gigli

[Guest JangoFett4Hire]

J-Lo plays a lesbian. Yeah, I've always wanted to see a movie when AFFLACK falls in love with a gay woman.

[Guest Flyboy]

I'd rather stick my penis in acid than to pay to see Gigli.

 

And, if she's a lesbian... what's the point? Does Afflect get his girl at the end?

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

Gigli... my god I hope it bombs. The Jennifer Lopez backlash is already beginning. We just need a HUGE bomb to begin the downward spiral.

[Guest El Satanico]

Gigli actually does look like a decent perhaps even good movie.

 

The only reason people piss on it is because it happens to star the current "hollywood power couple".

[Guest Flyboy]

The only reason people piss on it is because it happens to star the current "hollywood power couple".

I'm pissing on it because it looks like a crapfest.

[Guest El Satanico]

No it's just because you're biased to it because of who it stars.

 

Deny if you want, but we both know

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

Gigli actually does look like a decent perhaps even good movie.

 

The only reason people piss on it is because it happens to star the current "hollywood power couple".

What I've heard from test screenings, the movie got the worst scores in YEARS.

[Guest Flyboy]

I have no beef with Lopez or Afflect. Hell, I liked Selena, but this has all the makes of a shitty film.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

Oh Satanico, weren't you the guy who was saying T3 looked like shite? You're movie instincts turned out to be a little off there, I think they are again here.

[Guest Choken One]

Gigli looks like shit but Jersey Girl...Poor Kevin Smith...Thanks to The power couple his first Mainstream movie will get shat on.

[Guest Flyboy]

Oh Satanico, weren't you the guy who was saying T3 looked like shite? You're movie instincts turned out to be a little off there, I think they are again here.

*cough, cough*

[Guest JangoFett4Hire]

All this movie needs is Jason Lee, and we've got critical acclaim written all over that mofo...

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

Here's a review from a seemingly intellegent guy who saw a test screening, but I'm SURE he was just jealous, right Santanico?

 

 

Hey Harry,  

 

Pyul Mactackle again with another mess of a movie that I haven't seen much coverage of on the site, Gigli, so I thought I might drop you my thoughts.  

 

This movie has simply made my head spin and given me a headache of confusion that just absolutely refuses to go away. And I feel bad, really bad, for the marketing department that was saddled with this mess and will most likely suffer a few losses when this thing tanks itself offshore without having ever made it to port.  

 

You see Gigli is this years great 'What if' comedy. It essentially ponders 'What if a studio put out a film that, rather than targeting almost everyone in the audience by including something that would lure both men AND women to see it, instead targeted absolutely no one by including things that insure that NOBODY will like it?' As a film, Gigli isn't marketed to anyone. ANYONE. Okay, so maybe it could have been marketed to me and a handful of people like me that would have walked out thinking it was kind of cute. Instead, they went for the big dollars, which is going to bring some very negative vibes everytime the Revolution Studios logo rears it's ugly head before a film. At least until they pop out a winner.  

 

Right now, right this minute, watch the trailer. Right here click  Come on, you've already invested this much time in this review, you can invest 2 more minutes. Trust me.  

 

Okay, did you watch it? Good. That's the only time you're gonna see that movie. You could pay to see Gigli and STILL you wouldn't see what that trailer promised you. Oh, sure, you'll see some of those scenes. But you won't see that movie. In fact, the first few scenes in that trailer (The talk with the Mom, Affleck "Mobster Strolling" in a jumpsuit to a car like he was Giovanni Ribisi in "The Gift") aren't even in the movie. These are scenes obviously cut during the extensive work done on this film to try and make it releasable. And well, I hate to say it, but all that work, every last bit of it, is wasted. This film simply must have been a conceptual nightmare from inception.  

 

After all, it's a Romantic Comedy for men.  

 

You read that right. It's a romantic comedy for men. Only it's constructed in the same fashion as you would a feminine romantic comedy with all the blood and gore of a halfway decent mobster film. Yeah, you read that right as well.  

 

And what's really frustrating is that the movie isn't BAD. In fact, there are several things to really like about this movie. Ben Affleck actually gives a great performance as a MOOK. He plays a mook perfectly. His accent works and there's not a single moment that you don't believe that he's an unintelligent, greasy, loser hitman. The film opens with him on a job and you don't doubt for a second that he's ready to kill this guy. It's a good solid opening and a true Martin Brest scene mixing both hardened criminal behavior with the appropriate amount of whimsy. Jennifer Lopez actually comes across as sexy, something I don't normally find her, and remains alluring through the entire film.  

 

Then there's Justin Bartha in his first film. Now I know absolutely nothing about this kid and he has a shorter IMDB profile than most extra's, so I don't know whether or not he's actually retarded or to what capacity he is actually a functioning human being. What I do know is that despite hitting all the cliches of the heavily retarded individual (which arguably while feeling done to death, lets face it, there really are people like the characters people always compare the mentally handicapped performances to, namely Dustin Hoffman and Sean Penn) he is convincing every step of the way. This kid does a really good job, which is very depressing in a way because this film is about get shit on by an unbelievable amount of people.  

 

But what really shines in this film are the single scene performances by Christopher Walken (playing Columbo by way of Walken) and Al Pacino (as a pony tailed gangster that would normally be played by Ron Silver...by way of Pacino). No, neither of these guys are doing anything new here, but new isn't what you want from Walken and Pacino walk-ons. You want Walken and Pacino. And here you get PERFECT Walken and Pacino. No matter how much you despise this movie, it is impossible to be a film geek and not smile through these scenes. The scene with Pacino in particular is completely PERFECT. It is the centerpiece of this film, and had this been a mobster movie at heart, it would be a scene that people would bring up in conversations for quite some time.  

 

And herein lies the biggest problem with the film. It's not really a mobster movie either. And this scene, this perfect scene, DOESN'T BELONG IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE! Not because it's too good for it or anything like that. But becuase this movie wants to sit on the fence and be the perfect movie that both men and women can like and instead fails miserably on both counts. But to go any further requires spoilers out the ass, so consider yourself warned.  

 

Spoilers  

 

Okay, here's the first big lie of the trailer. Jennifer Lopez's character, who is presented in the trailer as unavailable, actually is unavailable. No, she's not a mobster's girlfriend or anything like that. That would actually be a movie worth seeing. No, Jennifer Lopez's charecter is a lesbian. Stone cold gay. But don't worry, as we all know (and the trailer shows us) Ben Affleck's been down that road before and has the cure for that particular problem. Now the idea of of a lesbian character isn't a problem and actually would have worked if the attraction was a one way thing. But it's not. Affleck gets the girl. And from athematic standpoint there's no reason for him to. Why would a women, who is obsessed with the feminine and is very butch herself (despite being a lipstick lesbian) fall for someone who happens to be a posturing ball of machismo and hair grease. Man, this film is gonna piss off a shitload of lesbians. Several people got up and left, seriously, they stood up and left, the moment, the very moment, that this fact was revealed. I knew this surprise going in, so when it happened I watched for audience reaction and was astounded at the number of walk outs. I thought: Oh, they'll come back. They didn't.  

 

But that's just the beginning of Gigli's problems. Problem number two is the R rating, which is a three-fold problem.  

 

Rated R Issue One: Teenage girls can't get in to see it, cutting out a huge portion of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez's audience. Not to mention the repeat business audience that romantic comedies usually get.  

 

Rated R Issue Two: It's an rated R film that possesses not a spot of nudity. Yeah, Revolution, good luck with that. Now I know how actresses can be about that sometimes, but had this had even just a wee bit of Lopez nudity, well, the odds would have been pretty good that guys would have paid to see it and enjoyed it for the nudity and mob aspects of the film. It's a sad statement to make, but it's a true one. Sensual fully clothed love scenes do not sell to men. So men and teenaged girls are out...that leaves women. Which brings us to:  

 

Rated R Issue Three: The amount of gore in this film. While certainly not enough gore to bother action fans or turn on gore hounds enough to watch this more than once, it has more gore than the average middle American female audience can handle. three scenes in particular simply kill this film for average female audiences. First of all, one of Lopez's psycho stalker ex-girlfriends shows up, freaks out that she's staying with a man and slices open her wrists for all to see. Not too bloody, but enough to freak out the sqeemish. Then, if that weren't enough, we get a scene in which Affleck tries to saw a thumb off a corpse with a plastic knife. He succeeds and it's not all together too gory, but the incessant sawing of plastic on bone is gonna drive some audience members right out of the theater. And then there's the coup de grace. That perfect Pacino scene I mentioned earlier. This scene gives gore fans something to really enjoy. Al pacino blows somebody's head off with a wonderful spray of blood and brains that blows back onto (and into) and aquarium. Then we get a closeup of the aquarium as the fish rush up and devour the little bits of brain that are sinking into the tank. Yeah, that's gonna play to middle america. Personally, I thought it was a nice touch, and is really the best bit of originality in the movie. Unfortunately, it only serves to further alienate itself from it's chief audience: women.  

 

And to top it all off, despite all the dark aspects of the film, Affleck and Lopez drive off into the sunset together. I shit you not. It all ends 'perfectly', which is absolutely how a movie like this SHOULDN'T end.  

 

END SPOILERS  

 

All in all, Gigli has too much edge for the romantic sodomy it's marketing itself as and way too much romantic sodomy for the edge the film is trying to achieve. This sent me out of theatre with with a "what the fuck were they thinking vibe" only recently achieved by Pluto Nash when I wondered "Who in the hell would greenlight a $90 million anything that had Randy Quaid as a goofball robot sidekick?" This movie is a failure of Epic proportions, if only so because there is so much that is wasted here. All that great Martin Brest edginess would have made for a much better Martin Brest mobster comedy. And all that romantic comdey material...well its all been done before, and much better, in Chasing Amy. Luckily, this movie is going to die a bitter death this weekend, as it goes up against another Rated R comedy, American Wedding, which is going to syphon off a large chunk of the crowd that would have paid to see this. Part of me thinks, and really, wants to believe the marketing department at Sony did this on purpose, if only to have a REALLY GOOD excuse why the movie bombed opening weekend. "What could we do? It went up against an American Pie movie."  

 

Can you say Pink Slip?  

 

Pyul Mactackle

[Guest Eagan469]

I heard from many sources that it really, REALLY sucks

[Guest JangoFett4Hire]

How do you pronounce the tit-le?

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

Here's another review which is closer to describing the awe-inspiring suck that this movie entails.

 

Just saw Gigli with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.  Never have I seen such a disasterous film as this.  Martin Brest has finally lost it.  I loved Beverly Hills Cop like everyone else.  I don't know how much of War Games was his, but I liked that.  And I think that Midnight Run is a perfect film.  But this movie is all over the place.  Matrin Brest doesn't seem to know how to use an editor anymore.  Everyone in the theater was writhing for the last hour of the film. 

 

Affleck is Gigli, the hitman with the last name that no one can pronounce.  his boss gives him a job to pick up this retarded kid from a hospital, b/c his brother is the prosecuting attorney that is trying to put mafioso Al Pacino behind bars. 

 

This is stupid part number one. 

 

Affleck is able to just walk in and walk out of the hospital with this kid.  Not only is this whole part stupid, but from this point on the movie is Rain Man with a hitman, or at least it tries to be.  Rain Man however was moving, and this film is just retarded. 

 

On with the story. 

 

J Lo shows up at his apartment where they are keeping the retarded kid.  She turns out to be another hit man, ordered to work the same job and keep an eye on Gigli.  Why any mob boss would ever think that a good idea is to put the very necessary hostage at the hands of two trigger happy, ego stroking hit men (women), and have them stay at the same house is beyond me.  But logic escapes this entire movie.  From this plot point, to the taking the patient out of the hospital, there's more.  So Affleck wants to bang Lopez, but she's a lesbian.  This goes on and on and on, and I swear to God they put footage from Chasing Amy in here, b/c all it is is Affleck and Lopez arguing about gay vs, straight, straight sex vs. gay sex, women vs. men, masculine vs. feminine, on and on and on.  It is so boring.  They even do one of the scenes with Lopez stretching in sexual positions, where you still end up thinking 'END THIS SCENE NOW!!' 

 

Finally, Gigli's boss wants them to cut off a thumb, but they've grown to like Raymond (I know his name is Brian, but he is Raymond w/o Hoffman)  Raymond raps old early 90's rap songs, and dances in public, and curses with his terrets syndrome.  you know, he's cure and funny.  And in love with the show Baywatch, and don't even get me started on that.  Without giving away too much, Gigli cant bring himself to cut off the thumb, and this leads to a falling out with the mob, but falling in love with J. Lo.  You see, her ex lover shows up, and slices her wrists.  Because its a comedy, and that's what people do in comedies.  Suicide.  I know, fucking hilarious.  AFter that, she takes her lover to the hospital, and then goes home and starts fucking Ben Affleck.  Because we all know that lesbians aren't REALLY lesbians.  Not with Ben Affleck in the room.  Not J. Lo.  No.  So, the mob closes in, good guys become bad guys, and Affleck and Lopez have to make lifelong decisions.  I say this because I don't want to totally ruin the film for those of you who are going to see it. 

 

I can say that this is the worst film that I have seen in about three years.  It never knows what it wants to be.  Lopez disappears in one of the worst (if not the worst) farewell speeches ever put on celluloid. It has moments of comedy, then romance, then depressing suicde film, followed by a funny scene with Raymond singing Baby's Got Back.  Nothing fits. 

 

Save your money and go see something else. 

 

Avoid this like the plague. 

 

The only single redeeming value this film has is J. Lo's nipples piercing through her shirt in the scene in the hospital.  Even the sex scene has her covered in  a robe THE ENTIRE TIME!!!!  Annoying. 

 

And as a first time writer, you can call me Ford Fairlane. 

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

How do you pronounce the tit-le?

Gee-Lee

[Guest Eagan469]

How do you pronounce the tit-le?

Gee-Lee

yeah, when I first saw it I thought it was pronounced "giggly"

[Guest El Satanico]

And I stand by that...fuck T3

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

And I stand by that...fuck T3

Why? Because it was better then The Matrix Reloaded, X2, The Hulk, LXG, and BB2?

[Guest Flyboy]

And I stand by that...fuck T3

Why? Because it was better then The Matrix Reloaded, X2, The Hulk, LXG, and BB2?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

 

X2 > T3 > BB2.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

And I stand by that...fuck T3

Why? Because it was better then The Matrix Reloaded, X2, The Hulk, LXG, and BB2?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

 

X2 > T3 > BB2.

Eh, X2 and T3 are so close that they alternate depending on my mood.

 

 

They're both great summer films.

[Guest notJames]

In case you wanted to waste money on this abomination, Rotten Tomatoes has it currently listed at 2%. It was at 0% for a while, but apparently someone who wanted his quote on the DVD case queered the deal.

 

Here are some choice slams:

 

"A recent episode of South Park suggested that a fourth-grader's hand puppet could turn in a better performance than Ms. Lopez, and in the case of Gigli, it's hard to argue."

-- Luke Y. Thompson, NEW TIMES

 

"The vow Jen and Ben should exchange is to promise to never step foot in front of a movie camera together again as long as they both shall live."

-- Rebecca Murray, ABOUT.COM

 

"A film that begins badly and gets worse and worse, like someone who has been knocked unconscious in an accident and then bleeds to death because he gets no attention."

-- Terry Lawson, DETROIT FREE PRESS

 

"I had a brief thought that the mundane inanity might be some Samuel Beckett-style commentary on the existential void. Then I realized that watching the movie put me closer to the existential void than they ever were."

-- Nell Minow, MOVIE MOM

 

"This is a movie that manages to keep finding new ways of being stupid."

-- Eric D. Snider, ERICDSNIDER.COM

 

"Hopelessly misconceived exercise in celebrity self-worship."

-- A.O. Scott, NEW YORK TIMES

 

"Gigli is so horrible I had to go cleanse my palate afterward by watching Glitter."

-- Danny Minton, KBTV-NBC (BEAUMONT, TX)

 

Even more telling: you know how newspapers adverts for movies are chock-full of one-word interjections lauding even the worst of summer blockbusters? Every paper I've seen so far features Gigli ads with not one thing written in quotes; all you get is the tag line and a severely posterized image of the lovely young couple. How's that for having doom spelled out for you?

[Guest Ripper]

Anyone that claims that Jennifer Lopez has no acting ability can kiss my ass with their tounge out. They are just a bunch of bandwagon jumpers that like to shit on whoever is popular. If you don't like her for what ever reason (be it her toneless singing or over exposure) don't run down the one thing this girl can do well.

[Guest cabbageboy]

I feel guilty about saying this but after hearing the insanely negative word of mouth about this movie I WANT to see it. If nothing else to see if it is truly that bad.

[Guest MaxPower27]

Anyone that claims that Jennifer Lopez has no acting ability can kiss my ass with their tounge out. They are just a bunch of bandwagon jumpers that like to shit on whoever is popular. If you don't like her for what ever reason (be it her toneless singing or over exposure) don't run down the one thing this girl can do well.

Oh come off it.

 

I guess that since I don't like American Idol or whatever show is popular and I call it "the stupidest show I've ever seen," that I'm just jumping on the bandwagon.

 

Try this:

 

She's below-average talent-wise.

 

Girls idolize her because she has power over most boys, makes music, does movies, and went from nothing to something.

 

Boys like her because they think she's hot.

 

 

I don't like her because I don't think she's talented. At all. I don't like looking at her. I don't like hearing her. I don't like hearing ABOUT her. So because I have an opinion that I've held since I saw Selena, I'm suddenly jumping on some kind of bandwagon? Fuck you I'm jumping on a bandwagon. Just because she's popular with most people doesn't mean that she's going to be universally loved.

[Toshiaki Koala 0]

And I stand by that...fuck T3

Why? Because it was better then The Matrix Reloaded, X2, The Hulk, LXG, and BB2?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

 

X2 > T3 > BB2.

Eating an actual pile of shit > BB2

 

By the way, I liked T3.

[Guest Ripper]

Anyone that claims that Jennifer Lopez has no acting ability can kiss my ass with their tounge out.  They are just a bunch of bandwagon jumpers that like to shit on whoever is popular.  If you don't like her for what ever reason (be it her toneless singing or over exposure) don't run down the one thing this girl can do well.

Oh come off it.

 

I guess that since I don't like American Idol or whatever show is popular and I call it "the stupidest show I've ever seen," that I'm just jumping on the bandwagon.

 

Try this:

 

She's below-average talent-wise.

 

Girls idolize her because she has power over most boys, makes music, does movies, and went from nothing to something.

 

Boys like her because they think she's hot.

 

 

I don't like her because I don't think she's talented. At all. I don't like looking at her. I don't like hearing her. I don't like hearing ABOUT her. So because I have an opinion that I've held since I saw Selena, I'm suddenly jumping on some kind of bandwagon? Fuck you I'm jumping on a bandwagon. Just because she's popular with most people doesn't mean that she's going to be universally loved.

You don't like her talent and it not existing is two different things. I refuse to believe that before the albums, before the J.Lo and all of that, you saw Selena and said "Wow, the ugly girl can't act." It is bullshit.

 

I guess it is how you view acting. I think that acting talent is something that is undebatable. Either they did a good job conveying emotion and giving a natural feeling performance or not. And she does. Even in steaming piles of crap like Angel Eyes and Enough, she still did a good acting job. The movies just sucked.

 

So unless you are telling me you watched U-Turn or Money train and said to someone "wow, that girl is really not attractive at all and she can't act for shit" then yes you are jumping up and hating her because she is on television and in your face all the time. Overexposure means she is just that, over exposed. Not that she is some talentless hack that should be shot or can be out acted by sock puppets or whatever else the "We shove them in your face 24 hours a day and turn on them with you" media says.

[Guest MaxPower27]

You don't like her talent and it not existing is two different things. I refuse to believe that before the albums, before the J.Lo and all of that, you saw Selena and said "Wow, the ugly girl can't act." It is bullshit.

Well, believe it. I thought that not only the movie was terrible, but she was as well.

 

I guess it is how you view acting.  I think that acting talent is something that is undebatable.  Either they did a good job conveying emotion and giving a natural feeling performance or not.  And she does.  Even in steaming piles of crap like Angel Eyes and Enough, she still did a good acting job.  The movies just sucked.

 

Yeah, they sucked, but good acting in a movie can transcend the overall shittiness of the film itself. See: Tom Hanks in The 'Burbs.

 

So unless you are telling me you watched U-Turn or Money train and said to someone "wow, that girl is really not attractive at all and she can't act for shit" then yes you are jumping up and hating her because she is on television and in your  face all the time.

 

Hated both of those movies and every actor in them (except Cooper in Money Train). And yes, I tell people that she can't act for shit because I sit there watching her struggle through simple scenes in a movie, and I'm not buying ANY OF IT.

 

Overexposure means she is just that, over exposed.  Not that she is some talentless hack that should be shot or can be out acted by sock puppets or whatever else the "We shove them in your face 24 hours a day and turn on them with you" media says.

 

Well, she IS over-exposed, so I guess we're in agreement here, unless you tried to make another point.

[Guest Ripper]

No, my point is that the hatred comes from over exposure more than her lack of talent. I really could give 2 shits about the girl besides her being in the next Kevin Smith film...which will surely bomb now. But she did wonderful jobs in most of her films (Oh when she phoning one in she is REALLY phoning one in) conveying the emotion of whatever character it was.