... but Rosey attacks Goldberg from behind, shoots him off the ropes, and gets speared. Goldberg with a Jackhammer. Goodness, never seen that much Samoan get thrown around since the great Typhoon of ‘36 (I’m totally making this up, please don’t be offended, Samoan readers)! 1/4* Once again, the spear is shown as something to be reckoned with, and WWE doesn’t give Jericho being blasted away on free TV. They’re learning again. Slowly, but surely, learning again.


JR and The King ask everyone to go to WWE.com and vote on who the referee is. I wish it was Terry Funk. I’d just want to hear him blast Nash and HHH as he did his job.


Gail Kim promo. I guess she’s going to be an attempted cash-in on The Matrix Reloaded?


Rob Van Dam v. Renee Dupree: Dupree jumps RVD during the posing! BLASPHEMY!!! RVD quickly fires back with the stepover kick thingie. RVD hits a split leg moonsault for 2. Dupree escapes to the outside, but RVD comes out, and hits the spinning legdrop off the apron onto Dupree, lying over the wall. Back in the ring, RVD drives the shoulder into Dupree’s gut, but he just can’t ever get that third shoulder thrust. Dupree works on RVD’s shoulder a bit (“Dude, that hurts!”), but RVD fights back with the Rolling Thunder. He goes for the Five Star Frog Splash, but misses. Somehow he isn’t hurt enough to do that sweet legscissors pin on Dupree. 1/2* Sylvian Grenier or however you spell his name comes out and La Resistance beats RVD into a pulp, finishing with their French H-Bomb. Kane is suspicious by his absence...



JAMAL: Rico, this is the greatest vacation ever! I never knew love until I knew that of my fellow man!

RICO: I only said I was leaving you two, I never said where I was going or who could come along! Speaking of coming along, shall we all retire to our penthouse...?

KANE: Mmmrrrpppppphhh...

JAMAL AND RICO: You said it, Kane!

(The three give a thumbs-up and the Pet Shop Boys play... “What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this...”)


Eric Bischoff has a big-ass roulette wheel, with all kinds of “redneck activities.”, but Kissin’ Cousins, Killing Shit, and Muddin’ are left off. What is there certainly is scintillating, so after some jibba jabba with Austin, Bischoff spins the wheel to see what the first event will be for the Redneck Triathelon. Sadly, “Chainsaw Challenge” came a few clicks short of “Pie Eating.” Bischoff says that he’s a pie-eating nut, and he can take any flavor, any time, anywhere. Austin tells Bischoff that the pie spoken of is the Poontang variety, and I fear we might get Kissin’ Cousins anyway. They virtually promise muff-diving on PPV this Sunday. Bischoff asks about the referee also, and asks if it’s Mick Foley by saying “Bang bang,” but Austin says Bischoff has to wait like everyone else.


Another tribute to “Classy” Freddie Blassie is shown. I missed the tribute on Smackdown, but this was moving also. Thankfully, they totally dropped kayfabe and had Hogan appear as, you know, Hogan, not Mr. America. Stephanie and Vince McMahon reminisce, but Shane doesn’t. He must be super adamant about not being on TV.


RVD finds Kane in the bowels of the arena somewhere and asks where Kane was during the beatdown, then insinuates that Austin was right about Kane losing his bloodlust. Kane just walks off as RVD says that they need to get back together for their defense against La Resistance this Sunday. Please have Kane never talk again. He seriously puts forth more emotion without talking.


Trish Stratus & Ivory v. Victoria & Jazz (w/ Theodore Long): Victoria got her own entrance, whereas the face team came out together. You know why? Listen to that motherfucking song and TELL ME it doesn’t deserve its own entrance. Theodore Long wants to holla, but Jazz cuts him off to tell Ivory that last week‘s pinfall was a fluke. Ivory gets pissed and floors Jazz. Ivory plays the Face Being Pummeled, and Jazz hits Ivory with a SWIZZANK~ trifecta of double underhook suplexes. Jazz’s sitdown powerslam transitions into Victoria’s slingshot legdrop for 2. I love that move. Ivory gets a jawbreaker, but Jazz dropkicks her in the face to keep her from getting the tag. This prompts a big brawl, and with Jazz on the outside, Ivory heads to the top rope for MILF AIRWAYS~, but Victoria cuts her off. She disposes of Victoria, and Jazz attacks the back again. Jazz looks to go for the STF, but Ivory rolls her up. Hmm, no hot tag to Trish... are they trying to make a second big face in the women’s division to combat Gail Kim if she comes in as a heel? I liked this, like all women’s wrestling. Sue me. **


Jericho catches up with Christian, who has challenged Booker T to a Spinaroonie contest. Nothing good can come of this. Christian has lost two matches since becoming the champion, and looks weak as fuck without some inane contest to make him look even more like a lame duck. Jericho says he can’t stick around for the contest, and Christian says that Goldberg might, you know, what’s the word... KILL Jericho. That was gold.


Scott Steiner (w/ Stacy Keibler) v. Lance Storm: Storm doesn't even get an entrance. Test’s music hits, and he’s here to do some Alvin commentary. You know, Test looks like a chipmunk and all... ah screw it. At least I can listen to Alvin talk. Test is just horrible. Steiner makes Storm look like a three year old pounding on Mr. Universe, and Test comes down to the ring to grab Stacy, Steiner grabs her other arm, and I fear she may rip in half. That would be cool. Yeah she’s hot and all, but we’ve got plenty of hot girls on this planet, and nowhere near enough people being ripped apart on live television. Storm uses this distraction to attack Steiner, but Steiner gets something in his eye (selling?) before finishing Storm off. DUD Test gets in the ring right after the pin and hits the “BOOOOOOOOT!!!” (read: THIGH SLAP!!!) He waffles Steiner with a chair, but Stacy shields Steiner. Test jacks her up into a corner and says that she doesn’t have to be his girlfriend, because she’s going to be his whore at Bad Blood. We have a pie-eating contest subject! But if Test was really that pissed at Stacy, would he pay her for sex? Why not slut? I mean, at least those are free. For the record, I’d gladly pay for the sexual services of just about every female in WWE except Terri, Jazz, and Jacqueline.


The Hell in the Cell’s namesake structure has been hanging above the ring all night, and now it lowers. Austin comes out and makes the foregone announcement that Mick Foley will be the special referee for Nash/HHH this Sunday. Speak of the devil, where the heck has Nash been? All they ever have him do is an amble-in at the end of every show. Anyways, Foley comes out and explains why he’s back and cuts a pretty good promo for someone who hasn’t touched a microphone since 2001.As he pledges to count the three on Sunday (prompting a “1-2-3” chant, and making me want to watch some 1-2-3 Kid footage), HHH comes out to interrupt the festivities. He says that Foley is now an ordinary person with an ordinary wife (HEY! She ain’t ordinary!), just like the rest of the ordinary people in the audience, who won’t cry for yesterday, because there’s an ordinary world, that somehow they have to find. And as they are trying to make their way to the ordinary world, they will learn to survive. A cookie for the first reader to tell me where that really easy reference came from. HHH reminds us all that he was the one who retired Foley (as everyone ignores the Wrestlemania XVI four-way where he was REALLY retired), and tells Foley that he’ll effectively beat the snot out of him if he doesn’t back out of officiating the match. Here’s what I don’t get about this. If his motivation is that he thinks that the face referee will be biased, then say so. If he thinks that by keeping someone from officiating the match will prevent it from happening, then say so. Otherwise it’s just another series of threats for no particular reason, and you can insert anyone into Foley’s position.


Ric Flair comes out for an interview... no, he’s introducing Randy Orton, who STILL doesn’t have the video I suggested for him last week. The Hurricane, Orton’s opponent for tonight, brings out Shawn Michaels as his own backup.


Randy Orton (w/ Ric Flair) v. The Hurricane (w/ Shawn Michaels): Hurricane zips around, showing how far Orton still has to come in his rehabilitation and his ringwork, and hits the Shining Wizard for what should be a pin... when Flair makes the save. Flair and HBK start fighting on the outside. Hurricane baseball slides Flair, but Orton uses the distraction to hit the Six Million Dollar Diamond Cutter for the win. 3/4* Flair goes after Hurricane, but Michaels fucks him up royally, and Flair BLEEDS~ before being saved from Sweet Chin Music. They continue to fight on the entrance ramp.


Spike Dudley gabs with Foley in the back, and asks Foley if it’s worth the risk to referee the match on Sunday, since HHH is omnipotent and can destroy everyone in the locker room on a whim. Foley says he’ll keep that in mind.


We get a SUPER DUPER POINTLESS SEGMENT as HHH is shown talking to Bischoff in the back, and we have no idea what they’re saying, because it’s one of the few times the eye of the WWE camera is supposed to be hiding. From what they’re saying, I can lip read HHH saying “Dude, this is such a great idea, I mean, look! I’m on TV! Isn’t that great?” Bischoff is saying “Paul, I don’t know, this is awfully stupid... and where the heck is Nash?”


It’s time for the Spinaroonie Contest, and Christian looks particularly handsome tonight. What, he does! Booker demands that King do a King-a-roonie. King busts out a CURLY~!, but Christian says it’s brutal and calls it a Shemp. Someone needs to watch their American Movie Classics channel on Saturday mornings more often. Christian does a Peep-a-roonie (which can indeed be put on pizza), but not before busting out some white boy moves to delight the crowd and make me laugh. Booker is all “fuck that noise” (credit to LooseCannon of the forums) and goes to do his own Spinaroonie, but catches on to Christian’s sneak attack and lays him out. Geez, Christian is a friggin’ pussy in this feud. I’m glad Booker looks great and all, but make BOTH people look good, sheesh. Oh, wait, Christian attacks Booker on the stage and lays him out. I guess that sorta makes up for everything?


Rodney Mack (w/ Long & Nowinski) vs. D’Von Dudley (w/ Bubba Ray): It’s Dudleys/Chessboard Connection this Sunday at Bad Blood. Theodore Long (WHO IS ON COMMENTARY AND ROCKS IT FIVE HUNDRED WAYS FROM SUNDAY) explains that Nowinski is brown, or something. Pedestrian match with me just listening to Long and not paying attention at all. Mack goes for the Black Out, D’Von reverses. Long distracts the ref, and Nowinski tries to interfere. He gets 3D’d for his efforts. The distraction is enough to let Mack slap on the Black Out and D’Von taps. 1/2*


Terri is in the back with Goldberg, who says that Jericho is next, and that‘s all he says. Good, now give him his old music back and we’ll have the WCW Goldberg I liked so much. Oh, maybe he was going to say something else if Jericho hadn’t biffed him with that chair and ran off. Goldberg shudders for a moment from the chairshot but stands back up and glares in the direction Jericho ran while smiling. I like this feud a lot. Keep it going for a while longer, PLEASE! No, seriously, I’m digging this.


Austin has a stagehand go grab Foley for him. This could have easily been taken out and substituted with another HHH and the Legion of Doom segment. “RANDY ORTON GONNA STOP THA SUPAFRENDS!”


Did you know Jericho biffed Golberg with a chair? Well, since they reviewed it again, I will also:


Terri is in the back with Goldberg, who says that Jericho is next, and that‘s all he says. Good, now give him his old music back and we’ll have the WCW Goldberg I liked so much. Oh, maybe he was going to say something else if Jericho hadn’t biffed him with that chair and ran off. Goldberg shudders for a moment from the chairshot but stands back up and glares in the direction Jericho ran while smiling. I like this feud a lot. Keep it going for a while longer, PLEASE! No, seriously, I’m digging this.”




I know how to calm myself...



(Rico, Jamal, and Kane are all lying in bed, Rico and Jamal are shirtless, Kane is still in his wrestling outfit. Rico is making loud moaning noises as he sleeps.)

JAMAL: Rico! RICO! Wake up! (he wakes Rico up)

RICO(moaning even as he speaks): What’s wronnnnnnnnnng?

JAMAL: You’re keeping us up!

KANE: Mmmmmrrrrrppppphhhh!

RICO: Sorry Jamal, but you know what they say about Samoans...


Enough of that. I’m calm again. No need to give any further details on that little threesome’s trip.


Austin asks Foley if he made the right decision and tells him that HHH is going to be back out in the ring to ask Foley what his decision is.


The Cell comes down again. HHH says that Mick‘s time is up. Foley says that as much as he‘s enjoyed the crowd and the atmosphere again, he WILL resume his ordinary life... next monday, because on Sunday, he will be the referee for the match. Foley says that it might mean HHH will fuck him up, but if HHH is going to fuck him up, he might as well do it in the middle of the ring, which makes me fear a Foley comeback. Foley rushes the ring, and they brawl, going toe to toe. They fight to the outside, and Foley takes that phat knee-first stairshot. He’s nuts. HHH then blasts him a few times with a chair. He’s really nuts. HHH walks away, and Foley makes a three count anyway. That was cool. HHH gets back in, and does a Pedigree on a chair. HHH walks away again, and again Foley counts the 3. AWESOME. HHH gets back in the ring, with the rest of the Legion of Doom this time, and FINALLY Nash makes an appearance. I hope they aren’t mistaking a pop for Nash’s amble-in as one for Nash instead of one for whoever would have saved Foley. Nash hits a Jackknife on HHH (see, they shouldn’t be showing the heel get the finisher on TV, that’s why the Goldberg/Jericho thing is working now), and FOLEY COUNTS THREE.


It was great to see Foley again, but that last segment was awesome, to me anyway. Foley just kept taking it and coming back, refusing to be put down just like always. Nothing to really complain about in particular for this week’s show, since, as you can tell, I am easily entertained.


Tell me, How’m I doin’? Got a Corvette for me?

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