OAOAST IntenseZone - 12/23/03

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

The show opens on a set of wrestling boots, walking through...snow?

 

The boots stop. More boots appear next to it. The camera pans up to reveal IZ boss Dan Black, a black scarf wrapped around his neck, a lantern in his right hand, sheet music in his left. Dan scowls and mutters.

 

"Damn stupid promotional duties..."

 

The camera moves out to show IZ stars Blurricane, Shuffle, Dangerous A, G Money, SPIDERPOET~!, Ted Weddy, Plushy Al Logan, Judas, Father, the Blurri-Rangers, D Nice, Alfdogg, JINGUS and Shooter Jay Darring~!

 

The cluster of men look at each other unhappily, before music strikes up, and some kind of sound is forcibly emitted from the IZ stars...

 

Silent Night...

Holy Night...

All is-

 

BLACK

You're way out of tune Blurricane!

 

BLURRICANE

Huuuuuuuh?

 

TED WEDDY

It's YOU Danny boy! You sound like a someones castratin' you, man!

 

-All is bright

Round yon Virgin Mother and-

 

BLACK

Cone, you'll spoiling it, sing properly!

 

SPIDERPOET

WHAT?

 

*SLAP!*

 

BLACK

You'll regret that, you bitch! Come here!

 

Sleep in heavenly- *CRACK!*

 

Dan Black is layed out! Dangerous A attacks Poet from behind! JINGUS chokeslams Father! A BRAWL breaks out! Fists are thrown! Snow is thrown! Bodies are thrown!

 

The camera pans up to show the sky, filled with swirling snow flakes, then down again, to show a pile of bodies twitching and covered in snow. A groan limps out:

 

Sleep in Heavenly peace...

 

Merry Christmas from all on IntenseZone

 

 

Lights! Camera! Pyro! Jim Ross!

 

 

JR

Good evening everybody, seasons greetings from good ol' JR! Over the next two weeks, we'll be looking back over the past incredible year of IntenseZone, but tonight we'll also look forward to next Sundays big PPV show!

 

Let's get to it!

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

::The show opens with special bonus footage from last week's IntenseZone. It is obvious that this is true, since at the bottom of the screen in white letters reads "LAST WEEK ON INTENSEZONE, AFTER THE SHOW WENT OFF THE AIR."

 

"Know Your Role 2K3 (Hollywood Version)" is being played. Puerto Rican Lightning and Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez are walking to the ring while the crowd boos. PRL and Ms. Lindsay are pissed and walking to the ring angrily. PRL has the OaOasT North American and Puerto Rican Championships over his shoulders and is holding Lindsay’s hand, who is holding her neck in pain. The crowd chants “P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS!” but Lightning is not hearing the crowd chants. He is steaming mad entering the ring. Lindsay slowly enters, holding her neck in pain. Puerto Rican Lightning poses on the turnbuckles to boos and flips the crowd off. He poses on the other turnbuckle a’la The Rock, and then demands a microphone. He checks on Lindsay once more then demands that his music stops. “Know Your Role 2K3 (Hollywood Version)” stops playing. The crowd begins booing loudly and chant “P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS!” PRL sneers at the crowd. Lindsay sneers. Lightning places his belts on the floor.::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

SHUT UP!!!!

 

::The crowd boos.::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning (Continuing):

Now, I know ya’ll expected a World Title Match between Calvin Szechstein and myself for tonight. But, I talked it over with Calvin, and we both agreed to save that match for a later date since I have a lot of stuff on my mind, and I wouldn’t bring my A game in this matchup. So, you pieces of trailer-park trash will just have to wait a little bit more longer to see YOUR North American Champion take on the OaOasT Champion in a one-on-one match.

 

::The crowd boos. Lindsay kisses PRL, who then continues.::

 

PRL:

Now, onto another, more important topic. THE MAD CAPPA!

 

::Crowd POPS~!! “Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa!” chants fill the arena. PRL holds his head to drown out the noise. When that doesn’t work, he slaps his forehead four times. When that doesn’t work, he holds onto Lindsay.::

 

PRL:

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!! THIS is what I’m talking about! Week, after damn week, you come out here, you run your mouth, you attack my friends. You attack my security. You try to attack ME! And yet these idiots cheer you. They love you! WHY? Have you people got any morals? Any decency? I’m a legend in Puerto Rico; I do not deserve to be treated this way!

 

::More boos. “P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS!”::

 

PRL (Continuing):

But CRAPPA. Last week, you crossed the line. (Voice getting lower): CRAPPA, last week, you reached a new low. Last week, on IntenseZone, you showed the world that you were a misogynist. You showed the world that you were a coward. How DARE YOU? Attack a poor, innocent woman like Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez!!! What did she ever do to you? All she did was slap you in the face, and you respond by giving her the BUST A CAP!

 

::Crowd pops.::

 

PRL:

And these PEOPLE CHEERED!!! WHY? Has American society degenerated so much that people now cheer for guys who beat up on women? This kind of crap would not be tolerated in Puerto Rico, I can tell you that right now!

 

::The crowd boos loudly and chant “SLUT! SLUT! SLUT! SLUT!” at Lindsay. Lindsay groans and holds her neck some more. Tha Puerto Rican checks up on Lindsay and gives her a kiss.::

 

PRL:

You okay, baby? Good. Mad Cappa, you did the unthinkable. You attacked my girl! You attacked the love of my life! You attacked the woman of my dreams! You attacked my ho—my future wife! This beautiful, gifted, talented, sexy, big breasted---uh,--unique female specimen did not deserve to be given the BUST A CAP. Everyone claims that I’m evil. That I’m “psychotic, unstable.” Well, Cappa, YOU’RE THE REAL EVIL ONE!

 

::Boos.::

 

Lightning:

Soon, Cappa. Real soon. You will get yours. Mark my words. As God, if he exists, as my witness, I swear, as soon as I get done with you, you will spend next Christmas in a wheel chair! You will never EVER EVER touch Lindsay again. I will see to it that you---

 

::Suddenly, the blaring trumpets start playing causing the crowd to pop loudly. The trumpets fade into a hip-hop beat as “Let Me Clear My Throat (Old School Mix)” by DJ Kool starts to play. PRL stands in shock in the ring. He gulps as he, and the crowd, await Cappa’s entrance. Finally, The Mad One enters through the curtain to a HUGE pop. He has a microphone in his hand and is pacing back and forth slapping hands with the fans. He points at PRL, who is shaking in his boots, and sweating. He gulps while Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez gives him a cold stare. The fans begin chanting “Go Cap-pa! Go Cap-pa! Go Cap-pa!” in tune with “Let Me Clear My Throat (Old School Mix)”.

 

The Mad Cappa:

Cut the damn music!

 

::”Let Me Clear My Throat (Old School Mix)” by DJ Kool stops playing. The crowd begins cheering loudly and chant “Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa!” The cameras point to a sign in the crowd that says BUST A CAP IN HIS ASS CAPPA with a picture of Puerto Rican Lightning with a bulls-eye across it. Cappa takes a few moments to soak in the cheers. He raises a fist in the air to acknowledge the crowd and begins to speak.::

 

The Mad Cappa:

Puerto Rican Lightning. You know, when I was lying in the hospital, I watched you on OaOasT IntenseZone. I saw what you did those 3 months I was away. Lying, Cheating, and Stealing your way to title wins. Beating the hell out of those who got in your way. Talking down to these fans. Eliminating your enemies. And worst of all, physically and sexually abusing a 20-something female for one week!

 

::The crowd boos loudly while PRL smiles evilly. Lindsay shows Cappa the hair she still has from Lauren. PRL smells her hair and smiles sadistically while saying “I did it and I’m proud of it.”::

 

The Mad Cappa (Continuing):

And when I came back, you seem to have gotten worst. You became the North American Champion and seem to be more evil. You added new cronies to your Lightning Crew who attacked anyone and everyone who got in your way. You took these poor guys off the street and embarrassed them in the middle of the ring. And you continue to act cocky and arrogant and evil as ever.

 

::More boos. PRL has a surprised look on his face as if to say “Really?” in a sarcastic tone. He looks at Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez who also has a shock look on her face.::

 

Cappa:

Well, Gatalamala! I have had enough!

 

::The crowd pops.::

 

Cappa:

I am sick and tire of watching you walk around like you own this place. YOU are the real coward, PRL. YOU keep running away from me. YOU keep sacrificing your so-called “friends” to me. YOU were the one who refused to accept my challenges. YOU, Puerto Rican Lightning, are an egotistical, cowardly, self-centered, evil, manipulative, hypocritical, disgusting, vile son-of-a-bitch!

 

::The crowd yells “YEAH!” They begin chanting “Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa!” Puerto Rican Lightning looks unharmed with a faux “I’m hurt” look on his face.::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Get to the point, Cappa. We ain’t got all day. You’re wasting more time bitching and moaning here then you did doing your stupid little “Street Corner” Talk Show. HAHAAHAHAHAAHHAAAA!!!!

 

::The crowd boos loudly. Cappa chuckles a bit.::

 

Cappa:

Heh, that was cute. That was cute, I admit it. That whole Street Corner joke. Ha. Ha. You know, PRL. You talk the talk, but you can’t walk the walk. You see, Lightning, if you were as man enough as you claim you were, you wouldn’t have to talk that much and waste everyone’s time every week.

 

::The crowd laughs. PRL looks a bit embarrassed.::

 

Cappa (Continuing):

No, you see, you would do what a REAL wrestler does. You would just be kicking ass every single week. But you don’t. You know why? Because, Puerto Rican Lightning, you are just a sad, pathetic, excuse for a man. You are jealous of me. Of my talent. Of my popularity. Of the women I get. Face it, you want to BE me. That’s why you take my leg drop. That’s why you do the BUST A CAP. That’s why you call all these moves Cappa this and Cappa that. You want to BE The Mad Cappa.

 

PRL:

Why the hell would I want to be some no good, no talented, bad dancing, scum bag?

 

Cappa:

PRL, if you are such a tough guy, prove it. Put your money where your mouth is. Tonight, in front of all these people, I am challenging you for a match for the OaOasT North American Championship at Bloody, Battered, and Beaten.

 

::The crowd EXPLODES again. The fans buzz with anticipation with PRL’s answer. The Mad Cappa stares coldly as PRL who paces around the ring nervously. He discusses it with Lindsay who has a look of fear on her face. She keeps shaking her head. PRL hesitates, but finally begins to speak.::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

You? Want a title shot against me? Well, I got one thing to say: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH

AHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

 

::PRL laughs and jumps around the ring. Lindsay laughs with him. He becomes teary-eyed and begins to laugh again. The crowd boos loudly knowing PRL’s answer. Cappa grunts and sneers at Lightning.::

 

Puerto Rican (still laughing):

Oh man. Oh man. That was a good one. That was great, Cappa. That was just awesome. Great joke. YOU. Challenge ME? For the North American Championship? Oy. HA! That will be the day. Well, let me just bring you back into reality, homie, since I think the 10 chairshots I gave to your skull damaged your brain a bit. You DO NOT DESERVE A TITLE SHOT! You may not know this, but me and Dan Black are pretty tight. There’s a reason he dissolved the mandatory NA Title defense once I became Champion. HE, unlike these folks and you, KNOWS that I am the BEST! That I am the GREATEST! That I am the BEST DAMN OAOAST NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION WHO EVER LIVE!!! I AM THE LONGEST REIGNING NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION IN OAOAST HISTORY!!!! I ONLY COMPETE AGAINST THE BEST! THE ELITE! THE GREATEST! AND YOU, CRAPPA, ARE ONE OF THE ABOVE! YOU CAPPA, ARE JUST A LOSER. YOU ALWAYS WERE AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE! I AM INVINCIBLE. I AM UNSTOPPABLE! I WILL BE THE NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION FOREVER! AND THERE IS NOONE WHO CAN STOP ME! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

 

Stephen Joseph (from the back):

EXCEPT ME, ESSE!

 

::The crowd pops loudly as from the back, enters Stephen Joseph with no music. The crowd chants “Stephen! Stephen! Stephen!” Joseph comes out and stands side by side with The Mad Cappa. He has a smile on his face, which concerns PRL who stands on the ropes wondering why Joseph is out there.::

 

Stephen Joseph:

Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo. Now, is it just me, or did I just hear Puerto Rican Lightning say that no one can stop him? Well, homes let me bring YOU back into reality, homie. For you see, even though Dan Black is the General Manager of IntenseZone, and even though I refuse to live the corporate lifestyle, I still AM part of OaOasT Corporate, and therefore have the power to do whatever I so please. Except, I am not like Mr. Black. You see, I do things for YOU, the PEOPLE!

 

::The crowd cheers for the remarks. Joseph continues.::

 

Joseph:

And it seems to me, that these fans want to see Puerto Rican Lightning and The Mad Cappa take each other on, one-on-one in the ring, for the North American Championship, the belt I MADE FAMOUS Thank You Very Much.

 

::PRL has a “What the hell?” look on his face. The fans cheer. A sign in the crowd says “HEY MR. BLACK! WE WANT PRL VS. THE MAD CAPPA!”::

 

Stephen Joseph:

Now, PRL, I have been checking the OaOasT records and according to tha books, esse, you last defended the OaOasT North American Championship against an OaOasT wrestler under contract on October 26, 2003 at World Without End against Blurricane. Since then, you have defended this prestigious belt several times against people you LITERALLY got off the street. People who were NOT under an OaOasT contract. People who weren’t even wrestlers. People who you KNEW would make YOU look good and therefore allow you to keep the belt. And thanks to Dan Black, you don’t have to defend the belt every week. And whenever you could have faced someone who could actually give you a run for the belt, you would turn down the challenge saying you would defend it some other time.

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

I admit it. I DID ALL OF THAT! I ADMIT IT! NOW WHY ARE YOU HERE?

 

Joseph:

Well, homie, I am here to let you know that you are in violation of OaOasT rules. You see, according to the OaOasT Rulebook, a rulebook that actually EXISTS mind you: “If a wrestler does not defend his/her OaOasT Title within a 30 day time period, then he/she will be stripped of his/her OaOasT Title.”

 

::The crowd cheers loudly. Puerto Rican Lightning gulps and begins to cry knowing that he violated OaOasT rules. He looks at the North American Title belt and holds onto it like a baby. Lindsay starts saying stuff to Stephen Joseph in Spanish. PRL gulps once again. Stephen Joseph has a sly smile on his face as he continues.::

 

Stephen Joseph:

And according to my watch, today is December 23, 2003. Nearly 2 MONTHS since you last defended the belt. Now, I SHOULD do the right thing and strip you of the OaOasT North American Title.

 

::Crowd pops. PRL screams “NO! NO! NO!”::

 

Stephen Joseph (Continuing):

BUT! I won't since I am such a nice guy. Plus, the words PRL and strip should NOT be in the same sentence. Now, Lindsay and Strip. They go together REAL well.

 

::Lindsay blushes.::

 

PRL:

DON'T TALK ABOUT MY WOMAN THAT WAY!!!

 

Stephen Joseph:

Like you are the master of ettiquette when it comes to females. Let me tell you somethin', son. Since, I am such a nice guy, and since I want these fans to get the absolute BEST out of OaOasT IntenseZone, I will be giving you a chance to defend that belt against a worthy opponent.

 

::The crowd starts screaming. PRL groans as he knows who this opponent is.::

 

Stephen Joseph (turning to Mad Cappa):

Mad Cappa. You are a courageous young man. You coming back from a crushed larynx and broken bones after 3 months was inspirational and made me proud to have you apart of IntenseZone. You have shown determination since you have returned, defeating such superstars as Dangerous A, Bizarro Blurricane, and have gone toe to toe with Axel, “Shooter” Jay Darring, Blurricane, and becoming a fan favorite in the process. You have been in the OaOasT for 10 months, yet you haven’t received a shot at any OaOasT Title. Well, you have paid your dues and, son, you DESERVED a shot at the OaOasT North American Title. So, how about it, G? At Bloody, Battered, and Beaten, how would you like to receive a shot at the OaOasT North American Championship AND kick Puerto Rican Lightning’s Puerto Rican ass at the same time!?

 

::The crowd cheers. Cappa looks at them with a smile on his face. The crowd seems to know his answer.::

 

The Mad Cappa:

Mr. Joseph, it would be an honor to kick Puerto Rican Lightning’s ass and win the OaOasT North American Title in the process!

 

Stephen Joseph:

Please, call me Stephen. I ain’t down with that corporate crap.

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! THIS IS NOT FAIR! I DO NOT DESERVE THIS! I AM THE NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION! I AM A PUERTO RICO LEDGEND I DO NOT DESERVE THIS!!! I WANT RESPECT!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!! STEPHEN JOSEPH, YOU ARE ABUSING YOUR POWER!!! YOU ARE POWER-HUNGRY!!! YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO DO THIS!!! YOU ARE JUST PISSED THAT THE LIGHTNING CREW KICKED YOUR ASS THIS WEEK!!! YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!!! YOU ARE A POWER ABUSER!!!

 

::Stephen Joseph sighs.::

 

Stephen Joseph:

Ah, poor, naive PRL. You forget. I am CORPORATE! I have the power to do so. I am not abusing my power, just giving the fans what they DESERVE to see. And THESE FANS want to see The Mad CAPPA kick YOUR ASS AT BLOODY, BATTERED, AND BEATEN!

 

::Fans pop.::

 

Joseph:

Oh, and one more thing, G. If, by any chance, you refuse to compete at Bloody, Battered, and Beaten for any reason other than a serious, legitimate injury, as punishment for your refusal to defend the title, and more importantly, for all the evil you’ve done this year INCLUDING your horrible mistreatment of Ms. Lauren Gellar, I will BAR YOU FROM THE OAOAST 4-LIFE!

 

::The crowd explodes. Cappa cheers and slaps hands with Stephen Joseph. Stephen stands in the aisle with a confident look on his face. The crowd begins chanting “P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS!” PRL tells the crowd to shut up! When that doesn’t work, PRL covers his ears and tries to drown out the noise. When that doesn’t work, he slaps his forehead 4 times. When that doesn’t work, he hugs Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez who comforts him. Ms. Lindsay sneers at Cappa and yells at him. Cappa grabs the microphone calming the crowd down.::

 

The Mad Cappa:

Puerto Rican Lightning. December 28, 2003. OaOasT Bloody, Battered, And Beaten. OaOasT North American Championship Match. You will get your comeuppance! Don’t ask, just accept it! Because come December 28, I will not only cripple YOU, BUT, become OaOasT North American Champion in the process! So PRL, watch out for the lightning strikes, because at Bloody, Battered, and Beaten, you will suffer a MAD CAPPA Nightmare!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

 

::”Let Me Clear My Throat (Old School Mix)” by DJ Kool starts to play again. The crowd starts dancing and chanting “Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa! Mad Cap-pa!” Cappa hugs Stephen Joseph. Cappa tries to get Joseph to dance, but he refuses. Cappa slaps the hands of the fans while Puerto Rican Lightning jumps up and down and whines about his match with Cappa coming up at BBB. He talks it over with Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez, who is also worried. Cappa walks through the crowd, slapping hands with the fans. Joseph stares at PRL, who stares back, then leaves. PRL mouths “Son of a bitch.” Then continues whining. Cappa raises his hands in the air in the crowd and stares back at PRL. He exits through the crowd as does Joseph while PRL and Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez stay in the ring complaining. The crowd is still cheering as “Let Me Clear My Throat (Old School Mix)” by DJ Kool plays on the P.A. System. PRL whines some more then exits the ring.::

 

COMMERCIALS

Edited December 23, 2003 by Mystery Eskimo

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

JR

BAH GAWD, PRL vs Mad Cappa! At last, these two will meet! Also this Sunday, at Bloody, Battered and Beaten, Dan Black faces Spider Poet inside a steel cage for the new Adrenalin Title. But let's go back to September 3rd on IZ, where Dan first came out from under the mask of Mystery Eskimo, and shocked the world of professional wrestling. Calvin Szechstein, just days after becoming World Champion, was in the ring. Eskimo had just turned on the fans with a vicious assault on an innocent woman. Let's see what happened next...

 

Cue: "Too Cold"

 

JR

BAH GAWD! What the hell is he doing out here?

 

Mystery Eskimo strides down to the ring, stopping Calvin from leaving with one held up hand. Calvin pauses between the ropes, shrugs, and steps back in.

 

JR

Eskimo is laying down a challenge for the world title? He's going to do it for IntenseZone! That guy earlier must have been another of Jailbaits tricks- an imposter in an Eskimo mask!

 

Eskimo slides into the ring as his music cuts. He stares at Calvin.

And pics up a mic.

 

ESKIMO

Mr. Szechstein...you come out here, telling everyone how damn good you are?

 

Calvin just smirks and nods.

 

ESKIMO

Well things are going to be different around here from now on...starting with....

 

Eskimo lunges forward-

 

JR

YES! KICK HIS ASS ESKIMO!

 

- And grabs Calvin's hand into a warm shake.

 

JR

NO! YOU BASTARD!

 

Eskimo releases Calvin's hand, and steps back.

 

ESKIMO

I'd like to welcome Calvin officially to IntenseZone....in my position as the NEW General Manager!

 

JR

WHAT?

 

JESSE

Banky's gone, Jim Ross, and Eskimo's in!

 

JR

But how could the board sanction that after what Eskimo did to Clarissa?

 

The crowd BOOS!

 

ESKIMO

In case you're all wondering...after Banky's little temper tantrum earlier, the board were frantic. No one was here. No one could help. Then I came along.

 

BOOS!

 

ESKIMO

I've been here in the OAOAST a long time....the board respect me...trust me...enough to give me an unbreakable contract!

 

JR

BAH GAWD! THIS MAN HAS TOTALLY CHANGED!

 

ESKIMO

Oh, and one more thing...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eskimo grabs his face, taking his mask in his hand....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and pulls it off!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JR

BAH GAWD!

 

The crowd buzzes with confusion and excitement as Eskimo throws the mask to the floor!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The camera zooms in on his face- sharp cheekbones, dark hair, piercing grey eyes, a thin scar running down the left side of his jaw. Clearly, not an Inuit.

 

JR

MAH GAWD! Eskimo just unmasked!

 

ESKIMO

I've been under this THING long enough...playing the fool...pretending to be some kind of damn freak, for your amusement! You think I wanted this crappy gimmick? You think I came to the OAOAST and begged to be teamed up with a damn talking fish!

 

JESSE

Hey, there's no need to bring Derek into this!

 

ESKIMO(having to shout to make himself heard above the boos):

FUCK YOU ALL! MY NAME IS DAN BLACK...THIS IS MY HOUSE....AND I'M NOT GOING TO BE A JOKE ANY LONGER!

 

JR

MAH GAWD, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY THIS MAN TURNED HIS BACK ON THE FANS!

 

BLACK

In a tribute to that damn identity....just call me "Ice heart".....

 

JR

Dan, why are you doing this, for the love of GAWD!

 

JESSE

You know the man, you should have expected this! He's clearly been badly treated!

 

BLACK

Jim Ross- you gave me this gimmick. And I took it, I went out, and busted my ass for you all. Did you come to visit me in hospital, JR? Did you? No. But let me tell you- your wife did. Oh yeah, she's been "visiting" me for a long time now!

 

JR

WHAT? CUT THIS- I- DAMN HIM-

 

JESSE

Keep rolling, I like it!

 

BLACK

Bill Watts- I guess you wish you'd got your fat ass hear a little earlier tonight, you might have stopped me seeing the board. But let's face it, you respected me too, didn't you Billy Boy?

 

Black turns to the OAOAST World Champion

 

BLACK

Calvin- while you're here, expect only the best.

 

Calvin steps forwards, smiling, and hands an envelope to the man formerly known as Mystery Eskimo. Dan Black pockets it, and throws down the mic to a hail of boos.

 

Black and Calvin leave the ring, walking up the ramp...Black pauses, turns, and flips off the whole arena.

 

JR

FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD! LET'S END THIS THING! CUT! CUT!

 

JESSE

I-fzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Cut to static...

Edited December 23, 2003 by Mystery Eskimo

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

Scene: The office of Dan Black

 

Dan sits behind his expansive (and expensive) desk, watching a monitor, smirking. In front of the desk is Dangerous A.

 

BLACK

Ah, that was a great night. A great night for me, for IntenseZone, for wrestling. And you know what, DA?

 

DANGEROUS A

Well, actually I wanted-

 

BLACK

That's right. Next sunday will be a great night too, when I capture the Adrenalin Title from that baby kissing clown, Spider Poet.

 

DA

But tonight-

 

BLACK

Yes, tonight. A very special match. A Christmas Crunch match!

 

DA

Sounds more like a breakfast cereal.

 

BLACK

Shut up! It's going to be great!

 

DA

What is it?

 

BLACK

You'll see...you'll all see! Now, where's the IntenseZone Santa?

 

DA

Er...we have a Santa?

 

BLACK

Yeah!

 

DA

Who is it?

 

BLACK

Well, I thought about it long and hard. Who's big and fat and loud on IntenseZone? Well, Stephen Joseph isn't as trim as he used to be, thats for sure *sniggers*, but seeing as he's laid out injured for the foreseeable future, I had to get THIS man!

 

The door opens, and in walks JR, dressed in a Santa suit!

 

SANTA JR

Damn you to hell, Dan Black. This is going too far.

 

BLACK

Where's your Christmas spirit, Jim? You're going to be part of the Christmas Crunch match!

 

SANTA JR

Sounds like a breakfast-

 

BLACK

Quiet! Now, the object of this match is simple- pin Jim Ross and steal his sack!

 

SANTA JR

I beg your pardon?

 

Dan throws him a sack of presents.

 

BLACK

You'll be allowed breaks to commentate on matches, but otherwise you'll have to do the show from a remote microphone.

 

SANTA JR

What the hell is the point of this?

 

BLACK

You need some exercise. And the winner of the match gets to keep the presents- well, the present. In that sack is the inaugural Christmas Crunch trophy!

 

JR struggles to lift the sack.

 

SANTA JR

BAH GAWD, this is heavy.

 

BLACK

Dangerous A, wouldn't you like a nice trophy?

 

DA grins and nods.

 

BLACK

Get running Jim Bob! You have 60 seconds!

 

SANTA JR

BAH GAWD, this is almost as bad as calling Raw...

 

COMMERCIALS

Edited December 23, 2003 by Mystery Eskimo

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

Back from the break, we see JR, in his Santa gear, running down the corridor, sack in hand!

 

JR

BAH- *pant* BAH- *puff* GAWD! Next....next....*pant* a special...from the Vault segment...the main event...*puff* of Bloody, Battered, and Beaten.... 2002....Enjoy!

 

From the Vault

 

Last Man Standing

Big Poppa Popick vs. Tony The Body

 

"Ladies and Gentleman, the following contest is a Last

Man Standing match, with a time limit of sixty

minutes! Introducing first, not only the mind and

soul of the OaOasT, it's founding member and former

Executive Vice-President of Talent Relations, he is

the oldest active wrestler on today's roster, the man,

the myth, the legend of Tony the Body!"

 

::Simply Ravishing starts low and builds to a

crescendo as a blue and gold curtain of sparkles falls

down on the AngleTron stage. Tony the Body steps out

from behind the falling pyro to the roar of the

expectant crowd.::

 

JR: “Well, you know this has to be a special match for

it to go on after that exciting OaOasT Title match”

 

JESSE: “Certainly, and you know who I'm pulling for in

this match! I even gave the old codger some pointers

about that chump BPP before the match.”

 

JR: “Been reviewing some old tapes have we?”

 

JESSE: “Certainly! I want to see the best man win.”

 

JR: “Well, I'm going to have to disagree with you

there. BPP has been instrumental in reforming the

In-Crowd and keeping at least some law and order

around here.”

 

JESSE: “Quit with the verbal blowjobs JR. You're just

betting on a job. I'm betting on a man.”

 

"And now ladies and gentleman, introducing his

opponent, the former two-time, two-time, two-time

OaOasT North American Television Champion, the former

leader of the Deadly Alliance, current In-Crowd

member, your very own OaOasT commissioner. the

sweetness that is Big Poppa Popick!"

 

::Awww Naww plays as the arena darkens all around save

one spotlight on the AngleTron ramp. A shower of

white sparks flys up from the ramp floor, and BPP

enters clad in trenchcoat and hat to bathe in the

shower of light. All the fans stay on their feets and

chant for BPP has he makes his way down, a slight

smile returning to his lips for the first time in a

few months. Perhaps finally accepting Zack as a true

friend and partnering with him has had a profound

effect on the once sullen BPP, or maybe his newly

found religious revival is explanation enough.::

 

BPP meets Tony in the ring, both clad in their ring

gear. Walking toe to toe, they each take off their

gear slowly, allowing one very nervous referee time to

toss the clothes out of the ring and onto the floor.

 

JR: “BPP has the strangest look of peace right now,

much different from the seething rage Tony grimaces.”

 

JESSE: “I bet he's high on something.”

 

JR: “Well the fans seem to appreciate it!”

 

JESSE: “Shut up JR, can't you see they're about to go

at it!”

 

The bell rings, and a small counter starts running

down the time.

 

60:00

 

BPP and Tony walk out from their corners, like the

boxers of old. They meet face to face, nose to nose,

walking slowly around each other. All the fans hold

their breath, waiting for the events to explode.

 

Slowly, BPP takes one step back, and extends his

clenched hands, keeping to the feel of such a big

match. Tony looks around the arena, questioning

whether or not to accept BPP's gesture of competition.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Tony

touches his clenched fists to BPP, and then walks

backward into his corner. BPP does the same. Both

men collapse in their corners, staring.

 

58:00

 

BPP is the first up, and Tony follows his lead. They

circle, slowly, searching for an opening and sizing

each other up for any potential weaknesses. Tony

darts in for a quick jab which misses. BPP steps back

and throws a right, missing but not by much. Tony

tries to sneak a left in as BPP recoils, but BPP

crosses his left hand to dodge and grab Tony's left

wrist, pulling him back into a side hammerlock.

 

Tony grabs BPP's neck with his right hand and flips

forward, dumping BPP overhead. BPP lands on his feet

and goes for a a foot sweep, which Tony jumps over.

Coming down, Tony looks to hit BPP with a falling

right, but BPP rolls to miss, and kips up to monkey

toss Tony, who lands on his feet. They turn around to

the applause of the crowd, both men still yet having

to hit any blow on the other.

 

JR: “Good sound technical wrestling to start off. Not

what I expected.”

 

JESSE: “That's right, they've decided to feel each

other out for any potential weaknesses. It looks like

they're evenly matched.”

 

55:00

 

Both men start to circle again, and finally the fans

begin to relax into their seats. This contest looks

to be a long one. Tony and BPP meet in a collar/elbow

lock-up, battling for position circling along the ring

ropes, both avoiding the turnbuckle corners. BPP

finally pulls Tony into a turnbuckle, but steps back

as the ref demands a clean break.

 

They step back to the middle and lock-up again, BPP

reversing into a hammerlock yet again, Tony grabs out

and clasps one of his own, which BPP turns into a

fireman's carry into a headlock on the mat!

 

JR: “BPP gets the first offensive move in.”

 

JESSE: “It's not who's gets the first move but who gets

the last JR.”

 

Tony struggles to get out of the headlock. It looks

like BPP has it locked in pretty good, alot of weight

and pressure across the back. Tony gives up trying to

power out and just slides across to grab the ropes.

Once again, BPP lets go for a clean break.

 

JESSE: “I may not like him, but a good headlock is a

perfect move to wear out Tony's neck as a setup to

either BPP's deliverance or Fallen Angel as they both

focus on on the neck and lower back.”

 

JR: “Wow, thats the first time I actually agree with

you tonight.”

 

52:00

 

Tony clenches his neck as he gets up, realizing BPP has chosen that particular body spot to focus in on. He closes up his stance a bit, bouncing more off the knees and lowering his center of gravity. BPP remains circling around in his mixed martial arts/grappling style. The meet again, but Tony grabs a punch attempt by BPP and fires two quick rights into BPP's midsection before following it up with a knee to the stomach. BPP goes down to a three point stance to try and catch his breath, but Tony uses BPP's position to sidestep and pick him up, and take him down across the knee with a gutbuster.

 

JESSE: “Now that's old school right there. Simple but effective.”

 

Tony maintains his hold and pulls BPP up into an abdominal stretch, slapping it on in the middle of the ring. It's evident BPP is still tender in that area from recent chairshots, and no doubt there is still lingering injuries from the King of the Deathmatch from two months ago, making that area very tender.

 

JR: “Both BPP and Tony have come in here with a plan. BPP, knowing Tony's history, is targeting his neck, while Tony is going for the tender stomach of BPP.”

 

JESSE: “It's proof that both these wrestlers understand just what wrestling is all about, picking apart your opponents.”

 

In the meantime, Tony has kept BPP in the stretch by nailing several open palm shots to his stomach in an attempt to increase the pain. BPP makes attempts to bowl over, the first two end with Tony pulling BPP back up into the stretch. BPP bowls over a third time causing Tony to pull harder. BPP uses the momentum to float up and over, twisting into an inverted DDT that looked to hit at a sharp angle. Both men stay down on the mat.

 

JR: “BPP countered with a ddt to the neck and head of Tony. Both men are going to take advantage of this first break to size up each other.”

 

Sure enough, the referee administers an 8 count before both men get up in their corners.

 

JESSE: “They both couldve gotten up sooner, but like you said JR, this was a perfect opportunity for them to see how their strategies are going.”

 

JR: “I bet they're going to pull out the stops now, its already twelve minutes into the match.”

 

48:00

 

BPP and Tony come out of their corners, the crowd rising to their feet again. BPP charges and spears Tony, using his momentum to hit a twisting legdrop across Tony's neck. Tony rolls away and to the ropes, preventing any further attack, while BPP poses on the second rope to the delight of the crowd.

 

Tony takes advantage of BPP's cheeriness and strikes him from behind with forearms to the back, then grasping hold of BPP's torso and hitting him with a release german suplex. BPP lands on his stomach and groans in pain.

 

45:00

 

Tony rolls over and putts BPP into a stretch muffler for about 10 seconds, dropping him down whilst nailing an knee to the gut. Tony goes for a senton splash, but BPP pulls his knees up to prevent further damage. Tony feels the impact and rolls on his gut, pulling himself up on the ropes. He turns around and right into a superkick~! from BPP. Tony gets caught in the ropes ala Foley!

 

As Tony struggles for air, BPP runs the turnbuckle, twists around to face Tony, and jumps for a Harlem Hangover! Tony's body flips back into the ring and he flops into unconsciousness.

 

JR: “We've got our first solo count of the evening.”

 

JESSE: “Get up Tony! Shake it off!”

 

Tony stirs around 6, and gets up at 9. Tony turns to stare at BPP, who actually was getting boos for his actions when Tony obviously was in serious trouble. Tony charges and dropkicks BPP's knee, following the momentum with a heel kick to BPP's head, which misses and Tony winds up pulled up into a wheelbarrow bomb! BPP collapses on his hurt knee though, and both men work their way back to their feet, this time hurt in different areas.

 

41:00

 

BPP shakes his leg a few times as Tony hunkers back down into a low-center fighting stance. They meet back up and lock-in, Tony using the fact that he has two good legs to his advantage, backing BPP into a turnbuckle. The ref calls for a clean break, but instead Tony irish whips BPP into the far turnbuckle, running behind for a hard running knee strike.

 

JR: “Tony's back to targeting BPP's stomach”

 

JESSE: “Think we'll find out what BPP had for lunch?”

 

Tony hops to the second rope on the turnbuckle and grabs BPP into a Dragon sleeper. Rather though than hold that in, Tony jumps off to a Diamond Dust! BPP flops around selling the injury, rolling to the outside to take a breather. Tony follows and hits a clubbing fist to BPP's back, and then with some shots to the kidneys, BPP drops to one knee. Tony the straight kicks the back of BPP's head, bowling him over clutching that area with both hands. As he rolls around, Tony leaps to the ring apron, and comes running off with a Savage elbow right to BPP's stomach! Tony recovers and picks BPP up by his hair, rolling him into the ring, demanding the referee counts

 

BPP pulls himself up by the ropes after a five count. Tony walks over to grab BPP from behind, but BPP's uncanny sixth sense kicks in with a round-house enziguri as Tony nears! With Tony stunned, BPP locks in for a back suplex, high angle style! Tony's dropped on his neck once again!

 

37:00

 

JR: “Simple but effective, holding someone like that does serious damage.”

 

JESSE: “BPP's trying to make it so Tony just gives up from the pain.”

 

JR: “Sounds like someone's approving of his gameplan.”

 

JESSE: “It's sound, but its going to take alot more to get Tony to quit!”

 

The referee administers a count until Tony is able to make it back up, clutching his neck trying to rub some feeling back into it. BPP pushes Tony to the ropes, then the song of "Whoo!" clearly sounds across the arena as BPP chops the upper chest of Tony. BPP goes to whip Tony, but Tony holds on and comes back with a knee to the gut. Quickly, Tony pulls BPP into a suplex, and drops him over the top rope! BPP gets flipped back in, and before he can recover in any way, Tony mounts him for a 5 count of punches to the midsection and kidneys.

 

JESSE: “There ya go Tony!”

 

34:00

 

Tony props BPP up on the ropes and dashes to the far end, running back for a spear to BPP's stomach! BPP staggers forward and Tony responds by hitting a faceplant. BPP rolls over and his hurt stomach is exposed. Tony looks to the crowd and hops onto the closest turnbuckle. FIVE-STAR ALF SPLASH!!! No! BPP kips-up and hits a spinning heel kick to Tony's head. Both men are down!

 

JESSE: “Tony went for it all there.”

 

JR: “But BPP countered and what a move! Even his counters are hitting Tony's neck!”

 

JESSE: “Can either man answer the 10 count?”

 

Jesse's question is answered as both men regain a vertical base at an 8 count. BPP is the better of the two, and immediately grabs Tony in a facing full nelson choke

 

JR: “Looks like BPP is going for his Synchronicity Bomb.”

 

BPP picks Tony up, but there's a struggle at the top as Tony vices BPP's stomach with his legs. BPP drops Tony down, and Tony picks BPP up. OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE!

 

JESSE: “That's it!”

 

BPP lies down and fallen as Tony collapses to the ropes. We get another count, this time it hits eight before BPP pulls himself up

 

JR: “That might have done it, but Tony has been concentrating on BPP's stomach, not his back. Perhaps a better game-plan would have been in order.”

 

30:00

 

Tony realizes why his finisher didn't work, and we see him fussing around the ring. BPP drops back down, selling his bad knee from earlier, but as Tony gets close, BPP leg sweeps Tony and in the same motion, grabs Tony's right arm and puts on a Crossface right in the middle of the ring!

 

JR: “That Crossface really works on the neck!”

 

JESSE: “I have to admit this, BPP has come in with a great game-plan, totally wearing Tony's neck out, which works for both of his finishers.”

 

JR: “Can Tony adapt his to target the stomach?”

 

JESSE: “I guess we'll find that out.”

 

It seems like an eternity, but was only about 2 minutes. BPP finally breaks the crossface on Tony, handstanding into a legdrop onto Tony's neck. BPP decides this isn't enough, and pulls Tony up, once again holding Tony with a facing Full-Nelson. This time he connects...Synchronicity Bomb!

 

JR: “BPP didn't get as much of that as he wanted. His back is hurting from the spinebuster.”

 

JESSE: “That was Tony's plan! Ha! BPP has to have a strong back to pull off his moves. Tony's Out of Body Experience has weakened that! What strategy.”

 

JR: “You may have a point there.”

 

JESSE: “I always have a point.”

 

Tony gets to his feet at 8, and we see a smile crack across his face. BPP scowls and pushes Tony down to the second rope, head draped across the ring-rope. BPP with a running leg splash on Tony's back. But BPP drops down, holding his knee in pain. Both men take a five count to get back up

 

25:00

 

Both men seem weary to attack at this stage, the toll of the long match beginning to wear down the endurance both men have gained in training. They circle each other again, BPP this time dancing in and out, his youth an obvious advantage now. Tony is squared up, moving slowly but with calculated purpose.

 

BPP connects with a soft kick to the shin and slightly harder kick to Tony's gut. Small and quick twisting ddt, but Tony slips out at the last minute, back-rolling and catching a suprised BPP with a kick to his back. BPP is stunned, and Tony picks BPP up into a bearhug!

 

JR: “The move may be boring, but in this match, its a great move for Tony to lock-in.”

 

JESSE: “It hurts BPP's back, ribs, and stomach.”

 

BPP slowly begins to fade after about a minute of being in the hold. Tony then drops BPP down, and then picks him up and hits him with a second Out Of Body Experience!

 

BPP is left crumpled at that attack. The referee begins to count to 10. At three, BPP stirs, his head hitting the bottom rope. At 5 BPP begins to slide his feet to the ring apron. At 7, he slips under the rope. At 9, he drops off the ring apron and stands up, supported by the ring.

 

JR: “BPP used the ring to make the 10 count.”

 

JESSE: “Dammit! If only he had been farther from the ropes.”

 

Tony charges with a baseball slide kick, which BPP barely sidesteps. Tony slides out of the ring and into BPP's right palm. In desperation, BPP pounds Tony's head against the ring apron repeatedly. The ref demands the action be brought back into the ring, and BPP rolls Tony in, following in afterwards.

 

20:00

 

::Twenty minutes left in this match, Twenty minutes::

 

Tony groggily stands up, and BPP sends several throat thrusts his way. Tony's throat turns red. Faster than anyone thought possible, BPP twists across Tony's chest and shoulders...modified stunner!

 

JR: “Perhaps that's a prelude to BPP's Deliverance?”

 

JESSE: “Whatever it’s named this week.”

 

Tony sells like a drunken Scott Hall. BPP hits rights to send Tony back into the turnbuckle, pulling him up to a sitting position on the top rope. BPP scales as the crowd rises to its feet. Top Rope Tiger Driver!

 

::Crowd chants "Holy shit"::

 

JR: “Now there's a move that's old school BPP.”

 

JESSE: “Tony's too near the ropes those. He'll use those.”

 

Sure enough, Tony uses the ropes to pull himself up after taking full advantage of the 10 count, getting on his feet at nine. The crowd meets him with applause.

 

15:00

 

::Fifteen minutes left in this match, Fifteen minutes::

 

BPP charges into Tony, beginning to abandon the methodical pace of the match thus far. Snap Suplex, and then another one to Tony, finishing the sequence with a stalling high angle suplex. BPP wastes no time with this flurry of offense. picking Tony up and striking with a European Uppercut.

 

JR: “BPP is going for it all here.”

 

With a whip to the ropes, BPP goes for a running knee lift, but Tony still has wind left in him too, and he counters with a modified version of a dragon screw leg whip on BPP's bad leg! BPP hobbles around the ring, but Tony catches him with a belly to belly throw!

 

JESSE: “Wow, now that had some impact.”

 

Near the ropes, Tony turns BPP into what looks like another German. BPP breaks the hold and moves around, locking in his own and throws Tony over the top rope...but Tony catches the bottom rope with his hands with legs trapping BPP's arms!

 

JR: “What the? Did Tony spend time in Japan, That's a modified Tarantula! Shades of Tajiri!”

 

JESSE: “HA! I taught him that one!”

 

JR: “I’m sure you did.”

 

Tony breaks the back-killing hold before the ref can administer a 5-count. BPP falls back down, panting, and Tony lands on his feet outside the ring. He ducks under the ring while the ref checks on BPP, starting a 10 count.

 

JR: “What's Tony going for?”

 

Tony pulls out a steel chair!

 

10:00

 

::Ten minutes are left in this match, ten minutes::

 

Tony slides in with the chair while BPP starts to raise himself at 6. Tony unflattens the steel chair and sits it in the ring, and grabs BPP from behind as he gets up. RELEASE OVERHEAD GERMAN SUPLEX onto the Steel Chair! The chair flattens with the impact as the crowd boos the actions of Tony, the match being kept clean up until this point.

 

JESSE: “Why are they booing? The man is pulling out all the stops to keep his job! BPP would do the same.”

 

JR: “But BPP hasn't Jesse. That's the point.”

 

The referee notices the chair and admonishes Tony rather than apply a ten count. Finally the referee starts, and the crowd awaits with hushed silence.

 

BPP uses the steel chair as a prop to help himself up. His mouth bleeds from what looks like internal injuries. Tony, as well as everyone else, is amazed to see BPP stand upright right before the 10.

 

BPP spits out some blood as Tony charges. BPP sidesteps and dodes, using the steel chair to nail Tony in the back of the head! The referee comes over to stop BPP, but BPP pushes him down!

 

JR: “Now BPP is losing it.”

 

JESSE: “This is sick.”

 

BPP has placed the chair in a Pillmanizer Position, on Tony's head. BPP scales the top turnbuckle and everyone in the arena is on their feet.

 

5:00

 

::Five minutes are left in this match, five minutes::

 

FIVE STAR ALF SPLASH TO THE CHAIR! BPP splashes with all his might and crashes down on Tony. Both men lie prone and out

 

JR: “Both men injured themselves right there.”

 

JESSE: “BPP's ribs and stomach have been worked on all match, and he just sacrificed his midsection to severely injure Tony's neck.”

 

Both men lie there for minutes as the crowd stands in a hushed silence. They both begin to stir as the referee finally comes to and removes the chair from ringside

 

JR: “About damn time.”

 

Tony has been cut wide open on his forehead from the Five Star Pillmanizer. BPP is bleeding from his mouth. Both men begin to stand up with the help of the ropes

 

::2 minutes left in this match, 2 minutes::

 

BPP kicks Tony over to the turnbuckle. and places him sitting on the top.

 

JR: “Could BPP be going for another Super Tiger?”

 

JESSE: “That would end it.”

 

BPP then stands Tony up with himself perched on the top rope. Slowly Tony is lifted into a hanging suplex

 

JR: “He's going for a top-rope Fallen Angel!”

 

JESSE: “He'll have to twist a lot to hit that!”

 

Tony starts to wriggle as BPP doesn't have the strength to pull him down. Tony falls back to a standing position on the turnbuckle

 

::1 minute left in the match, 1 minute::

 

Both men weakened, Tony places one hand on BPP's back and another on his chest. He pushes off and leaps

 

JESSE: “TOP ROPE OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE! YES!”

 

JR: “WAIT! BPP COUNTERED into an X-FACTOR!”

 

::Crowd chants "Holy Shit!"::

 

The referee begins counting to 10, and the crowd counts along. BPP rolls over onto his face, trying to pull himself up push-up style. Tony is just out of it, blood streaming down his face,

 

At nine, a bell rings.

 

::This match has reached its time-limit::

 

Officials pour down ringside, chief among them Bill Watts. The confer at ringside while Tony and BPP come to a lying face to face in the ring.

 

::Crowd Alternates chants of Tony! and BPP!::

 

::We overhear the officials talking about who got the last offensive move in::

 

JR: “BPP countered it into an X-Factor, he should be the winner!”

 

JESSE: “That was a counter, Tony couldn't hold him because he was tired. Tony got in his finisher from the top rope. He’s won dammit!”

 

In the ring, both men are finally standing, blood streaming down Tony's head and BPP's mouth. The two stare directly at each other. From the back , Zack Malibu joins the officials.

 

BPP and Tony look at each other as Zack then slides in the ring, seemingly to separate the two. Instead, BPP extends a weary hand to Tony, who takes it just as weakly. Then, with everyone watching, the two men hug, tears mixing with blood and sweat.

 

JR: “I think they just buried the hatchet here folks! We're getting word that this match is being declared a draw. Both men retain their respective roles.”

 

JESSE: I don’t like this at all. Tony had this match won. But my hat’s off to both of those men. They gave it their all, and as much as I don’t like it, that’s probably the right decision.”

 

Zack joins in the group hug, and we go off the air with all three men raising each other hands.

 

JR: “Maybe finally, now, we can begin to stand up to the aWo. Merry Christmas everyone. This is a great present for the New Year!”

 

JESSE: “Keep this moment in your hearts. Two men, sixty minutes, all for competition. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!”

 

COMMERCIALS

Edited December 23, 2003 by Mystery Eskimo

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

We come back to JR, slumped against a wall, panting.

 

JR

Well fans...that was one of the OAOAST's most... memorable matches...and this year's BBB will be just as....memor- ARGH!

 

JR jumps up as Plushy Al Logan appears, brandishing a bottle of baby oil! JR shrieks with fright and runs down a side corridor.

 

JR

Let's....go somewhere else! Quick!

 

(Backstage Robert Edwards and Judas are sitting in a locker room.)

 

JUDAS

I know that you’re the one taking out all the Blurri-Rangers. You won’t get away with this.

 

ROBERT

And what are you going to do about it?? You can’t do a thing and you can’t prove it was me.

 

JUDAS

One of these days you’ll get what’s coming to you.

 

ROBERT

You’re right…I’m going to get power and money. It’s all coming to me! Now as for you…what’s coming to you is a match at the PPV.

 

JUDAS

What???

 

ROBERT

You must prove to me that you’re really with us. So you’ll be facing The Blurricane at the PPV! You must face him or you will get nothing of what we promised and all that we’ve threatened.

 

JUDAS

Fine…

 

ROBERT

Good.

 

(Fade Out)

Edited December 24, 2003 by Mystery Eskimo

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

::The camera cuts to the Lightning Crew dressing room. The crowd boos the moment Puerto Rican Lightning is shown. PRL is lying in his dressing room with a look of fear on his face. Chants of “P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS!” are heard. Tha Puerto Rican cuddles a pillow as if it was a baby while the rest of the Lightning Crew look at him. There is a Christmas tree in the room with Christmas decorations all over. Presents are lying around with Colombian Heat checking one of them. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez, who is wearing a Santa Claus hat and a tight sexy black dress with black heels and a gold chair around her right arm, sits right next to Lightning and rolls her fingers through his long hair.::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Cappa is going to kill me. Cappa is going to kill me. Cappa is going to kill me. Cappa is going to kill me. Cappa is going to kill me. Cappa is going to kill me. Cappa is going to kill me. Cappa is going to kill me.

 

Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez:

It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. This Sunday, you WILL defeat The Mad Cappa and you will walk out of the arena, still the OaOasT North American Champion.

 

Vitamin X:

Don’t worry boss. Don’t be afraid. The Mad Cappa is not in your league. You can kick his ass with one arm tied behind your back. I believe in you boss.

 

Thomas Rodriguez:

Ain’t no sweat, boss. You are the greatest. You are the best wrestler who ever lived and the longest reigning NA Champion in OaOasT history. You can do it. You’ve defeated “Shooter” Jay Darring. You’ve defeated The Blurricane. You’ve defeated The Mad Cappa before. You can do it again, boss. I believe in you.

 

Cuban Wall:

Boss, there ain’t no one, and I mean NO ONE who is in your league, P.R. Cappa is just an imitator, a wannabe, a pathetic loser. YOU are the real deal. YOU are the man. YOU are the best. YOU are the real People’s Champion. You are Tha Puerto Rican. You are the best. Cappa has no chance in hell of defeating you this Sunday at Bloody, Battered, and Beaten. You will send Cappa packing once again. You will end his career this Sunday. He talks about you getting yours. This Sunday, he will be getting his.

 

Mr. Boricua:

You…Puerto Rican…. best wrestler. Ever. You rule. Cappa. Not. In. League. Cappa. Not PRL. Cappa. Loser. PRL. Good. Cappa…jerk. PRL….friend. PRL. Best Champion ever. Cappa will lose on Sunday. Mr. Boricua believes in you. PRL will beat The Mad Cappa. You rule. Boricua will let you do him if you want. That’s how much Mr. Boricua loves you.

 

Colombian Heat:

Is it possible to burn a CD without a CD Burner?

 

::The crowd laughs. Cuban Wall groans and shakes his head.::

 

Cuban Wall:

What does that have to do with anything?

 

Colombian Heat:

I was just wondering if I don’t receive a CD Burner for Christmas this year.

 

Cuban Wall:

Shouldn’t you be concentrating on something more important, like say, making your best friend happy?

 

Colombian Heat:

I just was wondering if there was any other method to burning a CD other than a CD Burner.

 

Cuban Wall:

P.R., can I just knock out Colombian Heat? Just once? Just one punch. Come on, man! Give me one shot. Just one!

 

Colombian Heat:

Why you hatin’, man? We in this together, G! We Lightning Crew 4-Life, bro. We in this FO’ the Lightning, mang. Viva La Rassa~! And all that shit. We may not be tight like Eminem and 50 Cent, but we gots to be workin’ wit each other, if we want the Lightning Crew to survive and Puerto Rican Lightning to be king for a long time. We gots to anticipate-cooperate-obliterate-the-haterade-being-spouted-by-these-chickenheaded-pussy-foot-pussy-whipped-ain’t-that-a-bitch? We gots to annihilate the competition. We gots to stand together in the game of life and say, we’re not going to take this shit. We gots to say, “We’re the best.” And we gots to say “Watch out! If ya’ll f*** wit us, we are gonna kick Yo’ ass. Ya’ll better not f*** wit us, homies. Cuz we are the best, and the rest all suck, so let’s all jet and find a good woman to—

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

DON’T SAY IT!

 

Colombian Heat:

Okay. Okay.

 

Cuban Wall:

I hate you so much.

 

Colombian Heat:

Don’t be hatin’.

 

Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez:

Guys, guys. Remember what we are here for.

 

Colombian Heat:

I forget.

 

Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez (rolling her eyes; sighing):

(Quietly): You forget a lot, you idiot. (Loudly): We’re here because Christmas is coming up and to celebrate, we’re going to have a Lightning Crew Christmas Party! We got presents, we got music, we got decorations. And we’re doing this all to cheer up our loveable Puerto Rican Lightning. ::Lindsay kisses PRL:: Now, let’s get to it. P.R., get your mind off of The Mad Cappa for just one night. Tonight is a night of celebration. It’s Christmas time, cheer up. You may have to face Cappa this Sunday, but you still got time to party!

 

Colombian Heat:

Alright! We’re going to party like it’s…uh…what year is it?

 

Cuban Wall:

2003.

 

Colombian Heat:

Right! 2003! Whoo! Party down! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

 

::Colombian Heat puts the stereo on to hip-hop music. Wall begins to dance like an idiot while Cuban Wall looks on in disgust. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez starts bringing presents out from under the Christmas tree, while Vitamin X goes to get some beer. The rest of the Lightning Crew gather around and begin to open presents. Puerto Rican Lightning finally awakens from his trance and looks at the presents. At first, he is a little hesitant, but he begins opening up some presents.::

 

::Cut to backstage with Jim Ross.::

 

JR:

Well, the Lightning Crew sure are in the Christmas mood. It’s Christmas Eve and we got a great show ahead for you tonight. We will be checking back with the Lightning Crew throughout the night. It sure looks to be interesting. Fans, don’t go away. We will be right back with the special Christmas Eve edition of IntenseZone. Don’t go away!

 

JR looks both ways, and runs off down a corridor

 

COMMERCIALS

 

 

 

::Commercials::

Edited December 24, 2003 by Mystery Eskimo

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

We come back to see JR sneaking around a corner backstage. As he disappears from view, there's a sudden CRASH! The camera pans around the corner to see JR flat on his back, with none other than G Money standing over him!

 

MONEY

Lovely, a trophy for a Christmas present. I'll just get the 3 count-

 

Money drops onto JR, and counts it himself!

 

"One!"

 

"Two!"

 

Out of nowhere, JINGUS appears, and heaves Money off JR with a massive hand!

 

MONEY

Bloody hell, you monstrosity! Get your hands off me!

 

JINGUS

ROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

 

JINGUS grabs Money for a CLAWSLAM, but Money counters with the traditional offence to JINGUS off a KNEE TO THE GROIN! JINGUS collapses, groaning, but as Money turns, JR is nowhere to be seen!

 

MONEY

Slippery bugger. Now-

 

Money turns, straight into the chest of a rightened JINGUS. Money gulps.

 

We cut to JR, making his way outside to the parking lot.

 

JR

Fans, I figure if I stay in my truck for the rest of the night, I'll be safe! BAH GAWD, I'll get Dan Black for this...but now, we have another piece of footage from the past- this one is the very first IntenseZone match of 2003! And strangely enough, it features Mystery Eskimo, taking on the Superstar in a match that ended very strangely...

 

SUPERSTAR vs. MYSTERY ESKIMO

Special Guest Referee:OAOAST World Champion ANGLESAULT

 

"a...W...o" echoes through the arena, just before Aerosmith's "Dream On" begins to play. Clad in a red and white striped referee shirt, with a blue star in the middle, is the OAOAST World Champion Anglesault. AS makes his way down to the ring amidst many boos and heckles. AS stops to confront several ringside fans who aren't afraid to show their true feelings, then enters the ring.

 

"Ice Ice Baby" plays loud and clear, and one half of the former World Tag Team Champions, the one and only Mystery Eskimo, makes his way to the ring. Eskimo can not be happy with the way things went down as far as losing the World Tag Titles, and gives AS a glare as he enters the ring.

 

"Ice Ice Baby" fades out, and the thunderous sound of "Downfall" blares through the speakers, igniting a large pop from the crowd. Coming into view at the top of the ramp, and making his way to the ring, it's The Superstar! SS powerwalks down to the ring, stepping through the ropes and saluting the fans that he's once again won over. As the lights come back on, the camera focuses on Superstar and AS staring each other down. SS switches his attention to ME, and they begin to circle the ring as the bell rings.

 

Lockup, and SS grabs a headlock, and IMMEDIATELY AS starts examining the hold as if SS is doing something wrong. ME tries to counter with a back suplex, but SS holds on and shifts his weight so that he doesn't go. Anglesault comes over and shoves SS off of ME, then makes a "choking" gesture, and says "None of that!" SS looks increduously at AS, only to be schoolboyed by ME...AS with a FAST count...2 Count only! SS gets up, and takes over a charging ME with an arm drag. He dodges another charge by sidestepping ME and sending him into the ropes. SS tries for a hiptoss, but it's blocked by ME...counter by ME, as he tries one of his own...SS counters that by kicking ME in the gut and carrying him over with a butterfly suplex! As Eskimo gets up, SS jumps up on his shoulders, as if to take him down with a huracanrana, but Eskimo throws him back to the mat, only to have Superstar land on his feet...Eskimo takes him out of his boots with a stiff lariat! Stomps follow, as ME is taking it to the fallen Superstar, all to the approval of the official, Anglesault.

 

Eskimo stands Superstar up, and unleashes a chop that makes the whole arena shake. Superstar staggers back, and again takes a chop that everyone must have felt. Eskimo kicks SS, and quickly snaps him over with a snap suplex. Eskimo taunts SS a bit, then goes to pick him back up...SMALL PACKAGE BY SUPERSTAR...ANGLESAULT IS CHECKING HIS WATCH??!?!?! AS gets into position...1 count only!

 

JR:"Unbiased officiating my ass!"

Jesse:"He was checking the time, Ross. Common mistake?"

JR:"Right, just like the new aWo official, Angle-Won Olympics? I suppose he and Anglesault went to the same referee school, right?"

Jesse:"They have referee school?"

JR:"Ah, forget it."

 

Superstar is staggering Eskimo with punches, and as he goes for the final shot, Anglesault steps in front of him to block the shot for Mystery Eskimo! AS makes the "closed fist" gesture, and warns Superstar, who has got to be nearing the boiling point already. Superstar threatens to hit Anglesault, who smugly points to his chin and dares Superstar to hit him. SS instead runs past AS, charging ME who is leaning on the ropes...ME ducks, and SS gets backdropped over the top rope to the floor!

 

AS starts the count, and is counting rather quickly. As he gets to the count of 5 (in about 2 seconds "real time"), he notices Eskimo's partner, the monster JINGUS, heading down the aisle. Anglesault IMMEDIATELY turns to Eskimo and appears to be "occupied" with him, and decides to frisk him for weapons at that point! While AS is supposedly troubleshooting, JINGUS comes to ringside and picks Superstar up, bearhugging him and then ramming his lower back into the apron! Superstar yells in pain, only for JINGUS to repeat the move! With AS still not looking, JINGUS rolls Superstar into the ring, leaving him easy prey for Eskimo.

 

Eskimo goes for the cover on Superstar, and AS again slaps the mat as fast as humanly possible, but SS keeps his senses about him and sticks his foot up on the bottom rope. Eskimo stands up and starts stomping away at Superstar, kicking him out of the ring and to the floor, right in front of JINGUS again. JINGUS stares down at the fallen body of SS, and picks him up, then pulls him in and nails him with a short arm clothesline. JINGUS grabs Superstar and sets him up in powerbomb position, when Anglesault turns around and catches JINGUS in the act!

 

JR:"FINALLY! No AS has no reason not to disqualify Eskimo!"

 

Anglesault slides out of the ring, and calmy questions JINGUS' intentions. AS is heard saying "You want him that badly?", only to have the huge monster nod "yes". AS walks over to the timekeepers table, and takes the mic from the announcer.

 

AS:"In the interest of fairness, since JINGUS seems to want to be involved, I, as an upstanding official, am now declaring this to be a handicap match!"

 

JR:"WHAT?"

Jesse:"You can't be satisfied, can you Ross?"

 

JINGUS smiles a wicked smile, then picks Superstar back up, this time by the head. JINGUS wraps his huge hand around Superstar's forehead, and prepares for a CLAWSLAM on the floor, when all of a sudden...IT'S ZACK! ZACK MALIBU IS HERE!

 

Zack sprints down the ramp and LEAPS at JINGUS, his scheduled opponent for later on! Zack unloads a flurry of punches on the big man, but as he prepares to deliver the final blow, he turns and nails an oncoming Eskimo! Anglesault looks on in disgust, then rolls out under the bottom rope and storms back over to the announcer.

 

AS:"Malibu! You can't wait until later on to take on JINGUS, and you know what, he shouldn't have to do double duty just for your sorry ass anyhow! This is a tag match, starting NOW!"

 

JR:"Well I'll be, a good call, finally!"

 

What started as The Superstar vs. Mystery Eskimo has now evolved into a tag team contest, pitting the former World Tag Team Champions against the Leader of The In Crowd and his former stablemate! Superstar rolls Eskimo in, while a dazed JINGUS and a hyped up Zack Malibu take their spots on the apron.

 

Superstar has a headlock locked on Eskimo, then switches to a hammerlock and finally grabs Eskimo by both legs and takes him down to the mat face first. Superstar looks to grab an armbar, but Eskimo slips free, then he looks to try a Frostbite Facelock, but Superstar slips out. Superstar grabs the right leg of Eskimo and drags him more towards the center of the ring, but then Eskimo rolls onto his back and kicks Superstar away with his left leg. Eskimo uses his arm to sweep Superstar's legs out from under him, then he tries an elbow as SS lands, but SS rolls out of the way, then pops up and tries an elbow of his own, only to have Eskimo dodge that. Eskimo gets to his feet, and kicks Superstar in the side of the head as he's getting up. Eskimo goes for an Irish Whip, then puts his head down to set up for a back bodydrop...Superstar leapfrogs over him, then tries for a rollup...Anglesault is AGAIN slow in making the count...Eskimo kicks out, and as Superstar heads towards the ropes, JINGUS pulls down the top rope, causing Superstar to spill to the floor!

 

Anglesault goes over to Zack and starts mouthing at him for no reason, telling him not to dare go and get inolved while he's not legal. Of course, this is the perfect set-up for JINGUS and Eskimo to do some double-teaming, as JINGUS rams SS' head into the apron, leaving him prone to a baseball slide by Eskimo. JINGUS rolls Superstar back in, then takes him and starts choking him on the bottom ropes. Eskimo pulls Superstar away from the ropes and goes for a pin, convieniently just as AS turns away from Zack...2 COUNT ONLY! SUPERSTAR KICKS OUT!

 

Eskimo slaps the mat, frustrated that Superstar won't give in that easily. He pulls him up to his feet, and sets him up for the Blizzard Bomb...NO! Superstar elbows Eskimo to free himself, then kicks him in the gut...desperation DDT! Superstar and Eskimo both lay on the mat.

 

Eskimo starts sliding towards his corner, as SS is doing his best to make the tag to Zack. AS is keeping an eye on both guys...SUPERSTAR TAGS ZACK! Zack goes running for Eskimo, but Anglesault gets in the way! Zack tries shoving AS aside, but AS gets in his face about how he can DQ Zack...JINGUS gets tagged! He runs in with a big boot to Zack as Anglesault jaws with him, then pulls him up and wraps his hands around Zack's throat, choking him and forcing him back into the corner. As he releases the hold to slam a forearm down into Zack's chest, Zack ducks out of the way at the last second, leaving JINGUS to slam down on the top turnbuckle! JINGUS turns, right into a flurry of punches from Zack that leave him dazed in the corner, as Zack backs up...RUNNING KNEELIFT IN THE CORNER! JINGUS slumps down a bit, and Zack pulls him up, then tries for a Tornado DDT, only to get thrown off! Zack lands on his feet, and JINGUS moves towards him, not seeing Superstar perched on the turnbuckle behind him...MISSLE DROPKICK TO THE BACK OF JINGUS' HEAD...RIGHT INTO A MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER BY ZACK! Malibu goes for the cover, but rather than count, AS starts ushering Superstar out of the ring and chastising him! As they argue, Eskimo runs in and pulls Zack up off JINGUS and nails the Iceberg Drop, his very own version of Zack's POP Drop! JINGUS covers Zack, and Anglesault turns to make the count, only to have Superstar run back in and grab JINGUS' leg, breaking up the pinfall!

 

Anglesault and his rival Superstar start jawjacking, and it's only a matter of seconds before they come to blows. Just as tensions are about to boil over, AS gets nailed from behind by Zack, and bumps into Superstar! JINGUS had tried tossing Zack into the ropes, but AS stepped in the way! Zack falls back, as AS rolls under the bottom rope and to the floor, while SS lay dazed in the corner.

 

JINGUS grabs the weary Malibu, and prepares him for his finisher, The Clawslam. As JINGUS' signals for it, Zack tries to pry his hand free, but to no avail...but SS is getting up in the background...GHETTO BLASTER~! to JINGUS! The enzugiri kick dazes the big man, and he lets go of Zack, stumbling around...JINGUS walks into School's Out by Zack! The big man falls to one knee via Zack's signature move, and both Superstar and Zack look at each other, then each grabs JINGUS...DOUBLE SUPLEX TAKES HIM OVER! THE RING SHOOK ON THAT ONE! The crowd pops huge, as the big man is flat on his back!

 

Eskimo comes charging in, but Zack sidesteps him and tosses him right back out, over the top rope and to the floor! With Eskimo dazed on the outside, Zack heads up top, and waits on him...FLYING BODYPRESS TO THE FLOOR!!! Zack wipes out Eskimo!

 

Meanwhile, Superstar has JINGUS pinned, but Anglesault is nowhere to be found. Superstar sees him laying on the outside, and yells at him to get off his ass and come make the count. As Superstar is yelling, JINGUS slowly recovers in the background, like a horror movie villain rising again. Angelsault rolls into the ring, but it looks like he's holding something...it's his SLEDGE! AS stands up, his back to Superstar, but then he turns and swings...AND HITS JINGUS! THE BIG MAN FALLS LIKE A TON OF BRICKS! SUPERSTAR WAS READY FOR HIM! AS and SS have a staredown, and AS GETS SPEARED BY MALIBU! Zack rushes in to save SS from a sledge shot, then grabs the sledge himself! Zack holds it up for all to see, and takes a shot...AS DUCKS, and SUPERSTAR GETS HIT! SS rolls under the bottom rope, holding his forehead, which is now dripping blood. Angelsault hits a lowblow on Zack, then blasts HIM in the forehead with a sledge shot, sending Zack staggering back and falling through the ropes. Eskimo, Superstar and Zack all lay on the floor, wounded during the course of this battle, as the monster JINGUS lay on the mat in the center of the ring.

 

Anglesault surveys the damage around him, and walks around the ring, clutching the sledge in one hand and making a count with the other hand. Not one of the three men on the floor are able to answer the 10 count, however, and AS calls for the bell. He requests the mic from the announcer to make the official decision, then pushes the poor guy off the apron after he hands it to him.

 

AS:"Ladies and gentlemen, as a result of a countout...I always knew this guy was a winner..."

 

AS grabs JINGUS by the arm, raising it in victory while at the same time pulling the big guy to his knees. AS then drops the mic, and CRACKS JINGUS in the head with the sledge!! Anglesault looks down at the fallen bodies around him, then simply shrugs and walks off, clutching his trusty sledge in his right hand.

 

COMMERCIALS

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

::The camera cuts back to the Lightning Crew. The crowd begins booing once again since they know it’s the Lightning Crew dressing room due to the camera cutting to a close-up of an opened present filled with wrapping paper. Salsa music is being played on the stereo. Small “P.R. SUCKS!” chants are heard as the Lightning Crew continue exchanging presents with each other. There are cups filled with beer scattered across the floor, and wrapping paper covering half of the room. Several opened presents are shown: a X-Box. A Gamecube. Some Shady Limited shirts. The Ultimate Ric Flair Collection DVD. Bloodbath: Wrestling’s Most Dangerous Cage Matches DVD. Some Lightning Crew t-shirts and toys. A Puerto Rican Lightning action figure. And Tony Hawk Underground for the Playstation 2. A new Salsa song begins to play while Colombian Heat looks at the giant sliver chains he has been given by Puerto Rican Lightning. Mr. Boricua has a giant red bow on his suit and is lying on the floor reading The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Vitamin X is drinking some more beer. The rest of the Lightning Crew are gathered around their sofa with PRL, who is in a better mode than he was before. He is actually smiling opening up a new present. He is in shock when he finds out what the present is.::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning (Surprised):

The new Jay-Z CD! Thanks, Cuban Wall!

 

Cuban Wall:

Eh, no problem, boss.

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Come here, you big lug.

 

::Puerto Rican Lightning gives a big hug to Cuban Wall. Wall responds with a halfhearted hug. He shrugs the hug off and clears his throat, attempting to not show any emotion.::

 

Colombian Heat:

Hey Lindsay, thanks for the ice! The official Lightning Crew sliver chain looks great around my neck. Now I have some more ice to rock around my neck.

 

Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez:

No problem, Heat. PRL’s friends are my friends too.

 

Colombian Heat:

Well if that’s the case, can I get some of what PRL is getting?

 

Lindsay (disgusted):

NO!

 

Heat:

Had to try it. Hey, Puerto Rican, where’s your present for me?

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Glad you asked, bud, because I just happen to have it right here. Consider this a token of my appreciation for your loyalty to the Lightning Crew and a way to show you how much I care about you.

 

::Colombian Heat opens up a big, skinny square shaped present. The present turns out to be a giant 8x10 poster of Puerto Rican Lightning posing with the Puerto Rican Championship belt. The crowd boos loudly at PRL’s ego. Colombian Heat acts as though he has won an academy award. PRL smiles proudly as Heat jumps up and down looking at the poster. The poster also has PRL’s signature with “To Colombian Heat, you are the best friend a guy could ever have. Thanks for joining the Lightning Crew and doing whatever I say. Your Friend, Puerto Rican Lightning.”::

 

Heat:

Gee, thank you PRL. You’re the greatest.

 

PRL:

No problem, bud.

 

::Colombian Heat runs over to PRL and hugs him. PRL has a look of disgust on his face, trying hard to work up a smile.::

 

PRL:

Okay. That’s enough. Enough. ENOUGH!

 

::Heat lets go and skips merrily with the poster.::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Wow. I got some really great presents this year. Awesome. Guys, this has cheered me up a whole bunch. I have completely forgotten that I have a title defense against The Mad CRAPPA this Sunday at Bloody, Battered, and Beaten. Oh well. Thanks Heat. Thanks Wall. Thanks X. Thanks Thomas. Thanks Boricua. Hey, Lindsay, I notice I didn’t get a present from you. What’s up wit that?

 

Lindsay (rather seductive):

Well, P.R. I got you a present, but, um, you’ll just have to wait until later tonight to receive it.

 

::She pulls her dress down a bit and gives PRL a peek.::

 

PRL:

Oh, you are a naughty, naughty girl. You deserve a spanking! ::Giggles::

 

Heat:

Can I get some?

 

PRL and Lindsay:

NO!

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Anyway, this night has been great so far. So, enough chitchat. Let’s get back to the most important thing about Christmas: getting presents!

 

::The salsa music changes to “Frontin’” by Pharell Williams featuring Jay-Z. The Lightning Crew continue exchanging presents as the camera fades out.::

 

Cut back to JR, who's now in the parking lot, approaching his car

 

JR:

These Lightning Crew members “Drinking PRL’s Kool-Aid”. Doing whatever he says. It’s disgusting and pitiful how these men and women can follow Puerto Rican Lightning till the ends of the Earth. What a couple of sad human beings....how do I know whats going inside when I'm out here? Well, lets just call it Christmas magic, kids!

 

JR reaches his car, and opens the door. Inside sits -

 

JR

Naz Mistry?!

 

NAZ

I'm home for Christmas!

 

Naz jumps out of the car and nails JR with a forearm shot! The cover!

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

The save comes in from Jesse Ventura, out of nowhere! Naz growls at Jesse, who growls back louder and poses! Naz whimpers and runs!

 

JR

BAH GAWD! Thankyou Jess!

 

JESSE

No problem, Jim Ross...I thought I'd drop in on the show, as it Christmas and all...but now...maybe you could just lie down and let me get the 1-2-3?

 

JR

Hey!

 

JESSE

C'mon, I wanna win!

 

JR

We need to talk about this...while we do, here's another match from IntenseZone 2003. This is from October 7th's Season Premiere- and it features PRL defending his NA title against the franchise of IZ, Jay Darring!

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

* DING DING DING *

 

RA

Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheldued for one fall and is the main event for the OaOasT North American Championship! This next match will also decide who will get the final slot in the Intense Five Tournament for #1 Contendership for the OaOasT North American Title!

 

The crowd cheers.

 

"Shin-Jingi Naki Tatakai [Kill Bill Teaser]" by Hotei starts up as the lights get turned off and the crowd cheers loudly.*

 

JR

Here he comes! IntenseZone's #1 Superstar "Shooter" Jay Darring!

 

Navy blue flashing spotlights are all over the entrance stage as the crowd waits for Jay to appear. Once he does, the crowd pops big as Jay Darring acknowledges the crowd's reaction with his arms raised. Lauren Gellar politely waves to the crowd as Darring begins to make his way to the ring, slapping hands with the fans on the way to the ring. He looks at the ring non-stop with a determined look on his face. Since it is baseball playoffs time, Jay is wearing a Boston Red Sox baseball cap to go along with his leather bomber jacket and Matt Murdoch-style sunglasses. Lauren is dressed in a Boston Red Sox baseball

jersey and blue tight jeans.

 

RA

Coming to the ring at this time, accompanying by Lauren Gellar. From Boston, Massachutesetts. Weighing in at 173 lbs. "Shooter" JAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY DARRIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGG!

 

The crowd pops loudly for Jay as he makes his way into the ring with "Shin-Jingi Naki Tatakai" playing on the P.A. system. He raises his fists to the fans applause then kisses Lauren for luck. Jay removes his Red Sox cap, his jacket and glasses and bounces off the ropes awaiting PRL.

 

JR

Just like the greatest baseball rivarly of all-time maybe the Boston Red Sox vs. the New York Yankees, the greatest IntenseZone rivarly of all-time may be "Shooter" Jay Darring vs. Puerto Rican Lightning. The hatred these two feel for each other is unhealthy. Jay has not and most likely will never forget what the Lightning Crew did to Lauren and Lauren may still be recovering emotionally from the actions of the Lightning Crew. The fact that PRL is proud of what he did to Lauren is sick and disturbing and I, for one, hope that Jay takes the NA Title from PRL tonight!

 

"Shin-Jingi Naki Tataka [Kill Bill Teaser]" by Hotei dies down as there is silence for a few seconds. The fans get hype up and begin chanting "P.R. Sucks!" and "Shooter Jay!" as they await PRL's arrival.

 

RA

And his oppoent.....

 

The crowd begins booing as the AngleTron lights up with a video of San Juan, Puerto Rico.

 

As the video shows footage of different places of San Juan, an organ is heard playing a sweet, gentle song. The video shows the beautfiul beaches of San Juan. Follow by looks at Olde' San Juan. The organ music continues to play as the crowd becomes hyper waiting for PRL's appearance. The video shifts from San Juan to New York City. The video shows footage of Times Square. Follow by Madison Square Garden and the Statue of Liberty at night. The video then shows a helicopter circling NYC at night follow by a look at the Manhattan skyline. Then Yankee Stadium and the Brooklyn Bridge. The organ music changes by going a high note as an angelic choir joins in. The video shows the Empire State Building and a NYC nightclub before shifting to Miami, Florida. The organ music continues playing as the video shows Miami at night. It shows footage of Miami Beach follow by a birds eye view of Pro Player Stadium. Miami's many night clubs are shown as the organ music nears it's end with the crowd getting more and more excited to see PRL. The video then shows Orlando, Florida, more specifically, Universal Studios: Islands of Adventure. As the organ music ends, the lighthouse at Islands of Adventure is shown with the light from the lighthouse shinning in front of the camera as the word "LIGHTNING" is said in a whisper. A lightning bolt hits the entrance and the crowd pops big time. Smoke and pyro fills the entrance as the AngleTron shows a blue screen with the words "PUERTO RICAN LIGHTNING" in big blue blocky letters. "Know Your Role 2K3 (Hollywood Version)" starts up as the AngleTron shows PRL sneering at the camera in a broken down warehouse. The lights go down, as the fans see a silhoutte of someone near the entrance. The crowd pops then boo as they know it is the silhoutte of Puerto Rican Lightning. Puerto Rican Lightning raises his right arm which has the OaOasT North American Title. He then raises his left arm which has the Puerto Rican Championship. He turns around as the lights go back on and the crowd begins booing big time. They begin throwing garbage and chanting "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!" as PRL walks to the ring, cocky, and confident as usual. He is holding both his belts on his shoulders and dares the fans to touch his belts. "Know Your Role 2K3 (Hollywood Version)" continues to play as PRL walks to the ring with The Lightning Crew.

 

RA

Accompanying to the ring by the Lightning Crew. Weighing in at 223lbs. From San Juan, Puerto Rico. He is the OaOasT North American and Puerto Rican Champion, PUERTO RICAN LIGGGGGGHTTTTTTNNNNINNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!

 

The crowd boos PRL as he continues walking to the ring. He is hesitant at first, but enters the ring with Jay Darring and Lauren exiting. PRL spins around showing his two belts and then does the HBK-pose to a pop while pyro explodes behind him. "Know Your Role 2K3 (Hollywood Version)" continues to play as PRL kisses Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez and then grabs his belts and poses on a turnbuckle to boos. He then heads to another turnbuckle and poses then stares at Jay Darring who stares back. They both have angry looks on their faces with PRL sneering at him and Jay responding with a middle finger directed at Lightning.

 

JR

You can feel the hatred these two men. You can feel the electricity in this building. The tension is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. I am running out of cliches to let you know how these two men feel about each other!

 

"Know Your Role 2K3 (Hollywood Version)" dies down as the bell rings signfying the start of the match. The crowd is pumped up big time chanting "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!"

 

*DING DING DING*

 

JR

Alright fans, here we go! The main event. For the NA Title. The Season Premiere of IntenseZone!

 

Jay Darring enters the ring and stands in a corner opposite of PRL. The fans are excited as PRL and Jay circle each other in the ring.

 

JR

These two have alot of history. Jay's first match in the OaOasT was against PRL back in April. Since then, he has exploded as IZ's premiere superstar. A former Tag Team Champion. A former North American Champion. A former Puerto Rican Champion. He has done alot in the 6 months he's been in the OaOasT. They lock up and here we go.

 

PRL and SJD lock up. They both jockey for position. Jay sends PRL to the corner as the referee demands that they break up the lock up. PRL and Jay stare at each other and lock up again. This time, they go to another turnbuckle and the ref breaks it up. PRL pokes Jay in the eyes to boos and punches Darring several times. Lightning hits the ropes but Jay leapfrogs over PRL to cheers. PRL hits the ropes again and Jay reverse leapfrogs over Jay. PRL is shock, so Jay hits him with a spinning heel kick.

 

JR

Jay hitting PRL with his own medicine. First the leapfrogs then the spinning heel kick.

 

Jay Darring picks up PRL and bodyslams him then heads to the top rope and comes down with a second rope tumbleweed. He goes for a cover but PRL kicks out at the count of one.

 

JR

Jay Darring going for the pin early in the match.

 

Jay chops PRL several times to "WOOOOS!" from the crowd then grabs PRL and whips PRL to the turnbuckle. PRL hits the turnbuckle but turns it into a Flair Flip onto the ring apron. The crowd boos as PRL laughs and points to his head to let the fans know how smart he is. Jay Darring comes back by running to the ropes and bumping into PRL sending him into the floor to the roars of the crowd.

 

JR

Incredible move by Jay! Taking advantage of PRL's mistake!

 

The crowd cheers as Vitamin X and Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez help PRL help. Jay heads to the ropes once again to go for the Reckless Endangerment, but Mr. Boricua grabs Darring's legs from behind and trips him onto the mat to boos.

 

JR

Mr. Boricua helping The Lightning Crew take over this match. PRL is back in the ring. Shining Wizard by PRL! PRL now hooking an Fujiwara Arm-Bar on Jay Darring.

 

Puerto Rican Lightning puts "Shooter" Jay Darring in a Fujiwara Arm-Bar as the crowd boos and chants "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!" but PRL tells them to shut up. The referee checks on Jay who refuses to quit. PRL lets go of the arm-bar and drops several close-fists on Jay on the mat. PRL then runs to the ropes and goes for a Lionsault which hits Jay's back. PRL goes for the cover.

 

1....2....Kick out!

 

JR

Jay Darring is still in the match. PRL now choking Darring with his bandana. PRL picking up Jay and hitting him with several European Uppercuts. Jay comes back!

 

PRL striking back! Now Jay!

Lightning hits the ropes, but Jay drop toe holds PRL into a submission. PRL gets up but Jay gives Lightning an arm-drag. PRL gets up again, so Jay gives him another arm-drag. PRL gets up again so Jay dropkicks him. PRL gets up again so Jay whips PRL to the ropes and gives Puerto Rican Lightning a stiff superkick. He goes for a cover.

 

1....2....Kick out!

 

JR

Jay Darring now has control of this match. A Saito Suplex. Darring hits a Double-Armed DDT. Cover. 1.2. And PRL kicks out!

 

Jay whips PRL to the ropes but PRL leapfrogs over Jay. He does another reverse leapfrog but Jay comes back with a leg lariat. The crowd cheers as Darring gets up and begins jumping up and down for the adrenaline rush. He heads to the top rope and hits Puerto Rican Lightning with a missle dropkick. He then picks PRL and gives him a Roaring Elbow which makes PRL somersault onto the mat. Jay rests on the ropes for a second as the crowd is hyped up. He hits PRL with a Shining Black and goes for the cover.

 

1...2....Kick out!

 

"Shooter" Jay Darring and hits a floating Neckbreaker on PRL. He goes for another cover.

 

1...2.....Kick out!

He goes for the cover again.

1...2...Kick out.

One more cover.

1...2....Kick out.

One more.

1...2....Kick out.

 

JR

Jay is doing whatever it takes to win the North American Title back. He is trying to ground the

high-flying PRL.

 

Darring picks up PRL and goes for the Foreshadow, but PRL escapes and shoves Jay into the ropes. PRL grabs Jay's tights and goes for a roll up that gets two. PRL goes for a headlock, but Jay escapes. Puerto Rican Lightning dropkicks Darring to the mat and goes for a cover that gets a one count. PRL then whips Darring to the ropes and hits Spinning Wheel Kick. He then heads to the top rope and does a split-legged moonsault on Jay for a two count.

 

He heads to the top rope and waits for Jay to get up. When Jay does, P.R. Lightning goes for a Crossbody but Jay grabs PRL and bodyslams him onto the mat to a huge pop. SJD goes for another cover but PRL kicks out at the count of 2.

 

JR

PRL kicking out at the count of 2. Lightning now being manhandled by Shooter Jay.

 

Shooter Jay Irish Whips P.R. but P.R. reverses and gives Jay a DDT. He is too tired to cover him, however. He goes for the cover, but gets a 2 count.

 

JR

Samoan Drop on Jay Darring. Lightning now starting to feel a comeback.

 

Puerto Rican Lightning punches Shooter Jay several times then Irish Whips him into a turnbuckle. Jay hits the turnbuckle chest first, and PRL finishes with a clothesline. Lightning lays in several boots on Jay then picks him up and gives him a Russian Leg Sweep. He then holds on to give Jay another Russian Legsweep. Then another and another. Puerto Rican Lightning heads to the top rope once again and hits Shooter Jay with The Mad Cappa Crusher 2003 (Top Rope Legdrop). Lightning goes for the cover.

 

1.....

 

2.....

 

Thr--NO! Shooter Jay kicks out.

 

JR

Puerto Rican Lightning continuing his assault on Jay Darring. Tilt-A-Whirl Backbreaker into a Surfboard Stretch.

 

Puerto Rican Lightning holds Jay Darring in a Surfboard Stretch. Jay screams in pain as the crowd claps their hands in unison and chants "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!" PRL tells the crowd to shut up.

 

JR

The crowd letting PRL know how they feel about him. But PRL ignoring it.

 

Puerto Rican Lightning continues the Surfboard Stretch on Jay despite Jay poking PRL's eyes. PRL stands up but holds on to Jay's neck. He goes for the Lightning Strike, but Jay shoves PRL into the ropes. He goes for a clothesline, but PRL ducks and dropkicks Jays' knees sending him to the mat.

Puerto Rican Lightning grabs Shooter Jay and brings him to the second rope and chokes him with it. Jay's head is still rested on the second rope causing the crowd to stand up and pop. PRL looks at Jay and smiles evily. He yells out "7-8-7!" then runs to the ropes and hits "Shooter" Jay Darring with the 7-8-7 (6-1-9).

 

JR

PRL with the 7-8-7 on Darring. He seems intent on finishing Jay once and for all.

 

Puerto Rican Lightning heads to the outside, he jumps on the top rope and goes for a hurricarana, but Jay holds on and powerbombs PRL. He goes for a pin.

 

1...

 

2....

 

PRL kicks out!

 

JR

Jay also seems obsess with finishing PRL. Remember, Jay hates PRL and will forever hate PRL for what he did to Lauren Gellar. He hates PRL for what he's done to one of his close friends, The Mad Cappa. And he hates PRL because PRL is a cocky, overconfident, ego-maniac who does not deserve to be North American Champion! Jay is now stomping a mudhole in PRL.

 

SJD picks P.R. up and chops him several times. He whips him into the ropes, but PRL reverses and gives him The Cappa Killer (Stone Cold Stunner).

 

JR

CAPPA KILLER! CAPPA KILLER! PRL HITS JAY DARRING WITH A CAPPA KILLER!

 

1.....

 

2.......

 

Kick out!

 

The crowd cheers and begin chanting "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!" PRL yells at the crowd. PRL picks up SJD and try the Lightning Strike once again, but SJD escapes and goes for the Reverse Tornado DDT. However, PRL reverses that and hits the Lightning Strike on SJD (Diamond Cutter). PR Lightning goes for the cover.

 

1....

 

2....

 

Kick out!

 

The crowd cheers and continue chanting "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!" PRL yells at the crowd. When that doesn't work, he covers his ears to drown out the noise. When that doesn't work, he heads to the outside to be comforted by The Lightning Crew. This gives Shooter Jay enough time to run to the ropes and hit The Lightning Crew with the Reckless Endangerment onto the outside to the roars of the crowd.

 

JR

BAWD GAWD~!!!! OH MY!!! "SHOOTER" JAY DARRING HAS STRUCK WITH THE RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT ON THE LIGHTNING CREW!!! HE IS BACK IN THIS MATCH!!!

 

The crowd pops and begins chanting "Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit!" The Lightning Crew members are down on the floor. Jay struggles to get up and once he does, he grabs Puerto Rican and whips him into the ringpost. He grabs Lightning again and whips him into the stairs. Lightning is in pain as SJD grabs PRL and sends him over the barricade and into the crowd.

 

JR

This match has kicked up a notch as PRL and Shooter Jay are now brawling in the crowd. This match is indeed a slobberknocker!

 

Puerto Rican Lightning tries to escape "Shooter" Jay Darring's attack, but is unsucessful. They brawl throughout the crowd and then back to ringside where Jay gives PRL a Spinebuster onto a bunch of chairs. He grabs Lightning's right leg, but Lightning kicks Jay in the face.

 

JR

Shooter Jay now recovering, he backdrops PRL over the barricade!

 

Puerto Rican Lightning grabs the ringbell and smashes it over Jay's head. He grabs Jay and throws him over the barricade and begins punching him. He then knees him in the face and smashes him in the table where the ring bell was located.

 

P.R. grabs "Shooter" Jay Darring and catapults him into the ringpost. PRL kicks Jay's right arm several times then does a cross-arm breaker on Jay's right arm. PRL heads back into the ring and waits for Jay to get up. When he does, PRL hits Jay with a double-axehandle off the top rope to the floor. Both men are down as the rest of the Lightning Crew start to get up. Puerto Rican, slowly, picks up Darring and throws him back into the ring. PRL kicks Jay in the stomach several times then heads to the outside. He waits for Jay to get up, when he does, PRL jumps on the rope and gives SJD a hurricarna pin (West Coast Pop). Cover for 2. Lightning grabs Jay and whips him into the turnbuckle and comes back with the Stinger Splash. SJD lands on the mat, back first, so PRL sees the perfect oppturnity to head to the top rope. He removes his left elbow pad and throws it to the crowd. He does the "UP YOURS!" sign then heads off the top rope with the F.U. Elbow Drop which connects. He goes for the cover.

 

1....

 

2....

 

Kick out!

 

JR

Puerto Rican Lightning has used every move in his arsenal to win this match and keep Jay Darring down. He has so far been unable to get the pinfall on the man, but will not quit. Sleeperhold on Shooter Jay! The sleeperhold is locked on Darring!

 

PRL locks in the Sleeperhold on Jay Darring. Shooter Jay is down on one knee. He is down on the mat with the Sleeperhold still locked on.

The crowd is getting hyped and clapping their hands in unison once again. They chant "Shooter Jay! Shooter Jay! Shooter Jay! Shooter Jay! Shooter Jay!" and "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!" PRL tells the fans to shut up. The referee goes to check on Jay. He raises Jay's right arm and it drops. He raises it again and it drops again.

 

JR

If Jay's arm drops a third time this match is over and PRL retains. Did it drop? NO!

Jay is still in this match. He escapes the Sleeperhold and hits a German Suplex! And another German Suplex! And another! And another! He holds on! 1! 2! Thre--NO!!! PRL kicks out at the count of 2!

 

Jay grabs PRL and hits the Foreshadow on him. Cover. 2 Count. He grabs PRL again and hits the reverse Tornado DDT on him. He heads to the top rope and comes down with the diving headbutt. He goes for another cover.

 

1....

 

2....

 

Kick out!

 

Jay struggles to get up. He grabs PRL but PRL hits Jay in the stomach and gives him a jawbreaker. He struggles to get up, but once he does, he heads to the outside and hits Jay with the San Juan Jam (450 Splash). He goes for a cover that gets two. PRL grabs Jay and hits him in the stomach several times.

 

JR

PRL with a Spingboard Armdrag on Jay. He grabs Darring's right arm and brings him down by pulling on it several times. He grabs Darring and applies an wristlock on him. PRL now with what he calls the Che Guevera Special, that's the Gory Special incase you're wondering. PRL hurting Shooter Jay with the Che Guevera Special.

 

Puerto Rican changes the Che Guevera Special into the "Free Puerto Rico NOW!" Slam (Gory Bomb). He then gets up and hits the Asai Moonsault onto Jay for two. He picks up Jay and whips him into the ropes, but as PRL bends down, Jay kicks him in the head and applies the Dragon Sleeper on PRL to the roar of the crowd.

 

JR

DRAGON SLEEPER! DRAGON SLEEPER! DRAGON SLEEPER ON PUERTO RICAN LIGHTNING! IS THIS IT? IS THIS THE END? CAN JAY DO IT? CAN HE WIN THIS MATCH AND THE NORTH AMERICAN TITLE AND THE CHANCE TO BECOME OAOAST WORLD CHAMPION!

 

The referee goes to check on PRL who is still in the Dragon Sleeper. PRL tries to escape but is unable to so he kicks the referee in the face knocking him out. The fans boo as SJD lets go of the Dragon Sleeper to check on the referee.

 

JR

That damn PRL! Cheating to retain the title. How disgusting.

 

The referee is still knocked out so Jay goes to PRL. But when he does, PRL gets up and delievers the Latin Slam to SJD.

 

JR

LATIN SLAM! LATIN SLAM! LATIN SLAM ON SHOOTER JAY! LATIN SLAM ON SHOOTER JAY!

 

Both men are on the mat. Tired and in pain. Jay tries to get up, but is unable to. PRL gets up instead and stands over Shooter Jay, tired and in pain. He relizes that Jay is lying in the middle of the ring. The crowd knows exactly what Puerto Rican is thinking as they stand up and begin to cheer. PRL gets in position to deliever the Puerto Rico Elbow. He removes his right elbow pad and spits on it. Then throws it onto Jay's face. He does some weird hand signals and bounces off the ropes. He then delievers the Puerto Rico Elbow to the roars of the crowd.

 

JR

PUERTO RICO ELBOW ON DARRING. IT LOOKS LIKE THIS MAYBE THE END OF THE MATCH, BUT THE REFEREE IS KNOCKED OUT!

 

Puerto Rican covers Jay, but then remembers that the referee is knocked out. He still covers as the referee struggles to get up. He is able to make a 2 count. The crowd cheers as PRL thinks something over.

 

JR

Shooter Jay is still in this match! He must be thinking "BAWD GAWD~! What do I have to do in order to win this match?"

 

PRL picks up Jay as the crowd continues chanting "Shooter Jay! Shooter Jay! Shooter Jay! Shooter Jay!" PRL goes for a suplex, but Jay holds on and goes for a suplex of his own, but PRL reverses that and goes for a German Suplex, but Jay reverses THAT and shoves PRL into the ropes. PRL comes back with the flying forearm. The crowd boos as they know it signals PRL's finish.

 

JR

Oh no. Oh no. PRL is looking to end this match. He's setting up Jay Darring for the P.R. Nightmare. Oh no. He hits another Flying Forearm.

 

Puerto Rican Lightning waits for Jay to get up and hits another Flying Forearm. He picks SJD up and hits the Flying Forearm. He then kips up to boos. He jumps up and down in the ring then heads to a turnbuckle and begins stomping his right foot a'la Shawn Michaels. The crowd boos.

 

JR

PRL going for the Sweet Chin Music. Is it possible. Can this be the ending?

 

PRL continues stomping his foot preparing for the Sweet Chin Music. SJD gets up and PRL goes for the Sweet Chin Music. It connects and Jay goes down hard.

 

JR

SWEET CHIN MUSIC! THE SWEET CHIN MUSIC CONNECTS! IT'S ALL OVER! PRL now setting up Jay. P.R. Nightmare! NO! Saito Suplex on Puerto Rican Lightning! Now Jay has kipped up!

 

The crowd gets excited as Jay jumps up and down. He rips his shirt off and prepares to attack Puerto Rican Lightning. He grabs PRL and gives him a Belly-To-Belly Suplex. He grabs Puerto Rican Lightning again and gives him a Double-Armed DDT. Jay then heads to the top rope and hits a elbowdrop off the top rope. He grabs PRL again and hits the Foreshadow. He then does the Colt Cabana sign to a huge pop.

 

JR

THERE IT IS! THAT'S THE SYMBOL FOR THE AFTERTHOUGHT! JAY LOOKS LIKE HE IS NOW READY TO FINISH OFF PUERTO RICAN LIGHTNING AND WIN THE NORTH AMERICAN TITLE AND THE FINAL SLOT IN THE INTENSE FIVE TOURNAMENT!!!!

 

"Shooter" Jay Darring grabs Puerto Rican Lightning and hits the Harsh Reality.

 

JR

HARSH REALITY! THE HARSH REALITY! IT'S OVER!

 

Jay goes for the cover.

 

1...

 

2....

 

Mr. Boricua pulls the referee out from the ring, and knocks him out with one single punch.

 

JR

NO! Damnit! Damn him to Hell! That son-of-a-bitch, Mr. Boricua has pulled the referee out of this match.

 

Jay sees Mr. Boricua and heads to the outside where he starts brawling with him. He finishes by giving him the Harsh Reality on the floor. Jay heads back into the ring where PRL is ready to attack. He goes for the clothesline, but Jay reverses and applies the Afterthought on PRL.

 

JR

AFTERTHOUGHT! JAY HAS THE AFTERTHOUGHT HOOKED ON PRL! AND HE TAPS! PRL HAS TAPPED TO THE AFTERTHOUGHT! BUT THERE IS NO REFEREE! THE REFEREE HAS BEEN KNOCKED OUT BY MR. BORICUA WHO HAS ALSO BEEN KNOCKED OUT BY "SHOOTER" JAY DARRING!!! WE NEED ANOTHER REFEREE IN HERE QUICK! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE SEND IN ANOTHER REFEREEE!!!

 

As Jay has the Afterthought locked on PRL, Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez stands on top of the ring apron. She whistles and has Jay's attention.

 

JR

What is this jezeabel doing in this match? Why is she even out here?

 

Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez whispers something in SJD's ear. He apparently likes what he heards. Lindsay then begins unbuttoning her New York Yankees baseball jersey to cheers from the crowd. She takes off her Yankees jersey and is left in her pink bra. The crowd is cheering loudly as Jay can't help but stare at Lindsay's big breasts.

 

JR

Since Jesse Ventura isn't here, I'll say what he would have said. "Pink! They're pink! Jim Ross! I love pink!"

 

Lindsay then takes off her belt and takes off her pants. She turns around and shows her pink thong to Jay who seems to be distracted by Lindsay. That all ends, when Lauren Gellar runs over to Lindsay and pulls her off the ring apron. Lindsay's face hits the ring apron. Lauren and Lindsay get into a catfight which makes the crowd pop huge also. The two hot girls continue their catfight outside the ring, while inside the ring, Vitamin X tries to use the Lightning Crew stun taser on Jay Darring. Jay is able to see Vitamin X and is able to duck when X tries to use the stun taser on Jay. Jay kicks X in the gut making the stun taser fall from his hands. Jay then gives Vitamin X the Harsh Reality to a huge pop. Vitamin X exits the ring as PRL gets up and grabs the OaOasT North American Title belt.

 

JR

A HARSH REALITY FOR VITAMIN X! BUT WAIT A MINUTE! PRL HAS THE NORTH AMERICAN TITLE! HE'S PREPARING TO HIT JAY WITH THE BELT! JAY TURN AROUND! TURN AROUND DAMNIT! TURN AROUND!

 

Puerto Rican Lightning tries to hit "Shooter" Jay Darring with the OaOasT North American Title belt. SJD ducks and kicks Puerto Rican in the gut and does the KT Driller on PRL to another huge pop. PRL is down and out after having Shooter Jay's three finishing moves put on him. Meanwhile, outside the ring, the catfight has ended as Lauren Gellar has knocked out Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez. The referee is still unconscious on the outside. Mr. Boricua is struggling to get up as is Vitamin X. Shooter Jay covers PRL and is demanding that a referee come to the ring while the crowd is going absolutely insane.

 

JR

VITAMIN X IS OUT! MR. BORICUA IS OUT! MS. LINDSAY GONZALEZ IS OUT! PUERTO RICAN LIGHTNING IS OUT! THERE IS NOT ONE LIGHTNING CREW MEMBER THAT CAN HELP PUERTO RICAN LIGHTNING NOW! ALL WE NEED IS A REFEREE TO COUNT JAY THE WINNER! WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE SEND A REFEREE?

 

Suddenly, from the entrance, runs in an OaOasT referee. He is a small man with curly black hair and blue eyes. He runs into the ring and begins to count.

 

1.....

 

2.......

 

He is about to count three.....but stops. The crowd is shocked and so is Jay.

 

JR

What? What? Wha-What's going on? What is happening? Why didn't that referee count three? Why? Why is he doing this? What the hell is going on?!!!

 

The referee smiles an evil smile.....and gives Shooter Jay two middle fingers. He saids "Fuck You." and pulls his referee shirt off to reveal a Lightning Crew t-shirt underneath. He stands up and continues flipping Jay the middle finger as the crowd boos loudly.

 

JR

Oh no! Oh no! Oh BAWD GAWD no! Tell me this is not true! Please tell me this is a joke! Is that OaOasT referee a Lightning Crew member?! Is that possible? Has PRL bribed a referee to join the Lightning Crew? Tell me that isn't true! That referee has sold his soul to the devil himself!

 

Jay is furious. He stands up causing the referee's smile to fade. The referee tries to escape, but is cornered in a turnbuckle, where Jay proceeds to trash talk him. The referee tries to leave the ring, but is stopped by Jay and punched in the face to a loud pop. The referee leaves the ring in pain as Jay looks on.

 

JR

Yeah! You do that Jay! Teach that ref a lesson! Give him what he deserves! Give that son of a bitch what he deserves!

 

Suddenly, from the crowd comes another mysterious stranger. He is a young man in his early 20s. He has tanned skin and a light brown hair crew cut. He has brown eyes and is wearing a Colombian flag bandana. He is also wearing a gold chain and a Lightning Crew basketball jersey with "Heat 2" written on the back. He is wearing orange basketball shorts and white reebok sneakers. He exits the crowd and grabs the Lightning Crew stun taser. The mysterious man who is wearing sunglasses enters the ring and stands behind "Shooter" Jay Darring.

 

JR

Wha-? What the? Who is this man? What the hell is he doing here? Where's security? Or has PRL paid them off too? What is he doing? OH MY! BAWD GAWD~!

 

The mysterious man uses the stun taser on Shooter Jay's back just as he was about to give Puerto Rican Lightning the Harsh Reality. The crowd boos as the mysterious man jaws with the fans and gives them a gang sign. The young man grabs Shooter Jay and gives him the Vertibreaker which causes the crowd to pop.

 

JR

VERTIBREAKER ON JAY DARRING? I still don't understand. Who is this man? What is his relationship to Puerto Rican Lightning? Why is he helping him? Will someone explain to me what the hell is going on?

 

The mysterious man grabs PRL and puts him on top of Jay Darring for the cover. The crowd boos the mystery man as he jaws with them by grabbing his nuts and flipping them the middle finger. He heads to the outside and throws the referee for the match back into the ring. The Lightning Crew referee also enters the ring as an unconscicous PRL is covering an unconscicious "Shooter" Jay Darring. The mystery man heads to the outside to check on The Lightning Crew as the crowd boos. Both referees make the count.

 

JR

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOT LIKE THIS! DON'T LET HIM WIN LIKE THIS! NO! PLEASE

NO!

 

1......

 

2........

 

3!!!!!!

 

*DING DING DING*

 

JR

AW DAMNIT! WHY? WHY? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!!!

 

RING ANNOUNCER

The winner of this match....and STILL OaOasT North American Champion, PUERTO RICAN LIGGGGGGGHHHHTTTTTNNNNINNNGGGGGGGGG!!!

 

COMMERCIALS

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

::Once again, the Lightning Crew dressing room is shown. More booing from the crowd and more “P.R. SUCKS!” chants. There is wrapping paper all over the room and beer cups on the floor. The Christmas tree lights are fading out and the decorations are falling off the wall. The Lightning Crew’s presents are stacked all together on one corner of the room. Glitter and streamers are all over the room. The music has stopped, and that is because, thanks to a close-up of a broken stereo with CDs lying all over the floor, the stereo is broken. Colombian Heat is standing up with a worry look on his face. The rest of the Lightning Crew are sitting on sofas staring coldly at Heat.:

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Heat, WHY did you break the stereo?

 

Colombian Heat:

Sorry! I didn’t know where I was going. I-I-I was jumping up and down happy that I got that poster you got me. I did not see where I was going. I did not know swingin’ your arms around like a helicopter would make my hands hit the stereo and cause it to fall and break. I didn’t know. I’m sorry, P.R. I’m sorry you guys. I promise I’ll pay you back. I promise.

 

Cuban Wall:

Hey, PRL. Can I NOW punch Colombian Heat?

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

No Wall. Colombian Heat may seem like an idiot to most of you, but to me, he is a kind-heated, naive, short, scrawny Colombian who tries his best, and for that we should applaud him.

 

Colombian Heat:

I can make clothes that glow!

 

Cuban Wall:

How is THAT any good for the Lightning Crew?! Tell me!

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

You don’t understand the bond that Heat and me have. No one does. I’m GLAD to have Heat apart of the Lightning Crew and you should too!

 

Cuban Wall (whining):

But he is an idiot!

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

How do you define “Idiot?” Isn’t that just an adjective? I think George W. Bush is an idiot, but a lot of people see him as a hero. I think Vince McMahon is an idiot but he has a lot of people kissing his ass saying he’s a genius. Plus, Heat is genuinely talented in the ring, and the Lightning Crew only picks the best.

 

Cuban Wall:

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let’s just kick his ass!

 

::PRL holds Wall back.::

 

PRL:

Try to, and you’ll see yourself kicked out of the Lightning Crew!

 

::Cuban Wall and PRL stare at each other for a few seconds. The crowd buzzes in anticipation for what Cuban will do. Cuban decides to back off and lies back on the sofa. Colombian Heat does several movements urging Wall to fight him behind PRL’s back. Wall stares at PRL and Heat coldly.::

 

Cuban Wall:

You win this round, Heat.

 

Colombian Heat:

YES! Score one for the Heatster!

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Now Wall, watch how a NORMAL PERSON deals with this situation. Heat, do you have a way to bring some music into this joint?

 

Colombian Heat:

Indeed I do, P.R.!

 

::Colombian Heat pulls out a kazoo from his orange baggy shorts. He dusts it off and smiles. The crowd begins laughing. PRL forces a smile while the rest of the Lightning Crew all gulp in fear hoping Heat isn’t going to do what they think he is going to do.::

 

Cuban Wall:

Oh my god.

 

Vitamin X:

Heat, you wouldn’t.

 

Colombian Heat:

Boss, let me introduce you to a Kazoo! This thing is awesome! It’s one-of-a-kind. All you have to do is blow into it and voila! You are making music. It is so beautiful. I can’t believe something like this exists.

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

I see. So, you aren’t actually going to PLAY that thing are you?

 

Colombian Heat:

Hell no, G. Mr. Boricua is.

 

::The crowd begins laughing some more as Mr. Boricua stands up tall with the giant red bow still on his suit. He grabs the kazoo and smiles with Heat. The Lightning Crew groan, but PRL forces a faux smile.::

 

PRL (Under his breath):

Oh God.

 

Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez:

Can’t we do something else?

 

Cuban Wall:

Can I kick his ass now?

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

No! Uh…. Heat. (As much as I hate to say this), show us what you got.

 

Colombian Heat:

Really?

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Yeah. Knock our socks off. Show us your talent.

 

Colombian Heat:

All right! What is going to happen, P.R., I’m going to rap and sing YOUR favorite songs, while Mr. Boricua plays on the kazoo. How’s THAT for entertainment?

 

PRL:

Uh…great. Yeah. Go ahead (Let’s get this pain over with).

 

Colombian Heat:

Alright! Ready Mr. Boricua?

 

Mr. Boricua:

Ready. Heat.

 

Colombian Heat:

Then, let’s get down and boogie! This first tune is one I know your love, PRL. Presenting “Fight The Power” by Public Enemy. Colombian Heat style.

 

::Colombian Heat begins rapping while Mr. Boricua plays on the kazoo. Heat raps to the tune of the kazoo. The Lightning Crew all groan and look at Heat in pain.::

 

Colombian Heat:

Fight The Power!

Fight The Power!

Fight The Power!

Fight The Power!

Fight The Power!

Fight The Power!

Fight The Power!

We got to Fight The Powers That Be!

1989, a number.

Another summer.

 

Mr. Boricua:

Get down!

 

Colombian Heat:

Sound of the funky drummer.

Music hitting your heart

Cuz I know you got soul!

 

Mr. Boricua:

Brothers and sisters!

 

::Colombian Heat continues rapping while Mr. Boricua continues playing the kazoo. The Lightning Crew all sit on the sofas and groan seeing the torture—entertainment take place. Puerto Rican Lightning crosses his arms and tries to sit through the song, but is having trouble doing so. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez looks like she is going to fall asleep. Cuban Wall cracks his knuckles waiting to attack. We leave the Lightning Crew dressing room with Heat still rapping “Fight The Power” by Public Enemy.::

 

::Cut back to the parking lot with Jim Ross.::

 

JR:

Well, it looks like the Lightning Crew Christmas Party has taken a turn for the worst. Colombian Heat being the entertainment? I feel pity for the Lightning Crew. Except Puerto Rican Lightning. He deserves no pity. Folks, we will be right back. We will check with the Lightning Crew later on. But now-

 

JESSE

Are you going to let me pin you, or not?

 

JR

Well...sure. Let's get this over with. It can be my christmas present to you.

 

JESSE

That's fine, Jim Ross. I didn't get you anything, by the way.

 

JR rolls onto his back, and Jesse covers!

 

ONE!

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

Dan Black breaks it up!

 

BLACK

What the hell is this? Ventura, you're banned from my show! You can't come in here and win my match!

 

JESSE

This isn't a match, this is just you torturing Jim Ross for your own amusement!

 

BLACK

Oh Jesse, you know me so well...now GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM!

 

Jesse squares up to Dan, who shakes his head in pity- before NAILING Jesse with a punch that sends him down to the floor, out cold!

 

Black holds up his hand, showing STEEL KNUCKS!

 

BLACK

Poor deluded Jesse. Will you never learn? And now, as for you, Jimmy...

 

Dan advances on JR...

 

JR

BAH GAWD! Help! Someone!

 

We hear Dan's evil chuckles as we cut away...

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

[We fade in to SPIDERPOET~! standing backstage with . . . SPECIAL CELEBRITY INTERVIEWER: BRUCE CAMPBELL!]

 

CAMPBELL

Bruce Campbell here with none other than Adrenaline Champion, SPIDERPOET! Now, Poet, nobody expected you to show up at the Adrenaline Tournament, let alone win the thing. And I’m sure you didn’t expect Dan Black to pull the stunts he’s pulled. But now, as we’re heading right into Bloody, Battered, and Beaten this Sunday, the question begs: are you ready?

 

SP

Good to see you, Bruce. You’re lookin’ good.

 

BC

. . . thanks.

 

SP

I mean, I remember when we closed the deal for you to work as a celebrity interviewer a few weeks ago up at the OAOAST Offices complex. Bet you never thought you’d wind up interviewing me, eh?

 

BC

[chuckles] That’s true.

 

SP

Come on, Bruce. Say it for me. Just once.

 

BC

[instantly annoyed] Oh, come on.

 

SP

Come on. Say it.

 

BC

I hate you. Know that.

 

SP

Campbell . . .

 

BC

[sigh] Fine. . . . “Groovy.”

 

SP

YES! That’s awesome. Thank you.

 

BC

Yeah, yeah. Just finish the damn interview. I want my check and a stiff drink.

 

SP

Aight, yo. Dan Black. Spider Poet. Bloody, Battered, and Beaten. I think that sums it up. Dan Black thinks he’s in charge, thinks he can run the show all on his own and do whatever he likes. He wants to control everything and thusly choke the life out of the OAOAST, bit by bit. Well, Dan didn’t count on the office actually paying attention. You see, Dan, we’ve been watching. We’ve been waiting. And finally, I had enough. I knew you’d want your fingers in the adrenaline pie, I knew you’d want to have no wild cards. And I also knew that I had to do something. That I had to at least TRY to stop you.

 

And I did.

 

Deal with it.

 

And this Sunday, if you want to take it up to the next level, I’ll be at the top waiting to meet you. You’ll get every ounce of sweat, every drop of blood. And no matter who walks away with the belt this Sunday, this battle doesn’t end there. This battle is for the very fabric of the OAOAST’S EXISTENCE. And I’ll be here, watching, waiting, and fighting. No more talk. No more games, Danny. This Sunday, the beginning of your end begins.

 

(SP looks at Campbell, nods, and leaves, leaving a wave of Intensity so strong in his wake that, as we fade out, not even Bruce Campbell has a snappy comeback.)

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

::To The Lightning Crew dressing room, does the camera go to. Everything is the same as it was when we last left off, with the Lightning Crew all sitting on their sofas watching, in boredom, Colombian Heat sing and rap while Mr. Boricua plays a kazoo. Puerto Rican Lightning tries to control his temper while Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez falls asleep. Cuban Wall continues to contemplate hitting Colombian Heat while Vitamin X tries to get himself drunk with a bottle of champagne to try and get though the singing. Thomas Rodriguez pulls his hair out.::

 

Colombian Heat:

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

 

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

 

One thing

I don’t know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind

I designed this rhyme

To remind myself how I tried

So Hard

 

In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was apart of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I’m surprised it got so far

 

Things aren’t the way they were before

You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me in the end

 

I’ve kept everything inside

And even though I tried

It all fell apart

What is meant to be will eventually

Be a memory

Of the time I tried so hard

 

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

 

I put my trust

In you

Push as fall as I can go

For all this

There’s only one thing you should knoowwwwwwwww

 

I put my trust

In you

Push as far as I can go

For all this

There’s only one thing you should knoooooowwwww

 

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

 

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

 

Take it Mr. Boricua!

 

::Mr. Boricua finishes “In The End” by Linkin Park on the kazoo. Heat and Boricua bow to the Lightning Crew, who half-heartily clap. Vitamin X is drunk and knocked out. Thomas Rodriguez is hitting himself with a book. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez is trying her hardest to stay awake. Puerto Rican Lightning continues putting on his fake smile.::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Well, that’s the 12th song in a roll you did, Heat. Can we PLEASE take a break from the singing and do something else?

 

Colombian Heat:

Hell no! We are just getting the party started!

 

PRL:

OH GOD!

 

JR:

I don’t blame him. Did I just agree with PRL?

 

Cuban Wall:

I swear just one punch. ONE PUNCH. That’s all it will take to knock out Colombian Heat. JUST ONE! COME ON PRL! You know you want it to happen! Give me a shot! I’ll lay one on him so fast, he will never speak again!

 

PRL (Tired and frustrated):

NO Wall. Don’t do it. Colombian Heat is a member of the Lightning Crew just like you and me. Let him do what he wants, even if it is painful, stressful, and just plain horrible.

 

Colombian Heat:

Now this next song is another personal favorite of PRL and myself. It’s a little something-something made by a band called Rage Against The Machine that is also the theme song of IntenseZone. That’s right. It’s PRL’s favorite RATM song, “Guerilla Radio!”

 

::Mr. Boricua plays the intro for “Guerilla Radio”.::

 

Colombian Heat:

Lights Out!

Guerilla Radio!

Turn that (BLEEP) up!

Lights out!

Guerilla Radio!

Turn that (BLEEP) up!

Lights out!

Guerilla Radio!

Turn that (BLEEP) up!

Lights out!

Guerilla Radio!

Turn that (BLEEP) up!

 

Transmission!

Third World War, third round.

A decade of destruction

Sound above ground

Ain’t no shelter if you’re looking for shade

I lick shots in the brutal charade

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Hey Thomas, hand me that book.

 

::Thomas gives Puerto Rican Lightning the book he was using and uses it on himself. He slaps the book repeatly across his head wondering why he ever allowed Heat to sing in the first place. He gets more and more angry as the song continues to be butchered by Heat. Cuban Wall whispers to himself “Just one punch. Just one freaking punch. That’s all it’ll take.” With a psychotic look on his face. He grunts at PRL who doesn’t notice, since he continues to hit the book over his head. He utters to himself “Kill me. Kill me now.” And “WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?” The segment ends with PRL continuing to hit the book over his head, Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez falling asleep, Vitamin X and Thomas Rodriguez both conked out, and Colombian Heat rapping “Guerilla Radio” by Rage Against The Machine while Mr. Boricua plays the song on the kazoo.::

 

COMMERCIALS

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

We come back to JR and Dan Black...

 

BLACK

You may think this little game was a joke on you, JR, but its so much more than that. Its another message to everyone on IntenseZone- everyone in the OAOAST- that I AM THE MAN, and will NOT CROSS ME!

 

JR

Keep your blusterings for the cameras, Dan, it don't impress me much!

 

BLACK

Save the Twain impression, you fat bag of lard. 2004 is going to be a BLACK year, I can feel it. The Rumble, Zero Hour, ANGLEMANIA THREE! Each of these events will bear my mark.

 

JR

I don't think so Black. Things are going to change around here- and the first step will be- SPIDERPOET!

 

BLACK

He's nothing! At BBB I will-

 

JR

Actually, I meant that he's behind you!

 

BLACK

Aww....crap...

 

:: Dan turns slowly, as we cut again...::

Edited December 24, 2003 by Mystery Eskimo

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

::We return to the Lightning Crew dressing room once again as Colombian Heat and Mr. Boricua’s singing and rapping continues. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez is barely awake. Vitamin X is still knocked out. Thomas Rodriguez is staring at the wall. Cuban Wall continues cracking his knuckles and threatening bodily harm on Colombian Heat. “One punch is all it takes. One punch. I can knock him out easily.” Puerto Rican Lightning continues to hit his head with the book, getting more and more angry by the minute. Colombian Heat continues to rap while Mr. Boricua plays the kazoo.

Boricua dances some as does Heat.::

 

Colombian Heat (Singing Badly):

H to the Izz-O

V to the Izz-A

Dkdjfkdjfkd;dl;dfkdlfkd;lk;dfk;lk;ldk;ldkf;dkf;dfk;d

H to the Izz-O

V to the Izz-A

 

That’s the anthem

Get your damn hands up

 

H to the Izz-O

V to the Izz-A

Fdolfdfldfldf;ldjdfl;dkl;dk;dk;dfk;ldk;fdk;kf;dkdkdsk

H to the Izz-O

V to the Izz-A

 

That’s the anthem

Get your damn hands up!

 

That was “H to the Izz-O” by Jay-Z. Thank you all.

 

Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez:

Can we go now?

 

Colombian Heat:

This next song is dedicated to the very man who brought me here today. That’s right, ya’ll. This song is dedicated to the greatest OaOasT North American Champion who ever lived. The greatest Puerto Rican Champion who ever lived. The most electrifying man in professional wrestling! The one. The only. The P.R. Menace. Puerto Rican Lightning!

 

::The crowd boos. PRL looks shy and smiles.::

 

PRL:

Aw, thanks, man. I really appreciate it. But you don’t have to do this.

 

Colombian Heat:

Now Come on!

 

PRL:

No REALLY. You DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS!

 

Colombian Heat:

You’ve done everything for me man. You’re my best friend in the whole wide world.

 

JR:

Why doesn’t Heat see through PRL like we all do?

 

PRL:

Ugh.

 

Colombian Heat:

Ready Boricua. And a 1 and a 2 and a….

 

::Mr. Boricua plays on the kazoo “Know Your Role 2K3 (Hollywood Version)”. PRL has a look of disgust on his face as he Colombian Heat begins singing, badly.::

 

Colombian Heat (to the tune of “Know Your Role 2K3 (Hollywood Version)”:

PRL

Puerto Rican Lightning

Rules

He rules the school

PRL

Puerto Rican Lightning

Is the best

The best in the whole world

 

PRL

Puerto Rican Lightning

Is Great

He is awesome

PRL

Puerto Rican Lightning

Is the greatest wrestler of all time!

 

Yes

PRL

Puerto Rican Lightning

There is no one else

Better than him

 

PRL

Puerto Rican Lightning

Is the most electrifying

 

PRL

Puerto Rican Lightning

Has the greatest moves ever invented

Like the Puerto Rico Elbow

The P.R. Nightmare

And the FU Elbow Drop!

 

PRL!

PRL!

PRL!

PRL!

PRL!

PRL!

PRL!

PRL!

PRL!

 

::Finally, with the crowd laughing, Puerto Rican Lightning stands up from the sofa and starts shoving Mr. Boricua and Colombian Heat out of the room.::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Alright that does it! Heat! Boricua! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out of here! You two, OUT! GET OUT NOW!

 

Colombian Heat (worried):

What? What? What’s going on? Come on, man. I thought you like it. Relax man, you don’t like it. It’s okay. I’ll just play the Lightning Crew theme song. Hit it Boricua!

 

::Mr. Boricua begins to play the opening for “No Chance In Hell” by Lloyd & Boyd. The crowd laughs at the kazoo playing Boricua. PRL has a look of disgust on his face. Colombian Heat starts jumping up and down as he begins rapping.::

 

Colombian Heat:

No Chance

That’s what ya got.

 

Mr. Boricua:

Ha, ha, ha, Yeah.

 

Colombian Heat:

We’re up against no machine too strong.

Pussy politicians buying souls for us are…

 

Mr. Boricua:

PUPPETS!

 

Colombian Heat:

PUPPETS!

But will

Find their place

In line

But tie a string around your finger now boy cuz

Cuz it’s just a matter of time

Cuz you’ve got

 

NO CHANCE!

 

Mr. Boricua:

You got no chance.

 

Colombian Heat:

No Chance In Hell!

You’ve got no chance!

No Chance In Hell!

You’ve got no chance!

 

Mr. Boricua:

Got no chance.

 

Colombian Heat:

No Chance In Hell!

You’ve got

No Chance!

No Chance In Hell!

 

Come on, Come on

Come and get it!

Come on!

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

THAT DOES IT!!! YOU HAVE SUNG 489 SONGS IN 44,000 HOURS!!! I’VE HAD ALL I CAN TAKE! GET OUT AND GET OUT NOW!!!

 

Colombian Heat:

Okay. Okay. Geez, way to be a party pooper, P.R.

 

PRL shoves Mr. Boricua and Colombian Heat out of the door. Mr. Boricua stands up to PRL and grunts. He refuses to leave. Colombian Heat pats Boricua on the back.

 

Heat:

Let’s go Boricua. Apparently, PRL is in a bad mood today for some reason. Could it have to do with someone whose name rhymes with RAPPA?

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

OUT!!! OUT!!!! O-U-T!!!! OUT!!! OUT!!! OUT!!!!!!!

 

::The crowd laughs then boos. Colombian Heat and Mr. Boricua leave the dressing room as PRL slams the door. PRL grunts and hugs Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez.::

 

Cuban Wall:

You did the right thing P.R.! AND STAY OUT, HEAT!

 

::The rest of the Lightning Crew are knocked out. “P.R. SUCKS!” chants begin again. Suddenly, Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez’s cell phone starts ringing.::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

The nerve of some people.

 

Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez (on the cell phone):

Hello? Yeah…Really? That’s great! Excellent. It’s here now! In the parking lot? Okay. Leave it right there. I’m going to the parking lot right now. Yes, he is here with me. Okay. Thank you so much. Bye.

 

Cuban Wall:

It’s here?

 

Lindsay:

Yup.

 

::Lindsay Hangs up the phone::

 

Lindsay:

P.R., you will NOT believe what we have waiting for you in the parking lot!

 

PRL:

Is it a way to not fight The Mad Cappa this Sunday?

 

Lindsay:

No. But it’s the next best thing. Trust me. You will like it. The Lightning Crew all put money together to buy you a great Christmas gift. You will thank us once you see it.

 

PRL:

What in the world are you talking about?

 

Wall:

Just come with us. It will all make sense in the end. Come on let’s go. Trust me, you will LOVE what we got you.

 

PRL:

What about Thom and X?

 

Lindsay:

They’ll be okay.

 

::Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez grabs Puerto Rican Lightning by his right hand and leads him out the door with Cuban Wall following suit. The door shuts with Vitamin X still unconscious and Thomas Rodriguez sleeping on one of the sofas. The crowd is left in awe wondering what will happen next.::

 

COMMERCIALS

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

Back outside, where Dan Black and SpiderPoet are nose to nose, eyes blazing...

 

POET

Same old same old, eh Dan? Bullying Jim Ross when everyone knows the real object of your anger is ME.

 

BLACK

You flatter yourself, Petey. I don't feel anger towards you. Just disappointment that my nice new title got hijacked by a low life like you. This new title was supposed to be for the most exciting OAOAST athletes! Those who could put on heart pounding, blood letting matches! Hence, Adrenalin Title! With you holding it, it may as well be the Comatose with Boredom Title.

 

POET

Anglemania II, Stairway to Oblivion, that was boring to you? Double Tables match, you snored your way through that? Face it Dan, this title is with the PERFECT man for excitement.

 

BLACK

In a way, you're right. Because this sunday, there'll be plenty of excitement. Unfortunately for you, you'll only be causing it by the fans wondering just how much blood one man can lose in a match. You and I go back away, and I've seen you at your best and your worst. I know how to beat you, and you will NOT walk away with MY title.

 

POET

You know, I almost respect you, Dan. Almost, for all your achievements before you turned into this bitter, twisted man I see today. So, I would almost say you had a chance at BBB....almost. See you in the cage.

 

Dan snorts, turns and walks away. Poet helps up Jesse and JR.

 

JR

Thankyou, SpiderPoet...I hope you kick his ass! We're almost out of time on this special edition of IntenseZone, thanks to Poet I've avoided getting my ass kicked, that's a pretty great christmas present! To all of you out there, a very merry christmas! Hey- there's something going on over there!

Edited December 24, 2003 by Mystery Eskimo

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

::The camera cuts around to the otherside of the parking lot. The crowd is in awe for a few seconds, but once Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez, Cuban Wall, and Puerto Rican Lightning show up on screen, the booing begins. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez drags PRL by his right arm through the parking lot with Wall following suit.::

 

Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez:

Okay. Okay. It should be here by now. Okay. Trust me, PRL. You will like this. This is a great gift we got you, to show you how much you mean to us in the Lightning Crew.

 

Cuban Wall:

Boss, this is a great gift. One of a kind. You will love it. I promise you.

 

Lindsay:

A lot of work went into making this gift. And we hope you are proud of it.

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

What is it? I can’t wait.

 

Lindsay:

Okay. Here it is. Merry Christmas Puerto Rican Lightning!

 

::Puerto Rican Lightning looks around, and when he finds the present, his jaw drops. He jumps up and down and kisses Lindsay and even Cuban Wall, who wipes his face in disgust.::

 

JR:

Well, what did he get?

 

::The camera turns around to reveal PRL’s big Christmas gift. The crowd is in shock. PRL’s gift is a red, blue, and orange low rider. Red on the left, blue in the middle, and orange on the right. On the front of the car is the official Lightning Crew logo. The car features spinning 20 inch rims, a gold steering wheel, red white and orange windshield wipers, a massive stereo system in the trunk, and a Lightning Crew air freshener. The car also has huge headlights and a giant red bow on it, which PRL removes. The crowd boos that PRL got such a nice car. Lightning hugs Lindsay once again and acts giddy like a schoolgirl. “P.R. SUCKS!” chants follow.::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning (Hyper):

I can’t believe it! I can’t believe it! I can’t believe it! THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU ALL! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! WOOO-HOOO!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE I GOT SUCH A GREAT CHRISTMAS GIFT. Well, actually I can, but I can’t believe it happened this fast. THANK YOU LIGHTNING CREW!!! Hey, Wall, does, does it bounce?

 

Cuban Wall:

Sure.

 

::Wall presses a button next to the steering wheel, and the low rider starts to bounce up and down. PRL giggles like crazy.::

 

PRL:

Wow! 20-Inch Rims. Now I look like a Rap Superstar! I-I-I-I can’t thank you enough!

 

Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez:

We had this low rider personalized just for you.

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Aw, shucks guys. Thanks so much. This is mine! ALL MINE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! Seriously, I will let only one other person drive it. And that person…. is CUBAN WALL!

 

Cuban Wall:

Thanks boss. I will be sure to treat it well whenever I get the keys.

 

PRL:

You deserve it man. From now on, this low rider is the OFFICIAL Transportation device for the Lightning Crew. I dubbed thee The Lightning Crew Mobile. We will be traveling city from city on it, and showing all these pieces of trailer-park trash what they can’t have! HAHAHA! Damn I’m good.

 

::Puerto Rican Lightning opens the door and gets into the car. He is amazed at how soft the cushions are.::

 

PRL:

Wow. Great.

 

::Puerto Rican Lightning tries the windshield wipers and the radio which is quite loud. PRL jumps up and down in the low rider with Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez and Cuban Wall looking on with smiles on their faces. PRL stands up in the low rider with a smile on his face.::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

Hey Linds. Wall. You know that movie Titanic with Leonardo Di Caprio? Well, to steal a phrase: “I’M KING OF THE WORLDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”

 

::Suddenly, a man dressed as Santa Claus comes to the parking lot. “Santa” is wearing the usual Santa Claus costume and is carrying a red bag. He walks around the parking lot wishing Merry Christmas to passerby’s, and gives sugar canes to some. PRL, Cuban Wall, and Lindsay look on in disbelief wondering why Santa Claus would be in a parking lot. PRL has an odd stare on his face as “Santa” comes up to the Lightning Crew members.::

 

“Santa Claus”:

Ho! Ho! Ho! ::Looks at Lindsay:: HO! Merry Christmas, ya’ll! Look at what we have here. Three members of the Lightning Crew. Now according to Santa’s list, you all have been very naughty this year. Now, Santa should be sending you a lump of coal this year, but instead, since Santa is such a generous guy, he will be giving you gifts.

 

::PRL stares at “Santa” with an odd look on his face. “Santa Claus” removes some items out of his bag.::

 

“Santa”:

Now first for Cuban Wall, here’s your present. Here’s a lollipop fill with lint. I would give you an actual lollipop, but you haven’t been good enough to deserve one.

 

::”Santa” pulls something else out of his bag. Lindsay Gonzalez stares at “Santa” also.::

 

“Santa”:

Now, for Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez. I have for you…birth control pills. Because since you are such a Ho, Ho, HO!, Santa figured that you need these.

 

::The crowd pops loudly as Lindsay drops the birth control pills on the floor. Wall and PRL become furious while the crowd chants “SLUT! SLUT! SLUT! SLUT! SLUT!”::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

All right! Just who the hell are you?!?!

 

“Santa Claus”:

Puerto Rican Lightning. You are #1 on Santa’s list. Santa just so happens to have a gift for you sent by…let’s just say an old friend. Here you go, P.R. Happy Holidays! Ho! Ho! Ho!

 

::Puerto Rican Lightning receives a green box with a red bow on top of it. The crowd buzzes in anticipation as to what is inside the box. PRL hesistates but opens the box. He grabs what’s inside and freaks out as soon as he sees the gift. Cuban Wall and Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez freak out also. The gift inside the green box was a wax head made to look like Puerto Rican Lightning. The head is decapitated from the body, which is made noticeable by the red around the neck and the fake blood dripping from beneath the wax head. The PRL wax head looks dead with x’s across the eyes.::

 

JR:

THAT’S MUST BE FROM THE MAD CAPPA! THE MAD CAPPA HAS SENT PRL A MESSAGE!!!

 

::Suddenly, “Santa Claus” gives Puerto Rican Lightning the BUST A CAP! PRL does the Rock oversell on the concrete. The crowd pops loudly knowing who Santa really is. And they are right, as “Santa” removes his hat, beard, and jacket…. to reveal THE MAD CAPPA.::

 

JR:

IT’S MAD CAPPA! THE MAD CAPPA IS IN THE BUILDING! GO GET HIM CAPPA! GET PRL!!!

 

::The crowd is cheering loudly. Cuban Wall goes after Cappa, but receives a low blow. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez stands still screaming for PRL and urging for someone to help him. Cappa beats on Wall some more then picks up PRL and beats on him with the crowd 100% behind him.::

 

JR:

THE MAD CAPPA TEARING INTO PRL 5 DAYS BEFORE THEIR NA TITLE MATCH AT BLOODY, BATTERED, AND BEATEN!!!

 

The Mad Cappa whips PRL into a garage door. He follows with the IMPACT on the concrete. The Mad Cappa picks up the dazed Puerto Rican Lightning, and continues beating on him laying lefts and rights. He slams Lightning’s head onto a car, and then does it again onto another car. He then whips PRL into another car.

 

Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez:

Oh God! Will somebody please help him? Will somebody help P.R.?

Help! Somebody Help!

 

The Mad Cappa gives PRL another BUST A CAP to another loud pop. The Mad Cappa flips PRL the middle finger, then whips him into a table. Cappa drags PRL through the table knocking down plates, food, and other items. The crowd cheers loudly as Cappa gets on top of the table, with Puerto Rican Lightning.

 

JR:

IS CAPPA GOING TO DO WHAT I THINK HE IS GOING TO DO? HE IS NOT! HE IS NOT GOINGTO SEND PRL THROUGH THE TABLE IS HE?

 

The crowd buzzes in anticipation. Cuban Wall is lying on the concrete struggling to get up. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez is screaming for Help. The Mad Cappa picks up Puerto Rican Lightning and puts him in a Piledriver position. The Mad Cappa signals to the crowd, then, drives Puerto Rican Lightning through the table with a Piledriver to the roars of the crowd.

 

JR:

THE MAD CAPPA HAS JUST DROVE PRL STRAIGHT TO HELL! BAWD GAWD WHAT A MOVE! WHAT AN INCREDIBLE MOVE FROM THE MAD CAPPA! THIS FEUD HAS BROUGHT OUT THE VICIOUSNESS IN BOTH MEN, AND NO DOUBT THAT VICIOUSNESS WILL BE ON DISPLAY THIS SUNDAY AT BLOODY, BATTERED, AND BEATEN WHERE PUERTO RICAN LIGHTNING AND THE MAD CAPPA MEET ONE-ON-ONE IN THE RING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 7 MONTHS!

 

::The crowd is chanting “Cap-pa! Cap-pa! Cap-pa! Cap-pa!”. The Mad Cappa poses then spits onto an unconscious PRL.::

 

The Mad Cappa:

Merry Christmas Puerto Rican Lightning!

 

::The Mad Cappa leaves the parking lot just as Cuban Wall gets up. The crowd is buzzing, chanting “Cap-pa! Cap-pa! Cap-pa! Cap-pa!” Tha Puerto Rican is still knocked out from the Piledriver and is lying on the concrete next to broken pieces of the table. Cuban Wall and Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez go to check on Lightning and try to wake him up.::

 

Cuban Wall:

PRL. Wake up. PRL. Wake up!

 

Lindsay:

Come on, baby! Wake up for me. Wake up for me please!

 

Wall:

Wake up boss! Wake up!

 

Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez:

Will somebody get an ambulance?

 

JR:

PUERTO RICAN LIGHTNING HAS BEEN DEALT A HEAVY BLOW GOING INTO BLOODY, BATTERED, AND BEATEN. I TRULY BELIEVE THAT THE MAD CAPPA HAS THE PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVANTAGE GOING INTO THE PAY-PER-VIEW! THIS SUNDAY, THESE TWO MEN WILL MEET IN THE RING FOR PRL’S NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP! IF PRL REFUSES TO COMPETE, HE IS BARRED FROM THE OAOAST FOR LIFE! WHAT WILL HAPPEN? WILL THE MAD CAPPA GET WHAT HE DESERVES? WILL PRL GET HIS COMEUPPANCE? WILL THE MAD CAPPA BECOME VICTORIOUS? OR WILL PRL SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY RETAIN THE NA TITLE? ORDER BLOODY, BATTERED, AND BEATEN THIS SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28th TO FIND OUT!!!

 

::The last image is of Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez and Cuban Wall checking up on Puerto Rican Lightning. Still unconscious. Still lying on top of shards of wood that used to be a table. Food, plates, and various items are scattered across the parking lot. A medical personnel comes to the scene to check on Puerto Rican Lightning.::

 

::FADE TO BLACK::

 

::Cut to images of Puerto Rican Lightning and The Mad Cappa fightning to the tune of Marylin Manson's "Fight Song"::

 

Narrator:

For 7 months, he has waited for this moment.

 

Mad Cappa (V.O.):

At Bloody, Battered, and Beaten, you will suffer a Cappa nightmare!

 

Narrator:

He has been avoiding this moment for 7 months.

 

::Clips of the numerous clips of PRL running away from Cappa.::

 

PRL:

I AM NOT AFRAID OF THE MAD CAPPA!!!

 

::Clips of PRL and Cappa fightning each other are shown.::

 

Narrator:

Now. Two young superstars with an undying hatred for each other will go head-to-head for the OaOasT North American Championship!

 

Stephen Joseph (V.O.):

If Puerto Rican Lightning refuses to compete at Bloody, Battered, and Beaten for any reason, other than a legitimate injury, PRL will be barred from the OaOasT 4-Life.

 

::Cut to a closeup of Puerto Rican Lightning.::

 

Narrator:

Puerto Rican Lightning.

 

::Cut to a closeup of The Mad Cappa posing on the turnbuckle working the crowd up with a smile on his face.::

 

Narrator:

The Mad Cappa.

 

::More PRL/Cappa clips are shown.::

 

Narrator:

For the OaOasT North American Championship.

 

::Clips of the Lightning Crew nearly crippling The Mad Cappa on the May 27th edition of IntenseZone.::

 

Puerto Rican Lightning:

I WILL CRIPPLE YOUR ASS AT BLOODY, BATTERED, AND BEATEN! I WILL GET THE JOB DONE!!!

 

The Mad Cappa:

I will walk out of Bloody, Battered, and Beaten the NEW OaOasT North American Champion!

 

::The Bloody, Battered, And Beaten logo shows up on the screen along with the IntenseZone and HeldDown logos. The info for the pay-per-view is shown on screen as "Fight Song" by Marylin Manson comes to an end.::

 

Narrator:

IntenseZone and HeldDown present: OaOasT Bloody, Battered, and Beaten. Sunday December 28th at 8 p.m. Live only on pay-per-view. Call your local cable or satelite operator to order now!

 

FADE TO BLACK

Edited December 24, 2003 by Mystery Eskimo

[Mystery Eskimo 0]

Christmas Credits

 

Mystery Eskimo

PRL

La Parka

SpiderPoet

 

and the original writers of the past matches, whoever they may be.