your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 12/4/2003~!~!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I was gonna write a Workrate Report for last weeks and was getting psyched into doing it and then I decided that if I did it, it would become pathetic and superfluous- like my penis. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! God, I'm rocking it ALREADY! I got booze and I got no desire to edit anything, so roll with the love.

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Turdwellian was restless and yet he was at a loss for anything to do. He had settled into a weird life- lethargic, like his blood was oil like a Celacampth. His world was desolate and secluded and pseudo-Arctic-Canadian in it's isolation. He had steady man-love from Dr Poo. He had his books and his video tapes and his hobbies. He was trying to fight and go back to his wild years, when he would blow up enemy ships, drink bars dry, have brief episodes of romance. Turdwellian finally smirked at his own ridiculous, unseemly longing and finally realized that he needed to settle in for the winter and see the long future. The chilly, lethagic glide to the finish is the only way to go gracefully. Turdwellian's eyes lit up at his own strange wisdom and was very excited when Rikishi superkicked to be House A-Fire. "MR POO! Shaniqua is distracting us! HE IS CRUSHING OUR GIANT POLYNESIAN TESTICLE!" Turdwellian tries to right the ship as shenanigans fly around him! Finally Rikishi gets the upper hand! "WE WILL NOT USE THE DIVINE PUNGENT MAN-ASS! WE WILL USE THE SOMOAN DROP!" Old School. Turdwellian was at peace.

 

- Dawn Marie not being able to fuck Heyman is such a fabulous shoot. Dawn Marie has really weird fake titties- like two weird Lex Luger pecs pushed flat across the chest of a previously attractive woman. Shannon Moore actually fucking Heyman would be so mind-bogglingly Kevin Sullivan vs Brian Pillman/Sullivan vs Benoit shoot-work blurring that I REALLY can't see them not doing that.

 

- Nidia is blind and Jamie is really redneck in his sensitive voice. He actually used the "I'm sorry, baby. Don't call the police. I'll never do that again." voice. Sakoda comes to the ring and he looks like Ricky Steamboat and Babydoll's bastard lovechild. Sakoda should blow fire and do deep armdrags. They wrestle and stuff and Nidia is blind at ringside. they kinda wrestle and stuff and JAMIE NOBLE DOES THE ANDERSON BROTHERS SACRIFICE OF HIS GIRLFRIEND/BROTHER TO WIN THE MATCH! FUCKING GENIUS! Now they need to do the thing where Noble is fucking Linda McMahon while Nidia is standing there. "Don't pay them sounds n smells no nevermind! I'm JUST WASHIN' THE DAWG, BABY!"

 

- Benoit and Cena go nose to nose and YES! YOU AND I BOTH WONDERED IF THEY WOULD KISS!?!?!?!!!!! Why not? Why can't two men love each other before they oil, get into tiny pants and roll around grabbing each other? Romance. Romance. Whatever happened to romance? Whatever happened to hot romance? They get to the ring and ya know I like that Benoit guy. Benoit starts kicking his ass early until Cena's Ground n Ground n Ground attack kicks in. Cena with the perfectly beautiful fistdrop and sweet RYDEEEEEN BOMB to counter a Benoit comeback. They do stuff and Benoit misses the Diving Headbutt. F-U and the foot on the ropes! RESTART! COMMERCIAL! BOOZE POUR MOI! Benoit goes all New Japan Junior 1996 with the dropkick to the hurt arm. The rest of the arm-spindling is fucking great. Cena is really good at selling. All of his matches should be like this and the MASTERFUL Undertaker match versus Cena. Benoit is FINALLY gnarley with the assbeat and I can truly love this match. Benoit hits the SWWWEEET Powerdriver on the shoulder and THEN ANOTHER! This is the best Benoit match since that match with Angle a while back. Cena's selling plus Benoit's intensity and vast offense could make for a suddenly GREAT fued. Benoit with the Sharpshooter and I am SO deeply in love with this match. Cena makes the ropes. Big Show creates diversion and Benoit sinks in the Crippler Crossface. Great fucking match. These two got five star affair innem somewhere.

 

- Eddy and Chavo are at loggerheads. It's time for Chavo. It's no longer about Eddy. It's also not about Guerrerros. Shelton Benjamin could REALLY use a dickish Curt Angle talking for him but that all seems like a beautiful dream. Eddy pulls up in a What the fuck are those cars called? My friend's sister Amy had one of those. Goddam, I'd be fucking her right now. Chavo fucking rules in this with the selling of the knee. Shelton is pretty fucking great supplying the reasons for Chavo to sell the knee. Chavo is fucking AWESOME making his comeback and then Eddy cheats to help Chavo win. Chavo gets pissed off at Eddy because it was supposed to be about Chavo. Chavo is fabulous as the overlooked and overly talented member of the Mexican wrestling royalty family. Cuz he actually is.

 

- FBI with the pool was fucking genius. UD gambling was fabulous. The A-Train bet was a brilliant angle. I dig the ALTERNATIVE way that the wrestling could be fixed.

 

- Brock vs Benoit was fucking fabulous. Lesnar bumps like a fucking psycho early and -JESUS- it didn't take long for Smackdown to get back on track. Benoit then bumps like an even bigger psycho when Brock goes on offense. Brock sinks in the sweet rear naked choke and I think this is the FIRST time he has EVER doen any matwork. Brock's power in the cutting off of Benoit with the powerslam is fucking BEAUTIFUL. Jesus Christ, Brock would be the ETERNAL IWGP champion. Brock comes back from the commercial with a rear naked choke. Benoit chops and bumps and bumps and bumps. Brocks flies into the steps. Brock sells the assbeat like a fucking KING. Benoit sells the German like a fucking king. Brock sells the multiple german apres le Shoulder bump like a fucking king. Benoit hits the flying headbutt. FOR TWO! Benoit fights for the Crossface but Brock does MORE MAT WORK!?!?!?! Ref bump and Crossface! Ref down! F-5! Ref Down! TWO COUNT! This match is fucking great. Brock procures the greatest version of the Yamada Legbreaker EVER. AWWWESOME. Benoit passes out like a MAN. (what the fuck was up with the A-Train bet?)

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- Brock comes out and starts his own "Ball Headed Geek" chant and then talks about not tapping out. I like the fact that this useless segment gives me time to settle in with the 12 pack of Magnum I just busted open. Kroger on Lombardy is awesome. 12 of Magnum $4.19. Brock rambles and sets up Cena vs Benoit.

 

- Shannon Moore squashed by Big Show? What is this bullshit?

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON: "Vat kind of fucking ANIMAL am I?" Baron was lost in thought. He was ashamed but he also stared at Jennifer's ass and wasn't so ashamed that he did not wake her up with his need for love. "Jennifer".

"Good morning, lovah. Bring it on, big daddy." Baron loses all shame when confronted with the sheer sexual prowess of his first love, defiled and coming back for more.

"Sveet Jesus. Jennifer oh Jenny I cannot love you, mein petit chou...." Baron fights no more and Jennifer spins her web and he is helpless. He doesn't notice her earrings on the window sill. Caroline will notice two days later.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Ronixis]

Brock vs Benoit was fucking fabulous. Lesnar bumps like a fucking psycho early and -JESUS- it didn't take long for Smackdown to get back on track. Benoit then bumps like an even bigger psycho when Brock goes on offense. Brock sinks in the sweet rear naked choke and I think this is the FIRST time he has EVER doen any matwork. Brock's power in the cutting off of Benoit with the powerslam is fucking BEAUTIFUL. Jesus Christ, Brock would be the ETERNAL IWGP champion. Brock comes back from the commercial with a rear naked choke. Benoit chops and bumps and bumps and bumps. Brocks flies into the steps. Brock sells the assbeat like a fucking KING. Benoit sells the German like a fucking king. Brock sells the multiple german apres le Shoulder bump like a fucking king. Benoit hits the flying headbutt. FOR TWO! Benoit fights for the Crossface but Brock does MORE MAT WORK!?!?!?! Ref bump and Crossface! Ref down! F-5! Ref Down! TWO COUNT! This match is fucking great. Brock procures the greatest version of the Yamada Legbreaker EVER. AWWWESOME.

 

 

This is the best part of the post you ever done yet man...Funny and Fucking Serious, tears me up man... :Cries:

[AndrewTS 0]

I was gonna write a Workrate Report for last weeks and was getting psyched into doing it and then I decided that if I did it, it would become pathetic and superfluous- like my penis.

 

What's a superfluous penis like?

 

This match is fucking great. Brock procures the greatest version of the Yamada Legbreaker EVER. AWWWESOME.

 

...and now we have a name for that move, at least until WWE comes up with a really crappy one for it. Bless your extensive knowledge, Dean.

 

Alas, I only taped it, doubting that WWE would allow these guys to go all out and give us a really good match. I'm glad to hear that they didn't disappoint and I'm going to have to check this mf'er out.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I was gonna write a Workrate Report for last weeks and was getting psyched into doing it and then I decided that if I did it, it would become pathetic and superfluous- like my penis.

 

What's a superfluous penis like?

Give it time. You'll find out.

[Guest Goodear]

- Shannon Moore squashed by Big Show? What is this bullshit?

 

Well he's a big show. He's a big bad show tonight man. You might see him coming, but you'll never know. He's a big show.

 

Seriously, the chuck over the turnbuckles on the floor was sweet and Big Show chops rule.

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

What I want to know is- if A Train had $10000 on Benoit, why didn't he run down when the ref was bumped and beat the crap out of Brock?

He ran in to help Sable beat Stephanie, but he won't do it with 10k on the line? Idiot. They should make an angle where A Train loses all his money gambling and has to pimp himself out on the streets for enough for food and chest hair tonic.

[Guest Goodear]

Because the FBI would throw out the bet...

 

FORCE MAJORE!

 

Palumbo throws a punch that cuts like a knife!

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

Ah, I hadn't counted on that. Ok then A Train, you win this time...

[Guest ligerbomb03]

Excellent report, Dean. Thanks for posting it.

[UseTheSledgehammerUh 0]

I think A-Train attacking heels to save his bets could be good...even make him a face? If he puts some clothes on, works the streets, and chokebombs the likes of FBI, Jones, and Morgan and gets 'em off TV quicker, I won't have a problem.