Do your own promo.

[Guest]

How would you do your own promo?

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

"Hey! I'm Cobain Was Murdered, the most hardcore obsessive son of a bitch this side of Anglesault. When I get my hands on you I'll SQUEEZE until you too admit: Cobain Was Murdered..."

[Guest]

As Reality:

 

"Hulk Hogan I'am the strongest force that has threatened Hulkamania. Be prepared Hogan, because if anyone of your friends try to interfere, I will send your two worst opponents that you have never beat, and will never beat, Age, and Male-Pattern Baldness, not even Hulking up can save you now.  So Hogan, whatcha gonna do when Reality hits you."

Proceeds to pose like Hogan.

 

I will write more later, please continue to write your promos to.

[Guest]

I may not have scars like Sabu or Be as Hardcore as Foley. But I do have acne scars!! See this one right here. This one occur on the night I was suppose to go to the Prom with Suzie Jabolski. But as soon as Suzie Jabolski saw the puss oozing from my pimple she said she felt sick an couldn't go.

But Years Later I found out she went with Steven Wilson while I stayed home masturbating to pictures of Beau Arthur!

 

Now as you Can see I'm here standing in this Wwf ring about to Wrestle Stone Cold. While Suzie Jabolski is turning tricks on the corner of some street to support her herion addict. An Steven Wilson is a fluffier for gay porn.

Austin get your bionic ass to this ring So I can make you another Steve Wilson or Suzie Jabolski!!!

[Guest One Bad Apple]

Eh, why not.

 

 

 

 

=====

 

 

 

TERRI:

Rob Van Dam, you've been IC Champion for almost a month now, pinning men like Mr. Perfect and Booker T.  It seems you'll have that belt forever.

 

ROB VAN DAM:

Shyeah, looks like.  Terri, when you're [thumbs, crowd chant] Rob Van Dam, you just hafta be thankful that you are him and that you're not just wanting to be him.  Shyeah.

 

TERRI:

Now, tonight, yo— who in the hell ... ?!

 

[ A mean man approaches Terri.  The man is mean, and wearing a fluorescent Gitano T-shirt and a cowboy hat.  ]  

 

MEAN MAN:

That don't matter right this minute, Terri.  Y'know, honeysuckle ... you're always telling us how much you love food, but I really was havin' some trouble believin' ya.  I mean, just lookit how thin you is, lady.  Guess I was wrong, though, since that was a mighty big load you just dropped into yer pretty little panties when you got yerself a gander of how mean I look.  

 

[  Terri drops the microphone and goes to change those double-X dirty panties of hers.  The Mean Man picks the mike up off the floor.  ]  

 

MEAN MAN:

As for me, the name is ... "Oily Lorenzo."  But only my dear, departed mama can call me that.  You folks at home?  You must refer to me as either "Prince Half-Breed" or "'Dry Gulch' Guthrie McMastermind."  And you, Mr. Beaver-Dam ... you can call me "Poison Horse of South Texas."  Wanna know why?

 

RVD:

Not really, dude.

 

POISON HORSE OF SOUTH TEXAS:

'Cause I will send you on a one-way ride along the Hippie Idiot Express.

 

RVD:

What does that have to do with being a poisoned horse?

 

POISON HORSE:

Don't try to weasel your way outta this one, weasel.  I want that there belt.  Tonight!

 

RVD:

Hey, that's cool.  Everything's cool when you're [thumbs, crowd chant] Rob ... Van ... Dam.

 

POISON HORSE:

I'm gon' PAWN it.

 

RVD:

Whatever, dude.

 

POISON HORSE:

Them's sounds like fightin' words, longhair.  Ol' Guthrie ain't take kindly to them.  See these?  [holds up fists]  They call these babies ... "The Tenderizahs."  

 

RVD:

I thought you were a horse, dude.

 

POISON HORSE:

Wanna know why?

 

RVD:

Dude, you're puttin' me to sleep.

 

POISON HORSE:

'Cause they'll turn you into ground beef.  

 

RVD:

Heeey ... I didn't think tenderizers could turn people into meat!

 

POISON HORSE:

Dead meat, son.  Then I'll put you in between my chops ... an' chew you up.  Yeah, that's right ... I'm fixin' to eat you.

 

RVD:

Eat me?

 

POISON HORSE:

WHAT?!  

 

STEVE AUSTIN:

Said he'll eat you.

 

CROWD:  

WHAT?!  

 

AUSTIN:

Have you for lunch.

 

CROWD:  

WHAT?!

 

AUSTIN

Digest you in da bell-eh!

 

CROWD

WHAT?!

 

AUSTIN:

Get a chance to see this yet?  [gives the camera the finger]

 

CROWD:   [laughs, claps politely]

 

POISON HORSE:

I can't believe you've disrespected me like that, ya bastard.  

 

RVD:

Yeah.

 

POISON HORSE:

I visited your pappy's grave the other day.

 

RVD:

Shyeah, I kinda stopped visiting him after he died.

 

POISON HORSE:

I peed my urine on his grave.  The urine from my filthy poker soaked the flowers that was planted there at his tombstone.

 

RVD:

Hey, all these people know what [thumbs, crowd chant] Rob Van Dam is gonna be growin' at his grave.  [pop for drug reference!]

 

POISON HORSE:

Now I know must be tough, ain't got yerself a father no more. But ... tonight?  Know ... that I will be your daddy.

 

RVD:

I don't really call him anymore.  Y'know ... since he died and all.

 

POISON HORSE:  [walks off, makes "belt around the waist" motion]

 

MAVEN:

Wow, that guy looks like he's aimin' to send you to Paradise, Rob.  I hope you can handle yourself against that bad hombre.  [takes drink out of empty Slurpee cup]

 

RVD:   [looks at Maven's cup]

Heeey, that's me on there!  Want me to autograph it for you?  

 

MAVEN:

Somebody pinch me—I'm dreamin'!

 

 

 

=====

 

 

 

 

Heh ... that was fun.

[Guest J*ingus]

Michael Cole: "So Jingus, what are you doing here in the world wrestling federation?"  

 

Jingus: (stares at him in an unsettling serial killer-type manner)

 

Cole: " . . . "

 

Jingus: (keeps staring)

 

Cole: (runs away)

 

Jingus: (turns to camera, continues staring)

 

Cameraman: (starts shaking nervously)

 

Jingus: (continues staring, although an insane grin is slooooooooooooooooowly forming on his face)

 

This continues until the freaked-out editor in the production truck finally cuts away.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

Michael Cole: "So Jingus, what are you doing here in the world wrestling federation?"  

 

Jingus: (stares at him in an unsettling serial killer-type manner)

 

Cole: " . . . "

 

Jingus: (keeps staring)

 

Cole: (runs away)

 

Jingus: (turns to camera, continues staring)

 

Cameraman: (starts shaking nervously)

 

Jingus: (continues staring, although an insane grin is slooooooooooooooooowly forming on his face)

 

This continues until the freaked-out editor in the production truck finally cuts away.

::CWM runs away from his computer in fright::

[Guest]

::Mario does promo in Freddy costume::

 

Well, Jigus, you think your're scary, well, your're right, so I will do my best to avoid you, I will be hiding from you in the Anglesault thread.

 

::Runs to new thread::

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Ahem...(clears throat)

 

Michael Cole:

 

I'm here backstage with the hottest new sensation to sweep the WWF, the man known worldwide as Zack Malibu.  Zack, you're taking on Billy Kidman tonight.  Any thoughts?

 

Zack Malibu:

 

Michael Cole, you want to know something about Zack Malibu?  You want the "inside scoop"?  Did you know, Michael Cole, that I once stopped a mini mart robbery armed only with two pennies and some beef jerky?

 

Michael Cole:

 

Well no, I...

 

Zack Malibu:

 

But that's not important!  What is important, is what happens in that ring tonight.  There's a young man walking around with the cruiserweight title, and his name is Billy Kidman.  Billy Kidman you're not only going to meet Zack Malibu tonight, but you're going to meet a woman.  The cold, cruel mistress of defeat, who will kindly introduce herself once the final bell tolls, and the 3 count is placed in the record books.  I'm not asking you to enjoy the fact that you're going to be defeated, Billy.  I'm not looking forward to you hating it.  But you will ACCEPT the fact that your wifebeater wearin' ass got beat by the best thing going today!  From near and far, they've come to see the rising star, and that star is Zack Malibu!

 

(Zack Malibu went on to defeat Billy Kidman that night.  Kidman is currently embroiled in a scandal involving Torrie Wilson, Tajiri, massage oil, whip cream, and a leather boy scout uniform.)

[Guest Shaved Bear]

Im gonna maul then shave you!

[Guest goodhelmet]

it's me it's me, it's goodhelmet.... no that doesn't work

 

goodhelmet is just Tooo Sweeettt.... no not that one

 

goodhelmet says i just kicked your ass... that sucks

 

Aw fuck, catchphrases suck

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

I got one for you goodhelmet,

 

Goodhelmet 3:16 says I just whooped your ass

[Guest]

What is the aWo? Kicking Treble's ass??!?!?! What is with that? ???

[Guest]

Lilian Garcia-Ladies and gentleman I'm standing here with the newest superstar in the WWF....the Jesuit Pig! Jesuit, you have a match with Riksihi tonight. Can you tell us about it?

 

Jesuit-Lilian first I must say you are the finest piece of ass I've seen in awhile. Baby maybe yuo could come to my room after the show and the Pig will put his pork in you. As for Rikishi? I am not worried at all. Big man you think your going to pick up the win tonight? What a laugh. The fans don't care abiout you except for your stinkface and your dancing. Riksihi you are over and it is time for Jesuit Pig to put an end to overall suckyness. Its true, oh its DARN TRUE!!!!!!

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

What is the aWo? Kicking Treble's ass??!?!?! What is with that? ???

go to the one and only anglesault thread, and you'll see.

 

the aWo is the Anglesault World Order and consists of myself,Anglesault,Goodhelmet, And (The Vincent of the group), Caboose.

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

Sometimes, the freaks around here, they say they experience pleasure.

 

Sometimes, these freaks say they even feel the climax?

 

But, have you ever, experienced Finality?

 

Because, baby, it's your lucky night.

 

You say Freaks Kick Ass, Kane?

 

We'll see what kind of freak you really are...

 

Finally...

[Guest caboose]

Promo explaining heel turn in Anglesault thread.

 

Caboose-'So you all want to know why I joined the aWo?

I'll tell you why I joined the aWo, it's because from every guy in the production truck, all the way upto Triple H is holding me back.

I was meant to take down the aWo myself, but that sonofabitch Russo comes to me and says I got to lose instead and get my revenge on dome shitty house show!

Well screw that! If i can't beat them, I might aswell join them, at least they know they have to play dirty to stay at the top, If i'd stayed face I'd get this fucking crap about letting the Heel win to swerve the fans and keep them on their toes!

Like hell i'm gonna get jobbed out to guys i should be beating!

I'm only doing stuff for myself now, I want the glory, I want the BELTS, I want to be a Legend!

And If becoming a Legend means selling my soul and turning on the fans, book me a seat next to the devil in Hell!

Screw the Marks! Screw the Smarks! And Screw the Smarts! They don't know jack about the business and Hell they never will!

They can sit there playing their stupid Video Games!

I'm living the Dream! I'm the Real Deal! The fans don't win, I WIN!!

I've got a ONE WAY TICKET and it's heading to the STARS.

At the END OF THE LINE I'm going to be sitting in my Mansion with my SuperModel GirlFriends out in LA, while all you stupid fans are working your stupid 9 to 5 jobs just to cover you Divorce settlements!

It was never about the fans, it was never about stopping the aWo, Hell it wasn't even about AngleSault!

It was only about me getting my Glory, Me getting my Respect, And me getting MY MONEY!'

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

Promo explaining heel turn in Anglesault thread.

 

Caboose-'So you all want to know why I joined the aWo?

I'll tell you why I joined the aWo, it's because from every guy in the production truck, all the way upto Triple H is holding me back.

I was meant to take down the aWo myself, but that sonofabitch Russo comes to me and says I got to lose instead and get my revenge on dome shitty house show!

Well screw that! If i can't beat them, I might aswell join them, at least they know they have to play dirty to stay at the top, If i'd stayed face I'd get this fucking crap about letting the Heel win to swerve the fans and keep them on their toes!

Like hell i'm gonna get jobbed out to guys i should be beating!

I'm only doing stuff for myself now, I want the glory, I want the BELTS, I want to be a Legend!

And If becoming a Legend means selling my soul and turning on the fans, book me a seat next to the devil in Hell!

Screw the Marks! Screw the Smarks! And Screw the Smarts! They don't know jack about the business and Hell they never will!

They can sit there playing their stupid Video Games!

I'm living the Dream! I'm the Real Deal! The fans don't win, I WIN!!

I've got a ONE WAY TICKET and it's heading to the STARS.

At the END OF THE LINE I'm going to be sitting in my Mansion with my SuperModel GirlFriends out in LA, while all you stupid fans are working your stupid 9 to 5 jobs just to cover you Divorce settlements!

It was never about the fans, it was never about stopping the aWo, Hell it wasn't even about AngleSault!

It was only about me getting my Glory, Me getting my Respect, And me getting MY MONEY!'

LMAO.

 

and we promised you belts...

[Guest evenflowDDT]

forgive me for making this into a narrative rather than a script format.

---

Let me tell you all a story, about a little boy named Edward.  He didn't have scissors for hands, but he was still incomplete.  One day, this little boy was flipping channels and saw a wrestler named Raven.  Intelligent, hardcore, disrespected, what wasn't to like?

 

"What about me?" exclaimed the wrestler "What about Raven?"

 

The little boy was entranced.  What about him? He had no right to challenge what other people thought, for everyone else was always right.  At least that's what the little boy thought, for why else would everyone be mean to him? They had to be right.  Right? The little boy thought that if he acted like that, nobody would let him carry their books anymore or pay for their dinner, and nobody would call him names (which he didn't like, but he knew it was just a joke).  You've got no right to challenge those above you.  Right? Right?

 

"What about me?" exclaimed the wrestler again.

 

"What about Edward?" the little boy mouthed, and went to sleep.

 

The next day, the little boy decided he wanted to become a wrestler.  More specifically, despite years of training and hard work, the little boy became a jobber.  It wasn't right to gain wins, not when the main-eventers and even the mid-carders above him were always right.  They had to be right, that's why they were on top, right? If he kept doing what they said eventually they would give him his chance, right? Right?

 

One day, the little boy, who was not so little anymore, saw his idol Raven, the wrestler who encouraged his dream.

 

"All I have accomplished is because of you... You're my idol!" said the boy.

 

"Your idolatry is worthless.  If it is true that you view highly of me, then how is it that you have accomplished nothing in my name? Here you are, supposedly worshipping me, but what are you? You are a jobber, nothing more! You have no self respect, you have no dignity."

 

The boy was dumb-founded.  "What about you? What about Raven?" he replied

 

"Ahh, but what about you? What about Edward, the little jobber, whom, nobody respects? The one who will lay down tonight for Crash Holly, because the men upstairs told you to? What about you? You're nothing, and if you truly respected me you would respect yourself and change that!"

 

The little boy was confused, but scrambled backstage to prepare for his match.

 

The boy indeed wrestled Crash Holly, and indeed laid down.  As he was rolling out of the ring, who should run in but Raven.  Raven rushed the ring, smashing a celebratory Crash Holly in the back of the head with a barbed wire bat.  He picked up the little boy and handed him the bat.

 

"What about you? What about Edward? Edward is nothing.  Edward has never been anything.  He is holding you back, destroy him, by destroying Crash!"

 

The little boy brandished the bat, and, slowly and cautiously, began to beat Crash over and over.  The sickening sight of barbed wire meeting flesh and blood quickly flowing throughout the ring was not one the audience was soon to forget.  With every strike the little boy seemed to become more and more distraught.  Raven motioned the boy off, and picked up Crash.

 

"This man, Crash, though he mistreated you and you jobbed to him he was your friend, correct?"

 

The boy nodded.

 

"Then you must destroy him, to gain the self-respect you never had by destroying the old you."

 

The boy looked at the bat, then at Crash, then at Raven.

 

"You know you must.  You know you're tired of being the loser, the one who lays down for everyone, who gets insulted by everyone.  You know you're tired of being a nobody.  Do it!"

 

The boy, with tears in his eyes, swung and hit Crash in the face.  As the wrestler fell, so did the boy, to his knees bawling.  Raven picked him up, only to DDT him.

 

"Such is the first step, such is your fate.  No longer are you Edward, no longer is anything you do wrong, you must realize one thing - there is no justice in this world.  No longer are you disrespected, no longer are you laying down, no longer are you Edward.  Now, you are evenflowDDT."

 

The little boy was in a haze.

 

"There is no justice in this world...." he muttered "So be it..." before passing out.

[Guest One Bad Apple]

I dunno why, but I thought that was kinda adorable in some parts.  And you really nailed the way Raven talks.

 

That was more of an angle than a promo, but I enjoyed it nonetheless ... except for maybe all the references to jobbing.  It'd be cool to see something like that actually happen on Raw sometime.

 

Best I've read so far, beating out other good ones from Logan and Popick.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Thanks OBA! I've never seen you praise anyone before, so that's really cool.  Yea, I realize now it was more of an angle than a straight-up promo, but I was writing it up pretty late last night so in my sleepy haze wasn't really paying attention.

 

As for the references to being a jobber, yea that does break kayfabe just a little, but I couldn't think of any other way to put it at the time.

[Guest]

"aWo, it's time for me to reveal my secret weapon, I have brought back the Ultimate Solution and Z-Gangsta, so whatcha gonna do when these nightmares come for you."

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

::we'll laugh our asses off since, we're buddies with the booker!::

[Guest razazteca]

Drury37 you out there brotha, I know that you are lurking in the forums somewhere.  I laying down a challenge to you amigo, U & Me in a old school cage match.  You claim to be tag team champ with Dreamer 420 but in the Chain Link Cage, you have to fight your on battles.  You may have more experience than I but a mere 100 post is nothing to this Luchadore from the SouthWest.  For I have been traveling and working the 'net wrestling forums for years under different mascaras and names.

 

The time has come for me to come out of retirement one more time to take care of business.  Drury37 its time for you to pay for your sins of no selling the Garvin Stomp!!!