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Guest jester

Randy Orton to Go Door to Door

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Guest jester

Randy Orton to Go Door to Door

 

In an effort to get people to give a shit about him

 

STAMFORD, Conn.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--July 22, 2003-- World Wrestling Entertainment™(WWE™) announced today that it has begun sending Superstar Randy Orton door-to-door in a cross-North American campaign to increase his visibility.

 

Orton, a third-generation Superstar and son of the legendary "Cowboy" Bob Orton, will visit every household in North America one by one, and do whatever is necessary to get him noticed.

 

"In most households, Randy will just give a short speech explaining why he is important and why fans should pay attention to him," said WWE Executive Vice President Kurt Schneider. "In other, more indifferent households, it may be necessary to resort to more extreme measures to get noticed, such as steal stereos, set the family pets on fire, or push over wheelchairs in the case of households belonging to the disabled."

 

Orton will be accompanied by World Wrestling Entertainment™ announcers Jim Ross, Johnathan Coachman and Jerry "The King" Lawler, who will praise everything he does.

 

The campaign kicked off today in East Port, Maine, where Orton visited the home of John and Susan Gerry. Orton spent 15 minutes posing, and handed Mrs. O'Leary an Evolution™ t-shirt. Later, Orton knocked on the door of Dwayne Kopperud, but Kopperud was at work. Orton keyed his name on his truck and left.

 

"Randy Orton is a bright young star and the future of this company," said Linda McMahon, CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment. "In fact, he is the greatest human being alive. Once, I saw him walk across water and heal a girl with skin cancer just by looking at her.

 

"Randy Orton is love," she added.

 

"I am not fit to roll in the feces of Randy Orton," said Rob Van Dam, another WWE Superstar who looks considerably less super next to the great Randy Orton. "Quite frankly I don't know why people do anything besides watch Randy Orton. You should all certainly cheer him instead of me."

 

"Randy Orton is almost as good as me," commented WWE Superstar Triple H™.

 

Linda McMahon also announced that World Wrestling Entertainment will introduce more programs and incentives to watch Orton later this year. In the fall, WWE will give six boxes of Hulk Hogan merchandise to house show attendees who can identify Orton out of a line-up that consists of Orton, a head of lettuce and box of laundry detergent. In the winter, WWE $10 bucks to houseshow attendees who react to him in some way. Any way.

 

Forward-Looking Statements: This news release was made up wholesale by an embittered fan, and was included as a means of warding off lawsuits. The fan who wrote this realizes that WWE's response to any kind of criticism they can't ignore outright is to sue it. And here's another forward looking statement: Orton sucks.

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Guest HartFan86

This is gunna go in the NHB in about 1-2-3.

 

Hey, I rhymed. Word.

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Guest razazteca

Kanyon so needs to kick his ass, for stealing his old WCW gimmick.

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Guest jester
This is gunna go in the NHB in about 1-2-3.

 

Hey, I rhymed. Word.

Yes, you're right, I should have posted it there.

 

Sorry about that.

 

Can a mod move this?

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Guest MarvinisaLunatic

The sad thing is they might be desperate enough to get Orton over that they might actually do something like this. If he was only a face, they could dust off the Lex Express..

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Guest Choken One

I'd Mark if Orton showed up at my door...I'd Club him and add him to my PERSONAL J.R AND PERSONAL Kamala collection

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Guest HartFan86

I thought the part about Orton keying his name in the car was pretty funny. The rest was eh.

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Guest Bruiser Chong
Anything that rips apart Suckbag ™ is fine by me.

Boy, I didn't know it was necessary to trademark something so horribly uncreative/lame.

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Guest Choken One

Well It is Anglesault.

 

 

Aside from his Evolution down the Hall way...He hasn't said anything witty in some time...

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