WHAT I WROTE FOR DVDVR 145

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DVDVR 145

 

your endless and your annoying EAGLE PRO CRUISERWEIGHT TOURNAMENT REVIEWNon-Tournament: Big Ishikawa (Eagle) vs Hiroshi Wakabayashi - [RASMUSSEN]: Big Ishikawa drives around Tokyo in his Chrylser K-Car-"Smoke On The Water" blairs out of his 1976 Alpine speakers. "Man, the 70s were fuckin awesome. I wish I was around back then. It was simpler. So much less bullshit, you know."

 

"Yeah Big, but there was also inflation and the Cold War and disco...."

 

"Look darlin, the Bee Gees were fuckin awesome. We could go out in our polyester suits and Latin Tango and everything."

 

"Sounds like more fun than watching you try to be a professional wrestler. Who are you wrestling tonight?"

 

"I don't know. Some new guy the boss is bringing in. Doing like a moth gimmick or something. Anyway. When I'm headlining the Tokyo Dome, you'll be right there in diamonds and furs. I'll treat you good one day baby. You stick with Big Ishikawa. I'm goin places."

 

"I love you- though you are completely delusional. We should go to Hardees, they have those 2/3 pound burgers with the... what the hell is that?"

 

Big stops the car and Yumi walks over to what looks like a diamond-encrusted red jewelry box. "What the fuck? This must have fallen off the back of a truck or something."

 

"Yumi the detective forgets one detail: there are no dents or scratches. Hm. You should... you should open it."

 

"Fuck that, Big. What if it has like a human head in it or something? YOU open it."

 

"Okay. I don't give a fuck. You gotta be a..." Big opens the lid and blinding light shines out and loses his grip. The box floats four feet off the ground as Big and Yumi's eyes go saucerlike. Two tiny women slowly rise from the middle of the box. They speak in unison.

 

"You are Big Ishikawa. You are loudly cursing. We are sad to tell you that you are to be destroyed by our protector, Wakabayashi."

 

Music box music comes from the bottom of the box and the two little women start singing- "Waka-Bayashi- YA! Waka-Bayashi-YA!"

 

They quickly switch to operatic Italian

 

"il vostro grasso è il nostro uso di protezione

il vostro lariat shitty proteggerli

gloriously atterra sul vostro torto

del collo dall'i hiptoss

che semplici piangiamo alla bellezza dei vostri rotoli di grasso

come i tetti del grasso di rognone

sopra le nostre teste mentre voi prendete le scosse crappy

agli scones della cassa e le ciambelle diamo voi per aumentare

il vostro grasso ardente di giro di protezione!(1)

Waka-Bayashi- YA! Waka-Bayashi-YA!"

 

"Big, what in the fuck is this?" Yumi flinches as the tiny women become enraged.

 

"You should not curse in front of the Tiny Women of the Sacred Wakabayashi. His enchanted fat will save us all. We must summon him NOW to destroy you!"

 

"Yumi, what the fuck is going on? These chicks are are like 6 inches tall but they are loud as shit."

 

"YOU CURSE AGAIN! WAKA-BAYASHI- YAAH! WAKA-BAYASHI-YAAAH!

Rend il suo grasso per fare più del vostro proprio grasso!

Schiacci la sua testa con il vostro volkswagen come le coscie!

Macini il suo underarm grasso in una salsiccia squisita!

WAKA-BAYASHI- YAAH! WAKA-BAYASHI-YAAAH!"

 

The two tiny women throw a Jimmy Dean Link Sausage on the ground and it BURST OPEN! A fat man of 5 foot 6, 340 pounds squeezes out of the 2 inch sausage. He fires an electrical power blast from his dime-sized nipples- POWERED BY THE POWER OF FAT!

 

"Unnngh! Holy SHIT! Yumi get the fuck out of here!" Big feels a greasy coating on his skin and blood trickles out of the side of his mouth. "Use fat against ME?!?! I'm THE MOTHERFUCKING KING OF FAT! MUTHAHHAAAAH FUCKAH!!" Big dives into the heap of a man that is Wakabayashi. Wakabayashi's stretchmarks across his stomach begin to spray a fetid silken coating that impairs Big's vision.

 

"UGH! Horrible Fumundah cheese-like silk! The smell is.... HORRIBLE!" Big gets his lighter out and burns the waxy substance away. "Wakabayashi, you can shoot all the shit you want to at me. It can't cover up for the fact that YOU CAIN'T WRESTLE!"

 

Big kicks Wakabayashi in the stomach and Wakabayashi keels over. Big hoists Wakabayashi up by the waist and does the fattest, splattiest powerbomb. Cheesefries fly out of the flaps of fat under Wakabayashi's love handles.

 

"Yumi, I can only wonder what other horrible mysteries he would have shot at me. Especially if he could have pointed his naked cornhole at me."

 

"Jesus Christ, Big, what in the fuck made you think about THAT?"

 

"C'mon, it would have to be like exploding eclairs out of his ass or something."

 

Wakabayashi rises to his feet- knowing he'd been beat. "So I guess you are going to kill the Tiny Women of Wakabayashi now..."

 

"What the fuck are you talking about? We just found this box on the road and..."

 

"Oh. Did you cuss in front of them? Their fucking Pentecostal faeries and they are such fucking uptight little bitches 100% of the time. It's usually somebody cussing or they end up at a dance and the dancing enrages them or something."

 

"That's really fucked up."

 

"Yeah, but they are really sweet once you get to know them- volunteer work for children, what have you. Our ancient sacred deal is that I am to protect first and ask questions second. You're the first fat man to ever best me."

 

"It was a pretty great powerbomb. You should get some more wrestling training. You wouldn't break your neck on armdrags."

 

"Yeah, I've been pretty busy at work and I'm moving and shit. I'm gonna get back to all that this fall. Cool. Sorry about all that."

 

"No problem. How do you do that shit with your nipples? That was fuckin bad ass."

--------------

(1) I dunno. Try Babel Fish.

 

~!~

 

@#@#@#@#@ WORLD ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLING- 5/18/2003- THE KODO FUYUKI FAREWELL SHOW

 

I get bored with US indies. I never get bored with useless Japanese indie sleaze.

 

Steve Corino vs. Shinjuku Same: Shinjuku Same has a boxer boy gimmick and I hates me a guy who wrestles in boxing gloves. Corino throws better punches despite not having gloves on. Corino chokes the punk with tape and Same BOXES TO TRANSITION and misses the Carlos Palimino (1) Hurricanrana but ranas out of Corino's Running Powerbomb and then throws these Johnny B Badd vs Maxx Muscle-level shitty boxing haymakers. He does hit the HIGHLARIOUS David Bey (2) Memorial Moonsault. The Jerry Quarry (3)-esque Shining Wizard leads up to boxing boy making with a Bart Gunn left for an eight count. Corino with the Superkick to transition and out goes Shinjuku with the corino VERTICAL SUPLEX. This match was GOOFY, folks.

 

Mitsuhiro Matsunaga/Jun Kasai vs. Bad Boy Hido/Gosaku Goshogawara: This is a DEATH MATCH! BED OF NAILS is brung oot. Goshogawara is the SLEEEEEEAAAAAAAZIEST looking wrestler in the history of Japanese Indie Wrestling (4) - looking like the Japanese version of the guy driving the recycling truck around your neighborhood every Thursday. Hido and Jun Kasai brawl a bit while Goshogawara is a fucking freak and goes shoulder first into the barbed-wire pit from the apron. Matsunaga is completely immobile but kicks Goshogawara in the chest a bit as they GO INTO A SOUTHERN TAG MATCH? Okay. Gosaku Throws Kasai Into The Bed Of Nails To TRANSITION into Hido carving him up with a barbed-wire baseball bat. Goshogawara hits the Fistdrop So Shitty That Liquid Plumr Won't Break It Up- but Kasai is your face in peril and the nearfalls is getting the rubes off their hands. Hido staples a little piece of paper to Kasai's head (5) in a slight variation on the Southern Tag Halfing Of The Ring. Hido with the Post-Stapling Lariat for Two. Matsunaga blows the psychology by fighting with Goshogawara in the ring while Kasai and Hido brawl to the floor. Matsunaga does some kicking. Kasai kicks a running Hido in the stomach and makes his first comeback with a Vertical Suplex through a barbed-wire pit. Meanwhile, Matsunaga does the completely STUPIDLY BALLS OUT Russian Legsweep onto the Bed Of Nails. (6) Goshagawara suplexes Matsunaga into the barbedwire eventually and Kasai suplexes Goshagawara into the barbed wire and hits a Frog Splash for two until Hido piledrives Kasai and it keeps on a going. Goshagawara takes a fucking NASTY powerbomb by Matsunaga onto the bed of nails and Matsunaga wins with the overly fancy Crucifix Rollup. Postmatch Hido and Goshagowara yell about the shitty bitches and shitty crank they have in WEW. Or something.

 

Tatsuhito Takaiwa vs. Chocoball Mukai: Ah sweet Chocoball (7). This is Takaiwa from last year, when he ruled. He's back to sucking dick again now for some reason. Takaiwa chops early. Takaiwa stomps him early. Takaiwa stiffly lariats early. Chocoball does a super slomo version of that shitty standing submission that Konan did in WCW. And a spinning DDT. And a rolling senton off the top. Takaiwa goes on offense with a Superplex and they start no-selling lariats. They trade finishers for a while and your eyes glaze over for the psychological clarity of the death match you just saw. A Death Valley Driver later and Takaiwa begins his descent into wrestling hell....

 

Shinjiro Otani vs. Taka Michinoku: Talk about two guys who have been from here to eternity. Here, they meet on a card that is the corpse of FMW. (8) I'm tired of seeing these two wrestle since they've diverged both physically and stylistically from the New Japan Junior and quasi-New Japan Junior roots. TAKA does pull off the Springboard Plancha to the floor- but it's more lardlike now. Ohtani's face scrapes never get old and TAKA's double dropkick to the face in the corner is perfectly fine. I dunno. It's just so fucking heatless and random. They're both good and competent but I really don't like either of these guys unless there is something meaningful in the match (9): TAKA vs Minoru Tanaka was the last TAKA match I gave a shit about and I can't even remember when that was. The last Shinjiro Ohtani match I dug was Zero-One tag match against Mr Gannesukke and W*ING Kanemura- and that had a lot to do with Ohtani going back to selling a HORRENDOUS beatdown like a NJ Junior babyface in 1995. And Mr Gannesukke being so fucking great. This match has it's moments as the fight for the ropes after TAKA procures his Crippler Crossface heats up Shinjiro fucking KILLING TAKA with a Dropkick counter to a missile dropkick into a gnarley Released Dragon into a FUCKING GHASTLY Rotation Powerbomb.(10)

 

Jado/ Gedo vs. Dick Togo/ Ikuto Hidaka: Ah here ya go. They join this in progress to irritate me. Togo and Gedo are fun together as you would assume- being the same size, being completely immersed in flawless psychology but not afraid to fill their matches with actual hatred and bloodlust, like good wrestling should have. Hidaka and Gedo work from an armbar and Gedo is sells it like he is in a high school gym in Alabama in 1979. DICK punches him in the kidneys and dropkicks him and lays into a sleeper. Gedo fights to a vertical base and hits the ropes and DICK lariats to cut him off and Dick Togo goes back to the shoulder. Hidaka dropkicks the shoulder and procures the chicken wing and we have a real-life tagteam wrestling match on our hands. Dick Togo keeps cutting off Gedo until Gedo hits a fucking BEAUTIFUL DiBiase Powerslam and makes the tag. Jado is a house a-fire knocking Hidaka to the floor and reversing out of Dick Togo's ankle lock. Dick Togo and Gedo throw the greatest fucking Murdock punches since Dick Murdock threw punches and it fucking rules. Gedo takes more of an assbeating and catches Hidaka with an elbow. Hidaka cuts him off and does a fabulous roll into a kneebar that Gedo sells like a fucking KING until Jado makes the save off the floor. Gedo and Jado hit the Fuyuki Force Superbomb to set up Gedo's Superfly Splash for the win. That's a good little batch of professional wrestling.

 

Akira Taue/ Daisuke Ikeda/ Naomichi Marufuji vs. Mitsuharu Misawa/ Yoshinari Ogawa/ Kotaro Suzuki: This is basically the Golden Age All Japan guys showing their respect for Kodo Fuyuki. Taue and Misawa wrestle a little. Taue doesn't use his two allotted good performances a year on this match. (11) Diasuke Ikeda will always show up though and he and Ogawa pelt each other pretty well for a minute there. Marifuchi comes in and he and Kentaro Suzuki fly around a bit in an annoying manner. Kentaro Suzuki's 619 is really shitty but Marifuji Endless Hangtime Missile Dropkick is still fucking boss. And they kinda end it abruptly with the Shewy-Newy and there ya go. So. The frickin Hido match has more effort exerted than the Misawa match? Yes. Yes it did. That sucks.

 

Masato Tanaka vs. Tetsuhiro Kuroda: Awwwwww, Kuroda was beloved by internet wrestling dorks like myself for a minute there. (12) Now he isn't beloved. Masato Tanaka is the same wrestler he was in 1998. (HEY! 12!) This will be fun since they are both FMW alumni who developed careers after escaping the endless 90s shadow of Atsushi Onita. Kuroda is a Chosyu knock-off and Tanaka is Misawa knock-off so this is sleazarific- like Big Slam Vader vs Vic Steamboat. The crowd digs the stalemate takedown section and they lock up. Tanaka hits the ropes and hits the armdrag and after a stalemate, takes Kuroda down. Kuroda slams Tanaka's leg against the ringpost and Hulk Hogan would be embarrassed to show that much daylight. Kuroda procures the Figure Four and Tanaka rolls it over and Kuroda reverses it back and this would be interesting if either were selling anything in a compelling manner. Kuroda with a DDT on the floor and he does a Muta sprinting lariat and I'm glazing over. Tanaka just kinda goes on offense and does a running chairshot into the corner leading to Tanaka trying to snap Kuroda's spindly neck. Kuroda is cutoff with a Spear and Tanaka kicks him quite a bit and they trade knife-edge chops. Kuroda no-sells a Roaring Elbow- not just buy not falling down, but by the expression on his face where he is trying to remember what to do next. God, Kuroda really sucks now. Kuroda sells a Capture Suplex like he is Larry and Tanaka is a younger, Japanese Moe. Tanaka's frog splash for two. Kuroda with the Locomotion Germans TO TRANSITION~! and we await the Lariat for two. They trade two counts for a while. I think about maybe getting another freezer pop. They sell nothing every other move and it really sucks. "This time it's two count. Next time it doesn't affect me!" Tanaka gets off a supersloppy Toprope Gutwrench annnnnnd they do five more preposterous nearfalls and no sell a few more Released Germans. Kuroda hits a Shining Wizard FOR TWO! Facebuster FOR TWO! Lariat FOR TWO! ROARING ELBOW FOR TWO! And thank GOD the forty-third Roaring Elbow does the trick and we can get on with our lives.

 

Shinya Hashimoto vs. Kintaro Kanemura: This match makes up for the death match Hash and Fuyuki were planning to have before Fuyuki lost his own personal death match with cancer. Fuyuki's widow brings his ashes to the ring and it's pretty fucking intense when I think about it. W*ING Kanemura does the Team No Respect dance listlessly, heavy from the loss of Kodo Fuyuki. Hashimoto hits the ring hellbent on making his fallen comrade proud. He is ready to beat the living dogshit out of Kintaro Kanemura. Hashimoto takes the ashes of Kodo Fuyuki and DIVES BACKWARDS INTO THE EXPLODING BARBED WIRE- AS IF KODO FUYUKI'S FIGHTING SPIRIT WAS IN THE RING- and the barbed wire EXPLODES in a huge ball of flame AND HIS WIDOW AND SISTER START CRYING. Hashimoto hands it to Kanemura and he DIVES BACKWARDS and the barbed wire explodes and Kanemura bows in front of Hashimoto. I start to cry at the manly beauty of the gesture. (13) Hashimoto prays and they ring the bell. The praying is over, the killings begun. Hashimoto just beats the living shit out of Kanemura- kicks to the face, chops and STRAIGHT fucking punches to the face, a fucking HELLISH full body weight Elbow Drop. Kanemura finally sends Hashimoto into the barbed wire and starts beating on him with a baseball bat. They carry out Fuyuki's widow. Kanemura lariats him to the ground and keeps driving the barbedwire baseball bat into Hash's throat. Hash gets back to his feet and just starts kicking the living fuck out of Kanemura and throws him into the previously exploded barbed wire. He then throws him into barbed wire that explodes and hits a DDT for two. Fuyuki's widow has returned. Hash hits a fucking SKULLCRUSHING DDT and it's over. Kanemura look legit destroyed. Hashimoto bows before Kodo Fuyuki's ashes and Goddamn was that weird.

 

-------------------

(1) Carlos Palomino is the guy who lets Tony Danza knock him out on that episode of TAXI. At the end of the episode, Carlos shows Danza the handspeed that says to Danza, "You are not a boxer, you will be yelling TA-MAN-TA to your fake daughter on WHO'S THE BOSS for the next 8 years." Palimino is more 70s than a fuckin Bruce Lee movie.

 

(2) David Bey was a heavyweight who was on the cusp of being one upset away from being a famous also-ran, as opposed to being an obscure also-ran; like James Young and the Ali fight he got robbed of. Naimark will let you know who he almost beat. It would defeat the point of mentioning him if I didn't use more time explaining why I shouldn't spend ten seconds researching the answer on google than actually spending ten seconds researching the answer on google. David Bey was more 80s than your dads ChessKing shirt.

 

(3) I always thought Quarry was a shnook but Naimark contends that he was good. Ditto for Ernie Shavers. I just always saw them get the hell beaten out of them by the Big Four of the 70s- Ali, Frazier, Foreman, Norton.

 

(4) The only real contenders are GENTARO, Mammoth Sasaki and Tomoya Adashi. GENTARO wouldn't be out of place h-bombing frat boys on an airplane with Marty Jannetty. Adashi looks like he has a day job giving out placement tests at a Tokyo temp agency. That leaves Mammoth Sasaki. Mammoth Sasaki has too much of a Moondog feel to him to be COMPLETELY out of the running for being on the airplane with Marty Jannetty and GENTARO h-bombing fratboys. Mammoth would be the one to cut their hair when they pass out and tweek the nipples of their passed out girlfriend. Thus, two have a feel of Major League wrestling sleaziness and Adashi has a slight whiff of respectibility. Goshgowara is your boy. I so do not ever want to see his "farting schoolgirls" pornpile.

 

(5) My only idea as to what the paper was is that they simply could not afford a single piece of Japanese currency to staple to Kasai's forehead. OR they had spent every last penny on crystal meth and Goshogowara had already left with the stolen gate.

 

(6) If Schneider were reviewing this, this is the part where he would go on and on and on about Matsunaga being a fdaascinating wrestler because he's all innovative with his deathmatches. TRUST ME. It wasn't so cool that it excused the fact that Matsunaga is still wrestling on shows that can cross the Pacific ocean and end up in my VCR. The powerbomb on the bed of nails was fucking cool enough to justify Matsunaga and Goshogowara's wrestling existence, actually.

 

(7) His testicles are blackened as if his porn career had some sort of bizarre foray into Cajun cooking. Asian Cougar can carry him. Nobody else can carry him. No word on how discoloured Takaiwa's junk is. I would like to kick them until they are black and blue for no-selling a fucking Toprope Pedigree recently. Fucking useless motherfucker.

 

(8) Back in their heyday, they would make "Greatest Matches Ever" lists. Here's everything they were in that made the DVDVR #100 Matches You Need To See:

 

" THE GREAT SASUKE/BLACK TIGER vs. SHINJIRO OHTANI/WILD PEGASUS- NEW JAPAN- Top of the Super Juniors tag league 1994

(REV RAY) This is set up with some mic work where Eddy Tiger dedicates the match to the Japanese people. Ohtani's interview looks like he's more interested in his fishing date with Misawa than the upcoming final. This starts as a 4 way brawl as Benoit goes over Tiger and Sasuke and Tiger are more than happy to brawl with them. Ohtani gets beat up for a bit and gets chaired for being such a puss boy. Tiger and Sasuke give Ohtani the Rocker-plex and start busting out the double teams. Ohtani survives the intial beating to get in a springboard plancha before playing dead in the corner. Eddy's in full rudo mode with a lot of little dickish moves, including coming in and giving Benoit the old fashion Moe Eye Poke as he's got Sasuke in a surfobard. Sasuke and Ohtani bust out the million pin and counters spot. Benoit suplexes the fudge out of Sasuke with Tiger breaking up the near falls. Ohtani drop kicks Sasuke off of Benoit's shoulders. Ohtani goes after Tiger after numerous pin saves allowing Sasuke to get back on the offensive. This match is a lot of fun as it's little things like Benoit who's in a half crab making a tag to Ohtani and then tying up Sasuke's leg so he can't defend himself or tag so Ohtani can nail him. Ohtani plays totally limp dead after a top rope frankensteiner and Tiger puts him in the Gory Lock and tags to Sasuke who jumps off the top rope and nails him with a double ax handle. Benoit bounces Sasuke's head off the canvas a few times with some powerbombs. Finish starts to build as Ohtani starts going down the murder's row of Tiger finishers. Benoit answers by suplexing Sasuke to the floor and later stepping away from a Quebrada attempt so Sasuke finds nothing but floor. Benoit and Ohtani attempt the rana off the partner's shoulders and pretty much kill themselves doing it, but it leads to win for Pegasus and Ohtani."

 

"OHTANI/ ISHIKAWA/ TAKAIWA/NAGATA vs. KANEHARA/ SAKURABA/ YAMAMOTO/ KAKIHARA- NEW JAPAN- 2/3/96 (RASMUSSEN): One of the last gasps from the HORRENDOUSLY booked UWFi vs NEW JAPAN "feud". Quite a minor match at the time, though I always dug it. Now it's quite the Murderer's Row of current Puroresu ass-stompers as Takaiwa is no-selling his sorry ass to the top of the NJ juniors, Ohtani is back on track to being one of the best Juniors ever and REALLY showed his range in this match (he and Sakuraba had a minor shootstyle materpiece at Sky-Diving J to follow this up), Ishikawa is now Kendo Ka Shin and is being as inexplicably pushed as Takaiwa, Nagata is the future of the Heavyweight division having positioned himself for a SuperKoshinaka type role but was feigning juniordom here, Kanehara is the only fun- other than Volk Han- in RINGS these days, Kakihara will be utilized correctly in All Japan any second now, and- oh yeah- this was back when Yamamoto was cool, as opposed to just being a comical victim to Valentine Overeem. Nagata fucking rules it in this match, as does Ishikawa. As does Kanehara- who should have been stolen and made into IWGP champion by now."

 

"SUPER DELFIN/GRAN NANIWA/GRAN HAMADA/TMIV/MASATO YAKUSHIJI vs. DICK TOGO/ MEN'S TEIOH/SHIRYU/TAKA MICHINOKU/SHOICHI FUNAKI - MPRO 10/10/96- (POGO PETE): I'd be lying if I told you that Spot-Fu was my cup of tea... that said, this is perhaps the greatest Spot-Fu match of all time. The fun begins before the match even starts as the babyfaces get individual intros before Kaientai DX say "Screw it!" and roll out en masse to their cool-as-living-fuck theme. What follows is 30+ minutes of lucharesu fireworks as all 10 guys throw out every single highspot in the book for the city slickers in Tokyo. K-DX was never cooler than they were here, and Sasuke can take pride in the fact that they had a big house legit and didn't have to darken Sumo Hall like JWP, Tokyo Pro and Battlarts were forced to do."

 

(9) Fuck, why am I singling these two out. I don't like any wrestling that doesn't have some sort of hateful reason for existing. But then I try to rationalize this against my love of two truly COLD FORMS OF WRESTLING that I absolutely adore: 1. WCW Worldwide matches: this can also include Velocity matches, indie matches where odd wrestlers meet in the night in some high school gym. I think maybe that's the key- you see two guys who have no history wrestling each other and see how they resolve the difference. Todd Morton wrestles Dean Malenko and Todd Morton wrestles the scientific match of his lifetime. The Villanos wrestle Disorderly Conduct and the Villanos completely throw away their rudo technique and become Los Hermanos Andersons. 2. Lucha midcard first caida matwork which also covers U-Style, UWFi, lesser BattlArts matches and those British face versus face matches where the younger wrestler will ALWAYS get hurt and the older wrestler will refuse to take the win. Wrestling becomes a total artform- movement and timing become something that people on the street can't do and ALSO become something OTHER ATHLETES can't do. This pertains to the match at hand because Ohtani and TAKA have their styles resolved and would have to rip each other's flesh apart with broken wooden chairs to make it interesting stylistically. And their style is Overweight New Japan Junior style which is basically half-assed Junior moves with better selling but neither as good New Japan or NOAH heavyweight style in both respects. It's basically Ace Darling vs Inferno Kid 1997 redux and the heatlessness therein.

 

(10) Yeah yeah, I could give a fuck about what it's actually called. It was called the Rotation Powerbomb when he first did it and that's what i'm sticking with because that's what it is and it's a cooler name than whatever they've decided to call it since then.

 

(11) He might be down to one a year now. He had like FOUR last year. I think Tamon Honda ascendence to the status of superworker overshadowed anything useful that Taue might have done.

 

(12) The embarrassment of hindsight:

$%$%$%$%$%$ FRONTIER MARTIAL ARTS WRESTLING- BEST BOUTS

COMMERCIAL TAPE 1998. PART TWO- (byDEAN RASMUSSEN)

Tetsuhiro Kuroda vs Masato Tanaka: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? WHEN, I say WHEN did Tetsuhiro Kuroda get THIS good? This was the third best match on the tape behind the two Gannesuke singles matches. Kuroda looks like quite the Akiyama to the FMW big four and he frickin’ ROCKS in this match. This whole match was filled with lots of innovative moves- a few of which really stick out: Tanaka’s Brainbuster into an Ace Crusher, the Kuroda Variation on the Finlay/Fuji Fireman’s Carry Rollthrough that Kuroda does by holding his opponent as if he was doing a belly-to-belly suplex. The brawling through the crowd was fun as each sprawled like MEN through the chairs. The body of the match was a lot of good matworkd that led to a super great finisher-a-thon- with Kuroda giving as good as he was taking with the Machine that is Masato Tanaka. The only bad point was when Kuroda hits a NASTY released German and Tanaka does the Kobashi-Misawa no-sell into the lariat- which pissed me off for a while. I get over it though as they go deeper into a GREAT GREAT extended nearfalls sequence with the superswank Kuroda Locomotion Dragon Suplexes that HAD to suck. Tanaka finally kills him with the elbow but Kuroda surprised the hell out of me. This guys good.

 

God, I should probably go back and see if they wrestled this exact match I just saw in 1998. Sounds like they did. Sounds like I GREW and they didn't. KURODA!- I BREAK WITH THEE! I BREAK WITH THEE! I BREAK WITH THEE! and I throw dogpoop on your shoes.

 

(13) My dad had a full military funeral- which was perfect because he was pretty hardcore when it came to full use of military ceremony (I remember him giving MPs shit for not saluting correctly and not wearing white gloves when checking people at the front gate.)- so I was affected pretty deeply at age twelve by military ceremonies honoring the dead. Bagpipe music can affect me too. It's weird. Hashimoto going into the the barbed wire with his friends ashes in his hands is SO a fucking ritual sealed in blood. So fucking foreign but the gesture is crystal clear. Just fucking awesome.

 

~!~

 

A LETTER TO PHIL SCHNEIDER

 

Hello Phil,

 

It was great seeing you Easter's Eve(1). Wish we could have been touched by the presence of your beloved by I understand that familial obligations come first and foremost. I hope the brunch went well- the shadroe and mimosa's by the James River (2), you are stepping into your adult life with grace and ease and that is all I could want for you my friend- the chaos of youth switches into glide (3) and you see the rest of the picture and your new values start setting in.

 

I was glad to have you and to watch some of the wrestling videos you had been talking so highly of as of late. I know that you and young Tom have a bit more time at your disposal and I am glad you act as a wrestling filter and could present the five or six matches that had captured your collective fancy and I must say that I share your collective enthusiasm for almost every match you said was worthy of viewing. (4) I would rank them THUSLY:

 

- Hashimoto vs Masato Tanaka: Tanaka is super game taking the full force and fury of Hashimoto's mauling offense. I loved when Tanaka is against the ropes and Hashimoto tees off and crushes him with just ungodly stiff kicks. Tanaka's offense is still too much Misawa-worship and second rate in that aspect, but Hashimoto brings out the greatness in the match with the stiffness and intensity and Tanaka sells it like Ricky Morton in a maximum security prison. great fucking match.

 

- American Dragon vs AJ Styles: I would put this first but I REALLY think that American Dragon could have just as good of a match against Rico Suave in Puerto Rico or against Frey Tormenta Jr in a church basement in Fresno. American Dragon is revolutionary. He is a fucking hurricane of wrestling. He is the focus of this match and in this match AJ Styles wrestles about as well as he ever has- which is saying quite a bit because Styles has had some surprisely good matches. It doesn't really matter here- Dragon is the vessel and wine. the alpha and the omega, the best wrestler in the world. This is better than the other ROH match they had- which I had as my match of the year from the US last year- in that AJ Styles is even better in this match and American Dragon is even BETTER in this one at making it a completely shootstlye affair but with a Peak Of BattlARTS merger of shootstyle with complete Memphis psychology. American Dragon is brilliant. (5)

 

- Naoya Ogawa vs Bill Goldberg: This match is fucking great. Goldberg's offense is truly man-sized for once. Ogawa sells the assbeating like a true king- and I want when Ogawa started being Murakami-esque in his masterful pro-style-via-shootstyle greatness of psychology. The ref bump is waaay too long but I can't overlook the bizarre goodness present in this match to bitch about the booking. Ogawa? OGAWA! Wild.

 

- Solar/Dos Caras Jr vs Kaz Hayashi/ Satoshi Kojima: Solar is so fucking awesome. He and Kaz have a EMLL 1997 Solar vs Altraman Jr mat section that makes you believe in the power of lucha. Lucha is about grace and beauty and Solar on the mat and Kaz hanging like a motherfucker with him is about as graceful as wrestling gets. Dos Caras Jr wrestles exactly like Edge. Exactly like Edge. Kojima wrestles just like A-Train. Just like A-Train. I takes giant steps down when the divine Solar and divine Kaz Hayashi relenquish the rein of the match.

 

- the 2 matches of Kazuhiko Ogasawara vs Akio Kobayashi: Both of these matches were wild and you could feel the hate- and if you got hate, you got wrestling I want to see. I didn't adore these two as much you both did. The kick into the ringpost was completely beautiful.

 

I remember hardly anything from the Ogawa vs Kawada match. I don't think I liked it as much as Ogawa vs Goldberg. I remember drinking quite a bit. Though I must say that I remember quite a bit from the American Dragon match which we watched last. (6)

 

Hope God's mercy and kindness finds you and may he shine his face upon you,

 

DEAN.

 

 

----------------

(1) The best song by Big Dipper (former Embarrassment and Del Fuegos) was "Easter's Eve". I remember the hook like it was yesterday- "When you go dowwwwwn- to tha riiiiiivah! When you go doooooown to the riiiiiiivah!" It fucking rocked.

(2) Mimosa's remind me of strange time in my life. I was entering the third year of being in Norfolk after being broken from my lover, broken from my city, broken from myself. I don't know how folks can sneak into the United States and live as illegal aliens in a strange place with absolutely no support system. I could barely make it with family and friends in Norfolk. Women and sex and intimacy were a constant in my life from agte 15 to age 26 and it was strange to be truly alone in that sense. I can't image being alone in every other sense and not even speaking the language. This woman I had gone to high school with was going through the same experience as I was going through- except I don't think she ever had a real relationship with a man to compare to the giant relationships I had been in. She was smarter than me and she sighed at her fate and went about her day. I wasn't in love with and I wasn't physically attracted to her though I should have been on both counts. She was staying with her grandfather as she- like me- resorted her situation and got on with the rest of her life. I would show up and keep her company when her grandfather would go out on dates- to my friends horror. I would come over and was I was really into overdressing for everything- spending the days sweating in the heat printing t-shirts and living a double life at night, trying to be suave and worldly. I would come and drink bourbon in cube-like glasses just like Dekkert in Blade Runner. She would make me steaks and I would ravage her on the kitchen floor like we were David Jansen and Karen Black in some 70s hard edge taut thriller. It was wrong and it was depraved and it was our lives now. My low point. Her low point. Restaurants I couldn't afford, money slipped under the table and stern condescending lectures from my appalled lover. Hating for having to settle for me, hating that I had to settle for her.

 

3)This Beat Goes On / Switchin' To Glide

 

Hey Judy

Get Trudy

You said to call you up and I was feelin' moody

Hey little Donna

Ooh, still wanna?

You said to call you up if I was in Toronto

I got lots of friends that I can ding at any time

We'll mobilise some laughs with just one call

Like a bunch of lunatics we'll act 'til way past dawn

Soon we'll be rockin', 'til my strength is gone

Yeah this beat goes on

And on, and on, and on

 

Hey Lady

Ooh, you crazy

Me and Zero, request you in the Mercedes

And then we'll ride

So zoomy inside

The sky's the limit, this time I'm switchin' to glide

 

I don't give a hoot about what people have to say

I'm laughin' as I'm analysed

Lunatics Anonymous, that's where I belong

Sure, because I am one, 'til my strength is gone

Yeah this beat goes on

This beat goes on

This beat goes on

This beat goes on

This beat goes on and on

On and on

On and on

On and on

This beat goes....!

 

Nothin' matters but the weekend

From a Tuesday point of view

Like the kettle in the kitchen

I feel the steam begin to brew

 

Switchin' to glide

Switchin' to glide

Switchin' to glide

Switchin' to glide

 

Energy can be directed

I'm turning it up I'm turning it down

Even love can be affected

Harmonies will sweeter sound

 

Switchin' to glide

Switchin' to glide

Switchin' to glide

Switchin' to glide

 

Everybody gets the no, nos

Hear it ringing in their ears

Lots of ways that you can go, go!

Look around, no disappears

 

Switchin' to glide

Switchin' to glide

Switchin' to glide

Switchin' to glide

 

- The Kings

 

(4) We had a weird conversation about how Phil and Tom always think that matches they like I will also like. I always assumed that they thought I was a complete wrestling numbskull when it comes to their perspective of wrestling. I never viewed them as numbskulls from my perspective, but I did think that things that I love about wrestling a lot of times falls outside their Old School stringent appreciation of the artform. Then I realized that at the end of the day, we all just want guys who can make it real and who can convey a semblance of hatred in the proceedings.

 

(5) It compares quite favorably with this match:

 

[DVDVR #110] Daisuke Ikeda vs. Yuki Ishikawa: This is the best match in the history of BattlARTS and I'm pretty sure it's the best of 1999. Ikeda and Ishikawa have a decent string of great matches in a very short time and they always seem to on the brink of really breaking through to the Classic Match status- but the closest they ever came to it was a time limit draw that was reaching too far for the structure of the match. This fixes all their little problems and brings forth the MegaMatch that YOU knew they had in them. The key to the match is that the main story is that both are going to stand in the middle of the ring and try to knock out the other FIRST and then if that isn't working, fight for the Brain-buster if you are Ikeda or the Cobra Twist if you are Ishikawa. The beauty of this is that you have the stiffest match off 1999 but it's the GOOD stiffness- stiffness that hurts like living hell but doesn't leave you crippled in two years. Psychology takes the place of highspots, the level of stiffness overshadows any forays they would ever have into spectacular neck-breaking, and the body of the match is standing face-to-face beating the living hell out of each other or going at it on the mat while beating each other to death. Ikeda and Ishikawa are kind of like how Eddie Gilbert described his feud with Cactus Jack in 1993 when he spoke of he and Foley totally sacrificing their body for the match with wreckless adandon. The difference is that this BattlARTS match a better, standard basis to start from- where actual wrestling skill is added to the innate toughness of the competitors, as opposed to the Gilbert-Foley matches where the garbage spots were the main conduit of action. Those were great matches but they freak shows. Ikeda/Ishikawa is a great match because it is the pinnacle of what Pro Style Wrestling should be- something you and I can't do, something that takes will, and toughness, and skill and passion- it follows logic and the rules that it sets up for itself. That is this match and after all the lofty crap I've said about it, the REAL best part is that there are whole sequences where you go- "I cannot fucking believe he just took that kick right to the face." There are other parts where Ikeda will take GIANT straight rights to the face to sell Ishikawa's kneebar attempt that is beyond the scope of any worked wrestling. This is the pinnacle of worked wrestling in 1999. YOU SO VERY DEEPLY WANT ALL OF THIS.

 

(6) I need to rewatch that and the Sakata/Low-Ki match. Sakata-Low-Ki sucked? REALLY? I was a LITTLE drunk Friday watching W*ING Kanemura/ Mr Gannesukke vs Masato Tanaka/ Shinjiro Ohtani from October and I thought it was just waaaaaaay too fun. Ohtani and Tanaka start hinting at their break-up- as Tanaka isn't on the apron to make the tag after a multi-bladed Ohtani crawls to the corner. Being that I'm assuming this break-up is done right, Tanaka DOES get in the hottag and hits a double lariat and rolling elbow and the whole shlmeil. Mr Gannesukke looked as fucking great as his rack. The Pseudo-Lyger-Memphis booking with the complete interference Team NWO B/W OF SHITTY JAPANESE INDY STABLES taking over the ending made me love this a little too much. Hey, it's Ricky Fuji! And I don't think I could drink enough to ever like Jun Kasai vs Homicide. I am willing to try though.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

A LETTER TO DEAN RASMUSSEN

 

Hey Dean,

 

It was also a pleasure to see you over the Easter weekend. Stopping by your house and visiting your family always allows me to blunt the culture shock that always happens when I accompany Kate to Richmond. (1) I also enjoyed sharing some of the cream of the crop wrestling wise, here are some of my thoughts.

 

-I have a review of the whole show with Hashimoto v. Tanaka elswhere, so I won't rephrase.

 

-You mentioned that American Dragon could have had that match with anybody and damn is that the truth (2). The first time I watched it I was so blown away by Dragon's awesomeness, that I didn't even really notice Styles. Second time around I noticed a bunch of things that irritated me, mostly Styles utterly ignoring all of Dragon's nifty arm work when he went on offense. I think Styles performed alot better in his match against London (3). He was quite the afterthought here. The spot where Dragon breaks his opponents wrist is the greatest fucking thing in the history of stuff. Dragon was number one on the last 500, he is better now.(4)

 

-I have been watching a bunch of Ogawa lately, and he has inexplicably become the best seller in wrestling.(5) He totally takes control of the Goldberg and Kawada matches and owns them with the selling of the leg. He is basically a guy with one really over move, and a really great sense of how to work a compelling match. OGAWA! indeed.

 

-Speaking of Zero One guys who are smoking Ohtani. Ogasawara BABAY! I motherfucking loved those Karate matches. From the really great training montages (6), to the entire dojo's accompaning both guys, to the really fun HK film final battle matches, you get no better. I talked about the first match in my Z1 review, but the second match was even better. It was all about Kobayashi being this really brutal brusier, while Ogasawara just chops away. It was like Bob Sapp v. Ernesto Hoost, if instead of a cooning black guy and amazingly gay Belgian the roles were played by a guy with a pompador and an old dude.

------------------------

(1) I am a grimey Jewish kid from Berkeley, CA who grew up in a two bedroom apartment and listened to Too $hort. I am somewhat out of place at the Presbetirian church and the Country Club of Virginia Easter Brunch. Shit I only own one suit.

(2) American Dragon v. Frankie Kazarian from PWG is a very similar match, and may be even better then this. Frankie fucking future Kazarian.

(3) All though that match was a whole mess of London being awesome.

(4) If we ever do another 500, he has that top spot fucking locked up.

(5) I mean before coming to Zero One, he never sold anything for anyone. Now he is freaking 1985 Ricky Morton.

(6) Ogasawara chopping trees, kicking fire, leaping over cars.

 

~!~

 

FAKE TOMK footnotes:

 

[A fake Tom footnote] This match reminds me of one time when I was studying in Brazil- a little town in the mountains (I can never go back to Rio. She said she was a mormon but it turned out to be a guy named Trey. They're usually cool about that kind of sex act in Rio but it WAS on a carnivale float and Trey was obviously coked up. Luckily, he was also with the US consulate in Rio so they just swept it all under the rug. Trey was reassigned and I got off with a pretty cryptic warning. I was like, "Jesus, I'm in fucking SOUTH AMERICA. I wasn't making a snuff film or something. Lighten up, Pedro.") and I was riding around the country side with this six foot seven girl. Her name was Manuela and she was sixteen and her father hadn't figured out that I was waaaay too Jewish to be Catholic. We could date but only if her blind idiot uncle Augusto chaperoned (he was too blind and too busy chewing on coca leaves to be an effective chaperone). They have a ritual in her village that her virginity would be in tact if SHE actually penetrated ME and they had this ancient folkart tradition of carving these really elaborate strap-ons called Xuxaqezqaltacqaliz- which translates to "virgin rage stick". So anyway, we're visiting her Aunt Caralina- who had this really depressing skin condition on her legs caused by bites from these giant red spiders that are everywhere in the mountains- and we spend a few days in their 2 room hovel (I won't even tell you how we had to go to the bathroom.) So anyway, things went south for me and Manuela when she came across me and her cousin Carmen under a tree. Manuela begins assaulting me with her strap-on when she realizes I was doing lines of coke off Carmen's awesome Brazillian ass and his

------------

[Fake Tom Footnote] Corey Macklin had to take over the Memphis territory after Bert Prentiss did the infamous Re-enactment of the Cherry Forever Scene from Porky's. They brought Sherrie Martel as the Cherry Forever character and Mabel breaks through the window with a machete in his hand, scaring the fuck out of a roomful of naked trainees. Prentiss got yanked off Memphis TV for being the cop shining the spotlight on Brian Christopher's naked ass as he ran down highway 55- assuming the role of Pee Wee. Plus there was unpleasantness during the auditions for the part of Meat. First Moe has this engorged cyst on

-----------

[Fake Tom footnote] I had just finished seeing the roots band Bastard Sons Of Kitty Wells And Hank Thompson at the Black Cat and was hangin out at Dupont Circle after vomiting profusely in an alley off N St. I was just trying to get my bearings as I tried to figure out if I had ingested too much Scotch, too much fortified wine or too much industrial solvent when suddenly I recognize a woman in her late 20's walking with a group of friends. "Hey BECKY!" Her head turned and it was her! My old college girlfriend from the first half of the third semester of my 3 year at Towson State! She yelled back, "OMIGOD! TOM! What the HELL!?" I was deeply relieved that a string of expletives didn't rush out of her mouth because I had actually jilted her for a Howard University majorette (who went on to become a very famous stripper in Baltimore after losing her left arm in a pretty nasty skiiing accident. The one-armed juice-shooting poleslide was completely her invention and is the Triple Lindy of the stripping world.) Becky was a pretty game sporting lass back in the day and I would be lying if I were to say that I wasn't to this day filled with regret that we parted company so completely and with such animos. I was down and out in the Capitol and I was suddenly quite into the new idea of rekindling some of the spark that was lost because of my own folly. Her hair was longer and there were a few wrinkles under her eyes, but her eyes still glistened. She was easy to fall in love with but I was 19 and stupid and young. You never know where these turns in life take you and I was pretty lost by the vertigo my life had taken. Another day another bottle of scotch and another 6'5" Mozambiquan amazonian one night stand. Here was my youth brought back to me and in an instant I prayed that she could get me situated again so i could move forward. "So Tom, what have you been doing for the last 8 years?"

 

"Oh, unbelievably I work with children."

 

"No way! I guess left the three way we did with the lady cop at the Cap Center off the resume."

 

"Hey, when would Prince ever play DC again? We had to get in."

 

"Oh Tom. I still have billy club marks on my lower back. We were so wild back then. I miss that. Even now."

 

"Yeah, me too. So what have you been up to?"

 

"Well, I accepted as my personal saviour..."

 

I was thinking to myself, "Oh thank God. She found Jesus. She might live to see forty."

 

"... sweet Satan. These people are also members of my parish of the Temple of Set. We're about to go have a ritual at Bobby's house. Wanna come with?"

 

I was having trouble remember the parts of the Sammy Davis Jr autobiography that covered Satan-worship so I was having trouble faking it at first but once the woman with the candle's in her ass was brought out