On Site Report: WFA presents Retribution

[Guest Chuck Woolery]

Blasted apostrophe didn't go in. Oh well.

 

A few notes before I start: As stated above, this is my first on-site report. My tape recorder wasn't working so I'm going purely from memory, save for what few results I jotted down. Also, there's not going to be much play-by-play in here, just thoughts and reflections. All that aside...

 

Judicial Review: WFA presents Retribution

Live from the beautiful Fenton Chester Arena in Lyndonville, Vermont

by "The Judge" Joseph Peters

 

This was a house-show, so alliances were pretty skewed as we entered Retribution. Doors opened at seven and I wound up sitting in seat two, right next to a little seventh grader who thought the coolest thing in the world was to hold up his "Flash Me!" sign at Miss Peters, the face female wrestler.

 

I wanted to slap him.

 

Anyway, for the half-hour to kill until bell time we went over signs to make dissing Steve Bradley, and he wound up shooting down my ingenious "Steve Bradley > Jim Cornette" sign for the much more juvenile "Steve Bradley F's His Mom".

 

Yes, he actually wrote that.

 

Thankfully, in seat three was a fellow smark, and we discussed what really went on backstage in WFA, in addition to becoming their version of TNA's notorious Heel Section. Go us.

 

The billed main event for this show was an "Escape from Alcatraz" match between WFA World Champion Alex Arion, "The Promise" Antonio Thomas, and the tag team of Nightbreed against Steve Bradley, "D", Johnny Idol, and "Brutal" Bob Evans. It was billed as being under Wargames rules, so naturally I was looking forward to some submission based, bloody caged goodness. Instead we got WFA Commissioner Sheldon Goldberg coming out and addressing us... to tell us about the SPECTACURIFOLOUS LADIES' HARDCORE MATCH MGOD~~!!

 

When your target audience is horny males, I suppose you have to do so.

 

He also told us that "Escape from Alcatraz" would be held under Wargames rules. All right! He then handed the microphone over to the ring announcer, who introduced the first match.

 

Opening Match

Eddie Edwards d. Christian look-alike

 

Since this was the opening match I don't remember much about it. Lots of restholds, and some decent charisma from the Christian look-alike. Then again, I don't know how much charisma it requires to get a "CHRISTIAN!" chant going. Anyway, I have it marked down in my book that it was pretty blah, lots of punch-kick, not much actual action. Thus...

 

Ruling: Live Only

 

Ah, yes, my rating system. Let's go over it for a second.

 

Death: An avoid-at-all costs, utter piece of shit.

Live Only: Can be watched, but only if you're there to interact

TV Only: Can be watched, but only if it's edited for TV

Watchable: Can be watched through and through without any feelings of disgust.

Enjoyable: Can be enjoyed through and through.

Five Stars: As beautiful as RVD's frog splash.

 

Moving on: Post-match, the two wrestlers left and "Cum On Feel The Noize" began to play, and I marked the fuck out as Noize Boy Mark came out. If you are unaware of who the Noize Boyz are, then you should be able to deduce that they have the gimmick of 80's glam rockers. The only saving grace is that they wear Headbangers' Ball tee-shirts and they really, really don't care about looking like idiots; and trust me, they look like idiots. Mark came out tonight in full make-up mode, with his hair behind held back by a bright green bandana. I couldn't help but mark as he starting playing his three-string guitar and then grabbed the mic from the ring announcer to inform us that his partner, Noize Boy Mike (I think), was not in the building, and thus he'd take on the opposition TWO... ON... ONE.

 

How noble. Anyway, this caused some hip-hop music to cue up and Big Matty K came out. Now, if you don't know Big Matty K, picture your typical, rail-thin Brooklyn gangster-wannabe type, and you have Big Matty K. He rolled into the ring and informed Noize Boy Mark that he'd protect him.

 

Mark accepted, and thus, the Mark n' Matty K connection was born. This caused Kid Mikaze's music to cue up, and he came out alongside Scott. Scott is a dime-a-dozen indy worker with barbed wire pants, and Kid Mikaze wears black felt pants with a bright yellow ying-yang on them. Think Funaki.

 

Match Number Two

Noize Boy Mark and Big Matty K d. Kid Mikaze and Scott

 

Mark and Matty K bailed immediately, and Scott planchaed onto them. They got up (after some creative selling), and moved over to the outside so that they were parallel to the turnbuckle.

 

This is where things get hazy for me, as I seriously couldn't tell if this was a work or a legit injury. Mikaze ran over to the turnbuckle looking for a frontflip plancha over the turnbuckle, but something gave out and he wound up landing on the floor clutching his ribs. He stuck it out through the match, which saw Mark and Matty lay a vicious beatdown on Scott and culminated in Mikaze getting tagged in, becoming a burnin' building only to fall victim to a top rope move by Matty, who scored the fall. A good match for what it was, although I found myself paying more attention to Mikaze than the actual match.

 

Ruling: Watchable

 

After this, we were reminded to check out the tape stand and were then graced by the presence of KL Murphy and "Brutal" Bob Evans. Evans plays the role of a bald guy (seriously, that's the only thing notable about him), and Murphy is... well... I suppose he could be compared to an MFer. Evans always gets a good reaction due to being bald, and the kid next to me yelled at him about how much wax he used until finally Evans looked at him and said "Shut the fuck up, braces."

 

A part of me marked out.

 

Out to oppose Murphy came local boy Brandon Locke, who got the typical "You're-from-around-here!" pop. No talking for Locke... just the match.

 

Match Number Three

Brandon Locke d. KL Murphy (w/ "Brutal" Bob Evans)

 

This match actually confused me a bit - I thought Murphy was to be in the Escape from Alcatraz match, but instead he wrestled Locke. There was some good stuff here, a lot of arm work by Murphy, who reminds me a lot of Rico. Locke eventually got the pin with a flash pinfall, and this match came off too wannabe-RoH for my tastes. All the armbars and kneebars really led nowhere - Murphy could use some work on either the focus of his match, the outcomes of his match, or both.

 

Ruling: Live Only (if only for the superior manager work of Bob Evans.)

 

Next out was Justin Shape (!!), whose gimmick is that of Richard Simmons on crack with a blue headband. He was leading a congo line of four fat guys, for the advertised "Fatboy Invitational". He cut a promo on Lyndonville, saying that we needed to follow the Justin Shape workout routine by buying his videotype, "I'm Ready To Get Sweaty" (I marked for that), oh wait, we don't even have VHS machines yet.

 

I chanted DVD. He ignored me.

 

He then introed our first competitors...

 

Fatboy Invitational Semifinal

Al Starr d. Bulldog guy.

 

I call him Bulldog guy because I didn't catch his name. Slow, plodding, and boring, with Starr getting the win after something I can't remember because I didn't give two shits about this match. Afterwards, Justin Shape announcers our winner "At eighteen minutes, thirteen seconds!" and I mark out because this match was maybe five minutes.

 

Ruling: Death

 

Justin then introduces our next competitors...

 

Fatoby Invitational Semifinal

Guy In White Shirt #1 d. Guy In White Shirt #2

 

I paid more attention to Bulldog, who was leaning over and watching the match directly in front of me. I yelled at him to "Get his oversized glutes out of my viewing area", and he proceeded to slap his ass and fart in my general direction. Asshole.

 

Anyway, the match was again nothing to mark for, although Justin screaming "GET INTENSE! GET INTENSE!" was a thing of beauty. Finish comes at about four and a half minutes when guy in white shirt #2 comes off the top and hits an axe handle, but he "lands wrong" and grabs his ankle, shrieking in pain. Justin tells him "YOU SHOULD HAVE STRETCHED!", and guy in white shirt #1 puts him into an anklelock mere inches from the ropes. Guy in white shirt #2 taps anyway.

 

Ruling: TV Only (only for the absolutely hilarious ankle lock spot and Justin at ringside - TV could've made this match an excellent segment)

 

Justin announces Al Starr and Aforementioned Guy In White Shirt (didn't catch his name this time, either) as the finalists in the fatboy invitational... however, the White Shirted Fellows are already celebrating with Mountain Dew and chips. Funny stuff.

 

Anyway, Justin calls for the bell...

 

Fatboy Invitational Finals

Al Starr d. Previously Mentioned Guy In White Shirt (DQ)

 

...only for the guy in the white shirt to clock Starr with a Mountain Dew can. Shape announces Starr the winner "At TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES IN A FIVE STAR CLASSIC!"

 

Ruling: Death

 

Shape then tells us that Al Starr will face him, and if Starr wins he gets thirty days membership at Justin Shape's Ready To Be Sweaty training camp.

 

Match Number Seven

Justin Shape d. Al Starr

 

Starr originally wins with a spear... but Shape goes TO THE RULEBOOK~!, stating that spears are banned in Vermont and the match must restart. Shape then takes out Starr with... uh... a move I can't remember, and gets the pin.

 

Ruling: Death

 

After the match Shape tells us how we all make him sick. I still love the guy.

 

INTERMISSION

 

Photo ops with "The Promise" Antonio Thomas and Miss Peters (love that name). Of course, the horny seventh grader sitting next to me went up and got a picture done with Miss Peters and asked her to flash him. She simply ignored him, posed, and sent him packing. Very professional.

 

Match Number Eight

Brian Fury d. Jay So (or Soul or something)

 

Much like the Locke/Murphy match, this one seemed to want to be Ring of Honor too much. There was a lot of body part work and far too many restholds, and the result was never in doubt (Fury:WFA::Rikishi:WWE, only Fury's actually got talent), but it was still a match that could've looked good on TV.

 

Ruling: TV Only

 

Ladies' Hardcore Match

Miss Peters d. Nikki Roxx

 

Some decent hardcore stuff, with some memorable stuff. Like when Roxx came to the outside to grab a ladder, and the horny dick sitting next to me yelled at her to flash him until she looked up at him and said, very disgustedly, "Shut up". I was proud for her. Some decent brawling, and ironically enough this was one of the better matches on the card. Better than Trish/Victoria at Survivor Series. Finish comes from a Miss Peters facebuster onto a garbage can.

 

Ruling: Enjoyable

 

Match Ten

"Psycho" Mike Osbourne d. Chris Venom

 

As much as the previous match built up the crowd, this one killed it dead. A lot a lot a lot of punch/kick crap, with absolutely no redeeming value. Horrible stuff. Osbourne, who they seem to want to push, is shit, as I give Venom the benefit of the doubt - he's a dead ringer for Samoa Joe.

 

Ruling: Death

 

We get Goldberg once more to explain the rules for the Escape from Alcatraz match. I'm psyched - the cage is being set up, WARGAMES RULES, right?

 

Ha.

 

Instead, we get a shitty "Once all eight men are in the ring, it's escape rules. The first team to have all four men out of the ring wins." WHAT? I feel gypped.

 

Not only that, they don't even give us a coin toss. Instead, we get "Mofo Steve Bradley's team won the coin toss, so they will enter the ring at the first two-minute interval." It's not that hard to fake a coin toss.

 

Anyway... the match.

 

MAIN EVENT

Escape from Alcatraz Match

Alex Arion, "The Promise" Antonio Thomas, and the Nightbreed d. Steve Bradley, "D", "Brutal" Bob Evans, and Johnny Idol

 

The booking of this match fucking sucked. Antonio Thomas is the number one contender to Alex Arion's WFA Championship, so naturally we were all expecting (read: hoping) to see Thomas turn. "D" is getting one of the biggest pops in the world, so naturally he's put on the heel team. Ugh.

 

The match itself was pretty good. Nightbreed escape first after both climbing to opposite corners of the cage and avoiding their respective counterparts at the same time. My friends and I were clamoring for a double superplex, but this was not to be, as Nightbreed simply shoved off their adversaries and left the cage.

 

Johnny Idol and Steve Bradley both crawled through the cage door next, which was something else fucked up in my mind. Why not leave Bradley in til the bitter end? He's coming off of TLC with Arion, why not have Evans get out at this point? I can understand, to a degree, if they don't want Arion going over Bradley again, but still - it seems stupid not to capitalize on it.

 

Antonio Thomas gets out next, leaving me to hope that he'll prevent Arion from escaping. "D" escapes next, which leaves me even more puzzled - he's supposed to be a monster, why not leave him in there and let Evans leave now, have "D" destroy Arion, face comeback, escape. This was not to be.

 

"Brutal" Bob Evans and Alex Arion were the only ones left now, and Arion looked to escape. I could see Thomas cheering him on and was praying that he'd climb the cage and shove Arion down, leading to a heel turn and beatdown, but it was not to be, as Arion escaped the cage just before Bob slithered through the cage door, giving Team Arion the victory. After the match Thomas, Arion, and Nightbreed celebrated - no heel turn for Thomas. Seems incredibly stupid to me - Bradley, Arion's current feud, is leaving in a month, why not turn Thomas now and build some heat for him? Whatever, though.

 

Bad booking aside, the match was pretty good. Not great and definitely not Wargames, but passable for what it was.

 

Ruling: Watchable

 

That's the show. Overall pretty enjoyable if you're willing to drop smark standards and become a mark for one night. Definitely not a waste of ten dollars.

 

Verdict: Watchable

 

I am the Judge... and you have just paid witness to the Judicial Review.

 

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Goddamn, I need a different hook. Feedback would be muchly appreciated - it's midnight and I'm tired, so I'm not sure how it came off.

[Guest The Superstar]

EXCELLENT~ review. Seriously.

 

 

 

 

....

 

 

 

FLASH ME~!