SK's Smackdown Review

[Guest Memphis]

For some reason my computer won't allow me to view 411Retard.com so I cannot access SK's recent SD! Rant.

 

Could someone stick it in here please?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

TAFKA M

[Guest bravesfan]

The SmarKdown Rant - July 31 2003

 

Jamie Noble: The last true gentleman.

 

- Taped from Colorado Springs, CO.

 

- Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

 

- Opening interview: New champ Kurt Angle celebrates his win (but really, was there any doubt?) and says nothing of note before Happy Fun Brock interrupts. Goshdarnit, he wants a rematch. If that’s okay with Angle. Angle plays cocktease and then grants him the match. But now Vince joins us (apparently feeling underexposed as of late) and points out what a glad-handing wuss Angle has become. So no rematch for Brock, just because he can. And further, Angle & Brock team up against a team of Vince’s choice. Wow, 15 minutes to set up a tag match, thrilling.

 

- Rey Mysterio v. Shelton Benjamin. Hey, the feud continues. Rock on. Shelton goes behind to start, but Rey takes him down and dodges him. Quick setup into the 619, but Benjamin ducks and knees Rey down, and into the steel post. He works on the arm, and Haas helps. Back in, Benjamin works the arm with a shoulderbreaker for two. He hammerlocks him, but Rey counters him into the post with a snapmare, and comes back with an enzuigiri. It was a cool one, Matrix-style, as Rey walked up Benjamin to hit it. He counters a faceplant with a buttdrop and gets two. Benjamin hits boot on a charge, but comes back with a single-arm DDT for two. Back to the arm goes Shelton via a submission hold, but Rey makes the ropes. Rey flips out of a suplex attempt, but Haas trips him up, which draws Kidman over. Rey sets up Shelton for the 619 and gets it this time, and the West Coast Pop is blocked. Rey counters that with a victory roll for the pin at 4:29. Funny how putting Kidman in the audience with hot chicks didn’t get him over, but putting him with an over guy and booking him to not look like a moron DOES get him over. Funny how that works, huh? Good TV match. **1/2

 

- Elsewhere, Noble prepares for his big date, going for class by answering the door in his underwear and cowboy hat. Torrie stretches her acting range while Noble introduces his toy chest, but the Lone Ranger game makes her sick.

 

- Chris Benoit v. Doink the Clown. Rhyno cuts a promo beforehand, blaming Benoit for treating him like a joke. So Benoit gets Doink instead of Rhyno. It’s pretty telling that Cornette spent years building Nick Dinsmore up in OVW as “Mr. Wrestling” and when he gets called up, it’s to play DOINK THE FUCKING CLOWN. Benoit immediately attacks him with a clothesline and a backdrop suplex that’s pretty vicious. Pissed off Canadians = RATINGS. He chops Doink into a seizure in the corner, then crotches him on the top and brings him down with a backdrop superplex. Benoit seems perturbed. Flying headbutt and crossface finish at 1:21. This was beyond squash and into murder. You know, that’s the first time I’ve ever seen them let Benoit cut loose and squash someone.

 

- Elsewhere, Noble’s “man business” is interrupted by Nidia, who is apparently threatened by Torrie and decides to win Noble back with some lovin’.

 

- Elsewhere, Brock & Angle continue flirting.

 

- US title match: Eddie Guerrero v. Tajiri. Eddie has car problems, and it turns out to be a Japanese guy caught in the hydraulics. I wonder if AAA covers that one? Sadly, Tajiri sprays Eddie in the eyes and he’s blinded and thus cannot wrestle. It’s a tragedy. However, the officials think he might be lying about his condition (who is he, Shawn Michaels?) and order him to wrestle. If only they were around in 1997. Quick commercial rant: Up here we get commercials for a WWE-sponsored horse racing deal in Ontario, which leads me to talk about radio here in Edmonton. Northlands Park, who used to own the Coliseum but now just have the horse-racing thing, have recently started saturating the airwaves with “hip” and “witty” commercials for the tracks, making it out to be the “cool thing” to do now and some kind of exciting family activity. Now really, how stupid do you have to be to buy horse-racing as a wholesome alternative to the bar scene? Never mind that you’re encouraging a province that’s already plagued with gambling problems to spend MORE money on betting. I guess you can go and watch for the thrill of seeing the horses run in a circle, but then you might as well stay home and watch NASCAR or something. Anyway, we return from the break with Tajiri attacking and stomping away for two. He rubs the forearm in Eddie’s face, and Eddie backs off into the corner and pokes him in the eyes. The classics always work. Eddie slugs him down and pounds away in the corner, but Tajiri hangs him in the Tree of Woe and chokes him out. Baseball slide there, and Tajiri kicks him down and drops an elbow for two. Tajiri gets sent into the corner, however, and Eddie tosses him. Tajiri waits him out, but Eddie sneaks up and sends him into the post and stomps away on the floor. Tajiri regroups again and then starts kicking the knee, but Eddie fires away and gets a back elbow to set up the slingshot senton, for two. Backdrop driver gets two. Eddie hits the chinlock and then goes up, but Tajiri was faking, and he kicks him down to set up a superplex. Eddie is up first and they slug it out, and Tajiri monkey-flips him out of the ring. He takes over on Eddie, sending him into the stairs, and then baseball sliding him while he recovers. High kick puts Eddie onto the table, and Tajiri sends him back in for two. Eddie fights back with another suplex, but Tajiri reverses it to a headscissors and a handspring elbow. Tornado DDT and both guys are out. Tajiri rolls over for two. They slug it out from their knees and Tajiri pops up with a seated dropkick for two. Eddie ducks out of a slam attempt and gets the rolling verticals, but Tajiri counters the third and hooks the Tarantula. The Big Kick misses and Eddie goes low behind the ref’s back, and Tajiri mists the ref by accident. Eddie grabs the title, bops Tajiri with it, and then uses a water bottle to clean the ref’s eyes off. Apparently the referee can now see. I didn’t think that was medically possible. Frog splash finishes at 12:17. Little less creative than Eddie’s usual cheating, but this was a rock-solid match. ***

 

- They replay the Zach Gowen crap from Confidential. Okay, we should pity him, I get it.

 

- Zach Gowen v. Shannon Moore. Matt Facts: His favorite season is summer, and Matt is twice the wrestler Zach is. Shannon wins a lockup to start and mocks Zach, but gets armdragged and dropkicked. Shannon bails and heads back in, but Zach tries a tornado DDT. Moore counters with a suplex into the turnbuckles, and flips him out of the corner for two. Matt trips Zach up, allowing Shannon to get a neckbreaker for two. Moore brings him into the corner, but Zach comes back with a leg lariat and goes up. Missile dropkick gets two. Moonsault press gets two. Neckbreaker and he gets rid of Matt, but Shannon rolls him up for the Russo Pin at 3:40. ** Matt destroys him afterwards for daring to mess with Mattitude. They’re walking a fine line with Gowen right now, because if they continue to push him as a big deal despite his obvious lack of size, they’re asking for major backlash (some of which already began). But if they keep him in the midcard and treat him as just another worker (like here), they get some decent matches, but Gowen’s whole appeal disappears and he sinks into the midcard mire, taking any chance to make money and get mainstream attention from the freakshow with it.

 

- Orlando Jordan v. John Cena. Cena accuses Undertaker of impropriety with Jordan backstage. I think he’s got him confused with Bradshaw. Jordan attacks to start, but Cena suplexes him onto the top rope, and goes after the ribs. He kicks away, and then blocks a rollup by grabbing the ropes. Back to the ribs, for two. Jordan slugs back, but gets kicked in the ribs again and the F-U kills him dead at 2:27. Cena needed a squash. ½* Don’t worry, Jordan’s not really hurt – it’s just a rib.

 

- Elsewhere, the hotel room drama continues as Nidia & Noble emerge from the shower all ready for another round. Apparently, while they were in the shower, they discussed a ménage-a-trois with Torrie. Billy Gunn now interrupts, but Torrie has been drinking the whole time and she and Billy are into it.

 

- Your Summerslam theme is Metallica’s St. Anger. I gotta say, my initial hatred of that album was wrong, because I now listen to it constantly and in fact it pretty much ended up as the official soundtrack for the new book. The drums still bug me, but once you get past the “It’s not 90s Metallica” hump, it’s very diggable.

 

- Elsewhere, Vince & Lesnar set up a match for next week.

 

- Elsewhere, everyone ends up in bed together at the hotel room. I guess that’s a face turn for Noble, and certainly a unique one at that.

 

- Sable joins us to declare herself the “dominant female” of the show. It’s a show watched by horny 14-year old boys, females shouldn’t be dominant. She introduces A-Train as the first half of the mystery team. The other: Big Show. Wow, my dream team reunited.

 

- Brock Lesnar & Kurt Angle v. Big Show & A-Train. Train overpowers Angle to start and gets a corner clothesline, but misses a charge and gets anklelocked. Brock comes in for a bit of double-teaming on Train, and works him over in the corner, but Train slugs him down. Brock powerslams him for two. Angle comes in, but gets whipped into a boot and Train gets two. Show comes in and they slug it out, and Show stomps him down and gets a legdrop for two. Brock sneaks in and tries to pull Angle back to his corner, but Show cuts off a tag and brings Angle into heel territory again. Angle slugs back, but gets sideslammed. In a bizarre moment, Cole compares the weight of Shaq to Big Show, as though the WWE’s surreal worked weights mean anything in the real world. Train comes in with a splash for two. Angle escapes a powerbomb and gets a backdrop suplex, hot tag Brock. He suplexes Train all over the ring and sets up for the F5, but Show breaks it up. Show tags in, but gets F5’d, and Angle does that Heyman booking thing where he tags himself in and gets the pin for himself at 6:49. Makes you wonder. Match was nothing terribly interesting, just a standard tag match in slow motion. *1/2 Brock turns on him afterwards with an F5, and Vince comes out to announce that it’s a cage match next week, and Angle is the guest referee. Yeehaw. Well, at least they put the title on Angle before Vince could book himself as the challenger in another title match.

 

The Bottom Line:

 

A really entertaining show tonight up until it died with the Zach Gowen stuff, but even the match that followed was pretty good. Not as good as NWA-TNA from last night (and how often do you hear THAT phrase used?) but on par with the recent resurgence of the show as of late.

[Guest nl5xsk1]

How the fuck does a guy that writes about pro wrestling start mocking either horse-racing or NASCAR? Now, I'm not the hugest fan of either, but consider both about on par with pro wrestling in terms of coolness, exciting family activities, or wholesome alternatives to the bar scene.

 

Considering that watching wrestling hasn't been fun for me in a long time, I'll take a night at the track watching the ponies any day of the week.

[Guest Memphis]

Thanks, bravesfan. Owe you one.