your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 3/4/2004!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

12 o Schlitz. Et love in my heart pour vous....

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Stone Cold Brock Lesnar! Brock is all jovial and stuff. Brock says "Steve" a whole lot- as if Brock is selling Steve Austin a car. GOLDBERG IS NEXT! Brock steals Arn's "nekkid without the belt" concept. Match down yonder. Brock chugs beer and rides off. I think he is drinking pussy-ass Lite beer just like Stone Cold. I'm drinking Schlitz- the Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous. Nobody will EVER write a song about Lite beer as cool as "What Made Milwaukee Famous Has Made A Loser Out Of Me." I should always drink Schlitz because if you can't base your life on Jerry Lee Lewis songs, what's the fucking use of being an American? Tell ME, motherfucker. Go ahead, motherfucker. Tell ME.

 

- Kurt Angle is in Pittsburgh. They show a video package on the Eddy vs Angle fued and our collective WrestleDick is packin the woodrow. Evil Angle is so great. HE SPEAKS! THERE IS A POISON! FUCK YEAH OUR ATHLETES ARE FUCKING DISGRACES! YEAH! FUCK EDDY! INNOCENT PEOPLE WILL GET HURT! A leopard DOESN'T change it's spots! I HAVE CHILDREN! I WOULDN'T WANT THEM TO ACT LIKE EDDY! JUMPING OFF STUFF! SUPLEXING PEOPLE! MAYBE III SHOULDN'T CHEER FOR A MAN WHO TELLS MY CHILDREN TO LIE AND CHEAT AND STEAL! DAMN SKIPPY, KURT! PEOPLE ARRRE GOOD! IT IS GOOD! HE ISSS FIGHTING FOR THE FUTURE OF THE COMPANY! YOU DON'T! DON'T YOU ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN!

 

- Okay, I might have to go see WALKING TALL. The Rock is so right between Joe Don Baker and Bo Svenson. And I will so watch an episode of GAME OVER.

 

- Funaki against Chavito. Chavo Sr is all pissed off. Chavito bumps big for Funaki aand Funaki punches him in the head. Funaki misses a dropkick and Chavito procures the Abdominal Stretch. "THIS IS A SHENANIGAN!" Fuck right it's a motherfucking shenanigan. A shenanigan if there ever was one. Chavo Senior is motherfucking GOD. Funaki has really great punches and Chavito goes up big for a backdrop. Funaki hits a shitty Bulldog. Funaki with the Steamboat Cross Bodyblock. Senior is on point- making it to the apron before the ref can count. Chavito crushes Funaki's skull and cheats to win. Chavo Senior is still pissed that his boy is getting a raw deal. "NINE TIMES! IT ISN'T FAIR!" Damn straight!

 

- Dawn Marie is wearing some kind of Christmas garland on her dress. She fears Eddy. We go to a commercial. Eddy comes out and the crowd chants his name. Paul E is pissed off about a lot of things. Eddy apologizes and then he makes with the funny and then he does the weekly Eddy shoots on himself for a while. THEN THEY SET UP A TRULY RIDICULOUS MATCH! OH DAH LAY! Heyman plugs Scott Keith's book and they make the STIPS! EDDY! with his hands handcuffed behind his back! VERSUS! PAUL E! Welcome to the goofiest part of Memphis, folks... But it's Eddy so it always works.

 

- Awesome! ULTIMOOOOO DRAGON!!! REY REY! AND....... billy kidman. Tajiri and his boys~! Neato triple dropkick by Random Asian Trio Team- round and round, what comes around goes around.... Rey Rey tags in to save me from premature Kidman induced slumber. UD with the Old School Plancha and then they go hog wild with nearfalls. Jimmy YAng (or whatever he's called these days) takes the Swinging DDT LIKE A FUCKING KING. That was Nitro 1998 Fun.

 

- World's Greatest Tagteam is HI-LArious! Shelton Benjamin was soooo Rankin Roger from the English Beat with that blond wig. APA FUCKS SHEEP! MAKE LOVE AND KNIT A SWEATER AT THE SAME TIME! THAT'S comedy, folks! Fuck yeah, all those Georgia cretins fuck their own sisters! FUCK YEAH! Benjamin is so motherfucking GOLD on the stick. Shelton busts on Florida State! Fucking gator-fuckin' numbskulls! THEIR ACADEMIC RECORD IS SUSPECT! THEY SING! They are going to sing A wingdinger! Oh AWWWWWWWWWWESOME! AWWWWWESOME! WEST TEXAS OUTLAWS~! APA IS CRAP! NUMBER ONE AND THE BEST! And then: Everybody gets in a fight! Shelton throws a BEAUTIFUL lariat. Shelton Benjamin as a West Texas Outlaw is soooo fucking great. He is so great post-ass-stomp busting out the two-step. SHEL-TON! SHEL-TON! SHEL-TON!

 

- CENA's Hershel Walker jersey was awwwesome. I still have my 34 Dallas Cowboy Hershel Walker jersey and I will wear it until it is too ridiculously tight to ever wear. Cena watches American Idol so he loses a thousand cool points. A-Train is back on my TV. Yes. Yes, he is. Cena punches to face to transition and bumps GIGANTOR when A-Train cuts him off. A-train with a nice lariat. Cena sells an assbeating well. A-Train bumps to the floor to let Cena go on offense. We go to a commercial and there is STILL no MicroTouch commercial. They do have one of those anti-smoking commercials that makes me want to actually EAT a pack of cigarrettes. Bowflex is replacing the MicroTouch. I feel as if I am responsible for the lack of the MicroTouch. Sure, it wasn't for me- but maybe there was a guy with hair coming out of neck who needed a MicroTouch. To you, my brother, I apologize. OOP! Wrestling. Cena punches to comeback. A-Train stands on John Cena's head. Cena gets a flashpin off a quick F-U and A-Train is Bob Holly-esque in his Jabronieness. Big Show comes out and talks about his envy of Cena. Big Show talks about Cena's abs and Cena's ability to dream.... An overly poetic Big Show talks of himself as the Giant and his accomplishments in Madison Square Garden. He didn't mention the Yeti moment where he and the Yeti cornholed Hulk Hogan like a prison bitch right in the middle of the ring. THAT would scare Cena. YOU'VE GOT A GIANT PENIS! USE IT!

 

- Paul Heyman is dressed like Ninja! Mike Naimark is STOKED! Eddy has a shitty GMC lowrider. Eddy beats the hell out of Paul E and we all await some kind of run-in. AH! Kurt Angle. You knew it. I knew it. The beatdown is as cool as their Royal Rumble finish- as Eddy does as much as he can to stay away and Angle does as much as he can to make Eddy squirm. Stick these two in a box and they make the most of it. This is COMPLETELY Bill Watts booking. The babyface in a pool of his own blood. The heel strong and dominant. Fucking brilliant.

 

WHAT DIDn'T WORK-

 

- Ah gross. Hardcore Holly. He can't even go up for a Spinebuster right. Brock does the bearhug on the ground that I am falling in love with. Holly throws shitty punches and then takes an ass-beating for a minute. God, Holly doesn't even take the F-5 right. P-U.

 

- Rikishi doesn't wrestle but Scotty 2 Hotty does. Hey, a Basham in a singles match is always better than a Basham in a tag matches. They work a headlock early. Scotty goes shoulder-first into the turnbuckle and Danny starts working on the shoulder and I love that. Danny with the Fujiwara Armbar but Scotty fights out. S2H hits a Superkick which I guess is like RVD using the Frog Splash. Villano 4 and 5 SWITCH and steal the win en lieu of subjecting us to the worm! Hey waitaminnit. This match didn't work.

 

- Oh fuck The Mullets. Hollywood can take my Dixie-fried Pecker and blow it sideways.

 

- No Josh? No Rikishi match? No Sable or Torrie? What about the 40 year old virgins who toast a load over their Final Fantasy X cartridges onto their plush C'thulu dolls? What about them? WHAT ABOUT THEM?@!?!? Why WWE? WHY?!?

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Conspiracy_Victim 0]

DEAN! My heart fills with that manly sort of love you can only feel after winning a Super Bowl or reading a Workrate Report. So happy. No I'm not crying, there's just something in my eye.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DEAN! My heart fills with that manly sort of love you can only feel after winning a Super Bowl or reading a Workrate Report. So happy. No I'm not crying, there's just something in my eye.

I... I... I cannot contain my love for you....

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

I hope you all fucking get AIDS. Seriously. I mean, you all got to watch your little SmackDown, which sounds like it was fucking great, and you know what I was stuck with? Huh? Do ya? SPRING TRAINING FOR THE FUCKING RED SOX. I hope you all die of gonorhea and rot in hell, now LACES OUT!

[AndrewTS 0]

No Josh? No Rikishi match? No Sable or Torrie? What about the 40 year old virgins who toast a load over their Final Fantasy X cartridges onto their plush C'thulu dolls? What about them? WHAT ABOUT THEM?@!?!? Why WWE? WHY?!?

 

Despite your awesomeness, DEAN, you're a tad out of touch there.

 

Besides, they're more into creepy CGI Japanese chicks who dress like schoolgirls than Sable or Torrie.

 

- Dawn Marie is wearing some kind of Christmas garland on her dress. She fears Eddy. We go to a commercial. Eddy comes out and the crowd chants his name. Paul E is pissed off about a lot of things. Eddy apologizes and then he makes with the funny and then he does the weekly Eddy shoots on himself for a while. THEN THEY SET UP A TRULY RIDICULOUS MATCH! OH DAH LAY! Heyman plugs Scott Keith's book and they make the STIPS! EDDY! with his hands handcuffed behind his back! VERSUS! PAUL E! Welcome to the goofiest part of Memphis, folks... But it's Eddy so it always works.

 

Don't forget the "designed just for wrestlers" cuffs for mofos with wide shoulders. Or do those kinds of handcuffs come from places where they sell nasty stuff? Tell me, DEAN?

 

 

He didn't mention the Yeti moment where he and the Yeti cornholed Hulk Hogan like a prison bitch right in the middle of the ring. THAT would scare Cena. YOU'VE GOT A GIANT PENIS! USE IT!

 

That actually came up the other night when I was BSing with some friends. Screw that hype about Kane being the first wrestling necrophiliac--Hogan was dry-humped by a damn mummy!

 

- World's Greatest Tagteam is HI-LArious! Shelton Benjamin was soooo Rankin Roger from the English Beat with that blond wig. APA FUCKS SHEEP! MAKE LOVE AND KNIT A SWEATER AT THE SAME TIME! THAT'S comedy, folks! Fuck yeah, all those Georgia cretins fuck their own sisters! FUCK YEAH! Benjamin is so motherfucking GOLD on the stick. Shelton busts on Florida State! Fucking gator-fuckin' numbskulls! THEIR ACADEMIC RECORD IS SUSPECT! THEY SING! They are going to sing A wingdinger! Oh AWWWWWWWWWWESOME! AWWWWWESOME! WEST TEXAS OUTLAWS~! APA IS CRAP! NUMBER ONE AND THE BEST! And then: Everybody gets in a fight! Shelton throws a BEAUTIFUL lariat. Shelton Benjamin as a West Texas Outlaw is soooo fucking great. He is so great post-ass-stomp busting out the two-step. SHEL-TON! SHEL-TON! SHEL-TON!

 

To all those who said WGTT shouldn't get pushed because this is SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT and they need to know how to talk, EAT IT! EAT IT, MOTHERFUCKERS! I can't quite picture Shelton getting Bradshaw's rookie treatment, he's too much man for that. Hell no, if there was anything going on there, Bradshaw would be the one bent over a freshly-oiled saddle.

 

- Paul Heyman is dressed like Ninja! Mike Naimark is STOKED! Eddy has a shitty GMC lowrider. Eddy beats the hell out of Paul E and we all await some kind of run-in. AH! Kurt Angle. You knew it. I knew it. The beatdown is as cool as their Royal Rumble finish- as Eddy does as much as he can to stay away and Angle does as much as he can to make Eddy squirm. Stick these two in a box and they make the most of it. This is COMPLETELY Bill Watts booking. The babyface in a pool of his own blood. The heel strong and dominant. Fucking brilliant.

 

Finally Angle's a heel where you can call him "damn, that's a scary guy." I'm kinda surprised Angle didn't go into insano Shamrock mode and Anklelock Eddy but good, but it's still good.

 

Although the "for your own good" character is finally bringing the best of Angle's abilities to the forefront.

[thecitythesky 0]

excellent. as always... and if you think Schlitz is cheap everywhere else. imagine how cheap it is in the city it made famous. they might as well pump though my faucet.

 

 

And what a lame ass pre-emption... if only you could've had the Red Sox to pre-empt RAW.

 

 

 

ps... if a ten ton truck....

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

No Josh? No Rikishi match? No Sable or Torrie? What about the 40 year old virgins who toast a load over their Final Fantasy X cartridges onto their plush C'thulu dolls? What about them? WHAT ABOUT THEM?@!?!? Why WWE? WHY?!?

 

Despite your awesomeness, DEAN, you're a tad out of touch there.

DISCS! I SPELLED DISCS WRONG! I....... I...... I..... Ah crap.

 

DEAN. Played River Raid when it first came oot.

[Brett Favre 0]

I'm scared of Angle. He's like a violent Jesus.

[MarvinisaLunatic 0]

I hope you all fucking get AIDS. Seriously. I mean, you all got to watch your little SmackDown, which sounds like it was fucking great, and you know what I was stuck with? Huh? Do ya? SPRING TRAINING FOR THE FUCKING RED SOX. I hope you all die of gonorhea and rot in hell, now LACES OUT!

The Ace Ventura reference is noted.

 

Now, I have about 18 hours between the time I finish watching smackdown and the time Smackdown ends officially on the East Coast. Damnit, I could write a review of Smackdown each week and it wouldnt even come close to what Dean manages to come out with in probably a bit over 2 hours.

[AndrewTS 0]

No Josh? No Rikishi match? No Sable or Torrie? What about the 40 year old virgins who toast a load over their Final Fantasy X cartridges onto their plush C'thulu dolls? What about them? WHAT ABOUT THEM?@!?!? Why WWE? WHY?!?

 

Despite your awesomeness, DEAN, you're a tad out of touch there.

DISCS! I SPELLED DISCS WRONG! I....... I...... I..... Ah crap.

 

DEAN. Played River Raid when it first came oot.

The worst part about that sort is the guys the closeted ones gush over. Do they wank over real men like the Contra mofos? Hell no, they gush over those silver and spiky-haired twinks, which they call "bishonen." Can't they even be man enough to go for manly men?

[Guest Nater]

Eddy just wouldnt break, you could beat him and leave him.. but you cant break him.

 

Angle's a menacing force and looks to be eatting 2 packs of cigarettes a day.