Smarkdown!

[Guest Suicide King]

SWF Smarkdown

10-27-2003

LIVE from the SOLD-OUT SBC Center in San Antonio, Texas!

 

 

Singles Match for the United States Title #1 Contendership

Va'aiga v. Quiz

Va'aiga's attitude change in recent weeks has been vexing to the new Commissioner who considered the Maori Badass a valuable ally. However, Stevens is a fair man and cannot argue with results. Va'aiga has been on a tear since Genesis and deserves a shot at some gold. But to get it, he will have to go through the formidible skills of the one and only Quiz, who will look to work off some of the anger he has been feeling since he lost the tag straps.

 

 

Singles Match for the Intercontinental-Television Title #1 Contendership

Bastion v. Erek Taylor

Special Guest Referee: The Boston Strangler

Ever since Bastion appeared in the SWF he has been doing a great job of getting on the Commissioner's bad side. The same goes for Taylor, who reappeared at G4 only to play mind games with one of the Commissioner's allies. So... Question: Two guys you really dislike have been tearing up the joint and deserve a whiff of Gold. Solution: Pit them against each other and hope for the best, but make sure someone you trust is in charge. Grand Slam wants TBS to snap out of this funk Taylor has put him in. Putting him in matches hasn't worked, so maybe being in charge of his nemesis' match might help.

 

 

The "Don't pull the Commissioner's punk card" Match

Micheal Craven v. Xero & Jay Dawg

The Commissioner made it very clear what would happen if he were threatened or attacked in any way. Well, Craven stepped over the line on Storm. On Lockdown, he got to main event the show with the World Champ. This week... he gets his punishment.

 

 

Singles Match for the United States Title

"The Barracuda" Johnny Dangerous © v. CIA

In a battle of the secret agents, Johnny gets a chance to show the world what kind of a US Champ he will be by defending against the cagey veteran CIA. But CIA is no pushover and, after a long layoff, is hungry for SWF gold.

 

 

Tag Team Match

Xstacy & WildChild v. Justice & Rule

Mere days after being freed from the evil clutches of J&R, WC has the change to get some payback. For a partner, he has chosen someone with a similar style and an impressive track record, the new ICTV Champion, X. This one promises to be an absolute killer match, so the Commish signed it as fast as he could.

[Guest Suicide King]

Comet: Welcome back to the greatest commentary team in sports entertainment history, the Cyclone Comet and the B-Rizzle

 

Riley: Well what a great way to start the show off… wait… the B-RIZZLE?

 

Comet: Yes Robert, we have to be down with the urban youth of today.

 

Riley: But the B-Rizzle?

 

Comet: Word, Robert.

 

Riley: Aaaaaanyway. What a great way to start the show off, as the Maori Badass Va’aiga, the SWF’s most dangerous man, the psychopath who comes off last week’s brutal, sick, bloody and disgusting meeting with CIA takes on Quiz… the guy who likes gameshows.

 

“Come On Down” by Crystal Waters blares out across the PA system, as down the entranceway strides Quiz, mic in hand, false smile gleaming in the bright lights of the stage.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is scheduled for ONE fall, and is for t…

 

Quiz interrupts Funyon with an imperious raise of his hand, and waves off the Australian.

 

Quiz: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, but I’m thoroughly capable of doing my OWN introductions. Yes, back on YOUR screens, the man who’s all Hollywood and never a Square, the man who the girls all want a Love Connection with, the man who’s never in Jeopardy and always an American Idol, QUIZ!

 

The crowd boos Quiz’s self aggrandizing entrance speech and then turn to a sort of awed silence as Quiz continues….

 

Quiz: And tonight’s $64,000 question is – who am I goin…

 

And Quiz gets SMASHED face first into the cold unforgiving steel of the entrance ramp and the onrushing Maori from the back crushes his neck with a huge running Enzui-lariat. Va’aiga snorts downwards dismissively at the prone form of Quiz and prises the microphone out of his hands.

 

Va’aiga: GRAND SLAM! HIS BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS GRAND SLAM!

 

Comet: Va’aiga literally and figuratively making a statement here this evening.

 

Riley: Grand Slam Mark Stevens booked this match as a way of… umm.. actually I’m not sure why Grand Slam made this match. Possibly because he couldn’t book Va’aiga in a punishment match against himself.

 

Va’aiga grabs Quiz by the neck and leads him down the entrance ramp, whipping the unfortunate tag team specialist into the ring apron with enough force to whiplash Quiz’s neck and send Quiz down to the protective mats. Va’aiga picks quiz up again, by the hair this time and sends the cruiserweight clattering into the ring steps with a ferocious throw.

 

Riley: That isn’t in any wrestling textbook I’ve ever seen, but it sure as hell looks effective.

 

Comet: Quiz taking a licking here early on, and the match hasn’t even officially started!

 

Va’aiga lifts Quiz up off the floor and slings him under the bottom rope. Pausing to glare at the retreating Funyon, the Maori Badass steps through the ropes and flexes his neck muscles, as referee Anthony Michael Hall waves over to the timekeeper to ring the bell.

 

Comet: Well finally we’re underway here. But you have to wonder how long this match is going to last, Robert.

 

Riley: Well the Maori Badass has been mauling people here for the last few weeks, but Quiz is incredibly tenacious and far from helpless, even with the mad Maori attacking him.

 

Comet: Quiz is going to have to use his speed to counter the power of Va’aiga here.

 

Riley: Well… duh.

 

Va’aiga lifts Quiz up and goes for another Irish whip, but this time Quiz counters into a top wristlock, turning Va’aiga round through ninety degrees as he extends Va’aiga’s arm out into an armwringer. Quiz fires off a pair of quick kicks to Va’aiga’s midsection and hops up onto the second rope. With Va’aiga’s arm still held, Quiz hops again, this time to the top rope, then springboards off onto the Maori Badass’ shoulders, looking for a huracanrana. Va’aiga grimaces, and Quiz’s confident smirk turns to a look of horror as Va’aiga MURDERS the game show fixated one with a stiff release powerbomb…

 

Va’aiga: WHAKAHI À MAORI!

 

Comet: Va’aiga declaring his Maori pride there

 

Riley: If I were him I’d be proud.

 

Comet: If I were him I’d be disgusted with my actions.

 

Va’aiga peels Quiz off the mat and whips the cruiserweight into the ring ropes. Va’aiga waits on Quiz as the talented young cruiserweight hurtles back towards him, before snapping Quiz over with a lightning fast Wheel Powerslam. Va’aiga scrapes his boot across the back of Quiz’s head, grinding Quiz’s face into the mat, before picking the unfortunate Sinquizition member up again.

 

Riley: Va’aiga is one of the most brutal guys I’ve ever seen fight in a SWF ring. That’s comparing him to the Strangler, Silent, Tha Thugg….

 

Comet: That’s high praise. I’d still prefer if he was a little more choosey who to vent his limitless resource of anger on though.

 

Va’aiga grabs Quiz’s arm and wrenches him up to a vertical base, flexing his heavily tattooed other arm and sending a ripple of boos around the crowd, vicious jeering against the Maori being commonplace since his heel turn. Va’aiga wrenches Quiz’s arm back across his throat and grins evilly, as a hushed silence falls over the arena, but Va’aiga just falls back into a modified Russian leg sweep.

 

Comet: I think I’m with the crowd there, I though Va’aiga was going to pull out the Va’aiga Stinger on Quiz. The last person Va’aiga hit that devastating move on hasn’t been seen in the federation rings since.

 

Riley: I think the Maori Badass might well just be doing it to make everyone know he CAN use the move. I, of course, knew he wouldn’t go through with it then.

 

Comet: Is that burning I can smell? Because I believe your pants are on fire.

 

Va’aiga floats over, but opts not to cover, instead raining down a few stiff left hands, and as Quiz flails, trying to block the incoming blows by separating Va’aiga’s arms, grabbing hold of the Maori’s wrists, Va’aiga spots the opening and launches down a VICIOUS headbutt to the bridge of Quiz’s nose.

 

Riley: Va’aiga using his head there.

 

Comet: Not as nature intended, but as a weapon.

 

Riley: Well I think Va’aiga nature IS to use his body as a weapon.

 

Va’aiga stands and waits for the dazed Quiz to get to his feet. The Maori Badass rears back a massive right arm and blasts Quiz with a right cross that sends the cruiserweight staggering across the ring. Va’aiga crouches a little and grimaces, and Quiz slowly turns round only to be met by a TRULY SICKENING Rugby Tackle! Quiz hits the canvas at SPEED and Va’aiga hops back up to his feet!

 

Va’aiga: WHAKAMUA TE IWI!

 

Comet: I believe that’s the Maori “¡Arriba La Raza!”

 

Riley: I wonder what the Maori is for “¡Ola Ley!”

 

Comet: Or for that matter “Whoop de whoop jigga what?”

 

Riley: Now you’re just being silly.

 

Va’aiga walks over to Quiz and lifts the young star off the canvas, backing off to prepare his right elbow pad. Va’aiga charges at Quiz, but the lariat attempt gets ducked! Quiz rebounds off the far ropes and spikes Va’aiga with a dropkick!

 

Comet: Quiz is rallying! Quiz is coming back into this match!

 

Va’aiga stumbles backwards only to get caught by a second dropkick by the fired up Quiz. The crowd actually starts to get behind the normally heelish star as he dramatically shakes his fists and rushes Va’aiga, whipping his body round the Maori’s shoulders and sending Va’aiga down to the canvas with a Satellite Headscissors Takeover. Va’aiga stands slowly only to have his neck grabbed by a firm Quiz hold as the gameshow freak blasts Va’aiga down with a DDT! Quiz points skywards!

 

Comet: Quiz is fired up! Quiz could be going for the Pot Pourri 450!

 

Riley: I spotted!

 

Quiz rises up to the top rope and leaps off spinning in mid air and extending his body as he drops down onto Va’aiga… or at least his knees as THE MAORI BADASS GETS HIS KNEES IN THE WAY OF THE SPLASH!

 

Riley: He went for it too early… He went for it too early!

 

Comet: I spotted!

 

Va’aiga stands and waits for the winded Quiz to stagger up to his feet. Va’aiga shrugs his right shoulder, like a bull stomping his feet before charging at his helpless prey. Quiz staggers round to face Va’aiga and GETS SMASHED, MASHED AND CRASHED TO THE CANVAS WITH THE BIG SCARY NASTY EVIL MAORI LAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRIIIIIIAAAAAATTTTTTOOOO

 

Riley: The Lariat! Quiz goes crashing to the canvas there!

 

Va’aiga shrugs his shoulder again as Quiz, half aware of his surroundings crawls up and then stands, eyes glazed over, only there to intercept A SECOND BIG NASTY EVIL MAORI LAAAAARIAAAAAATOOOOOOOOO!!

 

Comet: That’s TWO Lariats from the Maori Badass. And Quiz looks GONE.

 

Riley: He’s in FINAL JEOPARDY!

 

Va’aiga drops to the canvas and covers…

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE!

 

Comet: And Va’aiga wins.

 

Riley: Short, brutal and abrupt. Like most of his sentences.

 

Comet: Well it looks like Va’aiga is going to go on for a United States title shot. And the question is… who can stop him?

[Guest Suicide King]

The camera shot fades back as “Numb” hits over the speaker system, which triggers a massive round of boos from the crowd. Erek Taylor comes stalking down the entrance ramp. He ignores the crowd and quickly slips into the ring before flipping a dirty look to the crowd. He looks to Funyon, who finally introduces him:

 

“This match is scheduled for one fall! Entering first, from Anaheim, California, EREK TAYLOR!”

 

Erek receives another hard round of boos. He turns and looks at Bastion, who is already waiting in the ring for the MUCH smaller man. Erek makes some snide comment, which draws a sneer from Bastion. The two men turn and take notice as “Godzilla” by Blue Oyster Cult hits over the speaker system, triggering a big cheer for the Boston Strangler, who comes walking down the entrance ramp, wearing a white and black striped referee shirt. He takes no pause, instead continuing down the ramp into the ring. He stops and acknowledges the applause for a moment, then turns to Erek and says something. Erek looks at him for a moment, then laughs. “What a jackass! I love it!” cries Riley as Strangler waits for a moment, then dejectedly turns towards Bastion, beginning to talk to him. Strangler and Bastion quickly go over the rules, then Strangler turns and calls for the bell to ring the match.

 

DING DING DING!

 

As soon as the bell rings, Erek Taylor slides back into the ring, with a steel chair in hand. He immediately launches himself forwards and cracks Bastion over the head with the chair, which sends the big man wobbling backwards. Strangler looks on in shock as Erek immediately charges forwards again and drills Bastion with a second shot. Bastion stays on his feet, but goes bouncing back against the ropes before wobbling forwards. Erek steps back, then charges forwards a third time before cracking Bastion with a BRUTAL chair shot across the bridge of the nose. Bastion stands still for a second, then goes falling backwards to the canvas with a big crash.

 

“What a heinous display by Citizen Taylor! A DQ right off the bat!”

 

“Hey, Comet, Strangler still has to DQ Erek, and he hasn’t done it yet! Don’t tell me Strangler’s too big a wuss to stand up to Erek when he’s the goddamn referee!”

 

Strangler is staring at Erek, who drops the chair to the ground. Without ever taking his eyes off of Strangler, Erek covers Bastion in a lateral press. Strangler starts to call for the bell, then stops, seemingly frozen. Erek raises his head and screams “EITHER COUNT IT OR DQ ME! DO IT, STRANGLER! DO IT!” Strangler ignores the screams, as well as the deafening “D-Q! D-Q! D-Q!” chant coming up from the crowd, instead remaining stuck within his little world. Suddenly, Strangler turns around and exits the ring, heading for the ramp. Strangler just starts walking up, with the crowd going silent behind him. The only voice is Erek Taylor’s, who has gotten to his feet and is continuing to scream at Strangler. “You’re gonna have to fight me someday, you pussy! Get your ass back here, you coward! FIGHT ME!” screams Taylor, but to no avail, as Strangler simply disappears behind the curtain.

 

“Not again…Citizen Strangler is having severe difficulties facing his fears.”

 

“He’s a goddamn coward, Comet. Time to give up on him. I hear that Dace Night isn’t a total wuss, though.”

 

After a few seconds, Nick Soapdish comes charging out of the back, and down the ramp. Erek, satisfied, turns around, only to find Bastion towering over him, with an ANGRY look on his face. Bastion locks his hand around Taylor’s neck, drawing a big round of cheers from the crowd, before lifting Taylor WAY up into the air. He pauses for a few moments, waiting for Soapdish to reach the ring, and as Nick slides into the ring, Bastion smashes Taylor into the canvas with the Untamed chokeslam. The crowd is cheering for Bastion, glad to see Taylor get his comeuppance, as Soapdish drops into position and makes the cover.

 

 

 

 

 

ONE!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

DING DING DING!

 

 

“Your winner, and the new #1 contender to the I-C-T-V Title, BASSSSSSSSSTION!”

 

“What a…weird…matchup we just saw, Comet.”

 

“Well, things have been a little weird around Strangler for the last month. Hopefully Citizen Strangler will sort his life out and truly show us what he’s made of.”

 

“Meanwhile, Xstasy will have his hands full with Bastion later on, in a match that has some history to it, despite Basiton’s relative newness to the fed. Should be a quality one, especially if X loses it.”

 

“I doubt that will happen, Robert. Now, time for another commercial break.”

 

*fade*

[Guest Suicide King]

Coming back from commercial, SWF Smarkdown rolls back into the Heart of Texas! We see several signs as the camera pans, including “PLOTS, NOT SPOTS~!” before it finally comes to rest on the (in)famous SWF announcers, sitting as usual at ringside.

 

Comet: Welcome back, citizens, to Smarkdown, flagship show of the Smarks Winner’s Federation! We’re LIVE from the SOLD-OUT SBC Center in San Antonio, Texas!! Joined as usual by my sidekick-in-training, Bobby Riley, I’m CYCLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE COMET~!

 

Riley: Shut the hell up, Comet.

 

Comet: Oh come on now, saddened sidekick! Show a little enthusiasm!

 

Riley: With how things have been going since Genesis? How can I?

 

Comet: But what a joyous occassion next! That evil Michael Craven battles both Xero & Jay Dawg in the first-ever "Don't Pull The Commissioner's Punk Card" Match!

 

Riley: I hate you, Stevens. You still piss me off, even when you’re not announcing.

 

Comet: Now now, Robert, The Commissioner made it very clear what would happen if he were threatened or attacked in any way. Well, Citizen Craven stepped over the line on Storm. On Lockdown, he got to main event the show with the World Champ. This week... he gets his punishment. Justice shall be served!

 

Riley: But he didn’t do anything! He just-

 

Comet: SILENCE, FOR I MUST EXPLAIN THE RULES! The rules for this battle are... unique. Craven will start the match handcuffed to the top turnbuckle in the corner nearest the announce table. He will be wearing a blindfold and 30 pound weights on his ankles. Xero & JD get to start the match with any weapon they want, but those will be the only legal weapons in the match.

 

Riley: This is bullshit. Stevens has gone power-mad already! Forcing Craven to fight these two defenseless and blind? King never made anyone do anything half as bad! And Craven didn’t do a thing to Stevens! What does he deserve such a punishment for?!?!

 

The lights cut out, the crowd going silent for a second. Suddenly, strobe lights pulse to the beat of the guitar and drums in the background as Saliva’s “King of My World” kicks in, the crowd beginning to boo as they realize who it is. As the first words kick in, the strobes cut out, a pale blue light covering the arena, illuminating the figure of Michael Craven as he walks out onto the stage, no expression visible on his shadowed face, but underneath the darkness, lingers the face of a man who looks like he’s going to his execution. Continuing his slow walk down to the ring, he turns around at the top of the ramp, walking backwards as he stretches his arms out wide, soaking in the crowd’s jeers. Halfway down the ramp, though, he abruptly spins back around, swinging his right arm in a straight path across the top of the stage.

 

 

“BOOM!”

 

 

A huge blast of bright white pyro kicks up, the smoke lingering on stage for quite some time as Craven finishes the spin, continuing his walk to ringside without interruption.

 

Funyon: The following Genesis IV Tournament match is scheduled for one-fall! Introducing first, from Tampa, Florida, weighing in at 280 pounds... ladies and gentlemen, The King Of Nightmares... MICHAEL CRAVENNNNN!!!

 

Entering casually through the middle and top ropes, Craven quickly scales the turnbuckle closest to him, opening his arms wide and soaking in the crowd’s response, a chorus of heavy boos, as a white spotlight shines down upon him, casting shadows across his face. Bringing his arms down, he stares out into the crowd, trying to hide any apprehensions or fears he may have.

 

Riley: This man is a true hero. He faces certain doom, yet he still comes out to fight it! What a man!

 

Comet: But he still won’t give you a blowjob, homoerotic hailer of heroes!

 

Riley: I wish you didn’t have the mind of a kindergartener, Comet...

 

Craven hops down, only to be mobbed by several referees, who quickly cuff him to the turnbuckle and go about buckling down the 30-pound weights on his legs before...

 

“BOOM~! BOOM-BOOM~! BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-KABOOM-BOOM-BOOM~!”

 

Multiple fireworks explode around the arena, rafters, and entrance ramp, producing a shitload of smoke while the lights go out...

 

 

 

“THIS

 

 

IS

 

 

MAH

 

 

HOUSE~!!”

 

The pre-recorded voice of Jay Dawg echoes throughout the arena as Rammstein’s “Du Hast” plays, minus the lyrics. The heavy beat tunders 360 degrees throughout the arena before JD himself steps through the curtain, head bowed down. He walks out to the top of the rope, holding in one hand a steel chair as he slowly raises his head to look out at the scene before him. He lowers it again, but it is now plastered with a smile of not-so-good intentions as he makes his way down to the ring

 

Funyon: And his opponents: First, from Vancouver, British Columbia, weighing in at 243 pounds... JAYYYYYYY DAWGGGGGGGGG!

 

He enters the ring at this point, placing his hands on his thights, and slowly, he cricks his neck. Then, he steps back into his corner, resting on the turnbuckle while waiting for the refs to finish up with Craven... so he can rip him apart.

 

Comet: Here comes Citizen JD, his weapon with evil-vanquishing powers at his side! He shall throw down his enemy and smite his remains upon the mountainside!

 

Riley: But there’s only one problem... Craven’s not going to lose... and there’s no mountains, you idiot.

 

The lights drop to a scarlet red as “Frantic” by Metallica kicks in. At that point, the kendo stick-wielding Xero steps onto the stage, making his way down to the ring.

 

Funyon: And from Port Colborne... Ontario, Canada, weighing in at 210 pounds... XEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOO!

 

Xero quickly slides into the ring, going to the turnbuckles before rasing both arms up into the air. At that point, he quickly removes his ring entrance gear and hops down, twirling the stick as he warms up.

 

Comet: I cannot wait for this match to begin!

 

Riley: Then you sit here and watch it. I’m going to the bathroom.

 

The refs finish strapping down the weights to Craven’s legs, blindfolding him last, giving him one last glimpse at what he is about to endure. But as Craven settles back into his corner...

 

 

“CRACK!”

 

...He gets nailed in the back by JD’s steel chair! The ref immediately signals for the bell, and we’re underway!

 

DING DING DING!!!

 

Comet: Quick start to this match-

 

“CRACK!” Another chair shot flies into Craven’s back, dropping him to his knees. He tries to put his arm up to block, but-

 

“CRACK!” JD breaks through with a third chair shot, sending collapsing into the corner. Craven remains there, waving his head back and forth in the “NO!” motion in a blind attempt to get Jay Dawg to stop. How foolish.

 

“CRACK!” Jay Dawg unloads with a chair to the chest, causing Craven to scream out of the way, Xero trying to force his way in for some shots on Craven.

 

Comet: Zounds! The first shots of liberty rign out, and Citizen Craven has been sent packing!

 

“CRACK!” A kendo stick shot to the side of Craven’s head! The King of Nightmares screams in blinded pain, unable to block the shots, as he doesn’t know where they are coming from exactly. Craven groans, but Jay Dawg drops his chair for a second, grabbing on to the top rope to brace himself as he begins to stomp a hole into Craven’s chest!

 

Comet: And now Jay Dawg opens up with ferocious boots to the chest of Craven!

 

Craven cries out with each brutal stomp as the crowd calls out for more violence, Jay Dawg continuing to stomp a hole into Craven’s chest as Xero backs up to the other corner. Jay Dawg stomps his mudhole stomping for a second, grabbing the steel chair. He places it in front of Craven’s face as Xero charges across the ring, leaping forward and thrusting his feet out-

 

 

“CRACK!”

 

 

Slamming Craven in the face with a dropkick onto the steel chair!

 

Comet: An impressive display of brutality from these two freedom-fighters! Craven cannot stop them from destroying his evil-infested body!

 

Craven cries out loudly, but Jay Dawg is not satisfied. Turning to face the crowd of ringside attendants, he commands them to let his victim go.

 

Jay Dawg: Uncuff him, bitch!

 

The timekeeper sends an SWF employee up with the key, JD screaming at him to move faster as he hops up onto the apron and reaches over to the turnbuckle Craven has been chained to. He inserts the key in the keyhole, and with a quick turn...

 

 

“CLICK!”

 

 

The King of Nightmares has been freed, only to be face with a greater punishment ahead now that he is mobile.

 

Comet: This certainly is unorthodox... releasing an apprehended criminal? I sure hope they know what they are doing...

 

Jay Dawg grabs hold of Craven, pulling him to his feet after his uncuffing before he nails him in the head with a shot to the temple. Craven staggers back, but Xero nails him in the back of the head with his kendo stick!

 

“CRACK!”

 

Craven doubles over, grabbing the back of his head as he cries in pain, but Jay Dawg grabs Craven around the head, and spinning quickly, swings Craven into a spinning neckbreaker!

 

Comet: What a super-powerful combination! That kendo stcik shot, then the spinning neckbreaker from Citizen Drazon!

 

Craven’s neck slams into the mat, Mike crying out loud, but Jay Dawg scrambles on top of Craven, pinning him to the mat! Kivell drops to count…

 

 

One!

 

 

Tw-Craven kicks out! The King of Nightmares perseveres through the pain to keep himself in the match, but Jay Dawg mounts Craven before he can get to his feet, battering him with forearms shots to the head!

 

Comet: Well, Jay Dawg does not seem to have his thirst for justice quenched yet...

 

Jay Dawg continues to beat on The Gulf Coast Hurricane until Craven slides his legs under Jay Dawg’s body and kicks him off top of him. Both men rise to their feet, but Jay Dawg grabs Craven’s arm and Irish whips him! Craven hits the ropes and flies back at The Hardcore Maniac, but he ruins Jay Dawg’s plans as he begins to fight back, leaping into the air and taking JD down with a wild clothesline! Both JD and Craven hit the mat, Mike trying to rise to his feet with the blindfold still on, but Xero catches him off-guard, spinning around and nailing Craven in the face with a spinning heel kick! Craven drops to the mat, grabbing his head with one hand and tugging at the blindfold with the other until Xero pries Craven’s hand off the blindfold, pulling him up to his feet. As he pulls Craven up, he knees him in the side of the head, forcing a painful yelp from The King of Nightmares. Craven staggers back, but Xero turns around and throws his hip into Craven’s side, taking down a blindfolded Craven with a quick hip toss! Craven slams into the mat, but Xero grabs him by the hair, pulling him back up before he can rest long on the canvas. As Xero lifts Craven to his feet, he attacks, pummeling his head with right fists like a prizefighting boxer on a speed bag. Craven takes each blow as the punches come at longer and longer intervals, but Xero quickly catches him off guard with a knee lift into the ribs of Craven. Michael doubles over, allowing Xero to grab him around the head and drop back into a DDT, planting the weakened neck of Michael Craven into the mat!

 

Comet: DDT from Xero, going right for Michael’s weak point, his neck!

 

As Craven hits the mat, Xero rolls him onto his back and covers him for a pinfall. Kivell drops to the mat to count:

 

 

One!

 

 

Tw-Kickout by Craven! The crowd pops loudly for the kickout while Xero gets onto his knees and grabs Craven, pulling him slowly back up onto his feet...

 

 

...but Craven tackles Xero to the mat! Both men go down as Jay Dawg jumps in to stop Craven, but the King of Nightmares rolls out of the way slowly, and reaching up, tugs at the blindfold, pulling it from in front of his eyes.

 

Comet: Good Lord! Craven’s pulled the blindfold off him! But he’s still got those weights to deal with! How mobile will he be with 30 pounds attached to each leg?

 

He cries out briefly, the bright lights blinding him for a second, but spotting a shadow, he ducks out of the way, barely missing a chair shot from Jay Dawg!

 

“CRACK!”

 

The chair hits the ground, Jay Dawg drawing it back up to his face, but as he begins to lift it back up for a second chair shot, Craven throws his legs out with all the force he can muster, lifting them up barely enough for him to kick the chair, sending it flying back into Jay Dawg’s face!

 

“CRACK!”

 

The Hardcore Maniac falls onto his back, dropping the chair as Craven turns himself over and begins to crawl for the ropes.

 

Comet: Sweet mercy! Craven is fighting back! Evil has gained a foothold in this battle!

 

He grabs hold of the middle rope, slowly using it as leverage to pull him up...

 

 

“CRACK!”

 

 

But Xero nails him in the back with his kendo stick! Craven releases the middle rope, grabbing his back in agony, his bid to get to his feet by himself cut short. Xero, though, does help him get to his feet, grabbing him by the hair and pulling him up.

 

Comet: And just as Craven was gaining steam, Citizen Xero heroically saves the day with a shot to the back of the neck!

 

Xero silently pulls Craven to his feet with ease, holdng him by the head with one hand as he brings the other one up into the air. His expression is cold, unchanging even as he slams his hand down into Craven’s sternum, slapping the exposed skin with the palm of his hand!

 

“SLAP!”

 

Crowd: Woooooo!

 

Craven clutches his chest, quietly grunting under his breath from the stinging blow. Xero grabs Mike’s arm from his chest, pulling it to his side before he smashes his hand into Craven’s chest with another open-handed slap!

 

“SLAP!”

 

Crowd: Woooooo!

 

Craven’s cry of pain is slightly more audible with the second chop, as the silent, insane monster draws his arm back, landing a third open-handed slap into Craven’s chest!

 

“SLAP!”

 

Crowd: Woooooo!

 

Craven grabs his chest again, crying with the same volume as before. Unrelenting, Xero boots Craven in the gut, forcing to him double over. Once there, Xero reaches over, grabbing Craven around the waist. Pausing briefly, he then lifts him into the air, only to stop with Craven just millimeters above the ground, unable to lift Craven any further. Why? Because Craven simply weights too much, the leg weights adding an additional 60 pounds to his 280 pound frame, making him 340 pounds and making it unable to throw him into the gutwrench suplex. Xero lowers Craven back to the mat, taking in deep breaths as he tries to recover for another lift, but suddenly, The King of Nightmares uses all the strength he has, lifting Xero off the mat, and then letting gravity take over, slams his former tag team partner down to the mat with a northern lights suplex~!!!!

 

Comet: A beautiful ploy by Michael Craven, whom Xero could not suplex with the leg weights still attached to him! When Xero put him down, he struck, countering into the suplex! What cleverly-devised trickery!

 

As they hit the mat, Craven manages to hold onto Xero, everyone watching on as Kivell drops to make the count...

 

 

One!

 

 

Two-Kickout by Xero before two! The bridge breaks, causing Craven to fall to the mat, where both men lie for a second, catching their breaths before they begin to ascend.

 

Comet: And Citizen Craven doesn’t even get two from the quick counter! Perhaps those

 

As the two men rise, Mike reacts first, catching Xero in the face with a left hook! Xero’s head whips around, but he quickly whips it back, swinging his arm around with it, his palm slamming to The King of Nightmares’ chest!

 

“SLAP!”

 

Crowd: Woooooo!

 

Craven grabs his chest in pain, but Xero follows up the slap, nailing Michael Craven with a hard right overhand jab! Craven staggers back as Xero hits him with a second such punch before turning and running to the ropes, using his speed to his advantage. Hitting the ropes...

 

 

“CRACK!”

 

 

Craven grabs the back of his head and drops to his knees, crying out in pain as Jay Dawg stands behind him, wielding Xero’s kendo stick as he nails Craven before Xero can! Jay Dawg, though, grabs Craven by the hair, pulling him to his feet before he whips him to the ropes. Craven comes lumbering back as Xero joins JD for a double team move...

 

 

 

“WHAM!”

 

 

But a recovered Michael Craven leaps into the air at them, taking both men down with a double clothesline!

 

Comet: Holy mother of Thoth! Michael Craven gets in a sneak attack on Xero and Jay Dawg! Both men are down... but what will he do now?

 

As the two men hit the mat, Craven reaches down, tugging at the buckles that hold the weights to his ankles. He frees one of them on his right leg, frantically trying to pull the other one out as Jay Dawg and Xero rise to their feet. His hands work quickly, trying to free the weight...

 

 

“THUNK!”

 

 

And he succeeds.

 

 

The crowd boos loudly as he goes to work with the other, but as he begins to, Jay Dawg ascends, charging at Craven. Sensing a threat, Craven turns, now facing Jay Dawg. Quickly reacting to the Canuck’s charge towards him, The Gulf Coast Hurricane stops him cold, lifting his freed boot up and connecting hard with Jay Dawg’s chest! The Hardcore Maniac takes a tremendous fall, slamming into the mat with the same force he was running At Michael Craven with, the crowd quieting down, but only for a second before they loudly boo.

 

Comet: OH! What a boot to the chest from Citizen Craven! Jay Dawg looks like he got caught pretty bad in the sternum by that shot!

 

Jay Dawg grabs his chest, lying back-first on the mat, eyes clenched in pain as Xero now rises off the mat. Craven has gone back to trying to the weights, working on the second one. He fidgets with the top buckle, unhitching it quickly, but has to pause in order to deal with Xero. Looking over, he sees JD’s chair, and reaching over grabs hold of it, shuffling towards Xero due to the weight on his leg. As Xero rises, Craven takes a big swing, nailing him in the head with the steel chair!

 

“CRACK!”

 

Xero drops to the mat like a rock, allowing Craven to reach down...

 

 

“KA-THUNK!”

 

 

And unhitch the second weight from his leg!

 

Comet: By Justice’s Word! Craven has freed himself of the weights! He’s now free to take on both men however he sees fit!

 

As Craven gets to his feet, Jay Dawg rising to his, he drops to his knees as he grabs Jay Dawg, throwing him over onto his back with a fireman’s carry! Jay Dawg hits the mat hard, landing on his back again, but once more, he perseveres and rises to his feet, just in time for...

 

 

“SLAP!”

 

 

... a hard slap across the chest!

 

 

Crowd: WOOOOO!!!

 

 

Craven quickly draws his arm back, smiling as he swings forward...

 

 

“SLAP!”

 

 

...and slaps Jay Dawg across the chest with another hard chop!

 

 

Crowd: WOOOOO!!!

 

 

Craven then quickly switches over to right hands, delivering two hard ones to Jay Dawg’s temple before he slams Jay Dawg with a surprise right hook, knocking the Hardcore Maniac down, but not out.

 

Comet: Michael Craven is doing what he needs to in order to win this match. He’s not letting Jay Dawg get any opportunities to turn the momentum against him now!

 

As Jay Dawg gets to his feet, Craven draws his arm back, hitting Jay Dawg across the face with a hard left hook! Another hard blow into Jay Dawg’s face dazes him, allowing Craven to grab him by the arm and whip him to the ropes! Jay Dawg hits them, bouncing right back off. As he flies back at the King of Nightmares, Craven collects him across his chest, then spins and drops to the mat, slamming Jay Dawg down with an Irish whip powerslam! Jay Dawg cries out as Craven holds on, covering him for another pin-fall attempt!

 

 

One!!!

 

 

Kickout by Jay Dawg! The crowd pops loudly for Jay Dawg’s kickout, but an angry, determined Craven quickly gets to his feet and peels Jay Dawg of the mat, grabbing him by the wrist and whipping him back to the ropes.

 

Comet: A vigilant effort by Craven, but he does ineed look to be hurting from those blows he suffered earlier! I don’t know how much longer he can stand!

 

As Comet comments, though, Bobby Riley re-appears, stepping over the guard rail and assuming his position in the announce booth, a big tub of popcorn in one arm.

 

Riley: Hey, Comet. This is some good popcorn. What’d I miss?

 

Comet: A dramatic turn of events, Robert! You should have seen it! Craven escaped his shackles and has wreaken havoc upon Jay Dawg and Xero!

 

Riley: Oh, sounds cool... *long pause* ...WHAT?!?!?!?!

 

As Riley jumps back into his seat, Craven catches Jay Dawg around the waist off the ropes, lifitng him overhead and releasing him into a belly-to-belly suplex, causing him to fly across the ring!

 

Riley: WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS?!?!

 

Comet: I did, Robert! I gave you my extra CometPager! It should be set on the ultra-silent CometVibrate mode!

 

Riley: Vibrating? I didn’t feel a thing.

 

Comet: Bobby, don’t tell me.

 

Riley: I know it’s in here somewhere...

 

Comet looks over to see Riley reaching into his pants. Make up your own mental picture here until the next line.

 

Riley: Oh, here it is. It was in my back pocket the whole time. Now what were you saying?

 

 

As both men slowly get to their feet, Jay Dawg reaches out and touches a rising Craven, firing off two quick right hands before grabbing his arm, and as he pulls him up, Irish Whips Michael to the ropes. Kibs flies at him and bounces back, but ducks down as Drazon swings forward, attempting a powerful lariat. Michael throws on the brakes, spins around, and catches Jay Dawg from behind, locking him around the waist and whipping Jay Dawg back, executing a perfect dragon suplex! As if that wasn’t enough, Craven rolls through onto his feet, now holding onto Jay Dawg’s arms as he whips Jay Dawg back into a dragon suplex! The two suplexes result in double the neck droppage on Jay Dawg, but Craven rolls through that one, albeit slower, and as he gets to his feet this time, briefly pauses before he drops Jay Dawg on his neck, releasing him on a second dragon suplex that sends Drazon neck-first into the mat! The crowd, not having seen this move on a regular basis, reacts with the only thing that comes to mind:

 

Crowd: Ho-ly shit! Ho-ly shit!

 

Riley: Craven is Chasing The Dragon, and Jay Dawg is feeling the effects of it!

 

Comet: That looked painful! I’m not sure what’s worse: taking three dragon suplexes in a row, or three piledrivers in a row!

 

Craven hits the mat after the third suplex, but before he can do anything, a risen Xero drives a boot up into Michael’s face, driving him into the mat and flipping him over before he lands on the mat again on his chest. Craven grabs his chest in pain, but Xero grabs him pulling him to his feet and running to the ropes. As he comes off them, he leaps into the air, trying to leg lariat Craven, but he ducks! Xero staggers forward, Craven ducking behind him, putting his head between the Spectacle's legs and standing up so that Xero is sitting on Craven's shoulders, in position for the one move that might be able to end the insanity. And as Craven grabs Xero’s legs and swings him down to the mat, the electric chair drop he hits slams Xero to the mat chest first, just as the doctor ordered. However, Craven falls onto his back, too exhausted at the second to make the cover.

 

Comet: ELECTRIC CHAIR DROP!!! But Craven’s too exhausted to make the pin!!!

 

Riley: Get up!! Get up and make the pin!!! You’ve got this won!!! You’ve got this won, Craven!!!

 

The King of Nightmares soon sits up, though, and slowly rolling Xero over, covers him for what might be the last time in this match!!!!

 

One!!!

 

 

Two!!!

 

 

 

 

 

THRE-NO!!! Xero barely manages to get the kickout, and Craven can’t believe it!!! Slowly now, he begins to stand up, crying out in pain.

 

Riley: DAMMIT! How’d he miss that?!?! That was three for sure! He needs to get up and keep going!

 

The King of Nightmares is almost to his feet when out of nowhere comes Jay Dawg, nailing Craven in the head with a hard kick! Craven goes down, landing on the mat. As Jay Dawg stands, though, moving towards Craven, The King of Nightmares grabs hold of something, leaping up and lunging at Jay Dawg as he hits him in the face!

 

“THUNK!”

 

The heavy weight drops to the mat with both Craven and Jay Dawg, the Hardcore Maniac slamming to the mat, where he lies, a glazed over look in his eyes. Craven begins to get up, though, a large smile of pleasure spread across his face.

 

Comet: What a dastardly cheap shot from Citizen Craven! He illegally used that accursed weight to knock the innocent Jay Dawg out!

 

Riley: Look at that smile on his feet! He didn’t cheat because he had to... he did because he wanted to!

 

Craven rises to his feet, Jay Dawg having been dealt with, but as he turns around to confront Xero, Craven’s former tag partner quickly moves forward, grabbing him around the head in a 3/4 facelock...

 

 

 

...but Craven pushes Xero in the back before he can be Diamond Cuttered! Xero staggers forward, thrown off by the counter, but Craven grabs him by the wrist, turning around and doing the same with the other one, lifting Xero up into the crucifix position.

 

Riley: Well, this is certainly interesting. What’s he going to do now.

 

The crowd watches as Craven lifts Xero up over his head, but instead of powerbombing him, he pulls Xero’s arms behind his back while he hooks them over his head, Xero now trapped in a double underhook over Craven’s head. Craven then swings him down in front of him, dropping to his knees and planting Xero’s head into the mat...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...WITH A TIGER DRIVER ‘91~!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

[*b]“THUD~!”[/b]

 

 

Comet: HOLY... SCALES... OF JUSTICE~!!!!!!

 

Riley: Uhhhhh... uhhhhh... I... uhhhhh... I... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

 

Xero limply falls to the mat, the crowd in stunned silence as Craven covers Xero, Kivell dropping to count...

 

 

One!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE!!!

 

 

 

 

DING DING DING!!!!

 

“King Of My World” begins to blare over the speakers as Kivell signals that this one’s over, getting the belt from the timekeeper.

 

Funyon: Your winner... MICHAEL CRAAAAAAVENNNNN!!!

 

Riley: ...What WAS that? I’ve never seen anything like it before! It looked about 3,000 more painful than the normal Tiger Driver, though...

 

Craven begins to stir a little, barely moving as Xero is tended to by the ref. Slowly, Craven sits up, looking over at his former tag team partner as Kivell calls for help. The visual of Xero lying in the ring, immobile for the moment makes him smile, and as the copyright info flashes on the bottom of the screen, the grin grows wider and wider, pride pumping through the body of the King of Niightmares once more as he feels something he hasn’t enjoyed in a few weeks, a few long, agonizing weeks:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That good feeling you get after you tear someone apart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And he loves that feeling.

[Guest Suicide King]

The SBC Center in San Antonio, Texas.

 

Inside the arena, crowds of people packed tighter than a can of Sardines, cheer and scream to the point of losing their voice as SWF Smarkdown returns from commercial break!

 

“Welcome back, Citizens!” says Cyclone Comet in his ever so cheerful voice. “You are just in time for a little bit of match that many fans have being dying to see! I know I have!”

 

“That sure doesn’t say much.” scoffs Riley. “Besides, who the hell wants to see back stabbin’ Johnny Dangerous versus CIA anyway?”

 

“Surely you just, Citizen Robert! Do you not realize what this is? This is like Spiderman versus Batman, It’s Agent versus Agent, and not only that, BUT for the United States Title too!”

 

“I think your over exaggerating this just a tad, Comet. Johnny and CIA are hardly even comparable to Spiderman or Batman! This is more like Howard the Duck versus the Blue Beetle.”

 

“So I take it your not going to give us a prediction on who you think will win this one, Citizen Robert?”

 

“If I had a choice,” says Bobby, “I wouldn’t have to watch this match. I mean every one at home can just flip the channel right now, but I am forced to sit here and endure such crap fest such as the one we are about to see.”

 

“So I take it your placing your bets on Johnny then?” ask Comet

 

“Yeah, at least I know he has at least an ounce of intensity inside him after watching his Genesis Four match against the Wildchild.”

 

DING! DING!

 

Sexton Hardcastle - the Official for this match, jogs down to the ring as Funyon who is already inside the ring, raises his microphone to his lips.

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen! The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the United States Heavyweight Championship! Introducing First... ”

 

The lights in the arena fade to almost nothing, and the intro to the Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Can't stop" begins to gush from the speakers. As the beat climbs, small strobes of light begin flashing at various point along the stage in time with the drum backbeat. These strobes slowly get brighter, until they suddenly are replaced by very small bursts of pyro along the stage, in perfect time with the backbeat. These pyro get bigger, as the beat approaches a crescendo, finally culminating in two large explosions of pyro that occur right around center stage, just as the guitar riff shifts in to replace the drums.

 

“... The Challenger! Weighing in at two hundred forty five pounds and hailing from Ottawa, Ontario, Canada! He is the Canadian Intelligence Agent...”

 

 

“C!”

 

“I!”

 

“A!”

 

 

CIA rises up from below the stage, coming up into the center of a small cloud of smoke that has been formed between the two explosions of pyro. He raises both arms and points out towards the fans as he begins to make his way down the aisle. Behind him, the Smarktron displays CIA's face in front of a waving Canadian flag, as well as various shots of CIA smirking in the direction of the camera, and one or two clips of CIA's greatest in ring moments.

 

“CIA took a tough loss to Va’aiga in the Steel Chair Challenge on Lockdown,” says Comet, “but the Canadian Intelligence Agent is here tonight, and he looks rip-roaring ready to go!”

 

“Actually,” says Bobby, “after the BEATING he received at the hands of the Maori Badass, I’m shocked that he is even still living! What doesn‘t make sense to me is how CIA gets a United States Title shot after loosing, while Va’aiga was placed in a number one contenders match for the US Title tonight. This just goes to prove how stupid our new Commissioner is. If only King were still here.”

 

“You really should watch those disparaging remarks towards Grand Citizen Slam.” says Cyclone Comet. “You saw the predicament Michael Craven got himself into for going against the Commissioner.”

 

“Grand SPAM ain’t got nothing on me.” replies Bobby rolling his eyes. “Why I used to own him on the Commentary Table in fact. I wonder if I could be Commissioner of the SWF, cause I’d probably own him on THAT one just as well.”

 

“I don’t think that would project a very good image at all.”

 

“...”

 

“...”

 

“What are you trying to say?”

 

“Nothing...”

 

CIA climbs into the ring and begins to run the ropes as the house lights dim, and a sexy female voice says:

 

 

“JOHNNY DANGEROUS!”

 

 

Instantly, the shrill of a five thousand fans ring out! Those close to the crowd barricade rush in to get a closer look at the Secret Agent as the last remnants of his name echo about the arena and the theme to “MI2” thunders across the arena! The SmarkTron™ flashes to life with various shots of nude women covered in oil dancing across the screen as Johnny Dangerous himself swipes aside the curtain, and emerges from backstage! He smiles broadly while looking out to the fans, then reaches down to his waist line, unbuttons the bottom button of his suit coat, and flings it wide open to reveal his new found prize - The SWF United States Title belt!

 

“Weighing in at two hundred seventeen pounds, and hailing from Las Vegas, Nevada! He is the current SWF United States Heavyweight Champion. JOHNNNNNNNNNNNNY DANGEROUSSSSSSSSSSS!”

 

“Johnny Dangerous is making his first defense here tonight after winning the title on Lockdown.” reports Bobby. “Something of a catastrophe if you ask me, lets just hope our situation doesn’t get any worse. I‘d hate to think of a Canadian having our precious United States Title.”

 

“It wouldn’t be the first time, Citizen Robert.” says Comet. “Johnny definitely has the momentum going into this match, but I think it will be the Agent from Canada that comes out on top tonight!”

 

Johnny slides into the ring and heads straight for a corner turnbuckle. Climbing up to the second rope of it, he unfastens the United States Title Belt and raises it out to the crowds! After a moment of holding his pose for the exploding flashbulbs, Johnny hops down and hands off the belt to the Referee, heading to the middle of the ring where CIA already awaits. Sexton holds the belt out for all to see, then hands it off to an outside ring attendant and signals for the bell.

 

DING! DING! DING!

 

“And this match is officially underway.” says Bobby.

 

With the crowds cheering on, the two agents make a quick circle of each other, then simultaneously lunge for the other, clashing with a collar and elbow tie up! For a heated second, the pair seem evenly matched until the Barracuda manages to POWER the Canadian back into the ropes, and begins forcing him down backwards against the top rope! Johnny breaks the tie up just long enough to wind up his deadly fist and swing for CIA’s jaw, but the Canadian throws up a forearm for the block and slinks a sharp elbow into the side of Johnny’s face! The American Agent is stunned just long enough for CIA to peel himself off the ropes into a standing position, but that’s all the Canadian is going to get for now. Johnny quickly fires a lighting quick jab into CIA’s forehead, then another, and once again the Canadian Agent is finding himself sucked into the clutches of the ring ropes!

 

“Johnny Dangerous is taking early control of this match.” says Bobby. “... and people wonder WHY we mock the Canadians.”

 

“It wouldn’t happen to be for the same reasons as we mock you, would it, Bobby?”

 

“Shut up, Comet.”

 

Johnny lets out a subtle growl as he grabs onto CIA by his shoulder, and tries to force him back down over the top rope again, but the Foreigner tries to shove back and keep himself out of such a predicament! The Barracuda slams his knuckles into the Canadian’s jaw to try and subdue CIA’s struggling, which seems to work. That is until Hardcastle shouts to Johnny, ordering him to quit using the ropes before he begins a ten count.

 

“Sexton Hardcastle is giving absolutely NO lead way for this match up.” says Comet.

 

An unintentional distraction that grabs Johnny’s attention for a second, and a second is all the Canadian needs. He quickly smacks Johnny’s arm away from him, and lunges for the Barracuda with an elbow!

 

WHACK!

 

“CIA nearly took his head off there!” says Comet. “It looks like something might have just light that fire under his-”

 

“-Ashton Krutcher and Demi Moore dating!” shouts Bobby thumbing through an issue of people magazine at least two months old. “Damn bitch always gets the good ones!”

 

“By Hecate, Bobby!” snaps Comet as he snatches the magazine away. “Pay attention to the match, you beast! Let’s just hope you can keep up to date on this.”

 

The crowds howl magnificently as Johnny is knocked straight off his rocker, stumbling several steps back from the surprising strike. CIA closes in with a second, and a third elbow strike to the head, then floats to the side of the Barracuda and locks in a side headlock! He tightens his grip as hard as he can, almost popping Johnny’s brains out of his skull as the Barracuda bucks and flails, trying to get free! He backpedals CIA into the ropes, bounces back, and manages to shove the Canadian off of him! CIA doesn’t even stop for a breath - He heads straight for the far ropes, bounces off, and comes charging back towards Dangerous! Johnny quickly drops to the mat, but CIA floats over! He keeps his momentum going strong as he dashes towards the opposite side of the ring, hits the ropes, springs back towards the Barracuda-

 

WHAM!

 

 

“... and finds a dropkick waiting for him!” says Bobby as the CIA is absolutely floored after two feet sink into his chest! “Again the American dominance just shines right on through!”

 

Johnny scrambles across the mat, and heaves his body over CIA’s for a cover.

 

 

ONE!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!!!!!!!!

 

KICK OUT!!

 

“Barely a two count for the Barracuda.” says Comet. “So far in this match he has taken it straight to the Canadian Agent. CIA is going to need to utilize some of his Special Agent training to get past Johnny Dangerous!”

 

“How do we even know he’s a real Canadian Agent?” says Bobby. “I’m mean we all know Johnny is after his cover got blown, but what about CIA here? What’s he even done to prove his authenticity?”

 

“Well I’m not sure,” Comet replies, “but what we DO known is that CIA IS an established ring veteran with quite a storied history.”

 

CIA pushes himself off the mat with one hand while gently massaging his throbbing chest with the other, and stands to his feet. Johnny storms across the ring and sinks a quick punch into CIA’s forehead, then grabs him by his arm and whips him across the ring! CIA hits the ropes, and bounces back towards the Barracuda who swings out his foot while spinning on one heel, but the Canadian ducks under and heads for the opposite ropes!

 

“CIA just narrowly missed a Roundhouse kick by Johnny Dangerous.” says Bobby.

 

CIA hits the ropes again, and charges back for the kill, but is caught by surprise as he swings his arm out for a clothesline, but misses and hands his arm right over to Johnny. The Barracuda grabs hold of CIA’s arm and swings around behind him, using the Canadian’s own arm to place a choke hold onto CIA, then Johnny jumps up and drops the Canadian Agent into the canvas with a quick snap!

 

“Neck breaker by Johnny Dangerous, using CIA’s own arm to bring him down!” says Bobby. “I never knew Johnny was such an improve specialist!”

 

“He’s a Secret Agent. Citizen Robert.” Comet replies. “It’s both of these men’s nature to use whatever they can to bring their opponent down.... Even if it requires using your opponents limbs against them.”

 

The crowds cheer magnificently for the maneuver, and even more as Johnny drops down for the cover.

 

 

 

ONE!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TH - KICK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

CIA delivers enough strength to power his shoulder off the mat, but stays grounded to the mat. Johnny, on the other hand, stands to his feet and makes way towards the edge of the ring. He steps through the ropes, and heads to the turnbuckle - fans begin buzzing with excitement!

 

“Johnny’s going up,” says Comet, “and so early in this match!”

 

“Why wait?” Bobby replies. “If you can put away your opponent early on, why wait to grab a victory? I mean, what, you want to give your opponent a chance to win?”

 

Johnny ascends to the top, and stands tall, but with his back facing the crowds. The fans hold their breath - watching as Johnny Dangerous bends down, and HURLS himself into the air! He back flips in mid air as he draws near CIA’s body, and unfolds when his altitude begins to drop-

 

 

 

 

 

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMM!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

“NOBODY HOME!” cries Cyclone Comet as the Canadian Intelligence Agent springs to life, and not a moment to soon! He rolls out of the way, giving Johnny the wide open Canvas to come crashing down chest and face first into!

 

“OH MY GOD!” shouts Bobby! “That was a dangerous move by Johnny - A Shooting Johnny Press, but the only thing pressed was Johnny Dangerous!”

 

Johnny’s body bounces off the mat after it hits, flipping his poor body in the air and he comes crashing down into the mat again, only this time on his back! CIA hesitates for a moment, surprised at the fall Johnny took, but then he snaps out of the mental fan seat and scrambles towards Johnny’s body.

 

ONE!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THRE - KICK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“CIA can’t believe it,” says Comet as the Canadian jumps to his knees, and presses both hands against the side of his head. “and quite frankly, neither can I!”

 

“What’s so hard to believe?” ask Bobby. “I mean, come on, do you expect Johnny to get pinned after only merely tripping off the turnbuckle? Besides, that dirty Canadian suckered him into that, he was playing opossum!”

 

“What the heck are you talking about - tripping!” snaps Comet. “That was one hard hit Johnny took, and it was by his own miscalculation!

 

CIA grabs himself a handful of Johnny’s hair to drag him to his feet. Johnny tries to slap the Canadian’s hand away, wincing at his hair follicles being tested to their limit, but the Barracuda is much to powerless at the moment to provide any decent defense. CIA sinks a quick elbow jab into Johnny’s skull just to keep him subdued, then under hooks both of the Barracuda’s arm’s, forcing him down between his legs. The crowd rises to their feet to watch the damnation of Johnny Dangerous as CIA rips him off his feet, and POWER! BOMBS! Johnny into the mat!

 

WHAM!!

 

CIA keeps hold of Johnny’s legs and leans forward into them, pinning the Barracuda back into the mat!

 

 

ONE!!

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!!

 

 

 

 

 

THR - KICKOUT!

 

To the tune of a loud cheer, Johnny rocket’s his arm up, freeing his shoulder from the mat!

 

“SWEET BABY JESUS!” cries Bobby. “When the hell did Johnny Dangerous get so tough to with stand such punishment? I mean, I’m not complaining, but I seem to recall this man being quite the push over in times past.”

 

“That’s why we call them times past, Citizen Robert.” says Comet. “However, this is NOT looking good for the Dangerous One. If he wants to be able and overcome the Canadian Intelligence Agent, he’s going to have to unleash his inner HULK~!”

 

Johnny rolls onto his stomach, and tries to push himself up, but CIA wraps his arm around Johnny’s head with a side headlock! CIA squeezes hard, forcing the Barracuda back down to his knees.

 

“What in the hell is he thinking there?” ask Bobby. “He’s not going to get Johnny to submit to that!”

 

“I’d call that a smart tactical maneuver by CIA.” Comet replies. “If you control the head, you control the body! If The Canadian Intelligence Agent can gain control over Johnny’s body he is going to have this match won!”

 

Johnny lets a small wisp of a cry escape from his lips. He can feel the pressure squeezing the life out of his skull, and pressing his eyes back into their socket. As he raises up his arm, to show that he’s got plenty of fight left in him the crowds begin to chant his name!

 

 

“JOHN-NY!”

 

“JOHN-NY!”

 

“JOHN-NY!”

 

“JOHN-NY!”

 

He gets one knee up, and begins to stand up. CIA relentless as ever, keeps the hold locked in tightly, and even squeezes down harder on Johnny’s skull. The Barracuda makes a quick jab into CIA - not sure of what he’s going to hit, but hoping it lands somewhere, anywhere into the Canadian! He lands the first blow into CIA’s chest, then a second! The grip starts to become looser, and Johnny is able to push himself up to both feet, sling another fist into CIA, and shove the Canadian off of him to a rousing round of cheers!

 

Johnny charges to the far side of the ring, hits the ropes, and launches off of them towards the Canadian with his arm cocked back and ready to fire! He swings for CIA’s head, but the Canadian ducks under the arm, pops up behind the Barracuda, and locks in a half nelson. Before the American Agent even has the chance to realize what kind of situation he’s managed to get himself into this time, CIA rips him off his feet, falls back...

 

WHAM!!!!

 

... and GRINDS Johnny’s neck into the mat with a tremendous thud!

 

“Ow!” Bobby winces as a roaring cheer comes down from the fans. “A Half Nelson into a German Suplex - the Dirty Canadian has at least a few tricks up his sleeve!”

 

“Johnny Dangerous folded up like an accordion there.” says Comet. “His head driven straight into the canvas - this could be all CIA needs to win this match!”

 

CIA rolls onto his stomach and pushes himself off the mat. He shakes his head to try and dust off the cobwebs, and hears the crowds coming to his corner.

 

“C-I-A!”

 

“C-I-A!”

 

“C-I-A!”

 

“C-I-A!”

 

Though most of his face is hidden behind his faithful mask, you can see a smile dashing across his lips. “No time to waste” he thinks. He makes haste to capitalize on the moment, scrambling across the mat towards Dangerous. Hooking onto Johnny’s leg he rears back with a strong cover. As expected, Hardcastle drops down for the count with the fans loudly counting along...

 

“THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT!” shouts Cyclone Comet. “We are about to have us a brand NEW United States Champion!”

 

 

ONE!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE - NO!!!!!!!!! Johnny thrusts his shoulder up with a nanosecond to spare, and the crowds cheer massively!

 

“Ha!” snorts Bobby. “So much for your Super Hero foresight, Comet.”

 

“I was merely trying to build a moment of suspense, Citizen Robert.” says Comet quite defensively. “I could already tell you who wins this match, but I am bound by morals to contain my abilities.”

 

“More like, bound by a contract.”

 

CIA shakes his head as he lets out a low sigh. He was almost for sure Johnny Dangerous was done for. None the less, the Canadian stands to his feet, pushing forward with the match. He heads towards the ropes, stepping through them to the outside ring apron, and heads for the turnbuckle much to the delight of the fans.

 

“Oh no,” says Bobby, “this is a dangerous position CIA is about to place himself into with that leg of his. Surely he has more sense to go for the Air Canada after what happened last time he pulled this move out!”

 

“It was the same fate that Johnny Dangerous was met with earlier tonight.” says Comet. “But when the balance of the universe is placed into your hands, you must stop at nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to win! Even if it means risking your powers or even your own life!”

 

“What in the hell are you talking about, Comet?” says Bobby, the look of confusion clearly written on his face. “This is for the United States Title - nobody’s going to save the world with an Air Canada! Air America.... Now that’s a different story.”

 

CIA gets to the top of his perch, and begins to stand to his feet with the crowds growing, and growing in anticipation! Suddenly, Johnny Dangerous SPRINGS back to life! He pops back up to his feet, charges towards the turnbuckle, hops to the second rope, locks his arms around the Canadian’s waistline, TEARS him from the turnbuckle, and DRIVES him into the canvas with a Belly-To-Belly Suplex!

 

WHAM!!!

 

“WHOA!”

 

The ring shakes ferociously as CIA hits, bounces up, and comes crashing back down to the mat in a heap! The crowds let out a huge cheer for the Barracuda, but the Barracuda lies on the mat just as still as his Canadian counterpart.

 

“Johnny may have out a stop to the Air Canada,” says Comet, “but it took everything he had!”

 

Sexton steps in to deliver the ten count, but just as he does the seemingly lifeless Johnny Dangerous rolls over onto his stomach, and crawls over towards CIA, heaving his arm over the Canadian’s chest.

 

“... And we have a cover!”

 

 

ONE!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TH - KICK OUT!

 

“And not a second too soon.” says Comet. “These two Secret Agents are taking it all to each other, and neither one wants to succumb to the other!”

 

Johnny pushes himself up as CIA rolls over to his stomach, but the Barracuda keeps the pressure on! He straddles over the Canadian, and reaches behind him to grab CIA’s foot, the cranks it back over his shoulder into a Half Crab!

 

“The Barracuda!” shouts Comet! “Johnny Dangerous has yet to score a pin fall off the Canadian Intelligence Agent so it looks like he’s going to try for a submission! This could be curtains for CIA!”

 

Pain surges through CIA’s leg at an astounding rate! He pushes himself off the mat with both arms, howling in utter despair! “Do you give?” Sexton ask the Canadian, but he shakes his head no while crying out in pain!

 

“Normally you could fight this submission for a while before giving in to it,” says Comet, “but that is the same leg that Va’aiga absolutely brutalized on Lockdown! I‘d be much surprised if he can hold on much longer!”

 

“More like take advantage off of Va’aiga’s hard work from Lockdown.” counters Riley. “If CIA gives in Johnny needs to be sure and send a letter of thanks to the Maori promptly!”

 

CIA bites down hard on his lip to suppress the pain as he tries to make a valiant effort towards the nearby ropes. He reaches out and digs his fingernails deep into the canvas matting, and DRAGS himself forward with all of Johnny’s weight directly on top of him!

 

“By Odin’s Beard!” shouts Comet. “The relentless drive inside this young superstar is simply inspiring! I don‘t know how he could possibly keep fighting - the pain has got to be absolutely horrendous!”

 

“That is nothing short of stupidity!” Bobby proclaims. “It would take a damn Canadian to not realize when it’s time to throw in the towel so he can come back fighting another day! This is exactly the same reason Va’aiga scattered his brains across the entire arena on Lockdown!”

 

“Oh get over yourself, Bobby!” retorts Comet. “That was a heinous act on Va’aiga’s part that served no purpose but to further his own personal inferiority issues! Plus, it has nothing to do with not knowing when to quit, this is about refusing to lie down and loose the fight!”

 

The ropes are so close CIA could almost taste them, yet still, they seem so far away. He begins to reach out. He can feel the fibers of the ropes grazing across his fingertips!

 

“ARGGGGHHHH!!!!” the Canadian cries out as Johnny tightens his grip around CIA’s ankle and cranks back even harder, trying his hardest to get a submission from thick-headed CIA! The Canadian Intelligence Agent is overcome by the pain in his leg. He closes his eyes as he brings out his arm to yield to the American...

 

 

 

 

“NO!” he mentally screams at himself! His head jerks back up, and he thrusts his arm out just as hard and as fast as he possibly can-

 

“-HE’S GOT IT!” cries Comet just as CIA grabs tightly to the ropes, and the fans rejoice with a tremendous cheer! “By Odin, I didn’t think he had the strength in his battered body, but he has just proven me dead wrong!”

 

“If only... ”

 

Johnny damns himself for letting CIA make it so close to the ropes, and not trying to pull him back towards the middle of the ring. A fatal mistake, but a mistake that won’t be repeated.

 

CIA’s head slumps into the mat as a sigh of relief comes over him from the exit of the nagging pain. Johnny grabs back onto CIA’s leg and drags him to the middle of the ring. The Canadians head jerks back up, startled from the sudden grasping of his leg. he tries to quickly reach out for the ropes, but they escape his fingers before he can get a good grip on them.

 

“Johnny’s going for the Barracuda again!” says Comet. “This isn’t going to be good for CIA at all!”

 

“Nor should it be.” says Bobby. “Johnny has got to put Mr. Canada back in his box, and mail it back to where ever in the hell it came from! He can’t give CIA a moment to breathe or he could risk the future of our great country!”

 

Johnny tries to straddle back over CIA, but CIA isn’t about to just hand over his leg without a fight! He quickly rolls over onto his back before the Barracuda has a good handle on him, and kicks his good foot into Johnny’s gut, catching the American by complete surprise! CIA lets out a mighty growl as he sends his foot into Johnny’s gut for the second time, and knocks the Barracuda right off his feet!

 

“CIA is refusing to let Johnny lock in that Barracuda for a second time!” says Comet. “Even he knows he couldn’t take another dose of that!”

 

Johnny’s down, but it will only be for a few seconds, and CIA knows this all to well. He climbs back up to his feet, however shakily. The half crab by Johnny seemed to really agitate his already bruised leg, and it showed in his step. Johnny creeps towards the ropes while holding to his midsection and grimacing accordingly. Using the ropes, he pulls himself back up to his feet, spins around-

 

 

“Look out!”

 

 

- AND EATS AN ELBOW FROM CIA!

 

WHACK!!

 

The sudden strike jolts Johnny’s head back and causes him to stumble back into the ropes. Unintentionally, he bounces off the ropes back towards the Canadian Intelligence Agent, and gets another sharp elbow to his temple!

 

WHACK!!

 

Again Johnny is knocked back, but this time CIA gives chase! He hobbles after the Barracuda, landing several more elbow strikes into his head, followed by a knee to his kidney! With each hit the crowds become louder and louder - standing to their feet and waving their signs around!

 

“CIA is fighting for his life in there!” says Cyclone Comet. “Though broken down, bruised, and battered, the Canadian Intelligence Agent is determined to finish this match victorious!”

 

With a firm grip on Johnny, CIA SLINGS him across the ring! Johnny hits the ropes, and comes rocketing back towards CIA, and in a last ditch effort Johnny weakly swings out for the Canadian’s mug, but CIA easily dodges and grabs onto Johnny from behind!

 

“GERMAN!” calls Comet as CIA begins to haul Johnny off his feet, but the quick thinking American wraps his foot around CIA’s leg, keeping this flight grounded! Johnny recklessly swings his elbow behind him, and connects with CIA’s forehead which stuns him however briefly! A second elbow loosens the Canadian’s grip from the Barracuda’s waistline as CIA goes stammering backwards, holding his head! Johnny gives chase! Grabbing onto CIA’s wrist, he jerks the Canadian’s hand away from his face, and SLAMS his knuckles straight into CIA’s jaw with enough force to knock a basketball goal down!

 

 

WHAM!!

 

 

“CIA is sent spinning on one foot into the ropes!” says Bobby. “You wouldn’t believe how much power Johnny Dangerous packs into those punches!”

 

Johnny rears back for a second punch and swings forward, but the Fighting Canadian throws up his forearm for a block, then swings his elbow out-

 

-Johnny side steps CIA, and the only thing to get hit is the atomic molecules that make up the air. Acting on reflexes, and being able to pull out all the stops in tight situations, Johnny hooks one arm around CIA’s leg and catches onto his arm with the other! CIA tries to squirm free, but it’s much too late. Johnny tears him off his feet, hauls him up, over, and DRILLS the Canadian Intelligence Agent into the canvas!!

 

 

WHAAAAAMMM!!!!

 

 

“MIIIIIIIIIIII SLAM!” roars Comet as the fans let out a colossal cheer for Johnny Dangerous!

 

“THERE IT IS! THERE IT IS!” cries Bobby. “The United States Title is staying with the home team tonight!”

 

Johnny keeps hold of CIA’s leg, and cranks back on it, firmly planting the Canadian Intelligence Agent’s shoulders to the mat! Sexton drops to make the count with the fans counting out loud!

 

 

 

 

ONEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

DING! DING! DING!

 

“HE’S DONE IT!” shouts Comet as the crowds simply go ballistic and the theme to “MI2” THUNDERS across the arena!

 

“YOUR WINNER!” bellows Funyon, “and STILLLL UNITED STATES HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIOOOON! JOHNNNNNNY DANGEROUUUSSS!!”

 

Sexton grabs onto Johnny by the arm and helps him back to his feet to raise his arm in victory, and places the United States Championship Belt into his other hand.

 

“What a match, what a match!” cheers Cyclone Comet. “These two put their ALL into this fight! It doesn’t really who won here tonight in the ring, because judging by this crowd, we ALL won!”

 

“Pfft!” says Bobby. “Speak for yourself, Comet. I’m just glad this one is over and we can move onto more important subjects, like: Justice and Rule beating the living hell out of this makeshift team-Drug & Dealer!”

 

“For the record,” says Comet, “Wildchild was exonerated of any illegal activity by Johnny Dangerous. But, yes, the team of Wildchild and Xstacy is going to go toe to toe with our Tag Team Champions-Justice and Rule in tonight‘s Main Event... NEXT!”

[Guest Suicide King]

Deep in the center of the ring stands the gaudy announcer known only as Funyon. And with the crowd once more buzzing in excitement, the microphone man speaks, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this next non-title contest is scheduled for one fall and is the main event for this edition of Smarkdown! Introducing first…”

 

"I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA, PEOPLE!"

 

With the rap beat pumping through the airwaves of Texas, a man dressed as though he just escaped from the Man with No Eyes wanders through the curtain. With his hands bound in front of him, the Hardcore Gamers Champion makes his way down the aisle. And although he is physically bound, this is the freest Wildchild has been in two months. No longer under the doctrines of any man, The Caribbean Cruiser has a bit more hop in his step as he makes his way into the ring. Then lifting his cuffs into the air, Wildchild rips his hands asunder and rips free of his self-inflicted imprisonment much to the joy of the Texas crowd. Pulling off his prison-style jumpsuit and revealing the rather different wrestling wear underneath; Wildchild stands tall in the ring as Funyon calls out his name.

 

“Weighing in tonight at 214 pounds and hailing from Morgan’s Bluff in the Bahamas, this is the SWF Hardcore Gamers Champion. This is the Bahamas Bomber! This is the Human Hurricane! THIS IS WILLLLLLLLLLLDCHILLLLLLLLLLLLLLD!”

 

“Hey,” blurts out Bobbie Riley as he glares at Wildchild for a moment, “what the hell is Wildchild wearing? He’s wearing a chest protector!”

 

“That’s right,” answers The Cyclone Comet. “Due to recent injured, Commissioner Mark Stevens has given Wildchild full and total clearance to wear that appliance until he can recover. But don’t you fans think it is going to be an unfair advantage for Wildchild. Word is as soon as he is healed up, that thing is coming off.”

 

Riley says, “Well that’s just great! This is totally unfair to Justice and Rule… They should have been told about this so they could plan out a strategy!”

 

“And his partner!” yells out Funyon as he continues.

 

“No time for that now!” replies The Cyclone Comet as the lights drop down to nothing in the sold out arena.

 

“… ANNNNND I WANT YOU!”

 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM

 

With a huge explosion blasting into the air and shower of white sparks dropping into the entranceway, the crowd knows just who is about to make his presence known here in just a few moments. So when a certain figure appears silhouetted in the white sparks, the crowd knows they are about feel just about perfect with the sense of ecstasy.

 

“YOU ARE THE PERFECT DRUG… THE PERFECT DRUG… THE PERFECT DRUG!”

 

The crowd simultaneously orgasms as the new ICTV Champion pops free of the darkness and into the light of the crowd’s joy. Almost gliding into the ring, Xstasy jumps to the apron and lifts the sign of the X to the arena who as one return the salute of the popular Washington, DC native. Leaping into the ring, Xstasy tosses a smile that way of his stone-faced partner only to shrug off the impassive nature of his partner and pop into a corner. Leaning back against the buckle, the charismatic X listens intently to Funyon as he is properly announced to the crowd.

 

“He weighs in at 211 pounds and hails from our Nation’s capital in Washington, DC. He is the NEWWW Intercontinental Television Champion! He is the perfect drug… He is perfect XXXXXXXXXXSTASY!

 

The Cyclone Comet provides some more Cometary, “And what an ovation for this team. I have to say this might just be the most high-flying team in the history of this sport!”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” mutters Bobbie Riley. “But that doesn’t make them the best tag team in history. We all know what team that is! And they’re…”

 

JUSTICE!

 

RULE!

 

POPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOP!

 

“That’s them!”

 

Virtually charging out from behind the curtain to the sounds of REM jogs the most dominant tag team in the history of the SWF. Wearing their custom football jerseys as always, Justice and Rule appear ready and willing to do whatever it takes to continue their tandem dominance against two of the hottest men in the federation. Climbing into the ring side by side, Judge William Hearford and Ejiro Fasaki stare into the eyes of two fellow champions as Funyon’s words ring through all of Texas yet again.

 

“And their opponents. They weight in tonight at a total combined weight of 445 pounds. They are the current and two-time SWF World Tag Team Champions… They are The Right Honorable Judge William Hearford and Ejiro Fasaki… THEY ARE… JUSTICE AND RULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!”

 

Pointing at Wildchild almost immediately, Hearford and Fasaki question the referee Matthew Kivell regarding the chest protector that the Human Hurricane is now wearing. Immediately though, the referee verifies that the padding is indeed legal according to the ruling of Mark Stevens. Shaking their heads in dismay, Hearford and Fasaki surrender their title belts to Kivell to add to the pile that he has already started with the Hardcore and ICTV straps. Handing the pile of belts that are not on the line this evening to a ringside attendant, Kivell circles back into the center of the ring as the bell is rung and the match is officially underway.

 

DING!

 

Hopping out to the apron, Wildchild leaves Xstasy the opening pleasure of facing tag team champions as Hearford heads out to the apron after breaking a huddle with Fasaki. But as Ejiro realizes just who he is in the ring with, he immediately seems to be rather displeased with the arrangement. Waving X away, Fasaki instead points at his freed protégé and demands that he be able to start off against the Human Hurricane. Smiling broadly, Xstasy just sort of shrugs as if to let the world know he doesn’t really have a problem with that arrangement and he casually makes the tag to Wildchild. But even as Wildchild slingshots his way into the ring, Fasaki is already on his bicycle!

 

TAG!

 

Slapping the hand of his partner, Ejiro immediately dives out of the ring rather than face the man only a moment before he had requested to get into the ring. And as Wildchild stares down at his perpetual tormentor, Fasaki shares the good vibrations by sending a military salute out to all of Texas.

 

“FU FASAKI! FU FASAKI! FU FASAKI!”

 

But regardless of any chants or curses, Hearford is now the legal man in the ring for Justice and Rule. And when he meets Wildchild in a collar-and-elbow tie up it The Judge’s superior power that easily pushes Wildchild into a neutral corner. Immediately using the close quarters to his advantage, Hearford places one of The Bahamas Bomber’s arms over the top rope before sending a chop headed right at his chest.

 

CHOP!

 

But Wildchild immediately fires back!

 

WHAM!

 

Hearford is knocked back a step and a half with a hand on his face, but he drives ahead and presses Wildchild back into the corner. Once more a chop rings through the crowd!

 

CHOP!

 

WHAM!

 

And again Wildchild sends Hearford stumbling back with a hard right hand to the face. But with his dander already up, The Judge slams forward yet again!

 

CHOP!

 

His hand slices across Wildchild yet again!

 

CHOP!

 

CHOP!

 

WHAM!

 

WHAM!

 

WHAM!

 

But once again Wildchild punches away and finally knocks Hearford right down to the mat with a series of right hands to the face! Rising up immediately, Hearford is soon sent right back down to the canvas as Wildchild sends a dropkick right into the side of his face! Rising up once again, Hearford is soon taken right to the canvas with an arm drag as Wildchild cinches in an armbar.

 

“Damn that Stevens,” moans Bobbie. “With that chest protector on, Wildchild didn’t even seem to feel those chops! That cannot be fair and you know it! Admit it Comet, your heroes are just as bad as mine!”

 

“He needs that for protection and you know it,” returns Comet. “Just like a quarterback in football, this guy has put on a flack jacket. He’s not using it as a weapon so you have nothing to complain about.”

 

Winding up the arm yet again Wildchild twists the wrist and slams down on the shoulder with a chop as Hearford drops down to one knee in pain. But he is not down for long before Wildchild jerks him back up to his vertical base and uses the arm to drag Hearford over to his corner and make a tag to Xstasy. Netting a cheer from the crowd just by entering the ring, X ups the love as he jams a kick right underneath The Judge’s arm before taking the wrist from Wildchild and once again using the armbar to control his foe. But as Xstasy once again winds up the wrist, The Judge finds the opening to jam a closed fist into his chest and stop the attack. Immediately spinning into his corner and bringing in the fresh man, Hearford makes the exchange with Ejiro. But even as Ejiro rushes his opponent, he finds himself getting tossed to the mat with a high hip toss. With his foe rising quickly, Xstasy easily once again applies an arm bar as the Tag Team Champion struggles under the pressure.

 

“Simple strategy by Wildchild and X thus far,” calls The Cyclone Comet. “They are going after a body part and keeping with it. And if they can turn the tables on Justice and Rule with their own typical plan of attack, they are well on their way to victory.”

 

But before that can happen, Xstasy needs to be able to control Fasaki for more than a few moments at a time and he cannot do that on this occasion as Ejiro manages to hook a hand in the tights of the ICTV Champion. Then using them as a point of control, Fasaki sends X across the ring and hard into a neutral corner. But as Fasaki charges in, X neatly steps aside and allows the former United States Champion crushes his own shoulder into the turnbuckle! Turning right back into the center of the ring, Ejiro finds himself down on the canvas once again as X uses a drop toehold to take him down. Immediately floating over, X takes control of Ejiro’s arm once again and pulls Rule over into hostile territory where X can bring Wildchild back into the ring. Winding up the arm again, X cinches in before hopping in the air and jamming his knee into Ejiro’s chest with a Triple H chest buster! Propelled by the force of the move, Ejiro is stood strait up and into perfect position for Wildchild to fly off the top rope and knock Ejiro over with a flying body press!

 

ONNNNNNNNNNNNE!

 

“Nice double team!”

 

TWOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

Kicking out right after Kivell’s hand hit the mat for the second time, Fasaki staves off the loss on this occasion. But that it not about to keep Wildchild from keeping the pressure on his foe as he quickly collects Fasaki’s arm yet again and pulls it into an armbar. Shaking his head loose in order to get over the body press, Ejiro stays in the armbar as Wildchild uses it to pull Fasaki onto his knees. Immediately straddling his mentor, The Bahamas Bomber presses against his foe’s elbow in the ropes that it might get pushed out of socket.

 

“You know what’s great about this?” notes The Comet. “That Fasaki probably taught Wildchild how to do this sort of thing and now Wildchild is using it against him. Oh, irony is so sweet this late at night.”

 

“And your idiocy only gets more…dumb. God it is late.”

 

But having taught Wildchild a great deal about mat wrestling, Fasaki knows a whole heck of a lot of it himself. And as such, Fasaki is able to reach back behind him and uses his hand to break out of the straddle. Then placing his hand underneath Wildchild’s jaw, Fasaki is able to work his way up to his vertical base. Finally completing his range of counters, Ejiro is able to push Wildchild back and into the ropes where the referee will be forced to order a break. But the moment Wildchild’s pressure is no longer on the arm, Ejiro manages to secure enough of a grip to send Wildchild across the ring. But tossing his healthy elbow at the Hardcore Champion proves to be no more effective as Wildchild ducks underneath the shot. But as he hits the other side of the ropes, Wildchild soon finds his world turned upside down as he crashes onto the floor!

 

The Cyclone Comet explains, “Hearford pulled down the ropes! Talk about your back stabbing pieces of crap and The Judge is right up there on the list!”

 

“Are you kidding me?” replies Bobbie. “William is what he is. He has never tried to kiss up to anyone. He makes no apologies. He will walk right up to you and stab you right into the face. Now Fasaki… he’s a back stabber.”

 

Immediately moving into the ring in protest of the illegal attack on his partner, Xstasy is immediately intercepted by the official as The Judge goes to work. Immediately collecting the stunned Wildchild off the floor, William takes a few steps with Wildchild in tow and SLAMS his face into the side of a ring post! Shattering to the floor once again, The Bahamas Bomber looks up cross-eyed for just a moment before his eyes shut and open no more. But ‘thankfully’ for Wildchild, William plucks him off the arena floor and sends The Human Hurricane into the squared circle. Hopping right up to the apron after his prey, William receives a tag from his partner in order to do some very real and very legal damage.

 

“FU JUDGE! FU JUDGE! FU JUDGE!”

 

“Hey a new chant!”

 

But chants don’t mean a whole lot to Hearford as he stalks Wildchild as The Caribbean Cruiserweight stumbles up to his feet with his hand on his head. But his does not remain on his feet for long before Hearford sandwiches Wildchild into a corner with a rushing clothesline that drives all the air out of the Hardcore Champion and drops him down to the canvas. But the clothesline was only a means to an end for The Judge who immediately begins the first step in his plan for Wildchild. Immediately snatching a hold of Wildchild’s chest protector, William pulls the device right off his opponent’s back!

 

“Oh come on!” complains The Comet. “Wildchild had that on for protection!”

 

“Oh come on,” mocks Bobbie Riley. “OK, Comet, let us say that Wildchild was using it for protection. It is just like wrapping up an injured knee. He’s the one that painted the target on his chest, not Justice and Rule, and he should have known that before asking for protection.”

 

But regardless of the intent of the chest protector, it is no longer in doubt that it is a weapon as The Judge uses the straps to strangle the Human Hurricane! Actually dragging Wildchild a few feet across the ring, Hearford completely ignores the orders of the referee as he continues to throttle his opponent. Finally breaking off his attack, The Judge tosses the apparatus over into his corner as Xstasy complains to the official to no avail. But Wildchild has much more immediate problems to work out as Hearford pulls Wildchild closer to him before using his power to lift Wildchild high into the air with a military press. Holding The Bahamas Bomber up on high, Hearford takes a few steps while displaying his quarry before dropping him strait down onto his knee with a gut buster!

 

“Well,” starts Bobbie, “I will now admit that Wildchild does indeed have a problem with his chest.”

 

“Oh, I am sure that Wildchild will take great comfort in that.”

 

But he is taking no comfort at the moment while grabbing onto his chest; Wildchild struggles to catch his breath. His bruised sternum totally exposed from underneath its protective shell, Wildchild can provide no defense as Hearford tosses him into Justice and Rule’s corner. Placing his hand against Wildchild’s windpipe, William chokes his foe as the referee warns him that a disqualification could be only moments away. Breaking at the count of four, Hearford gets into Kivell’s face all the while lecturing him on the technicalities of the rules. But that is all just dressing as Fasaki uses the distraction to once again use the chest protector to his advantage by jamming it right into Wildchild’s face!

 

“He’s trying to smother Wildchild! You have to be freaking kidding me! I haven’t seen such blatant disregard for the rules since Hawk Man became an alien instead of a resurrected Egyptian prince!”

 

“…What the hell are you talking about, Comet?”

 

Tossing the protector aside before the referee even looks his way, Fasaki shows no signs that he ever did anything as The Judge wanders over to make the exchange. But before leaving the ring, Justice and Rule have five whole seconds to enact more pain as they toss Wildchild into the ropes together. Catching Wildchild on the rebound, Justice and Rule toss him high into the air before dropping him down to the canvas with a double flapjack! Crashing into the canvas with his chest, Wildchild once again scrambles across the canvas with pain etched across his face as Xstasy seriously considers jumping into the ring in order to save his partner. But with just a foot in the ring, X remembers that any jump into the ring will only allow the masters of tag team wrestling to double up once again. That doesn’t seem to be an issue, though, as Hearford heads out of the ring to leave Fasaki to make a cover.

 

ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE!

 

“COME ON! KICK OUT!”

 

TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

“GET OUT!”

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

Kicking out with all he has, Wildchild manages to get out from underneath the pile and keep the match going for his team. But with Ejiro on his tail, you have to wonder just how much more Wildchild can take. The Human Hurricane struggles to try and get up, but Ejiro stops that, giving him a punt right into his stomach! He puts a foot into his back and wipes his feet on his former “student”, getting a massive helping of heat from the Texas crowd.

 

“Gah! A true villain indeed!” says Comet with disgust, “Wildchild is certainly not a welcome mat!”

 

“No, I’d say he’s more of a ‘Not Welcome’ mat,” responds Riley, “The guy never even thanked Ejiro for all that training he gave him! I suppose being a teacher really is a thankless job.”

 

“Teacher? He kept Wildchild against his will and tried to turn him into something he’s not! More like a brainwasher!”

 

“Brainwasher, high school teacher, it’s all the same…”

 

After giving Wildchild remedial lesson in humility, Ejiro pulls him right back up to his feet. But instead of getting his hands on him, Wildchild is able to make a move forwards, ducking down and grabbing Ejiro around the thighs and knees with his arms, trying to push him over! Ejiro is taken aback from the sudden burst of energy, and soon he finds himself on his back as Wildchild puts him down to the ground with a two legged takedown, holding on to the legs and bridging out for a flash Jackknife pin!

 

ONE!

 

“The former student is going to beat the ‘master’ with one of his own techniques!” cries Comet.

 

TWO!

 

 

THREENO! Ejiro kicks out at the last second, and he looks ticked!

 

“Whew, that was close,” says Bobbie with a bit of relief in his voice, “He almost used his stolen techniques to pin Ejiro! How dare he!”

 

Fasaki climbs back up to his feet, fuming as Wildchild still catches his breath lying on the ground. He pulls him back up to his feet and right into a vicious knee into the chest, putting him back down to his knees. Cinching a facelock, Ejiro continues the assault on Dub Cee’s ribs, hammering away with more angry knees, taking a moment or two between each one to run his mouth off to the former ‘apprentice’ before leaving him in the middle on the ring. He takes a moment to survey his handiwork before stepping over to his partner and tagging out to a smirking William. Hearford leisurely steps through the ropes into the ring as Wildchild tries to get back up to his feet… but the pain in his chest slows him enough for Justice to get right on top of him. The old man pounds away at the rising Human Hurricane with a few hard knife-edged chops on his sensitive chest.

 

CHOP!

 

CHOP!

 

CHOP!

 

CHOP!

 

CHOP!

 

The crowd and Xstasy watch in frustration as Wildchild is forced backwards, holding his chest in pain as Hearford quickly whips him at the ropes. The Bahaman comes back running as the Judge leans forwards for a back body drop… but Wildchild leaps over the old man, catching his legs under his arms! The Judge tries to keep leaning forwards, but Wildchild whips himself forwards, putting Justice’s shoulders and neck crashing into the mat in a pinning predicament!

 

“Code Red! Code Red!” shouts Comet over a sudden rise from the crowd.

 

ONE!

 

“Kick out, Judge, kick out!”

 

TWO!

 

 

THREENO! The Judge barely kicks out of the surprise high-impact move, and the crowd gives a disappointed sigh as Hearford begins to slowly push up holding his head.

 

“What the heck!? Wildchild has never used that before!”

 

“Maybe he’s switching things up. I mean, one would expect him to after facing this pair so many times.”

 

Slowly reaching his feet, the Judge gives his head a hard shake before noticing the fans beginning to yell again. He looks over at his partner, Ejiro, who is pointing desperately at Wildchild, who is crawling closer and closer to Xstasy! Justice quickly spins around and dashes forwards as the Perfect Drug reaches out…

 

 

 

 

… The Judge gets a hand on Wildchild and begins pulling him back…

 

 

*SLAP*

 

 

Too late! The Texas crowd goes bonzo gonzo as the Perfect Drug leaps right over the ropes and fires off a hard punch to the face of the Judge, knocking him back. But before he can get off another, Kivell intervenes!

 

“What’s this?” says a confused Cyclone Comet, “Xstasy made the tag!”

 

“No he didn’t! No he didn’t!” says a gleeful Bobbie as Kivell pushes back Xstasy, motioning to the Perfect Drug that he wasn’t holding the tag ropes when he made the tag, “Yes! Thank King for tag ropes!”

 

The crowd is furious, crying out in protest as the Perfect Drug is pushed back to the apron while Hearford recovers, immediately going Wildchild and pulling him back towards the Sarasota Cobra for the switch off. The two lift him up to his feet, put their arms across his chest, and kick out his legs with a massive double STO! The wind is blown right out of Wildchild’s lungs on impact, and Ejiro yells over to Kivell as he makes a cover on WC.

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

THREEEEENO! A huge cheer as Wildchild manages to stay alive, if only barely!

 

“Despite everything they’ve thrown at him and his chest, Wildchild just will not go down to Justice and Rule!”

 

“He’ll fold up soon enough. Just like the handicap match, he’ll buckle under the pressure of the Tag Champs.”

 

Hearford steps back out as Ejiro pulls Wildchild back up to his feet and nails him across the face with a hard elbow! He keeps on him, unleashing a huge flurry of strikes onto his former captive’s visage!

 

CRACK!

 

CRACK!

 

CRACK!

 

CRACK!

 

CRACK!

 

And he winds up for the big one…

 

 

 

… But misses! Wildchild barely ducks under it, and Ejiro turns around, right into a kick in the gut. He reflexively doubles over as WC wraps his legs around Fasaki’s throat…

 

 

*WHAM!*

 

“Caribbean Cutter out of NOWHERE!” says Comet as Wildchild lays backwards while Fasaki clutches his face in pain! The crowd begins to rally, calling out to Wildchild and telling him to move while he has his opening!

 

“LET’S GO DUB-CEE LET’S GO! *CLAPCLAPCLAP* LET’S GO DUB-CEE LET’S GO! *CLAPCLAPCLAP*”

 

The Human Hurricane crawls closer, driven by his hatred of Fasaki and Hearford towards Xstasy’s outstretched hand. Meanwhile, Ejiro begins to move towards Wildchild, looking to stop him himself…

 

 

 

… Wildchild gets closer…

 

 

… Ejiro manages to grab a foot…

 

 

 

 

*SLAP*

 

The crowd holds their breath for a moment, but as soon as Kivell gives the signal for a legal tag they absolutely EXPLODE!

 

“XSTASY! XSTASY! XSTASY!”

 

The chant is huge as he comes in nails Ejiro in the face with a sharp jab! The Sarasota stumbles backwards as he’s pummeled with lightning fast punches! Fasaki falls backwards as Hearford enters the ring, pushing past Kivell and looking for a shot at Xstasy. He fires off a punch, but Xstasy blocks and grabs him by the collar of his jersey. Giving him a hard yank down, he rolls across right across the Judge’s back in an amazing Capoeira counter! Hearford begins to turn around as X crouches down…

 

 

*CRACK*

 

 

”WHIPBACK KICK! WHIPBACK KICK!” calls Comet as Riley just groans in agony.

 

The Judge hits the mat hard, holding his head while Kivell begins pushing him out of the ring. Meanwhile, X turns his attention back towards Ejiro, who is now kneeling on the mat with his back towards him. He goes over and grabs him, spinning him around…

 

 

*CA-RACK!*

 

And eats a mouthful of chain! The crowd boos as Ejiro quickly slides the evidence away as he calls over the referee for a count.

 

ONE!

 

”No! Kick out, X, kick out!”

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE!

 

*DING DING DING*

 

“The winners of the match…. JUSTICE! AND! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE!”

 

Funyon’s voice can barely be heard over the booing from the Texas crowd as Rule lifts himself off of Xstasy and goes over to his reeling partner. The ICTV champion rolls out of the ring clutching his face as the Tag Champs immediately turn their sights to the still weary Wildchild, resting on the ropes. The two immediately move after the tired man, pulling him back into the ring and giving him a hard stomping! The crowd puts out more heat on the two men as Ejiro leans up against the Judge’s shoulder...

[Guest Suicide King]

“EJIRO!”

 

Judge slaps Ejiro’s chest with both hands, pushing him away.

 

“What are these two rogues up to now,” wonders Comet aloud.

 

“GET THE TABLE!”

 

With that, Judge tosses the referee out of the ring, as Ejiro gets busy unhooking Wildchild’s chest protector and ripping it off. Fasaki then slides underneath the bottom rope to the outside of the ring and reaches underneath the ring apron to retrieve a folded wooden table.

 

“My God,” cries Cyclone Comet, “Justice and Rule are relentless in their assault on Wildchild! Someone has to put a stop to this!”

 

As Rule slides the table into the ring and proceeds to set it up, Justice drags the Bahama Bomber over to a corner and lifts him into a seated position on the top ropes, facing the crowd.

 

“Oh no,” shrieks Comet, “they’re setting him up for the Rule of Law! Those fiends are going to put Wildchild through a table with the Rule of Law!”

 

“School is definitely out for Wildchild,” Riley says happily, “But Justice and Rule are going to put him on permanent detention!”

 

“For the love of PepsiMax,” pleads Comet, “somebody put a stop to these sinister scoundrels!”

 

Judge climbs up to the top rope behind Wildchild and locks his legs underneath the turnbuckle as Ejiro places the table into position and walks over to the opposing corner. Hearford wraps his arms around Wildchild’s waist as Fasaki climbs to the top rope.

 

“I can’t look,” moans Comet, as he covers his face.

 

 

But before the tag team champions can deliver the Rule of Law, the crowd erupts as they see a blur streak down to the ring.

 

“Merciful Minerva,” shouts Comet. “Is that who I think it is?”

 

“It can’t be,” says Riley. “No way!”

 

 

BUT IT IS!

 

 

Johnny Dangerous dashes down to the ring and leaps onto the ring apron. The crowd explodes as he races across the ring apron and pushes Ejiro off the top turnbuckle down to the floor!

 

“It’s Johnny Dangerous,” exclaims Comet. “Johnny Dangerous has come to make the save!”

 

In an instant, the Barracuda has managed cross the ring, from where he just removed Rule from his perch, to where Justice still sits in stunned surprise.

 

 

BAM!

 

Before he has time to react, Johnny grabs him by the back of the head and slams it down into the bottom turnbuckle pad. Judge, whose legs are still wrapped around the turnbuckle, dangles upside down, holding his head in pain, as Johnny commences to stomp away at his undefended midsection as Wildchild tries to come back to his senses on the top of the turnbuckle!

 

WHAM!

WHAM!

WHAM!

WHAM!

WHAM!

 

“Johnny’s putting the boots to Judge Hearford,” shouts Comet. “Johnny’s been waiting since Genesis to get his hands on the Judge!”

 

“And leave it to a disgraced Secret Agent to kick a man while he’s upside down and defenseless,” growls Riley. “What a coward he is!”

 

Ejiro slinks back into the ring and gets to his feet, racing across the ring to sneak attack Johnny from behind and help out his partner…

 

 

WHAM!

 

 

… But the Bahama Bomber explodes off the top turnbuckle without warning, blasting the unsuspecting Ejiro in the face with a missile dropkick!

 

“What a dropkick by the Wildchild,” cries Comet. “Ejiro never saw that coming!

 

Across the ring, Johnny untangles Hearford’s legs and wraps his arms around the Judge’s waist, pulling him out of the corner, and onto his shoulder. As he walks over towards the ropes, Wildchild races back towards the ropes behind him, bouncing off and picking up speed as the Barracuda drops the Judge’s throat across the top rope!

 

SNAP!

 

As Justice staggers away from the ropes, Wildchild leaps into the air behind him…

 

 

WHAM!

 

 

… And blasts him in the back with a running dropkick, knocking him over the top rope and down to the arena floor!

 

“Wildchild and Johnny Dangerous are working together to take out Justice and Rule,” shouts Comet.

 

Johnny runs over to Ejiro and picks him up off the mat, grabbing him by the wrist and whipping him across the ring. As Fasaki bounces off the ropes, Wildchild and Johnny leap into the air in unison, blasting him with a double dropkick that sends him out over the top rope and down to the floor behind his partner!

 

“My goodness,” cries Comet. “Wildchild and Johnny Dangerous worked together to take out Justice and Rule! What could this mean?”

 

Johnny and Wildchild drop down into a ready fighting stance, staring outside the ring at their long-time nemeses, as they stare back.

 

As we:

FADE OUT

 

===

SWF Lockdown, October 22, 2003

© White Apple Productions. All rights reserved.

The Smarks Wrestling Federation: “Raising Workrate by Typing Faster.”

[Guest Suicide King]

Ok, a less than impressive show. All matches were won by no-show, except for Bastion vs. Taylor which actually only exists because of TBS's goodness.