WWE Confidential July 26, 2003

[Guest TSMAdmin]

WWE Confidential July 26, 2003

 

Here we are in the homestretch of my Confidential run. Those of you reading this on sites other than The Smart Marks; I highly recommend you bookmark The Smart Marks because otherwise you will have no way of getting your weekly fix of ME. I’ll hold off on my Vengeance thoughts for The Booking Report, which can conveniently be found on The Smart Marks. Gotta love how I worked that one in, eh?

 

This Week on Confidential: The story of Zach Gowen, plus Matt Hardy and John Cena stop for some sushi.

 

Cover Story

 

Zach Gowen was very energetic and active as a kid. He used to tear apart the house while he was pretending to be a wrestler, so his mom banned professional wrestling from the Gowen house. His father was verbally and physically abusive towards his mother, so he and his mom moved out. He hasn’t spoken with his father in 17 years. One day while partaking in recess a soccer ball hit him in the knee. His mom brushed it off as a pulled muscle and they went on vacation the next day. He would sporadically complain, but not enough to make it seem serious. He was misdiagnosed for a damn long time. Eventually his leg just broke so he was in a cast all summer. Once the cast came off it became apparent that his knee swelled up way too much and a calcification buildup was found in his femur. The doctors told his mom it isn’t serious and that he was just looking for attention. After seeing no improvement, they were sent to a specialist that finally diagnosed his problem as cancer.

 

They put him on chemo right away to try and beat the tumor. Zach more or less lived in the cancer ward of the hospital and befriended many other children suffering from brain cancer and leukemia. At age 10, Zach had already attended five funerals. The tumor was not going down in size and because this type of cancer spreads to the lungs, he was told that either he looses the leg or else he will die. Around this time, Zach was contacted by the Make a Wish Foundation. He passed up his opportunity for a wish because he knew that he would beat this and there are other children who ultimately would succumb to their disease. If he were to make a wish, it would have been to meet Hulk Hogan. The day before his amputation his family went out to Red Lobster and then saw a movie. All along his biggest concern was how much of his leg would be taken off since the surgeon was unaware of exactly how far the tumor had spread. He was left with his hip and 8 centimeters of his leg. Because his stump is so short daily exercises like walking can be incredibly difficult and could result in serious injury.

 

This is only half of his story, but I have heard enough to decide that NO ONE should be tearing this kid apart because of the role he plays on SmackDown. The kid has pretty much gone through just about everything imaginable. An abusive household, a single parent, cancer, having five of his friends die before he turned 10, living in a hospital, losing his leg, and fighting through the pain to get up and walk every fucking day. I mean come on, after all that there is no reason why he shouldn’t be a professional wrestler or whatever the fuck he wants to be. I honestly hope that those you who have been quite assholish about the entire Zach Gowen situation (you know who you are) take a step back for a second and think about all of this. So the guy is on one or two TV segments every week, I don’t think that is all that unreasonable considering EVERYTHING especially since he will no doubt have a very short career. I’m not saying that his character must remain the same or that he is a fantastic wrestler, but the bottom line is that this kid is living his dream and there is no reason at all to deny him that privilege.

 

CRZ said it best: ”Hey, I've got an idea - let's ask Zach if he'd rather be a WWE superstar or have his leg back. Then let's ask all your hard-working, unfairly-ignored friends if they'd just as soon lop off a limb to go get Vince's attention.”

 

Segment 1: 1/1

 

Torrie Wilson shopped at a floating market in Thailand. Pretty cool concept as you go from shop to shop in a canoe. She even holds a snake, which after five seconds she dubs herself “The Snake Woman”.

 

Matt Hardy and John Cena stop by a sushi restaurant in Japan. Matt has had lots of experience with sushi and the Japanese cuisine, whereas Cena is a newbie. It’s time for some Mattanomics and Thuggitude baby. They even do a combination of the Word Life and Version 1 hand signals. WHY AREN’T THESE TWO A TAG TEAM? I would have a new purpose to live… and watch SmackDown. Matt welcomes us to John “Xena’s” first experience with the Sake Bomb or “hot garbage” as John calls it. Now it’s time for the main course. Matt points out the crabmeat because he’s had crabs before. Not that type you pervert. Cena doesn’t care how much they want to pretend, the rice is Uncle Ben’s. Matt translates into Thuganomics for us “That’s strizzle uncle bizzle my nizzle.” Greatest. Segment. Ever. Cena describes the scent of the food to that corner of the basement that you never wash. The shrimp gets John’s seal of approval, but only because of the sauce. He compares it to eating cereal without milk. “Yeah. You can do it… but it’s stupid.” The sea urchin goes over like a fart in church. Matt flashes back to his experience on Fear Factor.

 

MATT FACT: Matt’s least favorite sushi is sea urchin. THAT WAS A CONFIDENTIAL EXCLUSIVE BABY!!

 

Now that Cena ate sushi for the first time, he should also make some of his own for Matt to try. Matt is very apprehensive about this. John’s little dance with the sushi chef is a classic. The sushi passes Matt’s test, so now it’s time to rap. Cena calls himself the next Benny Hanna. Matt throws together a lengthy freestyle of his own.

 

This is V 1 here with John Cena, the sushi-making pimp.

He got behind the counter and win me up a roll of shrimp.

And just so you all know let me tell you it’s all for real.

It went down smooth, had a seafood taste and a seafood feel.

And just so all you folks know, it was good I’m not gonna be rude.

He’s just served up properly the sensei of Mattitude.

 

Sucks for you if you missed out on this one. This was right up there with Jericho’s rant on Oprah and Celine Dion last week.

 

Segment 2: 2/2

 

From the Vault: Spike Dudley

 

Razor Ramon vs. The Kid ~ May 17, 1993

Everyone and their mother has seen this match. I’ve reviewed this before, although that column is MIA, so form your own opinions because I’m moving right along. (1:55)

 

Segment 3: 2.5/3

 

Following his surgery Zach wanted nothing to do with anyone. Nevertheless, with the support of his doctors, nurses and mother he was up and about the next day. At school he was active as ever. He would break the prosthetic leg every couple of weeks. Fortunately they came with a warranty. He also went into a lot of the classes at his elementary school and showed his peers his prosthetic and explained to them what happened to him. Three weeks after his amputation wrestling was reinstated in his house, just in time for the 1992 Royal Rumble. He was pulling for the Bulldog, but was happy anyway when Flair won. That was one of his favorite nights. He continued to play little league and the coaches doubted his ability. They wanted him to hit the ball and have someone else run for them, but the rules stated that HE had to run to first base. After doing that he proved himself to be just as good as anyone else.

 

He didn’t have much luck with the ladies in high school, so he focused on sports, mainly wrestling. He didn’t have any special treatment, so he would jump rope for 15 minutes just like the rest of the team. His coach was amazed by how Zach would compete with the other students during matches. He trained at Truth Martini’s wrestling school one month after graduating in June of 2001. Zach paid Truth’s fee while wearing his prosthetic. Once the transaction went down Zach took his leg off. Martini was shocked at first, but he never wanted to hold anyone back from their dreams. The owner of the school told Zach not to get his hopes up and that maybe he should be a manager or referee instead. He had his first match on March 16, 2002. From there he gradually expanded the radius of cities he worked in. In the fall of 2002 he was contacted by WWE. TNA who? He admits that if he didn’t go through what he did he wouldn’t be here now. He’s not a freak to be exploited. He’s a professional wrestler. Well, thus far that is arguable, but now that he is done with McMahon we’ll have to see what happens.

 

Segment 4: 3.5/4

 

Outside the Ropes: Mick Foley

 

1. Does your wife take credit for your wardrobe?

 

Absolutely not. One Christmas she bought him a Tommy Hilfiger and it almost ended the marriage.

 

2. What two colors make the beat plaid?

 

Red and black.

 

3. What is the greatest Roller Coaster park?

 

Six Flags in New Jersey because he gets special treatment.

 

4. If a coaster were made in your honor, what would it be called?

 

The Wideass. So he could comfortably fit into the seat.

 

5. What hurt worse: Being thrown off a Hell in a Cell or watching Al Snow fight in a Hell in a Cell?

 

He calls the Kennel from Hell his coup de grace as they say in France. Not that he knows any Frenchies though. Hell, he changed his daughter Noelle’s name to plain Christmas. Al asked him not to bring up that match when making fun of him. After three years of laying off it, Mick hammered (not to be taken out of context) Al on his DVD.

 

6. How many people named Tietam do you actually know?

 

Nobody. If he knew half the country would mispronounce the name he would have called it Bob Brown.

 

7. Does Tietam Brown have a catchphrase?

 

Yes. “Hand me those condoms you little muskrat.”

 

8. Do you have a favorite author and quote?

 

John Irving. “Win Rocky win”. He knows it was a movie, but it inspired him to job, so it had to be a good quote. Coach points out that Mick is looking good. Foley chalks it up to his “Terrified to be interviewed by Katie Couric in a shirt and tie” diet.

 

9. Do you think the concept of Mike Meyers playing three characters in Austin Powers was a rip-off of the Faces of Foley?

 

Not as much as the Hurricanes entrance video is a rip-off of Dude Love’s.

 

10. If you were to venture to Hollywood, Mick Foley would be the next…?

 

Tex Cobb.

 

Even Foley couldn’t touch Jericho.

 

Segment 5: 4/5

 

They rerun a segment about Bradshaw’s book. With a title like “Have More Money Now”, how can you go wrong? Gene points out that in today’s unstable economy ANY advice is worth taking. Now is that a glowing endorsement or what?

 

Segment 6: 4/6

 

THIS IS IT

 

What gives? 2 great episodes in a row. Is this WWE’s last ditch effort to keep me around or something? There is no other explanation why this show is on a role. I’ll be around later this week with The Booking Report. In the mean time, check out last week’s column to hold yourself over.

 

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