My favorite promo

[Guest Suicide King]

Ah, back in the day... Grand Slam's leaving has gotten me all nostalgic, so I thought I'd post one of my favorite promos from my face run.  The Carnival at this time included myself, Stevens, Edwin, Raynor, Spark, and Mistress Sarah.  We were involved in a prolonged feud with the IGNWO, and I specifically was going to face Chris Wilson (then heavyweight champ) and Magnifico (who would win the match and become champ) in a six way at the PPV, along with Axis, Neilsen of the Jungle, and Stubby. What follows is pure Carnie madness.

 

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"So we're all agreed then?" the King of Hearts asks.

 

Comfortably situated around an executive suite at the Chicago Hilton, the other members of the Carnival smile and nod. Edwin in particular is beaming a 40-watt smile…

 

"But of course, mon capitan!! It is, as you say, necessary! The world expects certain things of the Carnival-"

 

"Like drive-by redecoratings," Stevens interrupts.

 

"Or using fish as throwing weapons," adds Spark.

 

"Not to mention utterly abusing our enemies in a creative, and potentially psychiatric bill-enhancing manner," Raynor says with a sly smile .

 

Edwin waves them all off. "Pshaw! But for Genesis… for Genesis we need something truly memorable. Something, dare I say, life-altering?"

 

Mistress Sarah uncurls from her couch languidly… "Well, this plan should certainly accomplish that! I wish we could see the looks on their faces… petty though it is, I would enjoy a little childish vindictiveness…"

 

The King of Hearts nods. 'You, more than any of us, are entitled. But that said… everyone remembers their part?"

 

A chorus of assents sound through the room.

 

"Excellent. Then let's go show my distinguished competition what a night at the Carnival really means…"

 

Snickering, the Carnies file out behind Sarah, after Edwin opens the door and bows with a flourish… she puts her hand to her cheek and remarks in a high falsetto, "Such gentlemen!" Stevens snorts out loud…

 

"Would gentlemen do this?"

 

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The picture fades in to a smoky bar… loud, pounding salsa music plays as fast-moving couples twirl about the tiny dance floor. We weave our way through the nightlife, dodging marguerita laden waitresses, before finally coming to a table… and none other than the august personage known as El Luchador Magnifico!!! A string of empty shot glasses line the table in front of him, along with an empty salt shaker and several discarded limes.

 

A waitress approaches, "Sir? Another shot of Cuervo Gold?"

 

Magnifico, obviously still quite sober in spite of the prodigious alcohol intake, smiles and nods. The waitress smiles back, and makes her way to the bar. Magnifico turns his attention back to his companion…

 

"Es muy fortunado that you could find the time to meet me tonight… gracias," ELM says, reeking of Latin charm. We are finally treated to a shot of his companion, a not unattractive woman of Hispanic origins… she blushes good-naturedly and smiles.

 

"I would say that it is my good fortune, senor. I am glad that we are finally able to meet… and at such an auspicious time for you as well!" the woman responds with a lilt to her voice.

 

"Si, si… but for as long as I am with such a beautiful woman, truly all times are auspicious for El Luchador Magnifico!" ELM responds with a charming laugh.

 

"Oh, but you are a charmer senor… but now, perhaps to business, yes?" the lady responds, eyes twinkling.

 

"Si… there will be time later for romance… Juanita?" The woman nods, indicating that that is in fact her name. "Very well. My situation in the States has become increasingly, how do you say, shaky? INS has been looking for an excuse to send me back home, and this is something Magnifico cannot allow!"

 

"It is sad how the jackals of immigration must always nip at the ankles of great men!" Juanita replies, looking deep into Magnifico's eyes…

 

"SI! So true… but in any event I find myself in a dangerous place now. My green card, such as it is, will soon expire, but I wish to remain!"

 

Juanita nods, "A common plight for our people here…"

 

"So you can see how truly lucky I feel to find such an understanding woman!" ELM says vigorously. "A marriage of convenience has saved many men and women before me… I would look after you as a good husband should, providing you with everything! My job requires me to travel frequently, so you would retain your freedom to act as you wish, providing that we remain married for five years… at which point I become an American citizen and we may go our separate ways!"

 

The woman smiles, " As long as we are understood that this is merely a business arrangement… si. My family is poor, and could use the financial support of a great man like yourself."

 

Smiling, ELM quietly asks, "It is agreed then?" The waitress appears again, bringing ELM his tequila shot. ELM smoothly salts his hand, licks it, slams the shot, and sucks on the lime! Smiling more broadly, he waits for an answer…

 

"Si," Juanita replies. "I accept. The opportunity to become Mrs. Magnifico is too tempting to pass up!" ELM claps his hands together loudly, quickly raising Juanita to her feet and kissing her on both cheeks! With a joyous cry of a soon-to-be-naturalized citizen he cries out, "FANTASTICO!!!!"

 

Laughing, Juanita tries to fend him off. "But senor, there are many things that must be done! My family must be informed and we must get a license tomorrow!" She bats her eyes, adding, 'Perhaps senor would wish to accompany me to my apartment tonight, as there are many…" She slowly trails a finger down Magnifico's chest… "things… we need to go over?"

 

ELM's eyes light up… "But of course! I would be remiss if I allowed such a beautiful lady to walk home alone!" Quickly slapping a handful of bills down on the table, ELM moves Juanita's seat back. She graciously rises, and the two link arms and go out into the slightly brisk Chicago night. Juanita leans her head against the manly shoulder of Magnifico…

 

"FREEZE!! DEPARTMENT OF IMMIGRATION!!" someone screams out, as the area is immediately flooded with bright light! Magnifico's eyes dart around, desperately looking for some sort of escape! He spins in place, preparing to flee back in the direction he came, when suddenly a white handkerchief wraps around his mouth and nose… Magnifico, shocked, takes a surprised gasp into his lungs and begins to struggle futilely. Growing weaker and weaker, finally his frantic movements… stop.

 

Spark removes his hand from ELM's mouth. "Man… that took long enough. I practically used the whole bottle of ether on this rag too!"

 

Juanita laughs, "I know… I could smell you coming a mile off! Thank goodness we were in that smoky bar, and he had had some drinks…" Juanita quickly flips her hair down, both hands reaching up and… removing a wig! It's Mistress Sarah, cleverly disguised!

 

"Now, if Edwin would just show up with the transportation…" Spark sighs.

 

As if on cue, a BRIGHT pink cadillac hops on to the curb, horn blaring and British madman at the wheel!! Spark and Sarah look at each other, letting out a sigh… the passenger door opens, revealing the Crown Prince of Flash and Pinache!

 

"Well? Are you going to get in, or stay on the sidewalk all night holding an unconscious Mexican?"

 

Spark and Sarah shake their heads… the Mistress sidles into the car, taking the passenger seat. Reaching back, she unlocks the backdoors. Opening them, Spark hurls the unconscious ELM in like a sack of potatoes before taking his own seat…

 

Edwin grins, "Well?"

 

Sarah begins to inspect her makeup in the side mirror… "Well, what?"

 

"Aren't you going to ask me how I got us such a splendiferous ride?!"

 

"No. Drive, you effete British bastard!!!"

 

"Right! Whoo hoo!!" Edwin lets out, before putting pedal to the metal and squealing off! As the garish car flees the scene, only one sound other than tire squeals can be heard… the worst Texan accent in the world cries out…

 

"REMEMBER THE ALAMO!!!!"

 

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Chris Wilson sits alone in his private suite… one hand clutches a wineglass, half-filled, the other a television remote. On screen runs the past footage of his opponents at Genesis. The evil genius smirks, putting down his wineglass and quickly jotting something down in a notebook, undoubtedly noting some key weakness in one of his many adversaries.

 

The phone rings… frowning, Wilson picks it up.

 

"I was under the impression that I gave orders not to be disturbed."

 

The voice at the other end trembles slightly, but braves on knowing it is his job after all… "Yes… umm… sorry about that sir. There's a package for you here at the front desk."

 

One eyebrow raises. "Is that so?"

 

"Yessir."

 

'Well, by all means bring it up. I look forward to seeing what the latest volley in our postal war brings." Wilson smirks at the thought of the Carnies even trying this tired old route…

 

"What?"

 

"Sigh… never mind, you dolt. Bring it up."

 

"I can't do that sir…"

 

Intrigued, Wilson leans in a little. "And why is that, my front desk friend?"

 

"Um… it's a certified package. You have to sign for it."

 

"Oh, do I? Could you describe the delivery man for me?"

 

'Well… um… she's about 5'3", long brown hair, brown eyes, Asian-"

 

"Right… well, they either have a middle man or that is the best disguise I've ever heard of."

 

"What?" the clerk is obviously growing more and more confused… "Should I call the police sir?"

 

"No, no… who is the package from, pray tell?"

 

"A Shinji Nobunaga, sir."

 

Wilson looks up, clearly debating the wisdom of going down himself… "And the address?"

 

Once again the obedient clerk rattles off the info.

 

"Is there a message with it?"

 

"Umm… hold on a second." Sounds of whispered conversation. "Um, yes. 'For my piano-loving friend, more than enough wire to insure that you are always able to stay in tune.'"

 

Wilson laughs out loud at that… "Fair enough. I'll be down momentarily. I just have to take some precautions first. Be so good as to have hotel security waiting in the lobby though… I'll dismiss them if it's unnecessary."

 

"Absolutely sir! Yessir!" Click.

 

Smiling, Wilson dons his trenchcoat and sunglasses. It's not hard to read what he is thinking in his manner, as he blithely anticipates the next move and countermove in this game with the Carnies… smirking at their presumption, Chris Wilson heads for the door, closing it behind him… walking down the hall toward the elevator, he presses the down button and patiently waits, imagining what childish prank the Carnies have in store for him downstairs…

 

The elevator arrives, and with a tiny ding the doors open.

 

"Why, hey there Wilson!" Grand Slam jovially responds, as two pairs of arms drag the stunned Wilson into the elevator… the sounds of an almighty beatdown commence for several seconds, before the camera twirls into a position that can view inside… revealing Stevens and Chris Raynor, standing over the bruised body of an evil genius…

 

Raynor laughs out loud, "Wilson, Wilson, Wilson… we don't need to outsmart you! You do that just fine yourself!"

 

Stevens chuckles as well… "Looks like King's abuse of a cell phone was awfully effective after all. Next phase Raynor. You know what to do."

 

"Yep… help me get his pants off."

 

Time passes…

 

Fifteen minutes later, Wilson takes his package at the front desk and dismisses the worries of the security guards, who are never eager to have to do any actual work. He then takes his leave, catching a ride outside with his friend, who is casually supporting a member of their party who obviously had too much to drink… Chris Raynor later wins an Academy Award for Best Impersonation of a Super Villain.

 

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click… whirrr…..

 

The sound of a tape in a VCR rewinding is the first thing to greet Wilson's senses. Audibly he says,

 

"Not again."

 

At the sound of the voice, another voice cries out in confusion. "Madre Dios!! Where am I?"

 

"Magnifico?"

 

"Senor Wilson?!"

 

The camera pans back, revealing each man has been stripped down to his boxers and T-shirt. Each man lies on the same gigantic, fluffy, four-post bed, one arm each handcuffed above their heads to the bed frame. In one corner of the room there is a bucket full of ice, with a bottle of champagne waiting to be uncorked. In the other corner a large pile of carefully wrapped presents sit. And, carefully positioned on a chair just out of reach of the bedbound duo is a beautifully framed document… Wilson considers his next words carefully, as he bites each syllable off with a tangible hatred…

 

"Carnies."

 

Click. The TV once again springs to life, beginning its loop once more… the image of the King of Hearts fills the screen in the very room that they are now in, in fact, sitting in between ELM and Wilson's bodies!

 

"Hello gentlemen! I hope that this tape finds you well, as I would hate if you were to miss our little gathering on Sunday. You're probably wondering where you are, why you're there, etc. Well, I am here to answer that in no particular order. After all, you've probably noticed that so far, nothing really that bad has happened to you. No feathers, no paint… it's like we're not even trying anymore, isn't it?"

 

ELM interrupts, "The King makes a point, Senor… this is not so bad! Nowhere near what they have done before!"

 

Wilson snarls, "That's what worries me."

 

"In any event, I just wanted you both to know that I, at least, have not forgotten you. In fact, you two have been on my mind quite a bit recently as I carefully put together this little plan. You see, you may both think I regard you with unremitting hatred… which is at least partially true, but I am a fun, and forgiving, guy! I decided to take the high road, do the big thing, and help you two lost souls out. And so, this."

 

The King spreads his arms wide, indicating the room.

 

"This is for you guys. I've seen how you two look at each other when you think no one's there. I've seen you, Magnifico, desperately search for a person to grant you citizenship. I've seen you, Wilson, craving a person of equal evil genius to your own… well, after all, I am the King of Hearts. And I decided to appoint myself as Cupid's helper in this particular case."

 

Wilson yells out, "What the hell are you talking about?"

 

"So, utilizing my network of Carnies we put together this little plan. Once we grabbed you two by various means, we flew you via helicopter to upstate Vermont, toward your current position. Namely that of the Ramada Inn Honeymoon Suite."

 

ELM's eyes widen in dawning horror.

 

"And once there, a justice of the peace friend of mine performed a wonderful ceremony for you two. I think we have some clips of it."

 

The image changes from the King of Hearts to a well-dressed man in black holding a book. Chris Wilson, dressed in a tux, is being supported by Grand Slam. Mistress Sarah comes down the aisle, throwing flower petals about before branching off… then, a familiar piano tune begins to play, as Raynor escorts an unconscious ELM, who is bedecked in a stunning white wedding gown with lace trim, toward the justice.

 

ELM breaks down into tears and broken Spanish muttering.

 

The screen fast-forwards to the justice saying, "You may now kiss the bride." Stevens and Raynor lean their respective unconscious charges in for the world's most unexciting liplock! "Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you Mr. and Mrs. Wilson!!!"

 

The image quickly changes back to a smirking King. "In case you were wondering, yes, it was lovely. I cried my eyes out, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Magnifico was a beautiful bride. In any event, Sarah caught the bouquet and Spark caught the garter. A good time was had by all. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, this is all perfectly legal. Vermont allows same sex marriages, and that document right there on the chair is your marriage license. You had six witnesses, all of whom remarked how eager and willing you two were."

 

Wilson smiles the smile of a vulture… "You'll pay, King."

 

"We paid for everything of course… it was the least we could do. We even all chipped in and got you some presents, which you see over there, and some champagne for 'afterwards,' if you get what I'm saying." The King leans in for a lecherous wink. "But now, I will leave you two lovebirds to your roost. Have fun, relax, and remember, none of us care that you follow an alternative lifestyle! We only care that two people are finally happy…"

 

"See you boys at Genesis."

 

With a blip, the screen fades and the tape begins to rewind itself again.

 

Wilson growls out… "Housekeeping will be here soon enough, and then we'll be out of here Magnifico… don't worry. Our lawyers will rip this apart."

 

ELM looks thoughtful. "Si, senor, that is bueno. But what Magnifico wonders is this… if this marriage is legal in Vermont…

 

"Does that mean Magnifico is now an American citizen?"

[Guest Chuck Woolery]

Yes!  The Vermont promo!

 

I remember this one... it was originally New Hampshire (my home state), which got me kinda angry, because New Hampshire is not gay whatsoever.  Gayness is not a New Hampshire thing... so yeah, I brought it up, and the Carnies changed it.  Whee.  I have so little power... anyway, funny promo.  Really enjoyable, especially the whole ether rag INS deal... yeah.

 

-Mike Van Siclen

[Guest]

*sniff sniff*

 

King, I would like to thank you for bringing this out of the linen closet and UNLOADING LIKE A MOFO upon all us newbies with a BOMB-ASS promo.

 

*sniff sniff*

 

Commence with more awesome feedback.

 

The *I'm gonna buy more tissue* Porterhouse King

[Guest TheBostonStrangler]

Greatest. Promo. EVAR.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  God, that one was so good.  Man, last summer RULED.  We were promo beasts, I say, beasts!  That's one of the classics.

 

Oo, made me feel all good and stuff.

[Guest crusen86]

Old skool. I still remember it.