Favorite jerry lawler quote

[Guest Austin3164life]

One quote I found hilarious was at Cold Day In Hell during the Austin/Taker main event, Lawler was explaining the strategies of both men, and he goes to JR:

 

"Let me tell you somethin' about strategy JR, since about the only thing athletic about you is your feet"

 

The entire King-bashing-Hart-Family quotes are hilarious that whole year, especially....

 

"When Cain killed Abel, Helen Hart was present in the jury....."

[Guest Risk]

When Rikishi gave Bubba the Faceseat fetish(stinkface), Lawler said: "This ill make Bubba start stuttering again!"

[Guest papacita]

I get logged out everytime I try to reply to a thread! WASSUP WIT DAT?!?!?!

 

Anyway, this is from back in 95 when the WWF was all in Sesame Street mode, trying to minimize the violence and had no cursing:

 

"Todd Pettingill: Let's take you back to Vince McMahon and the King of Krass...Jerry Lawler!

 

Jerry: Wait a minute, Vince! 'King of Krass?!" Well Todd Pettingill, you can kiss my...

 

Vince: HEY WAIT JUST A MINUTE!!!!!

 

Jerry: I was gonna say feet!

 

Vince: Sure. "

 

That probably wouldn't be funny today, but back then it had me in tears.  Another one is:

 

"Jerry: Hey JR, why do puppies have wet noses?

 

JR: Why?

 

Jerry: CUZ I LICK EM!!!!!"

 

And damn near anytime he made fun of Vince McMahon in the old days...(on an unrelated topic, the funniest thing I've ever seen in WWF history is Vince McMahon trying to dance to Flash Funk's music, closely followed by him dancing at the Wrestlemania Rage Party in 99. That man is foolish)

[Guest]

This isn't exactly a quote, but anytime something bad happens to old ladies or midgets he laughs his ass off.  Like No Mercy 99 when Ivory beat the crap out of Moolah and the ran over and dropkicked Mae Young off the apron, he was doing his whole high-pitched, dying-of-laughter thing, and I can't help but get a kick out of that.

[Guest pinnacleofallthingsmanly]

I only like when he says something about JR's dumber comments that get thrown out there.

[Guest]

The beginning of WrestleMania X when McMahon and Lawler are welcoming everbody. Lawler flubs his lines twice and the look on McMahon's face as he stares off is priceless... raising an eyebrow and the look pretty much saying "Well, fuck..."

 

Not necessarily a quote, but I've always hated Lawler anyway

[Guest pinnacleofallthingsmanly]

Vince is damn funny when he wants to be. Like at Summerslam '89 when the stage started falling apart and he could be heard off camera saying, "nice move." That makes me laugh just as much as Okerlund saying, "Fuck it!" That whole scene was funny as hell. Thump! "Nice move." "Fuck it!"

[Guest]

Recently, when Brock Lesnar first came out to crush the Hardyz, Jerry said to Michael Cole, "Look at the size of that guy, Michael....he's got muscles in places where you don't even have places." That was some funny shit!!!

[Guest razazteca]

King making fun of ECW and Paul Heyman was always funny.  Calling ECW Arena the bingo hall while USWA on AmericaOne was in an empty room in a tv studio that had maybe 100 people in audience.

 

"puppies"

[Guest]

Lawler, at Wrestlemania 13, during either the Austin-Bret submission match or the Bulldog/Owen vs. Mankind/Vader match (I'm paraphrasing): "Helen Hart is wearing some antique jewelry. [Pause] She got it when it was new."

 

That's just one of the many priceless Stu-and-Helen jokes Lawler dished out. Too bad he's so awful now. The last funny thing I heard him say was at this year's Royal Rumble, during the Rock-Jericho match, as Rock was prepping JR and Lawler's announce table to Rock Bottom Jericho through it: "What are you doing?! The Spanish announce table is over there!"

 

Okay, that isn't so funny now, but I laughed at the time.

[Guest Risk]

This isn't a Lawler quote but...During the "Rocky sucks!" years, Lawler was trying to suck up to the Rock, to which the Rock replied: "Shut up, Jerry Lawler, before the Rock smacks the yellow off your teeth!"

[Guest Nevermortal]

My favorite Lawler moment was from Insomniac w/ Dave Attell as he watches intently as strippers make out in the shower.

[Guest]

My favorite Lawler moment is when he quit

 

My least favorite moment is when he came back

 

I'm not a fan

 

Obviously

[Guest]

No post

[Guest pinnacleofallthingsmanly]

Lawler was put in a precarious position when the Kat got fired. She showed her thanks by dumping him.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

I was gonna go with the ol' N/A, but someone mentioned a Lawler quote that actually was funny (amazingly enough) so I'll repeat it:

 

"What are you doing? The Spanish Announce table is over there?!" - Royal Rumble 2K2, Rock vs. Jericho

 

Of course it's not funny out of context, but with Lawler we're lucky for it to be funny IN context.  But even though I don't like him, The Kat "showing her thanks by dumping him" was pretty cruel.

[Guest JHawk]

Lawler was funny back in the day.  One PPV (can't remember which one althought I want to say Fully Loaded 99):  "I'm an animal lover JR.  I like puppies.  I like chicks.  I love beavers."

 

Another Helen Hart insult:  "She's the only person I know who has an autographed copy of the Bible."

 

And the classic one from the David Letterman appearance (that I still steal from time to time):  "I couldn't warm up to you if we were creamated together."

[Guest Some Guy]

Mae Young gave some one a Bronco Buster,

Lawler, "That's some Poontang Pie that'll leave a bad taste in your mouth."

 

I can't remember if this was Lawler or Nash, "Well I've seen her wrestle, but personaly I'd rather see her BOX."

[Guest caboose]

back in 1999 when the brood fell apart,

gangrel pushed edge into Gangrel's fire entrance pit.

 

Lawler asked-'How do you like your Edge? Regular or Extra Crispy?'

 

That was funny.

[Guest]

Recently, when Brock Lesnar first came out to crush the Hardyz, Jerry said to Michael Cole, "Look at the size of that guy, Michael....he's got muscles in places where you don't even have places." That was some funny shit!!!

He used to say that about the British Bulldog, too.

[Guest]

Jerry: Tonight on the King's Court, I will be talking to Bret "The Hitman Hart. You know, the guy with those Jurassic Park parents. You know Stu Hart is so old, I told him to act his age, so he dropped dead and Helen Hart, well, she was just born old. When she was a teenager, her acne had liver spots.

 

 

Vince McMahon: Jake "The Snake" Roberts is trying to tell people not to drink and drive...

 

Jerry: (Interrupts) C'mon McMahon. The only reason why Jake "The Snake" Roberts doesn't drink & drive anymore is because he is afraid he might hit a bump and spill his drink.

 

 

Jerry: Diesel is so stupid, he thinks Hamburger Helper comes with another person.

 

 

Jim Ross: Ahmed Johnson is home watching the semi-finals of the Intercontinental Title tournament.

 

Jerry: Ahmed Johnson is probably home eating a big ole bowl of kidney beans.

 

 

Mankind is sitting by the turnbuckle yanking out his hair.

 

Jerry: Look McMahon, there is some extra hair for your toupee.

 

 

Jerry: Hey Sunny, nice belts!

_

 

Jerry: Those two make a real lovely pair.

 

Vince McMahon: What are you talking about?

 

Jerry: I'm talking about the Slammy trophies.

 

 

Jerry: As Jake "The Snake" would say, Sid's three beers short of a six-pack.

 

 

Jerry: Barry Horowitz beating Goldust is like O.J. Simpson hosting a banquet for spouse abuse.

_

 

Jerry: Hey McMahon, your hair is looking better every day. It even had imitation dandruff!

 

 

Jerry: Yokozuna is nothing but an ingrate. If it wasn't for Jim Cornette, Yokozuna would still be on a beach somewhere selling shade.

 

 

Vince McMahon: Look at the Hucksters pythons.

 

Jerry: Pythons!? Those look more like earthworms.

 

 

Jerry: I have a note right here from President Jack Tunney to Dink. I can tell it's from Jack Tunney because it's written in crayon.

 

 

Vince McMahon: What are you doing?

 

Jerry: I just introduced "Sleazy".

 

Macho Man: You're sleazy.

 

Jerry: Yeah, nice outfit Savage. Did the bag lady give that to you?

 

 

Jim Neidhart challenges the British Bulldog.

 

Jerry: So British Bulldog, do you accept his challenge, or is your breath worse than your bite.

 

 

Jerry tells the girl that her boyfriend wants to marry her.

 

Jerry: You don't want to marry him. Look at his ex-girlfriend, she's been around more times than a carousel.

 

 

Jerry got a kid to dress like Roddy Piper to make fun of him for their up coming match at KOTR.

 

Jerry: Nice haircut. Where did you get that from, a pet shop?

 

 

Jerry: P.U.! You can smell the alcohol on him.

_

 

Jerry: Hey McMahon, why don't you get Jake "The Snake" Roberts down here? Ha! Ha!

 

Vince McMahon: Oh, you think you are real funny.

 

Jerry: I want to talk to him. I want to ask him how the food was at the Betty Forbes clinic.

 

 

Vince McMahon: I'm attempting to get Jake "The Snake" Roberts on the phone right now.

 

Jerry: What are you going to do McMahon? Tell him that you're a bar tender?

 

 

Jake Roberts: I've got a lot of fire and rage burning inside of me...

 

Jerry: The only thing you have in you is 100 proof.

 

 

Jerry: Look at Jake, he's missing his shirt. He probably sold it for a shot.

_

 

Jerry: Jake is so drunk, whenever he wrestles he sees double vision. But he still wonders why everyone has an exact twin.

 

 

Jerry: Hey Jake, you don't look so tough now! Ha! Ha! Ha!

 

Kevin Kelly: Yeah King, it sure takes a lot of courage to taunt a man while he is laying on his back.

 

Jerry: That is the way he always is, that drunken' bum.

 

 

Jerry: I think they made a mistake when they called him the "Wildman". I think they should call him the "Mildman".

 

 

Vince McMahon: Isaac Yankem appears to be scared of the Ultimate Warrior.

 

Jerry: C'mon McMahon. Isaac Yankem is so tough, he can floss his teeth with barb wire.

 

 

Jerry: Out of all the King's Courts that I have had, you people are by far the ugliest crowd I have ever seen. Look at you. Is that your face, or did your neck throw up?

_

 

Jerry: Look at these two, look at her face! You see, it's girls like you that turn men into... well, you know, people like Goldust.

_

 

Jerry: Now that Razor Ramon's leg is hurt, he probably has to ride on a wheelchair. If his wheelchair ever stops moving because of rust, he can just use the grease from his hair to make it roll again.

 

 

Jerry: Hey McMahon, at the Bikini Beach Blast, if you decide to take a swim in the pool, your toupee might raise to the top and scare everyone away.

 

 

Jerry: Last time anyone saw legs like that was when the Brontosaurus was extinct.

 

 

Jerry: Instead of OJ's kids, what about Jake "The Snake's" kids? We don't have to worry about them though. At least they will be sober. They won't drink anything stronger than pop. But then again, Pop will drink anything.

 

 

Jerry: Savio Vega is taking more shots than Jake "The Snake" does during happy hour.

 

 

Jerry: Jose Lothario is so old, Anna Nicole Smith is starting to propose to him.

 

 

This was during the Karate Fighter tournament.

 

Jerry: Sunny's got a real nice pair of wrists.

 

 

Vince McMahon: Mabel is a real nice guy to the fans.

 

Jerry: Yeah, but I heard that he is not too nice if you disturb him during feeding time.

_

 

Jerry: Mabel is so huge, when he was a baby, he probably got baptized at Sea World.

_

 

(At the 1997 Slammy Awards)

 

Jerry: It's going to be a hair-raising experience. In your case McMahon, a toupee-raising experience.

_

 

(Undertaker walking off stage at Slammy Awards 97 and the camera gets a shot of his tattoos)

 

Jerry: OOOh, look at that face. That's Helen Hart's face there.

 

Vince: That was Capt. Louis Albano

 

Jerry: No, on Undertaker's arm. See it right there on his shoulder? I'd know Helen anywhere!

_

 

McMahon, if that (Ross') hat of his gets any bigger, he's gonna have to roll up both sides of it just to get him and his old lady in the pick-up truck.

_

 

When she (Chyna) comes in the room, mice jump on chairs.

_

 

Bret "The Hitman" Hart styles his hair with a weedwacker.

_

 

The stork that brought his (Mankind) kid got arrested for carrying dope.

_

 

(Owen Hart pushed the waiter at 97 Slammys and the waiter spilled food on Vader)

 

Look, Vader's got his dinner jacket on.....with dinner still on it!

_

 

I got in trouble because I stopped and told Helen Hart that her nylons are wrinkled......She wasn't wearing any.

_

 

(Phineas was having trouble reading the winner of Best Buns at 1997 Slammys)

 

He cant read! He cant read, McMahon!

_

 

Is it true that the toughest 4 years of your life was the 3rd grade? Is that true?

_

 

Ahmed Johnson's so dumb that he thinks Thomas Jefferson is that black guy that's married to Weezy.

_

 

Bob "Spark Plugg" Holly came in last in his last race because he kept pulling into the pit asking for directions.

_

 

Helen Hart got her tongue stuck in a toaster trying to make french toast.

_

 

Look at Paul Bearer. Looks like somebody dropped an ugly bomb on him.

_

 

Is that Paul Bearer's face of did his BUTT grow a nose?

_

 

(Close-up of Sunny's....uh, Slammy's)

 

Vince: Nice Slammy

 

Jerry: She's got a nice PAIR of Slammy's

_

 

Helen's got nice teeth....for a beaver!!

[Guest Wonderboy]

I'm not a fan of Lawler's, but him and JR were hilarious during the Flair/Taker match at Mania.

 

JR: "Undertaker, with that scrape on his face.."

Lawler: "Scrape?! If you had that scrape JR, you'd be in intensive care."

 

Then later on when Flair is COVERED in blood, and Taker just has that scrape..

 

Lawler: "Man, Taker is covered in blood."

JR: "Are you drunk? What's wrong with ya?'

Lawler: "I'm just saying Taker is.."

JR: "Look at Flair! He's bleeding all over the damn place!"

Lawler: "It's the blonde hair, JR. You can't see it on Taker... Undertaker's hair is soaked in blood."

 

His delivery when he said Taker's hair was soaked in blood was priceless. It's sad, because Lawler CAN be one of the best heel announcers ever, but instead he'd rather scream about tits.

[Guest]

The Helen/Stu Hart stuff was priceless.

 

One of his jokes that no one has mentioned yet:

Michael, you're a happily married man, right?

Yeah.

Well your wife's not!

[Guest Tha Cunnysmythe]

That massive list was ganked from Lawler's site. I used to go there all the time.

 

"What are you doing? The Spanish Announce table is over there?!" - Royal Rumble 2K2, Rock vs. Jericho

 

Heyman said that long ago. 'What are you doing here, we don't speak Spanish!' - I forget when, but seeing as it was Heyman, before 2002.

[Guest]

"Rikishi's back side is so big, when he sits down, chairs beg for mercy."

[Guest Zack Malibu]

One of Val Venis' first matches, when he came out, Lawler said in a stupid voice "Hellooooooo, JR!" and JR responded with "Easy, tiger...".  I don't know why, but I died when they did that.

 

When the Mexican minis were wrestling in 97-98, he said something like "Max Mini once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a curb."

[Guest Youth N Asia]

For some reason I cannot remember if he said it about Ivory or a ho...but here it is:

 

JERRY: "She's a butter girl, JR."

 

JR: "What's a butter girl?"

 

JERRY: "I like everything about her but her face."

 

Butter

But her...heh

[Guest The Mighty Damaramu]

This time that Mick Foley was wrestling ......

 

JR: How many best sellers have you written!?

Lawler: I haven't....but when I put my thoughts down on paper.......oooooooh  boy watch out!!!!!!!

 

Lawler's delivery was just hilarious.....

[Guest papacita]

One of my favorites. From the Raw in Mobile, AL in 97 where Owen Hart put Bob Holly over. They had just interviewed some fans about who they thought would win the match, and they were all "Bob Holly is the greatest" and stuff like that. So King says they're not real Alabamians, and he's gonna show JR some real Alabamians. So they cut to some interview where Lawler was talking to two fans. I can't remember word for word, but it was something like this:

 

Jerry: Are you from Alabama?

 

Fan: Yes.

 

Jerry: And you're big fans of the WWF, right?

 

Fan: Yes.

 

Jerry: Ok, so answer this one question for me. If you and your wife got divorced, would she still be your sister?

 

Fan: Uhh.......yeah. (laughs)

[Guest]

IMO, Jerry Lawler was at his best during Austin vs. McMahon. When you think about it, he'd spent 5 years mocking McMahon but it seemed when McMahon annouced he was the owner, Lawler straighten up and started to kiss his ass every week. I belive he hit his peak when Austin lost the title. He was a just a funny annoucer when anyone else was on, but the moment McMahon or Austin showed up on screen, he would be totally different and his ass-kissing was golden.

 

Sigh, I wish he continue that today.