non-winners match feedback

[Guest vitriol]

I do, however, have this just under 2100 words that I had written. Please...someone, anyone, everyone, give me some feedback.

 

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“Welcome back, folks, we’ve got one up next that has ‘awesome’ written all over it. In an all British showdown, English Dragon takes on The Sherwood Fable, Tryst! Coming off of a hard fought loss on Wrath, Tryst is looking to bounce back and take down what I’m sure he perceives to be a newcomer to his territory.”

 

“Blah blah blah. I’m Ejiro, and I’m just supposed to argue with people because that’s what I do.”

 

Annie rubs her eyes as she awakes from the commercial break, and just stares at Ejiro, mumbling under her breath. “And they call ME weird? Hah.”

 

“English Dragon is coming off of a dq victory over Aecas. Not a pretty win, but a win nonetheless. He will look to improve his already impressive record tonight. You couldn’t ask for a more loaded one.”

 

“Dragon over Tryst, just for the hate factor. He’s one mean kick in the face, you know.”

 

“Tryst is a hero, Ejiro. He’s not about to let some depressive former asian champ keep him from realizing the oriental melody that runs the wheels in his head. He’s gonna get the chimes going and drop Dragon like the corpses of the mythical creature that he’s named for.” Annie sits back jubilantly as Judge’s eyes open as wide as they can, and Ejiro’s jaw drops.

 

“Where in the hell did THAT come from?” Ejiro waits for Annie to respond, but she doesn’t give him the time of day. “Yeah, that’s right. You don’t have anything to say anyway.”

 

“AND SO WE BEGIN!”

 

The lights black out and the crowd begins to awaken. The opening drum strikes of System of a Down’s “Forest” start to get them riled up, as they scream wildly for their hero, Tristan Whitt. He keeps them waiting for a moment before he calmly walks out from behind the stage, and the crowd explodes. He gazes back out into the crowd, soaking in the cheers from afar. His arrow-filled quiver hangs around his back and his bow is held steadfast in his right hand as he starts his decent to the ring. The fans hardly stop to breathe in between supportive yells for their champion. And he was their champion. A loss wouldn’t change that. A hundred wouldn’t. His cool blue eyes gave them a reason to believe, no matter whether they knew why or not.

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen...the following competitor stands at six feet, one inch tall, weighing in at two hundred and eighteen pounds...he hails from Bairnsdale, Britain...Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Tryyyyyyyyssssst!!!”

 

Making his way down the ramp, Tryst takes off his quiver of arrows and hands it to the timekeeper, along with his bow as he rolls into the ring and soaks in the cheers from the rhapsodic crowd. The lights fade back up to normal, and he awaits his adversary....the English Dragon.

 

“Tryst isn’t showing any adverse effects of the beating he took on Wrath, which doesn’t bode well for the English Dragon. He may be a phenomenon, but Tryst is not only as quick and intelligent as he is, but he also has the crowd on his side.” Annie gives Tryst a good look, up and down, surveying his movements. “It’s remarkable; he looks perfectly fine.”

 

Judge has a different take on the situation. “Perhaps he’s very good at hiding it,” he muses. “Or maybe he’s made of pure steel.”

 

“I’ve gotta believe that he’s hurting, big time,” Ejiro begins. “Tarakanov went to great lengths to win that title, and I don’t think anyone will even try to dispute that at this point. He put a hurt on Duran AND Tryst, and I would be very surprised if English Dragon couldn’t find a weak point to give him the edge. Of course, Tryst is an idiot, so there’s one right there.”

 

Annie rolls her eyes. “Oh, shut it, Ejiro.”

 

“Land of Hope and Glory” begins it’s haunting melody, striking at the eardrums of the crowd. They respond in kind with screaming and booing such as should be reserved for the evil of the world. English Dragon steps out from behind the stage, and begins his steady trek toward the ring.

 

“And introducing his opponent....hailing from London, England....standing at five feet eleven inches tall, and weighing in at two hundred twenty three pounds....he is a member of Urban Decay, and your Es Jay El Television Champion......Ennnnnglish Draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagon!!!”

 

He doesn’t really pay any mind to the crowd, opting instead to keep a close watch on Tristan Whitt. He walks up onto the steps, tosses his title to the timekeeper, and steps into the squared circle.

 

“This is the classic good guy v. bad guy battle. Should be a heck of a match, folks.” As Judge finishes his sentence, the ring bell is rung, and we begin. The two men begin to circle each other, looking for the edge on one another. Dragon jabs a leg in between them a few times, attempting to bait Tryst into going for it, but to no avail. At last he appears to give up and heads in just as Tryst leaps into the air with a spinning roundhouse kick. Dragon manages to avoid the blow by dropping to the mat and rolling off to the side, quickly jumping back to his feet and meeting the gaze of The Sherwood Fable as he lands. Dragon looks to the side of the ring for his butler, Robertson, having not noticed that he didn’t follow him out to the ring this time. He sees him nowhere, but Tryst uses the opportunity to get a quick kick to the stomach, and follows it up with a knee to the face. Pushing him backwards into the turnbuckle, Tryst weighs his options before deciding on some right hands. He connects, one after another with the masked face of his opponent, taking care not to lose his balance on the ropes. English Dragon starts to try and push him off, but Tryst is as quick with his mind as he is with his feet; he leaps backwards off of the turnbuckle, catching Dragon in a spiraling kick to the face as he floats to the air, landing his acrobat act with a roll on the mat.

 

“It’s peculiar that English Dragon’s butler, Robertson, isn’t out here tonight. Any word on that, Judge?”

 

“None yet, Annie, but he was spotted backstage earlier. Oddly enough, so was Tristan’s trusty Stillwell, who is also not present out here.”

 

Ejiro tries to keep from laughing hysterically, only half succeeding. He spurts out in between stifled breaths, “Sounds like....somebody made....a new...friend!”

 

“Dragon is suffering what you might call the Sherwood Effect; Tryst’s usual lightning quick start. It’s a rare day that he doesn’t quickly jump ahead in a match, and this proves to follow the rule.”

 

“Watch for Dragon to make up the difference when he gets the chance, though, Annie. He’s nearly as fast as our young hero is,” remarks Judge.

 

English Dragon stumbles forward out of the corner, but just in time for Tryst to catch him with a quick clothesline, sending him to the ground once more. He kicks him in the kneecap of his right leg a few times before rolling him over onto his stomach, and applying a single-leg boston crab. Dragon immediately begins to feel the strain on his leg, trying to pull himself away to get a grasp on the ropes. He edges closer as the crowd starts to get louder and louder in favor of their hero, the Sherwood Fable. This doesn’t seem to affect Dragon, however, as he keeps focused on his journey for the ropes until his outstretched hand gets a grasp upon it, and Tryst drops the leg. Turning around to wait for him to get back to his feet, Tryst stands ready, staring a hole through the center of English Dragon’s head. Dragon pulls himself to his feet, turns to face Tryst, and is pushed back into the ropes. Grabbing him by the arm, The Sherwood Fable sends him rushing towards the other side of the ring. As he comes speeding back, Tryst moves to the side and tries to catch him off guard, reaching his leg out and attempting a spinning sweep kick. Dragon has the presence of mind to leap over it, however, spinning forward in the air and catching himself on the top rope just long enough to send himself backwards, corkscrewing into a backflip, and as Tryst gets to his feet, he’s taken to the ground by the falling Dragon.

 

“Quick thinking by Dragon may just have put this back on an even playing field. He took a chance, and it really paid off.”

 

“It did, Judge, because he’s just plain better and smarter at this than that idiotic Tryst is. I mean, I can’t believe he has any fans. Look at him! Look at him!”

 

“Ejiro, you always back the losers! There is no doubt that Dragon is good, and he had the presence of mind to avoid that sweep. But if he’s so much better, why was he getting his ass kicked right off the bat?” Annie awaits for Ejiro to respond, but seeing as he hates her, he simply doesn’t.

 

Neither man is particularly quick to reach his feet, neither are they slow to do so. Dragon manages to get himself off of Tryst and stumbles up, taking a moment to get his composure before continuing. In the ensuing pause, Tryst is able to get to his feet and steady himself for the inevitable attack. Dragon reaches in, and they lock horns. A quick knee to the stomach catches Tryst off-guard, and Dragon spins it through into a hammerlock. Pulling up higher and higher, he reaches around Tryst’s neck and jolts backwards, sending him overhead to the mat, and holding on the hammerlock-sleeper driver combo for a pin.

 

ONE!

 

Nice move, but it won’t end this early. Not this easily.

 

TWO!

 

Tryst begins to draw his strength, thrusting his elbow backwards and catching Dragon in the temple with it.

 

Kickout!

 

Tryst rolls to the side off of Dragon, as Dragon shakes the cobwebs and gets back to his feet. Pulling Tryst back up to his, he irish whips him into the corner and follows in. Turning him around, he begins to strike at his face with right hands...one...two...three...the crowd starts to boo. Four...five...six...he pulls Tryst back, and spins him around. Facing his backside, Dragon pulls him backwards, and locks on a dragon sleeper.

 

“Yes! Yes! DRAGON sleeper! Hell, it might even be named after him!” Ejiro, filled with a joyous arrogance, cheers on the man in control. “He’s got it won! Go English Dragon!”

 

“Don’t get your hopes up, it’s early yet.” Annie surveys the action in the ring. “You know, they’re awful close to the ropes. If Tryst could get his feet on them, this would be a whole different story. Like the second story of a building, only it would be on the first floor, and nobody would understand. Nobody.”

 

“Don’t look now, but he’s stretching his feet out! He’s so, so close...” Judge almost pleads for him to get the ropes, if only to continue the match. Tryst reaches his legs out...as far as he can...and he gets his feet on the corner! The referee calls for the break, but Dragon ignores him! He won’t let the hold go! Frantically, Tryst tries to find a way out of the hold. He uses what strength he can gather and attempts to run up the corner, to try and flip over Dragon...he gets half-way there, but then Dragon slams him to the mat with a Cradle Tombstone! Dragon releases him and he falls to the mat, and Dragon tries again for a pin.

 

ONE!

 

“Dear lord, did you see that?! He turned it into a cradle tombstone! This guy rules!”

 

TWO!

 

“Agreed, that was quite an impressive display, especially considering that English Dragon is shorter than Tryst!” Judge holds his gaze steadfast in the ring, looking for any sign that Tryst can manage to get up from this. It doesn’t look good, but then he jolts and manages a kickout just before the three.

 

THRE-no!

 

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! JUST STAY DOWN!”

 

“YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!! COME ON, TRYST!”

 

“As a personal note to the viewers at home, sometimes I feel like I’m a kindergarten teacher, and there’s no recess.”

[The Amazing Rando 0]

I hoped that 4200 or so words would be enough to defeat the might Liston, but I was wrong. Oh well...here it is in all it's GLORY....bow down to it...worship it...Praise me.

 

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::Cue THX music::

 

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

…Recorded In THX Sound…

 

::Cue Dramatic Opening Montage and deep voiced announcer::

 

Touchstone Pictures Presents A Jerry Bruckheimer Film…

 

…directed by Micheal Bay…

 

::doooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnn::

 

*images appear on the SmarkTron of the various combatants*

 

…Tom Hanks…

 

*Liston uses a chair and smacks various people*

 

…Danny DeVito…

 

*Manson tosses bodies over the top rope like nobody’s business*

 

…Denis Leary…

 

*Danny Conklin drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks…and fights too*

 

…Gary Coleman…

 

*Craig McLennan lights his lighter*

 

…”Weird” Al Yankovic…

 

*Bloodshed/Apostle is shown doing destructive things like beating up people, setting things on fire, and taking the last slice of pizza*

 

…also staring…

 

June Lockhart as ‘Judge Mental’ William Hearford III

Lassie as Ejiro Fasaki

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Annie Eclectic

 

*various shots of the announce team, including any point in which Annie drooled, made suggestive comments, or slapped Judge or Ejiro*

 

…and introducing…

 

 

 

 

 

…Cutthroat as Dominic Korgath….

 

*Dominic Korgath beats up everyone smaller than him*

 

….

 

….

 

…Ladies and Gentlemen…

 

 

 

CALVINBALL …… THE MOVIE ……

 

 

The SmarkTron switches to a shot of the roof of the Bank of America Arena, showing off various camera crews and trailers in the background along with a huge ring set up in the middle.

 

In a cameo appearance, WWE Wrestler Edge appears in the ring sporting an SJL referee shirt to play the role of Sexton Hardcastle. He smiles a bit to Michael Bay, who looks confused as to why he actually decided to do this project in the first place.

 

Micheal: Alright, Edge…you know your lines and everything right?

 

 

Edge: Yeah…I’m a wrestler…I know what I am doing!

 

Michael: ….rrrrrrright.

 

The set quiets down for a moment.

 

Michael: Calvinball…Scene One…Take One…ACTION!

 

The scene switches to Judge, Annie, and Ejiro behind an SJL desk, all prim and proper.

 

Judge: Today will be a great day for a fight…even though I do not approve of this sort of thing at all. These boys ought to be ashamed of themselves…right Lassie…

 

Ejiro: WOOF~!

 

Michael Bay loses his mind.

 

Michael: CUT!! Listen June…you have to just read the script…that’s all we ask. Don’t condone the men in the ring…just read the freaking script! That’s all I ask!

 

June: Fine…fine…I better get my money though, bitch.

 

Michael: Alright…whatever…Calvinball…Scene One…Take Two…

 

Judge: Today will be a great day for a fight, right Ejiro?

 

Ejiro: WOOF!

 

Micheal: Ehhh…I’ll let it slide…

 

Annie: Too day es going to be a great day…as these men will try to win my affffffection and take my haht…even though I am lhesbin…

 

Michael: …

 

The scene switches to referee Sexton Hardcastle and the REAL Funyon for introductions. The cameras zoom around at a quick pace to catch the action as Funyon reads from his prepared script.

 

Funyon: Ladies and Gentlemen…the following is a CALVINBALL MATCH-UP~!

 

Introducing first…from Hershey Park, Pennsylvania….he is THE CHOCOLATE DISCO DEMON…..Jimmy Liston~!

 

Tom Hanks comes out from behind the curtain, dressed up all kinds of Liston-like, walking slowly and carrying a box of chocolates. He jumps in the ring, holding his chocolates out for Funyon and Sexton…then he grabs the mic…

 

Liston: Hello…my name is Liston…Jimmy Liston. And I’d like to tell you that my mama always said that Calvinball was like a box of chocolates…you never know what you are gonna get.

 

Funyon takes the mic back quickly as Liston sits in the corner and eats a chocolate or two.

 

Funyon: Yeah…uhmmm…next up…from YOUR Local Bar….he is a complete and utter asshole but all the fans love him…he is Danny Conklin~!

 

Denis Leary walks out, smoking a cigarette and drinking. He flips off the camera but then remembers his character…running around like a drunken maniac before diving in the ring and slapping Liston across the back.

 

Funyon: dear god…I mean…I mean…next…from Kentucky Fried Chicken….he is CRAIG MCLENNAN~!

 

Gary Coleman appears from the other side of the set and walks out…but Michael Bay jumps up.

 

Michael: CUT! GARY! You have to come out from the OTHER SIDE~! YOU MORON!

 

Gary: Hey! Shut up, foo! I’ll eat you alive…BIATCH~!

 

Michael: I’ll replace you with Webster~!

 

Gary: …AH!

 

Gary runs around the other side of the ring and gets ready.

 

Michael: Jesus…Alright…Calvinball…Scene One…Take Three…GO!

 

Funyon: …next…from Kentucky Fried Chicken…he is CRAIG MCLENNAN!

 

Gary Coleman comes out from the right side of the set this time, rushing the ring and diving in all cool like…but his shortness doesn’t help as he almost kills himself on the apron. Michael almost calls cut but repents…asking Funyon to continue.

 

Funyon: And now…from somewhere between Heaven and Hell…he is the Apostle!

 

“Weird Al” appears and waltzes out, laughing maniacally. He jumps in the ring and smacks Gary Coleman down with his accordian, to which Michael and a few others simply laugh. Gary looks pissed.

 

Funyon: And finally…the fattest man to be in the this movie…. Dominic KORGATH~!

 

From the entranceway comes Cutthroat…padded in a sumo suit and waddling gingerly out to the ring.

 

Judge: Look at Dominic…so much power!

Ejiro: WOOF~!

Annie: Exactly, Ejiro…he’s gonna be tough to beat here…

 

After Korgath flops into the ring, the match is officially underway. The men stare at each other for a moment before Korgath does a super waddle attack to Craig, knocking him down on his back.

 

Korgath: SUMO~!

 

Funyon: This match is a Sumo Match!

 

The other wrestlers tear off their gear to reveal lovely sumo-esque gear, barely covering their soldiers. Conklin is hesistant about letting out his irish boy, but follows suit only to get tossed out of the ring by a very pale Jimmy Liston, who smacks him in the head violently with the box of chocolates.

 

Liston: You will respect me! You will listen to me!

 

Conklin lands in a heap on the outside, where apparently the script tells him to drink a beer and check out some fine looking extras in the second row, who oblige him with a kiss on the cheek and a quick look at his manhood.

 

Back in the ring, Manson has just dodged a huge sumo attack from Korgath and Craig, only to reach the ref and scream…

 

Manson: Bad Joke Telling!

 

The ref signals to Funyon.

 

Funyon: This match is a Bad Joke Telling Match. Worst Joke by audience response may be deemed the win-

 

Funyon is cut off as Manson is knocked out of the ring by Liston, again with the elegantly tasting yet deadly chocolates. Liston tries hard to remember his lines, but gets it out good enough.

 

Liston: This match is now a street fight…

 

Michael Bay calls for a cut to end the first scene, and the wrestlers all run back to costuming to get in their costumes for the street fight part of the contest.

 

Michael: Get that crane up there for this shot…we need to make it good. I want this morph from sumo to street to be FLAWLESS….

 

 

…DO YOU HEAR ME?

 

A few yes men run off in various directions, almost colliding with one another like a bad movie scene, and all run off to make sure their bosses’ wishes are met.

 

After a few moments the crane can be seen in position as the wrestlers return to the ring and get in their places, now clad in street fighting gear, with Liston tossing out his box of chocolates for a brick and now wielding a baseball bat.

 

 

Michael: Alright… ACTION~!

 

Manson looks a bit worried and signals for a cut, which Michael obliges.

 

Michael: What Danny?

 

DeVito: Umm…I don’t do my own stunts…I read the script and I know this part gets bloody.

 

Michael: Fine…STUNT DOUBLE~!

 

From out back comes Henry Rollins, decked out in Manson-like street gear. He pushes DeVito aside.

 

Rollins: Just give me the part, Michael…

 

Michael: Hmm…we’ll see…

 

Bay screams across the roof at a little tent, from which Jerry Bruckheimer emerges…counting cash.

 

Jerry: WHAT?! I’m busy counting!

 

Michael: Well…sir…Rollins wants DeVito’s part…

 

Jerry: Fine……as long as it makes me money…

 

Michael: Alright…Rollins you’re in …DeVito you’re out…we’ll clean it up in post…seeya later…

 

DeVito: Oh I don’t think so…

 

DeVito turns and kicks Rollins in the crotch, dropping him down to the canvas. DeVito goes for a followup death kick, but Henry rolls down onto his stomach and out of the ring. DeVito looks around for a moment and runs toward the opposite ropes…bouncing off and rushing across the ring and hitting a fatass baseball slide, which only grazes Rollins as he tries to move out of the way.

 

Rollins: It’s time to kill Smoochy…

 

Rollins leans back and connects with a hard kick right to DeVito’s chin that sends him reeling backwards. Rollins follows up with a hard rush and irish whips DeVito toward the edge. Danny struggles to keep his balance on the edge as Rollins inches closer…

 

Rollins: I’m sorry…but we feel we want to go another direction with this part…

 

DeVito: Another direction?

 

Rollins: Yeah…straight down…

 

With that quip out of the way…Rollins simply pushes DeVito over the edge and down to the pavement below…where everyone is sure he perished.

 

Michael: Well…uhmmm….fine…Rollins…you win the part. Good job. Really…

 

Rollins: Thanks, Mr. Bay…

 

Rollins takes his place in the ring and stares at the other men as Jerry returns to his tent to count his cash. Michael signals for the camera to get ready once more.

 

Michael: Alright…ACTION!

 

Manson immediately attacks Conklin…as per the script…and drops him with a hard clothesline, almost causing Conklin to drop his beer. Conklin jumps up and takes a big swig.

 

Conklin: Hey…I drink and drink and drink and drink…and THEN I fight…

 

Danny tosses his beer at Liston, who is busy trying to catch a frightened Craig McLennan, who also can’t seem to find his lighter. Craig rushes out of the ring and runs underneath the apron.

 

Judge: He didn’t even need to duck!

Ejiro: WOOF!!

Annie: Good point, Ejiro.

 

Liston tries to follow, but as he lifts the apron up a blast from a fire extinguisher flings him backwards and over the barricade into the crowd of extras. Michael Bay makes his cameo in his own film, holding up a “Praise Me” sign to try and be witty and cool about his massive ego.

 

Craig tries to follow into the crowd, but can’t exactly reach the top of the barricade. Michael can be seen on camera briefly signaling to cut to another part of the ring as two extras try to help Craig over the barricade.

 

The scene switches to Korgath, who is still waddling around the ring and letting the others bounce off him like they are pinballs.

 

Judge: Will anyone be able to knock him down?

Annie: I don’t think so, Judge!

Ejiro: WOOF!

Judge: Oh come on…he’s not even in the match!

Ejiro: WOOF!

Judge: …hadn’t thought about that…but I think David Arquette is busy filming some new movie about giant lobsters…so there is no way he could interfere!

Ejiro: WOOF!

Judge: Vacation? Another good point…you are on fire tonight…

Ejiro: Woof………

Judge: You are welcome.

Annie: Look at that!

 

The Apostle has been lifted into the air by Manson and is being spun like a top, but before Manson can drop him he is kicked in the gut hard by Danny and dropping with a DDT…but the Apostle also falls down to the mat with an audible thud that will most likely be made a lot louder in post production.

 

The crowd is paid to be JACKED at this point, as they start to scream loudly for Danny, who does his best ‘i’m not drunk’ impression and tries to pin Liston…

 

1…..

 

 

2…..

 

 

Broken up by Korgath who simply squashes both men under his padding! Another pin!

 

1….

 

 

 

 

2….

 

 

Broken up by Apostle!

 

Judge: Dominic almost won, there!

Ejiro: Woof!

Annie: I know…I hate this time of the month too…

 

Michael Bay can be seen watching intently, happy with the first series of nearfalls. Suddenly the scene switches back to Liston and Craig, who are fighting through the crowd and absolutely being brutal on each other…with Liston apparently busted open.

 

Judge: Craig must have busted Liston open!

Ejiro: WOOF!

Judge: You are right, Ejiro…that must be painful!

Annie: Be quiet…or watch my wrath…

 

Michael shrugs off Annie’s last comment and watches the fight, while in the background the other men have all ganged up on Korgath, though them bouncing off his padding probably won’t look good until after the editing.

 

Liston is down on his knees now, begging off Craig McLennan is one of the many comedy segments of tonight’s movie, due to the fact that even on his knees, Jimmy Liston is still taller than Craig.

 

Judge: Look at that monster McLennan…he could kill Jimmy Liston!

Ejiro: WOOF~!

 

Craig moves in for the kill, but Liston was only playing possum as he swings up and connects with a lowblow that drops Craig down an extra six inches or so and puts him in a whole wide world of hurt.

 

Craig: I just pissed myself! CUT!

 

Michael cuts and pushes Coleman into his trailer, where he emerges a few moments later in a fresh diaper. The Apostle resists the urge to sing a little song, but instead opts to simply smile and wave as Coleman gets back in position.

 

Michael: ACTION~!

 

The scene goes back to Craig and Liston, and Liston once again goes for the lowblow, which connects without problem, and Craig stumbles to the floor a good foot and a half. Liston jumps up and wipes the blood from his face before heading back toward the ring, where Korgath has now regained control and is coming off the ropes with a huge splash on the Apostle. Pin!

 

1….

 

 

 

2….

 

 

Broken up by Liston who is just able to get in the ring and hank Korgath’s rough and tough body from off the Apostle.

 

Liston: Wait…isn’t this elimination?

 

Funyon: This match is now an Elimination Street Fight…

 

Liston smiles and grabs the Apostle’s accordian and hits Korgath hard, who falls back down and bounces up a bit before coming to rest in a heap, a bit of blood seeping from his forehead.

 

Liston dives down and makes the cover, smothering Korgath with his forearm.

 

1….

 

 

 

2….

 

 

 

 

3!!!!

 

 

Funyon: Korgath…by current rules…is now ELIMINATED FROM THIS CONTEST~!

 

Cutthroat looks pissed as he exits the ring, checking the script in his bodysuit only to realize that Liston was actually just doing his job. Cutthroat returns to his trailer…still pissed off anyway.

 

CT: cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutthroatcutcutcutCUTTHROAT~!

 

Michael: Ummm..yeah…ACTION~!

 

The action resumes with Manson lifting up the Apostle and carrying him to the corner, setting him up for a huge superplex. From behind he is stopped by a recovered Danny Conklin.

 

Danny: Let’s get a table for this a**hole…

 

Manson smiles as Danny leaves the ring and grabs a table from underneath. Michael Bay can be seen looking confused…but luckily the Apostle doesn’t care about doing his own stunts.

 

After a moment of setting the table up, Manson finishes the job by falling back and going for the superplex…but the table doesn’t break!

 

Michael: CUTTTTTTTT!

 

CT: You rang!?

 

Michael: Get out of here!

 

Michael assesses the damage and calls for another table, which is set up in almost record time.

 

Michael: And…AC-

 

Suddenly Ben Hardy appears on the set, wielding a microphone and looking for an interview with the director. Michael doesn’t look happy, but caves in when he remembers how much he is being paid.

 

Michael: LUNCH BREAK~!

 

That call sends all on the set rushing for the food cart, while Michael turns to address Ben.

 

Michael: You want an interview?

 

Ben: Yes sir…very much so…

 

Michael: Well you’ve got a few minutes…ask away…

 

Ben: Okay…so what does it feel like to be working for us?

 

Michael: It’s been okay so far…not too much trouble in the setup…though the execution has had it’s moments…you haven’t seen Danny DeVito have you?

 

Ben: No…why?

 

Michael: Nevermind…

 

Ben: Okay…is there anyone you wish you would have gotten to play a certain part…

 

Michael: Well we tried to get Sylvester Stallone to play Manson, but he turned us down to be in Rocky VI vs. Rambo 4: The Pronunciation Battle To End All Battles…so we had to get DeVito instead. …and we were looking forward to working with Colin Quinn as Danny, but we had to settle on Denis Leary.

 

Suddenly a bottle comes flying from out of nowhere and narrowly misses Michael’s head.

 

Denis: You son of a bitch!

 

Michael: Sorry Denis…but you rock anyway…

 

Denis: You better fucking believe I do!

 

Denis tosses another bottle that hits Ben in the face.

 

Michael: And now you’re getting a raise!

 

Denis: Ohh….let me get this keg…

 

Ben: NO~!

 

Before either man knows what is going on, Ben Hardy…with blood streaming down his face…is rushing in the opposite direction, praying that he has fulfilled his contractual obligation for an interview with Michael Bay.

 

Michael: Alright…Lunch is OVER!

 

The men come back and take their places.

 

Michael: ACTION!

 

The fight is back on, with cameras catching Conklin as he attacks the recovering McLennan, but Conklin is actually pulled off of Craig by the Apostle, who pushes him away.

 

Apostle: Let me…

 

The Apostle turns and kicks Craig down, pouncing on him and attacking, seemingly trying to injure him in the center of the ring.

 

Apostle: FIRST BLOOD ELIMINATION~!

 

Funyon: This match is now First Blood Elimination!

 

Apostle winds up and punches Craig as hard as he can and busts him open…sending blood dripping down his face…

 

Funyon: Craig McLennan has been eliminated!

 

Gary Coleman rolls out of ring and heads for his trailer, clutching his forehead.

 

Conklin: Bar Fight!

 

Funyon: This match is now a Bar Room Brawl!

 

Michael: CUT! Good work…

 

The remaining wrestlers exit the ring as a Bar set is brought in, and then they retake their positions.

 

Michael: Calvinball…Scene Three…Bar Fight…Action!

 

The men all begin to attack one another with various bar room essentials, except Conklin who is drinking at the bar…and Manson and Liston who seem to be playing pool. Off in the corner is the Apostle, beating his head against the wall repeatedly.

 

Judge: The Apostle is really punishing himself…and look at Manson go! 4 Ball in the corner!

Ejiro: WOOF~!

Judge: I don’t care if you think he should have used English on that or not…

Annie: Would you two be quiet…I can’t hear Danny drinking…

 

Danny is chugging away when all the sudden Liston realizes that they should be fighting and swings his pool cue around, smacking Danny across the back and knocking him loopy for a moment, but as he regains his composure his fighting spirit comes out.

 

Danny: You spilled my beer…you are in deep trouble now…

 

Danny stands up…looking to cause some serious damage to Jimmy Liston, who backs up and runs into the pool table, messing up a shot from Manson.

 

Manson: Hey!

 

Both men now turn their attention to Liston, who can barely think straight…

 

Suddenly he blurts out…

 

Liston: Freeze Tag!

 

Funyon: Freeze Tag is ON!

 

Liston quickly smacks Manson and Danny, leaving them frozen in their places.

 

Liston: Don’t break the rules or you could be DQed…

 

Danny: That’s not a rule…

Liston: Shit…

 

Danny and Manson simply give chase to Liston, caring not about the freeze tag rules and more about possibly dropping Liston’s body through the pool table. Liston is stopped dead in his tracks as he rounds the bar by the Apostle, who’s bloody face and seemingly wild hair has caught him off guard.

 

Liston: GWAH…

 

Ejiro: Woof!

Judge: Yeah it scares me too, Ejiro…

 

Liston backs up right into Danny and Manson, who lift him up and carry him toward the table.

 

Michael: STUNT TABLE!

 

Everyone freezes as workers bring in a table that is a bit more easily breakable and run out of frame.

 

Michael: ACTION!

 

The two men continue to carry him as the Apostle watches on…laughing…

 

Liston: NO!!

 

Both men lift him high and drop him down through the table hard…breaking the cheap wood and sending it around the bar.

 

Danny: Make this pinfall elimination so I can get rid of this a**hole…

 

Funyon: Pinfall Elimination ON!

 

Danny falls on top of Liston, laughing…

 

1….

 

 

 

2….

 

 

 

 

BROKEN UP BY MANSON!

 

Ejiro: WOOF!

Judge: Oh my god is right, Ejiro!

Annie: What is going on?

 

Manson lifts up Danny and drops him face first across the bar and follows up with a pinfall attempt…

 

1…..

 

 

 

2…..

 

 

The Apostle watches and smiles….

 

 

3!!

 

 

Funyon: Danny Conklin is ELIMINATED!

 

Denis looks pissed off, but a smile comes across his face as he gets out of frame, knowing that he worked his character beautifully and did Danny proud.

 

Judge: All that is left is Manson, Jimmy Liston, and the Apostle!

Ejiro: WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!

 

Ejiro goes running around the announce booth.

 

Judge: What’s that…Timmy’s stuck in a well….wait wait…no…I don’t think Manson is going to win this match…he doesn’t have the spice….and I don’t care if Mr. Hooper’s house is burning down, Ejiro!

Ejiro: WOOF!

Annie: Listen to the man, Judge!

Judge: Shut up, Annie…I swear to Todd…shut up!

Annie: I’ll beat you into mush…

 

Judge jumps up and gets in Annie’s face, but Annie simply winds back and punches Judge in the jaw, knocking him down and momentarily out. Ejiro jumps up on Annie’s lap and curls into a ball.

 

Annie: Good boy, Ejiro…good boy…

 

Michael Bay slaps his forehead and goes back to the match…where Manson, The Apostle, and Liston are staring each other down, no-one making a move toward each other…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…when Danny DeVito RETURNS~!

 

From out of the roof exit comes DeVito, looking pissed that Henry Rollins threw him off the roof. He rushes the set causing the scene to stop and gets right in Rollins’ face.

 

DeVito: I can’t believe you…I can’t believe you!

Rollins: What? I wanted the part and you took it just to spite me…

DeVito: You threw me off the roof, moron! I almost died! Look at all this blood!

 

Danny opens up his jacket to show off his many injuries which were sustained during the fall, but somehow he is still able to walk.

 

The camera switches to Bruckheimer…

 

Jerry: That’s movie magic, folks…

 

Back to Rollins and DeVito, as arena and movie security is trying to break the two men up, but unsuccessfully. Finally Michael steps in…

 

Michael: Listen boys…Rollins has to finish this match now…because he has been in most of it and has done a pretty good job. But DeVito…if you want to punch him in the face right now on camera we’ll put it at the end of the credits…okay?

 

DeVito: Fine…you sorry sack of –

 

Michael: Danny…

 

DeVito: Fine…fine…

 

Michael sets up the camera and turns it on…just as DeVito catches Rollins completely off guard and knocks him to the ground. After a moment he gets up and walks back to his position, and DeVito heads back to his trailer.

 

Michael: Alright people…it’s time to set up the finale…here we go…ACTION…

 

The men return to their staredown…when suddenly the Apostle pipes up…

 

Apostle: Don’t break the sugarbowl….

 

Funyon: Don’t Break The Sugarbowl…starting NOW….

 

The three men in the ring, the announcers, everyone…all go silent to see exactly who will break the sugarbowl and be eliminated next…

 

All is quiet…eerily quiet…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BOOM!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EXPLOSION!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EVERYONE DIES!

 

 

Huge explosions rock the arena roof as every trailer begins to be engulfed in fire, all the equipment sorts out and explodes…tents, food carts, everything going up in flames. The ring and the bar set suddenly EXPLODE and blow bodies all over the place, leaving nothing to stay alive.

 

When the smoke clears…only Danny DeVito can be seen, standing in the middle of the arena roof…

 

 

Danny: I did it! I won! WOOOOOOOOO-

 

Suddenly a falling piece of the ring drops on Danny, crushing him to death.

 

THE END??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Somewhere…

 

In Another Part Of The Arena…

 

The Apostle stands with a camera in his face…behind him can be seen Manson, Jimmy Liston, Dominic Korgath, Danny Conklin, and a very bloody Craig McLennan…along with Judge, Ejiro, and Annie…all tied up together in a corner.

 

The Apostle looks into the camera and smiles…holding up a small book that reads:

 

”Calvinball The Movie Script”

 

He opens it to the last page and shows it to the camera. All that can be read is…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“THE APOSTLE WINS.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE END!

 

 

 

 

As the credits roll... "Calvinball" by "Weird Apostle" Yankovic plays in the background...

 

Calvinball....

The greatest sport of all time

The winner gets the glory

The loser doesn't get a dime

 

Calvinball...

Changing the way your life is led

At the top of the moutain

You're alive

But when those rules change again

You're better...off...DEAD!

 

Calvinball...

The greatest match ever made...

Calvinball...

This is the part where Grappler's sis gets laid... (OH YEAH)

 

 

...CALVINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNBALLLLLLLLLLLLL~! (YES!)

 

Calvinball: The Movie CREDITS

 

Starring:

 

Manson 1 …… Danny DeVito

Manson 2 …… Henry Rollins

Craig McLennan …… Gary Coleman

Apostle …… “Weird Al” Yankovic

Jimmy Liston …… Tom Hanks

Danny Conklin …… Denis Leary

Korgath …… Cutthroat

 

Also Starring:

 

Judge …… June Lockhart

Ejiro …… Lassie

Annie Eclectic …… Arnold Swarzenegger

Sexton Hardcastle …… Edge

Funyon …… Himself

 

Featuring:

 

Michael Bay …… Himself

Jerry Bruckheimer …… Himself

Ben Hardy …… Himself

The Real Wrestlers …… Themselves

The Real Winner …… The Apostle

 

Special Thanks:

 

Thoth & Tom – For creating this match

Jerry & Michael – For producing and directing

Apostle – For winning

Everyone Else – For losing

 

No actors, actresses, or dogs were harmed in the writing of this match.

No wrestlers were harmed in the writing of this match – except Craig.

 

Copyright 2003 SJL Enterprises.

 

Thoth is a pretty hate machine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Praise me.