The Dames' Diatribe on NWA:TNA - July 30th, 2003

[Guest TSMAdmin]

The Dames’ Diatribe on NWA:TNA – July 30, 2003

 

 

It’s been another rough week for me, timewise, but what can I say.

 

Cablevision kicked my ass this Sunday, but I was still able to get the Diatribe done for this weekend’s Vengeance, which is the PPV of the year so far. If you haven’t read it yet, check it out.

 

The highly anticipated wrestling simulator, EWR 4.0, was finally released today. So far the reaction to my inclusion as the 4th recapper has been pretty positive, although there are those who think that I’m TOO harsh of a grader…and I’ve been cursed out on a few message boards. How lovely.

 

Finally, on Monday, I was finally able to coerce someone that I’ve wanted to write for TSM for quite a while now to join us as our resident Raw recapper. For a take on Raw that isn’t done in the usual format, yet has enough style and…umph to keep you reading, check out Charles “Loss 4 Words” Williams’ “Raw Ripped Apart” column over at TSM.

 

Enough with the plugging already, right!?

 

Time for tonight’s TNA broadcast.

 

I haven’t started watching it yet…but I’m SENSING opening video package.

 

OH MY GOD! The FBI Warning Screen of DEATH tells us that they are coming to take you to jail for illegal distribution of this PPV! Well, maybe Bob Barron. Thanks to that guy again.

 

Well, what do you know. An opening video package on last week’s events.

 

Last week, Sonny Siaki interfered too many times in the 2 out of 3 falls match between AJ Styles and D’Lo Brown. Regardless, the match ended in a draw, allowing AJ to retain.

 

We get comments from referee Rudy Charles during the replay of the finish, but he doesn’t say anything of important. We now get footage from after the event where AJ is talking with Vince Russo in the back, showing a lack of confidence because of how close he came to losing the title. Russo assures him that the ending was a fluke and he had D’Lo beat the whole way through. D’Lo has gotten three opportunities, which is more than enough for them.

 

Scott Hudson is in the parking lot awaiting the arrival of AJ Styles as a white limo pulls up. Trinity comes out of the limo wearing clothes that she’d get a summons for in about 30 different countries, followed by the Champion, AJ Styles. Hudson goes to ask him about Styles, but he says that he’s moved past D’Lo and the official “company line” is “no comment”. He and Trinity walk away, but Sonny Siaki steps out of the limo and into the frame. A cameraman is filming Siaki during the promo where he states the focus is now on him. The cameraman is doing a documentary on Siaki, according to him, but Hudson says that it’s about TNA. I wonder how many “Wrestling With Shadows” jokes we’ll hear from this promotion.

 

We go to the intro and the camera actually focuses on Athena as it starts.

 

Elix Skipper’s music hits as we go to our first match.

 

Elix Skipper vs. Jerry Lynn

 

Match Background: There is no real rhyme or reason why these two men are battling it out tonight. Jerry Lynn just finished a long feud with Justin Credible that went nowhere while Elix has just started a singles push. These two men have faced each other several times in TNA rings as Jerry Lynn teamed up with the Amazing Red to take on Elix and Chris Daniels when they were tag team champions several months ago.

 

The Match: Elix attacks at the bell and immediately hits a butterfly suplex for a two count. Elix quickly goes for the win with the Play of the Day, but Lynn counters and puts on a Magistral cradle for the three count!

 

Winner: Jerry Lynn

 

After the match, Elix gets on THE STICK~! and calls Lynn back to the ring. He says that if he’s got any guts, he’ll go two out of three falls! Lynn accepts and the match is BACK ON!

 

The Match: Elix immediately attempts a spinning roundhouse, but Lynn ducks and connects with some right hands. Lynn gets a back suplex and then goes to the corner for some punches there as well. Elix drops down from underneath and pulls Lynn down face first into the turnbuckle and connects with the spin kick this time. Elix lariats Lynn’s down, but Jerry fights back, only to get crotched on the top rope. Skipper walks the rope and ranas Lynn back in and gets a two count off of it and a small “Prime Time” chant. Elix goes to work on Lynn now, but gets elevated up and over the top onto the apron. Lynn goes for his apron legdrop, but Elix moves out of the way and drops an elbow, which misses as well. Lynn comes off the ropes, but Elix flips back into the ring and nails a clothesline for a two count.

 

Elix puts on an ab stretch as the crowd chants for Jerry Lynn and he’s able to escape. Lynn charges at Skipper and EATS BOOT, so Skipper drops down onto Lynn with his twisting corner legdrop. Elix then connects with a HARD scissors kick to the back of the head on the apron and Lynn falls to the outside. Elix throws him back in and tries to wear him down, but Lynn is able to get up and battle back. Elix looks to hook him for his hooked neck toss, but Lynn lands on his feet and connects with a BAAACK body drop on Skip. A swinging neckbreaker by Lynn leads to a swinging Downward Spiral by Lynn and he gets a close two count.

 

Lynn signals for the Cradle, but Skipper catapults Lynn into the corner. He goes for a tilt a whirl on Lynn and his swinging legs end up blinding the ref. Elix connects with a low blow and goes for his scale. He swings and misses, but Lynn doesn’t miss with a dropkick and kicks the scale back towards Skipper. Lynn goes for the cover and the ref is back into position and administers the three count.

 

Winner: Jerry Lynn

 

My Opinion: That first match was the quickest match I’ve ever seen in TNA…and the least amount of sentences I’ve had to write for any match period. Not only that, but this is the first time that I can recall in recent history where a two out of three falls match up only went two falls.

 

I’m not exactly sure what this was supposed to accomplish. Elix just started a singles push, yet loses two straight times in the first match of the show? My only guess is that this will build towards a feud with those two, which I don’t mind at all. They didn’t get to do much in the time allotted to them anyway, so I have a feeling that we’ll get more matches out of these two. *3/4.

 

At this point, Sonny Siaki heads to the ring with Trinity. Siaki gets on THE STICK~! and starts spewing self promoting rhetoric. He says that when he interfered last week, all eyes were on him. Pardon me when I say duh. He then goes on to say that AJ would have lost the title to D’Lo had it not been for him.

 

He calls out D’Lo…but AJ comes out instead. AJ is at the top of the ramp with a STICK~! of his own. He gets into the ring with a sour look on his face and demands for Siaki to repeat what he said. AJ compares himself to the Tampa Bay Bucs and Lennox Lewis and says that like them, he earned it.

 

AJ then tells him that he has forgotten “his role” in “Team Styles”. The fans astutely jump at the chance to chant “Know Your Role” at Siaki, who’s wearing a $500 shirt by the way. Styles tells him that when he’s done wrestling, he’s the man carrying his bags and riding his coattails. This actually gets a small “Ace in the Hole” chant started as these fans (and the promotion) can’t seem to figure out who’s supposed to be the face and heel in this encounter.

 

He tells Styles that he’s always been Russo’s right hand man and they’re merely in the same playing deck. He calls Styles his “little joker”…and gets slapped for it by the champion. AJ then says that he doesn’t need “this rat” (Trinity) or Siaki, all he needs is his title.

 

This brings out D’Lo Brown who couldn’t give a shit which one of these two is playing the face tonight. He gets into the ring and stares a hole through both men. Brown tells Styles that he’s finally starting to get it…he doesn’t need Trinity, Siaki and especially Vince Russo. A small “Shut Your Mouth” chant starts up, but I don’t know why it would be directed at D’Lo. D’Lo puts over AJ and tells him that the fans still want to cheer him…and apparently this is true as the fans start chanting “D’Lo Sucks!” Can SOMEONE explain this reaction to me?

 

D’Lo tells AJ that he’s reviewed the tape of last week’s match all week…and its eating him alive that he doesn’t know who really won. He asks for a rematch, one on one for tonight to know who the World Champ really is. Ok…now the fans are starting to piss me off as a loud “D’Lo” chant starts up, mixed with an “AJ” chant.

 

AJ tells him that he almost lost…and that bothers him. His pride can’t take it…so he’ll do it one more FOR RESPECT. He offers a handshake to D’Lo and he takes it…but Siaki clips D’Lo from behind and he and Trinity begin to put the boots to him. AJ is just standing there watching, not moving a muscle…and then pulls them off of him so HE can put the boots to D’Lo as well. That was mighty obvious.

 

All of a sudden, Erik Watts comes running in and chokeslams Siaki! The other heels scramble and Watts, the new Director of Authority in TNA, gets on THE STICK~! and makes a match between D’Lo and AJ for the title…NEXT WEEK. Unlike their previous encounters, Watts assures D’Lo that there won’t be any Legend or Trinity interference…or “Acehole” interference either, prompting a chant of it. He IS going to allow Russo in the corner…but he’ll be handcuffed to Watts!

 

And THEN, he makes it a STEEL CAGE match to a pop! D’Lo celebrates this announcement as we go to the announcers who put over Watts as the Director. Tenay says that we might get a MOTYC next week as he pimps the cage match.

 

We now go to Hudson in the back in Raven’s Lair, where he’s with Julio. Hudson asks him where Punk is…and Julio says that Punk might have gotten flaky and bailed. Raven isn’t concerned, however, because of his strong desire to get his hands on Shane Douglas. Raven says that he doesn’t care if it’s 3 on 1 or 3 on 2, he will get his revenge. Alexis Laree makes her return to TNA as she then tells Raven that she’ll be joining them then…and then almost falls trying to walk away.

 

Don Callis comes to the ring with Edward Chastain, who’s preparing for a match. He gets on the mic and says that Marketing 101 states “Give the people what they want.” According to him, the people want Chastain vs. The Sandman. I know I sure don’t.

 

Anyway, he says that Sandman is going to have to WRESTLE Chastain or else he’ll be “downsized”. This is going to be worse than I thought.

 

Edward Chastain (w/Don Callis) vs. The Sandman

 

Match Background: The week after Sandman defeated New Jack in the finals for the Hard 10 Tournament, Don Callis debuted along with Edward Chastain and told him that Hardcore Wrestling was dead. The big man then destroyed Sandman, who has not been seen since and took his Hard 10 Championship Trophy with him.

 

The Match: Damn Sandman…he’s got a short hair cut. Sandman brings his cane into the ring as Callis goes to the announce table (YES~!) to commentate. Sandman swings his cane and misses as Chastain ducks and then bowls him right over with his girth. Chastain hits a running legdrop (more like a stroll) as the fans chant loudly for Sandman. Sandman goes to the outside…and Chastain attempts a running senton off the apron and misses! Now THAT was a splat.

 

Sandman then uses a chair to elevate himself onto Chastain in a “Poetry In Motion” like move against the guard rail. Back in the ring now, Sandman connects with a running bulldog and grabs his Hard 10 cup. Referee Rudy Charles goes after him, but gets nailed in the face with it! Sandman grabs his cane and hits Chastain over the head with it! White Russian Leg Sweep! ONE…TWO…THREE!

 

Winner: The Sandman

 

After the match, Sandman grabs his trophy and pours a beer into it. On commentary, Callis says that Sandman retrieving his cup is meaningless because there is no more Hardcore wrestling.

 

He gets into the ring and starts chastising Chastain. He puts on a rubber glove and says “this is going to hurt me more than it’ll hurt you”. He kneels down…and shakes Chastain’s hand as he tells him that he’s been let go.

 

You know, as someone who’s been layed off plenty of times, that HURTS. Callis says that he’s nothing more than a victim of corporate downsizing.

 

My Opinion: Well, Chastain sure didn’t last long. Who knows why the former Iceberg isn’t being asked to stay? He didn’t get to show much as his two opponents were Norman Smiley and the Sandman. I’m pleased that they’re keeping Callis though, he’s such a good heel. The match wasn’t all bad as Chastain took a pretty big bump for a big man and I mark out for the White Russian Leg Sweep for some reason. I was going to give it a DUD. ¼*

 

In the back, according to Tenay…Shark Boy is looking for a new tag team partner. (Apparently, New Jack has left the promotion for undisclosed reasons.) Shark Boy is sitting next to the Shark Tank (read: kiddie pool) all depressed when Athena comes by wearing the Hulk Hands and speaks her first words on TNA TV as she tries to cheer him up.

 

Norman Smiley enters the picture and tries to get Shark Boy to play Candy Land or Chutes and Ladders, but SB refuses. He then tells him that he’ll teach him the Big Wiggle, which will definitely cheer him up. He starts to teach Shark Boy and Athena starts doing it too…and I can’t stop staring at her now. Hold on, I missed that entire segment, I have to rewind.

 

Anyway, Norman Smiley agrees to be Shark Boy’s partner from now on and SB agrees. They need to keep Athena as their valet. Yes, they do.

 

A rap song representing the five NYC boroughs (BRONX BABY~!) starts playing, with the swear words intact and Glenn Gilberti walks down the ramp with Simon and Swinger. I could have SWORN that it was The Baldies of ECW fame making their TNA debut with that music.

 

Norman Smiley & Shark Boy vs. Simon Diamond and Johnny Swinger

 

Match Background: These guys haven’t wrestled each other at all in TNA and this is Smiley and SB’s first time teaming up. That’s all.

 

The Match: The heels attack from behind and go to doubleteam Shark Boy, but he’s able to duck a double clothesline and get a cross body off. He’s caught though, so Smiley dropkicks SB in the back to take down both men. SB and Smiley then combine again as Smiley assists SB with a headscissors/headlock takedown on both men. Tenay says that New Jack has been suspended indefinitely because Don Callis got him fired for his Hardcore practices. Well, that surely is an interesting way of handling it.

 

Simon and Swinger get the advantage and double team SB for a two count before Simon hits the Simon Series for a two count of his own. In the middle of an irish whip, SB stops Simon….to do the Big Wiggle. Simon responds with a punch to the face.

 

SB tries to tag out, but Swinger cuts him off and starts to beat him down. He puts him in the Tree of Woe and pulls on his neck from the outside. Swinger then charges across the ring and drives his knee into him…before attempting to unmask him. Tenay points out that there are many fans at ringside with the Shark Boy mask and we get a good shot of it. Man, now I want one. Tenay then sneaks in the fact that it’ll be available on NWATNA.com soon. This does not bode well for my wallet.

 

They continue to beat him down, so the fans start to chant “Let’s Go Sharky”. Swinger puts on a sleeper, but SB is able to counter with a back suplex and follows it up with his unique jawbreaker before making the tag to Smiley. Smiley comes in and turns into a HOUSE…EN…FUEGO~! taking out both men and then hits the Big Wiggle on Diamond as Diamond put himself in a wheel barrow position. Smiley, with Swinger in the ring, tags out to Shark Boy who heads up to the top. Smiley is about to attempt the Big Wiggle on Swinger, but EATS a superkick by Diamond and falls to the outside. SB comes off the top with a missile dropkick on Swinger, but the pinfall attempt is broken up by Diamond. They shortly connect with the Problem Solver…and they get the clean win.

 

My Opinion: This match wasn’t meant to set the world on fire or anything, it was just to give Simon and Swinger some clean tag wins and momentum in their feud with AMW. Shark Boy is a cult favorite in TNA and seems to have unkillable heat, so why not throw him in there with someone, have fun and then put the other guys over? *

 

After the match, Gilberti gets on the mic and says that last week AMW were whipped like dogs. There was one person who escaped their wrath last week…so now is the time for retribution. Simon and Swinger grab Jeremy Borash and throw him into the ring where Gilberti has the strap around his neck. They hold Borash horizontally for Gilberti, but AMW come running in with straps of their own and chase the heels away. You just KNOW that a strap match is coming with these two teams.

 

Storm gets on the mic and I have a REALLY hard time decipher his redneck dialect. What I do end up getting…is that he challenges them to a strap match next week. Gilberti accepts it on behalf of the team, of course. James Storm should never touch a microphone again.

 

We now go to a pre taped talk between Mike Tenay and Vince Russo, which Tenay emphasizes is the edited version.

 

Russo on Styles: Styles is the champion because Russo and he are a team.

 

Russo on SEX: The vision is alive and well, but its on the backburner because of Jeff Jarrett. He goes on a tirade about how much he HATES Jeff Jarrett because of his stunt a few months back, making Russo’s kids cut a promo on him. Until he’s rid of Jarrett, he can’t concentrate on SEX. Please take that in the dirtiest way possible, just for me.

 

Russo on the NWA World Title: Russo says that he’s got all the power now. There have been changes because of it, such as Goldylocks no longer the interviewer for TNA. Russo says that now that he’s in control of the champion, he has all the leverage in TNA, so Tenay should show him some respect before he’s thrown out of the company.

 

In the back, Hudson is with “The Future” Chris Sabin, who is channeling RVD’s interview style. Hudson asks him when Frankie Kazarian is going to get a shot at the X Title. Sabin says that he shouldn’t have to give him another shot because the kid isn’t in his league…but Erik Watts walks in and makes Frankie Kazarian the special ref for his match tonight.

 

Chris Sabin vs. Michael Shane for the NWA:TNA X Division Title with Special Guest Ref Frankie Kazarian.

 

Match Background: This is Michael Shane’s debut in NWA:TNA. Yes, he is related to Shawn Michaels. He’s worked mostly in the Ring of Honor promotion as a heel, I believe. Kazarian and Sabin have been feuding for a few weeks now.

 

The Match: Shane comes in and twirls around like HBK during his entrance. The match starts with both men jockeying for position with armbars. Shane drop toe holds Sabin and goes into a waistlock, but gets rammed into the corner. He lands a rana on Sabin and a leg lariat for a two count from Kazarian. Sabin attacks with a knee to the midsection as he gets up and hits a springboard dropkick to the back of the head that sends Shane flying out of the ring. That COMPLETELY reminds me of Otani/Guerrero from WCW Starrcade ’95, but without the whiplash. A “Hail Sabin” chant starts up as Sabin goes to the outside, only for Shane to come back in and knock him off the apron to the bottom of the ramp. GORGEOUS Somersault Tope Con Hilo by Shane gets him a pop from Nashville as he soaks in the cheers. Shane goes to the top again as Sabin gets back into the ring, but gets caught and Sabin crotches him onto the top rope. Sabin dropkicks Shane to the outside and then turns into LUCHA SABIN~! as he hits a BEAUTIFUL springboard plancha to the outside, reminiscent of TAKA Michinoku.

 

Sabin throws Shane back in and gets a two count before putting on a surfboard stretch on HBK’s cousin. Sabin transitions it into a surfboard bodyscissors with a chinlock, only to let go and put him onto the top. Sabin looks to go for a top rope bulldog, but Shane counters and gets a swinging neckbreaker off the 2nd rope!

 

Sabin gets up, but Shane hits a flying forearm, ala HBK and goes for a suplex, but its blocked by the X Champ. Sabin turns a hammerlock into an inverted face lock, but Shane hits The Wave of the Future (not called by Tenay) for a close two count by Kazarian. Sabin then gets up…and hits a swinging DDT after bouncing off of the 2nd rope! That also gets a two count and a replay as Sabin tries the Future Shock. Shane blocks it…and hits a LOUD Superkick! ONE…TWO…NO!

 

Slugfest in the ring now, but Sabin wins it with a double kneelift to the face. Sabin picks up Shane in position for a Splash Mountain…but then flips him into a DDT! It’s official. I LOVE CHRIS SABIN. ONE...TWO...NO! The fans start chanting “That was Three” as Sabin goes to ringside and grabs the X title.

 

Kazarian takes it away from him as he tries to waffle Shane with it, allowing Shane to get a close roll up on Sabin for two. Sabin pops up and lands a HARD Yakuza kick to the face. Sabin then gets in Kazarian’s face…and pie faces him. Kazarian hits The Wave of the Future in response to it and both men are down! This action actually gets Kazarian a number of boos.

 

Shane goes for the cover…ONE…TWO… referee Rudy Charles slides in and stops the count! The ref starts arguing with Kazarian, presumably about his interference and ejects Kazarian as the ref! I’ve never seen that before. While Charles and Kazarian argue up the ramp, Sabin connects with the X Title to the head and goes for the cover. Charles comes in and counts the pinfall for Sabin.

 

Winner: Chris Sabin

 

My Opinion: Good match between the two. This was actually my first view of Michael Shane and he looked very solid, but Sabin just continues to impress with his innovative offense and heelishness. The ending was certainly different as I’ve never seen a babyface ref ejected from a match before and it lead directly to the pinfall. Shane definitely gelled well with Sabin though and if he were to stay on full time, I think he’d be a good addition to the X Division. **3/4.

 

We now go to a Mad Mikey (Crash Holly) vignette. It’s called “A Day in the Life of Mad Mikey” and it shows him waking up angry and beating up his roommates during breakfast. We’re then shown what he does in his day job as he sits in front of his computer and throws the monitor off of a ledge. Mikey is then mad at rush hour traffic. Mikey is mad at “Fat Mo’s”, a cheap fast food restaurant. He’s unsatisfied with his order…so he gets out of his car to beat up the drive thru guy. He beats up his roommates when he gets home too. I can definitely see this getting over.

 

We get a video package detailing the events that took place last week between Kid Kash and Ricky Morton. Afterwards, Hudson is in the back with Morton, who uses the clichéd “I taught you everything you know…but not everything I know” line.

 

Ricky Morton vs. Kid Kash

 

Match Background: Last week, Kid Kash interrupted a gathering of legends, including his trainer and mentor Ricky Morton of the Rock & Roll Express. He disrespected him and ended up slapping him in the face when Morton tried to talk some sense into him, leading to the match tonight.

 

The Match: Morton ends up taking his shirt off for this match, which is a bad idea in my opinion. Morton wants to go immediately, so Kash takes a breather. Sara Lee, the female legend that Kash insulted last week, is in the corner of Morton now. Kash tries to escape Morton, but can’t get out of the way of a right hand and some armdrags. Morton charges at Kash and lariats him over the top to the floor. Morton with a suicide dive at his age!? That’s right!

 

Kash gets back in and goes for a baseball slide, but Morton holds onto him and pulls him out of the ring. He lunges at Kash, only to get sent into the steel steps. Kash then comes off the top with a clothesline for a two count before going to work on Morton’s midsection. Kash chops the HELL out of Morton, but Morton almost no-sells that and punches him in the face. Kash gets a face breaker to recover and goes to work on the arm now. Sara Lee starts a “Rock and Roll” chant, allowing Morton to gain some momentum, get to his feet and hit the DREADED backslide of DEATH for two. Corsica Joe comes to ringside as well now as Morton bridges out of a pinfall, impressively. Morton goes after him with a clothesline, but Kash ducks it and hits a spin kick to put Morton down. Kash goes for his somersault dropkick across the ring, but lands on nothing as his mentor saw fit to move out of the way. Morton gets an overhead belly to belly (!) and a front dropkick on Kash before connecting with a sunset flip for two. A series of nearfalls then take place between the two men until Kash knees Morton in the eyes. He heads up top, but gets crotched and Morton goes for a rana! He almost DIES doing one of the worst looking ranas EVER, but the fans don’t chant anything. Kash holds onto the ref after that, allowing Abyss to come in and hit his kneeling Torture Rack backbreaker and Kash covers for the pinfall and the win.

 

Winner: Kid Kash

 

After the match, Kash goes after Sara Lee and gets stopped by a Morton right hand. Kash tosses a chair at him to take Morton down, but security is able to stop Kash from doing any further damage.

 

My Opinion: I honestly didn’t think that the match would be as good as it was. The last time Morton was in TNA, he looked like he couldn’t go anymore and aside from that horribly botched rana, he was able to still look credible in the ring. Kash held up his end of the bargain, but that blown spot at the end sends it own to *1/4.

 

In a continuation from last week’s 3 Live Crew skit, it’s now nighttime and B.G. James is still in semi-pimp gear. Konnan tells him that he looks like Jorge Estrada met Elton John, so James takes it off. It’s time to go eat Mexican food!

 

B.G. eats something that doesn’t sit well with him as Truth goes to the bar and tries to order some O.J….and gets Jose Cuervo instead. Next thing you know, B.G. James is in the bathroom, ejecting his food by coughing it out of his ass. How do you make low budget gross out humor funny? They dubbed Bruce’s “PUSH” song over B.G. James in the bathroom. Truth is drunk…and B.G. demands that they go to the trailer park next week. These skits are killing me. GO SOMEWHERE WITH IT ALREADY!

 

The TNA girls are in the ring now and Lollipop has the mic. She calls out Nurse Veronica and Valentina…and they come out with Trinity. Trinity then grabs them and shoves them towards the ring, insinuating that they need to do it on themselves, so they charge at the TNA girls. They get owned pretty quickly, which is sad, and Valentina ends up getting spanked with a whip. Trinity looks on in disgust. HOW DOES THIS DRAW MONEY? I know I won’t buy the show for this shit…so why do it?

 

Speaking of people who WILL draw money, we get another Chris Daniels vignette. He can’t get here soon enough! OMG~! He’s coming back NEXT WEEK. *plunks down $10 bucks* See how easy that was?

 

We get a video package on the Raven/Douglas/New Church feud.

 

Raven, CM Punk & Julio vs. Shane Douglas, Brian Lee and Slash in a Falls Count Anywhere Clockwork Orange House of Fun Match

 

Match Background: About a month ago, Raven was attacked by Shane Douglas during a match, which lead to the revelation that Father James Mitchell was behind it all. He wanted Raven to suffer and feel the pain that he felt when he was legit injured a few years ago instead of listening to Raven “whine and bitch and moan” all the time. Mitchell then threw a fireball in Raven’s face, which took him out for a couple of weeks. CM Punk, who has been trying to impress Raven in recent weeks, faced Douglas to try and get some revenge for Raven, but ended up getting a fireball in the face as well. So did Alexis when Douglas faced Julio. Raven returned two weeks ago, but so did Slash and Brian Lee, making it a 3 on 1 assault with Mitchell at the helm. They then had a 6 man tag match last week, but an unknown assailant attacked Raven in the back, working with the New Church. This allowed Shane Douglas to get a pinfall on a weakened Raven, who made the challenge for the match tonight. However, CM Punk is not here for some reason and Alexis has returned from her injury. Now, The Gathering is truly back in full force and it’s time for a 6 man tag.

 

The Match: Shane comes to the ring first, wearing a vintage Franchise shirt from ECW. There’s so many things I want…but I know I’ll never wear it. It’s just so…yellow.

 

The Gathering runs into the ring and the heels scatter, allowing Raven and his “boys” to grab some weapons first and strike anyone who tries to get into the ring. They celebrate for a while and then Alexis takes some initiative and dives out over the top onto all three men. They catch her though and throw her aside like a sack of garbage. Julio follows suit with a dive to the outside and also gets caught, but Raven baseball slides into all of them and they regain the advantage. They begin brawling on the outside, with Douglas crotching Raven on the steel guard rail and clotheslining him over. Slash nails Julio, who ends up busted open and throws it at Alexis as well. Mitchell attacks Julio as well, who then continues to get punished by the New Church. Raven is busted open by Douglas as well and Slash drives a piece of a broken crutch into Julio’s head!

 

Alexis is in the ring with Slash and he’s just abusing her! Douglas attacks Raven with a trashcan at ringside as Brian Lee gives Laree a knee to the midsection. Lee SMASHES Julio over the head with a trashcan as the fans get on Douglas’ nerves with a “Franchise sucks” chant. Slash hits the Whirly Bird on Alexis and she is DONE!

 

Lee is destroying Julio…and Raven is thrown into the ring for Douglas. Belly to Belly by Douglas! Slash and Lee go for a Doomsday Device-esque move, but Julio gets a victory roll for a close two count. Douglas disposes of Julio…and then goes after Alexis, who is just vulnerable. Lee charges at her with a big boot, but the cutie ducks and Douglas takes it right in the chest! Slash then goes to powerbomb Alexis to the outside….but she head scissors him over the top and the crowd is doing CRAZY! Unfortunately, she couldn’t escape Brian Lee, who nails her with a right hand. She gets up, only to take another punch, but Lee isn’t done yet. He whips her to the ropes, but she slides through his legs and Lee turns around to eat a double superkick from Julio and Raven!

 

Raven and Julio begin beating the SHIT out these guys with a trashcan lid and put both Douglas and Slash in abdominal stretches. Alexis grabs a kendo stick and uses it on both men to a pop!

 

Franchise gets clocked by both men simultaneously with trashcan lids and the TNA Asylum is HOT! Franchise and Raven end up brawling near the ringside area, where a table is set up and Julio goes over the top rope with Brian Lee. Raven sets up Franchise on the table and looks over at Alexis in the ring! She comes off the 2nd rope with a Tor-NADO DDT on Slash and then Raven puts Franchise through the table with an elbow off the 2nd rope to the outside!

 

All of a sudden, Raven gets pulled by his hair UNDERNEATH the ring, presumably by the same guy that pulled Raven into the locker room last week!

 

In the ring, Brian Lee chokeslams Alexis and set up a double team, but Julio comes to the rescue. He takes out Slash and nails Lee in the head with a trashcan lid. Raven appears at ringside again and Douglas drapes an arm over him for the pinfall…

 

Winners: Shane Douglas & The New Church

 

My Opinion: I’ve never been one for brawls, but this was pretty damn entertaining. Julio and Alexis especially really shined in this match and the crowd was ALIVE for this one. This wasn’t the normal “hit you over the head” hardcore match, as it had a feel as if both sides really HATED EACH OTHER~! Both teams worked as a cohesive unit and everything was going very smoothly until the abrupt finish, which hurts it. **3/4.

 

In the back, Scott Hudson is with D’Lo Brown. He asks him if he thinks he can top last week’s match and D’Lo says that its only about getting the title. He grinds an apple against a piece of a steel cage that he just HAPPENS to have by him and shreds it to hype up next week’s cage match.

 

Speaking of shilling next week’s match, West and Tenay do it for us one last time.

 

Hudson then gets to talk to AJ Styles. Styles cuts a promo for next week’s cage match. Hudson then throws it over…to a video package for our main event.

 

Legend vs. Jeff Jarrett

 

Match Background: A month ago, Legend made his debut by attacking Jeff Jarrett in defense of Vince Russo and they automatically HATED EACH OTHER~!. They attacked him with a baseball bat and injured the ribs of the former NWA World Champion and left him laying. The following week, Jarrett wanted a piece of revenge and went after both Legend and Russo during a skit where they impersonated Jarrett, but was once again the victim of a baseball bat attack. They squared off two weeks ago in Legend’s first match in TNA, with Legend actually pinning the former NWA World Champion after a baseball bat shot. Last week, they got into a brawl after one of Legend’s matches and this match was signed. It will be a guitar/baseball bat on a pole match. The guitar on one side and the bat on the other. That doesn’t bode well for any of us.

 

The Match: Jarrett charges the ring and they begin brawling with neither man having the advantage until Jarrett connects FLUSH with a dropkick to Legend’s jaw. Legend is able to come back with a knee to the midsection, focusing on the injured ribs of Jarrett. Legend starts to try and climb towards the baseball bat, but gets thrown off the top onto the guard rail. Jarrett sends him into the announce table and then back into the ring for some more punishment. Jarrett then goes for his guitar, but gets caught…and Legend sets him up for a powerbomb. JJ punches out of it though, but Legend is able to drop him down with a firemans carry slam.

 

Legend hits a MASSIVE chinlock and almost gets pinned in the process, so he breaks the hold. With Jarrett in the corner now, he charges and EATS BOOTS as JJ gets the feet up and comes out of the corner with a cross body. Legend catches him though and connects with a backbreaker for two. Legend goes to an ab stretch and begins pounding on the ribs with punches and knees. Legend then opts to go for the guitar, but Jarrett IS able to powerbomb HIM. A small “Go Jeff Go” chant starts up, but it gets drowned out quickly. Legend gets a powerslam and goes for the guitar again. Jarrett pops up and slams him off the top, setting him up for the Stroke. Legend pokes him in the eye, but Jarrett is able to counter and land The Stroke.

 

Jarrett grabs the baseball bat, but Sonny Siaki interferes and takes the bat away. Jarrett unloads on him, but Legend picks it up and hits him in the face with it. ONE…TWO…NO!

 

Siaki climbs the other pole to grabs the guitar, but security comes out and stop him! Jarrett grabs the bat and nails Siaki in the leg! Red shirt security comes in and takes the bat away, so Jarrett attacks the main security guy. The distraction ends up being costly as Legend then nails his version of the Wave of the Future as apparently EVERYONE does that move as much as the spinebuster these days and crawls over for a pinfall attempt. Jarrett kicks out at the VERY last second, so this match continues. Yay.

 

Legend climbs the pole for the guitar, but gets cut off and superplexed! Now Jarrett goes to the top , but gets caught by Legend. Both men end up on the top and Jarrett hits The Stroke off the top rope! Jarrett climbs the pole and grabs the guitar…and comes off the top! He FAKES hitting Legend with it, only to swing and miss. Legend ducks a second guitar shot and nails a superkick on Jarrett, who goes down with the guitar intact.

 

Legend grabs the bat and goes to the top. He comes off the top….only to meet Jarrett’s guitar (which DOESN’T break) and Jarrett picks him up again. Jarrett comes off the 2nd rope and connects with it for the pin.

 

Winner: Jeff Jarrett

 

My Opinion: Decent match up, but it was overbooked and they blew the finish. Hopefully, this Legend/Jarrett feud is over as it really wasn’t doing anything at all. **

 

All of a sudden…CHRISTOPHER DANIELS RUNS IN AND ATTACKS JEFF JARRETT!

 

Excuse me while I mark out.

 

HOLY SHIT!!!!! Daniels hit an Arabian moonsault on Jarrett on the outside…IN A SUIT! He continues the assault, with a running plancha using the steel steps. He grabs the bat and heads to the top as Legend gets up and hits the Stone Cutter. Daniels comes off the top with the bat, landing on the midsection of Jarrett!

 

Overall: OH…Oh I feel 10 years old again after that ending. All this time I’ve been clamoring for a Chris Daniels singles push and not only did TNA practically promise it to me, they DELIVERED it with a push against their BIGGEST STAR! Yes, I know that Jarrett probably won’t put him over as he has a case of Triple H-itis, but just having Daniels in the main event scene makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

 

I don’t remember what the rest of the show was like now.

 

Oh yeah. The X title match was decent, as was the great brawl with the New Church and the Gathering. Next week’s show looks to be a damn good one, so I’d advise getting that one if you can.

 

Don’t forget to check out my Diatribe on WWE Vengeance 2003 and leave me some feedback, buddies.

 

‘Til next week,

 

“The Dames”, Damian Gonzalez

 

To leave any type of feedback whatsoever, you may do so at [email protected]. As a matter of fact, you better.