Random wrestling rant

[Guest]

Hey,

 

I just thought I'd post a copy of my first ever daily/weekly/biweekly/whenever I can be arsed column for the website mentioned in my signature. Apologies if this is in the wrong forum, but I wasn't too sure which subject matter it fell in to.

 

It's on wrestling, wrestling sims and general stuff, and new columns will be posted soon so check it out if you can! Please give me any feedback:

 

 

Greetings strangers!

 

After endless emails, countless phone messages, and unlimited text messages I’ve finally put finger to keyboard and been persuaded to write a column for my favourite website, after crackwhoreanalchicks.com, mafc2000. Mike the website owner tried everything he could to get my thoughts here – he begged, he pleaded, he threatened, he bribed, he even blackmailed (I still want those photos of me and the farm animals back please Mike). Eventually I agreed because to be brutally honest with you I felt sorry for him; so here I am.

Officially I’m here to give you my opinions on the wonderful world of professional wrestling and wrestling simulators, but I’ll also be commenting on anything else that takes my fancy. Before I begin I thought I’d briefly introduce myself: I’m 21, live in Manchester in the United Kingdom, am a student at University, am interested in all sports except kabaddi, am particularly interested in wrestling (men’s professional and female mud), I spend too much time playing computer games with my right-handed mouse and have an unhealthy addiction to collecting internet porn with my left-handed mouse (12GB and counting!). Enough about me………

 

Mourning The Sad Death

First of all I can’t progress my debut column without touching upon last weeks distressingly grave news. The awful news that shook my fine country, nay my fine world, to its very core. The painful news that a special person who was so close to everyone’s heart had sadly passed away. The poignant news that this person’s body had finally given way, albeit expectedly, and although they may no longer be present in body, they will always remain with us in spirit. The terrible news that yes Dudley Moore had finally popped his clogs. A fine man and a fine actor. Oh come on, the Queen Mother has been dead for years; they’ve just been wheeling around a stuffed corpse every time she’s needed at a special occasion. And even in her final years she was more robot than human, in fact she didn’t even die of natural causes – she just short fused.

 

Other World News

In other World news, the Middle East is still on the map………just. Osama Bin Laden is still out, camping in the Afghanistan caves………just. My girlfriend still hasn’t found the hidden porn movies on my computer………yet.

 

Wrestling Stuff

Well the WWF had the WCW invasion angle – and they blew it. The WWF had the nWo angle – and they blew it. Now it’s time for the roster split or “brand extension” and surely the WWF writing team can’t @#%$ this one up, or can they? As head writer I’m sure Stephanie McMahon will give it has bust, I mean best, shot. Personally I’m going to reserve judgement for a couple of weeks to see how the trades pan out because at the moment the rosters are uneven and there doesn’t seem to be much distinction between the two. It was my understanding that one roster would focus upon Flair’s wrestling and one would centre around McMahon’s sports entertainment. No doubt I’ll go into more detail what I would have done before, during and after the draft another time. But no matter what, as long as I get a dose of Stacy Keibler at least once a week I’ll be a happy man. Speaking of which, I hope to the T&A god high above that she doesn’t get the standard WWF Diva implants now she’s been “injured”, I can easily handle pancake tits with THOSE legs; plus if she got coconut hooters she’ll look like all the other wrestling sluts on our screens.

In other wrestling news: Stone Cold Peeved Austin has been no-showing due to the lack of attention his character has received from the writers *cough* Stephanie *cough*, Triple H has been bitching about the other WWF superstars in production meetings, the nWo angle appears to have already run out of steam (a bit like Nash and Hall in general really), rumour has it that there will be some new signings to either/both RAW and Smackdown! rosters (Eddie Guerrero and Rey Misterio apparently have their lightweight feet in the door, plus others), the sets and production of RAW and Smackdown! are apparently having a makeover, and Hulk Hogan is now the oldest person in the world since the Queen Mum has tapped out.

 

Wrestling Simulators

With this being my first column, yes I was a internet columnist virgin before you fumbled around and broke my virtual hymen, this time around I’ll just give you a definition of wrestling simulators and won’t confuse you or myself by getting too deeply involved. Basically wrestling sims (depending on the sim style) give the gamer the opportunity to either pit wrestlers against each other and view the match outcome move-by-move, control the career of a wrestler and take him to the top through role-play, control the career of a wrestler and take him to the top through an online interface and chat, or take control of a whole wrestling federation and manage everything from the rosters to the shows.

Recently the wrestling sim world has been a quiet place with very few quality releases and a decreasing interest in the scene, but the future now looks very bright with some excellent programs in the pipeline. In my next column I’ll go back in time and take you through the games that are already out there for your enjoyment, and following that I’ll explain just why the outlook for wrestling sims is looking better than Trish Stratus sliding down a greasy fireman’s pole.

 

I’m going to sign off now because there’s more porn to download and I’ve got to dig out my Queen Mother commemorative plate and put it up for auction on e-bay. Until next time………

 

Goodbye, my new friends!

[Guest hardyz1]

It sucks and it belongs in the Smark Krew folder.

[Guest DrTom]

That was quite possibly the worst imitation of Eric S's columns I've ever seen.  There was nothing even remotely redeeming anywhere in there.

 

At least put it in the right folder next time, and inflict it on people who are misguided enough to seek out this kind of stuff.

[Guest kkktookmybabyaway]

I dunno. I laughed. Although I think I laughed for the wrong reasons.

 

Some advice: Hide the porn, get an original style, never post in here again (there's other forums to get made fun of here regarding your columns).

[Guest The Man in Blak]

I think the funniest part was who he was emulating.  Why, oh why would you want to imitate Eric's stuff?

 

Outside of that, though, this really just should have been in the trash folder.

[Guest RetroRob215]

Oh come on, the Queen Mother has been dead for years; they’ve just been wheeling around a stuffed corpse every time she’s needed at a special occasion. And even in her final years she was more robot than human, in fact she didn’t even die of natural causes – she just short fused.

I found that part very funny because it is so true.