SJL Crimson, April 27th

[Guest crusen86]

SJL Crimson

Venue: The All State Arena in Rosemont, Illinois!

 

NO-SHOW AND THOTH SPANKS YOU NO-DISQUALIFICATION MATCH

Jacob Helmsley vs. Xero vs. Johnny Generic

-Please guys, write.  You're both very good, but you write too infrequently.  This is a triple threat no-DQ match between Xero, Jake, and Johnny Generic.  I think Johnny Generic is 6'4", 260, and wears plain black trunks, but I'm not sure.  He does generic things.  If you don't write this, then I will get you a bus ticket to California.  You will ride the bus, and upon getting there, be thrown into Thoth's dorm room, where he will spank you violently while the latest Dance Dance Revolution mix plays in the background.  Please write, and we'll get you back up where you belong.  Like Raoul in Phantom of the Opera, that's all I ask of you.

 

HARDCORE MATCH

Cutthroat vs. Kojack

-From a hardcore mall to standard hardcore.  They wet their chops in the Toy department, and now, they go at it in a falls-count-anywhere no-DQ brutal hardcore showdown.

 

TRIPLE THREAT MATCH - FIRST FALL WINS

Frost vs. Tod deKindes vs. T-Bone

-A former TV champion and an Icelandic brute who brawled in a mall meet up with Tod deKindes, the man who oh-so-nearly won the TV belt from TNT but was outwitted by a 15 minute draw.  Who'll win?  Whoever gets the first fall, that's who.

 

TV TITLE MATCH

"TNT" Taylor Nicholas Thompson © vs. Vanguard

-Vanguard cleaned house and brought vengeance to shoppers everywhere, winning a TV title shot along the way.  He cashes it in ASAP against TNT, and the results should be A-OK.

 

ELIMINATION MATCH FOR THE EUROPEAN TITLE #1 CONTENDERSHIP

Poisyn vs. "Deathwish" Danny Williams vs. Insane Luchador

-Three men whose paths have intertwined and who all put in impressive showings at Absolution now lock up with a shot at Z's newly won European title on the line.  This is elimination style, and the last man alive will be going after Z sooner rather than later...

 

In case you didn't notice, Stryke and Erek Taylor have been bumped to the WF, resulting in Stryke having to vacate the JL World Title!  Who'll be the next champion?  The winners of these next three matches will go on to Metal to fight it out and answer that question.  Guys, this is your chance to step up and show us what you've got!  Word limits are down only because I know you all wrote your butts off for the PPV.

 

WORLD TITLE CONTENDERSHIP MATCH

Mafia vs. Z

-He returned to action in a brutal TLC match, and he the latter joined XF9 won the European Title at Absolution!  Now these two go at it for a chance at their first ever World Title shots!

 

WORLD TITLE CONTENDERSHIP MATCH

"The Superior One" Tom Flesher vs. "Flunkmasta" Flexxx

-Flesher lost his Euro belt, but now's his chance to move on to even greener pastures!  Unfortunately for him, he's up against bad man extreme Flexxx, who came back and did some naughty things in a brutal TLC match.  

 

MAIN EVENT

WORLD TITLE CONTENDERSHIP MATCH

Ash Ketchum vs. Ced Ordonez

-It's a long fine tradition: the XF9 against itself match!  Tonight we'll see if Ced Ordonez has the stuff to truly step up and join the hallowed ranks of this esteemed group, as he takes on one of its most veteran members, Ash Ketchum!  The World Title has been just out of Ash's reach for so long, but with an impressive win over Jacob Helmsley at Absolution, he's got nowhere to go but up...

[Guest crusen86]

SJL Theme Music plays. Its Britany Spears. Something Edwin will choose.

 

Fireworks explode, yadda yadda yadda. Dumb redneck fans cheer for the theme song "Oops I did it Again!".Idiots.

 

Weakling Axis: (In a highy annoying voice) Welcome to Metal. I am Axis-

 

Before Axis could finish, Suicide King bash Axis (or crusen86, what ever he wants to call himself), his brains out out with the Steel Chair.  Edwin MacPhisto, or big flamer runs away sobing in tears.

 

The owner of the Cinnicinati Bengals, Suicide King begins to speak into the head set.

 

Suicide King: Hey hey hey. Now that the dumb bitch Axis and Edwin are gone, finally this is my show.

 

sigh. this sucks. writing a god damn parody. I should scrap this. But that means more writing.

 

Suicide King: Today we have...uh...something special. Ya. That'll hold those SOB's.

 

I needed a Simpsons quote to help me out. Please shoot me.

 

Some guy walks out from the stands holding up a big cue card what is suppose to be said.

 

Suicide King: Vacant Title Tourney. Ya thats it. And.

 

Guy flips cue card.

 

Suicide King: Xero vs Jacob Helmsley vs Johnny Generic.

 

Stipulation, if me or Jake don't write we get a spanking from some guy I don't know. He's obsessed with Hentai and some stupid fighting game. This guy has no life. Though Jacob might actually like a spanking, i'm sure not into one, unless I was spanking some hot Swedish Model...nevermind.

 

Lights go out for no apparent reason. Dumb ass fans doesn't know who's coming out, yet they hold a program in there hands. Mindless Idiots.

 

Hold on.

 

Phone is ringing.

 

*puts on elevator music.*

 

Damn telemarketers. Now where was I. 326 words. ugh. I need a Pepsi. *checks in fridge* Bah to Coke. 339 Words now. "Unbelievable" by EMF plays as Johnny walks out. Johnny Generic. WTF kind of name is that. Make it more fearful or something. He walks out towards this imaginary ring, where people across the world write a match that is suppose to be...better.

 

Funyon: Who the fuck are you?

 

Johnny: I'm-

 

Funyon: Shut up.

 

Suicide King: Funyon is talking trash to Johnny Generic.

 

My back hurts, my knee hurts, and these stupid telemarketers wont stop calling. I'll save it for now, and come back later. I need a Pizza.

 

*15 minutes later*

 

Okay, so I resume writing this parody. Johnny is suppose to be 6'1" and nicely built. Too me, Johnny is a midget who can bench press 1000 pounds. Besides Axis has some strange fetish over Midgets. Those wacky Aussies.

 

"Meaning of Life" by Disturbed is being played, as Jacob comes out. To a loud cheer. Yes folks this guy isn't heel anymore, its my match, and I'll make him a face. Instead of a pipe, he comes out with flowers.

 

Suicide King: The card is made out to...Get Well Axis?!

 

King flips and charges towards Jacob Helmsley. Though King magically turns into the elk and spears Jacob in half. One Two Three. The Elk record is almost near 1000. Pathetic, am I. Must not smoke weed during match.

 

Elk:...

 

Elk turns back into Suicide King.

 

Bathroom break.

 

Better. In a few minutes, Montreal is playing against Boston. If Montreal wins, they will be up 3-1 in the series. I have 10 bucks riding on this game (Canadian, so its worthless to you Americans).

 

Back in the ring, Funyon and Jeneric are still fightingh. No Iam not fixing any typo-0. It considers 2 much work. Funyon kciks Johnny in the Genitals and gives him the Powerbomb or funky monkey shit of Doom. (Its just a powerbomb).

 

Suicide King: Johnny is out cold.

 

Fear of the Dark by Iron Maiden plays. (Maiden is such a great band. I mean who doesn't like Maiden. The greatest metal band ever, with the greatest singer of all time Bruce Dickinson.) Xero walks out holding all the SJL Belts (Remember, my match, I can do what I want. Besides these belts are probably just piles of shit anyways, that we fight for, for no apparent reason. We could be out with our friends, but decide to write 5000 words for the hell of it.) Brain Freeze. I walk down, and grab the carcass of Jacob Helmsley (he's not dead folks, just out cold.) I throw in Jacob in the ring, and pull Johnny over top of Jacob. (Why not. Johnny needs a win. He is World Champ material.)

 

Referee Matthew Kivell makes the pin cout.

 

One,Two,Three.

 

Suicide King: JOHNNY WINS!!! OMG HE'Z UNZTOPABBEL!!!"!!!"!"!11!!!

 

Xero walks back, as Jacob and Johnny lie on top of each other. (No they are not gay folks, well maybe Jacob is.)

 

Suicide King: Well Jacob will get a spanking from Thoth thats for sure.

 

Fade to black (is a great Metallica song. All of you should download it, great meaning, great solo, great lyrics, everything is so great about that song.)

 

Jacob is probably writing his ass off right now. He's probably kicking my ass as we speak, and probably will win.

 

Oh ya I forgot.

 

"WHERE'S MY DAMN TITLE MATCH!!!"

 

ya better. I feel a lot better. So will Jacob after he's gonna get spanked. :-D

 

911 words later I am finished.

 

This match could beat any Cutthroat match, which is very sad. I spent about 30 minutes total, now I have Friday free. . While the rest of the pimply freaks still write theres.

 

GO BENGALS GO.

 

956 Words later.

 

I remember back in the day, anything over 1000 was considered long. I mean very long.

 

At least i handed something in.

[Guest crusen86]

SK: Welcome back and get ready for a Hardcore match!

 

Axis: It Cutthoart and Kojack who were all part of the 8 man mall brawl.

 

Edwin: None of these men won but it was one hell of a match.

 

SK: Get out the chairs and tables because I want some entertainment!

 

Edwin: These men aren’t just doing this for you!

 

SK: Yes they are because I am the best!

 

The arena turns a dark blue as Boom by POD rocks the arena. A gold shot of pyro goes into the air and Kojack struts out and is met with boos. Kojack slides into the ring and grabs the mic from Funyon and waits for the crowd to die down.

 

Kojack: Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night that I shall beat the living hell out of the punk Cutthoart and then I want a damn T.V title shot. But this match is now in my arena. My specialty. Cutthoart is between a rock and a beating because the hardcore match is my personal favourite. So ill just drop this mic and grab some toys from the ring.

 

Kojack drops the mic and jumps to the outside and grabs garbage cans, street signs, a ladder, couple of chairs, some tables, and a trumpet. Kojack looks to go back to ring side by his leg is grabbed by someone. Kojack is tripped and Cutthoart comes out and starts attacking Kojack. The ring bell rings as Kojack is thrown into the ring. Cutthoart grabs all the toys and throws them into the ring and grabs a trashcan. The metal trashcan takes shape of Kojack’s skull as Cutthoart slams it on his head. Kojack is quickly to get up and swipes at Cutthoart’s legs and makes him fall down. Cutthoart quickly gets up and is whipped into the ropes and feels the forearm of Kojack while he is hit with a clothesline. The mat shakes as Cutthoart goes down but comes right back with a few punches.

 

Axis: Well this match is own its way with both men going at it.

 

Kojack blocks some of the punches and sends them right back to Cutthoart. Kojack gains the advantage with a knee to the gut and slams Cutthoart with a scoop slam. The foot of Kojack starts to stomp Cutthoart harshly. Kojack grabs two street signs and starts going wild and nails Cutthoart in the head with both signs many times. Both signs are completely mangled after that as Cutthoart falls out of the ring. Kojack jumps out of the ring and picks up the woozy Cutthoart and rotates him to his back and drops down for a neck breaker on the steel ramp. The ramp shakes with every impact move that is landed. Both men move up the ramp and Kojack uses his power and lifts Cutthoart on his shoulder. Kojack charges full speed into the steel post but Cutthoart jumps ship and pushes Kojack into the post instead. Kojack falls card on the steel as Cutthoart grabs a breather. Kojack pulls himself up and is met with a few good punches as both men go into the back with the ref watching them. They walk right into the dining room for the wrestlers. Cutthoart grabs a plate and completely nails Kojack right on the head and the plate shatters in pieces. Kojack staggers and is thrown on the table. Cutthoart mounts the table as the legs shake a bit and starts punching away. Kojack is already cut up and is getting beaten. The body of Kojack is thrown through double swing doors right into the kitchen. Both men starts brawling again and Kojack grabs a baking pan. He lays Cutthoart out with it and walks around. A hot pot of soup is grabbed and is thrown into the face of Cutthoart. Screams fill the kitchen as Cutthoart is in pain from the hot soup. Kojack laughs and says something about chicken noodle before smacking Cutthoart with another baking pan.

 

SK: HAHA! Cutthoart is completely burned by that soup. WOW!

 

Edwin: That’s gotta hurt. It burns the skin.

 

Axis: Both of these men are really using the falls count anywhere rule.

 

Axis: Look Kojack is going for the pin!

 

One, T…

 

Axis: Not yet!

 

Sk: Where are these men going to go next?

 

Both men get out of the kitchen with Kojack having the upper hand. Kojack goes into position and places Cutthoart between his legs. Kojack’s arms flex as he hoists Cutthoart up and looks at the table. The table splits in half as the body of Cutthoart is driven through it with a powerbomb!

 

Axis: OH MY GOD!

 

Edwin: Cutthoart’s body is just broken.

 

SK: What strength!

 

Kojack looks down on Cutthoart but isn’t done with him yet. Kojack has a grin as he grabs Cutthoart and leads him into the music room. Kojack looks around in delight as he grabs a guitar and st arts to tune it. Then Kojack feels a sharp pain as Cutthoart kicks him right in the groin. Kojack falls in pain as Cutthoart shatters that guitar over the skull of Kojack. More blood drips down from Kojack’s mangled face. Cutthoart looks around and picks up a snare drum. The drum is ruined when Cutthoart drives the middle onto Kojack’s head. Cutthoart finishes this off by picking up a cymbal and tattering it over the drum that is on Kojack’s head. Kojack falls down as Cutthoart goes for the pin.

 

One, Two, T.

 

Axis: Not yet!

 

The drum is pulled off by Kojack as he opens his eyes to see another guitar heading straight his way and feels the wood break on his face. Cutthoart grabs another guitar and lifts it up high in the air as Kojack takes advantage and kicks Cutthoart right under the chin with a thrust kick. The guitar is dropped as Kojack goes back to work. He lifts Cutthoart up and sets him up for a running powerslam. The drum sets falls apart as the body of Cutthoart is slammed onto it. Kojack falls back to starts to rest. Kojack finally gets up and drags the mangled body of Cutthoart out from the drum set. Kojack drags Cutthoart outside to the parking lot. The night air surrounds both men as they starts punching each other. Kojack uses his right hand to rake the eyes of Cutthoart and grabs the advantage. They approach a black pick up truck and Cutthoart is thrown into the back. Kojack commands the ref to get in the trunk and Kojack drives away.

 

Axis: What the hell?

 

Edwin: Where is Kojack taking Cutthoart?

 

SK: Out for a drive. Well he will be back for more of this match next!

 

*Fades to commercial.

 

*Back to show.

 

SK: Well my man Kojack has pulled up to a bar.

 

Edwin: Hmmm Cutthoart seems out of it.

 

Kojack gets out of his pick up and gets up and tries to drag Cutthoart out of the truck by is met with a sharp right hand. Cutthoart and the ref get off the pick up and Cutthoart starts punching Kojack. Kojack retreats into the bar as Cutthoart quickly follows. Cutthoart runs in and looks around for Kojack as Kojack smashes a beer bottle over Cutthoart’s skull. Cutthoart falls as Kojack grabs a pool stick and breaks it on the back of Cutthoart. Kojack uses the broken end to attack the gut of Cutthoart with a few hard thrusts. Cutthoart is thrown onto the pool table as Kojack gets on himself. Kojack looks the hit yet another powerbomb but is dealt a low blow counter instead. Cutthoart quickly gets up and lifts Kojack up and drops him on his knee for a Manhattan Slam. Kojack is pulled up and is lifted in the air again and slammed onto his spine as the pool table collapses from a spine buster. Kojack rolls around in pain as Cutthoart gets up and orders a few beers. Kojack crawls up and is kicked in the mid section. A beer bottle is shattered on the back of the head of Kojack. Kojack goes down again but is dragged up and thrown into the jukebox. Kojack woozily gets up and opens his eyes to see Cutthoart coming head on to try to hit the Slasher. Kojack jumps out of the way as Cutthoart goes full speed into the Jukebox and completely destroys it. An electric surge goes through Cutthaort’s body as he falls to the floor and is busted wide open. Kojack can’t go for the pin as the bar tender is in disbelief.

 

Axis: I think Cutthoart is really hurt!

 

SK: Wow he is now a toasted wiener!

 

Edwin: I hope this doesn’t come out of our paychecks.

 

Axis: Well both men are down and in pain.

 

Kojack is the first to get up and throws Kojack out of the bar. They approach a white Honda Civic and Kojack tries to slam Cutthoart’s head on that but it is reversed and Kojack’s head goes slamming into the hood. Kojack looks around woozily as Cutthoart backs up. The legs start moving as Cutthoart goes charging in and goes for the Razor Punch but Kojack moves and the fist of Cutthoart smashes through the window instead. The alarm goes off as Cutthoart yells in pain as he dusts off the shattered glass off his hand to see blood streaming down it. Kojack backs up and comes back with full force as he jumps and grabs a hand full of hair and hits the bulldog on the cement and rocks on Cutthoart. Kojack rolls in pain but manages to get a hand for the pin.

 

One, Two, Thr..

 

Axis: Kick Out! That was a close call.

 

SK: Both men are just using everything around them as weapons.

 

Edwin: Where will these men go next?

 

The camera mans moves around as Kojack starts to drag Cutthoart to another building. They walk in to see it’s a country style buffet. Kojack starts off and gives Cutthoart a few stiff rights right into the jaw. Cutthoart comes back with a few rights of his own. Cutthoart takes over when he goes down and hits a drop toehold. Kojack feels his legs and back starting to feel pain as Cutthoart locks in the Razor Blade. Kojack starts screaming in pain and struggles to get out. Cutthoart applies more pressure as he leans back. After a minute of intense pain Kojack extends his arm and sweeps the right leg of Cutthoart. Kojack still feels the effect of The Razor Blade and doesn’t move for a while. Cutthoart slowly gets up and grabs a tray of mashed potatoes. Kojack become Pojack as the mashed potatoes are thrown onto his body. Kojack is stunned as Cutthoart kicks him in the gut and hits a DDT. Cutthoart crawls over Kojack for the pin.

 

One.  Two, Thre..

 

Axis: NEAR FALL! Wow that was close.

 

Edwin: A long two count.

 

SK: This match has everything from beer to food!

 

Both men go at it again with rights and lefts until Kojack looks deep inside and pulls off a blast of energy. He starts going rapid with the rights and hits a hard knee. Kojack gets behind Cutthoart and puts his hand between his legs. Then Kojack hoists Cutthoart up onto his shoulder and drives him through a table with a Pumphandle Slam. The customers start to leave at the sight of Cutthoart’s broken body being stomped on by Kojack. Kojack lugs up Cutthoart and throws him into the walls. A big hole is made from the head of Cutthoart. Cutthoart crawls around and sees something shiny. He moves closer to see it is a trashcan lid. Kojack walks closer to the crawling Cutthoart but is stopped as Cutthoart turns around and smashes the lid on his head. The lid takes form of Kojack’s head on impact and is completely mangled. Kojack falls on one knee as Cutthoart stands up and nails a drop kick. Cutthoart slowly crawls over to Kojack and makes the pin but without hooking the leg.

 

One, two, Thre..

 

Axis: YE! NO! KICK OUT! Kojack just got that shoulder up.

 

SK: Hmmmm I would really kill for some of that fried chicken in the back ground.

 

Edwin: Me too!

 

SK: COPIER! DON’T COPY ME BECAUSE I WAS AND STILL AM BETTER THAN YOU! FOOL!

 

Axis: Well Cutthoart seems to be moving to another location.

 

The door swings open as Cutthoart is seen leading Kojack out into the cool night air. They both go to another building with bright neon signs. They both walk in and start brawling. The crowd cheers as they see that they are in a strip club. Cutthoart gets a knee in to take the advantage but is distracted by a stripper dancing with a pole. Kojack seizes the moment and low blows Cutthoart hard. Kojack looks around in delight and wanders off and leaves Cutthoart. He sits down beside a platform where a cowgirl stripper is performing. Kojack smiles in delight but is cut short when Cutthoart attacks him from behind. They both get on the platform and the stripper runs away scared. Cutthoart bangs Kojack’s face on the steel post as Kojack teeters and totters. Cutthoart quickly snaps his leg and hits Kojack Square in the temple with a Guillotine Kick. Kojack falls off the platform through a wooden table. Suddenly Cutthoart is grabbed by a woman and led into a private room. There he is given a lap dance to his delight. Then the door is flung open and Kojack dives at Cutthoart. The stripper runs away with both men going at it on the floor. Then two bouncers come to escort Kojack and Cutthoart out of the club. Both bouncers taste right hands as they fall to the floor. Kojack starts stomping on them but Cutthoart works on Kojack. Kojack feels his head grabbed as he is pulled down and his face is driven into Cutthoart’s knee for a facebuster. Kojack checks his nose for blood and finds none and he backs away from the private booth. Kojack walks to the back exit and he hears loud running noises. He looks at the direction that it is coming from and it’s Cutthoart coming at him full force. Kojack doesn’t have a chance to get out of the way and his nailed with The Slasher and is also flung to the outside.

 

Axis: GOOD GREIF!

 

Edwin: WOW WHAT IMPACT!

 

SK: I want to see more strippers. But that was fun too seeing both men go at it and those bouncers getting hurt.

 

Axis: Well both men are now in the night and look to be stunned.

 

Edwin: Cutthoart must of smashed his head on the door while driving Kojack through it!

 

Both men lie outside as the ref checks on both men. Cutthoart is the first to get up with the help of a garbage bin. Kojack slowly opens his eyes to see the foot of Cutthoart stomp right on his head. Kojack turtles up as the boots keep on coming. After a minute of stomps is stops and Kojack wonders what happened. Instead he feels his hair being pulled and is dragged up. Cutthoart throws Kojack into the wall with full force as the head of Kojack bounces off it. Kojack comes back to Cutthoart and is kicked in the gut. Cutthoart shoves Kojack between his legs and looks to hit The Tiger Driver but Kojack uses all of his power and counters with a back body drop. Cutthoart’s back hits the heard ground on impact. Cutthoart rolls in pain as Kojack takes a good rest. Cutthoart feels his body being picked up and placed on Kojack’s shoulder. Then after a minute of movement Kojack starts running at full speed. Cutthoart wonders what’s going to happen as he feels wood against his back. Then a second later he feels his body being driven through the wooden object in extreme pain. It comes to be a wooden fence that Kojack completely drove Cutthoart through. Cutthroat lies on the wood but is quickly pulled up by Kojack. Both men go into another building. It ends up being a Nasdaq building! Kojack takes a few steps before throwing Cutthoart through a cubicle wall. Then Cutthoart feels the other walls come tumbling on him. Kojack grabs a steel chair and smacks the spine of Cutthoart with it. Cutthoart feels it right away and rolls in pain. Another shot is delivered but no to the right leg and ankle. Kojack starts going mad and completely goes all out with the chair. Cutthoart holds his right leg in pain but feels it pulled away and the chair placed into it. A table shakes as Kojack climbs on it. Cutthoart opens his eyes to see Kojack coming down onto the steel chair and making the chair snap on Cutthoart’s ankle. Cutthoart yelps in pain as he holds his ankle.

 

Axis: OH MY GOD! I THINK KOJACK SNAPPED CUTTHART’S ANKLE!

 

Edwin: What pain he must be in!

 

SK: SHOW NO MERCY KOJACK FOR THE PANSY CUTTHOART!

 

Axis: Well both men seem to try to just destroy each other.

 

Kojack signals that this match is over and grabs the leg of Cutthoart. The look of pain increases on Cutthoart’s face as Kojack locks in The Torque. Cutthoart yells in pain as the ref checks if he is going to give up. The pressure increases as Kojack pulls more on the damaged leg and ankle. Cutthoart looks around to see if he can use anything to get out. He sees a pen, pencil, stapler, tape, and a steel chair! The chair is picked up and Cutthoart uses all that is left in him and pulls himself up and whacks the chair on the forehead of Kojack. Both men go down and Cutthoart feels that the damage has already been done to his leg. The ref checks on Kojack and is pushed away very quickly. The ref looks confused on why Kojack doesn’t want his help but then it leaves his mind. Kojack slowly gets up and drags up Cutthoart who is favouring his right leg. Kojack throws Cutthoart into the wall again and makes a big dent. Kojack walks away to go look for something and comes back with a guitar, matches, and lighting fluid.

 

Axis: OH MY! What is Kojack planning with this?

 

Edwin: A flaming chorus a presume.

 

SK: This is going to be good.

 

Kojack soaks the guitar with lighting fluid and then lights the guitar on fire. Cutthoart slowly stands up and feels the flames and the guitar smashing on his head. The guitar is broken into pieces and the flames looked to burned Cutthoart. Kojack drops the flaming pieces of the guitar and goes for the pin with the hooked leg.

 

One, Two, Three!

 

Axis: ITS OVER! ITS OVER!

 

SK: HAHA ENCORE! ENCORE!

 

Edwin: Well that was one hell of a match with Kojack using fire.

 

Axis: Wait! What is Kojack doing now?

 

Kojack goes down and quickly applies The Torque. Cutthoart quickly starts to tap but Kojack just keeps it going. The ref tries to peel Kojack off but he fails. Cutthoart keeps on slamming his hand on the floor in extreme pain. Cutthoart feels woozy and gets knocked out from all the pain. Kojack lets go of the move and grabs the lighting fluid. He has a grin on his face and starts to pour the lighting fluid all over Cutthoart who is still knocked out. Kojack throws down the fluid and grabs a match and is about to light it on fire but fire fighters come and quickly restrain Kojack. Kojack tries to fight through but he can’t from the overwhelming odds. Kojack walks through the door with a evil grin and laugh.

 

Axis: What a sick man..

 

*Fades to commercial

[Guest crusen86]

The screen pans the outside of the All State Arena in the great state of Illinois. A quick skim of the crowd takes place, with the camera stopping at the announcer’s table, where Axis, King, and Edwin, who is picking his nose, all sit. The three notice the camera and spring into action.

 

Axis: “Hello ladies and gentlemen we’re back and coming to you live at the All Sate Arena for the April 27th edition of Crimson!”

Edwin: “Magnificico! We’ve already had the privilege of seeing numerous wrestling legends including Johnny Generic and Cutthroat in the ring tonight, but up next are two matches containing the likes of Tod deKindes and ‘TNT’ Taylor Nicholas Thompson. Those two both are eager to win their respectable matches, but only one of them is for some Smart Mark’s gold, when TNT faces off against Vanguard!”

King: “Sure to be a semi-exciting match, not nearly as exciting as the bloodbaths of SWF though.”

Edwin: “Nonetheless, anyone with a brain, which means you probably can’t King, can admit that Vanguard is quite the character.”

Axis: “So much in fact, that Taylor Thompson decided to have a word with Van earlier this evening, little did the explosive grappler know that he was being stalked by Ben Hardy, who had a handheld video camera with him.”

King: “Let’s watch this ‘not quite up to SWF par’ tale unfold.”

 

The screen cuts to TNT and Tod deKindes, who are conversing relentlessly while walking down a narrow, damp and dark passageway. The video footage picks up bits and pieces of their conversation.

 

TNT: “And then I sayz, ‘Apple core? I thought you said Taco Bell whore!”

Tod: “Say, aren’t you supposed to be giving me tips on my match?”

TNT: “Okily dokily. Now, what ya gotta do with T-Bone is wear ‘em out a bit before ya go for any big moves. Otherwise, he’ll…”

 

The two companions’ progression comes to a screeching halt as they reach a set of stairs. Several hoots are heard above. Suddenly, from above…

 

TNT: “Ah!”

Tod: “What happened?”

TNT: “Oh never mind, it’s just owl crap. Shouldn’t Vanguard clean up here with like a doggy bag or something?”

Tod: (sigh) “TNT, just go up the stairs.”

TNT: “I don’t know man, I’m getting the heebie jeebies.”

Tod: “Up!”

TNT (grumbling as he saunters up the staircase): Fine ya German nincompoop.”

 

The two arrive at the zenith of the stairs, gawking in awe at their bizarre surroundings. The dank and musty scaffold sets the ideal setting for Vanguard’s proverbial “hood.” Near the edge of the scaffold, they spot a man sitting Indian fashion near the edge of the scaffold.”

 

Tod (whispering to Taylor): “Is he doing yoga?”

TNT (replying): I’m not sure.”

Vanguard: “Welcome.”

 

The two respectable buddies leap in shock, surprised to hear the voice of the dark knight. Vanguard’s voice is raspy, and barely audible.

 

Vanguard: “Upcoming vindications may enter through the door to the right while all excess visitors must wait in the lobby. Hehe. I made a funny (softly slaps knee) What do you seek oh explosive one?”

Tod: “Hey have you thought of maybe hiring a maid up here or something? It reeks.”

Vanguard: “I asked the man a question.”

TNT: “Oh, um…just wanted to say good luck before our match…may the better man win.”

Tod: “By the way, speaking of matches…any tips on how to wrestle Frost?”

Vanguard: “Ah, the chilly avenger. He truly is cold blooded. (laughs at own bad joke) You must do as I do, use your speed to your advantage, and do not underestimate him. Frost and I have a history, I hope to lock up with him again in the near future…perhaps for the Television Title. As for now, my mind is set on gold, YOUR gold TNT.”

TNT: “Who, me?”

Vanguard: “Yes, you.”

TNT: “Me?”

Vanguard: “You.”

TNT: “Me?”

Vanguard: “You.”

TNT: “Me?”

Vanguard: “You.”

TNT: “Me?”

Vanguard: “YOU!”

TNT: “Well Vanguard, when we go one-on-one tonight, you better have your eyes open…so you can watch me…explode.”

Vanguard: “I’m looking forward to it. Until then, I hope you are prepared…for vindication.”

TNT: “What’s that?”

Tod: (sigh) “Taylor, let’s go.”

TNT: “Toodles!”

Vanguard: “Farewell.”

 

Nightwatch perches on Vanguard’s right shoulder just as the two competitors leave the premises of his lair. The two travel back down the hall way.

 

TNT: “Man, that guy really needs a ‘Things to Do List,’ it’s filthy up there.”

Tod: “Indeed. Es riecht von den Verrottenschweingehirnen. It smells of rotting pig brains.”

TNT: “Anyway, goof luck with your match.”

Tod: “Yours too.”

 

The two slap some skin as they part away, returning to their designated locker rooms. The screen cuts back to the announcers.

 

Edwin: “Wow, deep stuff. Anyway, I need to get some sleep; I was up all night with King’s momma. (King whacks him in the back of the head with the palm of his hand)

King: "We’ll be right back!”

 

The screen departs away from the troublesome trio, as Edwin lays headfirst on the desk in a motionless state, snoring loudly. Meanwhile, King puts his hand in a glass of warm water, which as most will know, does not lead to good things regarding bladder control. Fade out.

[Guest crusen86]

Edwin: (coming back from commercial) …So, then the schizophrenic monkey says, ‘I’m sorry, did I assassinate your penguin.’  HaaaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaaaa!”  (Edwin slaps his knee and his eyes water.)

 

King: “But what happened to the blind stewardess.”

 

Edwin: “It’s a joke, it doesn’t matter what…”

 

Axis: (interrupting) “And we’re back here on Crimson for our second match of the night. (under his breath) And just in time too.”

 

Edwin: “What?”

 

Axis: “Nothing, let’s go to Funyon for introductions.”

 

Funyon: “Our next encounter is a Triple Threat match set for one fall.  First introducing from Muenchen, Germany and weighing in at 227 lbs.; Tod DeeeeeeeKinnnnnnnnnnnDeeeeeeeeeeeeees!”

 

“Shock” by Fear Factory gears up on the speakers and with its first lines the German wunderkind slowly strolls down to the ring to respectful cheers.  

 

Axis: “DeKindes fought friend and confidant Taylor Thompson to a breath taking time limit draw this past Wednesday at the Absolution pay-per-view before “Deathwish” Danny Williams came out to accost both men.”

 

Edwin: “Yes, it seems that Thompson has decided that he was suffocating under Williams’ evil wing and that true friend DeKindes was right along about Deathwish.”

 

King: “I’ve seen less convoluted, incestuous plots on Days of Our Lives.”

 

Edwin: “You watch soap operas?”

 

King: “No, I was just saying…”

 

Edwin: “Finally, you and I have something we can bond over.”  (Edwin throws his arms around King in a big hug and King fights him off with disgust.)

 

DeKindes perches himself on the far right turnbuckle in quiet mental preparation for the upcoming match.

 

Funyon: “And his opponent from Reykjavik, Icealand.  The monster 296 pounder, Froooooooooooooooooooooooost!”

 

Frost struts with purpose to the ring with no other fanfare than “Cities on Flame with Rock ‘n Roll” booming from the arena speakers.  The crowd jeers and hisses at the big brute.

 

Axis: “Frost was one of the competitors in Absolution’s chaotic Mall Brawl, which was won by Vanguard.  While that victory has the Dark Knight battling for the Television Title later tonight, it has also added fuel to the fire of his burgeoning feud with the Iceman from Iceland.”

 

Edwin: “Remember when Marlena was possessed by Satan and she made the bed jump up and down and her head spin in a direct rip-off of the Exorcist.  That was so original.”

 

King: “Shut up! I don’t watch soap operas.”

 

Frost leaps to the ring apron and steps his long legs over the top rope as Funyon makes his next introduction.

 

Funyon: “And our final participant from Sonoma, California at a weight of 275 lbs.  The Steak Sauce Covered Bastard, T-Booooooooooooooooooooone!”

 

The auditorium lights flicker out and a video showing T-Bone’s miraculous win over Kojack for the T.V. title airs on the SJL-Tron to accompany the opening chimes of AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells.”  The lights brighten back up and T-Bone appears at the top of the entrance ramp to a huge ovation.  He confidently sashays to ringside as the fans’ roaring mounts.

 

Axis: “T-Bone, another Mall Brawl participant, has a surprisingly long history with the newcomer Frost since his return.  The two men are meeting in their fifth match-up and we can certainly inform everyone that there is no love loss between them.”

 

Edwin: “Or remember the time the bad guys had to get the controlling microchip out of John’s brain, because it wasn’t Y2K compliant.”

 

King: “If you don’t shut up about Days of our Lives, a show I do NOT watch by the way, I will save my piss in a milk jug for a week and pour it on your head while you sleep.”

 

Edwin: “No, I think the milk jug thing was an All My Children plot line.”

 

T-Bone climbs into the ring and jumps to the second turnbuckle of the nearest corner.  He reaches into his black jacket for his signature bottle of A-1 steak sauce and holds it up to the crowd like it was a championship belt.  They pop even louder and T-Bone uncorks his sweet brown nectar.  He gulps half the bottle and spews it up into the air to come splattering down onto himself and the ring corner.

 

While T-Bone is still basking in the crowd’s screaming and his thumping theme music, Frost surprises DeKindes with a stiff right hand while he is still sitting in the diagonal corner.  Tod sways back on the turnbuckle and then drops to the mat from the shot.  Frost grabs the grappler’s wrist and crisply whips him across the ring.  DeKindes charges into the back of T-Bone’s legs on the second turnbuckle and jars him off to do a half gainer onto the ring floor.

 

King: “He didn’t straighten out on the landing, I give T-Bone a 4.25.”

 

Edwin: “I give it a three, because I can’t dance to it.”

 

DeKindes pops out of the corner on the recoil, still trying to recover from the sucker punch.  Frost glides up from behind and hooks Tod up under his right arm and around the neck.  Without any sign of effort, Frost slams DeKindes up and over his head into the mat for an exploder suplex.  Tod lies in the ring folded in half with his feet up over is head as Frost climbs out through the second rope to punish T-Bone.  

 

DING DING DING

 

The bell rings without referee Eddy Long’s say so, but he simply shrugs his shoulders and leans on the ropes to watch the action with his hand up under his chin.

 

Axis: “The SJL roster has to learn that Frost is a man you have to keep your eye on until that bell rings.  He will do anything to gain the early advantage and the quick win.”

 

King: “It’s called brains and strategy.  Something you two non-SWF champions could not relate too.”

 

T-Bone pushes himself up to his elbows and moans as Frost lays a stomp into his ribs.  Frost lays in another, and another, and another, and another; each more vicious than the last.  T-Bone shudders with each one and the fans boo.  A group of young men at ringside in ball caps and baggy pants wildly scream at Frost and make obscene hand gestures, being careful not to spill their beer.  Frost points at them with a scowl and makes to come over the guardrail for them.  They all quickly back up and retake their seats.

 

Edwin: “Nothing like drunken frat boys to liven my day up.”

 

King: “Yeah, well Frost is a card carrying member of Phi Delta Slamma.  HaaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”  (King slaps his knee and his eyes water.)

 

Edwin: (puzzled) “I don’t get it? That had nothing to do with dead penguins.”

 

Frost scoffs and waves them off with his hand.  He turns back around to continue his work on T-Bone, when DeKindes suddenly appears recovered on the ring apron.  He jumps down to the floor in delivering an axe handle to Frost’s head.  He leans back to bump into the guardrail and then slides down it to one knee.  Long finally wakes up and begins his out of ring count.

 

Edwin: “My, my when Frost was in control on the outside Long forgot to count the ring out, but as soon as Tod comes out he starts up.  How conVENient.”

 

Axis: “Please, Edwin, Lorne Michaels almost sued us when you used to imitate Hanz and Franz.  Gimmick infringement is just not a wrestling thing anymore.”

 

DeKindes plants his left foot for leverage and looks to knock Frost the rest of the way down with a superkick to the jaw.  Frost catches the flying foot a scant breath from his face.  DeKindes hops up and down on his left leg twice to build a little power and then twists himself over to nail Frost with an enzugiuri.  Frost falls to his right and flops face first on the outside floor mats.  Tod pulls himself up to the ring and crawls in under the bottom rope to break the ref’s count at eight.  T-Bone rolls over to his back and uses the guardrail to start his way up.

 

Edwin: “You want to talk about being sued.  (he reaches under the commentator’s table and pulls up a stack of white papers two feet high and plops them on top of the table with a thump and a grunt)  These are all of the mall stores and patrons suing us for the brawl at Absolution.”

 

King: “Sucks to be you, but then again, it always did.”

 

Tod stands at the far end of the ring hunched over with his hands on his knees studying Frost as he comes to and struggles back to his knees.  Long breaks his new count to warn DeKindes about going to the outside, but he pays it no heed as he sprints across the ring and soars over the top rope to pescado onto Frost.  Frost notices just in time and rolls to his left to allow DeKindes to plant himself into the guardrail.  He hits it hard in the chin and shoulder and the metal gate slides back as Tod crumples to the floor.

 

Axis: “DeKindes misses the early high risk move to very bad effect.”

 

King: “Now take that sentence and put ‘stupid’ in front of ‘high risk.’”

 

Frost stands up straight and takes a deep breath.  T-Bone runs into view with a clothesline and puts the big Icelander down before he can react.  The A-1 one pulls Frost up by the sides of his head and rolls him into the ring under the bottom rope to stop the count.  He then pulls the still stunned DeKindes up by his hair and tosses him into the ring with one hand on his tights.  T-Bone follows and climbs back up to the turnbuckle he was rudely knocked off of to raise his arms triumphantly to the crowd and they bust out with applause and screaming.

 

Edwin: (oblivious to the match action as he files through the papers) “Crushed ‘Nsync dolls: $37.  Smashed up tables in the food court: $65.  The window that Vanguard crashed through: $2500.  Total destruction to the sporting goods store: $7850.”

 

King: “Watching you squirm over it: priceless.”

 

T-Bone jumps down from the corner and looks at the two men recovering on the mat.  Frost gets to his feet first and T-Bone slips behind him to grab a full nelson.  T-Bone leans back to lift Frost off the mat to swing him, but Frost counters by throwing all of his weight forward and T-Bone goes flipping over Frost to the canvas in breaking the hold.

 

Axis: “We almost got to see T-Bone’s new Marinader right there folks, but Frost uses his extra four inches of height to leverage out of the devastating finisher.”

 

DeKindes clamps his legs around Frost’s right knee before he can straighten up full and drops him to the mat with a leg scissors.  Tod releases the scissors and scrambles up Frost’s wide back to hook his arms with his legs and apply a rear chinlock.

 

Axis: “A Camel Clutch by DeKindes, but I must say it’s not a good idea to go for a submission with a third man in the match too keep your eye on.  Wouldn’t you say, Edwin?”

 

Edwin: (still ignoring the in ring action)  “Not to mention a stack of sexual harassment and abuse suits from Stark and Frost’s little jaunt through the women’s wear department.  Although I did get one strange love letter to Frost covered in lipstick.  (he smells the letter with an audible whiff)  I would say Chanel no. 5 with polish sausage.”

 

To make Axis’ sound words ring true, T-Bone springs to his feet and launches himself into DeKindes’ face with a seated dropkick.  Tod’s hands let go of the chinlock and he bends back on Frost with his legs still grapevined around the wrestler’s arms, torquing his back hard. T-Bone rolls to his feet with a flourish and struts over to Tod with the same level of flash to drop a fist to his face.  The blow shoves DeKindes through Frost’s legs and places his shoulders on the mat.  T-Bone drops to cover long ways and wraps his arms around Tod’s waist.

ONE

TWO

Frost bends his legs up at the knee and brings them together hard to whack T-Bone in the ears with his beefy calves and T-Bone slumps over to break the pin.

 

King: “Good God that looked liked something out of the Karma Sutra.”

 

Edwin: (still filing through papers with his head down)  “Good thing I wasn’t looking then, because I had a big lunch and wouldn’t want it to come up.”

 

Tod wraps his arms around T-Bone’s waist and bridges up with his now free legs spread to the sides of Frost’s body.  Frost crawls out from under as DeKindes inches his way up T-Bone’s body to his neck with the lock and re-cinches it into a reverse facelock and he drops the man to the mat with a neckbreaker.

 

Edwin: “I’ve also got some family suing me for extreme mental fatigue and emotional damage on their son due to witnessing the brawl, but I can’t read the damn thing because it’s all in French.”

 

Axis:  “A fine display of strength and agility by DeKindes to seamlessly work from the bridge to the neckbreaker.  You don’t seem too upset by all of these lawsuits, Edwin.”

 

Edwin: “That’s because if we lose, I’m not paying the tabs, the guys involved are and Frost has already bought me a smashed up nacho cart and a stained ring canvas.”

 

Frost stomps DeKindes in the stomach before he can stand up from the neckbreaker.  DeKindes shudders from the blow and Frost pulls him to his feet by his head.  T-Bone climbs to his feet with help from the ropes.  Frost tucks the moody German’s head under his arm and grabs a fistful of tights.  Frost goes to pull Tod up into a suplex, but he wraps his left leg around Frost’s right one to block.  Frost takes a shuffling step back and resets to try again.  DeKindes blocks the same way and wraps his right arm around Frost’s bent head to roll him back and over to the mat in a small package.

ONE

TWO

T-Bone comes down with an axehandle to Tod’s back to the break the pin.

 

Axis: “Speaking of that stained ring canvas, our fans might remember a few weeks ago on Crimson when Frost delivered an Early Winter on Kojack on a steel chair and then mocked T-Bone by spewing steak sauce in the air and pouring some on Kojack’s unconscious body.”

 

King: “Frost was robbed in two T.V. Title matches with T-Bone.  That steak sauce covered BASTARD, and I don’t mean that in a GOOD way of course, should be lucky that Frost hasn’t had the opportunity to do the same to him yet.”

 

The three men regain their feet at about the same time.  Forgetting what has just transpired, T-Bone shoots DeKindes a look and the other man nods his head in compliance.  The faces take hold of Frost by his wrists and mutually whip the man into the far corner.  Frost turns in transit and takes the top turnbuckle hard in the back.  T-Bone grabs Tod by his wrist and throws him out in a whip; DeKindes reverses to send T-Bone charging into Frost with extra velocity.  Frost lifts his right leg up and T-Bone rams face first into it.  He falls back to the canvas and rolls to the floor to recover.

 

Axis: “Frost might be able to prove you right King as he blocks the assisted charge with a stiff boot to T-Bone’s jaw.”

 

King: “And when Frost gets his paws around Vanguard, especially if he walks out of here tonight as the T.V. champ in our next match, it will make the beating he gave Kojack look like Bo and Hope’s honeymoon.  No, I mean…”  (Edwin looks up from his papers with a huge smile and wraps his arms lovingly around King again.  King fights and fidgets out, red with embarrassment.)

 

Frost rushes across the ring with his right arm extended in a clothesline, but DeKindes easily ducks under it.  Frost pulls up on the miss and Tod slips in front of him with his quicker speed and hooks him around the head to flip him to the canvas in a snapmare.  Frost lands with a thud on his posterior and puts a hand on his tailbone.  DeKindes runs a little half circle around Frost to build some steam and shoots a dropkick into the back of the Iceman’s skull.  Frost juts forward at the waist and collapses to his left.  Tod lies on the mat for a second to find his second wind.

 

King: (trying to regain his composure) “And speaking of people who are going to get a righteous ass kicking.  Tod DeKindes and current T.V. champ TNT are going to receive a massive one at the hands of Danny Williams when he catches up to them.”

 

Axis: “As I touched upon earlier, Williams had an altercation at Absolution with the too budding SJL superstars when friendship proved to be thicker than mentorship and I’m sure we’ll see many more battles between all three men before it is all said and done.”

 

Edwin: “Mentorship? Is that a word or a type of Greek yacht?”

 

T-Bone appears, having gained his second wind as well, climbing from the outside to the top right corner of the ring.  He grasps the top rope to steady himself as he eyes Frost’s prone form and the fans roar their approval for what might follow.

 

Axis: “T-Bone is going to use DeKindes’ setup to polish Frost off with what appears to be the big man’s impressive frog splash.”

 

DeKindes sees T-Bone preparing to leap off the turnbuckle and kips to his feet.  He rushes over to shake the near ropes just as T-Bone stands up to jump and he slips to crotch himself.  The audience ooos in sympathy.

 

King: “Eh, he ain’t got nothing there to hurt.”

 

Tod hops up to the second turnbuckle and tucks T-Bone’s head under his armpit as he locks a grip on the grappler’s trunks.  DeKindes then climbs the rest of the way up to the top rope.

 

Axis: “DeKindes readies the superplex to surely drop T-Bone hard on his head.”

 

King: “Eh, he ain’t got nothing there to hurt either.”

 

Frost gains his feet and turns around to see DeKindes adjusting to keep his balance on the top turnbuckle.  Frost digs deep for a burst of speed and runs over to the corner.  He rams his head under DeKindes’ legs so that he is setting on his shoulders.  Frost musters all of his raw strength to hoist Tod up and off of the turnbuckle with T-Bone as well.  Frost falls back with DeKindes as T-Bone is also flipped back and the men fold out on the mat like a strangely linked human chain.

 

Axis: “UNBELIEVABLE! Frost just electric chair dropped DeKindes from on high to nail T-Bone with a really super superplex at the same time.”

 

Edwin: “A SUPER-DUPER PLEX!  Hey, I wonder if I can copy write that?”

 

King: “Nah, I used to do that spot all the time by myself when I was the SWF champion.”  (Axis and Edwin exchange a puzzled glance as they try to reason that one out)

 

Frost reaches his feet first and pulls T-Bone up by the sides of his head, followed by DeKindes.  The two men sway woozily on their feet side by side, barely standing up.  Frost backs up a step and then comes into them with one arm under each man’s shoulder.  He lets looses a primal scream to the crowd before picking both men off the canvas and throwing them back down.

 

Axis: “DOUBLE ICE SHELF! DOUBLE ICE SHELF!”

 

Edwin: “Frost is going to pump (claps his hands and points) you up!”  

 

Frost rolls over on top of T-Bone, facing up and loosely hooks the leg.

ONE!

TWO!

THRE

T-Bone kicks out.  Frost rolls over and lays on DeKindes, hooking the leg for another pin.

ONE!

TWO!

THRE

Tod raises a shoulder at the last second to break the count.

 

Axis: “TWO BACK TO BACK NEAR FALLS!”

 

King: “C’MON LONG, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON OUR SIDE!”

 

Edwin: (with bad fake accent) “The side of the girlie men!”

 

Frost sits dejectedly on the mat and then stands up to yell at the ref.  Long puts his hands up in the air in a ‘I’m trying my best here’ gesture.  Frost snorts at the referee and then turns back around to drag T-Bone to his feet.  He cinches the man up under his arm to hit another Ice Shelf, but T-Bone counters by slipping behind Frost and clasping on a full nelson.

 

Axis: “HERE IT COMES, FOLKS, THE MARINADER!”  

 

T-Bone shows that he has surprising strength to go with his surprising speed in spinning Frost up off the mat and down on to his neck.  T-Bone holds the shoulders down and spreads his legs out for leverage as he makes with the pin.

ONE!

TWO!

THRE

A recovered DeKindes grips T-Bone by the ankles and yanks him off of Frost.  The Icelander flips forward and lands on his face with his legs hanging off of the ring apron.

 

Axis: “DeKindes just cost T-Bone a sure win with…Oh, no, it’s DANNY WILLIAMS!”

 

The gritty, mean grappler strolls nonchalantly down to ringside to a huge chorus of boos and bits of tossed trash.  Tod doesn’t see this as his back is to the entrance ramp.

 

King: “If DeKindes didn’t have a Deathwish before, he certainly has one now!”

 

Edwin: “I wish I may, I wish I might, get out of the ring alive tonight.”

 

Tod pulls T-Bone to his feet by his shoulders and reaches between the Steak Sauce Covered Bastard’s legs to grip his right wrist in a pumphandle.  With a loud grunt of exertion, Tod lifts T-Bone up and spins him around into a Michinoku Driver.  His head bounces off the canvas a full foot in the air and he lays dazed on his back.

 

Axis: “SPIRIT BREAKER!”

 

King: “DeKindes is about to have his spirit broken.”

 

Tod spins to his feet and turns around to stare straight at Danny Williams with his arms folded at ringside.  He has a sick grin on his face.  DeKindes points an angry finger at the man and shouts inaudible expletives at him.  Williams laughs with a glare in his eye and shouts back some cruel curse words of his own.  Tod climbs through the second rope and jumps down to the floor from the apron.  The two feuding men bump chests twice while continuing to jaw at each other.  DeKindes finally has enough and goes to through a right hand.  Williams blocks and throws a haymaker of his own to send Tod flying of the nearby guardrail and into the crowd.  Deathwish steps over the railing to follow as security keeps the rabid fans back.

 

Axis: “DeKindes had this match won, but he let his hatred for Williams snatch a defeat out of the jaws of victory.”

 

King: “Knock, knock.”

 

Edwin: “Who’s there?”

 

King: “Opportunity.”

 

Back in the ring, Eddy Long has resigned to simply let DeKindes go off on his own with out starting a count out.  Frost crawls over on his hands and knees slowly to the not even moving T-Bone and drapes a limp arm over his chest.  Long drops to the mat and sails into a quick…

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

 

DING DING DING

 

Funyon: (from ringside) “Here is your winner by pinfall, Froooooooooost!”

 

The two men in the ring lie there breathing hard and totally out of it as the camera cuts to DeKindes and Williams brawling in the middle of the crowd, throwing one wild punch after another and standing toe to toe.

 

Axis: “We’ll try to calm things down during break.  Don’t go anywhere!”  (camera fades out)

[Guest crusen86]

The screen pans the exterior of the All State Arena. Outside many gutter dwelling hobos can be seen as well as Zimbabwean scalpers ripping off 11-year-olds. The screen cuts to a shot of the ecstatic crowd. The camera pans the audience, who possess many signs like, “Frosty the Snowman,” “T-Knochen ist ein boner,” and “Nightwatch’s #1 Fan!” The screen screeches to a halt, stopping abruptly at the announcer’s table. Axis and King are watching “The Simpsons” on one of the monitors, while Edwin sits nearby wearing a “Batman” T-shirt. Axis, still consumed with Homer Simpson’s humorous tendencies, notices the camera.

 

Axis: “Oh! Ahem. Welcome back ladies and gentlemen! We are here live in Rosemont, Illinois for the April 27th episode of Crimson! Tonight we’ve already witnessed a triple threat, a hardcore match, and the myth, the legend, Johnny Generic!”

Edwin: “Woozah! But now, my nerves are tingling, my adrenaline is running, and my bladder is difficult to control taking into account how excited I am for this next match! ‘TNT’ Taylor Nicholas Thompson goes head to head with the self-proclaimed super hero of the SJL, Vanguard! Van has been going strong here in the SJL for quite some time now, and the pinnacle of his career surely occurred last Wednesday on SJL Absolution! There, Van won a 8-Man mall brawl!”

King: “Pfft…he wouldn’t have won if it weren’t for that damn owl and that little French kid.”

Axis: “Frenchie or not, Vanguard is here tonight for two reasons and two reasons only. The first is to gain the Television Championship, and the other is because his contract obligates him to do so.”

King: “Oh please. If he didn’t wrestle he’d just sit up in the rafters rolling dubies with his owl friends. Back when I was SWF Champion, I didn’t have any help rolling my dubies!”

 

King’s fellow commentator’s gawk at him with a look of concern on their faces.

 

King: “Um, I mean, not that I DID roll dubies in the first place.”

Axis: (sigh) “On the other hand, we have a man recognized by several names, one of them being Taylor Nicholas Thompson! He’s been tearing it up here in the SJL for quite some time, and has never lost a match, with a consistent running record of five wins, and one draw against Tod deKindes.  But only time will tell who is the better man, and we’re wasting it. We go down now to ring announcer Funyon!”

Funyon: “This contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the SJL Jobbers…um…Television Championship! Entering the ring area, hailing from parts unknown, we’ll just call it Vanguardville, Vanguardia, weighing in at a lean mean, crime fighting machine 219 pounds! Cyclone Comet…er…sorry, Vaaaaaannnnnnguaaaaaaarrrrrrddddd!!!!!!”

Edwin: “Woo! Go Vanguard, go Vanguard, it’s your birthday, it’s your birthday!”

 

The lights dim, silencing the crowd. The first few beats of “Rock Superstar” by Cypress Hill blast from the speakers. Suddenly, a faint noise is heard. “Hoot, hoot.” Nightwatch comes soaring down from the rafters, circling the ring like a 6-year-old playing duck, duck, goose. Suddenly, an ominous figure emerges from the sky above.

 

King: “Great. All he needs now is a Van-signal, a Van-mobile, and an ambiguously homosexual sidekick named Robin, and he’s set.”

Edwin: “Robin was not gay! He just liked wearing leotards, that’s all.”

 

Vanguard swings down from the rafters, hooked to them by a stable bungee cord, which slowly lowers him into the ring below. Vanguard drops from about 10 feet above the ring, landing on his feet. The crowd cheers fervently, but Vanguard doesn’t seem to care, merely staring a glassy eyed stare towards the entrance way, awaiting the biggest challenge of his oh-so short career, Taylor Nicholas Thompson.

 

Edwin: “I’m afraid! Eeek!”

King: “Yeah well, back in my ML days, I went up against guys ten fold more intimidating than this crime-fighting jackass.”

Axis: “Really, like who?”

King: “Johnny Generic.”

Axis: “Ah, true, Generic surely is one of the most feared grapplers to ever enter the squared circle.”

Edwin: “You know…”

King: “Yes, I know you’ll be retired by the end of the week, why do you ask?”

Edwin: “Oh go fuck Stacy Kiebler up the ass.”

King: “Gladly, where’s she at?”

Axis: “As interesting as whatever you two are bickering about is, our next competitor is ready!”

Funyon: “The second competitor in this bout, hailing from Anaheim, California, weighing in at 267 pounds of dynamite, ‘TNT’ Taylor Nicholas Thompson!”

“Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy!”

 

AC/DC’s “TNT” starts up as Taylor saunters down to the ring, completely pyro-less. That soon changes however, as “Watch me explooooooodeee!!!!!” signals a flurry of blinding flairs that set off simultaneously. Taylor, rather than the methodical pace that is the norm, aggressively bolts down to the ring at full speed, shoves his coveted title to Funyon and begins pounding away on the dark avenger! Referee Mark Hebner quickly calls for the bell to be rung.

 

***DING DING DING***

 

Axis: “This match is underway!”

Edwin: “Look at those two go at it like two stoned llamas fighting over a can of Spam!”

 

The two contestants exchange right hands, as neither of them seems to be gaining any sort of advantage. An Irish-whip exchange takes place, with Thompson gaining the upper hand and planting Van into the mat with a Sideslam! Vanguard arches his back, holding it in pain. Lockup #1 is in action as TNT again uses his strength to his advantage, quickly shoving Vanguard into the turnbuckle! But just as he’s about to complete this task, he’s brought to the ground by a drop toehold as his neck snaps against the ropes! Vanguard stands, observing his prey. Taylor rises to his feet, but is planted back down into the mat with a Russian leg sweep! Both men up again, as they return to their designated corners. A glare is exchanged between the combatants, and they coming revving out to the center of the ring once again! Taylor goes for a hard clothesline, but Van ducks the maneuver, unleashing a jumping DDT on the dynamite grappler!

 

Axis: “Both men are trying to use their strong points to their advantage! But right now Vanguard’s speed seems to be outwrestling Taylor’s strength!”

King: “Oh come on, Taylor’s not THAT strong. Just cause a guy’s big doesn’t mean he can be Andre the Giant.”

Edwin: “Yes it does.”

King: “Why, as a former SWF champion, I think I would know. You know that guy, um, sorry, he’s so easily forgotten, oh yeah the Hville Thugg. That guy’s a pussy in real life.”

Edwin: “King, he’s behind you.”

 

King gulps, and glances behind him at the towering figure of Hville Thugg. How he got there so fast, nobody knows, but what the crowd does realize is the immense anguish Suicide is going through as Thugg forces him to beg for his life with a devastating titty-twister of doom!

 

Axis: “Ahem. As much as the crowd would love to see this, we have a match taking place.”

 

Both men stand in the center of the ring, having a stare down. Irish-whip exchange leads to a dropkick by Vanguard! Wait, no! TNT dodges the move and Vanguard eats mat as he is put down with a vicious Samoan drop! Vanguard’s carcass is pried off of the mat, put in a head-scissors position, and lifted up for a devastating powerbomb courtesy of Taylor Thompson! Taylor keeps Vanguard on the ground, and goes for the quick cover.

 

Hebner: “One! Two!”

Axis: “He kicks out! TNT can’t put the dark avenger down this early in the match!”

 

Taylor begins helping Van to his feet, only to be rolled up into a small package! The ref begins to make the count, but Taylor kicks out before Hebner even remembers what comes after two. The competitor’s kip up to their feet, and begin exchanging another set of right hands! Vanguard hits a superkick, but Thompson isn’t down for long as he hops back up and drives Vanguard into the mat head first with a brainbuster! Suddenly, as Taylor once again raises Van to his super-feet, “Cities on Flame with Rock ‘n Roll” by Blue Oyster Cult hits. And who’s that walking down to the ring? It’s Frost!

 

King: “Finally! Someone to spice up this match a little!”

Axis: “What the hell is he doing here?”

Edwin: “Duh. Isn’t it obvious? They ran out of coffee in the back so he’s coming down here to ask for some.”

 

Frost approaches the ring being crushed by an elephant foot of boos, but opts not to enter and instead slowly strides over to the announcer’s table. The chilly one grabs a headset, puts it on, and joins the commentator’s at their booth.

 

Edwin: “Hey mister! (he takes out a thick rules book from under the table) It says here that you’re not aloud to…”

 

Frost holds up a fist, warning the crazy carnie. Edwin notices this threat, takes out a lighter, and begins burning the book.

 

Edwin: “Hehe. On second thought, I don’t think the rules are important.”

King: “So Frost, professional genius, have you come to share your insight on the matchup?”

Frost: “I warn you to be wary of the Touch of Frost or you shall face the consequences of an Early Winter.”

King: “Oh, I guess that means yes.”

Frost: “Indeed.”

 

Vanguard notices Frost at ringside, and glares angrily at him, but his gaping time is short lived as he is knocked down to the mat via knee lift! Taylor takes Vanguard’s downtime as an opportunity to deliver a few quick elbows and a leg drop! Van stands erect (penis jokes rule,) but Taylor is waiting for him with a belly-to-belly suplex!

 

Edwin: “Heavens to Betsy! What a move!”

Frost: ““I warn you to be wary of the Touch of Frost or you shall face the consequences of an Early Winter.”

Edwin (whispering to Axis): “Is that all he says?”

Axis: “No, earlier he said, ‘indeed.”

Edwin: “Righto.”

King: “Come on! Get ‘em Vanguard! So Frost sir buddy sir friend, who are you rooting for in this match?”

Frost: “I side with thee called TNT.”

King: “Yeah, me too, I think Vanguard sucks.”

Edwin: “But you just said…”

 

Edwin’s tattle-tailing romp is put to a screeching halt as he is smacked in the lip by the Heartbreak…er…Suicide King. Meanwhile, inside the squared circle, Vanguard is back up on his feet, and making a comeback with a flurry of jumping dropkicks! Van attempts a kick into Taylor’s gut, but TNT grabs his foot! Vanguard thinks faster than light on steroids, and delivers a swift enzugiri that levels Thompson! Vanguard eggs the crowd on as they chant “Van-guard!” Van aids the pyromaniac monster to his feet, and hammers him a few times with some swift knife edge chops to the chest as the fans accompany each slap with a resounding, “Whooooo!!!”

 

Edwin: “You know, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, every match in wrestling history can be compared to Star Wars. Now, in this match, Taylor is playing a Chewbacca type role; large, strong, yet moronic. Whereas Vanguard is taking on a more R2-D2-like strategy.”

King: “Who’s Jabba the Hut?”

Edwin: “Why, Frost of course.”

Axis: “Who’s Jar-Jar Binks?”

Edwin: “Ugh, I’m going to have nightmares for weeks now that you’ve reminded me that he existed.”

King: “What do you think Frosty?”

Frost: “Well, in my humble opinion, A New Hope parallels the anaphoric approach of both theoretical guidelines in which this match can direct itself, whereas Episode 1 displays the parademics which are being displayed by the nonsensical flow of the combatants’ chemistry within the boundaries of the ring. (everyone stares blankly at the abdominal snowman) Um, I mean, I warn you to be wary of the Touch of Frost or you shall face the consequences of an Early Winter.”

 

During the announcer’s quarreling, Taylor has forced Vanguard into a sleeper-hold, and by this point, the dark knight is already dazed to the point of unconsciousness. The ref begins to raise Vanguard’s arm several times, with Van Wilder (National Lampoon’s rules) lifting his arm at two each time. Van attempts at several comebacks, each failing miserably. However, after many failed escapes, Vanguard opts for an easier route out of the hold, reversing it into a jawbreaker! Taylor stumbles backward, and Van goes for a double leg takedown, but is promptly cratered into the ring with a Dominator! Taylor hooks the limp Vanguard’s leg, making the cover.

 

Hebner: “One! Two! Thr…”

 

Vanguard desperately lifts his shoulder off of the mat, solely out of instinct. Taylor smacks his hand on the mat out of frustration, but suddenly an idea pops into his mind. TNT grabs Van by the nape of the neck, and tosses him through the ropes, though the dark night remains holding onto the ring apron. Taylor climbs through the ropes, joining the SJL superhero.

 

Axis: “What the hell is going on in that whacked out mind of TNT’s?”

King: “Obviously something smart.”

Edwin: “He’s got him in the head-scissors…”

Frost: “The match is over.”

”Aaaaaahhhh!!!!! *SMACK*”

Edwin: “Mother of Mercy! TNT just powerbombed Vanguard from the apron to the outside of the ring!”

Axis: “Somebody stop the damn match! C’mon, take pity on that poor son of a bitch! Vanguard didn’t do anything to you!”

King: “Except for beat him up.”

 

Taylor climbs into the ring, as the referee counts Vanguard out. (1) Vanguard lays motionless on the floor, a puddle of blood begins to emerge from his face. (2) No movement. (3) Still no movement. (4) Van raises one arm in the air to show the crowd that he’s still alive, though some still doubt that he’s breathing. (5) Vanguard inches over to the guard rail and uses it to aid him to his feet. (6) Vanguard on his knees now. (7) The crowd chants his name as Vanguard manages to get up on his feet. (8) Van begins sauntering back to the ring. TNT sees this, and becomes concerned, he launches off of the ring ropes…(9) …And comes soaring over the top rope like a pigeon on the moon landing right on top of Vanguard with a flying body press! Both men fall to the ground, but soon find themselves rising incoherently to their feet. Both men stagger outside of the ring now, attempting to escape from the dazed state that both wrestlers remain in. Taylor goes for an Irish-whip, but it’s reversed, sending Taylor crashing into the unforgiving guardrail. Thompson wobbles back towards Van, and is caught with a very “Arn-ish” spinebuster courtesy of Vanguard!

 

Edwin: “Ouch! A very un-Vanguard-like spinebuster! Since when does he use power moves?”

King: “Since he got desperate!”

 

Vanguard quickly capitalizes by hopping up onto the apron, flipping off the second rope, and…

 

Edwin: “Asia moonsault!”

Axis: “Um, Eddie, it’s ‘Asai’ moonsault, not ‘Asia.”

Edwin: “What am I? A wrestling encyclopedia?”

Axis: “Well, yes.”

Edwin: “Oh right.”

 

Vanguard slides under the ropes, entering the vacated ring, TNT is soon to follow however. Taylor is dropped to the ground with three consecutive flipping dropkicks, and then further harmed with a standing moonsault! Vanguard lifts the explosive grappler to his feet, but receives a kick to the midsection! TNT gets him in the head scissors, hooks the arms, lifts him up, and…

 

Frost: “Buh-bye.”

Axis: “Dynamite! Dynamite! TNT’s Tiger Driver ’92 that he calls Dynamite! Wait, no!

 

Vanguard flips backwards, taking Thompson down with a hurricanrana, followed by several punches. He stands up, making a cutthroat signal telegraphing the end as the crowd screams with approval. Vanguard begins scaling the turnbuckle…

 

King: “What’s Vanguard got up his super-sleeve now? I’ll bet it’s owl related.”

Axis: “No, I don’t think so King. I think Vanguard has something much bigger up his sleeve! The top-rope spear that he calls the Freelancer!”

 

Van anticipates his maneuver as TNT rises to his feet; he spots Vanguard waiting for him on the turnbuckle. Suddenly, Taylor gains a surge of energy as he kips up, runs over, hopping to the top rope, and lifts Vanguard up for a scoop slam! Wait, no! Not quite THAT devastating, but almost. Instead of Johnny Generic’s career ending move, TNT opts for a top-rope spinning tombstone piledriver! TNT releases Vanguard’s lifeless corpse onto the mat. Vanguard cannot move, but just as Taylor covers Van lets out a sharp whistle. The confused audience hears fluttering from the rafters above.

 

Hebner: “One!”

 

A swarm of blackness soars down from the rafters, methodically approaching the ring.

 

Axis: “What the hell is that!”

Edwin: “It looks like those things from the third Pokemon movie. (awkward silence) Um, not that I’ve SEEN the third Pokemon movie.”

Hebner: “Two!”

 

Several resounding hoots become audible from the swarming mass, revealing them as Vanguard’s trusty owls! They land in the ring, strangely going unnoticed by referee Mark Hebner, and many sink their talons into Vanguard’s black suede pants.

 

Frost: “What the hell are those hooting bastards doing?”

Hebner: “Thr…”

 

The owls raise Vanguard’s leg with all their might, resting it over the lowest rope, Hebner notices Van’s leg, and stops the count. Taylor stands up, enraged, shooing all of the owls away. TNT stares in disbelieve as the “angels” return to the heavens above. Taylor begins ascending the turnbuckle, presumably to finish Vanguard off…

 

Frost: “Shell shocked.”

Axis: “Indeed, that looks to be what TNT is planning.”

Edwin: “Not so fast Ax, I sense something strange. I think this wookie has just completed a transformation into an Ewok!”

King: “Stop with the Star Wars analogies already!”

 

Taylor reaches the tope, and lets out a yelp to the crowd. Suddenly, he makes the “Spock” sign with his hand.

 

Edwin: “Oh my god, no!”

King: “Jinkies! What is it Scooby Doo?”

Edwin: “I’ve seen Taylor do this on an indie tape of mine, it’s the most amazing sight I’ve ever seen.”

Axis: “Just exactly what is this move?”

Edwin: “It’s the super-duper-ultra-twisty-misty-moonsault!”

 

>insert dramatic music here<

 

Thompson stands on the turnbuckle, revs up, and lunges off of the turnbu…

 

***STATIC***

 

News Reporter: “We interrupt this program for a special and urgent report. Liberace is STILL gay. I repeat, Liberace is STILL gay. Thank you.”

 

***STATIC***

 

The screen cuts back to the match, where Taylor is on the ground holding his arched back in pain, while Vanguard lays several feet away, too dazed to move.

 

Axis: “OH MY GOD!”

King: “That was the most amazing…um…I mean, back in my SWF champion days, I performed that same maneuver off of a ten-bazillion foot scaffold.”

Edwin: “The super-duper-ultra-twisty-misty-moonsault!”

Frost: “I think the folks at home who just witnessed this would have to agree what was the most over-the-edge risk…EVER.”

 

Both men lie dead on the mat, neither moving an inch. Vanguard attempts to stand, but topples over. No real noticeable movement is made until Hebner has already counted to nine. Van stands, using the ring ropes to support him. Taylor gets up, standing in the center of the ring. Suddenly, Vanguard charges…

 

Axis: “Freelancer! Freelancer! But it’s only a guaranteed win from the top rope, can Van get the 1-2-3?”

 

Vanguard rests for a few seconds, and then drags his corpse over TNT’s corpse.

 

Hebner: “One! Two! Thr…”

Axis: “No! He kicks out!”

Edwin: “Huzzah! TNT shows a miraculous sign of life!”

Frost: “Impressive.”

 

Van jerks up with an expression of disbelieve painted on his face. He stomps around the ring, contemplating his next move. However, his pondering time is cut short by Taylor Thompson, who forces him into a head-scissors, lifts him up off of the ground for Dynamite…with Van’s legs bashing in Mark Hebner’s cranium in the process! He slams Van down onto the mat!

 

Axis: “Dynamite!”

Edwin: Wowza! Where’s the referee?”

 

Suddenly, a figure rushes down to the ring, unannounced. The figure is soon revealed as the technical mat-wrestler, “Deathwish” Danny Williams! And with him…a steel chair! Deathwish slides into the ring, with TNT still holding Vanguard in the sit-out powerbomb position.

 

Edwin: “Uh oh! I smell a clusterfuck!”

 

Sure enough, Danny BLASTS TNT with the steel chair, with the resounding residual being a loud “SMACK!” Taylor collapses limply onto the mat, as Danny drags Van on top of Thompson. Danny taunts the crowd who are chanting “Ass hole!”, and slides out of the ring, chair still in hand, his business obviously efficiently executed. Frost stands up and departs from the commentator’s booth, a dung beetle dies, no one takes notice of either occurrence. Meanwhile, referee Mark Hebner manages to inch over to the massacre left in the ring, and starts the 3-count.

 

Hebner: “One! Two! Thr…”

Edwin: “Kick out!”

King: “That’s cause Taylor is as tough as an ox, right Frost? Frost?”

 

The commentator’s scan the arena, spotting Frost rummaging through a cabinet under the ring.

 

Edwin: “Hey! That’s my stuff!”

 

Frost discovers just what he was looking for, conceals it from the crowd’s view, and hones in on the ring.

 

Axis: “What does Frost have up his sleeve this time?”

King: “Nothing, he doesn’t have sleeves. Hell, he doesn’t even have a shirt.”

Edwin: “Silence Boba Fett.”

King: “Why am I Boba Fett? I wanna be Darth Vader!”

 

Vanguard, conscious now, spots Frost eying him mischievously. Van strides across the mat, leans over the ropes, and begins screaming slogans like “Good always beats evil!” and “I fight for truth, justice, and the American way!” and “Carmen Electra is hot!” Wait…scratch that last one. Frost eggs on the disgruntled superhero, and suddenly with one swift movement, displays a centerfold from the Chyna edition of Playboy!

 

Axis: “No! Not Chyna naked! The horror!”

King: “Why was that even in your stuff Eddie Mac?”

Edwin: “Um, accident. Yeah, that’s it, complete accident.”

 

Vanguard shields his eyes, blinded by the visual poison withheld inside the depths of the magazine. He stumbles backwards, blinded. Suddenly, he is rolled up by the volatile warrior himself! Hebner crawls over to make the count.

 

Hebner: “One!”

King: “TNT wins!”

Hebner: “Two!”

 

Vanguards legs wiggle relentlessly as he attempts to escape from the surprise attack.

 

Hebner: “Three!”

 

***DING DING DING!***

 

Funyon: “Ladies, gentlemen, and Edwin MacPhisto, the winner of this match, and STILL (cheers) Smarks Junior League Television Champion, ‘TNT’ Taylor Nicholas Thompson!”

King: “Jumping jelly bellies! Taylor won! Yippy skippy!”

Axis: “A truly heroic effort from both combatants tonight. They both gave it their all, and even though the ending was a bit ‘iffy,’ Taylor Nicholas Thompson has retained his gold.”

 

As the soothing AC/DC tune “TNT” fires up, Vanguard quickly stands, obviously enraged. He rushes outside the ring, and begins unleashing legions of right and left hands to Frosty. Suddenly, the dark prince is blindsided by a steel chair! “WHACK!” Van whirls around to see stars…and “Deathwish” Danny Williams!

 

Edwin: “Look at this butchery! The Jawas are delivering several knees to poor R2-D2’s gut!”

King: “Um, ok. So now they’re Jawas?”

Axis: “Uh oh, but here comes Thompson with the save!”

 

Just as Axis stated, Taylor is bolting down the aisle and meets the two hated heels with a double DDT on both men! The antagonists are soon up for more however, and all four men brawl to the backstage area, disappearing from view.

 

Edwin: “Woopity doo! What an action packed match! I’m ecstatic! Now where’s my Riddlin?”

King: “And as usual, Frost’s intellectual insight and Danny’s tubular mat skills made it even better!”

Axis: “Indeed! Anyhoo, we’ll be RIGHT back with more wrestling than you can shake a stick at, including three matches that will help decide the NEW SJL World Champion.”

King: “Meh. The SWF title is where it’s at.”

Axis: “Well, where ‘it’s at’ right now is the All State Arena! We’ll be right back!”

Edwin: “And don’t forget, this episode of Crimson is brought to you by cow dung flavored Altoids! Next time you’re at the store, and need an Altoid, buy a cow dung flavored one! Side effects include brain decay, extreme vomiting, severe diarrhea, flagellant control loss, and of course, death. Snoogans.”

[Guest crusen86]

Axis: Coming up right now we have Williams, Posiyn, and Rickman in a three way match to determine who will face Z for the European Championship.

 

Edwin: Posiyn has got to be the favorite going in to this thing. He has picked up momentum going in this match, from his big win at the PPV last Wednesday.  But you should never bet your money on a guy who misspells his own name to get over.

 

King: I think Rickman can pull this out.  

 

Edwin: Are you kidding? Rickman has had his ass handed to him by both Williams and Posiyn in singles competition..  

 

King: Yes, but Rickman at one time was a badass.  

 

Edwin: Sure, but now he is a  slow, lazy, brawler.  There is no denying his past.  He was at one time skillful, fast, and one of the most entertaining athletes on the roster.  But those days are gone, much like your World Title days.

 

King: Shut up Edwin! That belt will come home sooner or later.  At least I have World Title days.  

Axis: Both of you Shut up! Funyon is ready with the introductions.

 

Funyon: The following contest is a triangle match with elimination rules, the winner will be the number one contender for the European Championsip.  Introducing first weighing in at 235 lbs, hailing from Louisville, Kentucky. He is “Deathwish” Danny Williams.

 

(The heavy grinding grooves of Dillinger Escape Plans "Calculating Infinity" blasts over the loud speakers. The smarktron simply says Deathwish in white letters and follows that with highlights of Dannys Indie and New Japan Matches. Danny comes out on to the platform. He simply looks around, and shakes his head to a small chorus of boos. He walks to the ring with a focused, no nonsense look on his face. He gets in the ring and just warms up.)

 

Funyon: And his opponent weighing in at 195 lbs, hailing from Easton, Pennsylvania. He is “The True Plague” Andrew Rickmen.

 

(Mudvayne's "Dug" violently plays, as the lights go out, and soon flicker back on but the arena is a bit dim. Rickmen's back is facing the crowd, as he arches his back so he sees the wall, his arms and hands form a cross. At the same time he spits Black Mist using the boos as adrenaline. Finally he walks down with a fast gait and slides into the ring.)  

 

The arena's lights go off, and purple pyro shoots up from the stage, as the first few gituar lines of Hoobastank’’s ““Crawling In The Dark”” hits, as Posiyn emerges from some mysterous smoke that flows out of the stage entrance. When Posiyn walks out on stage, a green strobelight hits.

 

Funyon: And their opponent weighing in at 239 lbs, hailing from New Haven, Connecticut.  Being accompanied to the ring by Brianna Flynn, he is Posyin.  

 

(As Myers enters the ring, he y takes off his bandanna and SJL advertising t-shirt, and throws it to someone in the crowd, giving them a little piece of SJL merchandise.  He than gives Deathwish and Rickmen a chilling stare.)

 

DING!  DING! DING!  (All three men circle the ring, nervously jerking their heads back and forth never letting the other out of their sight for just a second. Flynn is heard screaming at the top of her lungs “LETS GO MATT LETS GO!”.  The insane Rickmen lunges at Deathwish and fakes a right hand.  Deathwish buys the fake, and Rickmen ties him up in a grapple.  As the two fight for position, Posiyn cracks both their wide open bodies with hard roundhouse kicks.  The two break the grapple, and Posiyn stays on Rickmen, nailing him with two lighting quick  side  roundhouse kicks, followed by a jumping spin kick to the gut. The floored Rickmen rolls into a corner, as Posiyn sets his sights on Deathwish.  Posiyn drills Deathwish with four left/right/left/right side roundhouse kicks. The crowd “Ohs” at the sick cracks of flesh against boot.  Deathwish leans his back against the ropes, sucking air.  Posiyn grabs one of  his arms and sends him running with an Irishwhip. Deathwish hits the opposite ropes and comes charging back. Posiyn leapfrogs over him, and runs into the opposite ropes.  Both men charge each other full steam, Deathwish swings a clothesline, but Posiyn ducks.  They both  it the ropes and come charging back at each other again.  This time Posiyn nails Deathwish in the mouth with a spinning wheel kick.)  

 

Axis: Posiyn nails Deathwish with a tremendous spinning Wheel Kick.

 

Edwin: Posiyn is just to fast for Deathwish and Rickman.  

 

King: Ha! I doubt he can keep this pace up an entire match.

 

(As soon as Posiyn gets to his feet, the recovered Rickmen greets him with a right hand to the face.  Posiyn staggers back from the heavy blow, as Rickmen draws back his arm for a second punch.  Rickmen swings a wild haymaker, but Posiyn ducks and counters with the same 4 kick combo he used on Deathwish. Posiyn follows the combo with in an Irishwhip.  However, Rickmen hangs on to Posiyn’s arm and reverses.  Posiyn shoots towards the ropes, with Rickmen trailing him.  Just as Rickmen is about to catch him on the rebound, Posiyn jumps on to the second rope and cracks him in the mouth with the Alternative Elbow.)  

 

(Posiyn is a bit warn out and is a little slow getting up.  Deathwish is already on him, cracking  his jaw with an elbow strike.  The blow sends Posiyn to one  knee, but he springs back up immediately.  Deathwish just sends him back down with a second elbow.  Posiyn crawls to the ropes and uses them to pull himself up.  Deathwish flexes his pecs at him, before giving him a sick knife edge chop. “Wooooooo”.  Deathwish gives him a second, before sending him running with an Irishwhip.   Deathwish waits in the middle of the ring to catch Posiyn on the rebound. Deathwish dips his head for a backdrop, but Posiyn sees this coming a mile away and stops himself with the ropes.  Posiyn just goes through the motion and swings a wild kick at the bent over Deathwish’s chin . The kick glances as Deathwish raises his head and gives him a big smile, before charging with his arm extended for a hooking clothesline.  Posiyn is to quick and ducks the clothesline and spins out of the way.  Deathwish turns around, and eats a counter super kick from Posyin.  The impact sends Deathwish through the ropes, and on to the floor. Like a scavenger Flynn is all over Deathwish, kicking him in the ribs.  Deathwish gets up and gives her an intimidating stare.  Flynn backs off and goes to the other side of the ring.)

 

Axis: Flynn is back paddling, she must realize that Deathwish is the type of guy who won’t  hesitate to hit a girl.

 

Edwin: What guy wouldn’t hesitate to hit on a girl like Flynn.

 

King: No dumbass, he means hit as in punches.  

 

Edwin: Yes, that is exactly what I mean.  Flynn is a  irritating little bitch.

 

(Back in the ring, Posiyn bends over with his hands on his knees, sucking air.  Rickmen doesn’t give him a chance to catch is breath, cracking him with a hard right hand.  The hard blow sends Posiyn staggering into a corner. Rickmen keeps on him and delivers a few haymakers to his body.  Feeling he’s done enough damage, Rickmen grab’s Posiyn’s arm and sends him  running towards the cross corner with an Irishwhip.  Rickmen trails, but can’t keep up as Posiyn runs up the turnbuckles and nails the shocked Rickmen with the Shockspring. Posiyn goes for the pin.)

 

One...

Two.....

Thre NO!

 

 

(Rickmen kicks out, but Posiyn keeps him on the ground with a leg drop.  Posiyn catches his breath and leans under ropes whispering something to Flynn.  Flynn jumps on the apron and Kivell turns his back to the action to talk her down.  An exhausted Posiyn takes heavy breaths before pulling Rickmen up to his feet.  Sensing his moment, Deathwish slides into the ring and charges, but Posiyn spits mist into his eyes.  Posiyn slams Rickmen to the ground, and gives the blinded Deathwish a quick kick in the gut. After seeing the mist spray in the air Flynn jumps from the apron and Kivell goes back to the match.)

 

King: By  the numbers dirty tactics from Flynn and Posiyn. It’s not the complexity of the plan, but the excellence of which it is executed.

 

Edwin: I knew Posiyn was good, but I didn’t know he was this awesome. He has been taking on Deathwish and Rickmen at the same time, this whole match.  I guess your  entitled to take a few short cuts, when you can do that

 

King: I still don’t think he can keep going at this grueling pace.    

 

(Posiyn shoves Deathwish into a standing head scissors and slams him with a snap Powerbomb.  The ring shakes violently from the powerful impact. Deathwish rolls around on the mat, screaming and holding his back, before rolling back out of the ring.  Out of nowhere Flynn jumps on Deathwish’s back and starts chocking him.  Deathwish starts spinning around and screaming “Get off me you crazy bitch”. Kivell sees this and rolls out of the ring to break it up.   Posiyn is pouring sweat and looks like he is about collapse. He slowly walks over to Rickmen as he struggles to get up.  Rickmen catches him with body blow as he comes in.  Posiyn falls to the mat holding his stomach and fighting for air.  Rickmen confidently pulls him up, but Posiyn knocks his hands off, kicks him in the gut, followed by The Memory. Posiyn slowly gets up and signals its over. Posiyn springboards on to the tope turnbuckle and balances himself on the top rope.  Posiyn leaps off and executes the frog splash, only to get caught with a perfectly timed Black Mist in mid air.  Posiyn hits the mat hard drawing a “Oh” from the crowd.)

 

Axis: Rickmen using that trademark Black Mist of his, while Kivell is distracted outside of the ring.

 

King: This is Flynn’s fault, Posiyn should dump her and let the rest of us have a turn.

 

Edwin: I don’t know what you see in that broad, she’s no Panda that’s for sure.

 

(Deathwish flips Flynn off his back, dropping her hard on the floor. Kivell orders Flynn to leave the ring side area at once.  The crowd cheers as Kivell forces her to the back, while Deathwish does a mocking wave goodbye.  Kivell gets back in the ring to officiate the match.  Rickmen gives an evil grin and pulls the lifeless Posiyn to this feet.  Rickmen quickly drills his head in the mat, with the Evenflow DDT.  Posiyn lays motionless on the mat, and Rickmen doesn’t waist any time covering him.)

 

One....

Two.....

Three!

 

DING! DING! DING!

 

Funyon: At 8 minutes and 23 seconds, Posiyn has been eliminated by pinfall.

 

King: What did I tell y’all.  A perfect example of a guy blowing his wad all at once. He barely made it past 8 minutes at that ridiculous fast pace.

 

Edwin: I say he was more of a victim of Black Mist, than exhaustion.

 

King: Big deal, Deathwish got sprayed with mist, and he’s still in this thing.  

 

(Rickmen raises his arms in the air to celebrating, not noticing Deathwish perched on the top turnbuckle behind him.  Deathwish leaps off the top turnbuckle, driving his boots into the back of Rickmen’s head with a Missile Dropkick.  The impact knocks Rickmen face first on the mat.  Deathwish kicks up, bounces off the ropes and nails Rickmen with a Sliding Dropkick.  The momentum knocks Rickmen underneath the bottom rope and out of the ring.  Deathwish goes to the other side of the ring, and waits for Rickmen to stand up.  Rickmen comes to and slowly gets to his feet.  Deathwish quickly bounces off the ropes and runs full steam at Rickmen.  Deathwish dives through the second ropes smashing Rickmen in the jaw with an elbow.  Both men are down, as the crowd applauds the series of fast spots.)

 

Axis: Williams has managed to take control with a ariel assault. A reminder of his old high flying days as a junior heavyweight, before he bulked up a few years back.

 

King: Williams added the muscle mass before returning to the States, cause he knew it would be impossible to find work in the states as a Junior.  

 

Edwin: Yeah, Williams did weigh around 205 when he wrestled in Japan. He managed to put on 30 pounds of muscle in just a year.  If you ask me it takes a little more than protein shakes to put on that kind of muscle mass.

 

(Deathwish gets up and pulls Rickmen to his feet with a front headlock.  Deathwish throws Rickmen’s arm over his shoulder, and lifts him in the air for the Suplex.  Deathwish snaps down, driving Rickmen’s head into the floor with a Brainbuster.  Deathwish slowly gets up holding his back, and rolls back into the ring.  Rickmen lays motionless on the floor as Kivell continues to count “Ten......Eleven......Twelve.......Thirteen.......Fourteen.........Fifteen”.  Rickmen starts to move, slowly getting on his knees and starting to crawl to the apron.  A focused Deathwish waits on the inside motioning for Rickmen to come on.  As Kivell counts “Seventeen.....Eighteen.....Nineteen” Rickmen climbs on to the apron.  Deathwish shoves Kivell out of the way, and reaches over the ropes pulling Rickmen up by his hair.  Deathwish locks on a front headlock and lifts Rickmen vertically over the ropes.  Deathwish snaps down, driving Rickmen’s head to the mat with another Brainbuster.  Deathwish floats over for the pin.)

 

One.....

Two......

Thre NO!

 

(Rickmen raises a shoulder up.  Deathwish responds by locking on a kneeling side Headlock. Rickmen screams as Deathwish twists and jerks on his neck. Rickmen manages to push himself up to a vertical base, relieving some of the pressure.  Deathwish keeps the Side Headlock on, and continues to grind Rickmen’s neck.  Rickmen gets some space, and starts driving elbows into Deathwish’s abs.  Deathwish fights the pain, and adds more pressure to the Headlock.  Rickmen realizes he is fighting a losing battle, and tries walking Deathwish to the ropes.  Despite Deathwish trying to trip him up, Rickmen manages to make it to the ropes.  Instead of waiting for Kivell to break the hold, an impatient Rickmen shoves Deathwish into the ropes and shoots him off.   However the momentum from the ropes isn’t enough, as Deathwish manages to keep the Headlock on, dragging Rickmen to the center of the ring and back into a kneeling Side Headlock.  The crowd is dead silent.)

 

Edwin: Wow! Williams really has that headlock applied tightly.  He isn’t gonna let go.

 

Axis: Yes, Williams is relentless in working over Rickmen’s neck. It appears he isn’t even gonna bother to look for the Chickenwing.  He’s just looking for the knockout.

 

(Deathwish quickly releases the Side Headlock in favor of a Front Headlock.  Deathwish twists Rickmen’s neck from side to side, as he forces him back up to the vertical position.  With no leverage other than Rickmen’s neck, Deathwish lifts Rickmen in the air from the Front Headlock and falls backwards into a  High Angle DDT.  The crowd comes back to life after the high impact moves.  Rickmen isn’t knocked out, but is rolling around on the mat holding the back of his neck and screaming.  Deathwish grabs hold of his head, and forces him to lie still face down on the mat.  Deathwish raises his legs high in the air, almost doing a hand stand, before dropping his knee hard on Rickmen’s neck.  Rickmen screams and tries to get away, but Deathwish keeps him on the mat. Deathwish rasies up again and drops a second knee.  This time Rickmen gets away and rolls on to the apron.  Deathwish confidently follows him out.  Deathwish pulls Rickmen up by his hair and lifts him upside with a tilt a whirl.  Deathwish struggles to put him in position for the tombstone, but Rickmen wiggles free and somehow lands inside the ring. Before Deathwish knows what’s happening,  Rickmen pounds him with a few right hands.  A dazed Deathwish remains on the apron, with his back turned to the ring, trying to clear his head. Rickmen quickly climbs to the top turnbuckle and leaps off at Deathwish.  In mid air Rickmen catches Deathwish’s head and drives him face first  to the floor with a Bulldog from the apron.   The crowd bursts into a loud “Holy Shit!” chant.)

 

Edwin: HOLY S.....

 

Axis: Don’t you dare Edwin, were on national T.V.  Need I remind you most of wrestling’s fan base is children.  

 

King: Oh its O.K. for the kids  to see poor Danny Williams get his face smashed into the floor, but its not O.K. for them to hear the word (Bleep)! What the (Bleep)?  Iam being bleeped.

 

(Both men are down, but Deathwish obviously is in the worse shape. After Kivell makes it to “Ten” on the count out, Rickmen becomes the  first man to show signs of life.  Rickmen slowly gets to his feet and rolls back into the ring.  Deathwish remains on the outside lying face down.  Kivell keeps counting and makes it to “Seventeen”.  But Deathwish still lays on the mat face down without moving.  Rickmen gets pissed and slides out of the ring, forcing Kivell to start the count over.)

 

(Rickmen investigates Deathwish’s lifeless body.  Rickmen gives him a few nudges with his boot, but there is no response.  A puzzled Rickmen bends down beside him and pulls his head up.  As soon as Rickmen releases Deathwish’s head, it falls lifelessly back to the mat.  Rickmen shrugs his shoulders and gets a hudge grin on his face.  He hooks his arms underneath Deathwish’s arm pits and pulls him up.  Deathwish’s legs are completely limp, and Rickmen is the only thing holding him up.  Rickmen manages to sit him on the apron and roll him into the ring.  Rickmen slides in and stands over the still lifeless Deathwish.  Rickmen starts giving him taunting kicks to the head, while yelling “Get Up! Get Up!”.  Rickmen still doesn’t get a response, so he just starts laughing.  A brief “Deathwish” chant breaks out but dies pretty quickly.  Kivell leans over and investigates Deathwish, forcing open his eyes and taking a look at his pupils.  Kivell is about to call for a doctor, but Rickmen pulls him out of the way.  Rickmen mounts Deathwish and starts slapping his face while insulting him.  Deathwish starts to come to, and Rickmen gets off of him.)  

 

King: Thank God, he’s moving,  for a second I thought Williams was dead.

 

Edwin: No he’s not dead, but he has taken enough crack to kill an elephant.  

 

(Rickmen lets Deathwish stagger to his feet, before flooring him with an easy scoop slam near a corner.  Rickmen steps on to the apron and climbs to the tope rope.  Once on the top Rickmen yells “I am the True Plague” drawing a chorus of “boos” from the crowd.  Cameras flash, as Rickmen leaps off, executing a perfect 450 Splash.  Rickmen hits Deathwish so hard, he bounces off him.  Rickmen grunts and  holds his ribs a few seconds before crawling on top of Deathwish for the pin.)

 

One....

Two.....

Thr NO!

 

(Deathwish raises his shoulder up.  Rickmen just grins and pulls Deathwish to his feet. Rickmen smacks Deathwish with two hard left/right rounhouse kicks to his  ribs.  Rickmen finishes the combo with a spin kick to Deathwish’s chin.  Deathwish falls backwards into the corner. A battered Deathwish slumps in the corner, as a grinning Rickmen approaches him.  Rickmen starts the Beginning of the End with a snapping right hand, followed with a roundhouse kick, and a another punch.  Just like last time, Deathwish covers up, but Rickmen keeps swinging away.  Rickmen gives up on trying to hit Deathwish’s head, and starts throwing haymakers to his body.  After having the wind knocked out of him with the first couple shots,  Deathwish lowers his arms to protect to his stomach.  Rickmen goes back to the head, and catches Deathwish with a few punches.  Deathwish raises his arms and blocks the rest.  Rickmen’s punches keep getting slower and sloppier, finally Deathwish counters with a stiff elbow to the jaw.  Rickmen shakes it off, and tries to regain control by swinging wildy, but his punches have nothing on them. Deathwish shrugs off the arm punches and nails him with hard elbow to the temple.  This one hurts Rickmen and causes him to stagger back.)  

 

Axis: We’ve seen this before.  Williams let Rickmen burn himself out with the punch furry, only to capitalize with those vicious elbows.

 

Edwin: Those who don’t learn from the past, are doomed to repeat it.

 

King: That was the first intelligent thing you said all night.  I bet you can’t tell me who’s quote that is.

 

Edwin: Ummmmm Yoda?

 

(Deathwish lunges out of the corner with a the Roaring Elbow.  Rickmen ducks and traps (Deathwish in a Full Nelson. Rickmen shoves Deathwish face first into the turnbuckle.  Rickmen raises him up, and starts driving his head repeatedly into the turnbuckle. After about ramming his head six times into the turnbuckle, Rickmen spins him around in the Full Nelson, to set up The Brink of Insanity.  Before Rickmen can leap on to the second rope, Deathwish starts to power his way out of the Full Nelson. Rickmen tries desperately to keep his fingers locked, but Deathwish is to strong. Deathwish brings his arms down, breaking the Full Nelson.  Deathwish drives three quick back elbows to Rickmen’s face and spins around.  Deathwish starts a left/right elbow combo to Rickmen’s jaw.  Rickmen’s head bounces sickly back and forth with each blow.   Rickmen brings his arms up and manages to block most of the elbows.  Deathwish starts to get winded, and he starts to take more and more time in between each swing.  Suddenly Rickmen throws two right hands to Deathwish’s chin back him up.  Rickmen follows with a haymaker to his body and finishes The Plague with a heavy dropkick to his chest.)

 

Axis: Rickmen is coming back with The Plague.

 

King: Ha! I told you guys, Rickmen could pull it off.

 

(Deathwish loses his balance and staggers backwards to the center of the ring.  Rickmen lunges with a cracking right hand to Deathwish’s face.  Deathwish nearly goes down, but comes back with an elbow strike. Deathwish swings a second elbow but Rickmen beats him to the punch with a hard right hand. The crowd “Ohs” after hearing Deathwish’s jaw pop from the blow.  Deathwish can’t feel the ground and stumbles backwards into the ropes.  Rickmen stays on him and starts swinging haymaker after haymaker.)

 

King: The ropes are the only thing keeping Deathwish on his feet.  

 

Edwin: C’mon Deathwish fight back!

 

(Deathwish shells up as Rickmen punishes his arms and body with big blows.  Deathwish drops his arms to protect his body, and Rickmen swings a wild right hook at his head.  Deathwish ducks and spins off the ropes. Deathwish locks on a back waistlock and tosses Rickmen with a Release German Suplex.  Rickmen sickly lands right on his head  and lays motionless on the mat.)

 

Edwin: Ouch! He landed right on his head.  

 

King: No! No! Dammit! Rickmen you walked right into that one.

 

Axis: Williams looked like he was gonna go, but he went right back to where he found success earlier in the match: the neck of Rickmen.  I will be very surprised, if Rickmen can come back from that.

 

King: Of course he can, Rickmen’s taken a lot worse than that.

 

(A punch drunk Deathwish gets up, but loses his balance and falls back to the mat.  Kivell starts counting as both men are down.  Kivell gets to “five” when Rickmen gets to his knees.  He has a blank expression on his face, as blindly feels for the ropes, finally finding them.  Deathwish gets to his feet, rubbing his jaw. Rickmen pulls himself up using the ropes, but just leans against them with his back to Deathwish.  Deathwish stalks him and quickly locks on a Full Nelson.  Deathwish snaps back with a brutal Release Dragon Suplex. Rickmen lands on his head, and rolls on to his knees.)

 

Axis: Rickmen is out on his feet....I mean knees.  

 

Edwin: The lights are turned on, but their’s nobody home.

 

(Rickmen remains sitting on his knees with his upper body slumped over lifelessly.  An exhausted Deathwish slowly gets to his feet and locks  a Double Arm Chickenwing on Rickmen.  Deathwish pulls him to his feet, and snaps back with a Release Tiger Suplex.  Rickmen again lands sickly on his head, and lays motionless on the mat. Deathwish wipes his mouth and notices he is bleeding a little from his gum.  Taking his time Deathwish slowly walks over to Rickmen.  He casually rolls him over and covers for the pin.)

 

One....

Two.....

Three!

 

(NO! Kivell points to Rickmen’s foot lying underneath the bottom rope.  Deathwish just hooks the leg and Kivell counts again.)

 

One...

Two.....

Three!

 

DING! DING! DING!  (Deathwish slowly gets up, still feeling the effects from Rickmen’s punches.  The crowd gives a small applause, but just as usual Deathwish doesn’t care.  He spits on the knocked out Rickman, rolls out of the ring and walks back to the locker room.  Rickmen comes to, and instead of being pissed, he has a sick grin on his face.)  

 

Axis: Well it looks like Deathwish is on his way to face Z for the European Title.

 

Edwin: It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.(sarcasm)

 

King: Dammit! Rickmen had him beat.  Why the hell was he trying to brawl with a guy that outweighed him by 40 pounds anyway?

 

Edwin: Cause he’s a lazy piece of Sh......

 

Axis: Edwin! I warned you.  Stay Tuned folks will be back after this commercial break.

[Guest crusen86]

…And we’re back! The camera does another pan around the Illinois crowd, jacked as ever! As the crowd screams and jumps around! Finally, the camera stops it’s dramatic spiral, coming to rest on the announcer’s table, manned, as always, by The Usual Suspects. Behind the desk, a conspicuous 6’8” man stands behind the announcers, holding up a “Yankees Su><0rs” sign. For whatever reason, even in Illinois, he’s wearing a Red Socks jersey. Axis greets the fans…

 

Axis: “And welcome back to SJL metal! Living large from the All State Arena in Rosemont, Illinois!”

 

Edwin: “Right-o Axis! And we’re about to start one of the most exciting events EVER on Crimson, three consecutive matches to determine the No.1 contenders to Stryke’s now vacated World Title! I’m so excited, I can hardly contain myself!”

 

King: “Put a sock in it, Schavonie… Ugh, how disgraceful this is. Stryke, one of the most deserving and hard working men EVER to get the JL world title, is… besmirched by XF9 before he leaves for the WF! It was… it was…!”

 

Edwin: “Beee-youtiful! Ced and Z give Stryke the best parting gift EVER, a spray of glue and a box of feathers! The Carnival couldn’t of done better!”

 

King: “How can you SAY that, MacPhisto?!”

 

Edwin: “Well, my brain sends a message to my vocal chords, telling them to vibrate. This produces a raw sound, which I use my tongue and lips to shape into a--”

 

King: “Bah! I can’t wait til’ tomorrow, when I’ll be rid of you and your stupid, panda loving, prank dropping, stuffed shirt British carnival antics for good!”

 

Axis: “You two don’t quit, do you? Sigh. Well, anyway folks, the first match of this mini-tournament features Z and Mafia facing off against each other. These two have never faced off against one another in the past, but with a shot at the world title, it’s safe to assume exactly how this match is going to shape up…”

 

Edwin: “A parallelogram?”

 

Axis: “Pardon?”

 

Edwin: “Is it going to shape up like a parallelogram? Maybe an Isosceles Triangle?”

 

Axis: “…Edwin, it’s a saying. It’s supposed to mean how the match is going to go.”

 

Edwin: “Yes, and I think the match it going to ‘go’ in some sort of parallelogram! Say, a ‘squared circle’?”

 

As Axis sighs, Funyon steps into the ring, clad in his always fetching Tuxedo. He clears his throat, as the Audience calms down a little. He speaks…

 

Funyon: “The following match, scheduled for one fall… is the first of three WORLD TITLE CONTENDERSHIP MATCHES!” (The crowd pops funky monkey! “Introducing first…”

 

The cheery pop sounds of Faith No More's 'Epic' funk over the stereo system, as the crowd electrifies with cheers! A single spotlight shines down on the ramp, as Z throws aside the curtain, shuffling his way down the ramp, Euro Title slung proudly over his shoulder!

 

Funyon: “From Trenton, New Jersey! Weighing in at 229lbs, he is the SJL European Champion! Representing EXX… EFF… NINE… Z!!”

 

Z spins on his heel, banging off a quick salute to the crowd, before rolling under the bottom rope. Z climbs up the turnbuckle, holding the Euro Title high in the air, and giving the fans a good view of his new jacket, this time in black and yellow.

 

Axis: “Z dressed up in a bit of a pallet swap tonight, looking kind of like a bumblebee…”

 

King: “Well, he can certainly be as obnoxious as one.”

 

Axis: “Anyway, at Absolution, Z finally overcame Tom Flesher, pulling it all together to win the European Title. Unfortunately, it came at the price of Ced Ordonez, who was eliminated in the match.”

 

As Axis explains, a replay of the match at Absolution fills the screen, showing The early stages of the match, Danny’s elimination and subsequent snapping, Ced’s elimination due to Z being caught in the ropes, and finally, Z’s defeat of Tom with the Shotgun Moonsault.  

 

King: “Bah, I hope it hangs heavy over Z for this entire match. Costing his friend the title, due to his own… gloating! Trying to play to the fans!”

 

Edwin: “Ignoring, of course, that’s exactly what you would do…”

 

King: “Shut UP, MacPhisto…”

 

Z finishes a lap of the ring, handing off his title to referee Anthony Michael Hall, before hunkering down into a corner of the ring. As the fans calm, Funyon raises the mic to his lips again…

 

Funyon: “And his opponent…”

 

The arena plunges into darkness, as a heavy drum beat carries through the All State Arena. The fans quickly turn ugly, as the hard, grunge guitars rip through the stereo system! Prong’s “Snap Your Fingers Snap Your Neck” carries out in full force, as multicolored lights blink around the arena, before several spotlights fall on the stage. To a torrent of boos, Mafia steps through the curtain, arms outstretched!

 

Funyon: “From Denver, Colorado! Weighing in at 215lbs… MAF-FI-AH!!”

 

Axis: “Well folks, Mafia also had a match at Absolution, being one half of Xero’s mystery opponents! In a sickening TLC match, both Mafia AND Flexxx returned, not so much defeating, but just beating the beejezus out Xero. Though the reason for their alliance isn’t know, it’s still an apparent fact.”

 

King: “You know what? It’s going to take more than some stupid bumblebee pallet swap for Z to beat the Gangland Executioner. It’s bad enough that Z fluked a win over Flesher for the Euro belt, but the though of him just competing for ANY kind of World Title is stomach churning.”

 

Mafia has already taken his usual sweet-ass time to get to ring as King and Axis gab. With his ever-present sneer to the crowd, Mafia steps up the stairs, entering the ring. Mafia hand off his leather jacket to Hall, giving him the Razor Ramon, “Something happen to this, something gonna happen to YOU,” speech. Hall nods in wary understanding as he signals the timekeeper…

 

**DING!DING!DING!**

 

Axis: “And like that, this one is underway!”

 

Edwin: “You ever wonder why a bad-arse like Mafia wears a leather jacket? They’re at least 15 yeas out of style!”

 

King(snorts): “This coming from the guy who’s wearing vinyl, and has a David Bowie shirt on?”

 

Mafia stands in the centre of the ring, as Z charges out of the corner as best he can, actually landing a hard overhand on Mafia! Mafia returns fire, and both men duke it out, exchanging four punches each! Finally, Z delivers a punch that is blocked by Mafia’s forearm! Mafia lands a second, backing Z to the ropes. Taking Z’s arm, Mafia bounces Z off of the ropes in an Irish Whip… which is reversed! Z waits for Mafia on the rebound, jumping up in a leapfrog… that fails miserably. Z barley gets any height as Mafia catches his legs between his head!

 

Axis: “Z’s inability getting the best of him again! He’s in perfect position for…”

 

A POWERBOMB! Mafia drops straight down in a Sit-out Powerbomb, splattering Z on impact! Mafia keeps hold of Z’s legs as Hall hits the canvas…

 

One!

 

Two—NO!

 

Edwin: “And Mafia *should* of gone for a jackknife hold! While I’m at it, King, who are you to berate one for being ‘out of style’? YOU’RE the one who enters to an Ozzy Osbourne song.”

 

King: “I do it with *style,* you padded shirt fool. And while *I’m* at it, since when do you need to some fancy pin to beat Z? A King always beats a jackass, and while Mafia may *only* be worthy to clip the hedges in my courtyard, Z’s the biggest jackass of them all!”

 

Axis(rolls his eyes): “Anyway, Mafia’s got Z up, and backed into the corner…”

 

With an already dazed Z backed into the turnbuckle, Mafia takes his hand back, striking Z’s chest with a **SMACK!** Z cries out ‘Smurf!’ as the crowd ‘Whoos!’ on reflex. Mafia tries again…

 

**SMACK!** ‘Whoo!’

 

“Darn, that stings!”

 

**SMACK!** ‘Whoo!’

 

“Sunova’ submariner!”

 

**SMACK!** ‘Whoo!’

 

“Dumb, fuzzy sock sucking…” Z murmurs his curse, -such as it is- as he guides himself along the ropes, clutching at his chest as Mafia jaws with a few rowdy fans at ringside. Noticing his ‘hit’ get away, Mafia grabs Z by the shoulder, throwing him back to the turnbuckle! Aggressively, Mafia tries for another chop… which Z knocks away with his forearm! Z gives Mafia a solid shove, before gabbing his legs from under him! Z takes a millisecond to soak up a few cheers, before falling back with Mafia’s feet in hand, catapulting him to the turnbuckle, face first!

 

Axis: “Mafia went to the well a few too many times, and ends up paying the price for it!”

 

Edwin: “I could have to postpone the match so Mafia can pull his nose out of his face! Ho!”

 

King: “Blarg! Mafia, if I have to re-animate Al Capone himself for this match, so be it! Just beat Z!”

 

Axis: “I thought you said Mafia didn’t need anything special to beat Z?”

 

King: “I’m the King, and by royal decree, I’m changing my mind!”

 

As Mafia now has to guide himself along the ropes, Z rushes in a picks him up, dropping him with a horrible scoop slam! Mafia quickly scrambles to his feet, only to receive a second scoop slam! Mafia again scrambles up, stunned more at the kind of offence than the quality.

 

Axis: “Z bounds off of the ropes, doubling Mafia over with a punch as he blazes… erm… ‘middles’ by!”

 

Edwin: “Z shoots back… and actually clears the hunched over Mafia with a leapfrog!! Good gravy, Axis!”

 

After pumping himself over Mafia with both hands, the Gangland Executioner gains enough sense to look up… and sees Z still ricocheting off the ropes! Z takes advantage of Mafia’s momentary mental cobwebs, grabbing hold of Mafia’s arm, slinging himself over Mafia’s back and locking his feet around Mafia’s other arm!

 

Edwin: “Inconceivable! Z does another athletic move!”

 

Axis: “Mafia struggling to keep equilibrium as Z tries to pull him down in a crucifix! Remember, there is almost a 10lb weight difference.”

 

Edwin: “Inconceivable! Could Z actually get Mafia over?”

 

Z huffs and puffs mightily, attempting to pull Mafia over, who jerks the top half of his body back in return. As the two continue to fight over a crucifix, Mafia suddenly stops… and falls back onto Z, squishing him in a Samoan Drop! Z wails and writhes under Mafia, who reaches over and hooks a leg!

 

One!

 

Two!

 

Th—No! Z manages to power out!

 

Axis: “Mafia getting the easy reversal in the form of a Samoan Drop, but Z still kicks out!”

 

Edwin: “Inconceivable! How did Mafia not get the pin?”

 

King: “MacPhisto, I am thinking you don’t know what that word means.”

 

Edwin: “…so, what are you now? Inigo Montoya?” (Cheesy Spanish accent.) “Hello, my name is Brian Applewhite. You stole my girlfriend. As much as she likes it with someone who isn’t impotent… prepare to die.”

 

King: “…get stuffed.”

 

As Edwin blows a raspberry at King, Mafia pulls himself to his feet, Z crawling up after. Mafia turns to the risen Z, pounding him with a solid roundhouse right. Mafia follows this up as Z staggers into the ropes, presenting Z with several hard toe kicks into Z’s liver! Not about to let Z crumple against the offence, Mafia snares Z’s arm, chucking him to the ropes. As Z rebounds, Mafia falls him with a drop toe hold. As Z tries to climb back to his feet, Mafia drops down, driving a knee into the back of Z’s neck, pinning him!

 

King: “Hey! I see Mafia demonstrating a bit of ring savvy! Right out of my own book!”

 

Axis: “Please, King! Mafia’s gained his first real advantage in this match, and he’s exploiting Z!”

 

King: “So? It’s not like this is the first time this has happened. Z should be used to it by now!”

 

Mafia continues to drive his knee into Z, enjoying his squirming as he tries to get up. With a sneer, Mafia arises, allowing Z get to knees… before Mafia hops in the air, driving another knee into the back of Z’s neck! As Z tumbles back to the canvas, Mafia jaws with the crowd, getting an ire filled response from those in attendance. Z continues to roll in pain, eventually rolling himself out of the ring. Anthony Michael Hall takes note, starting the ten-count. As Mafia finishes gloating to the crowd, he turns to see Z’s retreat. And smirks.

 

“One!”

 

Axis: “I don’t think that that was a very smart move on Z’s part… Moving to the outside is just playing into Mafia’s hands.”

 

King: “Well, honestly, when has Z ever thought with his head?”

 

Mafia paces back and forth, gauging Z, who massages his neck. Z finally stops stumbling around outside, coming to rest on the ring apron…

 

“Two!”

 

Sharply, Mafia bounces off of the ropes, charging Z! Mafia slides himself under the ring ropes, driving his boots into Z’s back in a baseball slide! Z flies from against the apron, falling against the steel barrier with a tremendous ‘Crash!’

 

Edwin: “Z IS BEINGS BAMBOOZLED! DISCONBOBULATED! TAKEN TO THE CLEANERZ GANGBUSTERZ STYLES!!&*&!!111!1!((+!#3!”

 

Axis: “What the HELL was that!?”

 

Edwin: “Good heavens! I… think I’m channeling someone. Not sure who, though…”

 

“Three!”

 

King: “Right. You two are idiots. Almost as stupid as Z, who *still* doesn’t get how dangerous going to the outside with Mafia is! Live and learn, I guess…” (King chuckles)

 

Mafia gives another panoramic sneer to the crowd, before giving a quick biceps flex! Mafia points to Z, before backing himself up against the ropes again…

 

Axis: “I think Mafia may be looking to finish off Z early with a little high risk!”

 

King: “Damn straight! If you’re gonna’ beat a man, beat him with flair!”

 

“Four!”

 

Mafia springs off the ropes, charging to the other end! He grasps the top-rope, giving himself a little more lift as he takes a mighty leap, cannon balling with a senton atomico towards Z… who moves out of the way!! Mafia topples back first into the guardrail, with an even worse sounding “CRASH!” The fans explode with cheers as Mafia droops onto the protective mats. Hall is forced to restart the count…

 

“One!”

 

Axis: “Jezus, Mary and Joseph! Z moved from the senton, letting Mafia collide with the steel rail! It’s a total yard sale!”

 

King: “Good lord! Is Mafia Ok!?”

 

Edwin(caveman voice): “No. That Mafia.” (Points to Z) “That Z.” (Points to self) “o.k. be o.k.”

 

“Two!”

 

King: “…”

 

Axis: “Riiiight. Anyway, King, it’s unusual for you to be upset about someone else’s wellbeing…”

 

King: “I wanted to know if Mafia was okay! If he was, that way I could beat the crap out of him for missing that on Z!”

 

“Three!”

 

Slowly, Z pulls himself up from his place on the ground, using the audience’s “Let’s go Z! Let’s go Z!” chant as encouragement! With one hand, Z grabs Mafia around the shirt, pulling the listless man up to his feet. After considerable effort, Z takes Mafia’s hands, throwing him to the ringpost! Mafia will only be thrown a few steps, stumbling on the way and falling face flat.

 

“Four!”

 

Axis: “Z’s still trying to inflict punishment on Mafia? All Z might have to do is roll him into the ring to win the match!”

 

King: “Quiet you idiot! Shh!”

 

Again, Z sighs, bending down and struggling to pick up Mafia. With another huff, Z hauls the Gangbuster to his feet, grabbing him by his hair and trying to throw him face first to the post… but Mafia falls, tumbling down onto the blue matting, listless. Z sighs wearily, finally giving up and beginning to walk back into the ring to await a countout… but is stopped, as Mafia’s hand reaches out, tripping up Z!

 

“Five!”

 

Axis: “Holy cow! Mafia’s not dead!”

 

Edwin: “No, he was only *mostly* dead! Not dead dead. There is a difference, Axis!”

 

King: “Dead, mostly dead, who cares! Mafia was playing possum! Fantastic! Mafia, if you get off your ass and beat Z into a pulp, I promise I won’t hurt you too much!”

 

“Six!”

 

As Z flops down, he stared over at the supposed corpse of Mafia, which rolls onto it’s back! Mafia reaches up, using the ring skirt in an attempt to get to his feet! Z watches, completely stunned, as Mafia hauls himself up! Z stares on, watching Mafia clear out his cobwebs… before realizing his stupefaction! Z quickly scrambles up, trying to make up for his lost opportunity with a punch on Mafia… which the still groggy Gangland Executioner blocks! Mafia fires back with a punch of his own… only to have that blocked, too!

 

Axis: “Mafia and Z have each others arms bound! They’re staring each other down…”

 

Edwin: “Mm! Tension so thick you could cut it with a herring!”

 

“Seven!”

 

Z and Mafia continue to leer, neither breaking the steely glare… until Mafia delivers a fierce knee lift into Z’s gut!

 

Axis: “…Mafia obviously not a fan of Jon Woo movies.”

 

King: “And Mafia’s taking the scenic route!”

 

As Z doubles over, Mafia nabs his scruffy ponytail, tossing him right onto the announcer’s table! Quickly, Mafia jerks Z by the hair, slamming his head into the table repeatedly! As Z slouches down near the announcer’s table, Mafia reaches over the guardrail, and with no small effort, steals the “Yankees Su><0rs” sign from the tall Red Sox fan seen earlier in the broadcast! Holding the corrugated cardboard sign high, Mafia brings it down around Z’s ears!

 

“Eight!”

 

Edwin: “Plundah! Mafia be clubberin’ wit some of that plundah, Axeees!”

 

Axis: “…Edwin, you’re channeling again.”

 

With the sign firmly locked around Z’s neck like one of those Shakespearean Olde English Frilly Scarf Things, Mafia grabs Z by his ‘camouflage’(HA! jacket, tossing him back into the ring, fearful of a countout. Mafia follows suit, diving under the bottom rope. Mafia drags Z to the centre of the ring, pausing a moment to sneer at the fans, before dropping an elbow square on the chest of Z! Mafia yawns melodramatically as Hall counts…

 

One!

 

TWO!!

 

T—NO!

 

Axis: “Mafia should’ve gone for the lateral press! Again, his ego getting the better of him!”

 

King: “Hey, it isn’t BRAGGING if you can back it up.”

 

Edwin: “Remind me again, how many titles has Mafia won in the JL?”

 

King: “Why, he’s--! I mean, he’s had--! Uh… he’s got guts and determination! That has to count for something, right?”

 

Mafia grumbles as he pulls Z up by the hair, almost casually tossing him to the ropes. Mafia looks for a lariat on the rebound, but only gets air as Z ducks under! Mafia spins quickly to stare down the ricocheting Z, not letting him get the better of him this time as he jumps up, locking his thighs around Z’s head and bringing him down in a Frankensteiner! Mafia quickly reaches back, pulling up both of Z’s legs for the pin!

 

ONE!

 

TWO!!

 

THRE—WAIT!!!

 

Using all the strength he can muster, Z pushes Mafia’s legs down, rolling him back to reverse the pin to one of his own! Hall counts as the crowd tries to get back into it!

 

ONE!

 

TWO!!

 

THR—NO!

 

This time, Mafia rolls back, breaking the pin! Wasting no time, he lurches forward, grabbing Z’s legs and tying them up in a Jackknife Hold!

 

Axis: “Mafia finally resorting the hold that could have won him the match in the very first minute!”

 

Edwin: “As if it’s going to do him any good NOW.”

 

ONE!

 

…

 

TWO!!

 

 

King: “Oh Yeah!?”

 

…

 

 

…

 

THREE—NO! Z KICKS OUT! THE CROWD GOES WILD, BROTHER!

 

Edwin: “Yeah! Who’s L337, baby! King equals luser cubed!”

 

King: “Oh, I won’t be the only thing ‘cubed’ for long…”

 

As King and Edwin’s scuffle is stopped short of a 6’8” 300lb Australian in the way, Mafia curses Z’s bloodline, frustrated that the crowd has been brought back into the match. As Mafia again jerks Z to his feet with his hair, he throws him to the ropes… having Z reverse! Z pulls Mafia’s arm back, across his own chest, before wrapping his free arm around Mafia’s shoulders! Z ties his toe up with Mafia’s ankle, ripping it out from under him with a Russian Leg Sweep! Z is hardly slow to get up, driven by the ‘Let’s go Z!’ chants! As Mafia staggers to his feet, Z jumps behind him, having to duck left and right from elbows from the woozy Mafia. Z moves quick, grape-vineing his right leg with Mafia’s and hooking the left with his own left arm! Z quickly falls back to the canvas, pushing back and off the mat with his free hand, letting Mafia curl into a ball. Z leans back in almost a full prawn hold, cradling Mafia’s right leg with is own, and his left with his arm! Z brings his free arm up to assist with Mafia’s left leg, as Hall falls to the mat!

 

Axis: “Z showing some *really* rare technical skills with his innovative roll-up, ‘The Jack In The Box’!”

 

Edwin: “But is it going to be enough, Axey-buddy?”

 

ONE!

 

Axis(muttered): “I wish you wouldn’t call me that…”

 

TWO!!

 

King: “NO! Not *again!*”

 

Axis: “For a chance at the World Title!”

 

…

 

 

…

 

 

…

 

 

THREE—NO!!! Z’s grip fails on Mafia’s left leg, a millisecond before Hall’s hand falls to the mat, allowing Mafia the *moment* he needs to power out! The crowd ‘ooh’s’ in stunned shock!

 

Axis: “Well, somehow, someway, Mafia manages to kick out!”

 

King: “That’s how bad he wants it, Axis! This is how close Mafia knows he is to the World Title! GANGLAND EXECUTION, Boyo!”

 

Z rolls to a sitting position, stunned that Mafia would kick out. Mafia, more than a little wasted, claws his way to the ring ropes, pulling himself to his feet. Z quickly adorns a determined look, marching resolutely to Mafia, and giving several choice stomps to his back! Mafia continues to rise, undeterred, as his little cult following starts a ‘MAF-FI-AH!’ chant, though almost completely drowned out by the ‘LET’S GO Z! LET’S GO Z!” Thunder. Mafia rises to his feet, as Z turns ghostly white, trying to stop him with as many punches as he can!

 

Axis: “Z throwing everything but the kitchen sink at Mafia to try and stop him!”

 

King: “It’s futile, Axis! Mafia is a man possessed, and no amount of sissy, ‘bumblebee’ pallet swap punches is going to change that!”

 

King’s words ring true, as Z tries to throw Mafia to the corner… only to have the move reversed! Z tumbles to the turnbuckle, drooping his head a little as he crashes into the padding with a vengeance! Painfully, Z raises his head… to see the Gangland Express charging at him, full steam ahead! Mafia crashes into the buckle, giving Z a nasty clothesline as he impacts! Mafia pounds away at Z, throwing out several hard elbow strikes to the head!

 

King: “It’s a hard lesson to learn, about destiny. Like the one that Z’s learning now about how Mafia is ‘destined’ to be the next SJL World Champeen!”

 

Edwin: “Destiny, Shcmestiny! Look at that!”

 

At Edwin’s provoke, King turns his attention back to the ring… to see Z grab Mafia by the shoulders, and throw him to the buckle! House of fire, Z hops on the second rope, firing off a fury of piston like punches to the head of Mafia!

 

Axis: “What to you see in Z’s destiny, King? He could very well be the next SJL Champ! How about  his guts! He’s got just as much determination as Mafia!”

 

Z finishes his punches on Mafia, casually throwing him to the mat with a ‘thump’. Z guides himself along the ropes, holding his arm up high to a chorus of cheers… before having his eyes roll into the back of his head, flopping to the mat with a thump.

 

Edwin: “…or not. You know, whatever.”

 

Mafia pulls himself from the bottom of the turnbuckle, rubbing his head and shaking the cobwebs out. Z still lies on the Canvas, relatively unmoving… but Mafia decides to wait. Leaning back against the turnbuckle and eyeing Z.

 

Axis: “Has Mafia had some sort of epiphany? He’s decided to stray from his usual tactics and NOT hit when his opponent is down!”

 

King: “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Since WHEN! Damn it, Mafia, you better have a damn good explanation for this! I mean, I know it’s Z, but still! It goes against page 109 of the heel guidebook!”

 

Axis: “Heel… guidebook?”

 

King: “Knowledge restricted to World Champions only, of course. BUT, now at the low, low price of 24.95, YOU too can know all the important rules of being a heel! Authored by Brian Applewhite and co-author, B.M. Applewhite! Available wherever books are sold!”

 

As King smiles for the cameras and plugs his book, Mafia has continued to watch Z rise to his feet. Finally, seeing the 26th Letter of the Alphabet come fully to stand, Mafia sprints out of his corner… diving down and chop-blocking Z’s knee! Z drops like a load of bricks, as Mafia grabs his leg, firing off several heavy kicks to the pit of Z’s knee!

 

King: “Of COURSE! How could I have been such a fool?”

 

Edwin: “By waking up in the morning?”

 

King(Ignoring Edwin): “Mafia was waiting to go after Z’s knee! How could I have forgotten this! Mafia’s genius!”

 

Z yells out in pain as his still healing Knee is assaulted by more kicks from Mafia! The crowd crows with venom, but Mafia can’t seem to hear them, intent on his destruction of Z’s knee! Taking hold of his ankle by both hands, Mafia wishbones the leg violently, before taking one step back… and diving forward, snapping the leg! Z howls in pain, clutching the leg and rolling on the canvas. Calmly, Mafia walks back to Z’s legs, picking up the injured one and delivers a few more kicks to it! Satisfied, Mafia sets the leg under his arm, trying to roll him over for a half Boston Crab!

 

Axis: “And Mafia’s now trying for a Single Leg Boston Crab!”

 

King: “You know if he gets this, it’s all over!”

 

Z fights Mafia as best he can, trying to delay the inevitable. Mafia gives one last kick to the knee of Z, letting him scream in agony, and giving Mafia the slack to roll him over! Hall immediately falls to the mat to check for the submission!

 

King: “Z’s gotta give up! Right now!”

 

Z bangs his head against the mat in pain as Mafia settles into the hold, synching up as hard as he can! Z lets lose another howl, as Anthony Michael Hall asks if he concedes, to a pained shake of Z’s head! As best he can, Z claws his way to the ropes!

 

Axis: “I think Mafia was to eager to inflict pain onto Z, and made a cardinal error! He’s pretty close to the ropes, Z might be able to escape!”

 

King: “I won’t forgive you if you flub this one, Mafia! PULL HARDER!”

 

Mafia indeed listens to King, readjusting his grip for maximum torque! Z again howls in pain, and again shakes his head when asked if he submits! Blocking out the pain as best he can, Z crawls to the ropes!

 

…closer…

 

…closer…

 

…Mafia synches up tighter, if possible, getting another howl from Z! But he continues…

 

…closer…

 

…seeing the match slipping away, and Z millimeters from the ropes, Mafia jerks Z’s leg, trying to pull him back! …BUT HE’S TO LATE! Z GETS THE ROPES!

 

Axis: “HE got them! He got the ropes!

 

King: “In… Inconceivable!”

 

Edwin: “Ah, ah, ah! Remember what you said!”

 

King: “I don’t care!”

 

Cursing his more bad luck, Mafia quickly pulls Z up, as he tries to pull himself up with the ropes. Mafia yanks him to the center of the ring with a crash, getting another few kicks to Z’s bum knee, but not getting enough time to slap on another submission, as Z scrambles to the ropes, trying to get to his foot. Mafia jerks him again, but Z remains standing, hopping on one foot. As Mafia yells obscenities, Z continues to hop on one foot, returning an almost empty look. Finally, with a seething scream of rage, Mafia lets loose with one hug lariat aimed at Z’s head… which Z ducks! Mafia spins himself around, as Z gets him by the thighs, toppling to the ground with a schoolboy! Hall counts!

 

One!

 

Trying anything to seal it, Z leans further back, taking a handful of Mafia’s trunks!

 

TWO!!

 

King: “What?! He’s got the trunks! HE’S GOT THE TRUNKS!!”

 

…

 

 

…

 

 

…              

 

 

…THREE!!!

 

**DING!DING!DING!**

 

Funyon: “The winner of this match and advancing in the world title matches… Z!!”

 

Hall only has a few seconds to raise Z’s arm to the sky and hand him his belt, as Z rolls out of the ring, hobbling up the ramp as fast as he can!

 

King: “The TIGHTS, Axis! Z STOLE THIS ONE THE SAME WAY DANNY WAS BESTED AT ABSOLUTION!”

 

Edwin: “You win some…”

 

Mafia jumps up from the mat, the sounds of Faith No More’s ‘Epic’ stirring him! He quicklyu explains to the ref that he was robbed, tugging at his tights to make a case! Hall defends that he didn’t see anything! Mafia swears and curses, pacing about the ring… before kicking Hall in the gun, and leveling him with the Mob Hit!

 

King: “Don’t think I won’t look into this MacPhisto! I’ll have you and your crooked officiated FOUND OUT!”

 

Edwin: “Un-huh…”

 

Axis: “Right… well, don’t go away, Flesher and Flexxx duke it out for another shot at the World title, as do Ced and Ash in an XF9 versus XF9 main event! Don’t go away!”

 

The camera shows one last shot of the ring, with Mafia angrily yelling threats at Z, and Z returning an pained, yet halfway smartassed grin from the top of the ramp, before we fade to commercial…

[Guest crusen86]

We fade back in on SJL Crimson after a commercial for Corona featuring Ced Ordonez ("Corona: Lightning heats you up, and Corona cools you down!"). The cameraman pans the All-State Arena in Rosemont, catching fans holding such signs as "Ced Force 9," "Zimply Z Best" and "Brody Fears Change," finally settling on the announce table. Edwin sits on one end with a cup of coffee, Axis with a pint of Foster's and Suicide King with a Big Gulp of Pepsi. Edwin grins stupidly as the crowd chants "AXIS! AXIS!" Finally, as they quiet down, Edwin begins to talk.

 

Axis: Well, we're back this fine Saturday evening with this week's edition of SJL Crimson! We're seeing some interesting fallout from the Absolution pay-per-view, which saw tremendous buyrates...

 

King: DESPITE some schmuck scheduling it on a Wednesday...

 

Axis: And crowned a new European Champion in Z! Tom Flesher, as you may imagine, was none too happy with that, and poor Ben Hardy took the brunt of that anger this past week in Cleveland's hotels.

 

Edwin: It also saw the return of Flunkmasta Flexxx and Mafia, in a brutal TLC match! We've already seen Mafia battle Z in a brutal match, and coming up after this match we'll see X Force 9 against X Force 9 as Ced Ordonez takes on his commanding officer, Ash Ketchum!

 

Axis: The vacant World Title will be determined among the winners of these three matches, so we're going to establish the second competitor right here as "The Superior One" Tom Flesher takes on Flunkmasta Flexxx!

 

King: I'm going to have to go with Flesher here. He's angry, he's worked up and he's ready to go. I've seen him in the workout room with guys about Flexxx's size, and he's really been working hard to refine the Spin Cycle. You also have to remember that he took it to Mike Van Siclen, who's actually an inch taller than Flex but about the same size, and he took MVS out twice.

 

Edwin: Flex is coming off a big comeback, though. You have to consider that Flexxx is very pumped up and really wants that shot at the World Title.

 

King: Feh. The SJL World Title's small potatoes. I had the SWF World Title, and I was a damn good champion, too.

 

Axis: ... sure. In any event, let's get the second match in our World Championship contest underway! Let's go to Funyon!

 

Funyon stands in the ring wearing a very dapper canary yellow suit and somehow still managing to look good.

 

Funyon: This match is scheduled for one fall.

 

The fans pop as Zach de la Rocha's creepy voice echoes in a low, ghostly volume throughout the arena. "Born as Ghosts" by Rage Against The Machine plays and a video of Flexxx's Golden Gun flashes on the SmarkTron sceen. Flexxx walks out onto the ramp and does the Diamond Cutter taunt.... then breaks his hands apart, signaling a huge yellow stream of pyro to fly into the ramp and explode three times! From within the yellow smoke created by the explosions, Flexxx twirls his kendo stick and calmly walks down the ramp. Flexxx then enters the ring and walks to the center, setting his kendo stick in the corner.

 

Funyon: The first competitor, hailing from Rochester, New York, and weighing in at 239 pounds... He had to be flown in from Cleveland in a plain brown wrapper.... FLUNKMASTA FLEXXX!!!!!!!

 

The fans pop loudly as Flexxx mounts all four turnbuckles, raising up his hands in the air with the trademark split-finger Victory sign. Each section cheers louder than the last, and Flexxx climbs off the fourth turnbuckle looking very fired up.

 

Funyon: And his opponent....

 

The arena goes dark, and the fans almost instantly begin to boo as the fanfare of "Tell All The People" blares out over the loudspeaker. With Jim Morrison's voice echoing through the arena, a large X of pyro crosses the the curtain, and finally, Tom Flesher walks onto the ramp. He walks to the ring waving equanimitously at the crowd, occasionally brushing away a piece of trash. When he gets to the ring, he sets his beer mug in the corner and assumes his position in the center of the ring.

 

Funyon: From Buffalo, New York, and weighing in at 213 pounds... he's better than you, but thanks for recognizing it....

 

The fans boo even louder.

 

Funyon: I give you, "the Superior One," Tom Flesher!

 

Flesher drops to one knee and flexes his biceps, with a burst of pyro exploding from each cornerpost. When the smoke clears, Sexton Hardcastle waves the two wrestlers to the center and signals for the bell.

 

 

DING DING DING!!!!!!

 

 

Flexxx attempts to lock up, but Flesher pre-empts it with a stiff palm strike to jaw. Surprised by Flesher's aggressive attack, Flexxx staggers backwards, only to be nailed with another flurry of palm thrusts until he backs into the ropes and Hardcastle forces Flesher to break.

 

Axis: Flesher, clearly with a chip on his shoulder, starts the match off with an aggressive flurry of palm strikes.

 

King: I KNEW he'd stay tight. Flesher losing the European Belt was the best thing that ever happened to him. The belt was just holding him back.

 

Axis: That's debatable, King.

 

King: Yeah, debatable like your ladykilling skills, buddy.

 

The two combatants come back to the middle, Flesher staring angrily up at Flexxx from five inches below. This time, Flesher locks up, but the Flunkmasta takes charge! He nails Flesher over and over again with sharp chopping strikes to the ribs. Flesher attempts to fight back, but before he knows it, HE'S been backed up against the ropes, and Sexton Hardcastle is intervening on his behalf! With both wrestlers having established their attacking ability, they return to the center once more.

 

Axis: Well, it looks like Plan A failed for both wrestlers.

 

King: What are you talking about? Look at Flexxx! He's scared!

 

Edwin: Are we watching the same match?

 

King: You tell me.

 

Edwin: Well, Ling Ling just dove onto Hsing Hsing with a big splash, and now she's starting to go for the bear hug....

 

Axis looks over at Edwin's monitor and, seeing it hooked up to his laptop and open to http://www.hotpandaluv.org, tears the cables out of the feed.

 

Edwin: Awwww, what was that for?

 

Axis: Watch on my monitor.

 

Edwin: But Chang was just about to...

 

Axis: JUST WATCH THE MATCH.

 

In the ring, Flesher and Flexxx are locked up, each man wrestling a bit more conservatively after the opening flurry. Flesher spins around and attempts a single-leg takedown, but Flexxx merely steps back and wags his finger at Flesher, saying, "Don't think you'll get me that easily." Flesher responds by staying on his knees and flipping Flexxx the bird. The crowd pops a little for Flesher's insolence, but Flexxx quiets them by nailing Flesher with a stiff kick to the chest! Flesher clutches his chest in pain as Flexxx pulls him to his feet, then throws his arm over his shoulder to set up a uranage. Flesher readjusts the position and locks up a front facelock, but Flexxx is too tall to lift off the mat to look for the brainbuster. Flexxx lifts Flesher up and, with minimal effort, drops him groin-first across his bent knee in a Manhattan drop. Flesher bounces back up and staggers toward the ropes.

 

Axis: Single-leg countered into uranage countered into brainbuster countered into Manhattan drop! What a sequence by these two athletes!

 

King: DID YOU SEE THAT LOW BLOW? Flexxx should be thrown right out of the building! No legitimate purpose whatsoever! None!

 

Edwin: Oh, hush. How would you know what it feels like to be hit in the groin, you old eunuch?

 

King: What was that?!

 

Edwin: I said that I'm making a bit of coin and hotpandaluv.org runs cold Unix. Now watch the match.

 

Flexxx moves toward Flesher and goes for an Irish whip. Flesher attempts to reverse it, but Flexxx uses his leverage to force Flesher to the ropes. As Flesher bounces off, he sets up a running Yakuza kick, but Flexxx dodges it, then uses Flesher's momentum to lift him into a Rydeen bomb and slam him to the mat! Almost immediately, he grabs Flesher's legs and attempts to lock up a sharpshooter. Flesher fights the turn, however, and Flexxx stops working for it, opting to let Flesher back to his feet.

 

Axis: Flexxx is clearly choosing not to expend the energy for a useless submission this early in the match. Flesher's still much too fresh to attempt such an energy-intensive move. Flexxx is smart to wait for Flesher to lose some of his stamina before he fights for the Sharpshooter.

 

King: OOOOOH, clearly. He's SO smart. Let me tell YOU something, Mr. "I Never Won A World Title." What you don't understand is that you have to go for the win whenever it rpesents itself. Flexxx may have just cost himself the match!

 

Edwin: Oh, quit being such a drama queen. Axis knows more about psychology than most grad students.

 

King: Feh. Booksmarts are useless in the ring, college boy. All except the kind that you find in my handy Guidebook, which Flesher's been using quite a bit lately.

 

Back in the ring, the Superior One and the Ragin' Porno Star are circling each other. Flexxx gets off to Flesher's side and cuts off the angle, shooting in for a German suplex. Flesher manages to catch it with a standing switch, however, and swings around to attempt his own German. He lifts Flexxx into the air and arches back, but the 6'3" grappler flips over Flesher's back and lands on his feet. Before Flesher knows what's happening, Flexxx snakes in a half nelson and throws Flesher backwards, spiking him on his head with the Flexxxplex! Flesher lands squarely on the back of his head and completes a full backward roll, finally coming to rest on his stomach. Flexxx pops up to his feet and gyrates lewdly as the crowd pops for him.

 

Axis: I think Flesher's having trouble with Flexxx just because their styles are so incompatible. Flesher's a suplex machine, but when he wrestles Greco, he's not trying to throw long, lanky guys like Flexxx.

 

Edwin: Flexxx is presenting much the same challenge that Mike Van Siclen did. Flesher handled MVS fairly well on two different occasions, but you have to wonder if the same techniques are going to work on Flexxx.

 

King; Of course they are, dumbass. A lanky guy's a lanky guy. That's like asking if you need to use a different stripper for oil paint and watercolours.

 

King sighs disgustedly at Edwin's perceived idiocy as Flexxx finally rolls Flesher onto his back and covers him for

 

ONE

 

 

but Flesher kicks out, Flexxx having wasted too much time playing to the crowd. Still slightly stunned but in better shape than a few moments before, Flesher gets back to his feet, only to be whipped to the corner by Flexxx. Flexxx charges in, but Flesher swings himself up using the ropes, raises his left foot and boots Flexxx hard in the face. With Flexxx stunned, Flesher dives for his left leg and secures a single-leg takedown. With the leg snagged, Flesher follows through and starts to twist the ankle. Flexxx, initially only stunned by the impact with the mat, yelps out loud as Flesher torques the ankle to degrees not intended by God. Flesher shouts, "ASK HIM!!!" Flexxx responds with a nule kick to Flesher's stomach, forcing him to release, but as Flexxx gets back to his feet it's clear that the ankle's been damaged.

 

King: See that? Flesher's got his wits about him. Impact, then pain. That's the formula that won me the SWF World Championship. Hey, Edwin, have you ever won an SWF World Championship?

 

Edwin: No, but I've still got time to win two or three.

 

King: Not if you lose that retirement match tomorrow night, chum....p.

 

The obligatory plug for SWF Defiance thus inserted into the match, Suicide King settles down, and edwin takes a lingering sip of his coffee. In the ring, Flesher stalks over to Flexxx and nails him with a dropkick to the left knee. Flexxx collapses to the mat and Flesher grabs his leg, then drops an elbow into the side of the knee. Flexxx recoils in pain as Flesher gets back to his feet, then drops another elbow into the same spot, wrenching the knee to the side. Finally, Flexxx reaches out and serendipitously manages to grab the bottom rope, forcing Sexton Hardcastle to give Flesher a four-count. Flesher drops one more elbow in as Hardcastle counts "THREE!," then breaks and lets Flexxx get back to his feet. However, even as Flexxx gets to his feet, Tom charges in and nails him with one more dropkick to the knee, leaving Flexxx in a heap on the mat and giving him the opportunity to roll out of the ring. Flesher stays in the ring and a smile spreads across his face. He mounts the turnbuckle and waves to the fans. They boo intensely, and Flesher looks absolutely thrilled.

 

King: Will you listen to that... they love him!

 

Axis: You really are naive, you know that?

 

Hearing more and more noise as he makes bigger and more ridiculous gestures, Flesher finally mounts the top turnbuckle and flexes his biceps, even rolling the short sleeves of his t-shirt up to show off more of his arms. As he poses, lost in his own dreamworld, he doesn't notice Flexxx reentering the ring. Flesher continues to pose as Flexxx sneaks up behind him and, suddenly, starts shaking the ropes violently. Flesher loses his balance and flails his arms wildly,and just as he begins to fall backwards, Flexxx throws a missile dropkick. In mid-air, it connects with Flesher's ribs, and when Flesher collides with the mat, he curls up instinctively to protect his ribcage. Flexxx grabs him by the hair and yanks him to his feet. Wrapping up a front facelock, Flexxx spins around in a 3/4 turn and nails a neckbreaker. Flesher splatters on the mat.

 

Edwin: Old-school Plunkdown by the Flunkmasta!

 

King: *grumble* I wonder if any of the marks caught that one.

 

Flexxx rolls over and covers Flesher as Hardcastle counts

 

ONE

 

 

TWO

 

 

 

KICKOUT by Tom Flesher! Flesher rolls to his stomach and then out of the ring. Flexxx follows afterward as Hardcastle begins his count.

 

ONE!

 

Flexxx starts to kick Flesher in the ribs. Flesher backs away, managing to deflect most of the impact.

 

TWO!

 

Tom begins to manever toward the announce table, Flexxx following closely in a lockup.

 

THREE!

 

Edwin moves his coffee away from the edge of the table.

 

FOUR!

 

Flesher throws Flexxx into the table and grabs for Edwin's coffee, but Edwin won't give it up. With Flesher distracted, Flexxx nails him with a low blow.

 

FIVE!

 

Flexxx rolls Flesher back into the ring, and follows quickly thereafter.

 

Edwin: Oh no. He's not stealing my good cup of coffee again.

 

King: Geez, Edwin, haven't you ever heard of taking one for the team?

 

Edwin: Sounds like your life story there, Kingy Zingy.

 

Flexxx yanks Flesher to his feet and immediately sits down, nailing Flesher with a snap X-factor.  Flesher's face crashes into the canvas, and Flexxx rolls him over for

 

ONE

 

 

TWO

 

 

 

TH - NO! Flesher kicks out! The crowd roars with boos, upset that Flexxx couldn't put Flesher away. Flexxx thus motivated, he yanks Flesher to his feet and starts nailing him with sharp chops to the ribs. He backs Flesher into the corner, then backs out to the opposite corner and the crowd starts to pop almost immediately.

 

Edwin: The Eroticasault!!

 

Axis: Flesher may be in trouble here. Flexxx has been beating him down regularly throughout the match... after the Eroticasault, he can probably put Flesher away with the Money Shot.

 

King: OOOOH, la de da, Mr. Fancy Psychology Guy. How do you know he's not just going to pin him right after? Or, for that matter, how do you know he's even going to hit it?

 

Flexxx charges in and somersaults, but Flesher dodges and Flexxx only connects with the turnbuckle! He collapses to the mat in a heap.

 

King: I don't like to say I told you so....

 

Axis: Sure you do.

 

King: True. HA! You guys are tools, and I'm a former SWF World Champion!

 

Flesher gets to his feet and immediately grabs Flexxx's left leg, staying near the corner. He spins around to drop an elbow into Flexxx's knee, but Flexxx catches him with bodyscissors and locks up a katahajime!

 

Axis: CRY OF THE DEPRAVED!!! Flesher's doing his best to elbow out of it, but Flexxx has it locked up tight!

 

King: Why doesn't he...

 

Flesher interrupts Suicide King mid-sentence by reaching out with his free hand and grabbing the bottom rope. Hardcastle counts

 

ONE!

 

TWO!!

 

THREE!!!

 

FOUR!!!!

 

and finally Flexxx releases the hold. Flesher rolls to the center of the ring, and Flexxx chases after him. Flesher gets back to his feet and locks up with Flexxx, only to be pulled down into a front facelock. Flexxx goes for the spiked DDT, but Flesher counters it by dropping to his knees and locking up Flexxx's leg in a single-leg takedown. He rolls Flexxx over onto his stomach and drops down, pinning down a stepover toehold and locking up a crossface in his Lotus Blossom submission!

 

King: God, I love Flesher. He's always one step ahead of all the rabble and the marks.

 

Edwin: And you're always a step behind yours truly, you monarch of moronics.

 

King: What?

 

Edwin: I said watch the match. ZING!

 

Flesher tightens the Lotus Blossom more with each passing moment, but Flexxx continues to try to counter it by rocking from side to side by pushing off on his free arm.

 

Axis: It looks like Flesher's having a little trouble due to Flexxx's size... maybe those limbs are just too long to work with.

 

Flexxx finally manages to roll Flesher completely onto his side, loosening the toehold. Flesher slides down the side and attempts to keep the crossface, but Flexxx rolls him over before he can cinch the hold and puts him to his back for

 

ONE

 

 

TWO

 

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

King: Oh, come on. There's no way you're going to catch Flesher like that. He's got great mat awareness and an 18-inch neck.

 

Edwin: Z did it last week!

 

King: Uh... well... that was a four-way! It doesn't count! Everyone was out to get him!

 

Flesher pops back up to his feet, as does Flexxx, and the two lock up. Almost immediately, Flesher hits a low-amplitude dropkick to the knee that more surprises Flexxx than injures him. Nonetheless, Flexxx falls to the mat and Flesher dives on top of him with a jumping shotei. With Flexxx stunned, he covers him and Sexton Hardcastle counts

 

ONE

 

 

TWO

 

 

 

KICKOUT! Flexxx kicks out forcefully and starts to get to his feet, but Flesher keeps him down on the mat with a vicious double-stomp to the sternum!

 

Axis: That, as you may recall, is the move that absolutely shattered Ben Hardy's sternum. We haven't seen much of him lately.

 

King laughs softly to himself.

 

Axis: And he's none to happy with you, King.

 

King: Why? All I'm doing is making sure he does his job, Axis!

 

Edwin: Oh, no matter. Hardy's incredibly resilient. Why, I bet his sternum will be healed completely by the end of the show, and he'll be back getting clobbered by the SWF pay-per-view tomorrow night.

 

Axis looks at Edwin as if Edwin had just asked permission to stick his finger up Axis' nose.

 

Edwin: Oh, you just wait.

 

With Flexxx on the mat clutching his chest, Flesher drops onto him with a diving headbutt, and then covers for

 

ONE

 

 

TWO

 

 

 

TH- KICKOUT!!!!! Flexxx kicks out with a bit less force this time, but manages to roll over to his stomach rather than give up the fall. Frustrated, Flesher gets up, only to drop an elbow between Flexxx's shoulder blades. Flesher comes out to Flexxx's head and pulls his arm through, then locks up a scissors lock around the head and arm, cinching in a triangle choke! Flexxx starts to stretch out, but can't quite reach the ropes. Seeing his position, he instead opts to force his weight forward, pressing Flesher's shoulders to the mat! Hardcastle has no choice but to count

 

ONE

 

 

TWO

 

 

 

but before he can get three, Flesher gets his shoulder up! He attempts to tighten the hold, and Flexxx attempts to back out of the hold... which only serves to tighten it further!

 

Axis: This hold hasn't seen much play here in the SJL or in the SWF, so I'm sure many of the wrestlers aren't aware of how the mechanics of the hold work.

 

Edwin: Let me get my whiteboard.

 

Axis: THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY!!!! Er... I mean... I think I can handle explaining it, Edwin. The idea is to use the ball joint of the shoulder to cut off the blood supply to the brain, while using general pressure to restrict the airflow to the lungs. By trying to back out of the hold, Flexxx is actually making the hold tighter and turning it more into a chokehold. The best way to counter the triangle is just what he did earlier- force your weight foreward and lean to the side with the free shoulder. It takes a lot of the pressure off.

 

Flexxx, of course, isn't listening to the commentary and continues to try to back out. Looking more and more faint with each passing moment, he stretches further and further backward, finally managing to hook his foot over the bottom rope! Flesher keeps the hold even as Sexton Hardcastle counts to four, finally releasing it when Hardcastle threatens a disqualification. Flesher backs off and gets to his feet in the middle of the ring as Flexxx attempts to breathe enough to make up for the lack of oxygen flow to his brain.

 

King: You tall people... HA! It takes so much longer for your blood to get to your brain... no wonder you're all mongoloids.

 

Edwin: You know, as I recall, I DID take you out in that cage match.

 

King: Yeah, when I tossed you over the top of the cage... and your own stablemate's going to retire you from the SWF tomorrow night. OOOOOOH, Midnight Carnival breakup!!!!!!

 

Axis: Guys, calm down and watch the match.

 

King: Bite me, Oz-boy.

 

Flesher sees Flexxx starting to get to his feet and bounces off the ropes, charging at him to execute a running Yakuza kick! Flexxx sees it coming, though, and in desperation catches Flesher, grabs him and lifts him into the air, and then slams him onto the mat with a falling powerbomb! Flexxx is too stunned, though, to cover, and falls to the side, opting instead to get his wits back about him.

 

Axis: Flexxx is still showing the effects of that extended triangle choke. Obviously, he needs to get a lot more oxygen back into his brain...

 

King: That's BS and you know it. You know as well as I do that Flexxx doesn't have a brain.

 

Edwin: Hey kettle, you're black.

 

King: You wanna take this outside, Carnie-boy? Because I'm sure you've read Section 11.546 of my contract, including the Physical Abuse Rider.

 

Edwin: All I'm saying is that you might have a brain if you got more head.

 

King steams quietly on the side of the corner as Flesher starts to pull himself to his feet and walks over to Flexxx. He lifts Flexxx to his feet and attempts to Irish-whip him into the corner, but Flexxx uses the momentum to spin around and lock up a crossed-arm inverted double underhook! He arches back and throws Flesher onto his neck and shoulders with an X-hold Tiger suplex! The fans "OOOH!" in unison as Flexxx rolls through and lifts Flesher up, suplexing him again! Flexxx rolls through again and goes for a third rolling suplex, but Flesher manages to stop the throwing motion by extending his legs and scissoring them around Flexxx's left thigh. Not realizing this, Flexxx attempts to arch through with the last suplex and instead gets put to his back.

 

Axis: Nice Greco-Roman style counter there...

 

Edwin: Um, Axis, that's illegal in Greco.

 

Axis: Well, I realize that, but...

 

King: It doesn't matter if it's illegal in Greco! It's legal here!

 

Edwin: Tough talk from someone who....

 

King: Oh, Edwin, why do you even try? Don't you realize a king always beats a jackass?

 

Flesher uses the leg hook and sits backwards, cradling Flexxx into a makeshift pin. Hardcastle counts

 

ONE

 

 

TWO

 

 

 

NO! Flexxx boots Flesher to the ropes with his free foot! As Flesher bounces off the ropes, Flexxx gets to his feet and nails him with a quick and dirty Sweet Chin Music superkick! Flesher once again stumbles backwards, and Flexxx whips him back to the ropes. When Flesher bounces off the ropes, Flexxx catches him and throws him over his head with a high-amplitude belly-to-belly suplex! With Flesher prone on the mat, the wind knocked out of him, Flexxx sprints over to the ropes, bounces off the second rope and comes down hard on Flesher with an Asai moonsault! Flexxx covers him for

 

ONE

 

 

TWO

 

 

 

THR- NO!!!!! SHOULDER UP BY FLESHER!!! He rolls to his stomach and Flexxx yanks him to his feet. He spins Flesher around and throws in a half nelson, then arches backwards for a Flexxxplex! Flesher foils it, though, by sinking his weight and controlling the arm, using it to spin out next to Flexxx and get under his center of gravity for a Russian leg sweep! Once they hit the mat, Flesher nails Flexxx in the temple with a stiff palm strike to keep him down, then gets to his feet. He drops an elbow squarely into Flexxx's chest and covers him. Hardcastle counts

 

ONE

 

 

TWO

 

 

 

THRE- NO!!!!!!!!!! Flexxx kicks out, but just barely!

 

Axis: Flexxx is fairly resilient, but both men have taken a severe beating throughout this match.

 

Edwin: Flexxx does have a great deal of experience over Flesher, so he might be saving something for the endgame.

 

King: All things being equal, Flesher's just barely this much better.

 

The camera pans out to show Suicide King with his arms spread as wide as they can possibly go.

 

Edwin: Your mom... ah, never mind, it's just too easy.

 

Flesher grabs Flexxx and lifts him to his feet, only to be met with a series of stiff chops to the ribs. Flesher yelps, his sore ribs having been worked throughout the match already, and starts to back into the corner. Wary of what Flesher does to his opponents in the corner, Flexxx doesn't push him any further back. Instead, Flexxx opts to spin out and nail Flesher with the Twisterf*ck out of nowhere!!!!!! Flesher falls to the mat and Flexxx covers him as Sexton Hardcastle counts

 

ONE

 

 

TWO

 

 

 

THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

WAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT! FLESHER'S FOOT IS ON THE ROPES!

 

Flexxx gets to his feet and looks mad as hell. Flesher, meanwhile, rolls to the outside, landing right in front of the announce table.

 

Edwin: Hey, that's....

 

King: SHUT UP, YOU DAMN LIMEY!

 

Through the commotion at the announce table, we see Suicide King slide something to Flesher under the table. Flesher comes up to his feet with his mouth full and pulls down on the ropes to get Flexxx's attention. When the Lone Maverick spins around to see Flesher standing on the apron, he's met with a mouthful of Edwin's coffee sprayed into his one open eye!

 

Edwin: *sigh* That coffee mist is going to be the death of me.

 

King: Ah, shut up.

 

Flexx instinctively grabs his face and tries to wipe it out of his eye. He spins around to show Hardcastle the damage, but most of the coffee has already been wiped away, and in any case Flesher nails Flexxx with a stiff palm to the back of the head before Hardcastle can get a good look at him. As Flexxx staggers foreward, Flesher grabs the back strap of his eye patch and holds him near the ropes, then nails him with one more hard palm strike and guides him into the corner. From the outside, Flesher climbs the cornerpost and takes a moment to pose for the crowd, then grabs Flexxx's head in a front facelock.

 

Axis: Oh no....

 

Edwin: Hm... that reminds me, do you guys have any quarters? I need to do laundry tonight.

 

Flesher jumps off the top rope holding Flexxx's head, and in mid-air, shifts his weight. He swings to the center of the ring, finally using all the built-up momentum to slam Flexxx's head into the mat.

 

King: SPIN CYCLE!!!!!!! It's over!!!!!!

 

Flesher takes a moment to recover from the impact, and then rolls over on top of Flexxx. Sexton Hardcastle counts

 

ONE

 

 

TWO

 

 

 

THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

DING DING DING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

"Tell All The People" begins to blare over the loudspeaker as Flesher gets to his feet.

 

Funyon: Your winner by pinfall, "The Superior One" TOM FLESHER!

 

Flesher flexes his biceps in the ring as the fans boo loudly. He throws his hands into the air and lets out a loud "WHOOOOOOOOOO!" The fans respond by throwing paper beer cups at him. He waves appreciatively before sliding out of the ring.

 

Axis: We'll, um, need to get this mess cleaned up before we continue.

 

Edwin: And when we come back, XF9 versus XF9! Ced Ordonez takes on Ash Ketchum!

 

King: X Force 9? I always hated those fu-

 

Fade.

[Guest crusen86]

Axis: Erm, we're back. And apparently, the Ash/Ced match won't be happening tonight. Or ever.

 

Edwin: Damn these no shows! Surely, Ash could have fought despite not having transport and throwing up...

 

King: How about I fight you both in a handicap match right now to replace it?

 

Axis: OK!

 

Edwin: OK!

 

King: Erm, actually... Nah, I don't think I'll be doing that.

 

Edwin: Bah...

 

Axis: Anyway, despite the fact that the show should finish, it's time time for a break.

 

Cut.

[Guest crusen86]

After the cameras stopped rolling…or so they thought...

 

Funyon thanks the Rosemont crowd for attending and begins to shill the various merchandising available at the SJL shop just outside each exit. Axis, Edwin McPhisto and Suicide King already have called it a night, leaving the announcing table for the backstage area. Funyon thanks the fans again before also walking up the ramp himself and disappearing behind the black curtain.

 

The folks in the All State Arena, their voracious appetites for mayhem filled here tonight, begin to gather their belongings and file toward the exits. Suddenly, the sound of a record scratching comes over the P.A. system and The X-ecutioner’s “It’s Going Down” stops them in their tracks. It’s time for a special treat.

 

XF9’s Ash Ketchum, Z, and Ced Ordonez appear on top of the ramp side by side and walk toward the ring, each carrying rather large suitcases with them. They slide in together and give an obligatory pose for those still with the benefit of flash photography. They drop off the suitcases in a corner before Ash picks up the microphone left by Funyon to address the curious crowd.

 

Ash: Hey everybody. I’d like to say on behalf of XF9, thank you for coming here tonight and seeing us all in action. This Rosemont, Illinois crowd has been great. ::Waits for the cheap pop:: As you all know, the XF9er you don’t see here with us tonight is moving on to the big show that is the SWF. Well, we wanted to see him head off into the sunset with style, so Erek, we know you’re in the back, so come on down!

 

Erek Taylor, in his casual attire, makes his way down the ramp to a great pop. He waves at the audience as he makes his way down the ramp. He walks up the steel steps and enters the ring, posing for the fans as well before gathering with his XF9 stable-mates in a group hug. Ash hands the mic over to Ced.

 

Ced: It’s been a hell of a run for you, Erek, and we’re here to send you on you’re way in the best way we know how. Just stay right there while I do my thing.

 

Erek stands in the center of the ring while his fellow XF9ers retreat to the corners.

 

Ced: Give a round of applause for this guy. In a little over seven months, he has built quite a resume here in the SJL. He was a two-time SJL stables champion with XF9...he held onto the SJL European Title for an astounding 74 days...and, of course, who can forget that he just held the SJL World Title for about four weeks? Ladies and Gentlemen, for the last time as a Junior Leaguer, EREEEEEK TAAAAYLOOOOR!

 

The crowd gives Erek a standing ovation as Ash, Z, and Ced open up their suitcases and reach inside. The each pull out a few rolls of red streamers and toss them high into the air, blanketing Erek with them. Z looks a little disappointed and asks Ced for the mic. Ced tosses it to him and he catches it.

 

Z: Ash…Ced…This was cool and everything, but this doesn’t feel like an XF9 sendoff, does it?

 

Ash and Ced look at Z and lightly shrug and nod their heads in concurrence.

 

Z: So let’s make it an XF9 sendoff!

 

Ash, Z, and Ced pull out the last items in their suitcases as Erek tries to brush the streamers off of him. He finally succeeds, only to find his three partners each armed with two Super Soakers apiece. He can only stand in place shocked as he is drenched in water and the crowd laughs in delight.

 

Z: Hit the music!

 

“It’s Going Down” plays once more as Ced tosses one of his Super Soakers to Erek and the four XF9ers engage in a two-minute water war. Finally, they run out of liquid ammunition and they each climb a turnbuckle, gleefully soaked, and pose for the crowd one last time to send them home happy.

[Guest crusen86]

Summary!

 

NO-SHOW AND THOTH SPANKS YOU NO-DISQUALIFICATION MATCH

Jacob Helmsley vs. Xero vs. Johnny Generic

WINNER: Johnny Generic (Xero's match. Jake no showed.)

 

HARDCORE MATCH

Cutthroat vs. Kojack

WINNER: Kojack

 

TRIPLE THREAT MATCH - FIRST FALL WINS

Frost vs. Tod deKindes vs. T-Bone

WINNER: Frost (Everyone wrote! OMGZ!)

 

TV TITLE MATCH

"TNT" Taylor Nicholas Thompson © vs. Vanguard

WINNER: TNT (Default)

 

ELIMINATION MATCH FOR THE EUROPEAN TITLE #1 CONTENDERSHIP

Poisyn vs. "Deathwish" Danny Williams vs. Insane Luchador

- Danny Williams (Default)

 

WORLD TITLE CONTENDERSHIP MATCH

Mafia vs. Z

WINNER: Z

 

WORLD TITLE CONTENDERSHIP MATCH

"The Superior One" Tom Flesher vs. "Flunkmasta" Flexxx

WINNER: Tom Flesher (Default)

 

MAIN EVENT

WORLD TITLE CONTENDERSHIP MATCH

Ash Ketchum vs. Ced Ordonez

WINNER: None (Double no show. With reasons, amazingly. At least, I think Ced did but I've forgotten.)

 

Meh. These no shows are really getting bad people. There's a few guys in particular who are REALLY, and I mean REALLY, digging themselves into a giant hole that they should never have been in. If you no show when I'm booking a card, don't expect anything resembling contendership or title matches. Yeah, I'm tough. That is all.