your MIGHTY WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT-5/6/04!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I was watching the end of GAMERA:GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE with my 4 year old and I realized it was after 8! Oh well. She's far more adorable than you are so suck it up and just tell me what I missed. I'm assuming they will show it again what happened Eddy's mom. I'm low on booze and late out the shoot. Don't tell me you watched the final episode of FRIENDS when you could watch.... uh.... this. Baron resumes next week.

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Touching the mom angle was SOOOOOO motherfucking great. WWE is REALLY shooting for MidSouth 1981 knifed in the back by a fan level of heat. I'm all about it. Is there a Guerrerro in the entire family that can't generate a volcano of heat?

 

- CENA goes jingo and Tuscon loves it. CENA calls the Bashams a couple of incestuous fannyhumpers. The velvet pants rule. OVW versus OVW and it's pretty lowgrade. Cena hits a nice lariat in there somewhere. The lack of a Jay Shroeder throwback almost threw this perfectly mediocre match down yonder. Velvet pants saves the listless bacon. Fuck it. Nothing else is going to work. I'll create the reasons. Many must die so that Cena versus Basham may live.....

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

 

- Fucking Bowflex. I refuse to give their commercial a break until they get a girl with a healthy BUTT flexin and bowin the POWER ROD! Whatever. It would have to become a cross between the Taster's Choice series and pantynuns.com with gym porn mixed in for me to like their hideous commercials. Motherfuckers. I'd rather use Trojan condoms.

 

- Booker T is forced to reenact an outtake from Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood. This is horrible. So awesomely horrible that it may actually get to the SULLLLIVAN! SULLLIVAN! THERE ARE NO HULKAMANIACS IN HERE! THIS WATER... IT'S IT'S NOT HOT! YES FATHAH! YES FATHAH! The accent of our voodoo lady tends to go from Cajun to Eastern Marylander quite a bit. I have SUCH high hopes for the possible shittiness of these vignettes. Yes.... bring me the shittinesssssss....

 

- CHAVO CLASSIC~! AWWWWWEEESOME! This doesn't work because I can no longer even TRY to imagine what could POSSIBLY make me think about anything else. CHAVO CLASSIC is there to support his son and I await the crappiness of the international challenge. Jackie does have a better lariat than any male in the back. NEW CHAVO tells Jackie to either suck his dick or make him a sammich! Miss Texas smacks him and it's all about recycling Memphis angles. Jackie's giant titties give her way to much momentum on the armdrags. NEW CHAVO is soooo a fucking great rudo in this- taking the rana like Angel Mortal carrying Dennkis in AAA. Jackie cheats to win! HEY! I don't have to make up reasons for shit to end up down here. NEW CHAVO yells, "She hit me in the balls!" CHAVO CLASSIC is enraged.

 

- MicroSoft's SECRET is the blade that cuts hair but NOT SKIN! I can only wonder how many trial runs they had until they got to THAT secret. "Well. I shaving my ass hair and THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW....!" Lawsuits and weeping. Sitting and oozing. Thinking and drinking.

 

- FBI in the ring. Angle and Horshu come out. Angle gives his first boring PROMO ever. Ahhh Southpaw. Sweet cheap shitty light beer. MUGAtaker comes out! It's TWO ON ONE! Cole says SPINECHILLING! MINDNUMBING! RASMUSSEN says, "Suck my balls, Cole." Nunzio dies like a jobber in a squash! MUGAtaker throws some perfectly fine punches. MUGAtaker does a super cool ass finishing sequence to complete the squash. SQUASH! Squashing and tombstoning. Walking and posing. Sitting up and breathing. SPINECHILLING!

 

- Booker T decides to hip to the fact that it's been three hours that he has been looking. So the woman has already lied to him because he finds the grave and grave doesn't find him. SOME KIND OF HAND! Could this be any more retarded? All it needs is a fight with dubbed in sound effects and we will have reached the quality level of the "Destitute DDP Jumps Maxx Muscle!" MINDNUMBING!

 

- Josh is with Eddy. Eddy isn't Booker T. Booker T is magic with Josh. Eddy isn't magic with Josh. Eddy is Eddy. Booker T is Booker T. Josh is Josh. Josh asks Eddy stupid questions. Eddy is GOD making Josh crap in his pants. Eddy's face goes wiggly. Eddy is the Wrestling Messiah. But Eddy plus Josh isn't Josh plus Booker T. Eddy is Eddy. Josh is Josh. Booker T is Booker T. Eddy isn't Booker T. Booker T isn't Eddy. Josh is Josh. BLOCKBUSTING!

 

- Did y'all get Garden Claw commercials?

 

- Torrie Wilson comes to the ring and 39 year old virgins blow a garlic-scented jello-like load over their Star Trek New Generation vs Babylon five Chess Set onto their hermetically sealed Kamandi: Last Boy On Earth #1. Dawn Marie's outfit hints at enough of Vampirella for me to contemplate soiling my very soul. The match itself was pretty good. "SO YOU THINK SHE'S GOT A PRETTY FACE!?!?" screechs Dawn Marie- as Torrie goes face first into the exposed turnbuckle and it was AWESOME. It turns into Cena versus Renea DewPres and you see Rene's jiggly BUTT but you really get bask in the blinding light of the WANG. So fuck this.

 

- Bradshaw gives a HIlarious non-apology. He is sooo great having a face that says that he does not believe what he his lips are saying. Plus, HE GOES COCK-EYED right in the middle. The fact that he OBVIOUSLY wasn't in New York is why this doesn't work.

 

- I've gone to Burger King exclusively since the subservient chicken and the term "mouth whoopin'" were introduced to me. Plus they take credit cards which is too ridiculous to not take advantage of.

 

- Eddy is taken out of the main event. I was going to jokingly put nothing in the WHAT WORKED column and try to rationalize everything if it did actually work. Smackdown is two steps ahead of me. Dudleys not carried by Eddy will be ungood. Rey Rey? That's fine I guess though this now becomes quite the Velocity match. Rob Van Dam has the shittiest punches ever. He does a lot of punching in this match. Rob Van Dam's spinning kicks are so fucking bad. He does a lot of them in this match. Rey Rey doesn't hit the 619 as Bubba is as sick of seeing it as you are. Rey Rey- a highflying luchadore- throws punches 5,000% stiffer than RVD's and does kicks that look like they actually hurt. Bubba and Rey Rey work really well together and RVD WILL bump like a total freak. Rey Rey's Testicle's become cruches and we go to a commercial.... Join me as we think about CRZ's pretty hair.... mmmmm strawberry henna.... Rey Rey continues to get beaten to death. Rey Rey counters a suplex to make with the hope spot. And the Dudleys cut him by getting the ref out of position. Rey Rey is fucking GREAT Southern babyface. He's just like Ricky Morton in that he always gives up a lot of size and he always has cool transitions to begin his comebacks. RVD is FUN as the house a-fire and the two count is superhot. Deulling Arabian Moonsaults were fun. 56 part nearfinish up to the missed Frogsplash was really fucking great. Rolling Thunder is retarded but that was the best ECW main event I've seen in a while. Dudleys get their heat back postmatch. Eddy goes BATSHIT and Bubba blades like an ECW alumni. AWESOME. (Bradshaw didn't run in so if fucks up my Bradshaw Not Working rationalization. Thus, this doesn't work.)

 

- You can't begin to suddenly pleasure women just by switching to ribbed condoms. It's all about making it purr with a stroke of my hand. They know they're getting from me. YEah, that's the key: Listen to more Ted Nugent records from the 70s and never use a Trojan condom- because nothing gets a lady out of the mood like a broken condom.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

Taker/FBI was the best squash ever.

[Guest thatdude21601]

Eastern Maryland rocks, and therefore I know the garden claw blows. A goat and a retriever pulling a 1968 Lincoln Continental hood, that has been shaped into a plow is the only real option you have.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Eastern Maryland rocks, and therefore I know the garden claw blows. A goat and a retriever pulling a 1968 Lincoln Continental hood, that has been shaped into a plow is the only real option you have.

Oh come on- THE GARDEN CLAW! The guy using it is wearing a button down shirt and khaki pants! It'd fun- like boating or going to the country club!

[Guest thatdude21601]

Well if the plan is to not work, the claw is perfectly acceptable.

 

You know what's sad I look forward to Wang report more than Smackdown itself recently on Thursdays. Thank you Mr. RASMUSSEN.