Blach! I had to go to a ballet recital.

[Guest The Czech Republic]

Usually my family doesn't give a shit where I go or what I do. I spend my afternoons outside doing stuff and my nights on here. I can ride my bike 30 miles across state lines and nobody really cares. But today, I was required to attend a family function, one of the worst of all.

 

My younger sister was invovled in a summer ballet program in Milwaukee, and because this was such a big deal, I had to go and watch. I tried to get out of it, but figured, hey, I should be a good older brother. So I gave in and went to the show. But it ended up being worse.

 

I left the house at about 1 today, to pick up my new pair of eyeglasses. Then after that, we had to go down to my grandmother's house to pick her up. However, as we were on the way down, we noticed some terrible traffic northbound on route 12, on which we were southbound. We elected to go a different way back up to Milwaukee. Long story short, the Tri-State was bad, 12 was worse, and all in all it took us six hours to reach our destination.

 

I'd now like to provide a review of the ballet show. I contemplated writing a review in "1890s Raw" style, but the concept of reviewing a ballet recital on a wrestling site using gilded age vernacular was just such a satirical clusterfuck that I'll jsut tell you what happened.

 

The first dance was decent enough, and my sister was in it. She did well. The workrate was altogether decent and the music suited the piece. Only problem was that the male dancers had these wide-lapel shirts and weird pants that looked really flaming. Also, I was the sad recipient of a disgusting kernel of knowledge: as they were spinning, I noticed they were wearing thongs. If you're a guy wearing a thong, and you're not Kurt Angle, you're gay. And with Kurt's recent booking, that caveat might not hang around much longer. I give it **1/2.

 

The next dance I slept through.

 

After that was some West African harvest dance. The music was nothing but bongo drums! There were a bunch of girls in goofy dresses, all dancing around two shirtless guys imitating tigers: one was white with short blond hair, the other guy was black and bald. It was really like a homoerotic Team Angle. If this is the dance West Africans do to celebrate the harvest, I wish upon them a ten-year drought so they have nothing to dance about. -*****

 

After that was some American-themed dance. I had to hear that damn "Proud To Be An American" song by Lee Greenwood, in which I realized that being mostly forced to go to this, I'm not sure I at least know I'm free. After that was "Stars and Stripes Forever," also known as "The Lex Luger theme." As much as I love Sousa, I unfortunately connect that song with Luger. I wish they used "El Capitan," so I could connect it with Chris Nowinski, a cool guy if ever there was one. **

 

This next number had SPICY LATINO FLAVOR BURSTING AT THE SEAMS! It was a salsa dance, and just seemed salsa-y. **1/2

 

INTERMISSION! WHOO!

 

This next ballet number used the old prop standby: a fucking FOLDING CHAIR. In a perfect world, the ballerina dancing with the folding chair (I can't make these things up) would've hit the ambiguous-looking guy in the speedo prancing around. Though he may have been gay, he sure looked built. Ahem. After some more folding-chair dancing, I thought to myself, in my best Jim Ross voice, "these girls need to go to OVW and get used to a smaller stage. This ain't pro wrestling." The music was really bad, and the dancing was worse, despite some see-through leotards.

 

Moving on, we had two more dances I slept through.

 

The last one was an interesting one, that had weird Asian chanting music going on, and it made me want to kill someone. The worst thing was that it was broken up into like twelve movements, and they'd pause at the end of each, so just when you think the damn show is over, they start over again! AHHH! FINALLY, they started doing some weird mime-in-a-box hand movements and some guy in a dress floated up behindeveryone. Trippy shit. ***

 

 

So all this being said, I just thought I should contribute a little haute couture to TSM. I felt like a philistine after the show. So this is my redemption: spreading the joys of ballet, translucent leotards, and The World's Greatest Team Of African Dancers.

[Guest Fook_Hing_Ho]

Ballet huh?

 

Did you at least get to see the bear in the little car?

[Guest HBK16]

Dammit Fook I was gonna say that.

[Guest The Czech Republic]

I saw no bear.

[Guest Vern Gagne]

you could of gotten out of going by sticking your arms in two vending machines.

[Guest HBK16]

Now there's an idea!

[Guest Vern Gagne]

That's what happened to Homer.

[Guest HBK16]

Then Marge didnt believe him. Classic Simpson's episode

[Guest Vern Gagne]

Classic Indeed.

 

"Oh, I don't know a little show called, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman."

[Guest Fook_Hing_Ho]

Homer: Marge, I know you didn't believe me about the vending machines. That's why I had the firemen write me a note.

Marge (reads): Mrs. Simpson, while we were rescuing your husband, a lumberyard burned down.

Homer: D'oh! Lumber has a million uses.

[Guest Chuck E Cheese]

ballet can be a very enjoyable art form

[TheFranchise 0]

Dammit Fook I was gonna say that.

I wish the time zone was different, i was gonna say that but you beat me by the fact you live closer to him

[Guest Chuck E Cheese]

Dammit Fook I was gonna say that.

I wish the time zone was different, i was gonna say that but you beat me by the fact you live closer to him

sure, that's what they all say

[Guest Chuck E Cheese]

Dammit Fook I was gonna say that.

I wish the time zone was different, i was gonna say that but you beat me by the fact you live closer to him

sure, that's what they all say