What I wrote for DVDVR #143

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

NOAH TV 5/31/03

[DEAN RASMUSSEN]

 

Daisuke Ikeda vs Tommy Drake: Diasuke Ikeda is fucking balls out. Tommy Drake looks like he would get eliminated by Japanese Poolboy in the ECWA Super 8 Summit. Drake WILL stand there and take Diasuke Ikeda kicking him right in the motherfucking throat. He also doesn't get completely smoked when Ikeda makes him trade forearms to the face. Drake gets in an Eddy Jackie-esque offensive flurry before Ikeda kills him with the nasty Ikeda lariat. I can't hate Tommy Drake. He'll stand right there and take his assbeating.

 

Scorpio/ Doug Williams vs Akitoshi Saito/ Masashi Aoyagi: Doug Williams in Japan is like Mike Modest in Japan- I can't pay attention to him because he gets so smoked by everybody else around him. Here, he doesn't work stiff enough with the completely average Aoyagi until way too late in the first segment of this match. Scorpio is now- for all intents and purposes- Black Vader, and he and Saito in the ring excites me. I find it exciting. And pleasing. They punch each other in the face for a while and then Scorpio starts a-bumpin and we have a bonafide NOAH match on our hands. Williams knows the score by the time he gets in with Saito and makes with the sweeet European uppercuts. Aoyagi comes in and one is thinking that he may be the weak link. Quite possibly the weak link. By all accounts, the weak link. Williams procures the abdominal stretch and keeps trying to do something with the weakest link. Scorpio comes in and they take turns doing weird matwork on his arm. Saito comes in and Williams starts FEELING IT. He hits the FUCKING BEAUTIFUL Cravate With Added Kicks Directly To The Face. Scorpio tags in and hits like the Hayabusa 97 Finishing Sequence with four highflying finishers- moonsault, rolling guillotine. Saito kicks out and they opt for Saito to stomp his way to transition and Saito just fucking MAULS Scorpio for a minute. Aoyagi tags in and starts feeling it himself with the lowgrade Bukoh Dojo offense and Low-Ki Kick To The Chest Sequence. Williams tags in and they elbow Aoyagi in combination alot and Scorpio hits a big splash for two. Scorpio hits the Old Fat Guy Moonsault for the pin on Aoyagi and that was kinda fun.

 

Jun Akiyama/ Yoshinobu Kanemaru/ Makoto Hashi vs Yoshinari Ogawa/ KENTA/ Kotaro Suzuki: Awwww Kotaro Suzuki sucks. The other five rule the fucking world so here we go. KENTA is your daddy and looks like he should have played keyboard in the Mops in 1969. Kanemaru and KENTA start off and you LOVE it. They kick each other in the face and provide the HATE- so you actually give a shit about the wrestling. Kanemaru is soooo the Best Possible Honaga Ever, doing his King Rudo selling as KENTA and Ogawa pulverize his shoulder. Hashi gets the advantage of being in with Ogawa as he apes Steve Corino in his old school selling and bumping. Kentaro tags in and his weak shit is smoked by Hashi. By Hashi. Yes, smoked. By Hashi. Jun Akiyama tags in and I hate him for not beating the living dogshit out of Suzuki and you hate Akiyama because you also wanted him to beat the living dogshit out of Suzuki. Instead, Kentaro drives him into the corner and Akiyama doesn't sell any of KENTA's kicks- which sez 2 ME "Fuck this bullshit." KENTA finally knocks Akiyama to the ground and Akiyama counters with an Exploider and then tags in Hashi. Hashi doesn't smoke KENTA. No. KENTA is not smoked by Hashi. Not by Hashi. Ogawa throws really nice Eaton-esque punches and I'm digging him more and more that I see him. Hashi plus Ogawa is gold- as Hashi makes the headbutt and Mongolian Chops SING! Akiyama comes in with Ogawa and the match finally goes full speed. Kentaro Suzuki goes on offense with Akiyama and FINALLY Jun Akiyama beats the shit out of him by punching him in the stomach twice. SCHOOLYARD AS A MOTHERFUCKER! Kanemaru stomps the shit out of Suzuki and they all tak turns beating his taped up ribs into a delicious cream sauce. Hashi's headbutts SING as they splat against the small of Suzuki's back. Ogawa and Akiyama hit the ring again and Akiyama makes Ogawa's DDT look like two Peterbilts smashing into each other. Ogawa and Kanemaru then do the last five minutes of every Eddy Guerrerro vs Dean Malenko match from 1995 to 1997. KENTA tags in and applies his stiff, nasty fucked-up offense to the face and neck of Kanemaru and goes for the TOPROPE FINISHAH! Kanemaru blocks it and Akiyama KILLS KENTA and then the other two kill KENTA. KENTA fights out by hitting that cool ass Dropkick Shining Wizard thing he does. Suzuki comes in and hits a T2P submission which was as out of place as a Stephanie McMahon run-in in this match. As a result they beat the living holy dogshit out of Suzuki and pin him and we got to watch. I would have like this more if Akiyama would have sold for KENTA and if Kentaro Suzuki didn't suck so much cock. Still good though.

 

Tamon Honda/ Akira Taue vs Kenta Kobashi/ Masao Inoue: HEY! A Japanese Paras Terriblas (or whatever it's called when the switch tag partners for a match). Tamon Honda is Japanboy Jesus and he proves it five seconds in when Kobashi wants to do the Road Warrior Hawk versus Kenta Kobashi in 1993 no-selling of chops and clotheslines spot- as Tamon Honda SELLS every chop by Kobashi. And then he takes him straight into the STF. Honda Clutch on the toprope makes me scream E-C-W! E-C-W! at the TV screen and then they bring in Taue- so I'm already stoked. Inoue looks pretty good in this for a minute, being smacked around by Taue and trading forearms with Honda. They trade forearms for a while until Honda can procure the Tarantula-like toprope HONDA CLUTCH! And then he does the elevated vertical suplay and we all wish that this match happed in 1988 so that it could get sold to a 3rd rate video concern in Florida in 1991 and we could have heard Gordon Solie call this match. Kenta and Taue have a fun section as they in. Kobashi with the Stretch Plum and Honda with the Rufus R Freighttrain Jones Headbutt save. Taue smacks Inoue right in the face in the corner and Hotshots him and this is Alabama 1987 and I love it. Honda is sooo Tajiri Inspired with the over the toprope choke out over the toprope on the ramp and then HE TAKES IT TO THE RING AND CLUTCHES THE MOTHERFUCKER LIKE TAMON HONDA WILL CLUTCH THESE DAYS! Taue and Honda are in complete heel mode as Honda distracts the ref and Kobashi as Taue throws Inoue into the rails. Honda tags in and hits the fucking Horsemen As A Motherfucker Facebuster off the apron and does a choke out to get the crowd to get behind Kobashi's save. Taue with the BEAUTIFUL Released Inverted German. Inoue gets off a running German to make the hot tag and Kobashi beats the hell out of Taue for a minute. Taue fights out of the Tequila Sunrise Suplex and hits TAUE NODAWA NUMBER 1~! Honda tags in and he and Kobashi are MAGIC this year. Honda with the fucking BEAUTIFUL Honda Clutch into a ROLLING Honda Clutch- just like motherfucking Preston Quinn's Rolling Cobra Clutch. Kobashi makes the ropes and fights out of a suplex to hit a GNARLY Tequila Sunrise Suplex that Honda sells like a Geo Metro driver being T-boned by an Expedition. Inoue procures the comical Argentinian Backbreaker that Honda beautifully Yamazakis into a head lock. Honda then KILLS Inoue with the German Superplex. That's a good batch of the pro wrestling to show up on the TV screen.

 

Yuji Nagata/ Takuma Sano vs Mitsuharu Misawa/ Tsuyoshi Kikuchi: I love or have loved all of these guys at one time or another (like my relationship with the band Poison! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!). What I'm looking for in this match is Kikuchi and Nagata beating the living dogcrap out of each other but I get the feeling that that isn't going to happen- as old and broken and no longer great Misawa is right there to hog the Nagata time and swerve the selling. But, fuck me, who could be sure? The actual match starts promising enough- Nagata and Misawa wrestle a Dennis Condrey vs Randy Rose singles match from 1985 and you love it. And then Nagata does a spinning heel kick into the corner and Misawa LEANS DIRECTLY THE FUCK INTO IT. Then Nagata starts kicking him more and my fears are allayed. Misawa brings the motherfucking STIFF with the teeth powderizing forearms and I love this so far. They trade Capture Suplexes and Misawa flees the ring and the PSYCHE is set. Nagata hits the Skinny guy tope and Sano is in with Nouvelle Kevin Sullivan toprope Double Stomp. OH FUCK ME RUNNING, KIKUCHI AND SANO IS THE GREATEST 2 MINUTES OF WRESTLING IN THE NEW MILLENIUM. I'm bleeding hardway just watching. Then Sano tags in what I want to see- Nagata vs Kikuchi- AND IT IS FUCING GREAT. I've seen buildings collapsing that are less stiff than this. Misawa tags in and elbows Nagata in the chinlock right across the nose- just like motherfucking Dick Murdock. Then he tags Kikuchi back in and he and Nagata BRING THE MOTHERFUCKING HATE and it reminds me of why I motherfucking love Professional Wrestling. Sano tags in after Nagata and Kikuchi beat the living dogshit out of each other and goes straight into a Mexican Ceiling Hold and that's fine. Kikuchi elbows out of Indian Deathlock and procures a ankle lock and they are doing a great job of cooling things down for the next bout sheer hellish ass-stomping. Nagata tags in and he is a COMPLETE cock to Misawa and Kikuchi and the NOAH fans and I LOVE THIS MATCH. Fuck, Misawa and Sano finally square off and THEY beat the shit out of each other. Nagata looks great in the destruction of Misawa- BURYING the knee to his face in the corner, killing him with the toprope Capture Suplex. Kikuchi tags and hits the Spider Suplex that is questionably sold. Kikuchi leans into some fucking NASTY kicks to the face and takes an Exploider directly on his neck TWICE before tapping to the Nagata Lock that useta be called the Rings of Saturn. GREAT fucking match.

 

Takeshi Morishima/ Takeshi Rikio/ Naomichi Marufuji vs. Yoshihiro Takayama/ Bison Smith/ Takashi Sugiura: Takayama + Takeshi Morishima+Takeshi Rikio=Dean's Blazing Puroresu Hard-On. Yes, you should rejoice. The other three are the pinnacle of my personal wrestling indifference. Actually, Sugiura and Morishima's opening section is pretty fun in a Juniors Match When You Want To See A Takeshi Beat The Shit Out Of Takayama kind of way. Morishima's section with the.... problematic ... Bison Smith was less rewarding. Luckily, Rikio tags in and reels Bison in and they go straight to the knucklelock. Bison powers Rikio into the corner and he and Takayama opt to beat the shit out of Rikio. Takayama taunts me with the chinlock but Rikio gets back to the vertical base and tags in Morishima and JESUS FUCKING GOD IS IT MOTHERUFKCIN GREAT. Morishima and Takayama beat the living goatpee out of each other and then they tag in Rikio. Rikio squaring off with Bison is soooooo not as motherfucking great as Morishima and Takayama beating the hell out of each other at this juncture in the time continuum of professional wrestling. Sugiura wrestling Rikio is an even lower return. Marufuji and Sugiura wrestle a while and it's Tumblingtastic and everything. Morishima tags in and Morishima is the best wrestler in the world today. God, he makes look all so ultrafine. Rikio beats the hell out of Sugiura for a while and you and I both await Morishima and Takayama to square off again. En Lieu, Mafifuji and Sugiura keep wrestling. Sugiura bumps big and Marufuji is gotten pretty good past his highspot and blah blah blah blah. Bison tags in yeah yeah yeah yeah. Marifuji sells big for Bison and that's good. Marifuji stays in the ring and Sugiura tags in zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. FINALLY, Takayama tags in and hits the Dusty Rhodes level elbow drop and maybe Bison shouldn't throw an elbow drop directly after it- as his would be to Takayama's what Brian Lee's elbow drop is to Abdullah the Butcher's. They triple team Marifuji for a while and YES! Morishima tags in and he and Takayama have the wrestling section IIIIII wanted to see. Morishima throws his Gordy lariat into the corner and... fuck... they tag out. Bison threatens the Claw and I weep for Rikio having to sell it at some point. Bison is soo Brian Dyett 2004. Marufuji is nifty in the roll-ups and Sugiura is the toughest junior ever and I await the hot tags. The hot tag never comes and the Shooey-Newie by Marifuji denies me more Takayama vs Morishima. I am distraught but I blame the attitude I brought. Okay, mom. Perfectly fine wrestling.

 

Get this tape.

 

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LETTER TO PHIL SCHNEIDER

Regarding the New Japan "Ultimate Crush" Tokyo Dome PPV 5/02/03

 

Hey Phil,

 

One can only hope the lesions die down before the bikini waxing season. I'm glad it hasn't interfered with your act.

 

Anyway, I got the tape you sent with the New Japan Dome show on it and I thought I bring up some thoughts I had about it:

 

The Josh Barnett vs Jimmy Ambriz match was pretty horrible- basically because Ambriz looked like an 1997 ECW "mutant" with the fat and the Jersey/New York Northern creepiness, but without the comical hat and sufficient helping of pants. I'm sure he is perfectly fine as a person and lowgrade shootfighter but I couldn't help but think that he was going to break out a "she's a crackwhore" chant. Plus Josh Barnett has that disturbing jiggly skin which looks like he was morbidly obese at one point but never got around to donating the excess skin to a burn victim unit once he got down to a healthy weight. That doesn't make gay does it?

 

Of course, that match looked like Tamura vs Kosaka compared to the ultra shitty Kazuyuki Fujita vs Manabu Nakanishi SHOOT bout. This was sooooo not even close to being as good as Marc Mero vs Savio Vega Brawl For All. God, I hope to God that this was a shoot because I would hate to think that they worked a match to look as boring as Ken Shamrock vs Dan Severn.

 

Enson Inoue isn't very good at all but Kazunari Murakami saves this match by being the Fit Finlay of shootstyle fighters. When he realizes early that Enson is a pro style load of shit, he quickly SUWAs into taking the blade and spewing his blood all over the Tokyo Dome. When he actually wallows in a pool of his own blood, I knew that Murakami understood professional wrestling 10 times more than any one else in New Japan. I also loved how he stood there and had legit Shooto shooter punch him right in the face to get over to the crowd the pain inflicted by Inoue's punches. Little shit like that make Murakami great.

 

Kenta Kobashi and Masahiro Chono match I liked because it was a Chono match and thus was far more psychologically rock solid than your average Kobashi match. Chono let his gray grow out helped the story of Chono being old and wiley and Kobashi being young and too strong. I didn't really like the ending because Kobashi isn't afraid to fuck up the dramatic points of the finish. I eman, I dug the Tenzan part where he is trying to throw in the towel to save Chono but Kobashi doesn't build from that dramatic point. Kobashi is so the best possible Lex Luger.

 

Yoshihiro Takayama vs Yuji Nagata wasn't Chono vs Takayama or Rikio vs Takayama and it looked more like they were trying to do a redux of Takayama vs Nishimura. I don't like Nagata for his matwork and this should have been a true ass-stomp. But it wasn't.

 

Anyhoos, I look to your response and kiss Raoul for me.

 

Love,

 

DEAN.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey Tom,

 

Hey did you make it home last night? Last I saw you, you were making out with a skinhead girl with a cleft palate, her brother with the lightning tattoos didn’t look like he was happy with you polluting her with your Judaic DNA.

 

Man that New Japan was pretty hit and miss, Jimmy Ambritz v. Josh Barnett was short enough not to be offensive. Ambritz looked too much like the Blue Meanie for my tastes, it made me want to find the fawning Wrestling Classics posts about how great it was he beat Tanahashi.

 

Nakanishi v. Fujita was pretty awful. I don’t think it was as good as Barry Williams v. Danny Bonaduce for a match which really was worked similar. Nakanishi’s bloody nose had a real Jay McIreney novel, feel to it, I almost felt like Nakanishi was going to describe his moisturizer to me.

 

Murakami v. Inoue was match of the show, which is pretty amazing considering how utterly useless Inoue is. This was the single most impressive one man performance I have ever seen. Inoue really has no business working a match and Murakami busted out the blade and the intensity and drama, and made me love the fuck out this match. The part where he tosses away his bloody mouthpiece, licks the blood off of his hand, and then lets Inoue sloppily punch him in the face, was fucking godly.

 

I dug Kobashi v. Chono more then anyone else in this chain letter thing Dean though up. I was actually pretty impressed with Kobashi here, he was working rudo which he does pretty well. He wasn’t afraid to take Chono’s back suplexes on the top of his head, and be a mean fucker at the end, where he keeps picking Chono up on the half nelson suplexes. Chono looked really done in parts of this match, but still delivered like a motherfucker when the chips were down.

 

Takayama v. Nagata was on the mat a lot, which I didn’t mind, but it was smoked by the previous matches which had a lot more fire in them. Takayama is really clearly the better matworker, which is interesting. He totally carries Nagata in all the mat sections. I am hoping the G1 delivers the super great Takayama, cause his post injury matches have had their moments, but nothing which has blown me away like his pre-injury stuff.

 

Well hope your are okay, if you need bail money call Rippa

 

Phil

 

xoxoxoxoxoxox

 

ALL JAPAN PRO WRESTLING TELEVISION- 4/12/2003

[DEAN RASMUSSEN]

 

Kendo Ka Shin vs Carl Contini: Carl Contini is Carl Malenko and Goddam does he still fucking rule. Ka Shin is ever the underachiever in the Pro Style ring- but Contini should be up his alley- what with his fucked up BattlARTS-cum-Nouvelle-Carny stylings mixed with his rockhard old school psychology. Ka Shin kinda goes inside out- the NJ Junior psyche and the legit MMA that never translated like it should. Ka Shin sinks in the Cross-Armbreaker and Carl hits the ropes as a perfunctory ode to the style and then they go completely Pro Style, with Ka Shin hitting the SWWEEET toprope Flying Cross Armbreaker that Carl reverses into his own. Then it gets kinda Lucha as they do these long string of reversals leads to a Ka Shin headlock. Ka Shin says FUCK THE MIXED MARTIAL ARTS and starts pounding on Carl as if Ka Shin is the undersized masked version of Iron Mike Sharp. Carl Muy Tai's him in the mush a few times but Ka Shin sinks in the CAB and IT'S OVER? What the fuck? That's it? What the fuck? What was that, like 6 minutes? What kind of A-Train versus Frankie Kazarian on Velocity kind of booking is this? This kind of match isn't gonna reach a level of lowgrade BattlARTS without SOMEONE taking an ass-beating and I know for certain that BOTH of these guys are willing to take an ass-beating for the Cause. Instead we get this New Japan Jr Exhibition match with a slight theme of BattlARTSIANA. No good. Not this week, Sparky.

 

Toshiaki Kawada/ Masa Fuchi vs Kojima/ Keiji Mutoh:

This will be a good indication to see what everybody has left in the tank. Kawada was out hurt AGAIN. Fuchi came back to earth after the first initial hot run as Defender Of The All Japan Remainders Crown. Kojima has been all over the world and all over the place ringworkwise as of late. Mutoh is back to being lazy and useless. Let's see if anybody gets inspired, shall we? Joined in progress and I am filled with hate. Kojima and Kawada start beating the shit out of each other and I remember why you and I both love Kawada- he'll kick you in the face and dare you to try and match his tightness. Kojima does the Better Than Even Kawada's Delayed Sell of Kawada kicking him in the face and I weep at the homage. Mutoh tags in and decides to do absolutely nothing. I'm trying to figure out if Worthless Muta is worse than Worthless NWO Bryan Adams. Eh, Mutoh has the Powerdriver and that saves his bacon in that comparison probably. But you look at inspired Mutoh and it irritates you when the blah blah blah blah. If Mutoh was my mechanic and he had this work ethic, I'd start taking my car to Merchant's Tire and Auto. Adams sells better and moves better. Fuchi comes in with the Dangerous Backdrops and Mutoh sells them like Rob Van Dam channelling Rick Steiner so I'm guessing this isn't going to be a mat classic. At least Kawada crushes Mutoh's head like a melon when saving Fuchi. Kojima comes in and works on the leg leading up to Fuchi fighting like a motherfucker to withstand Kojima's chops. Kojima looks great throwing punches and breaking Fuchi's calcium deficient legs. Kojima is quite the Owen Hart DiBiase to Mutoh's Yokozuno in this Nippon version of whatever the fuck the WWF called it. Kawada makes the hot tag and Mutoh takes a couple kicks but you ain't gonna mistake him for the manly visage of Kensuke Sasaki in the same situation. Kojima and Kawada throw manly elbows to the jaw and my interest in this rises. Kawada highkicks Kojima's lariat arm and then Kojima hits the lariat and sells it like Kawada kicked his lariat arm and he then hit a latiar with the same arm. So it rules. Kojima hits a lariat in the corner to set his Macho Man Toprope Elbow Drop and you are suiably stoked. Fuchi Pearl Harbours Kojima and Kawada and Fuchi hit a SWEET looking double Enzuguiri to Mutoh. Kawada hits a HORRENDOUSLY NASTY Stuff Powerbomb on Kojima and then CRUSHES Kojima's spinal cord with a German and I am loving this. Kojima powers out of another powerbomb attempt and Kawada starts selling his knee really big for some reason. Mutoh comes in and starts working on the knee with some suitably nasty looking Dragonscrews. Kawada takes a Shining Wizard into the corner. Fuchi stops Mutoh before he can moonsault and Kawada spindles Mutoh aging neck with an Enzuguiri, a German and Stretch Plum. Mutoh sells a little here and makes the ropes, Fuchi tags in and starts suplexing Mutoh again. Mutoh then decides that he isn't selling and jumps up and beats on Fuchi. This match sucks. Your reasons: Kawada just selling the knee big just so Mutoh would have some concept of what to do in the match. Mutoh selling like Road Warrior Hawk right after selling like 1990 Scott Norton. What the fuck? Kojima fires off a lariat and Fuchi doesn't lean into it and it's for two. Kawada leans into one after a particularly shitty looking sequence where Mutoh no-longer remembers how to run the ropes. Fuchi doesn't take a lariat like a man AGAIN for two. And another for the pin. Boy, that sucks. P-U! Kawada vs Kojima could be fun and Kawada/Fuchi is fun tagteam but Jebus Fucking Alonzo did this suck a mighty engorged penis.

 

ARASHI vs Shinya Hashimoto: For the Triple Crown! ARASHI! Ex-WAR lumpy heavyweight does good! Jesus Christ, he has to look better than frickin Mutoh looked in that last match. I'm trying to figure out which physique I should shoot for- lose a little and go with Arashi or eat more fries and go with Hashimoto? Hash starts by kicking Arashi directly in the throat continuously and Arashi stands there and leans into them like a man. Arashi pretty much sucks in this match after that. He looks dead on his feet and they edit out about 10 minutes so nothing is good on this. Arashi does hit a decent powerbomb and a fun fatboy frogsplash. Arashi makes funny childlike faces while procuring the crossface. Hash hits the ropes and I need a beer. They completely fuck up the ending and this is touching on Mabel vs Koji Kitoa as shittiest match ever released by a major Japanese TV station. When Hash can't beat a good match out of you, I... shit, I've never seen Hash NOT beat a good match out of someone. I am at a loss.

 

All Japan Pro Wrestling TV 4/12/2003 is one of the biggest turds to ever defile my VCR. I would not recommend you watching it.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

NOAH TV 7/1/03

[DEAN RASMUSSEN]

 

Tim Noel gave me this tape and HOLY FUCK is the main event fucking great.

 

Kenta Kobashi/ Tamon Honda vs Takeshi Morishima/ Naomichi Marufuji: Don't get me wrong. I got no beef with Marufuji. Really. He actually wrestles wrestling matches now instead of just stringing together fabulous highspots. I just want him to stay out of these matches. He starts well with the Dragonscrew into a Figure Four and he's a good little wrestler- but so is Shannon Moore and this is way too much like Brock/ Shannon vs Angle/ Benoit. Morishima makes a CLUBBING FOREARM save and it RULES. Morishima and Honda trade forearms and I weep. Morishima punches out of the armbar to reverse it and Honda headbutts out and tags Kenta Kobashi and THIS IS ON! Kobashi vs Morishima is FUN FUN FUN. Kobashi goes all Road Warriory with the running shoulder block and Morishima trades punches to the mouth with Kenta chops. Honda comes back in and they fight for the Vertical Suplex- with younger Morishima winning and starting the onslaught on Honda. Marufuji hits some nice things but Honda's headlock is the coolest headlock since Johnny Valentine's so you can see what young Naomichi is up against. Marufuji's legwhips and dropkicks to the knee are the things about Marufuji that I really dig. Honda reverses a kneebar and Morishima cuts him off by stomping a mudhole in him. Kenta Kobashi tags in and sells all of Marufuji's Frankensteiner like Steve Regal selling for Ciclope. So it ruled. Honda hits the floor and starts beating on Marufuji's ass- literally. Atomic Drops on the Apron to set up Atomic Drops in the ring to set up Kobashi's Davey Boy Smith Extended Vertical Suplex. Marufuji goes up way high on the Honda backdrop and all I can think of is Spanky vs Kurt Angle. Marufuji is a great face in peril though the Japanese rubes don't know how to have fun with it by getting into his comeback. Kobashi is actually pretty fun as the rudo- yelling "BREAK HIM! BREAK HIM!" to Honda as he tags out. Kobashi should DEFINATLEY go the Masa Chono mid-life evil motherfucker route because- as he showed in the Chono vs Kobashi match- Kobashi is a natural heel. Kobashi just fucking PULVERIZES Marufuji and Morishima is going apeshit to tag. After a hot tag (that wasn't set up very well. Ricky Morton should hold a NOAH clinic), Morishima and Kobashi beat the living crap out of each other and we get to watch. Honda tags in and he is HONDA CLUTCHTASTIC! Morishima counters by trying to kick Honda's eyes out of his head and the double teaming begins. Kobashi and Morishimi go out to the floor and Honda does the cool ass Alexander Otsuka slow deadlift German Suplex that Marufuji sells like a second story porch fell on him. Morishima comes in and slaughters Honda with a Dangerous Backdrop and A bunch of finishers later leads to Honda CLUTCHING WITH HONDANESS young Marufuji and you have a fun little match. But the finish was as obvious as a Shannon Moore/Brock vs Angle/Benoit match.

 

Daisuke Ikeda/ Kotaro Suzuki vs KENTA/ Ricky Marvin: HEY! It's Ricky Marvin! Jesus, do I hate Ricky Marvin. KENTA is a sexy motherfucker and he'll punch you right in the face, so imagine my delight we I notice that KENTA and Ikeda could be squaring off. My heart is going to be an open book for Kotaro in this. Marvin does a SWEET headscissors after a bit of awkward stuff leading up to it. They kinda do some lowgrade lucha sequences and KENTA tags in starts kicking Kotaro in the stomach, thus bringing my interest to sharper focus. KENTA does the Slingshot Guillotine Legdrop and makes it look NASTY. Ikeda tags in and suddenly this match fucking rules. Ikeda motherfucking MAULS KENTA and KENTA shows FIGHTING SPIRIT and fights back like a motherfucker. Ikeda with the completely dickish knees to the face that make you remember why you get the Japanese wrestling tapes. Ikeda's toprope Lariat is TO DIE FOR. KENTA dropkicks to offense and multiple Pescadas flourish around the ring. Ikeda doesn't try his Space Flying Tiger Drop and I am as disappointed as you are. Ikeda starts beating KENTA with a chair and it fucking RULES. Ricky Marvin comes into the ring with Ikeda and I don't think he read the tip sheet- "Ricky, he will kick the living fuck out of you." and he does and it rules. Kotaro does those annoying Paul London backflip dropkicks but he does sell KENTA's assbeating like a man. Marvin does the fruity embellishment Stone Cold Stunner and Michinoku Driver II on Kotaro for 2 and then hits a Pedrigree for 2. Kotaro kicks to escape and Ikeda has sell Marvin's comical offense for a minute before killing young Ricky with a Muscle Buster. Ikeda vs KENTA would be a quality match. Marvin vs Suzuki would probably be a fine match. In this match, the second match got in the way of the first match, so my love is diminished.

 

Takuma Sano vs Donovan Morgan: Sano- at 76 years old- held his own when Misawa, Takayama, Rikio and Morishima were gauging the stiffness. Here, Donovan Morgan mat wrestles with him for a while. Sano does start stomping on him pretty good a few minutes in. Morgan goes on offense with some awkward combinations of moves and perfectly fine midgrade suplexes. Sano kinda mails it in but does make with the wicked Double stomp into a Northern Lights Bomb to end a match I have already forgotten about.

 

Takeshi Rikio vs Jun Izumida: Oh Izu! Will you ever have another good match? Rikio could be the one to have it with, so imagine how torqued I am. Rikio tries to make Izu's kneecap pop out and fly into the 3rd row early on. Izu doesn't sell very well and just kinda starts going on offense- as he seems to be shooting for that WAR heavyweight 96 offense we all fell in love with the first time around. Izu does do the fun diving headbutt to nowhere. Rikio lariats the fuck out of him in the corner a few times and it's NODAWA CITY FROM HERE ON OUT! Izu fucks up a roll up and Rikio decides to cut his losses and just lariat him to death for the pin. AWWWWWWWWW IZU! MAYBE NEXT TIME! LIL FELLA!

 

Yoshinari Ogawa/ Masao Inoue vs Scorpio/ Michael Modest: I am ever unimpressed by Mike Modest's tenure across the pond. Scorpio has his name written into his hair and it looks like if BamBam Bigelow had a continuous epeleptic seizure the whole time he was getting his scalp tattooed. Ogawa is grimy and sleazy- the way you like him. Scorpio gives Ogawa a DOUBLE titty twister early on and I no longer have much hope for this match. Ogawa responds by picking up Scorpio by his junk and there is no caring loving God. Scorpio and Ogawa have a fun lucha libre roperunning section and Scorpio can still get up in the air when he isn't channelling Vader. Ogawa throws the Southern punches and Scorpio keeps accidentally fouling Ogawa and we laff and laff and laff at the genital comedy bone-anza. Modest and Inoue hit the ring and Inoue hits some sub-Farooq clubbing forearms and Modest responds with the Bryan Adams Chinlock Driver 91. Inoue elbows out and hits the ropes and goes into the sleeper. Modest does some People's Elbows and my hatred of NOAH Modest is shared by the editor- as they skip to farther into the match. They do a four man head scissors and I can truly say that I loathe this wrestling match. I await my main man, the Samurai TV editor, to SAVE me. Scorpio does fly into the chairs with gusto. Ogawa stomps Scorpio with vigor. Modest with a Northern Lights Suplex on Inoue and then he throws Inoue to the floor. This is just a fucking mess. Inoue reels off the worst backbreaker you will ever see. They do stuff and it goes on for a while and Ogawa cheats to win with his feet on the ropes and I SWEAR TO YOU, my sweet beloved gentle reader, YOU NEVER NEED TO SEE THIS MATCH. Scorpio is better as a lil Vader than as Big Stoker Ichikawa. I said it. I'll stand by it.

 

Mitsuharu Misawa/ Tsuyoshi Kikuchi/ Mitsuo Momota vs Akira Taue/ Yoshinobu Kanemaru/ Superstar Steve: Superstar Steve looks different than when he was in Puerto Rico- looking more generic OVW trainee than anything else now. I have no idea how he will hold his end up in this match but that's we watch the matches and not just read the matchlist. Kanemaru and Kikuchi beat each other upside the head and hit fucking beautiful highspots- especially the Kanemaru Super Calo Ankle lock Rana. Mimota hits the neckbreaker and takes a bunch of forearms to the face and continues to take surprisingly good forearms by Superstar Steve when he tags in. Misawa tags in and starts crushing Steve's throat until Taue tags in. Taue is all about the Big Boots and Taue offense until Misawa does picture perfect Super Astro In-Ring Run-up-the-ropes Tope to tag in Kikuchi. Taue pokes the newly tagged Kikuchi in the eye and Kanemaru comes in a kills Kikuchi with the legdrop across the rail. Steve and Misawa have a little wrestling match and Steve is perfectly fine in the ring, getting his ass beaten by one of the greatest wrestlers that ever wrestled. Mimota tags in and Mimota gets beaten to death by Taue until Misawa can tag in and hit the heavyweight offense on the heavyweight that is Taue. Kikuchi tags in and starts PASTING Taue with forearms and I realize that I do love Kikuchi as he is talking shit to Taue as he is crushing his skull with forearms. Taue facebusts to make the tag and Kanemaru and Kikuchi have at it. And it just kinda keeps on like this. Nobody really stays in long enough to get an actual story started. Steve takes the Spider Suplex but pops up to hit a neckbreaker. Kikuchi sells the neckbreaker while hitting an enzuilariat so I can't turn on this match yet. Misawa and Taue wrestle a few seconds with Taue hitting a DYNAMIC boot to the face. Mimota and Kanemaru are in the ring and this is like a fucking Onita Pro Scramble match sans Goro Tsurumi and Viking Taniguchi. Superstar Steve sells the Mimota DDT like RVD and I'm on my last thread of hating this match. They have some finishers and some saves. Kikuchi hits some neato locomotion Germans to set up the Misawa Rolling Elbow To Steve's face to set up Kikuchi crushing Steve with a fabulous SCREWDRIVER~! Eh, I didn't hate it but I really didn't like it either. It should have been 1000 times better because I KNOW 5 of those guys can tell a story and none of them could be bothered in this match.

 

Yoshihiro Takayama/ Shinya Makabe/ Takashi Sugiura vs. Jun Akiyama/ Akitoshi Saito/ Makoto Hashi: Makabe HATES YOU! THE FANS! "FUCK YOU!" he says! Takayama hates the fans too. Hashi is pissed at Makabe being such a roided out New Japan dickhead and gets all up in Makabe's shit pre-match. Now we're talkin'. Saito is wearing his classring on a chain arouund his neck and his hair is just motherfucking perfect, the smell of his line of bitches wafts off his junk and terrifies the opposition with it's manly display. Makabe storms out of the ring and starts beating on Jun Akiyama and they brawl like fucking motherfuckers. Makabe will punch you right in the face right after killing you with a chair. Then Takayama starts beating on Akiyama and this is becoming my favorite match ever. Sugiuara and Makabe drop twenty elbow drops while Takayama holds him, and then Takayama just starts TEEING off on Akiyama's face with HELLISH kicks to the face. Makabe is a fucking AWESOME dick, flipping off Hashi and Saito and then burying his fist into Akiyama's face. Hashi comes in to make a save and Takayama actually kicks him so hard that he flies off the ground. Akiyama flies into the ringpost and into the guardrail as Hashi and Saito are bludgeoned trying to make the save and it's so fucking FIERCE that I overlook the fact that Akiyama should have bladed by now. Makabe does these fuckiing GNARLEY knees to the stomach of Akiyama that just HAD to just suck. Hashi is fucking BALLS OUT with the Flying Headbutt off the apron onto Makabe on the floor after Jun Akiyama gets in a high knee to drive Makabe to the floor. It was just fucking spectacular- a highspot that looked crazy and dangerous and also more importantly looked like it really fucking hurt Makabe for taking it. Akiyama and Takayama are just the fucking funnest wrestlers in the world right now and they fucking FEEL it in this. Saito FINALLY gets into the ring legally and Saito works as stiff as he can but doesn't reach the level of greatness that Makabe, Akiyama and Takayama reach in this. Hashi is fucking fired up in this and he also leans directly into Makabe punching him in the face and also leans directly into Takayama kicking him straight in the face and DIRECTLY in the throat. Goddam, I fucking love this match. Hashi's comeback is so superbabyface- as he fights three guys like a motherfucker, filled with hate and hopelessness. Makabe is fucking ELECTRIC as King Asshole of Fuck Mountain, punching a dead Hashi in the face and elbowing him in the teeth. Takayama gets in to get him some of Hashi's fat ass and the ref tries to save him with an 8 count but unfortunately for Hashi, he makes the count and takes a- fuck. Let me stop the tape and try to describe this. Takayama kicks him so hard in the face, I wouldn't have been surprised if all of Hashi's teeth didn't fly across the second rope into the guardrail. Hashi headbutts Takayama in the knee and makes the hot tag to Akiyama and Akiyama is fucking AWESOME trading punches with Makabe and being the surliest Ricky Steamboat that he can be. Takayama comes in and beats the fuck out of Akiyama and they take it to the floor. Hashi headbutts Makabe 30 times to knock him down and hits the diving headbutt for ONE. Hashi is fucking Japanese Jobber Jesus for just fucking THROWING his chin into Makabe's Superkick. Makabe hits the German for two and then CRUSHES Hashi with a lariat to get the win. GODDAMN IS THIS A GREAT FUCKING MATCH. GODDAMN. GOD. DAMN. HOLY FUCKING GODDAMN.

 

I can't even remember how shitty any of the other matches are. The main event is motherfucking GOLD. Postmatch, Makabe wants Kobashi to come into the ring and eat his ass. Goddamn. Makabe and Hashi were the Superstars. Akiyama and Takayama were the superstars. GODDAMN.

 

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Bret Hart/ Davey Boy Smith vs Bob Backlund/ Owen Hart- World Wrestling Federation- 1994ish- [RASMUSSEN]: Doug Corti is my boy. I send him wrestling and he sends me Red Green episodes. What we also send each is whatever weird/ cool/ funny incidental stuff we can work into an intercontinental package. I sent him HTS Baltimore Stallions games from 1993. He sent me the Hamilton Tigercats "ARGOS SUCK!" bumpersticker. He also sent me the BEST OF RIOT which I will review something from in the next DVDVR that is coming out next week, hopefully before I run out of Vaseline Intensive Care and raw ground beef because what I like to do put on my green arrow outf... uh.... well.... sometimes I share.... too much. Anyhoos, in the last batch of Red Green the beloved Mr Corti sent me, at the end, is THIS match. I talked to Schneider earlier tonight and he is thinking that this is 1994 and I'm tending to be agreeing. Bret is feuding with Backlund and Owen- Owen who is fucking AWESOME as evil second son want and wishing evil to befall the fair-haired favored first born! Bulldog has all of his knees because he could still work and is on the way up before it quickly went straight to hell soon after his super hot run with Cornette managing him. (I'm listening to "Fireworks" by the Tragically Hip to get in full blown Calgary Stampede Wrestling- Gerry Champagne Morrow Abdominally Stretches Gama Singh mode.) Bret and DBS have sequined and airbrushed jackets that I would wear everyday of my life- including August in Richmond when the humidity feels like cianide in your lungs and you no longer want to live. DBS and Owen start and Owen starts hammering DBS Johnny Valentine-like stiff shots across the nape of the neck. They run the ropes and DBS hits a dozen Steamboat deep armdrags after running the ropes like Johnny Saint in 1978- thus adding weight to the suspicion that Davey Boy hadn't ruined his knee yet. Backlund tags in and eats DBS offense like a champ- bumping big for the armdrags and bumping big for the Vertical Suplex- as well as doing a sweet sell of the backslide with legs a-flailing. Bret tags in and he is completely bad ass, beating the shit out of Owen and Backlund- crushing Owen's testicles and hitting a fabulously stiff True North Western Lariat. Backlund is Arnlike in his gigantic selling of a punch to the stomach and Benoit-esque in his Full Body Utilization for every move. Owen saves Backlund and they start beating the hell out of Bret and this goes COMPLETELY and PERFECTLY Southern tag. Owen breaks Bret's knee in the ring, Bob breaks Bret's knee when the ref ain't looking. Backlund rules. He ruled in BattlARTS. He ruled against Patera and Masked Superstar. He rules here. Bret rolls up Owen in a small package to comeback but Owen beats him down immediately to cut him off. Bob has the SWEET elbow across the nose in the chinlock and Owen comes off the second rope across the knee in the oldest of Old School methods of Heel Legbreaking. Pussies go up top, evil fuckers drop it from the second rope. Bret Hart is a better wrestler than Ricky Morton so he is better than Ricky Morton assuming the Ricky Morton roll in this match. Owen does the Malenko/ Yamada Argentinian Backbreaker On The Knee and Davey Boy charges the ring to make the save. False tags and double teams behind the refs back further enrage DBS AND HE ISN'T HELPING HIS CAUSE! as he won't get out of the ring with the ref berating him! Owen with the Figure Four and Bret sells it like a motherfucking Figure Four Leglock Submission. Bret rolls it over but Backlund is the rat bastard who pulls him back over and Owen stays on offense in the hold. Bret rolls it over again and Backlund comes in and kicks him in the head. Golly. Owen and Backlund are the great lost tagteam of the WWF. Bob tags in and stomps the back of the thigh and twists Bret's ankle in impossible directions. Owen goes up top and drops a forearm across Bret's ankle (because evil fuckers don't care if you call them pussies if they go up top). Owen procures the front chancellory and Bret fights for the corner. Bob comes and drags them back to the center. Bob holds Bret and Owen dropkicks Bret in the stomach- but BRET MOVES! crushing Bob like some kind of psychotic, spastic insect. DBS gets the crowd pumped up and Bret makes the tag. DBS with the Gorilla Slam after not tearing his bicept on Owen and then Owen eats the turnbuckle fullspeed into the sternum like a motherfucking KING. Bob and Owen partake of the Double Noggin Knocker and DBS gets the roll-up for two. Bret drags Bob onto the floor and procures the Sharpshooter while DBS wins with a powerslam. Bret refuses to release Backlund. DBS finally talks him out of murdering old man Backlund with a wrestling hold and- JESUS- do I miss Bret and Owen Hart wrestling. Backlund ruled.

 

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EAGLE PRO CRUISERWEIGHT TOURNEY 7/23/2000- Semi-Final: GENTARO (WYF) vs Asian Cougar (Free Agent)- [DEAN RASMUSSEN] : GENTARO lifted his head up and the sound of the stereo and the cool night air brought a moment of clarity. He was still drunk from the 15 Coors he had just drank and he was clear and drunk speaking out of his fucking head. "I am the SLEEPER. And... and .... WHO will... unleash me. I'm like a Sentinel. Like a Sentinel from the X-men but all the X-men don't interest me anymore. I am Zaxx the Destroyer and for some reason I never actually gave a shit about destroying Thanos. "

No heavenly choirs for me and not for you

 

"I must wrestle Asian Cougar but I can't even think about that now. I'm living a fucking Tom Waits song that I don't even remember the fucking words to. The one where he's in his 40s and being held by his mother as he is collapsing completely- as the weight of the world crushes him. I dunno, how does it go... 'I'm ashamed of the things I've done and I'm ashamed of what I've become'. I dunno. some shit like that. Fuck, I need a clean break from all this."

I'm not sure what happiness is but I look in your eyes and I know that it isn't there.

 

"I have no earthly idea if what I'm telling myself is the truth and what the actual civilized world is what is happening to me. I should dream about... dream about... this kind of freedom. BUT FUCK THAT! The real world! What the fuck is the real world supposed to be? All the shit that's taking me down, everybody who I have failed and disappointed... would they be there for me? How could I make them happy? I was never there for them, so I'll never know how that deal would have actually worked. If I were a MAN... If I were a MAN... If I were a man I wouldn't have these fears of everyone I know laughing about me behind my back. I would be bad ass and the KING OF THE CITY. Instead, I'm a pussy and spineless motherfucking shithead who can't even be a decent enough Hamlet wannabe."

 

It's just a fairy tale and I don't believe in magic anymore, Jeanne.

"But after this first wave passes over me and I get over it, everything is fine. It's like that dream you have.... you're 28 years old in your real life but in your dream you've gone in to take the exam for a Sociology class you had when you are 19. Or you are trying to remember the combination lock to your high school locker. THEN GOD HIS MOTHERFUCKING SELF talks to you in your dream. That motherfucker says, 'You are 28. That was all bullshit that you worried about when you were 17 or 19. It means nothing to you now.' And that's this feeling."

 

right on the two inch tape The Abstract poet incognito, runsss the cape Not the best not the worst and occasionally I curse to get my point across, so bust, the floss As I go in betweeen, the grit and the dirt

GENTARO's clarity moves into ultimate clarity or possibly ultimate delusion. "I think about trying all that I tried and how I tried to not whore myself for fat motherfuckers who I hate to look at me as a viable member of society. I think about how I have been generous and loving and truly a man when I had to be. That I can honestly say to myself, I have done this. It's almost like I have given my life so that many others may live- but that's what you are SUPPOSED to do. It's the only redeeming value of living. Yeah, I'm allright. Asian Cougar will pin me, but that's fine."

 

THE WHOLE GIGANTIC MAGILLA!

 

DEAN.