AICN Catchphrases

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

What's your favorite Aint it Cool News Talkback Catchphrase?

 

 

1. *Character* has a beer and CHEETS on his wife

 

Origin: A Fake Batman: Year One script that had "GORDON HAS A BEER AND CHEETS ON HIS WIFE" with that misspelling about a dozen times.

 

2. Werewolves and Vampires

 

Origin: Harry Knowles gave The Matrix Reloaded a bad review because he felt they should have been fighting werewolves and vampires in lieu of the Oracle's speech about them.

 

3. Sequels starring Hulk Hogan as the bad guy.

 

Example (From "Gods and Generals): They should call the sequel "Gods and Generals 2: Operation Russia" and have Hulk Hogan as the All-American, Russian bad guy. Alternate versions have Hulk Hogan saying lines from the original with the word BROTHER at the end.

 

4. *Inappropriate Character* is the Sexiest Tomboy Beanpole on the planet!

 

Origin: The "Bend it Like Beckham" ads from the site featured the quote.

 

5. "*Film* Resonates with the emtional intelligence of Graham Greene"

 

Origin: Adverts for "The Dancer Upstairs" featured on the site.

 

6. "Dead, Raped, Deer"

 

Origin: Harry's review of "Wrong Turn"

 

7. "FUCK First posters. Fuck them up their stupid asses."

 

Origin: After little bitches cried "First!" fo being the first talk-backer to respond one too many times, someone adapted this Kevin Smith quote.

 

8. GRANDO Calrissian, Self-Immolating Yoda

 

Origin: An obvious fake Star Wars script that AICN posted.

 

9. "*Character* is sodomized by... of all things... a MONKEY!"

 

Origin: A test screen review of Helldorado

 

 

Did I miss any?

[Guest MarvinisaLunatic]

I can't read the forums any more. 9/10 times, there isn't 1 post for the topic thats worth reading.

 

I do get a kick out of the Hogan ones though..

[Guest The Hamburglar]

I seem to recall there being one about a bomb in your ribcage. The vampires and werewolves one really never ceases to amuse me. Its strikingly simple, yet the original quote was so mindbogglingly stupid it can still be used as regards any film. That and the Hulk Hogan references are the best.

[Guest Lethargic]

What started the Hogan ones?

[Guest Vyce]

Nothing beats the Keira Knightley "sexiest beanpole" posts in my book.

 

Although the "of all things....a monkey!" posts come close.

[Guest kane3212321]

CHEETS due to the sheer fact Harry posted that review in the first place when it was so obviously fake.

[Guest Mattdotcom]

Batman has a beer and CHEETS on Robin!

[Guest Lethargic]

I got friends who don't even HAVE computers but they go around making the have a beer and cheets on his wife joke all the time. That's far and away the best one.

 

I'm pretty sure that's why that thing DID get posted on there. It was too damn funny for him to just let slide. I believe when he posted it he had a disclaimer that said it was most likely fake but it was worth reading.

 

What would really kick ass is if one day the actual script leaks and that turns out to be legit. haha

 

I wonder if that thing is still in the AICN archives. I'd like to read it again. I'm gonna go search.

 

Ok I found it. Here it is for those who haven't seen it. By the way, I was wrong, there was no warning about it being fake. And actually, after reading it, I'm not sure it's fake either. Aronofsky and Miller both said they wanted to set the movie in the 70's, Aronofsky did say that he was thinking about making Alfred black, a lot of things in this really make sense. It's probably fake, but I don't think it's 100% that it is a fake. Remember this is a review of the script, not the actual script. Just because a person reviews a script and can't spell CHEETS doesn't mean he hasn't actually read the script itself. Who knows? After all, if this is true, wouldn't this explain exactly why Year One got pushed aside for Nolan's version? But I probably just have too much faith in humanity and hope that a person isn't as desperate to get their 15 minutes of internet fame by actually writing all this non-sense and sending it in. I wish the script would actually leak so we could see for ourselves.

 

Ok so I sat down again and read this BATMAN YEAR ONE script that is dated

 

6/22/01

 

Darren Aronofsky ,Frank Miller..

 

My source tells me (and he has yet to fail me) that this is the real deal.I explained how I know him and all that source stuff in an eariler email. Now onto the story..It seems all the hints  Aronofsky has given over the past 6 months are true.What we thought was just talk ends up being taken to the extreme. A 1970's style french Connection thriller..Well that and the fact that Aronofsky always seems to find a spot for drug addicts in his films. Well lets just start from the begining....

 

The films opens in 1953..Again (because film fans just can't seem to remember why batman came to be) We witness the horrible Murders of the wayne family..This is explained in about 5 pages.So do the plot holes start in the script yet? yes they do..Infact This story is full of pop culture references.. The details of whats going on around the story overwelm what is happening. Do we really have to know that the newest elvis single is playing in the streets on the night of the murder?..(YES THE KING HAS MADE IT INTO ANOTHER FILM,Does miller have a thing for elvis? Robocop 2 anyone?) The plot whole is the fact that Elvis did'nt have a national radio single until 1956..Anyways the mom and dad are gunned down..We had to see this because we have'nt figured out why Bruce wayne is batman (basicly the point of year one's concept..Yet is goes crazy from here)

 

(Here I'm sure is where Clint Mansell's Techno,disco Trip inspired score blasts over flashing images of Shag carpet and Bat logos.Somehow I think of a shaft like WAHH chicki chicki WAHH with a techno beat)

 

20 years later

 

Like I said Aronofsky seems to make sure DRUGS have a major role in each of his films.The opening lets us into this Herion-Under world smuggling on gothams harbor..A huge warehouse..Were The Penguin (Roman replacement) is made into a drug smuggling Mob boss..That talks bird jive. And yep we get to see some Herion pumping action..As the penguin shows Some of his goons what will happen if they turn on him.He attaches a thug to a table and injects tons of herion into him...dadada sceen plays out way to long..And then BAM! COPS BURST IN..Jim gordon and all..Smack smack.. Machine guns..Car chase..You keep expecting batman to show up but he never does.

 

GORDON HAS A BEER AND CHEETS ON HIS WIFE

 

Bruce wayne Takes an old school Girlfriend (yet he has been gone from gotham for sometime) Out on a night to some Gay disco club.. Then we sit through 30 pages of Bruce Wayne doing this and that.Suddenly relizing he is a BAT!..In this film he is driving with some blonde Bimbo in his Corvette and a bat slams into the windsheild causing an accident.He has some Flash backs (that play more like drug trips) and he looks at the girl after he saves her from the exploding car..He says "I've got a job to do"

 

GORDON HAS A BEER AND CHEETS ON HIS WIFE

 

Then BAM! We flash onto a sceen where Bruce wayne is dressed in a Black outfit..Fighting some thugs..Then he does the whole they are not afraid of me..I must be a Bat thing and makes an outfit..And converts his Stingray Corvette into a Batmobile. The black Alfred..hmmm..Well When Aronofsky said "Year One will be something Cool and Differnt" Is this what he meant?..A jive talken brotha..Well I'm no racest..But SPAWN is BLACK and ALFRED is WHITE! Batman walks out in the outfit and asks alfred "How do I look?" Alfred " Slammen!" (WHAT THE HELL?)

 

GORDON HAS A BEER AND CHEETS ON HIS WIFE

 

Inbetween this whole Bruce wayne becomes Batman alfed jive section.We see Jim gordon grow more and more concerned with the city.Bruce Wayne in support throws an Anti drug rally at wayne manor.Thus the penguin shows up and Starts some shit..Yep and Wayne Manor is burnt down.Harvey dent has a small sceen where he talks about the evil's of drugs..Oh wait! Dent is white (just so you guys know).Suddenly the next day (after all the main characters escape the blaze..Com'on !) Wayne has this huge high rise  Studio 54 disco Apartment high above gotham.Ontop on the wayne corp building (now it's just me but..Wayne just returned to gotham city at the start of this film after 10 years of schooling in england..He is 23..When did he start wayne corp? possibly his dad did?..But this goes unexplained) Yep and suddenly A niffty Batcave is made in the "Depths of the Dirty town" as the script says..

 

GORDON HAS A BEER AND CHEETS ON HIS WIFE

 

Well here is where I guess the film hits the 1hr 20 min mark..With a good 50 minuits left..We kick in right?..Yeah it moves fast..But there is so much shit going on ...First off the penguin somehow just dissipers because ITS TIME FOR THE RED HOOD SAGA!..dada! On batmans first night out he brings some of the penguin's thugs tied up to Gordon (who is not yet a commishner)..This kinda begins the Gordon/Batman thing.We learn that A man in a RED hood has been robbing banks and bussiness's over the past few weeks..For some reason the Penguin and his few followers decide to take over the chemical factory.When The red hood shows up ..And we get to see just how the joker was made again!...BANG! ZAP! ZANG!...Big fight..Penguin goes to jail and the guy in the red hood bites it (or so we thought)..Gorden thanks batman for saving the day..Dadada!.. Did I mention GORDON HAS A BEER AND CHEETS ON HIS WIFE! God I guess this story is about him..But all we see him do is Drink,Screw,,and talk to batman...

 

But wait..The Bat-Signal..Batman is in the Batcave and get this THE RED PHONE RINGS!!! (WHAT THE FUCK!) Gordon" Batman a crazy fool calling himself Da joka is terrorizing the city!" Batman' I'm on it!"

 

Yeah we get this cool 20 page fight with the joker and Batman..You see he kipnaps GORDON"S DAUGHTER and takes her to an old amusment park where she is stripped nakked..And although we don't see it ,,It's implied she was raped..Yeah you guessed it The joker is pissed because" Gordon and Batman let his Red Hooded ass fall into some chemicals".So he shoots barbra in the back.(surprised?)..I guess it's also not a surprise when we see her alive in a hospital bed in the end?.. The thing is...Even though The joker talks more jive than Dolmite..And Batman is walking around like he knows whats up (This is like he first few weeks as batman,,And there are no screw up?..Com'on I wanna see Batman fall..I want to see the mistakes he learns from) Batman and the Joker do this Talking this (ala The killing joke) and they act like they have always known each other.. Joker " Wow A life full of pain..Frowning on the outside..Laughing on the inside..But now Bats..I smile FOR YOU!" (what the hell does that mean) Batman "I'm not one to smile" (you go BOY!) lalala...Big fight ontop of some Amusment park ride..Where Batman Discovers a plan to POSIN THE CITYS WATER SUPPLY! THIS MUST BE STOPPED

 

THIS IS A JOB FOR ...NANANANANA BATMAN!

 

So some shit goes down and it looks like the joker is dead (ofcourse he is'nt)..Gordon and batman have some coffe (No really they do)..Gordon visits Barbra in the hospital and kisses his wife for the first time in the film..(I can't belive they did'nt manage to fit one more GORDON HAS A BEER AND CHEETS ON HIS WIFE sceen)

 

Bruce wayne visits the hospital and leaves..With Black JIve Talken Alfred picking him up in a taxie.Explaining to bruce that "That he  needs to get laid" Then the bat signal goes off high above..Bruce and alfred see it.. Alfred says " IT"S ON NOW!"...Bruce "Your damn right it is"

 

(Here I'm sure is where some more of Clint Mansell's Techno,disco Trip inspired score blasts ) Then we have some fun when we see (MAJOIR SPOLIER!) The joker is'nt dead..He is sitting on top of a building and flips a joker's card.He is starring at the bat signal!.. END!

 

Yes that is the incredible 70's ,French-connection-esqe,New and Cool Miller/Aronofsky EPIC..I tried to talk about the story (wait there was one of those?) But I did'nt even get into all the Hokey 70's pop culture Bullshit..Since then I have heard that the WB had a 2nd draft ordered..Then they read that And had a 3rd draft written (which I belive is being written now)..If this is what Year One is...Batman Beyond,Dark knight returns, Hell even TRIUMPHANT has a good chance of making it over this PILE OF SHIT!

Edited June 27, 2003 by Lethargic

[Guest NoCalMike]

AICN talkbacks are gems.....some of those people take shit way too seriously, and others are just downright hilarious in what they say. I have posted a few times under the name "NorCalMike" Hahaha, way different from my name on here~!

[Guest Marshall]

God, I never read then they make me feel dirty!

 

I have to say about the Wrong Turn thing, Harry was spot on. If you've seen the film, you'll agree its way too tame. They should show more fucked up shit otherwise it's just some dudes with arrows chasing teens!