WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 11/06/2003.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

nanananana SWEATPANTS! nanananana SWEATPANTS! nanananana SWEATPANTS! SWEATPANTS! SWEATPANTS!

 

It's early and I thought I would make this the most irritating and rambling workrate report yet. U R STOKED~! (actual tilde bang because I actually missed the exclamation point. I am a GENIUS!) I bought a 12 of Old Mil. Don't think that I'm trying to steal Raven Mack's gimmick. In blind taste tests in 1992, actual an Portsmouth hotty who wore thigh high leather boots to work and was more redneck than a Hank Thompson song, picked Old Mil over Budweiser- the beer she swore by before hand. Since then, I buy Old Mil when I need swill and it's on hand. (Yes, I did pine for her love. I was a broken man in Tidewater and she was something out of a Johnathon Richman and Modern Lovers song. She was cracked. I was hurt. Well, all right. You know the type- completely self-destructive and there was no way you could stop her from fucking up her life. She would take you down with her but you wouldn't mind at first. Then the vcr is missing because she had to score some coke. It would have been like dating a stripper. Somebody was looking out for me, prolly. I don't give a fuck about that though. I wonder whatever happened to her, though I'm pretty sure I know. Anyway, I'll always remember she and I driving around my old hometown in my Mercury Marquis, mixing vodka and our slurpees and listening to Ride really loud and her showing me her body as she laid out on her roof in Portsmouth and how I ended up being happy that I didn't actually get entangled in her life when I left Tidewater and moved back to Richmond to be with my future wife. Ah booze.) I was at Kroger, it was there and I wasn't up for the beautifully wretched Hoffbauer Ice so HELLO OLD MIL! Fill my boozehole with your merry wonderment! So I'mn getting drunk and if you want check my spelling and make sure I use an actual predicate, feel free. Interpret said unedited drivel written by me any way you wanna. I realize now that I don't have "Hair Of THe Dog" on my hard drive anymore and I think I'll listen to the High On Fire cd Brian made me. ALSO! The wife and kids are at the in-laws hoose so I'm left to my own crapulence. They've been gone for three days now and they come back tomorrow so I'm waaaay past the "I'm all alone and I can rewatch the Cowboys game end over end while veiwing all the tennis porn on Uniform Series" and I'm now deeply into the "I'm a miserably boring motherfucker when left to my own idiotic devices" section of the time alone- so it's good to be married and to have kids. After you have kids, you realize that your life before kids was eternal, futile jacking off to tennis porn long after you tire of pornography taking place on a tennis court. I am not lying. Having children is beyond your comprehension- it really is. Have fun now. Really. Having kids is like the old Conan comics. Remember he was the wild freebooter and would kill, fuck and roam at will. then he got up with Belit and then he became the usurper of Aquilonia and he was never the same crazed barbarian he useta be. But that's good. Conan as a 50 year old still fucking harem girls and wandering the wasteland would be fucking pathetic. The wasteland is for the young to roam. Old guys should get drunk and review wrestling on their website and fixate over the Dallas Cowboys at work- listening to the Bill Parcells press conferences and the Buffalo Bills coach conference call with the Dallas media. It's only right. When you become a full grown man and have kids to watch after, you have to subvert your own fucked up desires for the good of the family you've created. That's the fucking world and I really really can't drink fast enough tonite- not because I have a problem with my life, but because I like getting lit up every now and then and I can get truly fukt when I'm alone. And hey! I'm alone. With you the gentle reader.

 

Being old as fuck doesn't mean you can't love the heavy as fucking fuck heavy metal. fuck me running, SPEEDWOLF by High On Fire is fucking awesome. brian knows his fucking metal and Ryan knows his fucking metal. They both can listen to Iced Earth without going, "I really like Queen and this is so lame-ass second hand Queen." I am from a different perspective. I got into metal listening to Judas Priest and Motorhead and then I got sidetracked by punk rock and post-punk until I got into Kreator and Celtic Frost in college. So I missed the whole section that makes me want to love Blind Guardian. FUCK! It's the wrestling:

 

WHAT WORKED:

 

- Eddy Guerrerro appears in the second hour of this turdlike Smackdown. Sorry, I can't really get into the Smackdown this evening. I keep listening to "Mother of Pearl" by roxy music because I wanted to write the Baron thing about it and it reminds me of how fucking great Roxy Music was. Really. You aren't really a MAN yet until Roxy Music can make some sense to you. Really. Nothing really else comes close. Eddy does carry both of Shaniqua's boys to a perfectly fine shitty handicap match. The Bashams are fine Southern heels but ya know... there can be no hot tag so who gives a shit. Somewhere in the match, Eddy loses focus. But it's a fucking handicapped match- of course eddy will lose focus. This match is fucking up the angle of Eddy needing Chavo to keep him focused and it's ruining my whole Eddy Needs Focus joke. SO FUCK YOU WWE. Eddy's wrestling prowess still keeps it up here. His fucking Vertical Suplex is fucking boss. Eddy cheats to win and God knows that that works. Eddy and Chavo are over.

 

- Vince comes out and he DOESN'T HAVE THE DECENCY to come out with Sable so I could at least get in a cheap joke about her leathery, festering gravyboat. FUCKER. oh fuck. His invocation makes this work. UP YONDER. Well here we are- in the worked column. Vince is fucking GREAT as a Southern preacher. He is absolutely fucking great going for the channelling of Jimmy Swaggert. IF ONLY he could show us footage of himself jacking off to the visage of a hooker. He is fucking great using the Southern Baptist use of repetition of "I was chosen". This ended waaaaay too abruptly. Vincent feigns an evil Southern baptist preacher every week and he will be here in the worked column because he will be tapping into an actual component of what is great in the Professional Wrestling- the relation between wrestling and religion. Dusty Rhodes understood it. Thunderbolt Patterson understood it. It took Vince 50 years to figure it out.

 

- Tajiri is there with his...guys. Nunzio is without his guys. Ultimo Dragon doesn't have any guys. Ultimo has the COMPLETELY BAD ASS red outfit. Noble is UD partner and THAT's fun. Noble gets to wrestling Malenkoesquely because he is a face. UD is fucking fun in this- being all quick and nifty. UD vs Nunzio would be a neato feud. Actually, UD and Tajiri is pretty great also. Nunzio is better though- as he is better at setting up the Southern tag cutoffs of UD's comebacks. The crowd could give a shit but who the fuck gives a fuck about a WWE crowd? Noble is really good on the apron, making the best of an indifferent situation. the hot tag is fun as it sets up Noble's shoulder and the Noble does the SWEET sequence to set up La Majistral. Fuck it, I dig this tag team match. Let's do it again.

 

- The Secret Adventures of Al Wilson: "Oh Caroline, have you ever heard of zis band- ze Roxy Music?"

 

"They useta play 'Love is The Drug' of WHFS but not much else. Why don't you hold me and tell me what's on your mind, loverman." She kisses him on the neck and his eyes get big and he breathes really deep.

 

"Vell... zere is zis song zat reminds me auf you... it goes... well let me play if for you..."

 

"I've been up all night, party time wasting is too fun..."

 

"See..... it is fucked up how this relates to you....

 

And I sit back thinking of life's inner meaning and my latest fling.....

 

"You are ze bastion of womanliness and BEYOND ALL I HAF EFER LOVED!

 

It's the same old story- all love and glory it's a pantomime...

 

"I am a fool. I am veek but I am fulfilled by your every caress, your every tender kiss... every tender kiss. I vill talk foolish like zis because I know zat you vill see the truth and know mein intention.

 

I've seen that something, just out of reach glowing- very holy grail...

 

"I never knew spiritual nourishment zan zat vich comes from your vomanly love, I never knew vat it means to be an actual man. I am an ANIMAL. I am a LION. I am ALIVE FOR ZE FIRST TIME!"

 

but you were my favorita and a place in your heart, dear, makes me feel more real...

 

"I do not vant to lie to you but alzo I cannot tell you ze truth. I cannot say zat I love you because I vould die if you did not love me."

 

Some anti-sleekness, was always my weakness- like a simple tune, but no dilitente filigree fancy beats the plastic you...

 

"I am not enough of a man yet to deal vith your true feelinks. I VILL SAY ZAT I LOVE YOU BUT DO ANSWER ME! It is ENOUGH for me to know zat your know. Even if you do not love me back, it is enough to know zat I love you and for me to be as alive as I am now.

 

Just give me your future, we'll forget your past...

 

"Sweet Gott. I have never know such bliss, such beauty, such fulfillment. I AM A FOOL! I AM A FOOL! I AM A FOOL! I AM A FOOL FOR YOU! ZERE IS NOTHING I vould not do for you. And I apologize if zis scares you. I... I do not and vould never vant you to be uncomfortable. Know zat I love you and hold me now and love me again like I haf never been loved. YOU now LOVE ME. Sweet mama, love me...."

 

oh lonely dreamer, your close-up provokes a picture cameo. Oh mother of pearl, so semi-precious in your detached world. Oh mother of pearl I wouldn't trade you for another girl...

 

- Big Show vs Bradshaw was weirdly good because Big Show bumped gigantic in his never-ending QUEST to be on the 500.

 

- Benoit is your fucking daddy. Can he and Angle carry the most worthless collection choads to be presented to him in A WHILE? Nathan Jones and Angle have a very edit-filled sequence. Benoit sells for Jones. Benoit and Angle do everything they can do to make the completely useless Matt Morgan look unlike shit. Morgan no-sells Benoit, so Morgan can completely engulf my dick and my balls into his mouth- halfway down his throat and suck until my pearly white semen drowns his uvula in my love. A-Train is fabulous in comparison- selling and looking desperate enough while hitting the butterfly suplex and we go to a fucking commercial. Brock injects himself and crushes Benoit against the pole. A-Train tags out and but luckliy Lesnar tags in. he beats Benoit in to oblivion and Benoit fights back. A-Train tags back in because I GUESS they realize that the other two are completely useless. Ah crap, they tag in Morgan and they do a bearhug spot and you and I both fall asleep. A-Train tags in and we have hope and YES A-train takes the German like a fucking man. Brock and Angle have hot moment and then Jones acquits me of my hatred by BUMPING LIKE AN ABSOLUTE MOTHERFUCKER. Big Show runs in and everything is fine after that. Bradshaw hits a legit Western Lariat and CENA makes the face turn complete and Brock takes a chair and the whole angle is set up. PREDICTION: Team Angle wins Survivor Series.

 

WHAT DIDn'T WORK:

- CENA is gonna nurse Rey Rey and we get to watch. That's cheap heat, m'friend! Cena sells the rana and Rey Rey decides to bump like a fucking psycho for no real reason. Rey Rey dumbs it all down to fucking ridiculous level. TAZZ calls a chinlock a Rear Naked Choke and you have to love that. Rey Rey makes Cena's lariat look good. Cena wins with a low blow and JESUS did Cena look pedestrian in this match. I blame Rey Rey. He can usually carry a load of a wrestler better than that. John turns face and A-Train tries to save him from himself. A-Train makes him his bitch and we are all into A-Train and Matt Whatshisname's new budding romance. Cena DOES pitch headfirst really well after taking the chairshot.

 

- MUGAtaker kinda sucked this week on the stick. Yeah, Zhixel is right. If he isn't talking about killing motherfuckers, it really isn't worth it.

 

- Vince comes out and he DOESN'T HAVE THE DECENCY to come out with Sable so I could at least get in a cheap joke about her leathery, festering gravyboat. FUCKER. oh fuck. His invocation makes this work. UP YONDER.

 

- Awwwww shit. The Cat is coming to Smackdown. It's kinda like getting Clamidia but even with Clamidia there is antibiotics. Welcome to the new burning, bleeding pee of Smackdown.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

What, no love for the Red Dancing Shoes?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

What, no love for the Red Dancing Shoes?

WHAT! What is this you speak of, you FREAK!?

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

I fucking hate Blind Guardian. I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to love them at all.

 

I would pay to see Nunzio and Ultimo give eachother hammerlocks for 3 hours. Christ those guys rule.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I fucking hate Blind Guardian. I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to love them at all.

 

I would pay to see Nunzio and Ultimo give eachother hammerlocks for 3 hours. Christ those guys rule.

Yeah, I'm with you, my brother. Fuck Blind Guardian.

 

And Christ, you are right.

[Guest Boo_Bradley]

Welcome to my sig

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I am proud to be part of your sig. U ROK!

[Guest Mulatto Heat]

Benoit and Angle do everything they can do to make the completely useless Matt Morgan look unlike shit. Morgan no-sells Benoit, so Morgan can completely engulf my dick and my balls into his mouth- halfway down his throat and suck until my pearly white semen drowns his uvula in my love.

Come on you guys, how come Dean doesn't get a "give him a chance" coming his way? I mean, it's RIGHT THERE for it to be used! Jump on it!