Old Mark Madden column from The Torch

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This is an old Torch column from the online VIP and it talks about the Sid/Arn Anderson fight.

 

Do the only right thing... fire Sid Vicious

 

By Mark Madden, Torch columnist

 

Imagine this scenario, if you will:

 

The Los Angeles Dodgers' Darryl Strawberry, who has done virtually nothing in baseball since making an initial impact with the New York Mets, gets into a clubhouse argument with teammate Brett Butler. It later turns into a barroom argument, although nothing more than words are exchanged. Then, late that night, Strawberry comes crashing through Butler's hotel room door, swinging a chair. He stabs Butler 20 times with a scissors, in the face, in the back, all over. He almost takes an eye out. He tries to slash his throat. It is clear that Strawberry initiated the fight. What does Dodger's management do?

 

Noting that Strawberry has done nothing but cause trouble since donning Dodger blue, they release his BUTT, using the fact that he started the fight with Butler—a reliable pro—to invalidate his contract. And, while I realize L.A. is the city where hitting someone in the head with a brick gets you the same sentence as shoplifting, charges would be filed.

 

Another scenario:

 

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's Mark Madden gets in an office argument with fellow sports writer Chuck Finder. They run into each other at a bar and the argument continues. Late that night, Madden knocks on Finder's door. When Finder answers, the above scenario is repeated, with Madden in the Strawberry role and Finder playing Butler. It is clear that Madden initiated the fight. What does Post-Gazette management do?

 

They fire his BUTT—Yes, that could take two trips. And they see to it that he's arrested and charges are filed.

 

Want more scenarios? Do it yourself. They all end with the same schmuck starting the fight and getting fired—unless he's totally irreplaceable—and probably getting arrested.

 

Which brings us to Sid Vicious. Who ain't totally irreplaceable.

 

Sure, Sid was the BUTT of constant ribbing on the now-infamous Tuesday bus trip from Cardiff to London. And sure, Arn Anderson overmatched him in a battle of wits at the hotel bar, sparing a soapdish the job. And sure, Sid was laughed at. Other than his body, there's a lot about Sid you can laugh at.

 

(By the way, the basic plot of the Sid-Arn conversation was as follows. Sid: You and that other old man [Ric Flair] should retire and let me have the spotlight so we can do some business. Arn: That would be great if you weren't all plugged full of juice and if you could work a lick and if you had ever drawn a house in your life. Madden: I kind of like the way Arn Anderson talks.)

 

Hey Sid, if you can't stand the heat, get off of the bus. Or out of the bar. Don't commit assault and battery, let alone assault with a deadly weapon, let alone attempted murder. This is civilization, Sid. Tall buildings. Asphalt streets. Law and order.

 

This is no isolated incident, either. Remember Squeegee Sid going after Brian Pillman? And remember Softball Sid, the guy who takes off springs and summers while feigning injury? And Selfish Sid, the guy who just won't sell or agree to do a clean job no matter the circumstances? And Steroid Sid, the guy who stomps out of the arena and goes home when they ask him to take a drug test? Or how about Successless Sid, the wrestler who is totally uninteresting once you've seen him more than once, the wrestler who has never really drawn a dime in his life?

 

Roll them all together and you have Stupid Sid Vicious, the biggest jerk in wrestling. The guy who left 20 stab wounds on Arn Anderson's person and slash marks across his neck.

 

And it's time to fire Stupid Sid's BUTT.

 

WCW has nothing to gain by keeping Stupid Sid around, except maybe a world championship reign staged before crowds of 800 or so and pay-per-view buyrates of 0.5 or less. And if Bill Shaw, Bob Dhue, and Eric Bischoff think that would be worth it, they're more stupid than I think. And I think they're plenty stupid.

 

One time, in capital letters so you all can understand: SID VICIOUS DOES NOT DRAW MONEY. Never has, never will. He is just too bland, too boring.

 

And Stupid Sid is a public relations blunder waiting to happen—again. This little gaffe happened in England, a land that is not only a million miles away, but a land that thinks a good time, sports-wise, includes a soccer riot. The odds of the news of this getting big in the U.S. mainstream are slim.

 

But what about next time?

 

What about the next time Stupid Sid goes into what certainly sounded like 'roid rage? What if it happens at a crowded U.S. hotel? And what if he kills somebody? Ninety-five percent of America would have been left dead by Stupid Sid's attack. Try marketing that, Sharon Sidello. Try turning that into an angle, Mike Weber—which Weber successfully did with the dunderheaded English papers, by the way. I mean, if the Star actually dug up pictures of Barry Windham with Burt Reynolds' post-Loni squeeze, betcha it might cover a Stupid Sid assault on somebody.

 

Can't you just see the headlines: WRESTLING BADDIE GOES BERSERK—IN REAL LIFE! With the subhead: SID VICIOUS ATTACKS MIDGET—FINALLY WINS ONE!

 

And you can bet your bottom $1.25—lower than that if you subscribe—that Ted Turner's name would be liberally mentioned throughout the story.

 

But there's much more to it than money and public relations. In fact, it doesn't really enter into the equation. This is an issue of right and wrong, not dollars and cents.

 

No, Stupid Sid has got to go.

 

But hey, why stop there?

 

Send Stupid Sid to jail.

 

Oh, that's not gonna happen. Arn and Stupid Sid each filed, but later withdrew, complaints against each other. It would likely have meant staying in the country for quite a while. But wouldn't it have been great? I'm not sure exactly what kind of laws they have over there, but I'm relatively certain attempted murder is illegal. Imagine, Stupid Sid on trial, in a foreign land yet. A bag search: he's carrying something, if not everything. Sent to the clink, U.K. style. He couldn't get a clean-cut decision over Brian Pillman with a squeegee or a sleeping Arn Anderson with a chair and scissors. How do you think he'd do against a half-dozen lifers looking for a little romance?

 

Then, when Sid got out, a U.K. wrestling company could have formed and built all of its promotion around him, only to have him split when cricket season rolls around. Next thing you would know, he'd be beating up a Buckingham Palace guard—sneak-attacking him, of course. And be back in a stir.

 

And best of all, we wouldn't have to worry about it. We would never have to hear about Stupid Sid again.

 

If this could be the result, then we could thank Arn Anderson for having one badly swollen eye and 20 puncture wounds to give to his fandom.

 

An aside: How tough is Arn Anderson? I mean, blind-sided by a huge guy, stabbed 20 times, and still tough enough to mount a comeback and put Sid in the hospital, too. It's nice to see one member of the fictional Anderson family has a little gumption.

 

Wanna know what scares me? As noted, Arn Anderson is one of few people in the world tough enough to defend himself from a premeditated backdoor assault from a guy the size of Stupid Sid. That could have happened to a fan who rubbed Sid the wrong way. To a wrestler who couldn't defend himself like Arn can.

 

It could have happened to you. Or to me.

 

And how immature is Stupid Sid Vicious? How big a coward? Does this guy ever fight when someone can see him coming? Does he wait until the softball turns its back before he hits it? Stupid Sid's assault reminds me of a third-grade bully—okay, a really big, really stupid third-grade bully—who was made fun of, so he tried to beat his verbal assailant up. Except even third-grade bullies come at their victims while they're awake. And they don't try to kill their victims in a premeditated fashion.

 

I reiterate. Fire Stupid Sid Vicious. Have him rule not the world, but the unemployment line in West Memphis, Arkansas.

 

Not for Arn Anderson's sake. Because this is one sick, demented, dangerous individual.

 

Whether or not Sid got arrested was up to Dhue, Shaw, and Bischoff.

 

I spoke with Bill Shaw on Friday for a story I'm preparing on the scum-laden business wrestling has become—or maybe always has been—for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Shaw basically refused comment, saying, "In all the years I've dealt with people I've never found it prudent to make statements or make decisions before I know all the facts. This is an in-house matter. Finding out what happened is a high priority, and once we do look into it, we'll do what's right for WCW and for the two wrestlers.”

 

I have a better idea, Bill.

 

How about doing what's right, period?

 

Fire Stupid Sid Vicious. Twenty stab wounds and slash marks across the throat are enough evidence for me. I'm no chemist and I'm certainly no detective—but that sounds pretty much like the trail of slime left by a steroid-driven homocidal maniac.

 

It would seem like firing Stupid Sid is the only thing Shaw, Dhue, and Bischoff could do. But they won't.

 

Like I said, I think those three are PLENTY stupid.

 

P.S. I don't think Arn Anderson is plenty stupid. And since TBS's official policy is that its wrestlers will be tested for steroids and that those flunking will be suspended or released... and since Stupid Sid Vicious has not, to my knowledge, ever actually been tested or since the results were apparently ignored if he was... and since his attack on Arn Anderson could easily be perceived as possible 'roid rage... I believe that Arn Anderson could easily hold TBS responsible for Stupid Sid's attack and have a helluva chance to win a lawsuit. It would beat working for a living, Arn, and it would especially beat working for a bunch of idiots who haven't done right by you in years.

 

By the way, this columnist's thoughts go out to Arn Anderson and his family. Arn is a true professional in a sport that knows very few these days. The report that Arn was in danger of losing an eye was, thankfully, false, although no long-term report regarding his health has been released yet.

 

Mark Madden of Pittsburgh, Pa. is a 14-year veteran sportswriter and editor with the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and hosts a Sunday segment on the "Real” wrestling 900-line. He has been a Torch columnist since April 1991.

 

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Wrestlers should take a stand, but won’t

 

By MARK MADDEN, Torch Columnist

 

I had to laugh when I read that WCW wrestlers were going to demand Stupid Sid Vicious be fired in the wake of his trying to turn Arn Anderson into a human pincushion in England. I had to laugh even harder when it was implied that they might refuse to work, i.e., strike, if Stupid Sid was kept.

 

Don’t get me wrong, that is exactly what they should do. But they won’t.

 

Why?

 

Road Warrior Hawk once said, “Everyone complains about the weather, but no one ever does anything about it." That should be the motto of the non­existent professional wrestlers union. Since the Stupid Sid­Arn incident, WCW wrestlers have been making noise about walking out if Stupid Sid is retained. Believe their feelings about Arn Anderson are quite genuine; he’s one of the most respected men—not wrestlers, but men—in WCW. But WCW’s wrestlers lack the guts or the organization to do anything but grimace while they share a dressing room with a guy who did grievous bodily harm to one of their own.

 

Much has been made about the term “independent contractors" as refers to wrestlers. Contractually, I don’t know. But morally? No doubt about it.

 

That’s why the flow of American wrestlers to Puerto Rico in the wake of Bruiser Brody’s murder only briefly slowed and never stopped. That’s why no one will quit WCW—or even make a loud noise—in wake of Stupid Sid’s assault on Arn. Just push me and pay me, please.

 

That’s the wrestling mentality. Wrestlers are basically a bunch of dopes who have had their spirits broken and who have been pushed through insane schedules. Yet they never, and I mean never, turn on the company they work for, even when the situation clearly calls for it. Oh, they’ll bitch incessantly in private about how the company abuses them and how this guy or that guy gets special treatment. But when push comes to shove, no one stands up for himself. In fact, when an outsider—like a member of the media—tries to expose a wrestling company for what it is, namely something akin to indentured servitude, more often than not those same wrestlers who bitch incessantly will actually, on the record, side with the company.

 

Why?

 

Good question. The time is riper than ever for a wrestlers’ union. In the old territorial days, when wrestlers tried to unionize, a company could just clear out the old and bring in the new—because there WAS new to bring in, a deep talent pool thanks to dozens of promotions across the nation. No one company used a ton of wrestlers and TV wasn’t shot very far in advance, so it was relatively easy to adjust things.

 

Now, let’s say the WCW wrestlers, sans Stupid Sid, decide to unionize, or at least to unite in their demand to get rid of Stupid Sid. And let’s assume that Bill Shaw could make a decision that required some testosterone—not the injection of testosterone, cynics—and decided to get rid of all of them except Stupid Sid. Who would Bill Shaw bring in? The WWF guys are under contract. I doubt the Smoky Mountain guys would come in en masse. How could Dusty Rhodes rearrange all the storylines to accommodate the exit of a whole company’s worth of wrestlers? How could Eric Bischoff reshoot all of that TV? How would the wrestling company justify the waste of all of that time and money to TBS? Better still, how would they explain to TBS that all this happened because they wouldn’t fire a guy who has done so much to be fired it’s ridiculous?

 

Making the position of WCW’s wrestlers all the more tenable should they decide to make this move is that a new wrestling company is preparing to start up in the good old U. S. of A. It’s been whispered in my shell­pink little ear that Hulk Hogan has decided his course of action, and it is to start his own wrestling company. Not a bad move, considering it would be easy to pirate most of the WWF’s and WCW’s syndicated TV given the low ratings of both and the fact that Hogan’s new show would have Hogan on it. TV types, given the ratings of the past, are likely still marks for Hogan.

 

More on that later, but the point is, there would likely be an option. Some WWF and WCW wrestlers are already considering that option. But if WCW wrestlers would strike and get fired, a new wrestling company, starting from scratch, would need plenty of workers.

 

Yes, WCW’s wrestlers could have leverage over management, if only they had the guts to take advantage of it.

 

Actually, another rumor has reached my ear. The WCW wrestlers may have courage; unfortunately, it may be the same kind of courage that Stupid Sid Vicious displayed when he fought Arn Anderson.

 

Resigned to the fact that WCW is run by idiots—a fact I’ve been resigned to for quite some time now—and that Stupid Sid will not be fired, WCW wrestlers may decide to take the matter into their own hands quite literally. They are considering harassing, ribbing, and yes, even physically assaulting Stupid Sid to the point where he’ll quit the company. It may turn into a real life “I­quit" match, with wrestlers beating up Stupid Sid until he quits.

 

The wrestlers are actually following certain logic: Stupid Sid attacked Arn Anderson and didn’t get fired. Ergo, would they be subject to dismissal if they beat up Stupid Sid? Probably, but we covered much of the double­standard concerning Stupid Sid last week. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a lot of these guys start skipping their steroid tests, too. The only thing that apparently absolutely insures dismissal from WCW is talking to the wrestling media.

 

My advice to the WCW wrestlers who want to beat up Stupid Sid?

 

Don’t.

 

Don’t get me wrong. If anyone deserves that kind of treatment, it’s Stupid Sid Vicious. But don’t lower yourselves to Stupid Sid’s level, which is exactly what you’d be doing. Don’t sneak­attack Stupid Sid. Don’t gang up on him. Don’t lower yourself to that sort of cowardice and violent mentality that Stupid Sid Vicious is famous for.

 

Shun him, ignore him, whatever. But don’t lay a hand on Stupid Sid Vicious. Somewhere in his twisted mind is a sense of right and wrong, I think. He has to live with what he did to Arn Anderson.

 

And give it time, too. You may not be able to get Sid Vicious fired. But by the time this rolls through the media, WCW will be shamed into firing him. Of that, I’m sure.

[Guest PhantMan]

great articles. got anything from mitchell?