TSA09 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2004 Who in the hell fantasizes about using sour cream and cereal on a chick? And in the end they don't even shower together. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EricMM 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2004 A hungry, hungry man. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TSA09 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2004 More like a man that hasn't eaten in a few months. Now food certainly can be used, but more along the lines of chocolate syrup, whip cream, caramel, and even liquor. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EricMM 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2004 You mean you've never heard of the Cream n' Cracker Surprise? It's outlawed in 37 of the 48 states. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TSA09 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2004 I prefer to stick to the erotic foods, condiments, and alcohol during foreplay. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Damaramu 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2004 A hungry, hungry man. Or an obese man. Next thing you know a wizard will turn her into a piece of chocalate and he'll eat her as his last sign or love to her. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SP-1 Report post Posted January 11, 2004 Paris. The place of dreams. Dreams which can live. Dreams which die. We are the dreamers of dreams, are we not? Natalie and I, after much deliberation, decided to knock over a bank together and head to Paris. What can I say? Love makes you do crazy things sometimes. The bank robbery was insane, it was like nothing I had ever done before. Maybe because I had, in fact, never done such a thing. We strolled into the bank right at noon. Natalie was wearing a very sexy black set of coveralls and a pink ski mask. She carried a backpack which she promptly swung around, retrieved her 9mm from, and shot the lone security guard in the knees. This took approximately 1.3 seconds. I know this because I was looking at my watch as I entered the bank behind her, dressed in a stylish black pleather trench coat, a black sweater, black jeans, and black combat boots. Natalie dislikes the unfair treatment of animals so I went with the pleather since I love her. Love, man. Love. I wore dark sunglasses so as to not have my identity be revealed. I raised my sawed-off at the clerks and shouted, “Don’t move, this is a robbery!” I think Natalie liked it because she giggled as she ambled towards the counter amidst the parting sea of civilians who were promptly hitting the floor. As I followed her, I picked up the security guard’s gun. I stopped there and aimed the pistol at him while keeping my cold, unforgiving eyes (and the shotgun) aimed at the tellers. It was a silent dare. Don’t press the alarm. Don’t even breathe unless my sweetheart tells you to. By now Natalie was at the counter making her demands. Big bills only, and stuff the pack as full as possible. She’s a very smart cookie, my Natalie. These are the moments when you realize just how deeply you love someone. Love is a magical thing, you know. Time seemed to stop in that instant as Natalie looked back at me. Her bright eyes sparkled through the eye-holes of her mask and my heart melted. I accidentally pulled the pistol’s trigger in my stupor. Pegged the guard right in the forehead. Gruesome. But, and I think you all will agree with me here, awesome. Natalie seemed horrified but recovered quickly because she knows and trusts me implicitly. The clerks seemed motivated by this turn of events and were frantically stuffing every pocket and compartment of the backpack. This is when we heard sirens. Natalie and I looked at one another and she ran to my arms, slinging the backpack on along the way. I hugged her close and as the police cars screeched to a halt outside I knew that I had to protect her at any cost. Even my life. I whirled, my coat flailing out behind me, and brought the double barrels to bear. One good shot, right at the gas tank of the nearest police car and chaos ensued. The explosion blew the glass out of all the bank’s front windows. Natalie was protected but my face took on several jagged pieces of debris. I stood my ground, however, looking quite heroic. Natalie pulled me close as I stared down the recovering cops outside. I calmly walked out with Natalie in tow, crunching through the destroyed windows strewn about the ground. Everyone was in stunned silence at my coolocity. The nearest cop raised his gun at me but I shook my head. I saw that his car was far enough away that is sustained minimal damage and was still good to drive. I raised my hand and halted in front of him. “Do you really want to shoot me, friend? I have done nothing to wrong you, for your vehicle is in good operating condition. My ladyfriend and I are merely trying to finance a pre-honeymoon of sorts. A bank is a quick way to get money, I’m sure you can understand that. Now, I know that you’re an officer of the law and that you have a job to do, but don’t you have a wife?” “No!” The cop bellowed. “Now get your hands –“ “A girlfriend?” I calmly asked. Shaken by my booming voice, he shook his head. I pitied him. “Have you never felt the warm, gently touch of a beautiful woman? Has your heart never gloried in a lover’s giggles? Have you never loved, my friend?” The cop’s eyes filled with tears. I knew his pain, once upon a time. He took a step back but this was my opportunity. Normally, I hate violence but at this juncture it was very necessary. I grabbed the barrel of his pistol and quickly dismantled it, not unlike Jet Li in “Lethal Weapon 4". He was surprised, naturally, so I took a moment to punch him three times in the nose and kick him in the testicles twice. This took only 3 seconds, from the start of the physicality to the end. I caught his gun in the air and reassembled it. Before the other officers could react, I unleashed a hailstorm of bullets and rendered them all incapable of doing anything about the theft of the officer’s fine vehicle. No killing, though, as that would be wrong (except for the accidental kill in the bank). Natalie and I take the police car and manage to get away fairly easily. There was no chase as after the explosion most of the on duty force hurried to the bank and I shot them all in the shoulders before we left (ha - that was the “rendered them all incapable of doing anything” reference). My smooth way with words had averted disaster yet again, and I remained Natalie’s hero. We quickly went into hiding thanks to some friends, and arranged a private flight overseas. And that, my friends, is where the real story begins. But I must go now and make some arrangements for my return to the states - alone. I’ll fill you all in at my next post. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Damaramu 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2004 SpiderPoet......THAT WAS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER READ! I'm expecting rawmvp to look at that post and be like "Oh man! That was so funny!" not realizing how foolish he looks. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TSA09 0 Report post Posted January 12, 2004 That was great!!! SpiderPoet you should take over this piece of shit rawmvp started and make it great. My hat is off to you. Great work! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest stardust Report post Posted January 12, 2004 That was some of the funniest stuff I've read in a while. More! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest stardust Report post Posted January 12, 2004 That was so funny I posted twice. My bad. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest rawmvp Report post Posted January 12, 2004 SpiderPoet, that was funny stuff there, pal. Imitation is the finest form of flattery; so, suffice to say, I'm flattered that you took time out of your busy schedule to burlesque me in fine form. The first four paragraphs were right on the money. After about the fourth paragraph, it started to degenerate into a cliched action flick. Still, unlike your post, my posts are all real. But, still, the first four paragraphs belong in the SmartMarks Hall of Fame. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SP-1 Report post Posted January 12, 2004 Oh, just wait until the continuation. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NYU 0 Report post Posted January 12, 2004 SpiderPoet, that was funny stuff there, pal. Imitation is the finest form of flattery; so, suffice to say, I'm flattered that you took time out of your busy schedule to burlesque me in fine form. The first four paragraphs were right on the money. After about the fourth paragraph, it started to degenerate into a cliched action flick. Still, unlike your post, my posts are all real. But, still, the first four paragraphs belong in the SmartMarks Hall of Fame. What makes you think he was talking about you? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Damaramu 0 Report post Posted January 12, 2004 SpiderPoet, that was funny stuff there, pal. Imitation is the finest form of flattery; so, suffice to say, I'm flattered that you took time out of your busy schedule to burlesque me in fine form. The first four paragraphs were right on the money. After about the fourth paragraph, it started to degenerate into a cliched action flick. Still, unlike your post, my posts are all real. But, still, the first four paragraphs belong in the SmartMarks Hall of Fame. Your posts are true!? HA! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Bottled Black Report post Posted January 12, 2004 Holy Shit SpiderPoet.. that was awesome. Screw rawmvp I want more SpiderPoet.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted January 12, 2004 That wasn't very funny at all. They robbed a bank. Now, if you'd have him rob a bank with a spoonful of sour cream and a love poem... I think I'll toy with his destiny at some point. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SP-1 Report post Posted January 12, 2004 It's fun, I think you'll find. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Olympic Slam Report post Posted January 13, 2004 If you're looking for a new adventure, then I think we can all agree that rawmvp and Natalie need to take a trip to Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Complete with sexy results Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted January 13, 2004 Cracking one's eyelids in hot sand is not a good proposition the morning after waking up from a 6 day meth ride. Natalie was nowhere near me, blood on the sand, my clothes in tatters. Verily, the memories climbed back up my tender gray wrinkles as the sun came together piecemeal on the rocks. My ample pocket space was luckily packed with money leftover from the robbery, a few bottles of water, some beef jerky and trail mix, a compass, a russian phrasebook/bible, matches, a small butane lighter, one 25 cent cigar, a .38 special, a utility knife, 1 box of crayons (64 colors), a pair of flip flops (which I directly put on, stuffing the doc martens in my pockets instead), a coconut, the phone book from a gas station in Tijuana, a Kid Sister doll (Natalie's childhood favorite), seven bags of marshmallows, a chinese food menu, half a bottle of gin, three toothbrushes (stolen), Natalie's sunglasses, and someone's cell phone. I sat down alongside a gila monster, and tried to give her a call. No answer. Ten minutes later as the reptile foamed and hissed. No answer. I started wondering if she'd found someone else. Suspecting every gas station attendant, store clerk, hotel maid, cop, friend, or enemy I had, it was clearly someone from the internet. After all, I'd spilled my guts to them in hopes of encouragement, and it certainly placed me right in the epicenter of my glorious tremor of love. Natalie was still out there, in the wrong gentleman's arms. So here I am, accessing the net from this phone, crayons melting in the sun, and I want to know..I HAVE to know. Which one of you is it? Woe is he who has been spurned by true love. A cuckold laughed at as he frets twisting like the frigid edge of dispassion writhing in his heart. What deserves this scorn? This malcontent? Surely I've done nothing to upset karma to have her taken from me. God please, by the time the stars fall from the sky, I will have you again. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest stardust Report post Posted January 13, 2004 My ample pocket space was luckily packed with money leftover from the robbery, a few bottles of water, some beef jerky and trail mix, a compass, a russian phrasebook/bible, matches, a small butane lighter, one 25 cent cigar, a .38 special, a utility knife, 1 box of crayons (64 colors), a pair of flip flops (which I directly put on, stuffing the doc martens in my pockets instead), a coconut, the phone book from a gas station in Tijuana, a Kid Sister doll (Natalie's childhood favorite), seven bags of marshmallows, a chinese food menu, half a bottle of gin, three toothbrushes (stolen), Natalie's sunglasses, and someone's cell phone. GOLD. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Bottled Black Report post Posted January 13, 2004 Its a good thing it wasn't a box of 128 colors, you might not have had room. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SP-1 Report post Posted January 13, 2004 Agreed, GOLD, AoO. By the time this thread is finished, I'm frightened of how many different timelines will be involved. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Damaramu 0 Report post Posted January 14, 2004 AoO...........BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was great...and still so true. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted January 15, 2004 Your praise sickens me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted January 15, 2004 Slowly I pulled the journal out of my pocket and began the note. "To Russia, with love. -Clarence." The bottle of vodka fell, and the bullet left the chamber. Someone close this atrocity. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest rawmvp Report post Posted January 15, 2004 There will be a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT later this week regarding Natalie and I. Stay tuned... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CanadianChris 0 Report post Posted January 15, 2004 I smell a bait and switch. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Bottled Black Report post Posted January 15, 2004 Oh what the hell is coming now? or is he finally gonna hit us with "HAHAHA.. I fooled all of you..." Either that or he's going to claim that they "Did It". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
treble 0 Report post Posted January 15, 2004 I hear wedding bells. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
