Explain THIS TO ME

[The Czech Republic 0]

Damn you all I thought for a second we had the exciting conclusion to the Saga of rawmvp. Oh well I guess at this point it's safe to say that we're supposed to believe that he was ambushed by the KGB at the meeting, and we will never hear from him again. Until a few months down the line where he details his harrowing escape from his heartless unfeeling captors. How he had to hide out temporarily until it was safe to contact his posse for help and finally in the ultimate climax to his escapades, he was finally able to put an end to the KGB's threat, get the girl (or should I say give her his sour cream) and most importantly return to TSM to recount excruciating detail by excrutiating detail for our reading enjoyment.

"In a harrowing transpiring of occurences, I narrowly evaded an emasculating hybrid of KGB concierges who collaborated on a sinister rampage across the realm of viniculture. Serendipitously, I was able to, under my own volition, depart with my Natalie in my arms. The sonorous purveyors of avarice rallied, in, their attempts to destroy our mortal encases we traditionally name "our bodies," as we feverishly paddled away from the pristine harbors of Vladivostok. As we embarked on our finger-lickin'-good voyage across the mighty Pacific, we were gang-raped by pirates, who tempted us with promises of sweet gold before sodomizing us. When we reached dry land in the hustling and bustling metropolisof Vancouver, Natalie and I ate sour cream all night long. My sour cream.

[Art Sandusky 0]

Okay, "finger-lickin-good" has been used. It's over. Just close it now.

[Slayer 0]

I demand to have the last post in this thread before it's closed.

Never

[Guest FrigidSoul]

I demand to have the last post in this thread before it's closed.

*Ignores your demands*

 

oh ya, +1

[Slayer 0]

What this thread needs before it closes (aside from rawmvp telling us he died at the hands of the KGB) is more items TSA is willing to put on her crotch

 

Vitamin pills

Frozen dough

Tie clips

The coffee table

Chia pet

Tin whistles

Nylon windbreaker

Naugahyde

Swirled yogurt

Battered fishsticks

A collapsible top hat

Ordinary table salt

Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo

Branford and Wynton Marsalis

Meatballs

Styrofoam peanuts

Circus peanuts

Bendy straws

A basset hound

Scattergories

Margarine

Crack

Jim Belushi

Cocktail wieners

Fireworks

Corn dogs

The infield fly rule

The Oedipus complex

Artificial nail

Mah Jong

Shakespeare

Doorbell

Bikini wax

White corpuscles

A Swedish steam-cooker

[The Czech Republic 0]

What this thread needs before it closes (aside from rawmvp telling us he died at the hands of the KGB) is more items TSA is willing to put on her crotch

 

 

Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo

Branford and Wynton Marsalis

Crack

Jim Belushi

Fireworks

The infield fly rule

The Oedipus complex

Insane.

[TSA09 0]

What this thread needs before it closes (aside from rawmvp telling us he died at the hands of the KGB) is more items TSA is willing to put on her crotch

 

Vitamin pills

Frozen dough

Tie clips

The coffee table

Chia pet

Tin whistles

Nylon windbreaker

Naugahyde

Swirled yogurt

Battered fishsticks

A collapsible top hat

Ordinary table salt

Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo

Branford and Wynton Marsalis

Meatballs

Styrofoam peanuts

Circus peanuts

Bendy straws

A basset hound

Scattergories

Margarine

Crack

Jim Belushi

Cocktail wieners

Fireworks

Corn dogs

The infield fly rule

The Oedipus complex

Artificial nail

Mah Jong

Shakespeare

Doorbell

Bikini wax

White corpuscles

A Swedish steam-cooker

The bikini wax would be a moot point since there's nothing to wax.

 

But can I add whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and some kinky sex massage oils that are candy flavored?

[Sass 0]

The bikini wax would be a moot point since there's nothing to wax.

 

But can I add whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and some kinky sex massage oils that are candy flavored?

Only if you're willing to add a Tommy Lasorda bobble head.

 

Oh and unless Dames comes back online tonight, I'm closing this thread whether the final post is made or not.

 

Chances are this thread will end up in the Classics folder anyways.

[TSA09 0]

Can't we pick another bobble head besides Tommy?

[Guest FrigidSoul]

Happy Valentine's Day rawmvp and Natalie, may you forever be happy together in whatever KGB run isolated camp you're at.

[Sass 0]

Can't we pick another bobble head besides Tommy?

You're okay with *Jim Belushi* but not a Tommy Lasorda bobble head?

 

Cripes woman...you really are a Giants fan.

Edited February 15, 2004 by Sass

[Slayer 0]

*fires up the funeral pyre*

[Styles 0]

Dearly Jaded, we are virtually gathered here today on this internet discussion community to mourn the loss of a great gimmick, rawmvp. A simple poster, rawmvp seeked out advice for attracting the fancy of a young Russian dame in his science class, Natalie. We all came to his aid, giving him tips on how to approach this mysterious creature including Damaramu's lovely suggestion flop your dick out and slap her in the face with it.

 

But, alas, she was quiet, mysterious and aloof, truly an intimidating mixture of sex appeal, shyness and Russianess that kept young rawmvp at a safe distance. Many critisized young rawmvp for his use of large, obtrusive words. He implored us You try getting an A in advanced English at Berkeley. He continued to string along, young Romeo that he was, looking for relevance in small subtle hints. Female precense TSA assured him Holy shit! She waived a leaf in your face, she wants your dick.

 

One by one, their plentiful clan dropped out, leaving just our 2 potential lovers. He began to learn more and more about his future princess. Stardust opined You know her blood type? I don't even know my own blood type, much less my boyfriend's blood type. That's just kinda creepy.

 

He taught us all to go on tangents about Astrology, as Agent of Oblivion educated us on the language of the stars. After what Dr. Tom proclaimed The longest, shittiest courtship in the history of people who don't know what they're doing "Monday" arrived, and the masses got what they wanted to hear... Let me just say that I closed the deal!

 

Not only did he aquire a belle, but as only rawmvp could put it in his own convoluted way pulled off a coup of serendipitous proportions that would even make renowned militaries jealous

 

Tears streamed down their eyes as the two schoolmates who barely knew each other declared their undying love for one another on their first meeting. TSA thoughtfully inquired Who fucking has tears come to their eyes when they kiss for the first time?

 

Natalie even abandoned her "abusive" boyfriend for our hero....well, maybe Well, I guess he wasn't THAT abusive or perhaps not abusive at all; I've never met him so I can't say.

 

We sat, enthralled at the adventures in courtship, young mvp would have, his descrpition of his decor was particularly revealing He opens the door and is aghast to see a young adult adorned in white t-shirt, black leather jacket, black levi's, black biker gloves, and greased hair with a single strand of hair cascading down his forehead a la Scott Hall. The young adult, if you haven't guessed, is me.

 

We met Natalie's jovial Russian father, proud to have his little bushbicka going out with such a fine young man. Prepared to embark on their first date, an unexpected road block occured the car doesn't start because it's out of gas. So what did he do with this quiet, studious, aloof, shy girl? passionate kissing that ensued for what seemed like hours (1.5 hours to be exact).

 

Indeed, to the minute! EricMM contemplated Anyone (anyone) still believe this actually happened? But, his adventures continued. On their next outing, a lovely dinner at the fine Oliver Garden Italian specialty restaurant followed by a romantic evening of magazine reading at Barnes and Nobles, Booksellers, our hero is confroted with a challenge. A nefarious villain that threatened "I'll fucking tear you apart, fuckface." And it was with that threat, that he made THE SPEECH.

 

A Foley-esqe monologue that we will forever remember "You're not worth it, pal...unlike you, I have a little dignity and respect...Barnes and Noble is a silent place, kinda like a library...hell, it is a library except you actually pay for the books; the people here are trying to read in a peaceful atmosphere...if I tried to kick your ass, there would be a loud ruckus, probably involving the devestation of my skull, but you see, it's not the obliteration of my skull that I'm worried about -- I'm a man, I can fucking take it -- it's the loud noise that it would make. It would disturb a bunch of good, everyday-workin' people who come here to take a fucking break from their boring lives. I don't want to break little Jimmy's train of thought (point to some random kid) just as he's about to get to the best part in the latest Harry Potter book"

 

Truly, the tale of Little Jimmy conquered our villain and saved our 2 young lovers from certain doom. Who could forget this young Romeo's romantic escapades, like the time She led me to a stall, closed the door, and swooped upon me like an eagle getting ready to pounce upon a snake. With unbridled ferocity and vigor, she planted her sultry lips on mine as we engaged in a make-out fest of gargantuan proportions. Ruckuses, pandemonium, and commotion ensued as I slammed her into the stall door only to have her use her weight to push me back against the toilet seat. Or, his tremendous encounters of witisism out of a bad teen movie, like the woman who quipped "Honey, relax, the harder you push the worse off you're gonna be...take your time."

 

We all were so happy for him. MrRant tastefully opined The only thing that would make this story better would be if one of you are stricken with cancer

 

We all anticipated the first time a reference to Natalie's genetalia was made. Kinetic predicted Before the end of January, and "delectable, glistening mound(s)."

 

Rawmvp taught us that the key to a woman's heart is pro wrestling we wrestled around like Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat at Clash VI. I picked her up, put her on my shoulder, and took her to her friend's master bedroom. With Natalie playfully shrieking on my shoulder, I powerslammed her, a la the British Bulldog. Just as I was about to pin her, she grabbed my crotch

 

Who could forget the imfamous sourcream? The dessert of choice for this poor Russian girl. Always thinking, rawmvp presented the processed dairy treat to Natalie This prompted her to guffaw and chortle for what seemed like an eternity No, I have no idea what that means either. Next came the simply delicious food themed sex romp. Imagine chocolate syrup and sourcream smudged on our faces amidst an exceedingly sticky, yet tasty kitchen setting. But there was more. A few minutes later, I say, "Wait, there's more" and take out the boxes of Cheerios and Kix He truly was a master of food-love. But then, at the peak of their romantic encounter, a bombshell would be dropped nearly shattering their beautiful relationship. Jacob. We all were enthralled. NY Untouchable exclaimed Ugh, that may have been one of the most unrealistic ones yet.

 

Munky though, was unconvinced. He was suspicious of our naraator's credibility. 1) How was the sour cream "cool" after having been in your pocket for so long?

2) You say you took the "goodies" out of the bag. Were they in the bag or your pocket? Make up your mind boy. MarvinisaLunatic guessed Maybe they are the individual serving size boxes? Then Rawmvp explained The cereal boxes were of the mini/individual variety. It explained everything.

 

AgentOfOblivion attempted to recreate the magic of rawmvp's storytelling ability and is so fucking funny deserves complete mention here

Cracking one's eyelids in hot sand is not a good proposition the morning after waking up from a 6 day meth ride. Natalie was nowhere near me, blood on the sand, my clothes in tatters. Verily, the memories climbed back up my tender gray wrinkles as the sun came together piecemeal on the rocks.

 

My ample pocket space was luckily packed with money leftover from the robbery, a few bottles of water, some beef jerky and trail mix, a compass, a russian phrasebook/bible, matches, a small butane lighter, one 25 cent cigar, a .38 special, a utility knife, 1 box of crayons (64 colors), a pair of flip flops (which I directly put on, stuffing the doc martens in my pockets instead), a coconut, the phone book from a gas station in Tijuana, a Kid Sister doll (Natalie's childhood favorite), seven bags of marshmallows, a chinese food menu, half a bottle of gin, three toothbrushes (stolen), Natalie's sunglasses, and someone's cell phone.

 

I sat down alongside a gila monster, and tried to give her a call. No answer. Ten minutes later as the reptile foamed and hissed. No answer. I started wondering if she'd found someone else. Suspecting every gas station attendant, store clerk, hotel maid, cop, friend, or enemy I had, it was clearly someone from the internet. After all, I'd spilled my guts to them in hopes of encouragement, and it certainly placed me right in the epicenter of my glorious tremor of love. Natalie was still out there, in the wrong gentleman's arms.

 

So here I am, accessing the net from this phone, crayons melting in the sun, and I want to know..I HAVE to know. Which one of you is it?

 

Woe is he who has been spurned by true love. A cuckold laughed at as he frets twisting like the frigid edge of dispassion writhing in his heart. What deserves this scorn? This malcontent? Surely I've done nothing to upset karma to have her taken from me. God please, by the time the stars fall from the sky, I will have you again.

 

Just as our interest waned as to the future of our 2 lovebirds rawmvp was prepared to rock our worlds There will be a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT later this week regarding Natalie and I.

Stay tuned... Speculation was rampant. TSA speculated I still say his announcement is that they finally had sex and he "made her scream like a banchee". I bet he cried too.

 

The truth, was much more sobering.

 

First I went to her house and saw her practice ballet in front of me. Apparently, she's been a ballerina for years, dating back to her days in the Ukraine Because all Russians are balenrinas. And At the party, the Russian guests were initially withdrawn, but loosened up with the assistance of Russian Vodka. Because Russians LOVE Vodka. Zach Malibu contemplated I'm waiting for Boris and Natasha to show up next.

 

But the bombshell was he was FORBIDDEN from ever seeing Natalie again. They were starcrossed lovers. And from Shakespeare to Teen Movie Yelena, who was stupefied, nonchalantly said, "C'mon, it's no big deal" and stuck her hand down my pants. At this exact fucking time, Natalie walks into the room Of course. Nothing a little torrid making out couldn't fix. But the the scariest proposition of all would now be introduced. if Jacob's dad finds about his -- and believe me Jacob will tell him -- he'll hurt you really bad...I don't wanna see that (she was really emotional, here). His dad has KGB connections

 

Marney thoughtfully pointed out By the way, for your next draft, you might want to make a note of the fact that the KGB officially doesn't exist anymore - it hasn't for almost 13 years. Olympic Slam offered more sincere advise ........................., I don't know where to begin with that. But if you're really worried about defunct and ficticious organizations of danger, I suggest finding out if he has connections with the Foot Clan and the Putty Patrol as well. Can never be too safe, you know.

 

For no reason, rawmvp added another tremendous witisism Do you know what they say about ballparks?

They plump when you cook 'em GOLD.

 

But what comes next for our hero? Expect the GARGANTUAN ANNOUNCEMENT tonight and the ASTRONOMICAL ANNOUNCEMENT a few days later.

That announcement? A conversation with Natalie's mother.

 

Me: "I'm sorry, maam, I know what it's like to feel empty inside (At this point, I get closer and make the move to put my arms around Jacob's mother, with the intention of letting bygones be bygones, but she quickly shuts the door on my finger) Me: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...my finger, oh god, oh god" Profound.

 

Another date at the lovely Olive Garden was arranged, and the romance was reignited. I looked straight ahead and saw a white light. Was I dead? Nope, it was just Natalie's white, luminescent panties. As I peered into them, I noticed that the the brightness and surface area of it started to expand at an exponential rate. In laymen's terms, she was slowly spreading her legs so I could see her assets. They were glistening, as each sleek, glossy seam enthralled me. I could even see my reflection in them; obviously, this pair, at least, was meant of me. Her legs started to shake uncontrollably; and, with each tremble of her leg, my reflection became clearer and clearer. I was spellbound, that's for sure. The answer to the genital reference question had been answered. And Damaramu contemplated I still want to know where she got the magical mirror panties.

 

Who could forget their rendevous in the backyard, where Natalie proclaimed "Ohhhhh, come here my bad boy...show me your brand of sourcream." Alas, Natalie's father broke it up, but our hero, pantless escaped just in time. But soon, an encounter with the seductive Yelena would occur.

 

As I walked into her room, the song "Erotica" by Madonna was being played on Yelena's C.D. player, but I wasn't fully cognizant of it because I was in my own zone. Standing there, nearly naked, I was ordered to remove my briefs. Abruptly, my mind conjured the song, "I know I'm keen, I know I'm sexy, I got the looks that drives the girls wild...." started playing in my head as I teased and tantalized Yelena with removing my Fruit of the Looms. I would stretch the waist band on my briefs forward, backwards, sideways, and 360 degrees. With each pulsating tease, Yelena got more and more acquainted with her seductive position on the bed.

 

But rawmvp is a man of principles! Of morals! He would not betray his true love Natalie. He rejected her advances, and then Out of fn' nowhere, her cat comes scurrying over and starts licking Yelena near her crotch. The peanut-butter odor started to become more and more putrid To cap it off, a brilliant witisism "Looks like you found your companion for the night...I've heard of a pussy cat before, but this is ludicrous!" Truly comic genius.

 

Zach Malibu, obviously deeply inspired by his incredible adventures suggested I'm not saying this guy should be banned from the board, but someone needs to ban him from ever, and I mean EVER, reproducing.

 

Kotzenjunge created a hilarious rendition of what their first sexual encounter would be like The semen flew from my erect testosteronic column, and as it traveled through the air, I reflected on all that had brought me to this point, the exotic Russian girl who rejected me, her bromdignagian boyfriend, and the beatdown outside of her house... oh, that beatdown outside of her house. All I had done was astutely arrive with an archaic 80s portable stereo in my possession. Inside was an expertly recorded song written of my own unassuming Bic pen the previous week, taped onto the cassette was the title "My Sour Cream, Your Potato, Our Love." I stood outside of her window and raised the stereo above my head, much as, to use a wrestling analogy, Chris Benoit raised the WCW title over his head at Souled Out 2000. Play had already been pressed, now it was time for the melifluous melody to melt her Ukranian heart, much as it warmed the bodies of her vodka-bourne Russian family. The song burst from the speakers with great verve, and a figure came to her window after twenty seconds of my tremendous singing and guitar playing with a dash of bass guitar thrown in.

 

At a lull in his posting, we all theorized what items TSA would place on her crotch. Oh I'll say never to putting peanut butter on my pussy. I'll just stick to shaving and a little bit of baby oil (to make it soft) No to Tommy Lasorda bobbleheads and Premium Unleaded Gas.

 

But what would our hero do, now faced with banishment from his true love forever? If you guessed a confusing soliliquy you'd be right!

 

My sole existence was mercilessly stifled; my reason to arise from my bed every morning was dashed; and, my involuntary reflexes and instincts became unrecognized and voluntary. I had to remind myself that I still had a just cause to live life to the fullest; I still had a reason to breathe and sustain my waning vitality. My despondency became inertia, which became rancor, which finally manifested itself into incorrigible aggression. My face swelled up into a crimson, macabre mask, as I dissembled my frustrations and impending transgressions. Like a prisoner who is subjugated, subdued and divested of human rights, I felt like an insurgent whose sole recourse for freedom was that of retribution. My legs started to violently shake, my eyes meandered with unfocused intent, and my facial features seethed and wavered with dire incredulity. Sitting there, in the microcosm of my own world, my fingers started to wriggle and tap the table with sinister purpose. Each tap -- as scant as it may seem -- resounded in my ears with fierce amplification.

 

Huh? Oh, then he poured hot cofee on himself. Zach Malibu obviously continuously enthralled remarked This is the thread that never ends. It goes on and on my friends.

 

But our story wouldn't be complete without a blantalty racist encounter witha Mexican gang. Our hero tactfully and tastefully responded to the gang "Look, you overgrown Mexian with no education. Why don't you stop bullying people and start going to college to expand your critical thinking skills and better your lives, as opposed to loafing around in the streets like a bunch of ignorant, uninformed citizens. If you go to school, you can contribute and make the world a better place."

 

And of course, like a true Mexican "Jose" replied "Look at white boy, homes. Look at this esse...trying to give us a fucking lecture (they all laugh)...who does he fucking think he is. I bet his girlfriend falls asleep whenever he tries to hit that shit...and miss. (Motions to Natalie) Hey bitch, why don't you think of my enchillada when your boyfriend, here, is trying to please you (they all laugh)...he can't please my dog Pedro. So very racially sensitive and enlightended is our hero rawmvp. What would he do to escape impending doom? He had only one hope, and damnit it worked.

 

With my trachea constricted and my vitality nearly diminished by the indignant, rambunctious teenager, I asked one simple question: "Hey dude, did you see Smackdown last week, and see Eddie Guerrero win the Royal Rumble to get a shot at Brock Lesnar's title at No Way Out?" WWE brings people together! Jose could certainly relate "Oh fuck yeah, homes...Eddie Guerrero is our favorite wrestler...isn't that right, Pepe? (Pepe happily nods) Yeah, we all gathered in Pepe's basement with tortillas and salsa to watch our raza finally overcome all the fuckin' odds, and beat that American homo, Kurt Angle...thank the lord that it was on cable, too and not on Raw, because we can't afford cable except on those days when we steal a black box...Orale! Arriba Mexico, arriba la raza (they all bop their heads in uniform motion when Jose says this)...our dreams came true when we saw Eddie do what raza has taught him -- lie, cheat, and steal...it's the only way to live when society thinks you're born a criminal."

 

Yes because Mexicans' lives depend on wrestilng and they speak like morons too. We all were relieved and were thirsty for more. Munky in particular who urged STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP... PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY STOP THE STUPIDITY!!!!!

 

Many posters were upset and outraged at the blatant racism on display in this truly offensive encounter. But, alas! The joke twas on us! You guys are such goofballs. So naive, gullible, and easily deceived.

It was a fucking dream; that is, starting with the scalding hot coffee part and the encounter with the Mexicans.

Gotcha~! Got us indeed!

 

After HILARIOUSLY flirting with TSA and belitting WJM, he was verbally kicked in the nuts by WJM. Soon enough though, we would learn the conclusing to this epic tale. The "meeting" is tomorrow at Jacob's house.

 

What would await him at this cryptic meeting with his girlfriend's former abusive boyfriend with ties to the defuct KGB?

 

Tom, obviously enjoying the adventures so much decided it was too much for him to handle It's crossed well into the absurd, and has no redeeming value at all anymore. The thread was closed.

 

Dames, then said no it isn't ...Since the people are clamoring as to how this story will end, I've re-opened this stupid thing.

Rawmvp...you get one last post to wrap things up and then this post is done.

 

And with that decree we ALL waited with baited breath for the thrilling conclusion. Further endeering himself to the Hispanic community, rawmvp thoughtfully adds If I ever had a Mexican (or hispanic) posse to lead me into battle against the "sinister" Russians, Dames would be my leader.

 

Did the sinister KGB set our naive hero up for an ambush? Sadly, that it was is to be inferred if rawmvp's abscense is an indication.

 

NY UNtouchable, though provides the ending that would be

The congregation of alien spacecrafts began to slowly maneuver over our city. I clutched Natalie close to my chest as we stared up at the impending doom in the sky. We could see the underbelly of these monstrosities, and the trepidation that ran through my veins was shocking in its ferocity. However, I remained strong for Natalie. I refused to let her smell the scent of fear from my pores. Instead, I had made sure that she would smell the sweet aroma of Axe Phoenix bodyspray. Hell, if it works for mannequins, I knew it would do wonders for my sour-cream vixen.

 

The principal spaceship stopped its movement and proceeded to hover over City Hall. Suddenly, the sky burst with a green flash that was dazzling to the eyes. Never before had I seen such an omnipotent, yet alluring, spark. While the momentous road Natalie and I had paved for ourselves was filled with covetous boyfriends, unruly Mexicans, bloodthirsty Russians, boisterous football players, and inadequately prepared chicken ravioli, I knew this would be the worst challenge we had ever faced. The chasm in the center of the extraterrestrial transportation opened, and an unbelievable lifeform slowly descended to the ground. I immediately had flashbacks of the Undertaker at Royal Rumble 1994, as this being not quite from our world stood in the sky. Natalie’s mouth was opened in a gape of astonishment and horror, and I soon found myself having to be extraordinarily restrained from jamming my tongue in her mouth and swishing her lip juices through my gums.

 

Once this space invader had finally reached the safety of the green germination that spurts from the ground, I was taken aback by its appearance. Its two eyes immediately signaled that annihilation was this creature’s strongest desire. The alien’s skin was grotesque, a leathery mixture of green and gray, veins nearly popping out of the outer membrane. The scariest feature of this lifeform was the mouth, oh god, the mouth. The lips were cracked and humorless, and immediately, I knew that it had never once experienced the light touch and sensuality of a woman, be it a human or one from its own species. This incident was so terrifying that I could feel my bowels quickly releasing silent spurts of feces into my Calvin Klein boxers. But fear not, TSMers. I could see Natalie grimacing next to me, and I knew she was suffering through the same fate. At that point, I knew we had a deep connection and were truly in love.

 

Finally, the alien opened its mouth and the townspeople continued its stunned silence.

 

“SILENCE EARTHLINGS!” the voice boomed. Immediately, a passion of bloodthirsty rage and wrath coarsed through my veins. Who did this eyesore think he was?! I was ready to march over there and kick his space-traveling behind until I felt Natalie grasp my arm. She did not want me to permanently destroy the earth’s relations with other creatures of the galaxy. I looked into her soulful eyes and knew that if we made it out of here alive; I would want her to be my wife. However, I knew what had to be done. I unclasped her arm from mine and politely excused myself to the front of the crowd meeting. Throughout this, the strange being in front of City Hall continued to speak.

 

“Earthlings, I am here for a reason. For too long, Earth has been the absolute dregs of the universe. The beings on Earth are devoid of class, elegance, and testicular fortitude. This is why, effective immediately, your planet will be destroyed. But oh no, human beings, don’t blame us. You brought this fate onto yourselves. YOU BROUGHT THIS HARROWING AND TRAUMATIC FATE TO YOURSELVES WITH YOUR MTV……YOUR BET……YOUR WWE…….oh no. We from the planet Glorgon didn’t screw Earth. No. Earth screwed Earth.”

 

As this organism initiated its rise back to the spaceship, I commanded him to come back down. With a smirk, he ceased his ascension, planting his two feet back onto the ground. With a deep breath of simultaneous trepidation and confidence, I spoke.

 

“Please sir, madam, whatever your sexual preference may be. We are not a dangerous population of people. Earth is the greatest place I’ve ever lived. Sure, we may not be unbelievably polite…..or courteous…..or perhaps even civil……but by gosh, we’re ourselves and you, as part of this galaxy, should be able to respect that. Whether it be vodka-drinking, fun-loving Russians……or rambunctious, grammatically-incorrect Mexicans…..or math-intelligent, can-collecting Asians…..we are a respectable society and we should be treated as such. But perhaps our planet isn’t the problem. Perhaps it is…..your society.”

 

The eyes of the aliens morphed from pools of obliteration to lakes of bewilderment.

 

“The people on this planet know how to care….how to love. Take my exquisite girlfriend Natalie. Before her, I was a nobody. I was a hitchhiker on the path to oblivion, no ecstasy or glory seemingly in sight. But then I met her on that fateful day in college, and now, I fear that every single breath she takes may be her last. But alas, this is love. Do you not know how this feels? If you don’t, it may do wonders for your bloodthirsty manner if you did. You, sir, do not look happy….but I guarantee that, with a love in your life, all your fears will vanish, climbing into that vast flying saucer in the sky.” Although we were hundreds of feet away, I could feel Natalie winking at me, her smile reaching across the corners of the world.

 

After a minute of silence, the alien opened its mouth bit by bit. Finally, he spoke, his voice a complete contrast from the echoing boom that once crossed the land a few moments ago.

 

“We…….have a lot to learn. Thank you, Earthling. Your relationship with Natalie has shown us the error of our ways. Perhaps I will seek a relationship with Malgamex after all. Her chesticles are simply intergalactic. Earth is safe for now – and it’s all thanks to you. Thank you for forever changing my life, giving me a reason to wake up in the morning. You have rejuvenated my soul, and for that, I am eternally grateful. Good-bye sir, and good bye all.”

 

The mysterious creature was beamed back into his unidentified flying object and, in the blink of an eye, he and the other atmospheric vessels zoomed out of the milieu. Natalie pierced through the crowd still gathered with mouths agape, and jumped into my arms. I kissed her with more passion than a thousand Latin Lovers, but promptly dropped to one knee. I pulled a small, velvety black box out of my pocket and….

 

I don’t need to say it.

 

She accepted.

 

I saved the universe and – in the end – got the only girl that ever gave my life a purpose.

 

Natalie and I are to be wed.

 

And it’s thanks to those here at TSM that attempted to aid me with their advice.

 

Thank you all.

 

Love truly is magical.

 

Forever yours…..

 

Rawmvp.

Truly touching. But the truth is a lot more sobering. Rawmvp has nary been seen in almost a week. Murdered by an outlaw gang of Russians for his forbidden love. But his memory and legacy here at this internet discussion community will live on, FOREVER.

 

As the great Dames decreed: Personally, I can say two things that I know are true.

 

1. This is ALL bullshit.

 

2. This is DEFINITELY going into the Classic Threads when its all said and done.

 

Dames

 

Nothing more needs to be said. God Speed Rawmvp.

[The Czech Republic 0]

And my rendition that included the adjective "finger-lickin-good" should be in there with NY Untouchable's

[Sandman9000 0]

 

Happy Badger says close this shit down.