Some fickle bitching for Raw

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Because I was away from the PC for most of last night's Raw and missed most the thread, I figured I'd share my thoughts over through a column-esque post.

 

These Kane video packages look really, really stupid.

 

We start off no pyro, as we segue directly into a Hillite Reel segment. What's up with not doing opening pyro anyway? SmackDown does that a whole lot now too I've noticed. I'm guessing it saves money and I know when I'm there live that my hearing appreciates it, but anyway...

 

CHRIS "MIDCARD" JERICHO wastes no time in bringing out ERIC BISCHOFF, who moans about the usual to videos of his chokeslam, then mentions that KANE is not here tonight. That's usually a sure-fire way of saying "he's here tonight", but it turns out he's "via satelite" instead. Oh. AUSTIN IS PLAYED OUT storms through the ring and wants to stunner Bischoff. Awwww, but Eric is looking so adorable with the neckbrace and the "please don't hurt me please don't hurt me" look. How could you ever Stunner him? Jericho steps up and takes the consolation prize instead.

 

TRISH STRATUS, HEV KEV & BIG POPPA HUFF'N'PUFF vs KEVIN TEST, VICTORIA, & THAT STEVIE GUY: Kev is managing to look even LESS interested. Steven is waaaay too bouncy for being a guy in pink pants. Steiner hits the crap chops and the suplexes right away. Did this guy learn nothing since Royal Rumble all the way back in January? Test is running scared of Steiner, so we switch to a catfight instead. Trish & Victoria do their usual then Test tags in. Test gets his HEAT~! with a shoulderblock to Trish. Boy oh boy, beating up women *and* having two failed main eventers in your match! Test is such a star! More catfighting. Hey Vickie, how does dipping her forward and bouncing her ankles off the top rope before dipping her backwards and suplexing her actually make it HURT MORE anyway? Uhoh, ***Big Sexy has entered the ring*** (smell the workrate fellas) and Test just can't stand up to his machismo, so Richards is Poochie'd instead. Is Trish the only guy on this team that Test can fight? I can vaguely understand a woman-beating heel, but not a heel who can only beat women.

 

Winners: TRISH STRATUS, HEV KEV, & BIG POPPA HUFF'N'PUFF

 

Jericho wonders to himself why this company seems to be the only company in the world where it's perfectly legal to lay hands on employees out of the ring. He gets some sort of crazy idea.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK. One of many. At least this one is timed better.

 

When we return, the Stamford interview room is set up with many of the same pieces of artwork on the walls that was on Austin's office last week. Did he loan those out?

 

I HATE LANCE STORM bitches about this boring gig he's stuck with, but is interrupted.

 

I HATE LANCE STORM vs GAME SHOW WINNER: I'm watching this match and all I can think about is the horrible singing segment coming up in a bit. I mean, this match is practically dead. Dear god, end it already. You know, Lance's "boring" thing was funny when I didn't know if it was a shoot or not (I have a special affinity for Canadian wrestlers getting "screwjobbed" or people otherwise having their careers buried unexpectedly on live TV) but now it's kind of, you guessed it, boring. It's not the next You Suck because you can't sing it along with his song or anything. It's hardly interactive and it's almost too true. I turn around and I see Lance's big ass on the screen. a very gay-looking rollup by Maven (Lance's head is RIGHT THERE, when did this become a Rico segment?) gets him the win.

 

Winner: GAME SHOW WINNER

 

Meanwhile, JR psyches himself up.

 

It's TEAM FRENCH FRIES but appearantly the Sgt Pepper coats are warping their brains or something because they decide to sing. Aiyee.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

 

We come back and they're still singing. It's 80s Time!!! however because THE DUDZ run in with a USA flag (so I guess Dudleyville isn't it's own country?) and do a beatdown and then do the worst thing for all of us as they sing too and oh dear lord stop the world because I want to get off! Did they really need this much filler?

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK. Again. So we accomplished really nothing at all and we have yet another stop for the ads. Holy shit. I wanted to just throw down the remote and go see "Pirates of the Carribean" but my tickets weren't until 10:30. Doh. It was a great movie, btw.

 

We come back for WRESTLERS EVOLVING BACKWARDS vs THE DUDZ: Seriously, if this were evoltuion of TALENT, it'd go Orton then Hunter then Flair. Oh well. Flair, repeatedly the most over guy on this team, is killed by Bubba, and demands a Spike tag. Spike almost no-sells the chops and comes back with jobber offense, which Flair sells. Orton tags in and dropkicks Spike clear out of the ring. Now if this was the Smackdown video game, this is the part where both the other Dudz feel free to walk in the ring and beat up on Orton while HHH and Flair showcase retardedness by hopping off the apron and beating up Spike outside. Orton's selling like a madman for Spike friggin' Dudley here. Come on. D'Von tag and a house is on fire somewhere, but HHH is GOD~! and breaks it up. Orton finishes Spike. Five guys in the ring at once now and it's too hard to tell who's doing what. Bubba squashes HHH and Flair. Whazzup thing fails because if you're going to crotch Flair, do it right and let him go to the top first. It works on HHH, and 3D on Orton. HHH uses the LOADED~! French Flag to elminate DVon. That leaves Bubba on his own but...

 

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK. What in the fucking hell?

 

We're back and Bubba sells the chops better than Spike does. Bubba trips up and plows into His Godliness so that leaves Orton. Randy is pounded on and does the Rock's selling routine, arching his back all funny and screaming. Or is that Flair's selling routine? HHH hits the Pedigree but somehow remembers that Orton is the legal guy, and that's it.

 

Winners: WRESTLERS EVOLVING BACKWARDS (3-0)

 

SILENT ROB wants Kane next week, so Bisch books it. But that means they'll actually have to do something with the unmasked Kane character! Bah.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

 

Jericho's got this petition thing going which is made completely meaningless because of what happens at the end of the show anyway.

 

BACK THE MACK (w/ THUGGINANDBUGGIN) is out to cut more of these promos, but it just doesn't work without Long on commentary. They say nothing of conequence.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK. Christ, that whole segment was total filler, especially because of what happens at the very end.

 

BACK THE MACK vs THE LAST TON OF FUN: You know, you could fire both these guys and hire AJ Styles or something and he'd still be well worth it, but... Eh... Mack does his regular shit and Rosey moves around like a fat guy can for a couple minutes.

 

Winner: BACK THE MACK

 

PLEASE KILL THE HURRICANE GIMMICK runs in and does almost nothing but stare at Rosey, as though he's seen love. Awww, how sweet. Not sure I want to see Helms tag with Rosey anymore than I want to see him shove his love cannon into Rosey's stinkface-maker, but I guess whatever keeps both guys employed will do.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

 

BOOKER T vs CHRISTIAN: You know what? I don't care anymore. I just don't care. I've had too many of these matches, so I'm hitting fast forward.

 

WINNER: BOOKER T

 

Eric gets a phone call.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

 

SMARKHYPE vs MOLLY HOLLY: This match is so short. And Kim has absolutely nothing. They actually could have stood to go another minute or so, as this was just too short to have any points of interest whatsoever. I didn't even get long closeups of Molly's boobs.

 

Winner: SMARKHYPE

 

Kane brings in his trusty friend, the gasbucket.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK. Again.

 

Kane and JR talk for a bit. They do the stupid "the scars are emotional" bit which is pretty much the only path they could have gone with dignity but it makes no sense since we've already had wrestlers looking repulsed at Kane's face in the past (DX, I think.) Either that or maybe it was because they saw Issac Yankem under there. They talk for a bit and then Kane gets pissed off and friggin' Austin interrupts AGAIN because god knows we haven't seen him enough and Kane sets "JR" on fire in a stunt almost as dumb as "Austin gets run over" and then Bisch runs out and tells Austin that VINCE'S OTHER LOVE INTEREST is coming to town next week to fire him.

 

 

 

Final thoughs: Hoo boy. So much filler. The singing, the constant commercials, the petition angle when Austin gets fired at the end of the show anyway. Dear lord this episode blew and blew hard.

 

Ahoy mateys, there be things in Davey Jones' locker not as ugly as this show.

 

 

EDITED for clarity and spelling.

[Guest JMA]

You should do one of these every week.

[Guest Dynamite Kido]

Honestly people bitching and complaining get on my nerves, but that was very entertaining.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

So much filler.

 

That's pretty bang-on.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

You should do one of these every week.

If I do, it'll be SmackDown, because I watch that on West Coast tape delay and can't participate in the threads with the majority east coast crowd here.

 

Besides, Raw matches put me to sleep and there's only so many ways I can say:

 

SOME JOBBER vs FUCK GOLDBERG

 

Guess who wins?

 

Winner: FUCK GOLDBERG

[chaosrage 0]

Damn. Well, someone sure is a Negative Nancy.

[Guest Anglesault]

Damn. Well, someone sure is a Negative Nancy.

Easy when there are no positives

[Guest Mik at Cornell]

Nothing against what you actually wrote, the only question I have is why? Are you trying out for a column for the site or something? Watch out Kotz, someone is after your job.

[Guest Goodear]

I'll say one thing positive...

 

Scott Steiner has seemingly removed that Royal Rumble stink so that he's pulling in midcard heat again. Good for him.

[Guest Bruiser Chong]

Damn.  Well, someone sure is a Negative Nancy.

Easy when there are no positives

There are but some people would rather stay in the state of mind that there are none. Yes the product is still pretty lousy but if you believe that these past couple RAWs compare with the ones we've been getting for the last year, then you're just being negative for the sake of it. There are plenty of flaws, but there are some bright spots there.

[Guest Big McLargeHuge]

I understand that RAW doesn't have much to be optomistic about, but this 'rant' was just off the page with negativity and cynicsm.

It got tired very quickly.

[chaosrage 0]

Easy when there are no positives

 

Including the hi-lite reel AND Theodore Long? I think you might be drinking a little bit of haterade there playa.

 

Even most of the people who hated the Kane segment thought it was going fine until JR got set on fire.

 

There's some continuity problems, but Kane, Bishoff, Austin, and Jericho did such a great job trying to make it work. It's either that or going back to pretending like he's burned when we can see he isn't.

[Guest Anglesault]

Easy when there are no positives

 

Including the hi-lite reel AND Theodore Long? I think you might be drinking a little bit of haterade there playa.

Teddy Long comes out with Rodney Mack.

 

Jericho looks bad on each hi-lite reel.

[Guest Bruiser Chong]

Who cares? If Kurt Angle's paired with someone you don't like, is he completely unentertaining, as well?

[Guest Anglesault]

Who cares? If Kurt Angle's paired with someone you don't like, is he completely unentertaining, as well?

If he comes out with Zach, I may change the channel.

[Guest hosserific]

wow thats a long post

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Nothing against what you actually wrote, the only question I have is why? Are you trying out for a column for the site or something? Watch out Kotz, someone is after your job.

Nope, absolutely not. My grammar is horrible and I can't keep my train of thought going long enough without making some horrible statements. I tend to do stuff like use the word "him" when talking about five different people and confuse everyone. That's why my posts get edited so damn much.

 

 

....Besides, I'd be too unreliable. =b

 

 

EDIT: Okay, people seem to be getting the wrong idea here. Yes, it's negative. I'm not being Scott Keith or CRZ here and writing a recap. I was just watching the show this morning and putting all my thoughts down, like I'd do in the One & Only thread but in one post. This is because, as I said before, I missed everything live.

[Guest deadbeater]

Jobber, that move Vickie did to Trish is called the slingshot suplex, made famous as Tully Blanchard's finisher. The idea behind it is the first dip on the ropes serve as the whiplash on the victim. Landing on ropes or turnbuckle is not like lading on a cushion, otherwise Owen Hart might have survived his tragic fall.

 

Good post otherwise.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Tully?? Blanchard?? Who the hell heard of HIM! The slingshot suplex was made most famous (and done best) by one Heavy Metal Van Hammer, be-i-e-i-otches.

[Guest Boomer Sprinklespax]

Nothing against what you actually wrote, the only question I have is why? Are you trying out for a column for the site or something? Watch out Kotz, someone is after your job.

Nope, absolutely not. My grammar is horrible and I can't keep my train of thought going long enough without making some horrible statements.

So that explains your pseudo-column then. I second Big McLargehuge, it was so boiling over with negativity and cynicism that it was just unreadable.

[Guest Big McLargeHuge]

EDIT: Okay, people seem to be getting the wrong idea here. Yes, it's negative. I'm not being Scott Keith or CRZ here and writing a recap. I was just watching the show this morning and putting all my thoughts down, like I'd do in the One & Only thread but in one post. This is because, as I said before, I missed everything live.

It would've been less confusing had you not posted it exactly like one of the many recaps on the net. Segment by segment and all that jazz.

 

I usually enjoy these but lately the cynicism on the board (hell, the net in general) is getting really irritating. I wasn't criticizing Jobber's opinions, just stating how tired things are getting.