OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 7/31/03

[Guest Zack Malibu]

OAOAST HeldDOWN~! Official Preview:

 

We're now four days removed from License To Pin, an event that has had net writers worldwide raving. The comparison to our pinnacle event, AngleMania 2 has been overwhelming, and the HeldDOWN~! brand hopes to continue the streak of positive reviews with tonight's broadcast.

 

ZACK ENDORSES ENDORSED?

 

Last week on HeldDOWN~!, head of Totally Endorsed Calvin Szechstein approached both Shattered Dreams and Zack Malibu about possible membership in the crumbling stable. Looking to rebuild, Calvin wanted whoever came out on top at License To Pin to be a new face on his roster, after Slacker, Simmons and more recently Candie all opted out of their endorsement deals. Having retained the title in amazing fashion, is Zack going to honor Calvin's wishes, or is all this a ploy to get T.E. some much needed exposure?

 

READY FOR TEDDY

 

In a match that was to take place on the PPV, but was omitted due to time constraints, CWM will take on newcomer Ted Weddy tonight on our broadcast. On one side of the ring you've got a Canadian who likes nothing more than to get drunk and kick ass, and on the other side you've got...well, we haven't quite figured out Teddy's allegiance yet. This one should be offbeat, erratic and downright enjoyable to watch, especially if Gary Busey gets into CWM's "stash".

 

THE DREAMS IS OVER

 

Despite pinning Zack Malibu 6 times in one night at License To Pin, Shattered Dreams was unable to obtain the World Title. Having come up on the short end of the stick, what does this mean for the flamboyant one? Rumor has it that someone other than Zack on the hD~! roster is sick of his constant ego-feeding, and plans on showing him how things really work, starting tonight!

 

MACHINES, MADNESS, AND MORE

 

In tonight's scheduled main event, we're going to have a Three Team Elimination matchup, featuring the top teams on HeldDOWN~! Crowd favorites The Dream Machines will battle the enigma known as The Toy Machine, as well as the two upstarts, Mad Matt and Axel! Having come *this close* to the Tag Titles at LTP, the DM's are looking for a big win, while both Toy Machine and Mad Matt and Axel look to move up the card a bit. Pride is all that's at stake, but this one is a can't-miss!

 

PLUS:Caboose is irate after the events surrounding himself, Stephen Joseph, and Hex Machina. Can he survive being on the bad side of two of the sickest men in the OAOAST? All this and more comes to you LIVE~! in just a short while!

[Guest Zack Malibu]

OAOAST HeldDOWN~!

 

 

July 31, 2003

 

 

Brought to you by the Dynamic Duo of Commentary, Michael Cole and Jonathan Coachman, aka The Coach~!

 

Coach:"YO~! What's up folks? Jonathan Coachman here, alongside MC in the place to be, Michael Cole, and we're comin' to you live as always with HeldDOWN~!"

 

MC:"Thanks Coach. First and foremost I'd like to extend congratulations to everyone on the HeldDOWN~! roster who helped make License To Pin such a success this Sunday. The atmosphere was simply amazing, and our guys pulled no punches. Kudos to all."

 

Coach:"I concur, mad props to the hD~! roster. However, LTP is the past, and this is the present. Tonight, Michael, we'll find out what the deal is with Calvin Szechstein's offer to Zack Malibu."

 

MC:"We sure will. Also tonight, check this out. Three Way Dance, elimination style. The Dream Machines taking on Toy Machine and the duo of newcomers Mad Matt and Axel!"

 

Coach:"Man, that should be awesome. Axel and Mad Matt have been tearing down the house as of late..."

 

MC:"And saved the show from certain doom last week."

 

Coach:"WHAT? No, that was me! Just think, what would have happened had I not found the stack of tapes backstage!"

 

MC:"You found tapes that were over a year old, and had no bearing on our current roster or angles! The one tape you popped in, not only did it wind up getting eaten ON THE AIR, but it included guys who don't even work here anymore!"

 

Coach:"Jealous."

 

MC:"Oh for the love of..."

 

Just then, Tim Moysey's entrance theme is played over the arena sound system, saving Michael from yet another pointless argument. The fans go crazy when the heldDOWN general manager casually makes his way from the back and strolls down the entrance ramp. He high fives some fans in the front row and poses for pictures with others.

 

Cole: This is a mighty pleasant surprise! Tim Moysey joining on us on heldDOWN, will wonders never cease?

 

Coach: You're surprised that the general manager of heldDOWN is appearing on the show he runs? Doesn't take much to impress you, does it?

 

Tim Moysey: First, I want to say congratulations to OAOAST Zack Malibu. Each and every time he wrestles he adds another story for his hall of fame worthy career. And the iron man match at LTP was no exception to the rule. This guy is golden and I'm proud to have him represent the OAOAST.

 

Crowd: Zack! Zack! Zack!

 

Cole: The sold out New Orleans crowd showing their appreciation for Zack Malibu. Brings a tear to the eye.

 

Tim Moysey: Respect given where respect is earned. Thank you New Orleans.

 

(Crowd cheers at the mention of their city name!)

 

Tim Moysey: No respect will be given to the other half of the iron match. The darker half of the iron man match. I'm talking about the man formerly known as Shattered Dreams.

 

Coach: Formely known?

 

Tim Moysey: If it's wrong to laugh at his failure to become world champion, then I don't want to be right! For two of the most agonizing months in history you and I have had to suffer through his long winded speeches about how Zack Malibu was washed up and how Zack Malibu was a has been. Well, rookie, that washed up has been beat your ass at LTP!

 

(crowd cheers)

 

Tim Moysey: Tell me something, what happened to the savior of the OAOAST? Where was the high and mighty Shattered Dreams who said he was going to revolutionize the OAOAST? I'll tell you where he was, he was lying on his back for the one two three!

 

Coach: I thought authority figures were supposed to remain objective and neutral towards wrestlers.

 

Cole: Who cares? I'm loving this roasting of Shattered Dreams. I've been waiting months to see him get a tongue lashing.

 

Tim Moysey: Bottom line is, he choked. Big time. And it's for that reason that I'm requesting and audience with him. Mister former number one contender come on down!

 

Cole: Tim Moysey calling out Shattered Dreams? Things are starting to heat up here on heldDOWN!

 

(Fighter plays over the speaker. Alix angrily marches down the entrance ramp while a dejected Shattered Dreams lags behind her.)

 

Tim Moysey: Cut the music. Cut the music! Jobber's don't get entrance music.

 

(Alix grabs a microphone and stares at Moysey)

 

Crowd: Alix does anal! Alix does anal! Alix does anal!

 

Alix: Keh he!! Mr.Moysey, you can't come out here and say those sort of things. Shattered Dreams a choke artist? No way! He pinned Zack Malibu six times in one night. No one's ever been able to do that! Shattered Dreams should be....

 

(Moysey grabs the microphone from Alix's hands and throws it out of the ring)

 

Moysey: Save it sister! I ain't speaking to you. Be seen not heard. Got it? I'm here to talk to that man (points to Shattered Dreams). I'd ask you what you have to say for yourself, but I'm not in the mood to hear your whining or your excuses. But I am in the mood the mood to do a little house cleaning. Perhaps, clear a little dead weight off the roster.

 

Coach: Wait a second!

 

Moysey: In case you are not picking up my drift, I'm in the mood to fire both of YOU!

 

Crowd: Do it! Do it! Do it!

 

Moysey: The crowd wants me to do it, the boys in the back want me to do it, hell, I want to do it. But I'll tell you what, I'm not going to fire either of you. You see, I believe in second chances. And I'm going to give both of you one more chance to prove that you aren't arrogant, self centered pricks! I'm going to let the two of you remain gainfully employed, but now you are going to play by my rules. It's time someone taught you brats a lesson in humility and modesty! You may have been on top of the ladder at LTP but now I'm knocking you children back down to the bottom. From now on you're no longer OAOAST superstars, you're enhancement talent. Jobbers.

 

Coach: Defend that, Cole! That's a complete abuse of power and just plain wrong.

 

Moysey: What this means is that you'll be fighting other enhancement talent. You can kiss your entrance music, flashy lights and pyro good-bye. You'll enter during the commercial break. If your lucky enough to get on TV, that is. Mesh shirts, low cut jeans? They're gone. Black masks and black pants will be the order of the day. Alix Spezia, considering that's your real name I can't take that away from you. But Shattered Dreams, that's a gimmick name you have and I want you to consider it gone. From now on you'll call yourself SMINKY APPLEBAUM.

 

Cole (sighing): That was the name of my first boyfriend.

 

Moysey: Don't mistake my mercy for kindness. You can still be fired. If you lose to any of the other enhancement talent, you're gone. I'm also requiring you attend weekly wrestling lessons, taught by me. Failure to attend will result in termination of your contracts. If for any reason I feel that you two aren't showing proper respect to the real superstars in the locker room, I'll fire you. Do you find these terms acceptable?

 

(The heartbroken duo nod slowly)

 

Moysey: Good. Sminky, when we come back from the commercial break you'll have your first match as an enhancement talent. The match will be refereed by me. Good luck.

 

(cut to commercial)

 

(return from commercial)

 

Cole: We're back here on heldDOWN. You wouldn't believe us without seeing it for your self, but former number one contender Shattered Dreams has been busted down to lowly enhancement talent and rechristended Sminky Applebaum by our GM Tim Moysey.

 

Coach: Like I said an abuse of power. Tim's taken away everything that makes Alix and Shattered Dreams unique. Now he's got Dreams wrestling as Sminky and he's stuck wearing a black mask and dirty sweat pants. Like a poor man's Mick Foley!

 

Cole: Maybe, that's what Sminky needs. I think he needs to be busted down a peg, so to speak. He needs to learn humility and respect for this business. I'm glad Tim's taken the initiative to do this. Bravo for getting the ball rolling! Besides, you're just upset because Alix has to dress like a dumpy middle aged woman.

 

Coach: Let's just focus on the match. Who's the other guy? Keith Smurf or something?

 

Cole: Smith. Keith Smith.

 

Sminky's choking Smith in the corner but Moysey makes him break the hold. Smith stumbles out of the corner and into a DDT. Moysey goes over to Alix to make sure she's taking notes. Lionsault by Sminky but Moysey's to busy tying his shoe to notice the pin attempt!

 

Crowd: Sminky's stinky! Sminky's stinky! Sminky's stinky!

 

Sminky gets in Moysey's face but gets pushed into a Keith Smith school boy! Fast count! 1..2..kick out! Smith mounts Sminky but gets shoved aside rather easily. Sminky comes off the top with a cross body but gets rolled into a pin attempt!

Another fast count! 1.2.kickout!

 

Sminky: Merde! Quit counting so fast!

 

Moysey (slapping Sminky): Rule number one, respect authority!!

 

Swinging neckbreaker by Sminky! He goes for a leg lock but Moysey kicks him in the stomach causing the hold to break!

 

Moysey: Rule number two, if you use a move that targets the neck, then for the love of god use a submission move that targets the neck. Alix are you writing this down?

 

Alix(grumbling):Yes sir.

 

Sminky signals that he's going to the top rope. In the middle of his ascent, Moysey grabs him by the seat of his pants and tosses him to the mat.

 

Alix: Don't telegraph your next move?

 

Moysey: Good job Alix! It looks like someone's going to Dairy Queen after the show!

 

Sminky utters a slew of expletives as he applies the Mega Magical Sharpshooter to his adversary! The second Dreams sits down on Smith's back he taps, but Tim Moysey won't call for the bell.

 

Sminky: He's fucking tapping! The match is over!

 

Moysey: Ah yes. He is indeed tapping. But you have him too close to the ropes for my taste. If he had been a better opponent, such as say Peter Knight, you would've had to break the hold long ago. I'm just tryin to help you.

 

Sminky: Fine!

 

With the sharpshooter still applied, Sminky drags Smith to the center of the ring. Finally, Moysey calls for the bell.

 

Announcer: Your winner, Shatt....uh, Stinky Apellebottom!

 

Cole: That was different......Yes, let's just leave it at that. Fans, when we come back...he's weird, he's wild, he's Ted Weddy, and he's next!

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Back on the air, and Candie is backstage, heading over to the catering table and grabbing a Gatorade out of the cooler. She twists the cap and takes a sip, and turns around...right into Calvin Szechstein and Colvid, her former cohorts in Totally Endorsed.

 

CS:"Well, what have we here?"

 

Colvid:"Hey Candie."

 

Candie seems apprehensive, but responds in kind with a "hey" back to them.

 

CS:"You know, you had us fooled last week. I mean, I really thought you were tired of being a part of Totally Endorsed."

 

Candie looks perplexed.

 

Candie:"Listen Cal, I..."

 

CS:Ah ah...ssh."

 

Calvin puts his finger to Candie's lips, telling her to be quiet in a gentle way.

 

CS:"I know why you did what you did. I know why you helped Zack at the Pay Per View. It's obvious you've got an eye for him, and you wanted to assure that he'd join us. Congratulations on that. You've made us very proud of you."

 

Candie is no longer perplexed, but rather angry with these accusations.

 

Candie:"Let me see if I have this straight...you think I faked dissension so that Zack might take an interest in me, and that I helped him so that he'd more or less owe me, and join Totally Endorsed?"

 

CS:"Well, yes. That is what you've accomplished, isn't it?"

 

Candie groans. Calvin and Colvid don't seem to get why she's getting flustered.

 

Candie:"Look, I don't know why it's so hard for you to figure out, but I'm through with you! I'm tired of being a corporate puppet for all the sponsors. Tired of wearing certain clothes, eating certain foods. I don't want to be a human billboard! If I'm going to make it, I'm going to make it on my own!"

 

Colvid:"You're better off with us. HeldDOWN~! already has an equal rights freedom fighter. You do know Crystal, don't you?"

 

CS:"Easy Col, you know she won't make it that far. After all, she's just someone getting by on her looks."

 

Candie:"Excuse me?"

 

CS:"Oh please. You might as well change your name to Eye Candie, because that's all your good for."

 

Candie takes her drink, and hurls it in Calvin's face, soaking him in Fruit Punch.

 

Candie:"That little shower you just took was sponsored by Gatorade. I'm sure they'll be happy with their product placement tonight, don't you?"

 

Candie walks off, as Calvin stands there fuming.

 

Quick cut back to our announce team.

 

MC:"Well, looks like Calvin's all wet."

 

Coach:"So am I, I mean did you see what she was wearing?"

 

MC:"Good God Coach, I didn't wanna know that, let alone the MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WATCHING AT HOME!"

 

Coach:"Pfft, show me one guy who DIDN'T get har..."

 

MC:"OK, next up, Ted Weddy. Cameraman, PLEASE cut to the promo he's sent us!"

 

[Fade in]

 

** Ted Weddy and his homeboys J-Train and Gary Busey are standing in a local strip joint, havin' a few "brewskies" and stuffing dollar bills in G-Strings. **

 

(Ted, Busey, and J-Train are having beers and stuffing their faces in nice double D's until Ted turns around and says...)

 

Ted: "Well heeeeellllllloooooooo people of the republic of Teddy (ponders), SHIT, I meant um... the United States, I have come to tell you a few salad tossing deeeeeeetails about my friend cobainwasmudered."

 

(In the background J-Train and Busey are watching the strippers)

 

J-Train: "BEEEAAA BEEEAAA BEEAAA~!!!!! DAMN BITCH HOE~!!!!! SHAKE YOUR MONEY MAKEAAAHHHH~!"

 

Ted: " Excuse me Mr. Cameryman... J-TRAIN, SHUT THE MOTHERFUCKER UP BEFORE I TAKE MY SALAD AND TOSS IT IN WEIRRRRRRRD DIIIIREECCTIIIIIOOOOOONNNNNSSSS!"

 

Busey: (Runs over to Ted like a hyena) "Ted, take it easy, man. Take a deep breath and have a glass of water."

 

Ted: (In a whiny voice) "BUUUUUUTTTT BUUUUUUSSEEEEEY!"

 

Busey: (Busey whistles and makes a mug face) "Shut your freakin' mouth Ted and use common protocol. Say your sorry to Train."

 

Ted: (In a sad pouty voice) "I'm sowwwy Train."

 

J-Train: "No probs Tedda. Now lets aaaaaallllllll shut the fuck up a get to the mothafuckin' situation at hand."

 

Ted: "Allllllriiiigggttttyyyy! Nooooow, Cobainwasmudered, when I wrestle your ass tonight, my main goal is to steal your wallet. Forget the wrestle shit, hehe, just bring your wallet for me to steal."

 

J-Train: "I HEEEEAAR THAT MOTHERFUCCCCCKKKKAAAAAAA! SHIT! I GOTTA GATHER MY BEEEERRRRIIIINNGS BOYAH!"

 

Busey: "Eloquently put my friend."

 

J-Train: "AAAAAHHHH BUSAH, YOU MAH BLOOD MY BLOOD!"

 

Ted: "Shut your pipe holes and let me talk! Alright, I have gotten word from the streets of Compton and Bayside California that a crack face named Sly Sommers is gonna shoot the shit at OAOAST, on my show HeldDown~!"

 

(Busey interrupting Ted)

 

Busey: "Um, you know Ted, he stole my BuddyBand, and I am feeling emotionally distressed right now."

 

Ted: "Whatever."

 

Busey: "EEEEGGGAAAAH."

 

Ted: "OOOOOPPPPPPSSSSIIIIEEE!" I'm sowwy Busey, I'm kinda drunk, and I just got a lapdance while drinking some POLLLLLANNNNDDD SPPPPPRRRING... WHAT IT MEANS TO BE FROM MAINE.... HOLLIS, MAINE!!!!"

 

J-Train: "DAMN, YOUR A MOTHAFUCKA TEDDA. HAHA, MAH BLOOD MAH BLOOD!"

 

Ted: "MY FLESH MY FLESH! HOMESLICE!"

 

Busey: "Concentrate Ted at the matter at hand... Sly Sommers."

 

Ted: (In a whiny voice while holding a Poland Spring and a fake boob) "ALLLLLRRRRIIIGGHHHT, FINE! Sly you are gonna get your ass handed to you next week in that buddy, whadayacallit match, oh yeah, buddybaaaannddd match. You will royally toss my salad in good fashion." Well, that's all my freaaaaakkkkkiiiiiinnnnn mouth has got to say. Let's go peeps."

 

 

**Ted, J-Train, and Busey leave the strip club stone drunk and head back to the arena to prepare for the match against cobainwasmurdered**

 

[Fade Out]

[Guest Zack Malibu]

We return to a view of the back of the arena, and the crowd pops loudly when Zack Malibu, fresh off a victory in a grueling Iron Man Match this past Sunday, comes through the doors, into the arena. Zack walks down the hall, his bag slung over his shoulder, and stops short, something blocking his path. The camera pans over, and both Calvin Szechstein and Colvid, the two remaining members of Totally Endorsed, stand in his way, giving him mock applause as a greeting. Zack's face scrunches up, as he knows that these two are about as likable as used car salesmen.

 

ZM:"Can I get through, or are you guys playing hall monitor tonight?"

 

Calvin and Colvid look at each other, snickering.

 

CS:"Hall monitor, heh, that's good. It's good to see you have a sense of humor, champ. However, there is a more serious matter at hand, champ."

 

ZM:"Which is?"

 

CS:"Our little arrangement from last week."

 

ZM:"What arrangement?"

 

CS:"Oh c'mon champ. You must take me for one of The Stupids, available on VHS or DVD at Best Buy or whereever fine electronics are sold. It was just last week that you took my hand and shook it, which is a gesture of honor. Now, if you'd be so kind as to honor the stipulations of the contract I've drawn up..."

 

ZM:"Whoa, what? First off, you keep calling me "champ". I'm not sure if you're trying to be cute or if it's some type of subliminal advertising, but call me Zack. Secondly, I never agreed to anything, Calvin. If I remember correctly, I said "I'm not making any promises."

 

CS:"Look Zack, Totally Endorsed does not need Zack Malibu. Zack Malibu needs Totally Endorsed. With you aboard, I've scored sponsorships with Champion apparrel, Champ's Sport's sporting goods stores, the list goes on and on..."

 

ZM:"Wait...you've told your sponsors that I've already signed on?"

 

CS:"Well, yeah. You're a good egg, Mr. Malibu, and I knew you wouldn't let us down."

 

ZM:"Ah geez. Can I see those contracts, please?"

 

CS:"Of course. Colvid?"

 

The video buff hands Zack a stack of contracts, which Malibu starts to read over.

 

ZM:"Promotional appearances...I can only wear Champion clothing when I wrestle...complimentary Air Jordan's from Champ's Sports...wow, you really got the ball rolling on this, haven't you?"

 

CS:"You betcha. The sponsors are so thrilled with having you aboard that we've gotten an advance, which we will use for the greater good. To rebuild our stable from the ground up. I guess you could say we've been downsizing as of late, but I assure you, things are looking up."

 

ZM:"I see. Well, Calvin, it seems like you've got this all wrapped up in a neat little package. I've just got one thing to ask. Have you ever thought about the consequences of false advertising?"

 

CS:"How do you mean?"

 

ZM:"What I mean is (Zack takes the contracts and shreds them in half, throwing the remaining piles of paper at both Calvin and Colvid) I am not, nor will I ever be Totally Endorsed. You keep your sponsors. I've got my fans."

 

Zack storms through both of the TE members, whose heads are looking down at the torn contracts on the floor.

 

Colvid:"Damnit Cal, what do we do now!? This was our last chance! I don't want to crash at my sister's place anymore! I mean, sure the couch is comfy and I get a good rest, but..."

 

CS:"Colvid, calm yourself. We're not finished. Not yet."

 

Calvin scoops up the torn contracts, and he and Colvid walk off, as we take a break from the action here tonight.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

HeldDOWN~! returns, and Michael Cole is joined by ERNEST "THE CAT" MILLER~!

 

MC:"Ernest, why are you out here? Where's Coach?"

 

EM:"He's uh...indisposed right now. Asked me to come out and lend a hand."

 

MC:"I'm not gonna even ask."

 

EM:"You just did."

 

MC:"No, I mean, I'm not going to ask why he's indisposed."

 

EM:"Why should you? Ain't none of your damn business. Not like I wanted to know anyway, but I guess with that outfit Candie was wearin', he just couldn't..."

 

MC:"CAT! Not you too! Dammit, we might as well sign Lawler and dub you guys the Puppy Posse or something. Sheesh!"

 

EM:"Easy on the caffeine, Michael."

 

MC:"Oh shut up, Ernie. Let's take it to Josh Matthews, who's going to announce the status of the 24/7 Title to us!"

 

*Cut to former Tough Enough contestant turned announce boy JOSH MATTHEWS~!*

 

JM: Right now, it's my pleasure to...

 

(Out of nowhere, Michelle Branch's "All You Wanted" starts up, and out comes Sly "The Sly" Summers, for no reason whatsoever. He then swipes the mic.)

 

SS: Dude, thanks for the totally sweet intro. (pulls out money from back pocket) Here's ten bucks, go buy yourself one of those cool Zack Morris action figures off of E-Bay. Now, for those of you who have been living under a rock for the past....uh....long time, my name is Sly "The Sly" Summers, and, just like Stacy's mom, I got it goin' on! First off, I'd like to thank my sweetie Michelle for letting me use her song as my totally kickin' entrance music. Love ya, honey. Now, I assume you all know about how totally huge of a star I am. I've done everything from sell out Budokan Hall in Japan with my one-man band, using the California Dreams as my opening act, to team with Frankie the Enforcer's dad...that's Vader for you geeks....to take out some Japanese dudes at the Tokyo Dome, dude. I've come to HeldDOWN~! to save all of you homies...that's what the urban kids call each other...from those stupid, pointless goof-offs in the back. (crowd audibly groans) Hey, if you want to, I can SAVE YOU! Urgh! I mean, first off, you got the main dork around here, Zack Malibu, who prides himself on being the world's totally biggest Zack Morris rip-off. Dude, if I were you, I'd watch my back. Peter Engel's gonna sue your fruit-booty for stealing his show's gimmick, maaaan. But, I won't bother with him for now. There's also some chick back there named Diamond or Crystal or Jewel or some other crappy female American Gladiator name, who's apparently got a little boo-boo, and can't wrestle for a while. To quote Kelly's baby brother from a classic episode of Saved By The Bell: Waaaaaaaaaaah! There's a reason why Kristy Martin only lasted one episode on the Bayside Wrestling Team. As soon as you get that Scooby-Doo band-aid off of your knee, I'm the first in line to roll around in the ring with you....wait, I meant, tussle with you on the mat...wait, I mean...Michelle, if you're watching, I still love you! Anyway.....

 

("I pledge allegance, to the United States of Teddy!", and the Snoop Dogg song lead Gary Busey & J-Train to the ring.)

 

SS: Wait, I don't pledge allegiance....

 

The attack is on. J-Train and Busey double-Irish whip Sly to the ropes, and connect with a double hip-toss. J-Train connects with three jabs, and Busey grabs Sly's wrist for some reason. Sly tries to pull away as we see Busey pulling on Sly's Buddy Band, while screaming, "It's mine!!" Sly kicks Busey low, and slides out of the ring. Sly then runs backwards, keeping his eye on his attackers, as he runs backstage.

 

CAT: Somebody call my mama!

 

MC: No time to use your catchphrase, Cat!

 

CAT: No, seriously, she thinks that Slater guy is cute as a button!

 

MC: Well, while you call her, we'll take a break, and when we come back, Ted Weddy battles CWM~!. It's next, so get back fast!

 

CAT: I will!

 

MC: Not you.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

"I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE UNITED STATES OF TEDDY~!" screams over the speakers merging into "What's My Name" by Snoop dogg and the OAOAST newcomer Ted Weddy stalks out to ringside accompanied by Julius Smokes and Gary Busey.

 

Coach:"OK Michael, I'm back. But, uh...didn't Ted Weddy just run out here and scare that new kid off?"

 

MC:"Hey, he said he wanted to go back and make a grand entrance. Guess he's a true showman."

 

The Crowd is letting Weddy know they don't really appreciate him by hurling garbage at him and chanting for CWM..."SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT" hits and the crowd goes BANANA! The people's lumberjack stamps down to ringside with such a look of INTENSITY on his face that Teddy and his entourage scatter to ringside. CWM picks up a mic.

 

CWM: You know as I was sitting in the back watching you fools prance to ringside I realized that 3 on 1 isn't very good odds...but I'm pretty sure you won't be able to find any one else stupid enough to fight me!

 

CWM drops the mic and hits a running plancha on Teddy and his crew. CWM picks up Ted and tosses him in the ring. CWM starts to get back in the ring but Julius Smokes and Gary Busey are too tempting a target so CWM drops back down to the cement and tosses them both over the barrier and into the crowd before finally getting back in the ring. CWM walks over to the still prone Ted and starts to pick him up by his hair but Ted has been playing Possum and hits a vicious low blow that has every man in the building groaning in sympathy for CWM.

 

Weddy doesn't waste anytime gloating and quickly moves in on CWM. He whips CWM into the ropes and hits a kick to the midsection and then an XFACTOR!! OMG is he about to beat CWM? 1...2...NO! CWM kicks out! Ted is still unfazed though and picks up CWM and hits a quick reverse suplex and then applies the "Pop Some Wood" Chin Lock. CWM is in big trouble as he tries to fight out of the hold but each time Weddy manages to overpower him. CWM looks like he's about to pass out when the crowd bursts out into another thundering chant for him and he makes a last ditch effort to regain his feet. Weddy quickly changes from a Chin lock to a sleeper and hangs onto CWM for dear life but CWM will have none of that and instead of fighting out of it he drops backwards landing on top of Ted and driving the wind out of him!

 

The referee starts to apply the ten count but both men get to their feet at 5. Weddy charges CWM but CWM hits a leg sweep. CWM sends Weddy into the ropes and hits a textbook dropkick. CWM gestures to the top rope and starts to climb it! Just as he's about to take flight Julius Smoke pushes him off the top and onto the cement! CWM IS DEAD! Julius and Gary rush over to him and throw him into the ring for Teddy who nonchalantly covers CWM with one foot. 1...2...thre...NOOOO! CWM got his shoulder up!! UNBELIEVABLE! Ted and crew can't believe it! The referee is trying to get to CWM to check on him but Ted in a fit picks up the referee and hits a Bossman Slam! Ted looks at CWM and yells "COCKROCKET" to the crowd! The Fans are screaming for CWM to get up but he's still lying prone on the mat. Julius picks CWM up and holds him for Ted but Gary intercepts Weddy and begs to get a shot in on CWM. Gary goes for a SUPERKICK but CWM ducks! Julius is down and CWM hits a POLLYCUTTER on a stunned Gary!

 

CWM advances on Weddy and whips him into the corner with authority! CWM picks up the stunned Weddy and signals for the CONSPIRACYBOMB! He nails it! CWM covers...but there's no ref! He gets up to wake the ref but while his back is turned Julius gets into the ring with a chair and levels him with it! CWM is out cold! Julius tries to wake the ref and attempts to haul Ted on top of CWM but Ted is too heavy! He gets Gary and they both get Ted in position. The ref is still out so they attempt to wake him. OMG IT'S CABOOSE COMING TO SAVE CWM~! Caboose runs to ring with his cricket bat and fells Julius and Gary with ease! He pulls Ted off CWM helps him to his feet. Caboose reaches into his coat and gives CWM something...it's the TIRE IRON WITH CUSTOM GRIP! CWM levels Weddy and covers. Caboose gets the referee. 1...2...3~!

 

Winner: Cobainwasmurdered In 15:49.

 

Caboose holds up CWM's arm in victory and then tries to help CWM to the back where he can receive medical attention...but CWM refuses and gestures to under the ring. Caboose with a puzzled look goes and looks under the ring and then pulls out a six-pack of beer...Canadian of course. CWM and Caboose take to the crowd and are last seen celebrating the victory with a bunch of rowdy lumberjacks.

 

Coach:"Who invited all those guys? Looks like a pack of Paul Bunyans!"

 

MC:"Would you say that to their faces?"

 

Coach:"Of course not! Now let's take a break before I get my ass beat."

[Guest Zack Malibu]

::Caboose is backstage, having just celebrated a big win for his compadre, CWM. Caboose is a bit less jovial right now though, with a stern look of concern on his face, as he approaches a security guard...::

 

Caboose: Has he arrived yet?

 

Security Guard: Has who arrived, Sir?

 

Caboose: Joseph. Has he showed his face?

 

Security Guard: No, Mr Joseph has not arrived yet. Should I tell him your looking for him?

 

Caboose: No. He already knows.

 

Security Guard: Knows what, Sir?

 

Caboose: He already knows I'm coming for him.

 

Security Guard: Okay Sir.

 

Caboose walks off as the camera stays fixed on the Security Guard...

 

Suddenly Caboose comes running back into shot and attacks the Security Guard with his Cricket Bat!

 

Cole: What the hell is up with Caboose?!

 

Coach: Joseph is inside his head.

 

Cole: Yeah, but there is no need to attack the security!

 

Caboose assaults the Security Guard six or seven times with his Cricket Bat before more security shows up and holds Caboose back. Medics check on the fallen Security Guard who is a bloody mess::

 

 

At the announce booth, Cole and Coach are shocked.

 

Coach:"Talk about from one extreme to the other. Unless that was the alcohol talking."

 

MC:"I don't think Caboose needs to be drunk to hate Stephen Joseph."

 

Coach:"Hey, who does?"

 

MC:"Not me, that's for sure. Right now, while Coach and I discuss the joys of mixed drinks, let's take you backstage with The Parka and his sidekick Eddy Kalm."

 

(Parka is seen in his locker room bouncing a ball off the wall. It looks like he's still upset over not winning the tag titles at LTP. Parka bounces the ball harder as Eddy walks into the room. The ball bounces back and nails Eddy in the head causing him to fall over.)

 

PARKA

Oops. Sorry Eddy. Are you alright?

 

EDDY

I'm fine. (Pulls himself to his feet) The question is are you alright?

 

PARKA

I'm fine. It just seems everytime we get close to those belts something goes wrong. I'm just a little frustrated.

 

EDDY

Well don't you worry. PK and I came up with a sure fire way to cheer you up tonight!

 

(Parka gives Eddy a funny look)

 

PARKA

I don't know if I like the sound of this. But if it involves another massage by your lady friend then I'm all for it!

 

EDDY

No massage, sorry. But you'll like it. Believe me. Now let's head out to the ring and I'll show you your surprise! PK's waiting outside so let's go.

 

(Eddy and Parka leave the room and head for the ring.)

 

COLE

I wonder what this surprise is?

 

COACH

Maybe it's strippers!!! Oh boy I'm gonna love this!

 

COLE

Calm down Coach it's not strippers....is it?

 

CUE: California Love

 

(The El Camino drives up beside the stage and bounces for the fans. The crowd cheer and dance along with the music. Parka, PK, and Eddy pile out and walk to the ring. Eddy takes a mic)

 

EDDY

Now after last Sunday I knew that Parka would need a little cheering up. Later tonight we have a match and that is always good to clear the mind, but I figured I should do a little more. So I went out and contacted someone to show up tonight. Someone from your past Leroy. So let me introduce the surprise!

 

(Parka looks towards the entryway with anticipation and the arena goes dark. The fans buzz with excitement when suddenly a wolf is heard howling and creepy sounds play over the loud speakers. Parka looks confused as the spooky noises build. Some familiar music starts that the crowd instantly knows.)

 

CUE: Thriller by Michael Jackson

 

(Parka looks completely confused by the music until the curtain opens up and out comes.............LA PARKA!!!)

 

It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking

in the dark

Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops

your heart

You try to scream but terror takes the sound before

you make it

You start to freeze as horror looks you right between

the eyes,

You're paralyzed

 

(The fans erupt as the popular Luchadore comes dancing out. The fans are dancing in the isles as La Parka comes down to the ring doing his dancing. La Parka steps into the ring and shakes The Parka's hand. Leroy has a large smile on his face as La Parka invites him to dance along.)

 

'Cause this is thriller, thriller night

And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to

strike

You know it's thriller, thriller night

You're fighting for your life inside a killer,

thriller tonight

 

COLE

I can't believe it! It's La Parka here on HeldDOWN~!

 

COACH

I'm so totally marking out right now!!

 

COLE

You never told me you were a La Parka fan.

 

(Parka starts doing the Funky Chicken and then points to Leroy. The Parka then answers by doing the Cabbage Patch. The fans start to chant, "GO PARKA GO PARKA.")

 

You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere

left to run

You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see

the sun

You close your eyes and hope that this is just

imagination

But all the while you hear the creature creepin' up

behind

You're out of time

 

(La Parka does the Robot and Leroy busts out The Lawnmower! The crowd is going absolutely nuts as La Parka and Leroy have a dance off! Leroy and La Parka stop and point to Eddy and PK. Both men wave it off, but La Parka and Leroy ask them again.)

 

'Cause this is thriller, thriller night

There ain't no second chance against the thing with

forty eyes

You know it's thriller, thriller night

You're fighting for your life inside a killer,

thriller tonight

 

(The fans cheer PK and Eddy on and finally Eddy starts break dancing! Eddy spins around on his back with his legs tucked in and then tries to kip up, but ends up falling back down. The fans cheer and even laugh.)

 

They're out to get you, there's demons closing in on

every side

They will possess you unless you change the number on

your dial

Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close

together

All thru the night I'll save you from the terrors on

the screen,

I'll make you see

 

(PK, not wanting to be out done, does the Moonwalk. We then cut to the announcers table where Coach is up and dancing like a fool)

 

That it's a thriller, thriller night

'Cause I can thrill you more than any ghost would

dare to try

Girl, this is thriller, thriller night

So let me hold you tight and share a killer, diller,

chiller,

Thriller here tonight

 

COLE

Stop that! You're embarrassing me!

 

COACH

I'm a maniac, maniac!!

 

COLE

Well finally we agree on something!

 

(Rap performed by Vincent Price)

Darkness falls across the land

The midnite hour is close at hand

Creatures crawl in search of blood

To terrorize y'awl's neighborhood

And whosoever shall be found

Without the soul for getting down

Must stand and face the hounds of hell

And rot inside a corpse's shell

The foulest stench is in the air

The funk of forty thousand years

And grizzly ghouls from every tomb

Are closing in to seal your doom

And though you fight to stay alive

Your body starts to shiver

For no mere mortal can resist

The evil of the thriller

(Into maniacal laugh, in deep echo)

 

(The music starts to die down as La Parka, Leroy, PK, and Eddy all show off their moves. Leroy finishes it off with The Worm~! The music ends and La Parka and Leroy shake hands and then raise their arms into the air as the crowd goes crazy! The crowd chants, "GO PARKA" as we fade out to a commercial.)

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Cole: Welcome everyone, back to HeldDOWN. Coach, what a great night of action.

 

Coach: We've had one match, Michael.

 

Cole: OK, then call it foreshadowing.

 

Coach: And you bitch about me...

 

Cole: Right now, we're awaiting an interview segment with mad matt...how about this great youngster coach?

 

Coach: Well, he's sure sought to make an impact... ::mic cuts out::

 

::We see Cole and Coach tapping their mics, but they can't get any sound, leaving them to shrug their shoulders to the camera.::

 

Click

 

Click

 

::Lights, one by one, start going out around the arena, cameras flashing in anticipation of an unscheduled interruption.::

 

Darkness~

 

James Earl Jones, Voiceover

Purity through Perseverance

 

::And the crowd boos, smackled with a few cheers. On the AngleTron, the Trinity logo appears, a crucifix melting downwards, shining light appearing from the screen to envelope it in white.

 

::Cue, Come with Me, remixed into My Own Prison after its short introduction::

 

::Cole and Coach are shown, still trying to get their mics to work. Coach is putting in new batteries, whilst Cole is trying, fumbling, to get his out.::

 

::Stephen Joseph, w/ OAOAST TAG TEAM GOLD walks out slowly, holding aloft his Championship Belt, letting it shine in the many cameras' flashes of light. Twinkling down the ring, Stephen walks slowly, holding the gold up as if its a beacon in the light. Few fans stick their hands out for slaps, but the one or two that do aren't disappointed, as Stephen Joseph makes it a point to slap each outstretched arm. He still is hated though, but its a puzzling hatred.

 

Stephen Joseph puts the belt around his shoulder, climbing the ring steps to the turnbuckle, and hitting a pose ala the ROCK, looking out onto the crowd whilst slinging the title backwards. He hops into the ring, adjusting the title belt around his shoulder again. With his other hand, he holds one finger up as the lights come on, the boos growing louder, some trash being thrown into the ring. He is most not welcome in HeldDOWN territory. But, it doesn't deter Stephen from pulling a microphone out of his back pocket, a microphone that works.::

 

Stephen Joseph

This ::pauses:: is my Anthem. ::pauses, and the crowd rains boos down::.

 

I suppose I deserve that, from you all. I mean, the past few months, I guess I made people upset. Oh no, I've been making people upset MY WHOLE TIME HERE!

 

::Stephen Joseph pulls off his jacket, and he's wearing the trinity shirt of the Quit Squad, sans Zack Malibu's face, which has been removed. Such OaOasT Luminaries like BigMaLargeHuge, Angle-Plex, Mario-Logan, ZsasZ are featured, but the main focus shows CobainWasMurdered, Alfdogg, Caboose and Some Guy::

 

Oh yes, you know of thse people, The QUIT SQUAD as Tony so eloquently put it. No one though, no one's been told the full story, or why they turned me into a monster. Or at least, you fans seem to think of me as one. Thanks, thanks a lot.

 

::crowd responds with, what else? booing!::

 

Look, its real simple. Quitters run, cowards run. Men stay and fight. There's going to come a day where they will pay for their sins, but today, this month, seems like its my time to pay for mine.

 

So here's the eternal question. If you could see your end, if you could feel it coming, how would you face it? Would you rage against it, trying to undo what fate has decided? Would it scare you?

 

It scares me not. These low men have come before, they have made it their plan to rid me from the OaOasT. AngleSault, SomeGuy, they tried last Sunday. And yeah, I had some help, but c'mon...They screwed themselves. AngleSault had me retired, but Caboose couldn't settle for AngleSault getting the glory, it was his glory that he wanted.

 

So my newest destroyer, Caboose. What a history we have. Sixteen months, the greatest swerve in OaOasT history, and the first two men to stand up the a.W.o. But it was always about Caboose. He wanted that title shot, but I deserved it. I sweated it out in booking meetings, developing new talent. He slacked off, vacationed in England, and took his title run for granted...QUITTING when he was Champion? You think I would've wasted that opportunity? I've wanted nothing but one run, one run at the top, and its the one thng I've missed out on.

 

Caboose, you're the epitomy of everything wrong, the inherent selfish of the oaoast stars...

 

::Stephen slowly drops the microphone as Caboose, sans music, walks out from the heldDOWN stage, microphone in hand.

 

Caboose: Go on, say it, I'm the cancer? You're the fucking disease Popick. Mr. Goody good when things start not going your way. You're not realizing shit man, you're trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes in this latest power play of yours. You hang with Edward because he's the only one who'll put up with your ...

 

Stephen: LISTEN to me you sanctimonious SON OF A BITCH! I hang with Edward because he's the only one who's treated me LIKE A FUCKING PERSON in this business. He's the last of those who saw that I TRIED to help, rather than RUNNING. C'mon, when are you satisfied Caboose. When are you and your friends satisfied? Do you want to take me out like you all did Sandman, last year's BANKABLE star, or Tony, who busted his ass to provide direction. Is that what the Quit Squad wants, to get rid of those who've done the work, walk the walk, and stayed through it all. And what if you don't get rid of me this time Caboose. Gonna whine and quit again?

 

Caboose: Fucking crybaby. You, Sandman, Tony. It's not like you all did the work out of the kindness of your heart. YOU did it for power. Any blind man can see that. And as for me, I've got half a mind to come down there right now.

 

Stephen: Come down then!

 

Caboose: But, I'm not. Your time Stephen, your time's up. I'm coming to getcha ya. Angleslam, Screams of No Reply. You and me, for all that matters. Tick Tock Mr. Joseph...16 months of your terrible reign, 16 months of our hatred...

 

Stephen: 16 months of your jealousy.

 

Caboose: ::laughs:: Sure, whatever. See you soon Mr. Joseph, if you have eyes to see the darkness coming.

 

Stephen: I'll be sleeping with one eye open Caboose. Try your best. I make my stand here.

 

Caboose: So be it.

 

The two men stare each other down, never blinking, never flinching. No sign of fear, just pure, unadulterated HATRED~! The cameras close in on Joseph's face, then Caboose's, as we fade to black.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

"Right Thurr" by Chingy, this week's #1 on the Billboard Hot 100, kicks up, signaling the arrival of both members of Totally Endorsed, Calvin Szechstein and Colvid! The two step onto the stage, getting about halfway down the entrance ramp when suddenly the music cuts out, and a dignified male voice comes over the loudspeaker.

 

"We regret to inform you that Billboard has pulled sponsorship from Totally Endorsed. Thank you."

 

With no music to guide them down the ramp, Colvid and Calvin rush the ring, sliding in. Calvin, a look of fury on his face, grabs a microphone and lifts it to his lips to speak.

 

Calvin: "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, all of the troubles of Totally Endorsed seem to have come to a head. Our numbers are at two. Our sponsors - all gone. And most importantly, our new recruit, Zack Malibu - a traitor!"

 

The crowd boos Calvin's accusations of Zack, and Colvid grabs the mic, speaking himself.

 

Colvid: "Tonight, folks, the Totally Endorsed stable sets things right here in the OAOAST! We've been shooting low too long - we're one and oh against Zack Malibu, and tonight we shoot for the very top again!"

 

Colvid tosses the mic to Calvin, as the crowd quiets, wondering what TE is up to.

 

Calvin: "That's right. Tonight, my people, Calvin Szechstein takes a stand against all that is fake in the OAOAST! Zack Malibu, you call yourself a champion? You call yourself a man of honor? Zack, you're nothing but a coward, hiding behind your title, letting it define you, not you define it."

 

Colvid takes the mic, the crowd beginning to boo TE as Colvid begins speaking.

 

Colvid: "What Calvin is trying to say, Zack, is that you're more than willing to sit in the back, nursing non-existant injuries, hiding behind your title, claiming you're above us - well, Zack, we're sick of it. We're sick of you putting us down, backing out of agreements, we're sick of Zack Malibu saying that he's too good for Totally Endorsed! You said you belonged, Zack!"

 

Calvin grabs the mic.

 

Calvin: "And that is why, tonight, Calvin Szechstein challenges Zack Malibu to a match -- no, not just a match, a ladder match!"

 

The crowd roars at the announcement, and Calvin rides their momentum like a surfboard on a wave, continuing.

 

Calvin: "Hanging above that ring, Zack Malibu, will be a contract! And if I win... you have to sign it, signing yourself into Totally Endorsed!"

 

The crowd boos this, and Calvin's challenge brings out Malibu, to the tune of "Bring Me To Life" and carrying his own microphone. He wastes no time, beginning to speak.

 

Zack: "Really, Calvin? You've got me, next week, one-on-one, ladder match, and if you win, I'll take out my pen, and I will sign myself over to Totally Endorsed."

 

Calvin grins.

 

Calvin: "Good man, good man."

 

Zack: "I wasn' t through, Calvin. You see, if I win, I get to tear that contract up into little pieces, and we're going to have ourselves a bonfire of it in the middle of that ring!"

 

The crowd roars, a small "BON-FY-RE!" chant breaking out, as Calvin looks at the ground, conversing with Colvid.

 

Calvin: "You got it."

 

The crowd roars, and "Bring Me To Life" kicks up again, Zack leaving first and TE following, as Cole and Coach give us their sentiments.

 

Cole: "Wow! Next week, Zack Malibu versus Calvin Szechstein, for the rights to Zack Malibu!"

 

Coach: "That's downright off the heezay!"

 

Cole: "There's more to come on OAOAST heldDown! Stick around!"

[Guest Zack Malibu]

"SATAN!" echoes through the arena as Hex's arrival is announced and met with resounding jeers.

 

Hex appears, wearing a shirt which says "Hex Has A Cult Following". He saunters down to the ring, microphone in hand.

 

Coachman: Looks like Hex has something to say.

 

Cole: Well, this should be informative and coherent...

 

Coachman: Do I detect a note of sarcasm in your voice, Michael?

 

Hex climbs through the ropes, and throws the microphone high into the air. He does a few break dancing moves, ending in the famous Saturday Night Fever pose, and the mic falls back into his hand.

 

Hex: My name is Hex. I have defeated Caboose. I have defeated CWM. I have defeated Caboose and CWM at the same time single-handed. Do you acknowledge this?

 

The crowd boos mercilessly.

 

Cole: Oh come on! I'd hardly call what Hex did on Sunday beating Caboose and CWM "single-handed".

 

Coachman: CWM hit Caboose with the Polly Cutter on a chair! Not to mention Naz.

 

Cole: Good idea Coach... let's not mention Naz.

 

Hex: Mourn your heroes all you like... the fact remains that they are no match for I, Hex. Caboose; humiliated. I have beaten him, I have broken him, Caboose is nothing.

 

Cole: Like it or not, Hex has pinned Caboose, more than once, something not many can claim... but Hex can't claim that he has broken Caboose. Caboose took Hex to the limit, and Hex used every underhanded trick in the book in their matches.

 

Coachman: Caboose sent Hex to the emergency room at the GAB.

 

Hex: Caboose... beaten! And as for CWM. He presented a real challenge. It took all my skills to get the pin against him, and it could really have gone either way. CWM is a worthy opponent.

 

Cole: Finally Hex gives some credit where credit is due.

 

Hex: NOT! CWM is the lowest, punk ass...

 

Smells Like Teen Spirit hits and the crowd is on it's feet. CWM comes through the curtain.

 

CWM: Hex... shut the f(*beep*) up!

 

Hex: What the f(*beep*) do you want? This is my f(*beep*)ing mic time!

 

CWM: Just to set the record straight, you son of a (*beep*). Remember that so called "victory" over me, you're out here braying about? Who put me down so you could get that pin?

 

Cole: Caboose! Caboose put CWM down with the cricket bat!

 

CWM: And how about at LTP? Who laid Caboose out so your little team could win that match?

 

Cole: CWM did!

 

CWM: Caboose didn't seem to have his head on straight, so I did what had to be done. Looks like both times you claim to have beaten me, you have Caboose to thank. For someone who's "broken" Caboose, you sure rely on him a lot to rack up your wins.

 

Hex: Why you... (*beep*) you and your mother(*beep*)ing mama! (*beep*.................) right up your stupid (*beep*....) until the handle breaks off!

 

Cole: This is a family show!

 

CWM: Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite? Next week, that ring, you, me, no Caboose, none of your little tricks... we'll see who breaks who.

 

Hex: It's on. You just signed your death warrant, bitch.

 

CWM throws down his mic and heads toward the ring. Hex tosses his own mic aside and starts climbing through the ropes to meet him, but a swarm of officials bears down and holds them apart. CWM affixes a cold stare to Hex as hex is dragged away kicking and screaming.

 

Coachman: The fuse is lit! And the bomb goes off next HeldDown!

 

MC: I just hope we don't get hit with any of the remains.

 

Coach: You're a sick man, Michael. We're about to advertise food here, and you're talking about dismemberment.

 

MC: It was a figure of...

 

Coach: Eh eh, don't wanna hear it. Let's just go to break before you humliate us further.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

::Meanwhile backstage...

 

Caboose is storming around the arena looking for BPP, but instead Caboose runs into Dick Blair...

 

Caboose: Where is he?!

 

Dick Blair: Who?

 

Caboose: Are you being smart or something?

 

Dick Blair: No, but I think you mean Stephen Joseph...

 

Caboose: Exactly, where is he?!

 

Dick Blair: I haven't seen him.

 

Caboose: Well if you do, give him a message from me...

 

Dick Blair: Sure, what is it?

 

Caboose: This!...

 

Caboose kicks Blair in the gut and then brings the Cricket Bat down across the back of the head of Blair! Caboose picks Blair up by the collar and goes to throw Blair through a window when Crystal appears in the intended path of Blair's body!

 

Crystal: What the hell are you doing Caboose?!

 

Caboose: Sending him a message! Now move!

 

Crystal: What message will destroying Blair send to Joesph?!

 

Caboose: To hope I don't find him! NOW MOVE!

 

Crystal: No!

 

Caboose: Fine!

 

Caboose pushes Crystal out of the way, then throws Blair through the window!

 

Cole: OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS CABOOSE THINKING?!

 

Coach: He's lost it Michael! Someone's gotta stop him!

 

Caboose turns back to Crystal...

 

Caboose: Your on his side aren't you?!

 

Crystal: What are you talking about?

 

Caboose: He cannot escape me. I am his destiny.

 

Crystal: Caboose you need to calm down!

 

Caboose: No! You need to get out of my way!

 

Crystal: You've got to listen to reason...

 

Caboose grabs Crystal by her hair!

 

Cole: No not Crystal!

 

Coach: Dammit Caboose, she's a woman, she's not Joseph!

 

A sinister smile comes across Caboose's face, but it changes to a manic confused look...

 

Caboose throws Crystal face first into a wall, leaving Crystal out on the floor.

 

Caboose stands over Crystal, sneers and walks off...::

 

At the booth, Michael Cole is holding the Coach back.

 

MC:"Coach, breathe. Like you said, it could just be the alcohol talking..."

 

Coach:"ALCOHOL NOTHING! That bastard...just because he wears makeup too gives him no right to do that to MY...I mean, A GIRL!"

 

MC:"Like him or not, Coach, do you REALLY want to mess with him right now?"

 

Coach:"I could take him..."

 

MC:"You couldn't take him anywhere if you were his limo driver. Now ease up and let's call our main event here!"

 

 

 

“SABOTAGE!!”

 

The arena lights go out, leaving two spotlights, a purple and a white one to sweep through the crowd as the Beastie Boys tune pounds over the PA. The white light sweeps around and focuses on Axel, who stands in the aisle about 20 rows into the crowd. Be raises his arms and points to the entrance, where the purple spotlight focuses on Mad Matt standing at the top of the ramp with his hands on his hips. Matt raises his arm and points to the ring, signaling Axel to sprint down through the crowd and over the barrier as Matt runs down the ramp. They slide into the ring at the same time and hit the corners as the house lights come back up.

 

COACH:

Energetic little guys, aren’t they?

 

COLE:

Indeed. Of course, they should be since they are facing two of HeldDOWN’s top tag teams in this triangle elimination match.

 

Sabotage fades out and the arena lights slowly dim again, sending the arena into darkness. A goofy laugh, like one of a clown, fills the arena before turning into an evil, sinister cackle. As the lights come back up, Rando and Zero stand in the ring,

 

COLE:

Huh…what was that? *Sigh* Jonathan, get up from under the desk, please. And LET GO OF MY LEG!

 

COACH:

Brrr, I HATE clowns.

 

“California Love!”

 

The crowd gives a mighty pop as the Camino bounces its way onto the stage. Parka gives the crowd a few extra bounces before killing the engine and climbing out. Knight and Eddy follow and the trio walk down the aisle.

 

COACH:

All right!! My favorite tag team in the world!

 

COLE:

Coach, what EXACTLY was the name of that dance you were doing earlier? I think the NAACP called and ordered you to stop embarrassing black people everywhere.

 

COACH:

Hey, all you have to realize is that I can get jiggy with the best of em’. *He gets up and dances to the music*. Uh huh, that’s right.

 

COLE:

IN ANY EVENT…..Commissioner Moysey booked this match not only as a bit of a “warmup” for the Dram Machines, who will face the winner of this Tuesday’s Tag Team title match right here next week, but also as a sort of exhibition of the great tag team talent that the HeldDOWN brand has to offer. Surprisingly, Naz Ministry and Hex Machina, as we saw this past Sunday at License to Pin, have formed a fairly good pairing themselves, even though they.…well….let’s just say they aren’t too enamored with each other.

 

COACH:

No kidding. Hitler and Stalin got along better than those two do!

 

The music fades as all three teams talk strategy while the ref gives them instructions. Parka and Knight head to their corner and Axel and Rando remain in the ring to start while their partners step through the ropes.

 

COLE:

So it will be Rando and Axel kicking this one off.

 

The two men circle around, sizing each other up before Rando lunges for the leg and takes Axel down, firing off some right hands until Axel puts his foot on Rando’s chest and flips him onto his back, rolling backwards on top of him and delivering some shots of his own. Rando shoves him back and hits a Monkey Flip from his position on the mat! Axel gets back up and the two of them lock up in the center of the ring. Rando leaps up onto Axel's shoulders and spins around for a Hurricanrana, but Axel counters with a Powerbomb! Cover.

 

1…

 

2…

 

Kickout by Rando

 

Axel picks Rando up and whips him to the ropes. When he comes bouncing back Axel tosses him into the air for a Farewell, but Rando dropkicks him on the way down! The crowd cheers the amazing reversal.

 

COLE

What agility by Rando!

 

COACH

It was...

 

COLE

Don't say it was amazing...you can do better than that.

 

COACH

It was fantabulous!

 

Rando quickly tags in Zero and both men whip Axel to the ropes. As he comes off Rando and Zero hit a Double Team Spinebuster. Zero makes a cover.

 

1…

 

2….

 

...No!!

 

Zero picks Axel up and whips him to the ropes. When he comes back Zero picks him up for a Side Slam! Zero then drops a couple of Elbows onto Axel's chest and goes for another cover.

 

1…

 

2…

 

No!!

 

Zero tags Rando back in and Rando comes into the ring with a Springboard Cross Body, but Axel catches him and hits an Arn Anderson-like Spinebuster! Cover.

 

1...

 

2…

 

No!!

 

COLE

My God! He drilled him into the mat! How did he kick out of that?

 

COACH

Hey that rhymed!

 

Axel tags in Mad Matt and catches Rando with a Springboard Armdrag! Rando goes flying across the ring and into the Dream Machines corner, where Parka tags himself in. Parka runs at Mad Matt, but Matt ducks down for a Drop Toe Hold. Mad Matt locks in a Headlock while on the mat before Parka can get up. Parka struggles for the ropes as Matt wrenches back on the hold. Parka manages to slip an arm under Matt's leg and roll him back into a pin.

 

One...Matt quickly rolls into a sitting position.

 

Matt pulls Parka back into position and continues to pull back on the Headlock. Parka is finally able to get a foot on the rope and the ref calls for a break. As Mad Matt gets up he stomps Parka a couple of times. He then pulls Parka to his feet and whips him to the ropes. Matt follows him in and goes for a Dropkick, but Parka holds onto the ropes and Matt falls to the mat. Parka grabs Matt's feet and flips over for a Jacknife Pin.

 

1...

 

2...

 

No!!

 

COLE

Only a two count!

 

Parka picks him up and goes for a Vertical Suplex, but Mad Matt blocks him and goes for one of his own. Parka blocks that and ends up picking him up and draping him across the top rope hard, causing Matt to bounce off and land on his back in the ring.

 

COLE

Those steel cables that they use for ring ropes have to hurt when you land on them like that. That could have very well knocked the wind out of Matt.

 

COACH

It's like when kids used to punch me in the gut.

 

COLE

Umm that was last week.

 

Parka steps out to the ring apron and hits a Slingshot Senton Splash onto Matt. Cover.

 

1...

 

2...

 

No!!

 

Parka gets up and tags in PK. The two of them whip Matt to the rope and Parka picks Matt up into a Bearhug position. PK bounces off the ropes and goes for The Awakening, but Matt breaks free, flips back while hooking his legs under Parka's arms and pulls Parka forward sending him through the ropes to the outside! Matt stands up, but is blasted with a Forearm shot from PK that sends him down so that he's draped across the second rope. PK takes off to the ropes and hits a Bossman-like Rope Attack on Matt, sending him back to the mat. Cover.

 

1...

 

2...

 

No!!

 

PK then grabs Matt and begins the Rolling Vertical Suplexes, but one of them is too close to the ropes and Matt reaches out to tag in Axel as PK brings him down. PK hasn't noticed the tag yet and as he picks him up for the Falcon Arrow he's grabbed from behind in a waistlock from Axel. Axel then hits a German Suplex on PK. Cover.

 

1...

 

2...

 

Knight shoots his shoulder up at 2 3/4ths

 

PK gets up and ducks a Clothesline from Axel. PK comes bouncing off the ropes and goes for a Clothesline of his own, but Axel catches it and hits a Single Arm DDT. Cover.

 

1...

 

2...

 

No!!

 

COACH:

LOTS of near falls already in this one

 

Axel picks PK up and hits a T-Bone Suplex. Cover.

1...

 

2…

 

No!!

 

Axel then whips PK to the ropes and plants a knee in his gut, flipping him over. Without skipping a beat he pulls PK onto his shoulders for the Axel Slam, but PK grabs onto the nearest thing he can find to stop it, which happens to be Mad Matt. PK grabs Matt by the head and Matt yells at him to let go. Axel, not realizing that PK had a hold of Matt, tosses PK off his shoulders since he can't hit the move. PK collides with Matt sending him to the floor. As PK stumbles back Axel goes for a Vertical Suplex, but PK counters with a STO! PK crawls over to the nearest corner and extends his hand for a tag. Zero tags in and catches a standing Axel with a vicious Clothesline.

 

COLE

That was smart of PK! This match is an elimination match so tag whomever you can in if you're in trouble.

 

COACH

I don't even know if PK knew who he was tagging.

 

Zero picks Axel up onto his shoulders and runs to the corner for a Powerslam, but Axel drops behind him and shoves him into the corner. Zero stumbles out and right into a Overhead Belly to Belly from Axel. Cover. One...two...No! Broken up by Rando!

 

Axel picks Zero up and sets him up for a Sitout Powerbomb. Rando comes back into the ring and Superkicks Axel before he can lift Zero up. Suddenly PK is pulled off the apron by Mad Matt who is still upset that PK pulled him by the head and then knocked him off the apron. Parka sees this and drops down to join them. Mad Matt shoves PK, but Parka blasts him with a Clothesline in return.

 

Parka and Knight work over Matt on the outside, pounding him in the back. Rando sees this and motions to his partner who jogs over to the ropes and faces Rando. Rando charges at him, hopping onto Zero’s shoulders. Steadying himself, he waits for all three to stand and dives off, hitting a crossbody onto all three men and sending them toppling to the floor. The crowd applauds his effort.

 

COLE:

Oh, great teamwork there. Rando just wiped out one and a half of the teams in this match!

 

Zero points to his partner and turns his attention to Axel, who begins to stir in the corner. Zero waits for him to get to his feet and charges, but Axel grabs him, spins around and SPINEBUSTERS Zero hard to the mat!!

 

COACH:

Man, Arn Anderson is looking down and smiling at that.

 

COLE:

Uh, Coach…..

 

COACH:

Wait, Axel has the Axe Grinder on in the middle of the ring!!! Will the big man tap!

 

Rando gets up from the pile and sees his partner’s predicament. He moves to head into the ring, but Matt sweeps his legs out form under him and grabs a camel clutch, forcing Rando to watch the ring. Axel keeps the pressure on and Zero makes one last attempt to get to the ropes, but the pressure is too much and Zero taps out.

 

Eliminated: Toy Machine (via Axe Grinder at 12:36)

 

COLE:

That’s it!! Zero taps and Toy Machine are gone from this match!! What a feat it would be if they manage to beat the possible future Tag Team champs as well!

 

Knight enters the ring and Axel tries a haymaker, but Knight ducks it and picks him up for the Knightmare!!

 

COLE:

Uh oh, this one could be over right now!

 

COACH:

Marc Mero will be smiling down on him if that happens.

 

COLE:

Who is feeding you those lines……uh…….er……..HEY, LOOK AT AXEL!!!

 

Axel wriggles on Knight’s shoulders and manages to escape into a crucifix position. He tries to take him over, but Knight stays on his feet. Matt, seeing this, charges and nails Knight in the face with a spinning heel kick to take Knight over.

 

1…..

 

 

 

 

2…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3!

 

NO! Knight kicks out!!!

 

Both Knight and Axel are down and the ref starts the count.

 

1….

 

2….

 

3….

 

4….

 

Both men stir and head to their corners.

 

5….

 

6….

 

7….

 

Knight tags Parka

 

8….

 

Axel lunges and makes the tag to Matt! Parka and Matt meet in the center of the ring and trade punches. Parka sends him into the ropes, but Matt ducks a clothesline, bounces off the ropes, and nails Parka with a forearm to the face. Matt KIPS UP~! And picks up Parka, sending him into the corner. Matt charges, but Parka moves out of the way. Parka turns around, only to find Matt perched on the top rope. He leaps and scores with an enziguiri off the top!!

 

COLE:

QUICK RESPONSE!!!! This one’s over!!!!

 

Matt grabs a cover.

 

1…..

 

 

 

2…..

 

 

 

 

 

3!~!~!~!

 

 

 

 

 

NO~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Knight stomps Matt to break. Axel comes in, but Knight sends him out and follows to take care of him. Matt goes to the top once more and waits for Parka to get to his feet.

 

COACH:

What’s he going for now?

 

Parka stumbles to his feet and turns towards Matt, who jumps off with a DRAGONRANA attempt, but PARKA HANGS ON AND SETS HIM UP FOR THE DAY OF THE DEAD!!!!!!!

 

COLE:

Matt went to the well one too many times and it’s about to cost him.

 

Parka steadies him and puts him in the crucifix position, but as he brings him down for the powerbomb, Matt grabs Parka’s head with his feet and completes the Dragonrana!!!!!

 

COLE:

WAITAMINIT~!!!

 

The ref is over and into position.

 

1…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

2…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Knight sees what is happening and slides in to break the pin…….

 

 

3!!!!!!

 

….but he’s too late.

 

Eliminated: The Dream Machines 19:54 (Matt pins Parka)

 

COLE:

He pinned him!!! What an upset!!!!

 

COACH:

Matt and Axel’s stock has really risen with this victory.

 

COLE:

If the Dream Machines win the titles next week, they have a great case for the first title shot.

 

Knight slaps the ropes as Matt and Axel retreat to the outside and get their hands raised and the fans give them a standing ovation. Knight looks out to them and nods his head, as if saying “Ok, you got the best of us tonight.” Parka sits on the mat, holding his head, also staring at the victors, and the screen goes black.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

::Back from commercial, HeldDown's General Manager Tim Moysey stands in the ring with a mic...

 

MC:"Fans, we were set to give you the rundown for next week, but Tim Moysey has come out here, and quite frankly, if we attempt to stop him, we're fired! Let's take it to Tim and see what's on his mind!"

 

Tim: It seems we've got a small problem backstage. Well when I say 'small', I mean 'big', and his name is Caboose.

 

(Crowd pops, with a few notable boos)

 

Tim: Caboose I want you to come down to this ring and explain your actions. RIGHT NOW.

 

Cole: Looks like the boss means business...

 

Coach: You know what they say about crossing the boss...

 

Cole: You don't do it.

 

Coach: Exactly.

 

Tim: I can wait all night for you Caboose. Get your ass out here NOW.

 

The lights go out and the crowd gets to it's feet...

 

'Cochise' by Audioslave starts up and Caboose lowers from the rafters directly into the ring to a considerable pop, but again there are some negative reactions.

 

Cole: Caboose must mean business, he lowered straight into the ring...

 

Coach: And when Caboose means business, watch out!

 

Caboose climbs into the ring and walks traight into the face of Tim Moysey.

 

Tim: Calm down there Caboose. Now before you think about laying a finger on me, I've got thirty of the city's finest policeman waiting backstage, ready to haul your ass to jail!

 

(The Crowd boos with a few noticeable cheers)

 

Tim: So unless you want to spend the night locked up, I suggest you listen to me and answer my questions. Your already lucky that Crystal and Dick Blair didn't press charges. And do you know how much its going to cost the company to keep that Security Guard sweet?

 

Caboose pulls the microphone towards him...

 

Caboose: I don't care.

 

Tim pulls the mic back.

 

Tim: See thats the problem. You do care. But only about Stephen Joseph. I can see it eating you alive as I speak. I know exactly what Joseph's done to you. I'd be mad too...

 

Caboose: Mad doesn't even come close.

 

Tim: I agree, BUT, you cannot just go around taking out your hatred for Joseph on anyone you please.

 

Caboose: It's funny, because I think I did.

 

Tim: And thats what I'm here to talk to you about. This is your official warning. If you lay one more finger on a HeldDown Superstar outside of a sanctioned match, you WILL BE SUSPENDED.

 

(The crowd completely boos that announcement)

 

Tim: I don't want to do it. But I will do if I have to. Do I make myself clear?

 

Caboose: If you don't want me here on HeldDown...

 

Tim: I want you on HeldDown, it's just...

 

Caboose: ...Trade me to IntenseZone.

 

(Crowd Boos)

 

Tim: What?!

 

Caboose: Let me go after Joseph on his show. Then you won't have to worry about me anymore.

 

Tim: I'm not just going to let one of HeldDown's biggest stars go over to IntenseZone without good reason!...

 

Caboose: How is this for a reason. If you do not let me go to IntenseZone. I will put one HeldDown SuperStar next to Dick Blair in hospital every week until i get Joseph.

 

Tim: Are you threatening me? Let's not forget who runs this show...

 

Caboose: Have it your way...

 

Tim: What do you mean by that.

 

Caboose: You'll just have to suspend me.

 

Tim: For what?!...

 

Caboose: This.

 

Caboose kicks Tim in the gut and throws him over his shoulder!...

 

(The crowd half cheers, half boos)

 

Cole: No! Don't do it Caboose!

 

Coach: Caboose is just out of control!

 

Caboose points at the camera and mouths 'I'm coming for you' before dropping Tim with the Emerald Fusion!

 

(The crowd pops in shock)

 

Cole: No dammit! Caboose just took out the General Manager!

 

Coach: And got himself suspeneded as well!

 

A horde of Policeman come running the ramp towards the ring and surround it. Caboose stands over Tim and places the tip of his Cricket Bat under Tim's chin. Caboose picks up the mic...

 

Caboose: Make it happen else this isn't the last time you'll be staring up at me with a glazed look.

 

Caboose jabs Tim in the stomach with the Cricket Bat. The policeman slide into the ring, but Caboose rappels back into the rafters!

 

(The crowd cheer for Caboose's dramatic exit)

 

Cole: There is going to be hell to pay!

 

Coach: But who is going to pay it?! Caboose or Stephen Joseph?!

 

::Fade Out::

[Guest Zack Malibu]

PROPS:

 

Calvin

Dreams

PK

Zack

Popick

Hex

CWM

Ted

Caboose

Parka