Last Saturdays Velocity

[Tawren 0]

What was on Velocity on Saturday? I didn't catch it and can't find any recaps anywhere.

[Guest Max Peter David]

Velocity last week = Afterburn.

[Tawren 0]

Ah, good. Then I missed nothing.

[OldSchoolWrestling 0]

from 1wrestling.com

 

THE VELOCITY REPORT

 

by Matt Zylbert Updated: 12/28/2003 9:45:14 PM

 

 

WWE Velocity

Hosted by Josh Mathews and Bill DeMott

Report by Matt Zylbert - [email protected]

 

Missed me last week? Of course you did. My explanation? More VCR problems. Now having started this week's 'five-star' Velocity Report after I found out my Bengals lost today to Cleveland, thus eliminating them from the play-offs, I'm not in the greatest of moods, especially since one, we still haven't made the play-offs since 1990, and two, I kept guaranteeing that the Bengals would make the play-offs all year, and ultimately, the Super Bowl. Guess that won't happen. With that said, and knowing I'm in a bad mood, let's skip the usual intro. Blah blah, I'm Matt Zylbert, blah blah, and THIS is the 'five-star' 1Wrestling.com Velocity Report blah blah blah. There ya go. And for the first time ever, I can no longer send it down to our buddy TONY THE CHIM for our first contest... because there's no matches. Wow, in my four-plus years doing Velocity/Jakked/Metal, I never thought I'd have to recap a recap show.

 

Before the always-great Velocity intro, we get to hear the National Anthem, as sung from this past week's Smackdown: Christmas in Baghdad.

 

From the WWE Studio, aka home of Confidential, Afterburn, Bottom Line (Marc Loyd's show!!!), and formerly Excess, Josh and Bill welcome us to this SPECIAL edition of Velocity, and intro the opening segment from Smackdown, featuring Vince McMahon pretty much breaking character by thanking the troops for all they've done, only to be interrupted by Santa Claus. Santa goes into the crowd to chuck shirts to the troops, before being called into the ring by VKM himself. Vincent is distraught that Santa didn't deliver him any presents, so as a result, whacks him from behind with a CLUBBY blow. We then find out that it was Stone Cold Steve Austin the whole time, and Vince gets a Stunner for his troubles. Too bad Vince didn't bring Savio Vega with him. HE knows how to take a beating from Xanta... err, Santa Claus.

 

A highlights package airs showing how the ring was set-up. I remember they used to sometimes show highlights of the crew building the old steel cage, and time their performance. I forget what the best time was, though.

 

Commercial

 

SLAM of the Week: From Smackdown, Bradshaw shilacks Charlie Haas with the Clothesline from Hell, resulting in a three count for the APA.

 

Bill DeMott uses this time to thank his brother-in-law, Victor, for helping overseas, but sadly, does not talk about his mother Ellis (Or is it Alice?). I say that because over the past few weeks, he or Josh has always managed to mention her in one way or another. As a teaser for Velocity, TUNE IN NEXT WEEK... to find out more about Ellis DeMott! Or maybe we'll discover his father's name. Anyway, Bill and Josh intro a highlights package of the superstars interacting with the troops.

 

Commercial

 

Back from break, Josh hughmorrusly tries to exchange two $5 Iraq bills for one $10 American bill, but Bill declines, not knowing the value. Good idea. They then intro the Eddie Guerrero/Chris Benoit match from Smackdown, which saw Eddie defeat his rival in cheating-fashion. Afterwards, Eddie and Benoit raise hands. One thing I learned during this match was that referee Jimmy Korderes is Canadian. I never knew that.

 

More clips of the superstars with the troops airs.

 

Hey, no DEMOTT'S TURNING POINT~! tonight? Call 911, I've been robbed 150 seconds of brilliant points!

 

Commercial

 

Boot of the Week: From Smackdown, after giving Rhyno a Stink Face, sore-winner Rikishi dances with two of the troops. I see Rhyno's being squashed in Iraq too.

 

"Yeahh, who's your bagh-dad?!" says Josh to welcome us back from break. Josh, I still think your WWE's elite play-by-play man, but stealing lines from a guy who wonders how you "Shuffle your Johnson" on Velocity is unncessary. Heh, that still makes me laugh. Josh and Bill intro the John Cena rap, which was pretty good. However, if anyone is to hold a "Best John Cena Rap of 2003" award, listen to the one where John Cena proclaims Velocity to be the best show on television. I can never say enough good things about that.

 

We then see the John Cena/Big Show match, in which Cena won with the F-U. By the way, how come they didn't tape any matches for Velocity over in Iraq? They could've had three matches: let Big Show squash Rikishi, John Cena beat Rhyno, and the World's Greatest Tag Team could've had a great match with Eddie and Benoit.

 

More highlights are shown of the superstars with the troops.

 

Commercial

 

Highlights of Vince McMahon being on several news shows this week is shown.

 

In another highlights package, Major Newlander and Sgt. Palmer explain to the superstars what to do in case of an attack. I got an idea, just let Velocity superstar Rhyno gore the enemies to death.

 

Josh, who's wearing a helmet, and Bill welcome us back, as Josh explains how he didn't know how an army helmet could be so heavy. He hurts his hand hitting it (Besides that being a tongue-twister, maybe that's why he wasn't signed as a wrestler), before introducing the first-ever Santa's Little Helper contest featuring Torrie, Dawn Marie, and Sable. Torrie won, and then cleaned house. The only highlight here was that they played the old Val Venis pre-match music that they always used to play on Jakked/Metal during this contest. Brought back great memories. And I'm kidding, of course. I love Torrie and Dawn. Not really Sable.

 

Highlights are presented of the superstars learning how to use a gun. Vince may not want to be near Rhyno during this whole process.

 

Commercial

 

Back from a commercial, Josh and Bill intro us to the final Smackdown recap of the night, that being the segment where everyone breaks character and gets along. Unless: I didn't know Torrie forgave Dawn for killing her father, as evident by them holding hands. I didn't know Shelton Benjamin was friends with the APA, as evident by how he stood with them and not with Haas. I didn't know Rhyno and Benoit were friends again, as evident by how they stood next to each other. The conclusion of all this is Big Show getting another Stunner, and that's that.

 

Before ending the show, Josh announces a Cruiserweight Title match will be taking place on Smackdown this week, as Tajiri defends his title against Rey Mysterio. Wow, breaking news on Velocity! Josh and Bill then thank us for watching this SPECIAL edition of Velocity, and that's all she wrote.

 

We also see that concluding highlights package that summed up the WWE's trip to Iraq.

 

I've heard a lot of different thoughts about Smackdown in Baghdad this week, from "it was a great show, the troops deserved it" to "who cares about the troops? I expected better wrestling." I'm more towards the middle. What Vince McMahon and the WWE did for the troops was a really tremendous act, and for that they deserve a lot of credit. As a result, I didn't expect any great matches or anything, and was just amazed by the whole scene and atmosphere. The only thing I didn't like was how they constantly showed highlights of the superstars breaking character, including the end, and how are they going to explain Steve Austin's return? Week after week, they present storylines and try to make it seem as if it is real, but to have all the superstars getting along and breaking character on the exact timeslot, it kind of ruins the feeling that most viewers want to have. What they should have done is saved all those clips for Confidential, as that's its purpose. You show behind-the-scenes highlights on a behind-the-scenes show, not a main show.

 

As far as Velocity goes, I didn't really expect anything more than highlights, as this was a total throwaway show. Remember how I say that every episode of Velocity is great every week? Not this one. A new streak starts next week. Before I go, let me remind you that the special Outside the Box column announcing the Velocity Award Winners will be up later. You, the readers, have been sending in your votes all week, and I thank you for that. Some pretty surprising winners, including a tie... in two categories. Very weird. I'll see ya later tonight or tomorrow morning for that, but until then, peeeeaaaaace.

 

And screw the NFL play-offs, we all know my Bengals we're gonna go all the way.

 

Matt Zylbert is still pissed about the Bengals' play-off elimination, and vows to one day find Ray Lewis and punch him in the face. He also vows that he will respond to all your e-mail, which can be sent to [email protected].