Promo: welcome to starkville, population: you guys

[Guest]

*Fade in to the front of a huge, white house.  Palm trees are everywhere, leaves swaying gently in the easy southward breeze.  Slowly the camera pans right, capturing the magnificence of the house and its surrounding environs.  Camera pans back left to its original position, except this time the incredible, incomparable Josh Stark is relaxing in a lawn chair.  He is wearing a black silk robe, Armani sunglasses, and is smoking a huge cigar.*

 

Stark:  Welcome to my home.

 

*Pause while Stark spends some time grinning intensity into the camera.*

 

Stark:  You will note that I say that you are welcome.  I would like to point out that the phrase was a mere pleasantry.  Rest assured that if any of you unwashed, stinky Philistines show up anywhere in the general vicinity of this house you will be promptly arrested.  Do not take liberties with my property.  It will not go unpunished.  Warning notwithstanding, I would like to take this time to allow the fans and wrestlers of the SJL to take their mind of their inconsequential troubles by losing themselves in the myth, the enigma, the soon-to-be legend that IS Josh Stark.  C'mon, let's take a drive, shall we?

 

*Cut to the road, camera in the passenger seat.  Stark has now changed into an obviously expensive dark suit.  Sunglasses remain on.  The car is a dark blue Porsche 911 Carrera.*

 

Stark:  While it is true that you will never own a car like this, you can now experience vicariously just what it is like to drive a fine German automobile, to own a beautiful house, to LIVE LIFE!  Not just to wallow in your own shit while you whine about how your double-wide trailer just "ain't big enough now that Maw is up to 700 pounds," to LIVE.  Let me tell you...

 

*Suddenly, the car starts making a funny noise.  Cut to Stark pulled over at the side of the road, screaming into his cell phone.*

 

Stark:  What do you mean you can't get me the part right away?  (Pause) Yes, I KNOW the parts have to come from Germany.  How is that a problem?  (Pause) Can you get someone out here?  (Pause) No, I'm on the freeway.  (Pause) Yeah, well Hitler didn't have any problem getting men into Poland, did he?  Where is your German can-do spirit?  Hello?  HELLO?  GODDAMNIT!

 

*Stark finally remembers there is a camera on him.*

 

Stark:  Get that thing off right now if you don't want to be trying to pick up your teeth with broken fingers.

 

*Camera starts to fades to black.  Cut to Stark standing in a movie studio, his composure regained.*

 

Stark:  Welcome back.  I thought it might be fun for all of you to see a real celebrity.  Without further ado, let me introduce my close personal friend: Steve Gutenberg.

 

*Steve Gutenberg steps into the frame.  He puts his arm around Stark's shoulders and they both spend some time grinning into the camera.*

 

Stark:  This is how I live EVERY DAY!  Beautiful homes, fast cars, hanging with Steve Friggin' Gutenberg.  You better believe that I'm living the dream, baby!  Hey, remember Police Academy II, Steve?

 

Gutenberg:  I sure do, Joshster.

 

Stark:  That movie sucked ass!  You were terrible, Gutes!

 

Gutenberg:  Hey, come on Josh.  I tried really, really hard on that one.

 

Stark:  Hey, no backtalk.  I’m not paying you fifty bucks a day for talking, am I?

 

Gutenberg:  No.

 

Stark:  No, what?

 

Gutenberg:  No sir.

 

Stark:  No sir what?

 

Gutenberg:  No sir, you’re not paying me fifty bucks a day for taking.

 

Stark:  That’s right, baby.  I just need that movie star rub from you.  You know, like Arquette did for WCW.  Now get the hell out of my shot.

 

*Gutenberg walks off slowly, head down, a tear making it’s way slowly down his cheek.*

 

Stark:  You know, a lot of you SJL wrestlers are like my close personal friend Steve Gutenberg.  You think you’re stars, but in reality just losers eager for any sort of approval.  And at Absolution all of you are about to get a wake-up call from a real star.  Of course, those of you in the Mall Brawl will feel my wrath most acutely.  So let me send a message to all of you.

 

*Cut to Stark standing in the middle of the beautiful Beverly Centre (mall in Los Angeles), surrounded by legions of adoring fans, who are being held back by security.*

 

Stark:  This is MY HOME!  I have spent more time shopping than any other wrestler in the SJL.  This simple fact is certain to give me an edge.  I know malls like the back of my hand, and I can hurt you in so many ways.  I can hurt you in The Gap.  I can hurt you in Orange Julius.  I can hurt you in that shoe repair place near the weird entrance where no-one ever goes because it kinda smells funny.  That’s right, you all better watch out!  So to Vanguard, Frost, T-Bone, Kojack, Ripper, Reaper, and Cutthroat get ready for a real star to show you all up.  I WILL win the Mall Brawl, I WILL go on to face the TV Champion at Crimson, and I WILL win that title.  And after that I will go into my dressing room knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am the best in the business, I will go into the shower knowing that I am the new TV Champ, savouring the gold around my waist.  Yes indeed, that will be...

 

*Stark rips his sunglasses off and stares intensely into the camera.*

 

Stark:  That will be a GOLDEN SHOWER FOR JOSH STARK!

 

Fade out.

[Guest Ace309]

I can hurt you in The Gap.  I can hurt you in Orange Julius.

 

And after that I will go into my dressing room knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am the best in the business, I will go into the shower knowing that I am the new TV Champ, savouring the gold around my waist.  Yes indeed, that will be...

 

*Stark rips his sunglasses off and stares intensely into the camera.*

 

Stark:  That will be a GOLDEN SHOWER FOR JOSH STARK!

 

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Man, the info in the stats looked really trite (basic spoiled rich kid etc), but I LOVE how you're handling this. I'm looking forward to seeing more promos from you.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Gutenberg:  I sure do, Joshster.

 

Golden.  My god, when did all of our newbies become so damned funny?

 

I dig the gimmick, Stark.  Here's to a good showing in your debut match.