TDS' County Fair Bullshit

[Guest The Decadent Slacker]

“The White City, that’s a joke of a name/It’s a black, violent place, if I remember the game/I couldn’t wait get out, but I love to go home, to remember the White City fighting.”-Pete Townshend, White City.

 

First off, this is belated, as the fair ended about a week ago. Second, my camera chose to fucking die, therefore no pics (which is too bad, since these people were worth it).

 

A little backstory: I was best friends with this girl (best friends=despite my efforts, I wasn’t getting any further) & some of her friends. I write a story for this girl-a pseudo Hannibal Lecter/Tarantino deal-which sucked, but she enjoyed thoroughly (it’s posted here somewhere, but not worth the link). Anyway, 4-5 months later, I end up accidently pissing off one of her friends, with whom I was very close, by revealing a little too much about her in one of my writings. My friend decides to play both sides while the pissed off girl goes to the school & friends go to the school with this story, claiming I was “stalking” them (despite not knowing where they lived, worked, & best of all, me not owning a car much less a license at the time). After doing this, they went to the girl of my dreams, & persuaded her that this story was about HER. This then came to their parents, boyfriends, etc. (since I was magically now stalking all 5 of these girls, 2 of whom I didn’t know beyond their name), who took it upon themselves to form a lynch mob (that isn’t a joke or hyperbole-it was a mob of 15-20 people) & make sure the school expelled me, without even asking my side of it. So as I spent the night, waiting for my house to get La Bianca-ed in the early morning, the school & the powers that be made the bold proclamation that I could “never attend public school in CA again,” which is bullshit, but I digress.

 

The main problem? The town the school is in has only 1300 people, the county in which I live has barely 12000 TOTAL in the combined city population, & every one of them thought & still thinks I’m some homicidal psycho with an evil agenda. The aforementioned shit happened in June, & after I swore off the world & retooled my life, which included finding an awesome school in Southern CA (where I’m going the end of the month).

 

Now, to August. I marked my return date as the local fair (years of being a wrestling fan has forever skewed my outlook life, so I plan “angles” by accident). I needed to get back out into the fucking county, even though I look forward to only seeing in at least once a year on Christmas, to show that I’m alive & still am better than everyone (the incident taught me arrogance, vanity, & character development…fuck wrestling for messing me up so). So, I made it known to those I could still trust that I was indeed back, & ready to leave the past behind me &, who knows, maybe forgive the world. So in preparation, I made sure to look totally different. Gone was the “Shakespeare, Dickens, Melville, Foley” shirt. Gone were the shitty sunglasses. Gone was the look I’d created over the last few years (termed by a friend as “the decadent slacker”, which he ripped off from a description of Raven, & I ripped off for my own personal use), & in came…well, shit…but surprisingly nice shit. Nice glasses, the HHH ‘99-’00 hat, an outfit that looked like a cross between ‘80s Flair fashion, a Jimmy Buffet album cover, & “Chasing Amy” Ben Affleck (shut up). I thought I looked stupid, but people said it worked, so I went with it. For an insurance policy, botched a dive into the pool to give me a minor knee injury. Why? So I could carry a fucking cane. Not only since canes rule, but I felt I should need protection just in case.

 

The fair was crowded the first night, as usual. Every fat, white trash stereotype mixed with the classis Latino stereotype & the classic casino Indian type. The mullets were worn like…well, mullets. Everyone had a mullet: little kids (I never got why you’d give your kid a mullet), the minorities (save African American, since we have like 6 in the county), the lesbians, the elderly-everyone. Kinda depressing. The vendors sold their overpriced fair shit (including a Hulk that looked like a blowup doll), the food was bad to mediocre, & best of all, I was surrounded by people I knew who didn’t recognize me.

 

My first stop my yearly mocking of the republicans. Why? It’s just too easy. Last year’s “America is a one world order, bah Gawd (yes, he said “Bah Gawd”)” quote still brings a bit of laughter. Anyway, after leaving after getting the boring guy, I went to the democrat booth. It should be noted that the republican booth is a lavish, awesome site, with it’s marble elephant & GW Bush cardboard standup. It should also be noted that the democrat booth was run by 2 middle aged people & only had a sign saying “Democrats of <my county>“ made out of construction paper. Next stop was, of course, the ever faithful carnies. Now, i'm sure you've all seen the carnies: either really fat or skinnier than Calista Flockhart on heroin, 4 teeth for every 20 of them, a smell of tobacco mixed with urine & Jim Beam. I always go through & take in the local color with an ample dose of carnival folk, so i risked being hasseled by them. I provoked one guy by accident by refusing to buy some of those fucking darts to throw at the half full balloons (his classic line: "Buy a dart or i'll do ya momma!", which was funny at the time). Next came people slowly recognizing me, which i finally decided was fine based on the fact that fear of an asskicking coupled with agorofobia in an area that has barely 12000 people is fucking stupid. Hit on a girl (my semi girl friend no showed, so when in Rome...), which didn't go well, but it was more than i'd done in months, which i'm sure you care about.

 

So to cut out the boring shit, I just made fun of people & met up with some old friends who recognized me. Which reminds me: the whole current punk movement…is looking like a gay S&M fetishist a mandatory thing if you’re a guy? I mean, I have nothing against the punk movement (save the fact it doesn’t mean shit anymore), but I just can’t take guys with fishnets on any part of their anatomy seriously, & I therefore make fun of them. The point of punk, I always thought, was to be different. If everyone is being different, doesn’t that make you the norm, therefore negating individuality? Not to mention I have no respect for those punks who 1) look like Good Charlotte, which is all here in this fucking county, pretty much & 2) name-drop Blink 182, AFI & others, yet not know who the Sex Pistols are. There. I don't give a fuck on whether you disagree or not. But anyway, these friends had evolved into a dominatrix (really) & 3 punks who looked more like extras in Jeff Hardy's production of the "Rocky Horror Picture Show". Fun. We discussed music ("Dude, the Ramones aren't punk. Punk is shit like Thomas Dolby" one really fucking said this. i hate this place), politics, wrestling ("Remember when we watched WM9? Dude, that Hogan kicks ass!"), & of course, livestock ("We should release all the goats & let them outbreed the human race!"). After roughly 20 minutes of this, i left them, since my brain was beginning to leak onto my leather shoes.

 

Anyway, nothing went on worth mentioning. Well, aside from watching the local band (there are 3 local bands: the mock grundge bad that would make Cobain off himself again, the jazz band which was actually pretty good & this band, the over 50 rock band who sucked despite all effort). After butchering classics like "Brown Sugar", "Freebird" & a Southern rock rendition of "Stairway to Heaven", i decided i should walk for about half an hour. Then it was time to sit. I was gimping around all day, looking over my shoulder at the same time, & trying to pick up the odd girl (the even one wasn’t responding). Then, like I had figured, one of the girls behind my ostrocization showed up. Now, there are several things I might have done. Could’ve walked up to her & given her the verbal beating of a lifetime. Could’ve walked by unrecognized. Could’ve gotten recognized & treatened. Given the choices, I did what any rational human would have done: leave…

 

Then bash in her windshield with my cane.

 

That’s right, I bashed in her fucking windshield, then gimped off like a bitch when the alarm went off. Highlight of the night. Petty, but worth it. Nothing much happened the other few days of the fair, but I did hear briefly that the girl in question blamed some Mexican guy, & had him arrested for trying to steal her stereo. Gotta love people like that. I assume the poor guy’s out by now, but either way, as long as it isn’t me it’s funny. As the car alarm blared into the night, i gimped off into the darkness...then went home, while hearing a loving trio of white trash parents talk to their kids in the distance: "YOU SPILL MY BEER YOUR ASS'LL BE REDDER THAN YOUR MOMMA'S!", followed by various other racial slurs & drunken shouting at children.

 

I hate this fucking place.