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Mystery Eskimo

OAOAST IntenseZone - 8/12/03

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Pyros flare, music blares and a packed out crowd goes wild for another episode of the OAOAST's flagship show. We waste no time in cutting to our regular hosts.




JR: Good evening and welcome to IntenseZone~! I'm Jim Ross, and I don't have time to introduce Jesse Ventura, we're heading backstage for what can only be described as HELLACIOUS action!


::Scene, Cameraman running down the hallway, the camera jostling around, showing an erratic picture. Teddy Long is ahead on the right a few feet, his earpiece's wire fluttering about, catching what Teddy is saying in reply.::


Teddy: You sure bout that playa? Cmon honky! turn here!


::Cameraman turns to the right, and a door halfway down is open with various OaOasT staff clusered around with frightened looks on their faces...Teddy pushes his way through the crowd and to the door, allowing himself and the cameraman to get in::


Teddy: Damn...playa hata


::The camera, unsteady, turns upwards, catching EMT's working around the General Manager's desk. Shattered upon its top is the remnants of a guitar, and the General Manager of IntenseZone, Damian Gonzalez, whose head to totally covered with a bright red sheen, not exactly what a black man should be wearing.::


TeddY: Hey, Cracka-lacka, what happa?


OaOasT Official: Remember that guy Banky? Damian banned him right after that match with Dangerous A...Well, Banky sued D-A, and got a bunch of money. Banky got himself a suit against OaOasT, and he came here to talk...Well, his talking was smashing a guitar over Damian's head and declaring himself the new General Manager...looks like our Board was scared shitless.


Teddy: Damn...


:: cut back to JR, a blank look on his face ::


Jesse: Ahaha! That's great! This should bring some life into things around here!

JR: This is an outrage! Dames have been attacked...BAH GAWD, I'm SPEECHLESS! BAH GAWD! SPEECHLESS! SCALDED DAWG! BAH-

Jesse: Cut! Cut!


We cut.


(Parka is seen walking backstage with his Tag Title over his shoulder when he bumps into Bizarro.)



Watch where you're going ass!



Who are you?



What!? I'm Bizarro Blurricane! The guy who retired everyone's favorite hero! Now move before I'm forced to retire you too!



How are you going to do that? You think I'm afraid of an overgrown kid and a insecure old man?



Funny...real funny. That's a nice belt you've got there. (Bizarro touches the belt, but Parka pulls back)



Get your hands off the belt or you and your Father will have matching wheelchairs!



Whoa! Let's not get angry now. I have no beef with you. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go to the ring to show the world more footage of how pathetic Number 13 is.


(Bizarro walks away as Parka looks pissed)



Edited by Mystery Eskimo

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JR: Welcome back! You'll be glad to know I'm fine to continue with this broadcast!

Jesse: Thank the Lord...


CUE: Blackened



Oh now what!?



You don't listen very well do you JR? He said he's coming out here to show more footage!



I hope the tape breaks! This is sick!


(Bizarro rises from the stage and makes his way to the ring. Fans boo him as he just smiles and eats up all the booing. Bizarro grabs a mic and steps into the ring.)



Welcome to another edition of Bizarro World!



Bizarro World?? His segment has its own name now??



Yes! Bizarro world is better than Piper's Pit!!



Tonight I have a special treat! A Live Feed from Father's home!! Tonight you will get to see Number 13's pathetic state live! Now everyone will have to admit that it's true! So why wait? Let's take you to the house right now!


[[The camera turns on and we see Blurricane washing dishes. Father rolls into the scene and looks at the camera.



Greetings. As you can see Number 13 is doing his chores as always. Number 13 will you come over here for a second?


(Blurricane walks over to Father and keeps his head down so that he's looking at the floor)



Have you finished cleaning for today?



Yes sir.



Take a walk with me.


(Blurricane and Father start to walk as the cameraman follows. Father stops at a basket and reaches down to pick up a shirt.)



Do you see this? You shrunk my favorite shirt! How many times must I tell you to be careful with my clothes!? Come closer!


(Blurricane leans forward and Father hauls off and slaps him as hard as he can.)



I was generous enough to give you a home and give you work to pass the time and you still do not do what you are told!?



I'm sorry sir.



You want to go back to The OAOAST don't you?



No sir.



Don't lie to me! I have brought you in front of this camera tonight so that you can tell Bizarro that you are sorry. You tell him that you are sorry and you tell the world that he is the better man!






Do it!



I am sorry.






You are my superior. I am nothing.



Very good! Now go the the storage room down the hall and get me a new shirt.


(Blurricane walks away, but seems confused as where to go. Blurricane goes to open a door, but it's locked)



No!! You're not allowed in there you idiot! The storage room is down the hall! (Father looks back at the camera) You see. He's a fool and every last one of you were fools to ever think that he was anything more!


(We cut back to Bizarro who has a big smile on his face.)]]



I couldn't agree more Father! He told everyone that he's a loser! You heard him! He said I was the superior and now you have no choice but to believe it! I have proven to you all that....


CUE: Live for the Moment by Darwin’s Waiting Room


(The crowd errupts as Shocker comes running into the ring and gets in Bizarro's face.)



I've heard enough! Every week you come out here and run your mouth off about how you're perfection, but you couldn't even get the job done against me last week! You resorted to attacking me and the ref with a chair! You seem so set on proving that Blurricane is a loser, but I'd like to see you prove that you really are what you say you are!



Whoa buddy who came out on top? I did! When I go into a fight I go in to win or come out on top and if you haven't realized that weapons, chairs, and cheating are just part of the hazzards of wrestling then maybe you aren't cut out for this business.



What's the matter? You afraid of fair competition? Or are you trying to hide something? Maybe you're trying to hide the fact that you suck as a wrestler. You can't beat anyone in a straight up wrestling match and it bugs the hell out of you.



Maybe you forgot that I've already retired a man in my first match here! You better watch your mouth or you could end up retired too. You want a straight up wrestling match? I'll take you up on that! At AngleSlam.....you and me in a straight up wrestling match.



That doesn't prove to me that you won't cheat. That's just your word and quite frankly I don't trust your word.



Fine. If I cheat even once then they can suspend me! I don't care! I'll use this opportunity to prove that I am everything that I say that I am! So they can suspend me for as long as they want if I cheat! Then we'll see who's full of it!



You're on!


(The crowd starts to chant "Shocker" as he leaves the ring. Bizarro flips off the crowd, which draws loud boos.)


(Fade out)



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JR: As ever its been controversial already here on IntenseZone...and things aren't about to cool down anytime soon. Tonight we have the NA title on the line once again, plus the Revolution tournament continues.

Jesse: And I think we can all be grateful that BANKY is back in the fold.


Jesse: Let's just cut now, shall we?


:: Jailbait is walking through the OaOast backstage area with a couple of his friends and Clarissa. ::


Jailbait: “Oye hombre, eso empareja era la semana pasada impresionante qué?”


Friend # 1: “Usted pateó que hermano como malo de esquimal.”


Friend # 2: (In a thick Hispanic accent) “Hey homes, you got a match tonight, huh?”


Jailbait: “Yeah, the revolution tournament el lío. My opponent is a “mystery” selection.”


Friend # 2: “They just trying to hold you down again campeón, didn’t they see you destroy their icon and fry him like the fish he is?”


Jailbait: “I ain’t sweating this homey. Whoever he thinks he is, he’s gonna be the next one to go down, all in a row, and soon enough boys, we’re gonna be on easy street, the money, the cars, the women!”


Clarissa: “(Tapping Jailbait on the shoulder) Excuse me?”


Jailbait: “You heard me, the money, the cars and Las rameras, what part of that don’t you get?”


Clarissa: (Pulling Jailbait aside, away from his friends) “You should really be careful out there tonight. Eskimo’s locked up, but you have no idea who this guy is you’re facing tonight.”


Jailbait: “What is your problem? Ya’ know, last week, you had a clear shot at putting Eskimo down, but you didn’t. (Pushing Clarissa against the wall) Acerca de qué es que todo? What is that all about, huh?”


Clarissa: (Beginning to cry) “I’m sorry, I froze. I…….I……I…. didn’t know what to do.”


Friend # 1: “Hey, vayamos ‘Bait, let’s roll.”


Jailbait: “Whatever you do, you better not screw up tonight, this tourney means a lot to me…..no us! If I win this tourney, we’re gonna be set babe. Now wipe those tears hermoso.”


:: Jailbait grabs Clarissa’s hand and pulls her quickly down the hallway. Peaking from a nearby corner is Derek the Fish~! With Vodka in hand, he takes a sip and ponders what he saw and overheard. ::

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GameDust is sitting in his leather chair gently petting his coat in his lap looking into his mirror


What is a kiss? A sign of affection


What is a kiss? The beginning of giving into your lust


What is a kiss? A method of sealing the deal


The kiss of death. Your death poet.


It's not hard at all to be a poet. I'm sure I could be a bard to if I knew what that meant, but you've always been the type to want to be called exotic names.


It may end up with you being the widow. Has that gutter trash you give your heart to, run out of her "mean person" drugs so soon? Shame.


Dust pulls Poet's watch out of his pocket.

Tick tock tick tock. Time is ticking and this mess won't be dealt with fast but I always knew you weren't a one minute man. he grins


Gamedust gets up out his chair and lays his coat on it. He looks into the mirror with an evil grin then steps up and throws the watch at the mirror with such force that it shatters. GameDust on the back of his coat is seen in a remaining broken piece of glass in the mirror.


We fade...


JR: Hasn't SpiderPoet been through enough? The whole ordeal with the Goblin, and now this?


Jesse: Hey, you can't blame Gamedust for wanting to make an impact, Jim Ross, and I have a feeling Poet will be feeling that impact very hard, very soon.


JR: “Well Jesse, The Revolution Tournament continues next with your best friend, Jailbait, going up against a mystery opponent. Any idea who it could be?”


Jesse: “I don’t want to speculate, but my sources say that the mystery opponent is to be considered one of the most exciting stars to every grace the OaOast ring. By the way JR, Jailbait and I patched things up in the back and he introduced me to an auto repair gentlemen in Brooklyn and no I roll on dubs, yo.”


JR: “Well, not withstanding that, this match is coming up next.”



:: “How I Could Just Kill A Man” hits and Jailbait, with his friends and Clarissa, make their way out to the ring. Jailbait taunts several fans at ringside before finally getting into the ring. The tension between Clarissa and Jailbait seems to be growing as he is screaming at her to get into the corner. ::


Jesse: “Yeah, that’s it Jailbait, put her in your place!”


JR: “Boy, you sure made a 180 degree turn from LTP.


Jesse: “Hey, stop living for the past JR, and take a look at the future right there in the ring.”


:: Jailbait sits on the top turnbuckle patiently awaiting his mystery opponent. The crowd begins to grow tense with anticipation. ::


JR: “Where is his opponent?”



:: "Bling Bling" by Big Tymers hits up over the speakers as a new wrestler dressed up as a pimp with large chains hanging over his neck! He comes to a very small reaction as the crowd doesn't know who he is. ::


Jesse: “What the, why didn’t you tell me we signed Flash Funk?”


JR: “I have no idea who this is, but it’s certainly not Flash Funk, Jesse.”


:: Then suddenly, "Let Me Clear My Throat" (Old School Mix) by DJ Kool plays as the lights start to flicker! The Mad Cappa struts out, smiling heavily, to LOUD cheers with the pimp charging at him for a confrontation! The lights turn back on as Cappa tosses the pimp off the set, crashing through the table! Cappa then just dances all over the set acknowledging the crowd as he gets the crowd more pumped up! ::


JR: “Oh my!! We haven’t seen Cappa in quite a while and this crowd is ecstatic!!!”


Jesse: “Well, he just disposed of who ever this other guy was and now he’s sucking up to the fans, it makes me sick JR.”

:: He walks down the ramp way slowly as he high fives as many people as he can along the way! He points to the crowd at random intervals as the crowd keeps cheering! Instead of walking into the ring, he climbs over the guardrail and starts celebrating with the fans! The fans then go into a "Go Cappa" chant! He takes his time as he circles around the ring in the seats! ::


:: As he circled around, he climbs back into the ring area. He grabs a mic from the bell keeper and steps into the ring! He asks for the music to stop. The music stops, but the crowd goes into a "Cappa" chant! This goes on for a couple of seconds as Cappa still has a huge grin on his face! Finally, he starts to talk. ::


Cappa: "I'm gonna' make this short......DAMN IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK HERE!"


:: The crowd cheers even louder!::


Cappa: "I'm back now and Lightning Crew, you all betta' watch out your backs! So when the time comes, just don't ask! Just accept it! Accept that you will get your asses kicked!!!"


:: Jailbait then runs into the ring and attacks Cappa from behind. Jailbait lays stomps and kicks into the chest of Cappa and tosses him into the corner. The crowd begins to a “Jailbait sucks!” chant and switches to a “Go Cappa!” chant. Jailbait whips Cappa into the buckle and runs at him. He gets hit with a back elbow from Cappa and he climbs onto the top turnbuckle and hits a double axe handle shot. ::


:: Cappa then begins to lay in some vicious chops to the chest of Jailbait. The crowd counts along with every shot and is 100% behind him so far. Cappa sends Jailbait into the ropes and lowers his head. ::


Jesse: “Oh, big mistake!”


:: Jailbait sees this and hits a leaping DDT. He then mounts him and begins to hammer him with shots to the head. Jailbait lifts Cappa up and hits a snap suplex. Jailbait then signals that he’s going to the top rope. ::


JR: “Jailbait is risk-taker no doubt about it, and it mostly doesn’t work out so well for him in the end.”


:: Jailbait climbs the ropes, but Cappa runs to the buckle to grab Jailbait, but Jailbait tosses him off. Jailbait taunts the crowd and attempts a frog splash, but Cappa moves! ::


JR: “That was a risk that didn’t pay off for Jailbait and now the advantage is clearly back with Cappa. ::


:: Cappa goes for a quick roll up


1…Kickout by Jailbait!


Cappa then double underhooks his arms and takes him down with a Tiger Bomb! The shoulders are down!




Cappa picks up Jailbait as another “Go Cappa” chant begins to ring out. He whips Jailbait into the ropes and nails a spinebuster. He covers Jailbait.


1……2…….Kickout again!


Cappa continues the offensive assault as he slams Jailbait down hard on the canvas. Cappa then goes to the top rope himself. ::


Jesse: “This didn’t work out so well for Jailbait, why try it anyway?”


:: Cappa goes up top and nails a Legdrop from the top rope! He covers! But the ref is tied up with Jailbaits friends on the outside! ::


JR: “Cappa had this match won, why doesn’t the ref get them hell outta here!”


Jesse: “They’re his friends, they are there to support him, you wouldn’t know anything about that though, right JR?”


:: Cappa gets up to confront them and Jailbait dropkicks him in the back to the outside. His friends begin to lay in the boots to him as Jailbait has the ref tied up. He orders Clarissa to grab a chair and she throws one in the ring. Jailbaits friends toss Cappa into the ring and distract the ref again! ::


Jesse: “The ref is all tied up and Cappa return is gonna be short lived after this chairshot JR.”


JR: “We’ve seen this week after week with Jailbait, does he ever not use a chair in a match Jesse?”


Jesse: “You do whatever you can to win JR.”


:: Jailbait measures Cappa and swings! Cappa ducks! He hooks a sleeper in! Jailbait struggles to counter it and is attempting the grab the ref for leverage. He accidently pokes the ref in the eye and with the ref blinded, he hits a low blow on Cappa. The “Jailbait sucks” chant fires up again as he orders Clarissa to get into the ring. He holds Cappa up and orders Clarissa to use her shoes to hit him in the face! ::


JR: “Oh, this can’t be good for Cappa, someone has to get in there.”


:: Clarissa swings but Cappa ducks again! Clarissa nails Jailbait! Jailbait’s lip is busted open! ::


Jesse: “Oh man! That shot knocked him into the middle of next week JR.”


:: Cappa hits a double leg takedown and hooks in the WALLS OF CAPPA! Jailbait is screaming in pain and cannot reach the ropes! Jailbait’s friends jump on the ring apron but the ref shoves them off. Jailbait inches towards the ropes! ::


JR: “Jailbait is letting out an ear-piercing scream as he gets closer and closer to that bottom rope!”


Jesse: “He is close, so damn close!”


:: Cappa drags Jailbait to the middle of the ring and sits down on the hold! Jailbait reaches, but in a last bit of energy, taps out in the middle of the ring!!!! ::


Jesse: “He had no choice, that hold was locked in and Jailbait’s lower back is not fully healed from LTP! Cappa advances to the finals!”


JR: “That was a highly competitive match-up and could have gone either way, but the returning Mad Cappa is victorious here tonight!”


:: Cappa dances his way to the crowd and makes his exit through the fans up the stairs. The fans continue to chant “Go Cappa!” as he exits out. ::


Winner: Mad Cappa by submission at 7:35


:: Jailbait gets up, favoring his lower back. He orders Clarissa in the ring and begins to berate her! His friends try to pull him away and restrain him, but Jailbait has gone mad! He points her to the aisleway and says “We’ll settle this later” as tears roll down Clarissa face. ::


JR: “What the hell? I don’t understand this at all, the plot between Jailbait-Clarissa and Eskimo is thickening Jesse."



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::Camera showing a door, unmarked::


Voice: No, not like this. I didn't mean for it to go this far.


Voice #2: What on earth are you talking about...


Voice: Banky...Dangerous-A...Dames. You know I signed that match up


Voice #2: Couldn't have predicted the brutality.


Voice: And I wasn't there at the board meeting, I didn't even know Damian lost his job.


Voice #2: Remorse only goes so far, its not our way to feel guilty.


Voice: Then what is?


Voice #2: Make a stand, do what He told you is right and just. Believe.


Voice: You're telling me to go fight Banky.


Voice #2: I'm only being spoken through. But I think He is right here.


Voice #2: Fine. I can do this


::The door swings open at this point, and Stephen Joseph walks out, eyes ablaze in purpose...He passes by the camera, not really noticing or caring and proceeds to walk down the hallway. The door swings shut before we can see who he was speaking too...::


---Fade Scene---

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::"As Heaven is Wide" hits and Edward Robins IS WALKING~! to the ring. He doesn't look to pleased with himself, as a portion of the crowd chants "Get up Ed! Get up Ed!", and another portion chants "LOSER!", both portions having the intelligence to not only work a television remote, but to watch heldDOWN last week.



Oh, how the righteous, the only true might ones, have fallen. It's interesting, it's always been written that the meek shall inherit the earth, but looking around here tonight, I hope to hell that's not true, for I shudder to think what lazy, gluttonous Gomorrah you assholes would bring. Oh, that's right, I forgot who I'm talking to...you are WEAK, FAT, and utterly powerless to do anything about either ::crowd boos:: But it seems I embellished a bit last week. 'Tis a mortal failing, as is my disappointment. Like Frodo, I became too enraptured in myself and my success, rather than...


::The arena goes pitch-black, but the crowd cheers as "Battery" roars through the arena and the lights come back on to reveal EL DANDY~! face to face with Edward. Edward, furious both at being cut off and at the sight of Dandy, immediately goes for a sucker-punch, but Dandy stops it and shoves Ed back, much to the crowd's delight::



Hmmmm....weak, powerless, sounds like a certain someone who couldn't keep his mouth shut a couple weeks ago. Oh that's right, I forgot who I'm talking to...for lo, you called, I respondeth, and I beateth thou down! I tooketh thine wicked soul back to Hell, and I'll have no problem doing it again tonight! ::crowd pops::



Enough nonsense! I was just about to get you, my dear Dandy. And why was I about to get to you. In fact, I was just about to thank you.


Thank you for laying me out like that. It's quite the feeling, waking up in the back, in that cold, white room. Thanks for exposing my weakness, throughout all the arena, on live television, for all the world to see. Thank you for cutting me off, for making a mockery of my sentiments and beliefs. Helps me understand myself, you know. Thank you for sticking in my head. Those few simple moves made sure you did. Helps me focus, you know. Thank you so very much, Senor, for holding me down in those ropes, so I couldn't step up and save my tag title. Thank you for helping me see it was mine. And thank you for helping me see it was bullshit. I was bullshit. Thank you very much sir, for like these fools in the audience, I am weak, and I am nothing without a title and a partner to prop me up, to give me a soap-box, so I might babble like a mad-man and think it to be earth-shattering. For acting so selfless, I want to applaud you...


::Edward turns away from Dandy, then drops the mic, whips around and SPEARS~! him to the ground. Catching Dandy off-guard, Edward pummels away at his face. Edward lifts Dandy up for a second, and goes for another sucker-punch. Dandy manages to stop it again, as the crowd cheers; Edward displays a look of shock, then an evil grin as Dandy winces and backs off, shielding his hand as blood drips from that and his face. Only now is it apparent that he had a small amount of barbed-wire wrapped around his fist the whole time. He picks up the mic again.



...bra-fucking-vo! I just want to say, thanks! Thanks a lot!


::Edward whirls Dandy around, and grasps him for his trademark devastating Evenflow DDT.



Oh, but I could never thank you enough, kind sir!


::Edward rolls out of the ring, as the camera zooms in on Dandy's face, littered with cuts and patches of blood. The camera zooms back out, to show Edward back in the ring, raising a barbed wire bat and bringing it down on Dandy's hand that he opened up earlier. He tosses the bat aside, then, after a few good stomps on Dandy's face, props Dandy up on the ropes, barely conscious. He repositions the barbed-wire from his knuckles to his palms.



Put her there!


::Edward slaps around the falling Dandy a bit more, then grasps him for a "handshake" on his injured hand. He reaches around with his other hand to apply pressure, and slips his hand out of the barbed-wire, leaving it embedded in Dandy's hand as now a more steady flow of blood begins to drip onto the canvas.



Come come, friend, you've got no grip! What kind of gentleman are you?


::Edward laughs as Dandy finally falls off the ropes, slumped in a position not unlike Edward's at the end of heldDOWN's tag match. Edward gives him a few more stomps for good measure, until he finally falls all the way down, onto his back.



Hey Randy Mandy Dandy man, let's all play Candyland! Cute. Real cute. And I'll have no problem doing it again at SCREAMS OF NO REPLY~!


::Edward laughs again as the crowd boos and he exits::



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::Door, showing BANKY~!, written with a huge star emblem behind it. On the ground lies a note, and we can hear footsteps approaching from off-camera::


Banky: What's this? ::rips envelope open::





You're a betting man aren't you? Well, here's one for you. Join me in the ring, tonight...Put your GM-ship on the line, and I'll put my commissionership up as well.


To the winner go the spoils...but please, don't be greedy.


Stephen Joseph



Banky: Yeah, I'm a betting man...and I got the ace in the hole


::Banky walks off, pulling out his cell phone from his pocket::


---Fade Scene---



Jesse: The future of IntenseZone hangs in the balance...I can't wait for Banky to fire you, Jim Ross!

JR: I never thought I'd say this, but Stephen Joseph, may God be with you tonight....I'm hearing of an arrival backstage! Let's check it out!


(SPIDERPOET is walking through the hall and talking on his cell phone.)


SP (frowning):

Amanda . . . I already told you. This GameDust guy? He's off his rocker . . . no. No, you know better than that. (listens intently) I know. You just had to ask . . . I understand. (Smiles) Yes, I booked a hall....I'm sure you're gonna love it....You've got a dress picked out already? That's wonderful!...I'm sure you look fantastic . . .


("Shooter" Jay Darring enters the frame, stares at the 'Poet, and motions for him to close the phone.)



Listen, I've gotta go...Jay's apparently gotta talk to me about something. Okay, love you, bye.

*closes phone*

What's on your mind?



I just wanted to congratulate you on your upcoming wedding. How a girl like even agreed to date you in the first place is a minor miracle. The fact that she wants to marry you, whoa, that's like Lazarus rising from the grave.



I know you're trying to be funny Jay, but tread lightly with the G-d stuff please. Now does this have a point, or did you cut off a conversation with my fiance to try out your standup act on me?



Yes this does have a point, and no, I'm not going to tread lightly around the "G-d stuff," because I'm not sure how committed you truly are to these beliefs of yours.



Why do you think that?



You spent the last two months fighting your demonic brother-something I do have a lot of respect for- but do you honestly believe that a single half-assed apology and leaving the Trinity magically makes all of your past sins go away? Does the name Christian James mean anything to you?



(voice dropping noticeably) How is he?



He got moved to a special hospital in the Caribbean. It doesn't look good. YOU did that.



I'm sorry.



'I'm sorry' is an empty phrase Peter. 'I'm sorry' doesn't take that dark side that I know still exists politely go away. I want you to prove it to me, because if the "bad Poet" comes back and makes that woman's life miserable I will personally hunt you down and make you wish you were never given the gift of life in the frist place.



So how do I prove it to you?




A match tonight, between you and me. One on one- I leave my valet out of it, you leave yours out of it. To defend my former partner's honor. Not only that, it'll be a social experiment. See what happens when your buttons are pushed. If you truly are "redeemed" as you claim to be. It's trial by fire time Petey, time for your true atonement. And your parlor trick shit doesn't impress me-I'll shove that helmet up your ass and burn your balls with that pyro.



....I'm gonna prove you wrong.



I hope so.


(Jay walks off, leaving a stunned Peter Cone standing silently in the hallway.)



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:: Derek the Fish~! is walking in the back and hears commotion from a locker room. He puts his vodka down and put an ear (or whatever they use to hear) to the locker room. He hears slaps and screams. The noises stop and Derek downs his glass and puts it to the door for extra hearing ::


Jailbait: Thanks to you, I'm out of the tournament!

Clarissa: I'm sorry- I'm distracted-I

Jailbait: You going soft on me? You suddenly got yourself some morals?

Clarissa: No-I-

Jailbait: You didn't have morals when I picked you out of the gutter, did you? No, you were grateful, you liked being seen with an OAOAST SUPERSTAR!

Clarissa: That was before you-

Jailbait: Before you what? Before I had to take you down a peg or two? Ha, and that damn fool Eskimo took the fall...he took it good.

Clarissa: He's going to get sent-


Jailbait: Just shut the hell up! Forget Eskimo, forget it all!


:: There's another loud crash, and then silence. Derek looks SHOCKED, and scuttles away. ::



:: Derek returns into shot to pick up his bottle, and flaps off again ::


JR: Did you see that? Jailbait FRAMED Eskimo for his own misdeeds!

Jesse: Now where did you get a crazy idea like that?

JR: This is sick. I hope Derek can do something about this.

Jesse: Why don't YOU do something?

JR: Ah...I'm just a commentator.

Jesse: Sure you're not SCARED of Jailbait and his friends?

JR: (ignoring the question) After these messages, its that special challenge match we saw made earlier tonight- SpiderPoet vs Jay Darring.



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The following contest is scheduled for one fall...


[The blue spotlights fade in, flickering throughout the arena as "Shin-Jingi Naki Tatakai" by Hotei blares over the PA]


Introducing first, from Boston Massachusetts, weighing in at 173 pounds, "SHOOTER" JAY DARRING!


JR: Jay Darring made the challenge tonight to Spider-Poet: prove your worth as a man, back up your words with actions.


Jesse: What right does Jay Darring have to question anybody's character, after all the horrific things he's done in OAOAST? Jay is a philanderer anyway- he probably wants to move in on Widow!


JR: Jay has a steady relationship!


Jesse: Like that's ever stopped him.


Jay calmly walks around ringside, slapping any outstretched hands he sees, and awaits his opponent.


[Cue "Believe in Angels" by Heather Nova and Graeme Revelle.]



And from Charleston, South Carolina, weighing in 230 pounds, "Spider-Poet" Peter Cone!


Cone eschews his usual dramatic entrance, choosing instead to simply walk to the ring, and enter, staring at his opponent.


JR: One thing is for sure, Amanda Crimson will be watching this match very closely.


Jesse: No doubt. Everyone remembers how poorly he treated her as part of Los Infernales, and after all that he assumes everything is going to be hunky-dory? Please. Not to be Devil's Advocate, but the monster may very well still exist within Peter Cone.




Cone and Darring meet in the center of the ring, Jay putting the mouth on him as Peter stands there silently.


JR: You're not seeing play-acting here folks. The personalities of these two men are very real, and you're going to see a passionate, intense match tonight between two passionate and intense men.


Jay, strangely, offers his hand to Cone. Cone takes it, but Jay pulls it away! "Too slow Petey!" Jay smiles and offers it again. Again Cone takes it, but Jay grabs the arm and grabs a side headlock!


Jesse: Jay playing some mind games with the Poet- I like it!


JR: He said he was going to try and push his buttons tonight, do everything he could to bring out the demons, and it's already in motion.


SP pushes Jay back up against the ropes, and shoves him off. Jay runs off the ropes- duck by Cone, Jay leapfrogs over, but stops. Cone turns around- EYEPOKE by Jay, staggering Cone, followed up with a ROUNDHOUSE KICK to the face! Cone bails to the outside!


Jesse: Finally, I've found something I like about this kid! What a brilliant move.


JR: This may be a "test," but Jay still holds a grudge against the Poet for ending Undisputed's career. He's going to hurt Peter Cone, and hurt him badly for his sin.


Cone is still gathering his senses on the outside, Jay runs the ropes, sprinboard- RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT!





Jay sees it as he comes down, he rolls through on the landing unharmed. Cone capitalizes however, with a big thrust kick to the stomach! Jay is doubled over as Cone quickly bounces up to the apron, he measures his opponent- QUEBRADA DDT!


JR: WOW! What a move! Peter Cone proving once again why he is the best pure athlete in OAOAST!


Jesse: He SPIKED him on the back of his head! That's concussion city.


Cone throws Jay back into the ring and climbs back on the apron- SPRINGBOARD- LEGDROP CONNECTS! COVER!








JR: It's gonna take more than that to put down Jay Darring. You practically have to kill him to beat him!


Cone picks him up, sends him into the ropes with an irish whip. Cone tries to catch him off the ropes with a rana- caught by Jay. Jay tries to throw him off- Cone lands on his feet!




JR: Jay has unmatched ring awareness, excellent timing and velocity on that shot.


Jesse: Now that Jay has the advantage, things are going to get brutal.


Jay picks up the fallen Poet, slapping him as he gets up. "Come on Petey!" Jay quickly grabs a side waistlock- SAITO SUPLEX HARD ON HIS NECK!


JR: Jay is coldly exacting his revenge on the Bard for his fallen partner.


Jesse: It's about time we say this attitude from Jay! This is what'll take him far in OAOAST, not that vamp Lauren!


"One more time!" Jay drags the prone bard to his feet again, for ANOTHER SAITO SUPLEX!


JR: Jay is deep into his dark side, Lauren has warned him about this.


Jesse: It's like Luke Skywalker vs. Darth Vader, but with more workrate.


Jay makes a slow throat-cutting gesture. Cone isn't moving, Jay heading to the top rope. He climbs the buckles, still no signs of life from Peter. -DIVING HEADBUTT!!



CONE MOVES! Jay shoots up, holding his head! Peter takes advantage with a sniper-perfect heel kick!


JR: The Poet showing new life!


Jay gets up clutching his forehead, and Poet takes advantage by grabbing a headlock and DRIVING him down with a bulldog! A bloodstain instantly appears on the mat!


Jesse: The Shooter has been busted wide open! There's a cover!










JR: Jay better find a way to turn this match around and end it quickly, because he won't be able to go for that long if blood continues to pour out of that cut!


Peter picks Jay up, whips him hard into the turnbuckles. *SMACK*! Cone connects with a hard chop to the chest, followed by a quick jab to the bloodied forehead of Jay. Cone goes to whip Jay into the other corner post. He charges- but Jay catches Peter's head with his legs! HURRICANRANA-driving the Bard's head into the buckle! Cone is staggered, and Jay quickly hits a floating neckbreaker, both men are down!


JR: This match has taken a lot out of both men, physically and emotionally!


The referee is administering the count...










No signs of life yet.






Both men are turning over, starting to get up...






Cone and Jay both on their feet, and Cone with a CHOP! Jay with a CHOP! Cone with a CHOP! Cone with a CHOP! Jay with another CHOP! But this time he connects with some hard punches before Cone can respond! Jay bounces off the ropes- but he's hit with a dropkick by the Poet on the rebound! Cover!












Poet slaps the mat in anger!


JR: Uh, oh, the Poet is starting to show some signs of frustration!


Jesse: Maybe Jay was right, maybe this was an act all along!


"Get up!" Peter throws Jay into the ropes-ducks down. Jay catches that telegraphed maneuver with a hard forearm to the back. He grabs a double-underhook, picks him up...he's got him over his shoulder- COLT 45 CONNECTS!


JR: VICIOUS backbreaker by the former North American champion! There a cover!











JR: What a close fall! That move's put a lot of people away before Ventura!


Jesse: Maybe he was drawing on a "higher power" to kick out.


Jay is in shock, but quickly grabs the still-stunned Bard. Has him up for a suplex- wait a second, no, he holds on, pumps twice, BIGTIME BRAINBUSTER!




Jesse: Did you see his head bounce off the mat?!


Jay covers!










JR: What the hell? And he's getting up!


Jesse: Do you see the look in his eyes!


Indeed, Cone's eyes seem to glow, as he unloads on the shocked Jay with vicious stiff kicks to the legs! He follows up with a CRACKLING backhanded slap to the face, spinning Jay around! Cone grabs his head from behind, delivers one last stiff kick to the neck, and DRIVES HIM DOWN WITH A REVERSE DDT!






Cone chooses not to cover off of that devastating series. He heads to the opposite corner, waiting patiently for Jay to get up. He starts STOMPING HIS FOOT!


JR: He's signalling for the SPIDAHKICK! That'll end this match for sure.


Jesse: And with whatever "extra force" he has behind it, he might kill Jay!


Jay is starting to get to his feet, the referee checking on him. Poet thrusts in for the kick-




JR: The referee's head just snapped back! Normally I'd be righteously indignant to such an action, but Jay was just trying to save himself!


Cone throws the ref's lifeless body to the side, and grabs Jay for a powerbomb!


JAY SLIPS OUT! Boot to the gut, he tries a powerbomb of his own! Cone is fighting the bomb with punches! Jay staggers by the ropes-Cone ranas him over the ropes! Jay spills hard to the outside, and Cone lands on his feet! He throws Jay HARD into the steps, and a giant THUD is heard throughout the arena!


JR: I'm shocked, just in shock ladies and gentleman, at the actions of Peter Cone. After all he's been through, to regress back in only his second match...


Jesse: He's been a liar all along! You know, I bet "Goblin" was just a giant ploy to get Widow back so he can abuse her some more. That's how sick and twisted he is!


"Gimme that f'n bell!" Cone shoves the timekeeper out of the way and grabs the ring bell, as the defenseless and bleeding Jay crawls back into the ring.


JR: Jay Darring is defenseless, Cone will kill him with that bell!


Jesse: Well, I'm still in support of that- HIT HIM! HIT HIM!


Jay is trying to get up but can't. He sees Cone raising the ring bell, a feral grin across his face. He raises the bell high, as Jay struggles in a futile attempt to get to his feet!




Suddenly, the grin starts to disappear, replaced with confusion...the bell still raised high!




Cone is still confused, starts to shake his head, as if clearing cobwebs, and throws the bell down! The crowd pops HUGE as they know their hero is still on the side of good!






Peter, a grin on his face, heads to the top rope!



WHITE SPARKS FLY FROM THE RINGPOSTS as Peter Cone morphs into the SPIDERBARD! Bard signals to the crowd that he's going to do something big!


But Jay is up! With his last ounce of strength, he dashes up the buckles and cuts off Bard! He hooks him up-






Jay clutches his chest in pain, but jumps on the Bard for the cover!




JR: No one to count the fall!



OUT OF NOWHERE, Reject slides in and breaks up the count with a hard baseball bat shot to Jay's back! The referee has turned over and seen it, and calls for the bell- to silence.


Jesse: There's no bell, you moron, it's in the ring!


JR: Jay wins this match by disqualification, but Reject is making sure he doesn't feel like one.


Reject with two more HARD bat shots to the back and Jay is writhing in pain! Reject picks him up and props him on the turnbuckle. Reject winds up...


JR: He's gonna knock his head off!


Jesse: I'm glad somebody's gonna get to do it tonight!


BUT NO, the SpiderBard grabs the bat away! Reject tries a punch-BLOCKED! Bard with a punch of his own! He whips him into the ropes- TILDE-BANG~~! Reject quickly gets out of there and helps Jay to his feet!




The bloody Jay looks at the transformed Bard, as if searching for something. He nods his head, and staggers over to the ropes, asking for a microphone.



I see it now, you are have really atoned for your misdeeds my friend, and you aren't that dark angry man anymore. You are a worthy and redeemed man- enjoy your honeymoon, you crazy guy you.


Jay hugs the Bard to a POP~!, and leaves the ring to receive medical attention, leaving SpidahBard to play to the crowd and revel in the heavenly sounds of "Believe in Angels."



Edited by ShooterJay

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Our scene as we return from the break is an interrogation room. A man sits in the dark. A detective stands over him, the light playing on his face.


Detective: Please state your full name.


Detective: And you are known in a wrestling organisation as "Mystery Eskimo"?

Man: That's right.

Detective: Now...do you know a woman by the name of Clarissa?

Eskimo: I do.

Detective: How do you know her?

Eskimo: She's the...girlfriend, lover, I don't know what...of DUBBED OUT.

Detective: And he is the man known as "Y2Jailbait".

Eskimo: Yes.

Detective: You aware of the allegations that you assaulted this woman?

Eskimo: Yeah. The first time I ever touched was in the ring last week.

Detective: Then you admit you touched her?

Eskimo: Yes but I didn't-

Detective: That'll be all for now.

Eskimo: You can't just leave! This isn't right!

Detective: I'd advise you to calm down, sir. I'll be back later. But I can tell you, with the statements of Mr."Jailbait" and Clarissa- you're looking at at least 5 years inside.


Detective: Your lawyer is here to see you. Tell him you will be submitting a guilty plea. It will make things much easier on you.


The detective leaves, holding the door open for a figure to enter. The figure is wearing a long raincoat and is wobbling back and forth. It appears to have a Bill Clinton rubber mask on.


Eskimo: What the hell?


The figure collapses, revealing Derek the Fish riding a uni-cycle, holding a broom stick with the mask on the end of it.


Eskimo: DEREK!

Derek: Hey...

Eskimo: What are you doing here?

Derek: Ah...I had...to tell you something...

Eskimo: What?

Derek: I'm not sure...I stopped off for a drink or two on the way over...

Eskimo: WHAT IS IT?

Derek: Woah, easy, don't shout...something about...

Eskimo: Jailbait? Clarissa?

Derek: Yeah! There was something going on in Jailabaits locker room...and this OAOAST camera guy was kind enough to film me listening...we have it all on tape!

Eskimo: God bless those nosey camera-bastards. What was it?

Derek: Never mind now. I've sent it to the judge who's been set for your trial. We have a meeting with him next Monday.

Eskimo: I have to stay here another week?!

Derek: Well, I got the bail money together like you said, but...

Eskimo: You spent it on booze?

Derek: Ah...yeah.

Eskimo: If I wasn't already in here for one assault...



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JR: Welcome back! Eskimo is going to be cleared! BAH GAWD!

Jesse: Why the hell does that fish help Eskimo out? He's too cool for a boring bastard like Eskimo!

JR: Jealous of the liquor?

Jesse: A little.

JR: Fans, the NA title match is usually our main event, but tonight has had to be forced down the card for that massive Stephen Joseph-Banky match. Nevertheless, this is going to be great!, in just a few moments we will have the re-match for the K-NESS vs. Kyle Landis match from License to Pin, which ended in a time limit draw.


Jesse: That’s right JR, but tonight it’s going to be a whole different game, you see, K-NESS has wrestled two matches AND has won the North American title since License to Pin, Kyle Landis on the other hand has yet to do anything, which certainly won’t help him tonight.


Ring announcer: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the North American Title, introducing first, the challenger, from Colombus, Ohio, weighting at 220 pounds, Kyle Landis!


Kyle Landis makes hid way to the ring to a chorus of boos.


Ring announcer: And his opponent, from Samar, Phillipines, weighting 221 pounds, the OAOAST North American champion, K-NESS!


A blue light centers on K-NESS as Trans Magic hits, and he walks to the ring to a huge pop from the crowd.


JR: There he is folks!, the OAOAST North American champion!, and he’s ready for action!


K-NESS removes the black towel from around his neck and enters the ring.


*Ding Ding Ding *


Landis charges but gets hiptossed, K-NESS picks him up, Irish Whip, but Kyle comes back with a dropkick to the knee!, Landis tries a Dragon Screw Leg Whip, but K-NESS reverses into an enziguri!


JR: What a kick to the head!, perhaps K-NESS could end it right there!


K-NESS covers:









2.9!!!!, Landis kick out.




JR: Bah GAWD!, K-NESS damn near broke Kyle Landis’s neck here!


K-NESS picks Landis up, TIGER SUP... NO!!!!, Landis elbows his way out, Irish Whip by Landis, but K-NESS comes back with a WESTERN LARIAT!!!


Jesse: GOOD NIGHT Mr. Landis!


JR: Kyle Landis is barely conscious, all K-NESS has to do now is finish the job!


K-NESS drags Landis to the center of the ring, picks him up, and hits the Release Tigah Suplex ’85!


K-NESS covers












*Ding Ding Ding *


Winner in 1:34, via pinfall, K-NESS



JR: Well Kyle Landis will have to head back to the gym because he was really out of shape tonight


Jesse: Exactly JR, challenging for the North American title after resting for two weeks wasn’t a very wise decision.


JR: We're only minutes away from the HUGE match to decide who will take control of IntenseZone. If you're thinking about going anywhere, you're crazier than...well, you know what.



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::Cue: Banky::


Banky, the rude country singer, recipient of an ass-kicking by Dangerous-A months ago, strolls out to the ring with his five hundred dollar cowboy hat, a Stetson of course, and a look of haughty arrogance. His own music plays him to the ring, its ornery musicality drawing even more heat upon the Bankster


::Cue: My Own Prison::


Stephen Joseph steps out and walks briskly down the stage, shedding his trench coat and tie along the way. His reaction is mixed...some Popick chants, but the ever present :Sucks!: attached to it by many a fan.



::Ding, Ding, Ding::

This match is for the General Managership and Commissionership of IntenseZone


Boos rain down, for which man, they're probably even, and Banky and Joseph lunge into combat, Banky with a hard right hand that Stephen answers with another right hand, trading blows back and forth, forth and back.


JR: They're pummeling each other right in the ring, and neither is budging

Jesse: That's what happens when things are on the line.


Banky kicks Stephen below the stomach, ending the punching contest, and already Stephen is bleeding from the mouth, a slight trickle down the right side of his cheek and neck. Banky whips Stephen towards the ropes, then drop-toe-holds him, his neck catching the middle rope, and this naturally leaves Stephen hung out to dry.


Jesse: What great tactics!


Banky runs back across the ring, getting momentum to hit a running leg attack on the back of Stephen, flipping him back into the ring. Banky goes for the first cover! Kickout at 2!


JR: Close call for Stephen Joseph right there


Banky starts trash talking, getting himself very close, pulling Popick up by his hair and being admonished for it by the ref. Stephen instinctively grabs the hand and dropkicks the right knee of banky, sending banky falling to the mat, and Stephen in position to flip him over into a cross-arm!


Banky hurriedly grabs the bottom rope, breaking the hold, and Stephen backs off. The Bankster pulls himself up in the corner, a scowl upon his face.


Popick stands there in the middle, telling Banky to shut up and get back to wrestling, or getting his ass kicked, depending on if the censors caught Stephen's potty mouth.


Bankster runs to SPEAR Popick, but Stephen Matrices to avoid the spear, and Banky slides into home...or the turnbuckle! Stephen pulls Banky back out by the legs, and then starts kicking the hands!


JR: Stephen obviously picking his body part now

Jesse: The man wants to ruin Banky's career...He plays guitar with those hands!


Stephen quits with the attack, and pulls Banky up, to whip him into the turnbuckle...Stephen charges but eats boot, and Banky then leaps from the second rope SPEARING~! Stephen down to the mat. Banky plays to the crowd, trying to get them to go for a 10 punch count...but when that fails, Banky just starts wailing on Stephen, busting him open above the eye!


Banky relents his assault on Stephen, and scales to the top rope


JR: We could be seeing a BankySault here.

Jesse: If so, Banky's got this thing won


Banky poses to the crowd, and this small time wasting allows Popick to lunge at the ropes, crotching Banky! Slowly pulling himself up, Stephen ambles over to the turnbuckle, punching and climbing to the top rope


Stephen stands with Banky on the top rope, holding Banky in a full-nelson....Stephen pulls Banky back, up and over SJ's head, and both come crashing down...FINALITY to Banky!


Stephen stands up and signals to the crowd, motion for the Synchronicity V3!


::Caboose's music begins to play::


Stephen looks up, and having just picked up Banky, turns his attention to the stage, but there is no caboose...none at all. The ref, his head being turned, doesn't see Banky go low. but the ref turns around to see Stephen lifted up.




Banky Covers.
























JR: Oh no...Banky is in Control of iZ!

Jesse: I was right all along...That's why I'm the mind, and JR, you're going to be fired!

Edited by Big Poppa Popick

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JR: Dammit! I can't believe Banky has control of IZ!

Jesse: Well you better believe JR, because things are going to change.

JR: Joseph put up one hell of a fight, but what exactly has Caboose gotten us all into here?!

Jesse: Speaking of Caboose, it looks like he's not fnished yet...


Caboose steps into the ring as Banky quits posing and leaves for the back. Caboose walks over to Joseph who is lying bloody, battered and beaten in the ring.

Caboose stands over Joseph and calls for a mic which he is handed.


Caboose: How much more do I have to do to you before you agree to fight me? Do I have to bring you within an inch of your life like you did me? Come on Joseph, where is your legendary fighting spirit gone? Where is your will to win now? Regardless, at AngleSlam I'm coming to end it all. Once and for all.


(Crowd Pops)


Caboose: You and me. No Zack. No Trinity. No Sandman. No aWo. No one else. Just you and me. But this time its for everything. Whoever loses walks away from the OAOAST FOREVER!


(Crowd Pops Huge)


JR: Oh my god!


Caboose: Thats right. At Angleslam I'm challenging you to a match. The Winner rids the OAOAST of the loser forever. You win and I'll stop coming after you. I win, and you have to leave this little world you've created for yourself. But if you don't agree to this match, I'm going to come for you everynight for the rest of you life. You owe me Joseph. You owe me six months of my career. But six months of yours wont be enough. I want it all.


(Crowd Pops, with audible boos)


Caboose: So what do you say?


Caboose places the tip of his baseball bat under Joseph's chin, and lowers the mic to Joseph's bloody mouth...


Joseph: (Cough) Your on Caboose. If its what it'll take for you to stop stalking me, then your on.


(Crowd Pops)


Caboose: Thats all I needed.


JR: Oh my! Stpehen Joseph versus Caboose at Angleslam! The loser leaves the OAOAST forever!

Jesse: This is huge!


Caboose steps back from over Joseph's body. Caboose turns away and the referee slides back into the ring to help Joseph. Caboose however turns back and brings down his Cricket Bat in Joseph's gut!


JR: Dammit Caboose, you've got your match!

Jesse: Yeah but he still hasn't got those six months back yet!


Caboose picks up Joseph and throws him over his shoulder as the referee tries to reason with Caboose. The crowd cheers and boos in anticpation of the Emerald Fusion...


JR: No don't do it!


Caboose pauses, lifts his right arm in the air and Crunch! Caboose delivers the Emerald Fusion to Stephen Joseph in the middle of the ring to yeat another loud mixed reaction!


Caboose shouts at the referee as Caboose covers Joseph...


JR: What the hell?!

Jesse: Caboose is sending a message to Joseph!


The referee looks hesitant, but counts the cover...




Caboose springs up and stares at Joseph.


Jesse: Caboose just pinned Stpehen Joseph with the Emerald Fusion!

JR: If Caboose does that at Angleslam, Joseph is gone forever!


Caboose stand over Joseph, again staring at the unconcious Joseph to both cheers and boos.


JR: BAH GAWD! It's been a hell of a night! I can't wait for next week, I can't wait for Angleslam! For Jesse Ventura, I'm Jim Ross, GOODNIGHT!

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