SJL Metal - Wednesday, May 1

May 2, 2002

Study break! Here comes your show, kids!

SJL Metal Card, Wednesday May 1st

Arena: The Melon Arena, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Show Up Or Be Gone From The JL Match

Jack The Ripper vs. The Reaper

- I've got no indication that these guys are still around. I may be wrong, but if they no show without a reason, bye bye.

Tag Match

XF9 (Ced Ordonez/Ash Ketchum) vs. "TNT" Taylor Nicholas Thompson/Tod deKindes

- TNT and Tod deKindes have been working real well together as a team. Here, as requested, they get a chance to team up in a tag match against the impressive team from X Force 9, Ash Ketchum and Ced Ordonez. Will the TNT/deKindes team continue to roll, or will X Force 9 derail the TT(double-T) train? Oh, and Ash pulls double duty, because he's such a big man.

Singles Match

Frost vs. Vanguard

- Frost cost Vanguard the TV Title on Crimson by showing him a naked picture of Chyna. Vanguard didn't think too highly of this tactic, and now these two familiar foes face off once more. Will this be the end of Batman, or will be topple the iceberg once again. Only time will tell.

Hardcore Stylez Match

Insane Luchador vs. Poisyn

- Ummmm, well, a hardcore match is always a good crowd pleaser and is bound to get ratings up. Who better to spill their guts and blood for entertainment than Rickmen and Poisyn. Let the blood flow...

SHOW UP OR FUCKING DIE SINGLES MATCH

Jacob Helmsley vs. Flexxx

- The message above was more directed at Jacob Helmsley, whose rise to the top of the fed has been short circuited by his lack of committment (i.e. - he never shows up). Edwin doesn't like it when his superstars don't show up, especially those with potential. On Wednesday, Jake goes up against the returning Flexxx, who has the potential to make serious waves at the top himself. Will Flexxx funk all over the insane former Alliance member, or will Jacob finally show us all what he's got and make a serious move towards the top of this fed? A great match from either man could see them rise...

World Title #1 Contendership Match

Xero vs. Ash Ketchum

- These two superstars have been mainstays in the JL for sometimes, and both want to hold that coveted world title just once. They will fight it out to see who will get that chance at greatness. Will we see the Ash Ketchum that defeated Chris Raynor a while back, or will Xero make him null (get it, Xero...zero...null? I'm such a geek) and void?

MAIN EVENT

World/European Titles Double Fall Match

"The Superior One" Tom Flesher vs. Z © vs. "Deathwish" Danny Williams

- With the vacant world title up for grabs, this match should be a doosey. Flesher and Z are the #1 contenders to the world title, while Williams is the #1 contender to the European Title. This match goes for two falls. The first fall will decide the European champion, and the second fall will crown a new SJL World champion. Will Z throw away his European Title for a chance to go for World gold, or will Deathwish pull the upset of the century and walk away with the big gold star? Will Tom reach the belt he's been groomed to hold? Who knows, but it should be one hell of a contest. Oh, before you ask, no, you are not eliminated after the first fall. It is quite possible for one person to win both titles, although, us on CC would appreciate it if you didn't do that, because if you do, then we have to go about jobbing you to Petro the Clown while ELK and GORO violently rape you. Oh, and then GORO will eat your children.

May 2, 2002

Jack the Ripper versus The Dark Reaper

...

In the words of Stone Froze Jack Houston: bye bye, jackass (es).

May 2, 2002

…And we’re back! The camera cuts to the announcers desk, where Axis has a bit of a befuddled look on his face.

Axis: “Well, welcome back to Metal. An interesting thing happened this afternoon, as several tapes were left in the production truck…”

Edwin: “Do you think it was Santa Claus!?”

Axis: “…no, Edwin. The tapes were labeled ‘XF9’ and had a note of what match to play them after. So we’re just going to go ahead…”

The shot immediately becomes static-y, and the shot comes back of a hallway in the Melon Arena, obviously from a lower quality camera than the ones usually used. The camera passes by several different people, Including SJL talent scouts Kyousuke Jose Sanchez and Claire Kalem. Their earnest discussion about the night’s dark match between Alex Cross and Cyclonef Comei, is interrupted when Claire shrieks! …and the camera pulls back to see Tom Flesher standing behind her with a grin plastered on his mug. At the sight of Flesher, the crowd reacts violently. Actually, so does Claire…

Claire: “Hands OFF, pal!” (She slaps Tom’s arm away.)

Tom: “Aww… Here I thought might actually of considered what I said to you in that bar last night.”

Claire: “No. And don’t think that Blaine forgot what you said, either.”

Tom smirks.

Tom: “Man, you’re still with that loser? C’mon, why don’t you just dump him and try a bit of the Superior One?”

Claire ‘hmph’s and folds her arms over her chest.

Tom: “No, huh? This is your only chance to have a go with a world champ, you know!”

Claire turns her back to Tom.

Tom: “Ah, well. You’ve got my number, babe. Later!”

Claire glowers as Tom saunters away. Sanchez chimes in…

Sanchez: “Sorprendiendo, el agujero perfecto del asno que veo.”

Claire: “Si.”

Tom continues down the hall, finally coming up to a locker room door. The placard reads…

“TOM FLEICHER

Man Event Challenger.”

Tom stares at the door with a stunned gape, neglecting to notice the door slightly ajar. Immediately, Tom pulls his cell phone out of his back jean pocket, dialing a number.

Tom: “Yes! It’s Tom Flesher! …the SJL, you moron! No, I need the arena manager IMMEDIATELY. …I don’t care, just get him here!”

The picture fuzzes out, coming back seconds later. The little clock in the corner of the camera shot is several minutes ahead now. Tom stands in the hall, looking down on a meek, middle aged man in a grey suit.

Tom: “What the HELL is the meaning of this?” (He points to the plaque.)

Manager: “Er… Mr. Fleischer, I don't...”

Tom: “DON'T YOU GET IT? I specifically requested that my placard read "THE SUPERIOR ONE, TOM FLESHER, THE NEXT SJL WORLD CHAMPION." Not only are you completely ignorant of the fact that I'm going to walk away tonight with the SJL World Championship, but you can't even spell my name right!”

Manager: “Well, Mr. Fleischer, I'm very...”

Tom: “I bet you don't even have my bowl of blue M&Ms ready! I bet you got me Chardonnay instead of champagne! God, I swear, if you don't have my jar of Nutella and loaf of Wonder bread...”

Manager: “I promise you, Mr. Fleischer...”

Tom: “Bah! Useless! I’ll see your ass in court!”

Tom shoves the man away angrily, throwing open to door and flicking on the lights. …And there, in front of him, is one of the rooms full body mirrors, with the words ‘LOOK UP’ written on in red lipstick. Tom dutifully turns his head upward…

“HIIII-YAAAA!!”

With that battle cry, Ced Ordonez leaps from behind the rooms couch, jumping up and dunking a bucket of fresh Canadian Maple Syrup on Tom’s face! Flesher sputters and coughs as he tries to wipe the syrup from his eyes…

“SPOOOOOON!”

With THAT battle cry, Z leaps from his hiding place, taking a grocery bad and duping it’s contents over Tom: A bag full of feathers! Tom cries bloody murder as Z and Ced exchange hi-fives! Z quickly deposits an envelope on the floor below Tom, before he and Ced run out of the room, in separate directions!

Breathing heavily, Tom wipes the syrup and feathers from his eyes… to see the envelope. Taking it from the floor, shakes it to see if THIS is also pranked. Finding nothing, Tom rips open the envelope, taking the lined sheet of loose-leaf inside. He reads….

“Dear Thomas,

Our deepest, most heartfelt sympathies on your upcoming defeat. As special ‘We’re sorry we beat you’ presents, we’d like you to accept these maple syrup and feathers. We know that living in Buffalo probably provided you with much fine maple syrup for your Christmas morning pancakes, and since getting spoiled at Christmas for you was no doubt a wonderful experience, we wanted you to remember. After all, as long as we’re around, it’ll probably be the last time. The feathers are to keep you flying high after this earth shattering defeat. Keep reaching for that rainbow.

Love,

Ash, Ced and Alex –XF9. xox-oxo

oxo-xox

May 2, 2002

***Back from commercial break, we cut to the backstage near the go position where Tod deKindes is limbering up minutes before his match. His trench coat and shades lying on an anvil case nearby, he stops his stretching when he spots Ced Ordonez approaching him.***

Ced: Hey Tod. Listen, I know we got a tag match coming up; but I just wanted to tell you. We've seen what that Danny Williams has been doing to you and TNT, costing you matches and whatnot, so we just wanna let you know, if Williams tries to interfere again and gets in our way first, me and Ash will take care of him, don't worry.

***Tod doesn't answer right away, reaches behind him to grab his trench coat and puts it on, preparing for what is sure to be a brutal matchup***

Tod: You two just leave Danny to us…(puts shades up on his forehead)…You guys…should focus on the match. (slides the shades down to eye level)

Ced: …Righto. We'll give 'em hell, then.

***Both men split ways. Ced rejoins his awaiting partner, while Tod goes through the curtain, emptying a water bottle on his head.***

***Ringside.***

Axis: All right folks, it's time for some old school tag team action!

Edwin: Yeah! Old school!

Axis: The always entertaining XF9, Ash Ketchum and Ced Ordonez are going up against the newly formed team of Tod deKindes, and the Television champion Taylor Nicholas Thompson!

King: You know, back when I was in a small indie promotion called the WWF, you may have heard of it.

Axis: Sounds strangely familiar.

King: Anyway, I used to team up with this guy named Vincent Simon McMahon Sr. You ever heard of him? Hell of a guy.

Edwin: Um, King, he was the owner, he never wrestled a day in his life and he died in 1987. You were only seven years old.

King: You mean…he wasn't the one with the yellow pants and the hair?…

Axis: Right. Moron. Let's take you to Funyon for our introductions!

…

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is a tag team contest and is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, making his way down the aisle…

"SHOOOOCK!!"

Funyon: From Muenchen, Germany, weighing in at 227 lbs…Tod deeeeeeeee - Kin - deeeeeeeeeeesss!!

***Tod makes his way out of the backstage area and lingers a few seconds under the Smarktron, bathing in its luminous strobe lights. Listening to the fans chanting to his song, he slowly but confidently saunters down the aisle. Tod slides under the bottom rope and does his ritual roar to the fans. He takes off the unnecessary clothing and paces around the ring, awaiting his partner; while 'Shock' fades to a stop.***

Funyon: And his partner…

"Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy!…"

Funyon: From Anaheim, California, weighing in at 267 lbs of pure muscle!

King: And fat.

Axis: King!

Funyon: He is the SJL World Television Champion…He is the TNT, Taylor - Nicholaaaaaaaaaaaas - Thompsoooooooooon!!

***Thompson comes out, belt strapped to his waist. He quickly unhooks it however, and raises it up towards the fans as they praise him with a messiah of cheers. He walks down the aisle, slapping some hands along the way. He walks up the steps and onto the apron, tosses his belt to Tod…who can't help looking at the prize he came so very close of claiming for himself, but then prefers to hand it to referee Mark Hebner. Thompson does his usual four corner pose and touches fists with Tod, as they await their opposition.***

Axis: These two looked pumped to face of XF9!

King: Oh please, I could school both of them with one arm tied behind my back…if I had 6 arms.

Funyon: And their opponents…

**”It's Going Down” by The X-ecutioners hits the speakers.***

Funyon: At a total combined weight of 446 lbs, accompanied to the ring by Misty… They are members of the X Force 9: Ash Ketchum and Ced - Orrrrrrrdooooooooooooooooneeeeeeeeez!!

Edwin: Listen to him roll that R!

King: Shyeah. A real Michael Buffer.

Axis: Yeah, except Funyon's hair is real.

King: …Or is it?

***XF9 strides through the curtain to the cheers of the crowd, slapping the hands of their adoring fans along the way. They slide into the ring, part the ropes for Misty to come in and both men proceed to do a pose in a corner for the audience. Once t-shirts are removed and thrown to the audience, Misty exits the ring as both teams retreat to their corner for some quick pre match strategy.***

Edwin: Wowza! Put another shrimp on the Barbie! Misty is looking FINE tonight!!

King: Ash is SO going to kick your ass.

Axis: This one should be a fast paced encounter, guys. Here we go!

***Bell rings. Ced and Ash play rock / paper / scissors to determine the starter. Ced gets the honors as his rock is covered by Ash’s paper. Across the ring, Tod says he'll gladly go first. While the respective partners retreat to their corners, Tod and Ced start circling eachother. Quick hand slap to establish the mutual respect between both teams, and into a lock up. Tod, using a rare size advantage, propels Ced down to the mat with a blindingly fast arm drag. Ced looks up and appears a little impressed. Both men up, and they step into a second lock up. They tussle around a bit. Tod pushes Ced against a corner, and then sends him down with authority using another arm drag. Ced looks up at Tod again, knowing that he means business. Under the encouragement of his partner Ash, Ced gets to his feet again and preps for a third lock up with the German grappler. Lockup #3 is in progress, as Tod grabs a headlock. Ced twirls around the foreign fighter, grabbing his arm in the process and wrenching it behind his back. Tod grimaces in pain, and though he could probably escape from the hold with relative ease, opts to tag the explosive one into the ring.***

Edwin: BOOM!! (a few people, King and Axis included, jump from the sudden noise) Sheesh. I was just talking about how TNT is exploding in the ring.

Axis: Eddie Mac, please refrain from performing such sound effects or uttering the words bomb, fire, or N-Sync in public. Makes for bad PR.

***Inside the ring, Taylor comes reeling out of his corner like a bull who sees red, except the bull is a muscular, half naked, sweaty man; he comes charging out, decapitating Ordonez with a stiff clothesline. Ced sits up groggily, and upon further examination the crowd realizes that his head is still intact. Ced kips up, and gawks upward at the towering mass known as TNT. Ced trots backwards, reverberates off of the ring ropes, and comes back with a…*BAM!* An “Ow, my spleen,” is faintly gurgled from Ced’s mouth as he plummets to the ground via sideslam courtesy of TNT. Thompson pries Ced off of the mat, gets him in a standing head scissors, lifts him up for the powerbomb…and plunges to the mat head first after a quick hurricanrana by Ced!***

King: The momentum of this match is switching faster then Madonna’s hairstyle!

Edwin: Hey King, truth or dare?

Axis: Edwin, please! No Madonna tangents, remember last time?

King: Don’t bring that up, good god…My cat Smokey still hasn't gotten over it.

***Ced slowly rises to his feet, and drops a series of quick elbows to Thompson’s mid-section. Taylor stands dizzily, and is speared back into the corner. Ash stands on the ring apron egging on the crowd as they recite a booming “WHOOOOOOO!!!!!” after every knife-edge chop Ced delivers to the explosive warrior. TNT finds himself eating mat as Ced drop toeholds him down to the floor and holds him there as he makes the tag to the Pokefreak. Ketchum observes the situation, with Taylor still being held on the ground by the drop toehold, leans backwards and whiplashes himself over the top rope, flipping over and landing on Thompson! Taylor arches his back, writhing in anguish. He is soon to recover however, and stands back up. Immediately Ash goes for the modified Rock Bottom he calls the Pokerap, but receives a kick to the gut and a double-arm DDT onto the ring floor! Taylor lays on the mat in a drunken state for a few seconds, and then inches over to his German friend, who eagerly makes the tag.***

Axis: And now it’s Ash and Tod’s turn to fight it out!

King: I could take them both on (silently mumbling) with a steel chair.

Edwin: Whazzat?

King: Nothing.

***Both men standing up, exchanging respectable glances. Ash bounces off the ropes, but comes back to meet a Holly-esque dropkick right in the face. Irish whip exchange leads to yet another dropkick by Tod, but this one causes a “Whiff!” sound as Ketchum dodges, awaits Tod to rise to his feet, and lifts him up with a fireman carry. Ash plays to the crowd for a few seconds, but as soon as Tod begins to wiggle, Ash takes him down with the fireman carry-into-stunner that he calls the K-Cutter! Tod uses the ropes as a way to help him to his feet, but is nailed in the kisser with several right hands by the Undercard King. Tod’s eyebrow commences in some bloodletting, as “Gatorade” trickles down his face.***

Edwin: Hey look, he’s blushing.

Axis: I believe the correct term is bleeding.

King: You know, it doesn’t really hurt. I used to bleed in every single one of my matches when I was…--

Edwin: SWF Champion?

King: No, wrestling in my living room with my adopted schnauzer collie, Bippo.

Edwin: I thought you had a cat…

***Ash grabs Tod in a front face lock and tags in his partner Ced. Double Irish whip to the ropes; Ash catches Tod in a drop toe hold, whereas Ced comes off the other side and nails Tod with a leg drop on the back of the head. Ced grabs Tod's left arm and puts it in an arm wringer. He goes to tag Ash back in, but Tod does a few flips and rolls here or there, reverses the arm wringer and sends Ced flying down to the mat! He maintains the arm bar, as TNT eggs on the cheers in his corner. Not one to be held down in such a manner, Ced tries to break himself free in any way he can, first by grabbing the hair, which leads to no good as the referee gives him a warning. Ced reverses the arm bar and attempts an Irish whip, but Tod is one step ahead as he grabs a handful of Ced's hair and yanks him down to the mat with authority. Quick cover gives only a one count. Tod, who wants to make sure that he'll hold onto this advantage, thinks quick and reapplies another arm bar on the dazed Ordonez. Under guidance from Ash, Ced crawls around and manages to touch a bottom rope with his foot.***

Axis: Tod's gotta release that hold now, he wouldn't want to get disqualified.

***Tod makes full use of the five count and finally relinquishes the hold. Both men get to their feet and connect with another lockup. Tod quickly grabs a headlock, but Ced pushes him off and sends him to the ropes. They do a quick shoulderblock / roll over / hop across / leap frog sequence, which results in Ced attempting a hiptoss. It's blocked by Tod, he tries his own, THAT one's blocked, gutshot by Ced, he puts a leg over Tod's head, flips backwards and does a quick headscissor out of nowhere that sends Tod down to the mat!***

Edwin: Solid mat wrestling from both teams so far, what a great match!

King: Oh come on, this match sucks more than a circus seal in a sperm bank.

***Both men get up to their feet. Instead of a lock up this time, Ced thinks quick and goes for a short clothesline. Tod ducks it and counters with right hands to the head, and sends Ced to the ropes. He plants a boot in his gut and bounces off the other ropes, in attempt of a swinging neckbreaker. Ced ducks that one and pushes Tod against the ropes. Tod comes back, ducks a clothesline and comes back with a breathtaking a float over DDT, into a cover. ***

*One!*

*Two!*

***Kick out. ***

Edwin: This is looking grim for Ced.

King: Edwin, I despise you with a sadistic enthusiasm.

Edwin: Well isn’t that peachy.

***Tod delivers a swift superkick to Ced, instantly putting him down. Taylor, who has has been feverishly paying attention to the match and cheering on his partner on the ring apron, spots Tod approaching him and perks up, extending his hand for the tag. *FWOMP!* Ordonez plummets to the mat after a quick yet stiff kneelift by Taylor. Thompson lifts up Ced, and puts him back down with a viscous Russian leg sweep. Two count is made. TNT, a little frustrated, tests an assortment of power moves on Ced, none doing the job. Half-nelson suplex, kick out. Old-school piledriver, kick out. Falcon Arrow, kick out. Chokeslam, kick out. A resounding “FUCK!” echoes throughout the arena, as Taylor stands up, slamming his fist on the mat.***

Axis: TNT desperately wants to put away Ordonez but to no avail!

Edwin: Ced’s as tough as an ox…on steroids…with body armor…inside a bomb shelter. Um, what’s a better way to put this? Ok, how bout this, let’s say this match pretty much parallels “Rocky.” Now, Ced’s Rocky, and, um, Taylor is Thunderlips.

King: Your analogies and you generally as a person, SUCK! Last week Taylor was Chewbacca and now he’s Thunderlips?

***Irish whip exchange takes place. Taylor gains the advantage, as Ced is driven into the mat with a nasty spinebuster. Taylor makes the tag, as Tod ascends to the nearest top rope, he stands up top, delivers a mighty roar to the crowd, and flips off the turnbuckle with a swanton bomb! …which of course misses miserably.***

Axis: Ordonez still seems to be in this contest for the time being…can he make the tag?

*SLAP*

Edwin: Here comes Rocky to avenge the fallen Apollo Creed!

King: I am gonna strangle you.

Edwin: That’s fair Clubber Lang. (King jumps Eddie Mac, attempting a quick clothesline, but is cut short by Axis)

Axis: Calm down King. Edwin, I thought Ced was Rocky.

Edwin: I’m a carnie, not a brain surgeon.

***Ash storms the ring, both Taylor and Tod swing at him, but to no avail as Ketchum fights back with several right hands, and a Rocket Launch dropkick to both of his opponents. Another quick chop to the throat area sends TNT to the ring apron, clinging to the ropes to hold on. Tod takes a swing at the XF9 member, but Ash slithers behind him, hooks his arms, and smashes his head into the mat with a tiger suplex! Ash clings on to Tod, arching his body and forming a bridge in the process.***

*One!*

*Two!*

*Thr…*

***Tod elevates his entire upper body a mere fraction of an inch off of the ring apron, breaking the count. Ketchum lifts Tod off of the mat, and whips him into the ropes. Ash bounces off of a separate set of ropes, but Thompson puts downward pressure onto them, causing Ash to go sailing over them onto the protective padding outside! Tod, still running back after reverberating off of the ropes, uses him momentum to go soaring through the ropes with a suicide dive! A dazed Pokefreak and his German adversary go toppling to the ground.***

Axis: Tod deKindes pulling out all the stops to win this matchup!

King: All the stops? Where’s the top rope Tiger Driver ‘92? All the stops? Where’s the Super Spinning Tombstone piledriver from the inside turnbuckle to the outside through the announcer’s table? All the stops, huh?? Where’s the sweat sock induced mandible CLAW?! These guys are using sissy moves!

Edwin: Um, King, I’m not sure if you’ve been paying attention, but Tod just received a Mew Driver onto the concrete! It takes a Tommy Morrison or two to survive that.

Axis: Morrison? Which Rocky is that?

Edwin: Five.

***Ash throws Tod back into the ring and slides in after him. He gets the still woozy Tod to his feet and sends him with authority to the ropes. Tod ducks two clotheslines and a back elbow, then attempts a cross body, but it's caught by Ash, who plants Tod down with a powerslam. He runs the ropes, does a quick forward roll and lands in a quick five star frog splash, into a cover.***

*One!*

*Two!*

***Kick out by Tod. Ash brings him to his feet and quickly takes him to a corner for a few palm thrusts, prompting the usual five count and warning from the referee. Solid Irish whip to the opposite corner by Ash sends Tod kidneys first hard into the turnbuckles. Ash capitalizes and nails Tod in the jaw with his modified enziguiri, to a resounding *SMACK!*. While Tod staggers to one knee, Ash comes back and nails him with a dropkick right on the head. He hurls Tod to XF9’s corner and tags in Ordonez, who flies right into the ring with a sunset flip!***

*One!*

*Two!*

***Kick out. Ced capitalizes quickly on the dazed Tod and Irish whips him to a neutral corner. Blind charge misses however, as he has a close encounter with Tod's raised feet. Tod comes charging out of the corner and sends Ced to the mat with a double leg takedown. Tod zeroes in on the left leg and starts dropping a few elbows on it.***

Edwin: Notice that when Ash Ketchum is in the ring, he knows his way around, like the Russian in Rocky 4. Ced however is still adjusting to his opponent, which is why he usually is on the receiving end of things until the end of the match.

***Tod lifts up Ced by his bad leg, but Ordonez hops around and swings his free leg in hope of an enziguiri! Tod ducks as Ced lands face first back down on the mat. Tod seizes the occasion and applies a leg wrenching hold that sends Ced screaming in pain.***

Axis: A bizarre submission hold on Ced, will he tap out?

***Tod spots both Ash and his partner TNT poised and ready to jump in the ring, but he simply opts to release the hold and drop and elbow on Ced's upper back. Tod rolls Ced towards his corner and sprawls his left leg on the mat. He tags in Thompson, who comes out of the corner and hits a knee drop right on the limb!***

Axis: Ouch! That's GOTTA be painful!!

***Ced, screaming for mercy, is pulled up by the hair. Taylor screams something at Ash and brings Ced back down with a nasty shin breaker.***

Edwin: Can't help but notice TNT and Tod deKindes being a little more aggressive than usual tonight. They are relentless on that knee and they're gonna tear it off if necessary! De-ja-vu of Rocky 2!

King: Ah. There’s nothing more exhilarating then observing the pain of others.

***Thompson tries to whip Ced in the ropes, but the knee just won't cooperate for now. Instead, Thompson hooks both of his arms and nails him with a spiffy butterfly suplex, holds onto the arms, and takes him down again with a double-arm DDT, holds onto the arms *again* and completes the trifocal with a double underhook powerbomb! He confidently covers, failing to hook the leg.***

*One!*

*Two!*

*Th…--

***Ced gets his shoulder up at the last second. Thompson picks up the noticeably smaller wrestler by the hair and shoves him to a corner, only to Irish whip him away from it. Ced does a limping jog to the other corner and smashes into it HARD. He staggers out, as Thompson slowly meets up with him…and casually strong-arms him into another corner. He lets Tod know that he's got him now, and charges at the near limp Ced…but Ced moves! As Thompson staggers out to center ring, holding his chest, Ced gingerly bounces off the ropes and connects with a flying clothesline that sends Thompson down. Once he's back up, Ced nails him with a few weak roundhouse kicks. Irish whip exchange, and Ced brings Thompson down with a side russian leg sweep. As the referee puts on the 10 count, both men stagger up at six. Thompson grabs Ced, but Ced wiggles out, grabs a headlock, pedals up the ropes and sends Thompson down with a swinging bulldog. Both men stay down, as the referee puts the count back on.***

Axis: This could turn the tide here!!

***Hot tag is made, both Ash and Tod storm in the ring. Ash nails anything that moves with clotheslines and bodyslams. Ced remains safe from Ash’s rampage however because he is NOT moving. Ash literally kicks both Tod and TNT's collective asses while the crowd starts cheering relentlessly.***

Axis: It's going wild here in the Igloo, Ash is on a rampage!!

***Ash mistakenly starts working on Thompson in the corner with kicks and punches.***

Edwin: Wait, now…Tod's the legal man, Ash should focus on *him*!

***Indeed, Tod capitalizes on the mistake and forearms Ash in the back. He grabs his head and arm, spins around and plants him with his secondary finisher.***

Axis: Cerebral Driver by Tod!!

***Meanwhile in the melee, TNT neutralizes Ordonez with a fireman's carry-into-a-Diamond-Cutter, and sends him to the outside!***

Axis: Tod and TNT are left alone with Ash! Now's their chance!!

***The two wrestlers give each other a knowing glance, as Tod climbs the second rope, Thompson lifts up Ash in a powerbomb position. Tod gets ready to execute his half of their double-team move, but he (along with the crowd) sees someone running down the aisle!***

Axis: Danny Williams?! Come on, not again!!

Edwin: Here comes Adrian!

***Tod leaps outside onto Danny instead and righteously kicks his ass to the delight of the crowd.***

Edwin: Tod saw him this time, and he's taking it to Danny Williams!!

King: Retreat, Danny, retreat!!

***While Tod and Danny brawl to the back, Ced slinks back in the ring and spears Thompson down, saving his partner from certain doom. The XF9 members recover and bring the dazed Thompson to his feet. Ced whips Thompson to a set of ropes, while Ash runs the opposite set. Ced executes a quick monkey flip while Ash flies back in the picture, grabbing TNT's head; both men connecting with a HUGE spiked DDT!***

Axis: It’s over!

***Both XF9'ers pile on top while the referee gets in position for the obvious 3-count.***

*One!*

*Two!*

*Three!!*

***Bell rings, as the victors' theme music is firing up on the speakers.***

Funyon: The winners of this contest; the X - F - 9: Ash Ketchum and Ced - Orrrrrrrrrrdoooooooooooneeeeeeeezzzzz!!!

Axis: A big win for the XF9, as TNT tastes defeat for the first time here in the SJL!!

Edwin: But you gotta wonder if Danny Williams did what he came here to do, and that was to distract Tod and TNT, and cost them the match!

King: Edwin, that's EXACTLY what he did!! And I, for once, am PROUD of Danny Williams!!

***As the XF9 group leaves the ring, Thompson sits up, looking a little pissed.***

Axis: Well, nonetheless, Danny Williams and Tod deKindes are somewhere fighting in the Igloo as we speak. We need security in the back!!

King: No!! Let 'em fight!!

Edwin: Ahem, we’ll be right back, don’t TOUCH your remote! No, I don’t care if the lesbian scene from “Wild Things” is on channel 274, DO NOT CHANGE THE CHANNEL! We’ll be right back. And don’t forget, SJL programming has been brought to you tonight by Rocky 6! Coming to a theatre near you!

May 2, 2002

Axis: “And welcome back to Metal, live from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania!”

King: “Home of the Penguins, the Steelers, the Pirates, and a bunch of other teams that haven’t won anything for an entirety!”

Edwin: “Yes, and Ohio sports team have SO made a killing the last few years, right Kingy?”

King: “…Shut up, MacPhisto.”

Axis: “Anyyyyway, you should remember the first tape XF9 gave us tonight. Well, the production team had a second, and it said to play it after the last match, so that’s what we’re gonna’ go ahead and do…”

The camera fuzzes out again, replaced by another low quality shot. Again, this one looks around the barren halls of the Melon Arena. And, again, it catches Tom Flesher wandering about. He has removed the syrup stained T-shirt, but his face arms and head are still covered in feathers and the brown sticky stuff. As he steps around the corner, the camera notes Danny Williams sipping a bottle of water.

Danny(Sniffing the air): “Something smells weird…”

With that, Tom comes around the corner. Danny spits a mouthful of water all over Tom, before scrunching his face up, as if Flesher had offended him in some way. Seething, Tom raises his head up to Danny, wiping a stray feather from his face.

Tom(trembling with anger): WHAT… THE HELL… IS… WRONG… WITH YOU!?”

(Danny gives Tom a perturbed look)

Danny: “I sure don’t know. What's wrong with YOU? Don't you have any respect for the sport of wrestling?”

Tom: “What in the hell are you babbling on about!?”

Danny(snorts): “I don't care what the hell you think you're going to do tonight. I'm sick of your goddamn stunts for attention and publicity. You're a legend in your own mind, nowhere else. I don't know what the hell walking around covered in feathers has to do with winning the World Title, but you look like an idiot.”

(Tom’s expression changes from angry to stunned. He cocks his head to one side, pointing both of his hands at himself)

Tom: “You think… I did this to MYSELF?”

Danny: “I don't give a damn what you did. I just know I'm doubly ready to take you out, because kicking your ass is my anti-drug.”

(Williams nods as he walks off, popping the top of the water bottle back down. Flesher stares on, glowering. He wipes a drop of syrup out of his eye, before mutter something incomprehensible. The scene cuts to static, before reverting to the shot of the ring…)

May 2, 2002

Metal returns from commercial to the smiling visage of the dapper Funyon standing in the ring with microphone in hand.

Funyon: “Our next match is scheduled for one fall with a fifteen minute time limit. Introducing first from Reykjavik, Iceland at a weight of 296 lbs., Frrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooost!”

“Cities on Flame with Rock ‘n Roll” blasts from the speakers as the Iceman from Iceland makes his slow, strutting way to the ring. The crowd boos and one fan along the aisle shoves a “Frosty the Snowman” sign in the big man’s face. He jerks it out of the startled fan’s hands and rips it to shreds with a snarl on his lips. He gives a slight grunt of anger as he tosses the pieces of torn poster board in the air and continues to the ring to even louder jeers.

Edwin: “Frost has such a way of relating to the fans. He’s another Ken Patera.”

King: “Who?”

Edwin: “I don’t know I read about him on the internet.”

Funyon: (as Frost enters the ring through the second rope) “And his opponent from Vanguard Heights, Vanguard-alina at 219 lbs., the mysterious Vaaaaaaaaaaanguarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd!”

Edwin: “Whatever happened to Parts Unknown? They had a kicking high school football team.”

The lights shift to a deep blue shade as “Rock Superstar” kicks up on the sound system. Nightwatch the owl swoops down from the rafters and glides to the ring on extended wings as the crowd’s roar rises like a wave with his flight through the arena. Nightwatch skims over the ring and Frost takes a swipe at him with his beefy hands, but Nightwatch easily dodges the blow and circles the ring.

King: “Damn lice infested hooligan. He should be shot and stuffed.”

Edwin: “That is no way to talk about Axis.”

Suddenly, Vanguard himself appears high above the crowd on a bungee swing with a lighter blue spotlight guiding him to the ring. He takes a spring back up as he reaches the squared circle and unlocks his harness a good six feet above the mat in order to jump to the canvas below. As he falls, Frost runs underneath and catches Vanguard by his waist. He deftly twirls the wrestler over sideways and tosses him over his head. Vanguard slides across the canvas on the fallaway slam.

Axis: “A trademark strategy of Frost’s in attacking before the bell, and this time with outstanding precision.”

King: “Why let the other sucker strut for the crowd? They’re here to wrestle, let’s wrestle already.”

Vanguard tries to pull himself up by the ropes, but Frost attacks without malice once again, this time tearing off the would-be superhero’s coat and choking him with it. Vanguard leans into the ropes gasping for air. His visible eyes above his mask are bulging out with his struggle for air. Frost twists and yanks on the fabric with malicious glee.

Axis: “I would hardly call Frost’s cheap shot tactics wrestling, but since when have you supported actual grappling.”

King: “Please, as SWF world champion I was a brilliant technical marvel…”

Edwin: “*cough…crap…cough*”

Referee Sexton Hardcastle calls for the bell and starts reprimanding Frost for his choking with a finger in the heel’s face.

DING DING DING

Hardcastle hits five on his disqualification count and Frost tosses the coat across the ring where it is scooped up and hauled off by Nightwatch to prevent any further choking with it. Vanguard takes the opportunity to roll to the floor while Frost raises a defiant fist to the crowd to draw their ire. Vanguard breathes heavily and attempts to regroup.

King: “I agree with Frost in his promo from earlier this week. There are not enough real wrestlers anymore, just guys concerned with their image and ratings.”

Edwin: “Image and ratings!” (he disappears underneath the commentator’s table and can be heard rummaging around)

Vanguard climbs back to the ring apron while holding on to the top rope. Frost greets him by tucking his head under his armpit and grabbing a hunk of the mystery man’s tights. Frost attempts to suplex Vanguard back in the ring, but he sticks his foot under the bottom rope to hook Frost’s ankle and block the move. Before Frost can re-set himself, Vanguard places both of his hands on the big man’s head and drops to the floor in ramming his throat down across the top rope. Frost flies back to the canvas and grips his aching throat. The fans cheer and Vanguard takes a few more deep breaths before returning to action.

Axis: “Vanguard turns the tide with a hotshot.”

(Edwin reappears wearing a straw hat and holding a banjo. King and Axis exchange glances behind his back and pound their fists into their hands for a game of paper, rock scissors. Axis losses with paper beating rock. He grimaces and King smiles.)

Axis: “Ok, Edwin what the hell are you doing?”

Vanguard returns to the apron and grips the top rope once again. He vaults up and over with a slingshot splash to Frost prone body and stays on top of him for a cover.

ONE

TWO

Frost tosses him off with little effort.

Edwin: “The bluegrass fad is sweeping the country and the SJL WILL be on the cutting edge of it, because (strums the banjo and warbles off key) I am a man/of constant sorrow.” (Axis rolls his eyes and King plugs his ears)

Both men back up, Frost throws a wild right hand, but Vanguard ducks and returns a shoulder block to the mid section. Frost only gives a slight ‘ooph’ of pain and wraps the bent forward Vanguard around the stomach. He flips the grappler up over his head for a gut wrench suplex, but Vanguard maneuvers out of the hold to land on his feet and runs to the near ropes. Frost turns and plants himself for a clothesline, but Vanguard comes flying in low to knock him down with a dragon screw leg whip.

Axis: “Vanguard rolls through to his feet and must continue to use quick, unorthodox moves like the dragon screw, if he wants to win here today.”

Edwin: (playing the banjo with abandon and singing in a twangy monotone) “Frost is a big, bad dude/a big, bad dude/a big, bad dude from Iceland”

Vanguard sets himself in front of Frost on the mat facing the now cheering audience. He jumps and flips over to nail Frost with a standing moonsault and covers, unable to fully hook the leg as Frost jerks it out of his hands.

ONE

TWO

Frost kicks out with force.

King: “See, a moonsault; Lou Thesz, God rest his soul, never needed a moonsault to win. Just basic, old school grappling.”

Axis: “While it was a blow to lose one of the grandmasters of wrestling earlier this week, I like to think that he appreciated the new product as much as what he used to do.”

Edwin: “Frost is loved by fat girls/his muscles make them hot/but he has to roll them in flour/so he can find the wet…/Spotted owls are loved by Vanguard.”

Vanguard runs to the near ropes and flies off with another dragon screw leg whip as Frost gains his feet. The Iceman dodge to his left and Vanguard tumbles across the mat. Vanguard carries through back to his feet, but is nailed with a spinning lariat by Frost to knock him over the near top rope and to the ring apron.

Axis: “I do give King that Frost is a quick study in the ring, hardly ever does the same move work on him twice.”

Edwin: “King is really cool/he’s no wussy/he likes to go to grade schools/to find himself some…/Pussy willows grow in the front yard.” (King gives Edwin a slanty eyed glance)

Vanguard pulls himself up by the ropes again. Frost hooks Vanguard by his head and tights, this time making sure to keep his distance to stop the move from being blocked. He lifts Vanguard up, bounces him on the top rope and then flips him over to complete the slingshot suplex.

Edwin: “Shades of Tully Blanchard…/Er, nothing rhymes with Tully Blanchard.”

King: “This is a joke, I’ve had enough!” (King slams down his headset and gets up from the table)

Frost pulls Vanguard up by the bandanna around his head and reins a clubbing forearm down into his shoulder. Vanguard cringes. Frost moves to stand back to back with him and puts Vanguard in a reverse facelock. Frost stands up straight and bends at the waist as the much shorter man is left to twist and fight in the breeze.

Axis: “Hanging body vice, known as an Icelandic Back…” (Axis’ microphone cuts out. He looks over startled at the main soundboard and sees King swinging the end of his mic cord in the air.)

Frost hops up and down in the ring to wrench on Vanguard’s neck more and more. Hardcastle asks Vanguard if he wants to submit and he does his best to shake his head ‘no.’

(Axis gets up from his seat and walks over to confront King and the two have a heated discussion.)

Edwin: “I’m all alone with my banjo/gotta’ sing the match by my lonesome…”

Vanguard pulls his legs up to press against Frost’s lowers back and he manages enough leverage to push off and over Frost. Now face to face, but still hooked in the facelock, Vanguard quickly grapevines the leg and rolls Frost down and over for a small package.

ONE

TWO

Frost rolls it over for a pin of his own

ONE

TWO

Vanguard fights out and the two men break off.

Edwin: (now merely plucking the banjo and doing a half sing song voice) “Two great near falls/These guys really cook/Frost won last week/He pinned T-Bone/When deKindes was attacked by Deathwish/And I’m getting sued/’Cause Charles Bronson owns that”

Vanguard leaps into Frost’s chest and wraps his legs around his waist. Vanguard hammers punches down into his face that drive Frost back into the corner. The fans count along with the punch count, reach a full ten.

Edwin: “And they made 19 Deathwish movies/And they all sucked/Well, maybe not the first one/Which was pretty decent/But all the others/Had his new wife die/And they killed his daughter/And it was like those Stepfather movies/But not so much”

Vanguard unwraps his legs and bends over backwards at the waist to do a handstand. He wraps his legs around Frost’s neck and ranas him over to the mat. The fans pop as Vanguard showers more and more punches down on the rapidly fading Frost with increasing violent gusto.

Edwin: “’Cause Charlie didn’t kill them/But those sucked, too/Well, maybe not the first one/And the one with Terri from Three’s Company/And you saw her boobies/And I hope Axis/Gets his mic fixed/’Cause I’m running out of filler/And I’m going to/Play this banjo/With a cobra”

(Axis and King play paper, rock scissors again. Axis wins with scissors over paper and he plugs back in his mic and the two men return to the commentator’s table. King is very dejected.)

Vanguard finally pulls himself off of Frost and stands up shaking in the ring from his own rage.

Axis: “This is a side of the usually stoic Vanguard we have not seen before. It shows just how much the big Icelander has gotten under his skin.”

Edwin: (hugging Axis) “I’m so glad you’re back. It was so cold and lonely without you.”

King: “I hope I showed both of you how worthless a wrestling show with no wrestling content is. Oh yeah, kick his ass Frost!” (Edwin puts his banjo and hat back underneath the table)

Frost crawls over to the ropes and pulls himself to his knees. Vanguard pulls himself together and rushes over to meet him. Frost rocks him with an elbow to the stomach. Vanguard staggers back. Frost grabs Vanguard by the back of his head and drives it into his knee with a sickening crunch.

Edwin: “Facebreaker by Frost. (with sarcasm dripping) Happy now, King?”

King: “Ecstatic that you even knew what to call it.”

Vanguard falls to the canvas on his face and Frost makes a short leap in the air to crash down with an elbow to the back of the man’s head. He rolls Vanguard over and covers.

ONE

TWO

Axis: “Kick out and we have a stalemate.”

King: “Replace ‘stalemate’ with ‘severe punking on Vanguard.’”

Frost pulls Vanguard up by his wrist and whips him into the ropes. Frost extends his left arm for a clothesline. Vanguard looks to duck under, but Frost steps to the side to cut Vanguard off and drills him in the chest with a heart punch.

Axis: “TOUCH OF FROST, THE SET UP FOR THE EARLY WINTER!”

Vanguard shudders back stunned and puts a hand over his heart. Frost catches Vanguard by his shoulders and shoves him between his legs. The Iceman from Iceland hooks Vanguard up underneath the elbows and readies his powerbomb finisher. Vanguard drops to the canvas. Frost picks Vanguard up and re-cinches him, but he collapses once again, useless.

Axis: “Great tactics by Vanguard to drop out of the move by becoming dead weight.”

King: “He always was dead weight. Drags the whole show down.”

Edwin: “Funny that’s what I always say about you.”

Frost grunts in frustration and pulls Vangaurd up by his bandanna and twirls him around. Vanguard tries to run for the ropes, but Frost hooks his arms around his neck and through his right armpit in locking the Cobra Clutch. Vanguard flails and struggles to reach the ropes.

Axis: “Frost’s second submission hold after the body vice. He definitely is looking for a submission win here.”

King: “It’s all part of Frost’s plans for public humiliation on him. What is more humiliating than having a man give up and admit that he’s weak?”

Edwin: “I don’t know, you’re behavior at the company Christmas party last year?”

King: “That elf was asking for it.”

In desperation, Vanguard kicks his legs up in the air and Frost stumbles around trying to regain his balance on the weight shift. Vanguard is able to get his feet on the ropes and he pushes off of them in a springboard backwards. Both men slam to the mat and the hold is broken. Hardcastle starts a double count out as both men are down.

Axis: “This match has been all agility vs. power with agility now having the upper hand after that last gasp effort by Vanguard. Nobody wants to see this match end in a double KO.”

King: “Don’t want your precious ratings to fall.”

Edwin: “Can’t get much lower after you came on.”

King: “Yeah….well…eh….I’m a former SWF champion!” (King flashes a crossed, double metal hand sign to the camera as it briefly cuts to him and sticks out his tongue)

Vanguard finally wobbles to his feet and staggers over to the near corner as Sextion stops his count at eight. Vanguard gingerly climbs up to the top rope and sits in wait.

Axis: “He’s lining up the top rope Freelancer. This should be the nail in the coffin for this match.”

King: “I thought that was Edwin’s singing. (Edwin cringes with embarrassment) I’m back baby!”

Frost quickly rolls to his right to gain his feet and slams his body against the ropes. Vanguard slips to crotch himself and falls to the canvas, flipping on his back with his feet facing the corner.

Axis: “Frost was playing opossum!”

King: “And now Vanguard is playing dead.”

Frost scrambles around to roll Vanguard’s legs up from behind. Hardcastle drops to count the pin and misses Frost putting his feet on the corner ropes for leverage.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Frost lets go and slides to the floor. Vanguard rockets to his feet and gets in the ref’s face.

Axis: “Frost steals another one from Vanguard with his illegal tactics.”

King: “Like bootlegging pandas across state lines, it’s only illegal if they catch you.” (both King and Axis stare at Edwin)

Edwin: (not meeting their stares) “I wouldn’t know anything about that.”

Frost lifts up the ring apron to pull out a steel chair and a bag of glass while Vanguard is now threatening Hardcastle with a clenched fist for his missing the feet on the ropes. Frost slides back in the ring and the crowd shouts an alarm. Vanguard turns just in time to receive the seat of the chair right to his forehead. The mystery man collapses to the mat out of it. Frost drops the chair and retrieves the bag of the glass. He holds it up for the audience to get a good luck at with a maniacal glint in his eye.

Axis: “That is the bag of glass Frost has had in recent promos. He professes that it is the shattered remains of the window Vanguard crashed through during the Mall Brawl at the Absolution pay-per-view.”

King: “At least it’s not the Chyna edition of Playboy Frost found in Edwin’s stuff and used last week.” (they stare at Edwin again)

Edwin: (not meeting their stares) “I wouldn’t know anything about that.”

Frost pries Vanguard’s unconscious mouth open and opens the bag of glass wide. He teases dumping the glass into his mouth and the fans scream in horror. A few small fragments fall to the edge of the opened sack and are poised to spill out.

Axis: “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! HE’S ACTUALLY GOING TO MAKE HIM EAT THE GLASS!”

King: “FROST SAID HE WOULD! HE’S A MAN OF RESPECT AND A MAN OF HIS WORD!”

Edwin: “LOCK UP THE A-1, HERE COMES T-BONE!!”

The crowd’s startled gasps and shrieks turn to cheers as T-Bone sprints down the aisle with a steel chair of his own in his hands. He slides underneath the bottom rope and springs to his feet. Frost drops the bag of glass and turns around. He puts his hands up as the chair comes crashing down and absorbs most of the blow with his meaty forearms. Frost sidesteps a second blow to his left and jumps through the second rope to the floor, making sure to retrieve the sack of shattered glass before leaving.

Axis: “Thank God for T-Bone, as mutual enemies make mutual friends. We haven’t seen the last of this violent triangle for sure. We’ll be back.”

Frost walks backwards up the aisle pointing his finger and yelling at T-Bone. T-Bone shouts back as he leans down to check on Vanguard who is just starting to stir in the ring from the chair shot. The camera fades to break.

May 2, 2002

The camera slowly rolls throughout the waves of JL marks. Signs like “WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIITTTTT EREK’S IN THE WF?” also “XERO!” and other signs replicating their favorite wrestlers, and then slowly moves down to the announcer table. The camera shows the serious Axis, the goofy Edwin, and the dastardly Suicide King! The two old friends and now rivals bicker as Axis tries to bring good points to each side, but they recognize the hum of the camera and they all give a fake smile. –

“Welcome back to the excellent Metal! The fallout to the Metal has been superb!” Axis outbursts and he nods to Edwin.

“Well now it’s time for what has the potential to be one of the better matches! The evil Andrew Rickmen, the poisonous Poisyn –chuckle-pitted against each other!” Edwin finishes up.

“Hardcore style too!” Axis chirps in exciting.

“Tacks, tables, maybe a baseball bat?” King adds in and looks at Edwin’s hurt face. “But we’re approaching our main event! Flesher, Z, and Deathwish, who defeated IL and Poisyn for the Euro shot, will duke it out in a double falls! World and Euro belt on the line!

Axis nods excited. But before he can even comment Funyon begins announcing.

“This match is scheduled for one fall…. It is HARDCORE rules!” Funyon blurts out to the explosion of cheers of approval.

“Introducing first… spawned from New Haven, CT he is dangerous and is poisonous… weighing in at 239 pounds and somewhere around 6’3” he is the former Matt Myers…. POISYN!”

“Crawling in the Dark” by the band Hoobastank plays as the lights go off, and purple lights flash everywhere.

“Hmmm… he likes purple…” King says clearly making fun of him.

“What are you insinuating?” Edwin asks with a smirk hoping this would be his chance to get King fired.

“That he likes purple…” King says slowly, making sure he watches his step. “So GSMS stab you with a pin yet?”

“What?” Edwin asks confused, anger rising.

“You know, the voodoo doll he has of you…” SK breaks into laughter.

Soon smoke flows out from the entrance, and Poisyn steps out. With a cut-sleeve Spitfire skate shirt, (all black) and loose black wrestling trunks he looks comfortable except for his ridiculed face. He walks down to mid ramp, but the lights go out again making him stop.

“Dig” By Mudvayne blares loudly, and the lights flicker on dimmed out. Andrew Rickmen back is too the crowd. He arches his back so he sees the ceiling. He then spits the Black Mist as it shatters everywhere. Poisyn locks in an intensified glare as IL snaps his body forward.

“His opponent, spawned from Easton, Pennsylvania… at 6’3” he weighs 195, he’s the walking stick figure…. INSANE LUCHADOR!”

“This is Insane Luchador versus Poisyn, take two, where in the first one, Poisyn had gotten lucky enough to beat Mister Luchador,” SK says, “But now under anything-goes hardcore rules, we’ll see who is the better man!”

Insane Luchador rushes down from the entrance ramp, spending little times to socialize with the fans ringside, even bare to look at them. He slides under the bottom rope, as is it revealed that he has a trash-can lid tucked under his right arm, as he takes it out and Poisyn and him come forward and meet eyes. Their eyes blaze as if there were fire in them. Funyon steps out of the ring as referee calls for the bell.

::Ding Ding Ding!::

Insane Luchador’s and Poisyn’s eyes are still locked, no words have been spoken, but still a cold glare between the two. The referee, confused at this, moves in toward them.

“Now, ‘cummon, fellas. Let’s…” He begins to say, but he’s stopped by a certain trash can…

SMACK!

“WHAT THE…” Edwin says, “…DID…HE…JUST…”

The referee goes down hard, his face cut open by the trash-can lid swung by Insane Luchdor. The crowd rises to their feet in anger, as they let down a chorus of boos on Luchador. Insane Luchador turns to Poisyn, who gives a slow and mechivious smile, as Poisyn walks past the referee, as he climbs up to the top rope, and leaps up into the air, seeming as if he was going to hit a five-star frogsplash. But, instead shifts his weight in mid and comes down in a senton bomb!

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!” Axis screams, looking at the carnage in the ring, “This…this is suppose to be a hardcore match between Insane Luchador and Poisyn! But Poisyn and Luchador are not just assulting the referee!”

Lucahdor picks up the fallen referee, his eyes glazed over from the high-flying splash, as Poisyn gets up as well. He walks over to Luchador, as they both nod, and turn to the referee and letting out a double black mist, blinding the referee!

“Why…what the hell is wrong with you two?” SK says, “Can’t you see that Poisyn and Luchador have made some kind of alliance?”

“ALLIANCE?!” Edwin and Axis scream, as Luchador jumps up to the middle rope and thrusts his fists into the air, as Poisyn does the same. The crowd begins to boo like crazy, as “Dig” by Mudvayne blasts over the PA system, and the vision of Insane Luchador and Poisyn are the last thing seen before Metal fades into a commercial.

May 2, 2002

The hum of the crowd can be pretty deafening, and barely anyone notices the gentle strains of 'Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve begin to play. It slowly grows louder and louder and it begins to get people's attention.

Suicide King's eyebrow shoots up, looking around and then at Axis and Edwin, "What the HELL is THAT? It sounds like that crappy music the phone company plays when they put you hold!"

Both Axis and Edwin look bewildered. Edwin shrugs, "I don't know what that is? I've never heard that music before! Well, I have HEARD it before.. but .. never here..." he trails off. Axis looks through all his papers, trying to figure out what is going on.

"This isn't scheduled or anything. Edwin! You are the Commissioner! Aren't you supposed to know about this stuff?!"

The music continues and with a flash of purple and white sparkling pyros, the music kicks up more and the crowd just sits there in awe and confusion. The smoke begins to clear and standing there is a striking woman. She's clad in a black tank top with a white button down shirt tied at the ends just above her belly, and a short black and purple plaid school girl skirt with a slit on the right side. Adorning her feet are black combat boots that glisten in the stage lighting. At first the crowd (and commentator's) are mystified as to who it is .... until everyone can make out the very fiery red hair that cascades from her head like a red ocean wave.

Axis gasps and Edwin squeals in glee and awe, "It's .. it's... the Femme Fatale! The Resident Riot Grrl!"

Suicide King scoffs, "Looks like Britney Spears on crack...."

Edwin continues, "... it's SYDNEY SKY!"

Axis mumbles, remembering a Daybreak from her like it was yesterday, ".. I hope she still isn't PMSing or something...."

The crowd seems to catch on at the same time and Sydney waves to the crowd, twirling around to cause her skirt to lift a little and causing a pop in the audience. Despite her heelish past .. they seem to love her! Sydney grins and brings a microphone to her dark red lips.

"I don't know about all of you... but... it's really great to be here in Pittsburgh, PA!" She yells out, gaining another (cheap! pop from the crowd. Sydney rests her hand on her hip and just strolls left and right on the stage as she talks, ".. now, I hadn't planned on coming out here tonight .. but as I am planning my comeback on the next Crimson... I thought it was a good idea to explain what's been going on with the Daybreak Queen herself..."

"Come back?" Axis says, turning to Edwin, ".. did you know about this?"

Edwin shakes his head, but grins sheepishly, "I'm just the Commissioner! I don't know anything!"

"Ain't that the truth..." Suicide King mutters, shooting a glance at the JL commissioner. Edwin shoots it back, hmphing and turning his attention back to the vivacious Sydney.

Sydney flips her hair back with her hand and grins again, ".. Sydney Sky has turned a new leaf. Sure, she a good girl in the beginning. Pretty wholesome and nice. The same she had been all her life, until that fateful day that LDP brought her to a new level of this business. And it was at this level that I saw the worst of the worst .. it changed me. Jacob Helmsley slamming into my skull with a steel pipe .. the frayed ties of XF9 .. I became bitter. And cold..."

"A cold bitch, she means .. right?" Suicide King smirks. Edwin whacks his arm.

"It's not nice to call a lady that!"

"Lady! She ain't no lady!"

Axis sighs, "Would you both quit it already?"

Suicide King and Edwin begins smacking each other more and more, and nearly turns into an all out brawl, with Axis trying to keep them apart, when a high pitched whistle screeches over the sound system. The three look up and there is Sydney Sky, sitting on their announce table, her legs crossed and showing some definite skin, "Now now .. boys .. no need to fight. The party is just getting started."

Edwin grins, Axis tries not to look nervous and Suicide King sits down with a scowl, though he definitely doesn't NOT stare at her legs.

".. But, as I was saying .... I saw the worst of the worst. I became a bad girl and I was definitely punished. But the whole thing was.. I had seen the best of the best too .. and had chosen to ignore it. Well, after disappearing for a while and taking some time out to figure out who I am, I rediscovered the Sydney that was always there and that is the Sydney you see before you today. Confident..."

Edwin murmurs, looking at the beautiful Sydney sitting on the table, "... oh yeah. Definitely confident."

"... and ready to bring back the feminine element to this league! So prepare yourselves ... the Sky is getting ready to ..." the crowd pops as she pauses for dramatic effect and stands up from the table, ".... FALL!"

Her music starts up again and she winks at the commentators as she tosses them the microphone and saunters up the ramp, disappearing backstage. The crowd continues to cheer and pop and the camera focuses back on the three confused men at the announcing table.

Edwin perks up at the camera, "Sydney Sky is back! I didn't know about it .. but that's okay! She's back and it's time for the Sky to fall.. just hope this place is ready for her!"

Axis mumbles, ".. I don't think we'll ever be ready for her..."

Both Edwin and Axis glance at Suicide King, who looks back at them and smirks, "That music sucked, eh?"

May 2, 2002

*~*Returning from less than enthusiastic commercials about car tires, the capacity crowd rises to their feet in unison and explode into cheers. As the SJL Metal theme music blares out over the speakers. As Axis, Edwin , and the Suicide King are barely heard of the enormous ovation.*~*

Axis: “Welcome back folks… this has been an exiting night so far, and it is not even close to being done!”

Edwin: “Our next match features a man that has been on a bit of a slump lately ever since his loss at the Pay Per View, and a man that has not even had a match since before the Pay per View.”

King: “Jacob’s gonna hit his stride here in this match… and when he does… no one will be safe.”

Axis: “Acoording to you that is…”

King: “Shut up Axis”

Edwin: “Ya know… he’s got a point there…”

King: “Shut up Edwin.”

*~* Zach de la Rocha's unusually creepy voice echoes in a low, ghostly volume throughout the arena, "Born as Ghosts" by Rage Against the Machine plays and a video of Flexxx's Golden Gun flashes on the SmarkTron screen. Flexxx walks onto the ramp and does the Diamond Cutter taunt... then breaks his hands apart, signaling a huge yellow stream of pyro to fly into the ramp and explode three times! From within the yellow smoke created by the explosions, Flexxx twirls around his kendo stick and calmly walks down the ring.*~*

Funyon: “Ladies and Gentlemen… the following match is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring first… he stands at six feet three inches, and weighs in at two hundred and thirty nine pounds… Hailing from Rochester, New York, he is the Flunkmasta FLEXXX!!!!”

*~*Flexxx then enters the ring walks to the center, then he mounts all four turnbuckles, raising his hands up in the air with the trademark split-finger victory sign. As Flexxx’s music begins to calm down, the crowd shows their appreciation for the Porno Master in the ring, as they fill the arena up with taunts of “Flexxx Sucks!” and other odd chants of that nature. Looking out at the crowd with a face full of anger, Flexxx brandishes his Kendo stick and grabs a mic from ringside, and begins to speak into it.*~*

Flexxx: “You people don’t even know what greatness is! You are looking at him! And I will make an example of that psycho freak Jacob Helmsley just to pro…”

*~*Cutting off the last words of Flexxx’s speech, the hard beat at the beginning of “Meaning of Life” by Disturbed starts up to a slight cheer from the crowd. Flexxx looks deeply up at the ramp, as he clutches his kendo stick in both hands, awaiting Jacob Helmsley. From the back, Jacob Helmsley appears from the back, and stands in the middle of the ramp, holding what seems to be his pipe in his right hand… but something does not seem right. The man standing in the middle of the ramp is much taller than Jacob is, and he is carrying a black wooden bat, instead of a pipe.*~*

Axis: “What the hell? Either Jacob grew six inches in the past three days… or that’s a fake…”

Edwin: “Look at that!”

*~*At the prompt of Edwin, the real Jacob Helmsley appears from the crowd next to the announcer’s table. Jacob hops over the ring barricade, and slides into the ring, while Flexxx stands at the ropes on the other side of the ring totally unaware that he is in total danger. Clutching his pipe in his hands, Jacob rushes at Flexxx, and blasts him in the back with the pipe, to a major pop from the crowd. Up at the top of the ramp, the lone man stands perfectly still while in the ring, Jacob Helmsley beats mercilessly on the Helpless Flexxx.*~*

Axis: “Jacob is showing no mercy on Flexxx!”

Edwin: ‘This is no way to start out this match!”

King: “What I want to know is who is that person standing on the entrance ramp?”

*~*Finally, Jacob lets up on the defenseless Flexxx, and throws his pipe to the outside while the referee kicks Flexxx’s Kendo stick to the outside. The referee rings the bell to start the match while Jacob begins to walk with a sense of nobility around the downed and injured Flexxx, who is noticeably bleeding from a gash in his head. Jacob merely drags Flexxx to the center of the ring, and lays arrogantly across his chest, as the referee lays down and starts to count.*~*

Axis: “This match can’t be over that fast…”

King: “Sure it is. No one can survive an onslaught from Jacob’s pipe.”

ONE!!

TWO!!

T… No! *~*Flexxx gets his arm up into the air stopping the count, as Jacob’s arrogant grin disappears from his face.*~*

Edwin: “Yes! Flexxx won’t go down to a cheap attack like that!”

*~*Wording some vulgar terms into the referee’s face, Jacob Helmsley drags the beaten Flunkmasta to his feet, and begins to punch him in the face, knocking him back into the turnbuckle. The referee warns Jacob about using a closed palm, but Jacob just ignores the warnings and punches away on Flexxx, as the mysterious man at the top of the stage just stares on in waiting.*~*

Edwin: “Jacob’s gonna get DQed if he’s not careful here…”

King: “Yeah… like he cares one bit…”

*~*After about five or six punches with a closed fist to the face, the brave referee gets into the middle of the scuffle in the corner, and backs Jacob out of the corner with his chest, yelling at him not to do that, or else he would get DQed. With this opening, Flexxx regains some of his lost momentum in the match, and drags himself up from the floor of the turnbuckle with all of the strength that he has in him. After getting into a lengthy word fight with the referee, Jacob finally agrees with him and begins to go back to the corner where Flexxx is situated. This time though, much to Jacob’s surprise, Flexxx bolts out of the corner with a severe amount of aggression in his actions, and begins to connect his open palm with the vulnerable face of Jacob Helmsley. Much to the delight of the crowd, Flexxx doesn’t let up a single moment, as Jacob reels back into the same turnbuckle that he pushed Flexxx into.*~*

Axis: “Flexxx is coming back in this match!”

King: “That stupid referee practically gave Flexxx the chance to regain himself…”

Edwin: “Well if Jacob would follow the runes in a match…”

King: “Rules are made to be broken, Edwin. I thought that even you would know his by now.”

*~*Backed up into the turnbuckle, Jacob gets driven down to the mat by repeated kicks to the chest by Flexxx, who puts so much aggression into his kicks, that it makes even a grown man cringe in pain upon each impact. Getting more relaxed from the blows he gave Jacob, Flexxx lifts Jacob to his feet in the turnbuckle, and attempts to Irish whip him into the turnbuckle on the other side of the ring. Although, instead of Jacob being whipped into the opposite corner, Jacob reverses the whip, and brings Flexxx back into his extended left arm, knocking the slightly smaller man onto his back from the impact of Jacob’s arm meeting his chest. With a loud SMACK, Flexxx’s head hits the mat first, causing him to clutch his head in pain.*~*

Axis: “Oh… that one had to sting like a bee…”

Edwin: “Boy… you said it…”

King: “Sting like a bee… that’s an interesting one…”

Axis: “Well thanks… I try.”

King: “Don’t try too hard there… you might hurt yourself…”

*~*In the ring, Jacob drags Flexxx into the center of the ring, and locks on a single leg Boston Crab much to the dismal approval from the crowd. Flexxx treis to grab for the ropes, but can’t quite reach them, as Jacob makes sure that Flexxx and him do not move a single bit. Anchoring his legs into the floor, Jacob prevents Flexxx from moving the two from the center of the ring, as he applies pressure to the lower thigh of Flexxx. Feeling the pain from the move, Flexxx continually tries to move himself into a position where he can go towards the ropes. Finally, Jacob involuntarily gives Flexxx an opening when he shifts his legs to anchor himself better. With that opening, Flexxx scurries over to the ropes, and latches on signaling the referee to break the hold Jacob has on Flexxx.*~*

Axis: “Flexxx dodged a real big situation there…”

King: “He got lucky…”

Edwin: “Lucky that Jacob made a mistake…”

*~*Jacob breaks the hold he has on Flexxx, with a look of frustration in his face, as he was looking to put the Flunkmasta away for good. Jacob gets to his feet first, as Flexxx hauls himself up in the corner with a noticeable favoring of the right leg. All of the sudden, Jacob rushes into the corner and blasts Flexxx with a Gore, driving the smaller man deep into the turnbuckle, and bouncing him back out into the open ring with an incredible amount of force. With the man in a good position, Jacob attempts to lock Flexxx into the Fear Factor, but Flexxx quickly and wisely latches onto the bottom rope with his two arms, preventing Jacob from locking in the move.*~*

Edwin: “Jacob was trying for the Fear Factor there…”

Axis: “Flexxx got out of that one as quick as he could.”

*~*as quickly as he latched onto the ropes, Flexxx slips outside, where he can catch his breath. The camera switches back up to the large man, standing perfectly still in the same spot that he has been in the whole match, while the action lays itself out in front of him. The catches a glimpse of the man’s face, which at some point, has been on JL Television before, but noone at home recognizes who it is at this point. As the camera switches back to the ring, Jacob fires a quick glance up at the mystery man, with a sort of grin on his face.*~*

Edwin: “Who in the hell IS that guy?”

Axis: “I don’t know… but I swear that I have seen him somewhere before…”

King: “Well, Jacob sure does seem to know him…”

Edwin: “You don’t think it could be…”

Axis: “Oh hell no. Not him. I would recognize him if it was.”

Edwin: “Well, if you say so…”

King: “Who? Who do you think it could be, Edwin?”

*~*Edwin whispers into the suicide King’s ear, making the man’s face turn from an inquisitive look to a look of total disbelief.*~*

King: “That dumb ape? I doubt that he would ever show his face in the SJL again…”

*~*Meanwhile, in the ring, Jacob Helmsley begins to taunt the recovering Flexxx who is on the outside of the ring catching his breath. Outside the ring, Flexxx beckons Jacob to come outside and get some of him, but Jacob just shakes his head and tells Flexxx to get into the ring himself.*~*

Edwin: “What’s this? Jacob’s a wimp!”

King: “No… Jacob’s smart. Bad things happen outside the ring, and Jacob’s not going to fall into that trap…”

*~*With a defeated look on his face, Flexxx turns his back to the referee and Jacob and drops an opject on the floor that he had concealed behind his back. Flexxx then climbs back into the ring, while the camera man catches a glimpse of what Flexxx had waiting for Jacob. A Kendo Stick.*~*

King: “See that? Jacob wasn’t going to fall into that trap! Flexxx was going to blast him with that Kendo stick there!”

Edwin: “Well, it WOULD be only fair since Jacob did beat Flexxx with his pipe…”

King: “Oh pish-posh… that was before the match… this is the match itself.”

*~*Finally inside the ring, Flexxx and Jacob hook up in the center of the ring. Flexxx gets control of Jacob, whipping him into the ropes first. Jacob bounces back and ducks the attempted clothesline by Flexxx, and locks onto his back behind him. Jacob lifts the slightly smaller man up into the air, and hits a German suplex on him. Keeping his grip strong, Jacob lifts Flexxx back up to his feet, and hits another German suplex. With the impact slightly getting to him, Jacob still lifts Flexxx back up to his feet, and hits a third German suplex. Showing an enormous amount of stamina, Jacob lifts Flexxx to his feet once again, and hits another German suplex, making that one four. For the fifth time, Jacob lifts Flexxx up to his feet, this time showing tiredness of lifting the heavier man up four times, but yet, Jacob hits the fifth German Suplex, this time holding the bridge for a pin.*~*

ONE!!

TWO!!

THRE… NO!

*~*Flexxx jumps out of the pin attempt, breaking the bridge that Jacob has. Getting an enormous reaction from the crowd, Flexxx props himself up into the corner after those fife tremendous impacts, while Jacob hauls himself up to his feet using the ropes for leverage.*~*

Axis: “Jacob is one strong man to hit Five German suplexes on Flexxx…”

Edwin: “But yet Flexxx is still getting back up to his feet in the corner…”

King: “Jacob is one of the greatest Technical Wrestlers in the JL today.”

*~*Trying to get his bearings back into place, Jacob Helmsley sits on one knee with his hand attached to the ring ropes, while in the other corner, Flexxx regains his breath in the corner, using the turnbuckle heavily for leverage. Jacob finally gets back up to his feet, and walks over to Flexxx, when all of the sudden, the Flunkmasta jumps out of the corner, and gut checks Jacob Helmsley, doubling the psycho over, and giving him a chance to make his move. Taking control of the situation, Flexxx grabs Jacob’s head, and drives it towards the floor for the Snap X Factor he uses so much. Jacob’s face bounces off of the mat as Flexxx has a look of satisfaction on his face. Flexxx rolls Jacob over onto his back, and pins him to an impressive crowd pop.*~*

ONE!!!

TWO!!!

*~*The referee notices that Jacob’s foot is on the ropes, and breaks up the pin. With a look of slight frustration on his face, Flexxx drags Jacob back up to his feet and attempts to hit Jacob with the “Golden Bullet” but wisely, Jacob gets out of the Angle Slam set-up to the move, and locks in the “Buzzkill” on Flexxx.*~*

Axis: “Jacob really dodged a bullet there! Get it?”

King: “Uuh… yeah…”

Edwin: “He he… that was great!”

Axis: “Yeah… I know…”

*~*With his free arm, Flexxx swings wildly behind him, trying to get Jacob off of his back, while up the ramp, the mysterious man still hasn’t moved a single muscle since he appeared. Jacob lets the hold go when Flexxx finally reaches the ropes, and latches on. With a look of severe frustration on jacob’s face, Flexxx drapes himself over the top rope, as the referee gets into the middle of the two men keeping Jacob from attacking Flexxx while he is on the ropes. All of the sudden, the mysterious man begins to slowly walk down the aisle to the ring, as a rush of confusion fills the entire arena. In the ring, Flexxx all of the sudden thrusts his leg up and backwards, thinking that the referee between he and Jacob is actually Jacob himself. Hitting both the referee and Jacob, the two fall to the floor clutching their genetailia, as Flexxx Turns around, realizing what he did.*~*

Axis: “Oh goodness… Flexxx just took out both the referee and jacob with the same kick….”

King: “Look at the man walking down the ramp!”

Edwin: “This cannot be good… I wonder if he is on Jacob’s side, Flexxx’s side, or just on his own here…”

King: “Well, I guess we’ll just have to find out here, huh?”

*~*Flexxx, taking advantage of the situation, rolls himself out of the ring, grabs his Kendo stick to a monstrous ovation from the crowd, and slides back in, brandishing it like a lethal weapon, as Jacob climbs to his feet. With one swift motion, Flexxx hits Jacob in the head with the Kendo stick with a sickening thud, knocking the unarmed man to the floor, set up perfectly in relation to the corner turnbuckle. Flexxx then immediately bolts up the turnbuckle, and props himself up on the top.*~*

King: “What the hell is this?! That cheating SOB!!!”

Edwin: “This is going to be a bad situation for Jacob to be in…”

*~*As predicted by Sir Edwin, Flexxx leaps as high as he can off of the turnbuckle, and thrusting the Stick down into Jacob, he completes a Swanton Bomb, nailing Jacob for all that he is worth right in the middle of the ring much to the delight of the capacity crowd, as the man that has been shrouded in mystery the entire time stops at the base of the ring.*~*

King: “No! This is not happening!”

Edwin: “Jacob is not getting up from that one…”

Axis: “That man is at ringside now…”

*~*Flexxx throws his illegal object out to the ring floor, as the referee, totally oblivious to what just went down in the ring, comes to. Flexxx falls down upon Jacob, hooking his leg for the pin.*~*

ONE!!!

TWO!!!

THREE… NO!

*~*As the referee is counting the final pin, the man that has been inactive for most of the match slides in and breaks up the pin, to a roaring boo from the crowd. The referee realizes what happened, and singals for the bell, that rings out in the arena, as in the ring, Flexxx is getting the stuffings stomped deep inside him by the gigantic man that is apparently helping Jacob.*~*

Edwin: “That mysterious man just cost Jacob the match!”

King: “Of course… but the more important thing is that he is proving to Flexxx that cheating is not an option.”

Axis: “Flexxx is in huge trouble now!”

*~*As the larger man is stomping away at Flexxx, Jacob finally reaches his feet, realizing that his gigantic decoy is beating mercilessly on his opponent. Meanwhile, Funyon is heared yelling out the final call of the referee in the match.*~*

Funyon: “Ladies and Gentlemen… as a result of Disqualification… your winner is the Flunkmasta FLEXXX!!!”

*~*Almost not even caring about the call, Jacob Helmsley begins joining his gigantic companion in stomping away at the helpless Flexxx. As the crowds are echoing out boos all around the arena, Jacob picks up the referee trying to gain control of the situation, and heaves him forcefully out of the ring and to the floor, as the big man in the ring hauls Flexxx up to his feet, and lifts him up into a Powerbomb situation. With a loud roar overtaking even that of the crowd, the Large man takes off towards the opposite turnbuckle, and thrusts the helpless man on top of his shoulders forcefully into the turnbuckle, bouncing his back against the top turnbuckle, for a Turnbuckle Powerbomb.*~*

Axis: “Oh my god! Did you hear that impact in the corner?!”

King: “Oh yeah… and damn did it feel good.”

Edwin: “What the hell are you talking about?! That was sickening!”

*~*As the broken form of Flexxx slumps helplessly into the depths of the turnbuckle, Jacob Helmsley slides outside, and grabs a chair from under the ring, as the ring bell tones out in the distance, trying hopelessly to get Jacob to stop his assault on Flexxx. Jacob slides the chair into the ring, and grabs yet another one and slides it into the ring, as the man inside sets both of them up in the middle of the ring in their sitting positions, facing each other. Jacob, supporting an enormous grin on his face, slides into the ring, and stares down the nearly unconscious form of Flexxx, still laying unmoving on the floor of the turnbuckle.*~*

Axis: “Now what are these two sick freaks going to do?”

Edwin: “This is just not right… someone has to stop this…”

King: “Well, Mister Commissioner, be my guest!”

Edwin: “What? Are you crazy? I certainly am not!”

King: “Well, then quit bitching.”

*~*Slowly, Jacob moves himself over to Flexxx’s body, and brings him up to his feet. Jacob brings Flexxx’s body over to the two chairs in the center of the ring, and sets Flexxx up in the Powerbomb position. Jacob lifts Flexxx up into the Powerbomb position, exept for the fact that Flexxx is just draping over the chest of Jacob Helmsley, almost like Jacob can’t lift Flexxx up into the normal position. Getting Flexxx’s head over the top of the two chairs, Jacob lifts Flexxx up into the air by his feet, and with incredible impact, crushes the back of his spine into the cold steel of the two chairs, that instantly collapse upon impact. Watching Flexxx’s body falling lifelessly to the floor, Jacob and his new companion both crack sadistic smiles across their sick faces, as the crowds boos echo out endlessly in the arena.*~*

Edwin: “OH GOOD GOD!!!”

Axis: “Oh god… Flexxx got folded up like an accordion in that shot…”

King: “Beautiful… ain’t it?”

Edwin: “You know King… you are one sick puppy…”

King: “Yeah… but not nearly as sick as the two men standing in the middle of the ring!”

*~*”Meaning of Life” by Disturbed blares out over the loudspeaker, as Jacob and the Mammoth beside him retire from the ring, and begin their long, hazing trip up the ramp, as in the ring, EMTs surround Flexxx’s broken body. Both Jacob and his Companion stop short at the top of the stage, and look on in a sadistic type of Glee, as they look onto Flexxx being put onto a stretcher with a neck brace on him. Jacob and the Mystery man finally turn around and walk to the back, as Commercials start to air for some odd product.*~*

May 2, 2002

As SJL Metal comes back from commercial break, the crowd inside the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh light up, cheering as loudly as their voices and lungs let them. Signs are seen in the crowd, reading obscure things like “NIC-NAC! THE POKE FREAK IS BACK!”, “King Needs a Hug!” “Panda Powers... activate!”, “I came to see Xero... in a dress!”, and “YOU S*CK!”. After viewing the signs and giving out the appropriate props and slops at home, the camera’s shot cuts from the last sign to the announcers’ table, where sitting down, complete with Mr. Fuzzums, are Edwin MacPhisto, The Suicide King, and Axis.

Axis: Welcome back to SJL Metal! I’m Axis, joined by Edwin Macphisto and The Suicide King!

King: Yeah yeah. Let’s get this over with. I’ve got things to do tonight besides hang with two losers.

Edwin: Whatchu say?

King: Don’t you start with me, peon...

Axis: Pay attention, Edwin.

Edwin: OK. *turns back around* Cue Edwin... Oh! Silly me. Next up, old timers Xero and Ash Ketchum will battle once more...in a #1 contenders match! This’ll be great!

King: Yeah... if you and that airhead Ketchum weren’t involved...

But before King has ample chance for another witty one-liner, the lights go out as a voice says “A light in the black...” Then, after a brief pause, a spotlight shines on stage, and the voice continues with “Or just the fear of the dark”. After the line is said, “Fear of the Dark” by Iron Maiden kicks in as the crowd boos loudly, Xero stepping onto the stage. The crowd boos as Xero walks across the stage and down the ramp toward the ring, spotlight following him.

Funyon: The following contest is scheduled for one-fall! Introducing first, from Port Colbourne *pause* Ontario, Canada, weighing in at 199 pounds... XER-OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The spotlight continues to follow Xero as he reaches the ring. He slides under the bottom rope, propping himself up onto the turnbuckles as he holds his arms closely to his chest.

Edwin: What a sicko and a loser...

King: Loser? I think not... more like winner...

Axis: How can you love this man?

King: Well...

Just then King is cut off as the lights go out, the sold-out Pittsburgh crowd rising to its feet.

Edwin: YES!!!! THIS IS IT!!!

Edwin grabs Axis by the shoulders and shakes him as he overreacts… like he usually does.

Axis: Almost time to go home… almost time to go home…

Just then, the beginning of U2’s "Elevation" begins to play, the part at the beginning pumping the crowd up as a waterfall of pyro flows over the SmarkTron and shoots up in front of the entrance, like Christian’s entrance. But then, as the first words begin, the pyro in front of the entrance stops, a spotlight shining onto the stage, shining off Ash, who is in a Jericho-like pose. The crowd pops like there’s no tomorrow as the see the Poke Freak. Misty is on his left side, wearing a sexy pink string bikini, her hair pulled back into it’s usual ponytail on the left side with a pink scrunchie, gold chain ankle bracelet on her left ankle, her arms on her hips smiling as Ash spins around from his Jericho pose and walks halfway down the ramp. Stopping his walking, Ash brings his right arm up straight in the air quickly and makes his signature split-finger victory sign with his right hand. At this point, five red pyro blasts shoot up from the stage in unison, right where the original pyro was. Ash and Misty release themselves from their poses and go down to ringside, Ash slapping hands with the fans and getting pumped up as a video of clips from his best IGNWF, JL, and ML matches plays on the SmarkTron.

Funyon: And his opponent: Being accompanied by Misty, from Pallet Town… weighing in at 255 pounds… he is a member of X FORCE NINE… ASH KET-CHUMMMMMMMM!!!!!

He walks up to the cage door, climbs up onto the apron, and after helping Misty in, enters the cage, removing his Jeff Jarrett-style sunglasses. Ash climbs the turnbuckle closest to the crowd and takes off his shirt, whipping it over the cage wall and into the first two or three rows of the crowd, giving a lucky fan a souvenir to take home. Ash then hops off the turnbuckle as Misty exits the cage. Well duh... she’s not in the match. A twenty-one-year-old Ash fan, a college kid from the University of Ohio, third row, catches it, and he gives Ash a big thumbs up, happy to have something of his idol’s. Ash responds back with a thumbs up of his own and a bonus wink, then turns back around as the crowd chants his name, almost deafening in amplitude …

Crowd: ASH!!! ASH!!! ASH!!! ASH!!!

Edwin: YAY!!!! ASH IS HERE!!!

King: Edwin, for my sake, shut you damn mouth.

Edwin: You're mean… no wonder why no one wants your autograph…

Ash dismounts, turning to face his adversary, and the two men stare for what appears to be forever until none other than SJL Senior Referee Matthew Kivell puts a body between the two men. Ketchum points his finger at xero, who makes a violent throat-slashing motion across his neck. Obviously, these two men have a score to settle.

Edwin: Huh? This makes no sense...

Axis: Looks like Xero never got over the fact Ash beat him in that contract tournament 1-2-3...

King:And why should he? He has every right to be pissed...

Edwin: But he lost-

King: And he deserves a rematch to prove himself!

Axis: That’s so like you, King... always side with the evil ones...

King: He’s not evil... just misunderstood...

Kivell signals to the timekeeper as the two men back up, both majorly pissed at each other. the time keeper reaches across the table, and with a tug...

DING DING DING!

King: I believe this melee is about to start...

Edwin: NO DUH... wanna cookie?

King: Ugh... no. Not from the likes of you...

The two men begin to circle each other like lions going for the kill. Trying to strike fear into the heart of Xero, impress the crowd, or just warm up, he jumps into the air and does a quick spin kick, landing back on his feet. But as it seems the two men will keep circling, they quickly step forward, thrusting their arms out and entangling in a grapple. The two men try to fight back and forth, competing for control, but Xero finally wins out, grabbing Ash around the head for a side headlock, tightening it with great pressure... but he soon realizes he’s headlocking air.turning around, he feels a graps on his arm, and a tug as Ash Ketchum attempts to whip Xero to the ropes, but Xero tugs back, sending Ash flying to the ropes instead. As Ash bounces off the ropes and flies back at Xero, Xero leaps into the air, leap-frogging over Ketchum and causing him to bounce off the ropes facing away from Xero. Xero spins around as Ash hits the ropes and slingshots back at Xero. Xero turns to face Ketchum, and grabbing onto Ash’s shoulders, Xero leaps on top of them, wrapping his legs around Ash’s neck and flipping Ash forward witha hurracanrana! Ash lands on his back, but rolls onto his feet as both men get up to face each other.

Axis: Spectacular beginning to this match!

King: A hurracanrana? Are you kidding me? That’s weak!

Edwin points to a Poke Freak sitting near the announcer’s table.

Edwin: And that’s a fan!

King: Yes, you numbskull... that’s a fan...

As Ash faces Xero, the Canadian thrusts his leg out and up, hitting Ash in the side of the head with a roundhouse kick, but he quickly leaps into the air, spinning the other way and smacking Ash on the other side of his face with his heel, spinning around into a spinning heel kick! Ash goes down, falling to one side, but he gets right back up. Xero, though, kicks Ash in the chest, causing him to bend over forward, and encircling his neck with his arm, Xero falls back, DDTing Ash hard into the mat! Ketchum’s head bounces off the mat as Xero rolls Ash onto his back and hooks the le gfor a pin-fall, this match’s first!

One...

T-Ash kicks out! Ketchum gets onto his feet, sliding behind Xero as he does and waistlocking him, lifting him up into the air for a devastating German suplex!

Axis: High-paced match here between these two! What a showdown!

However, as Ash lifts Xero up, he flips over Ash, landing behind him as Ash falls back, and grabbing Ash by the head, drops into a sit-out position, flipping Ash down into a Edge-O-Matic! Xero quickly covers Ash for another pinning attempt!

One...

Two-No dice! Ash kicks out! Xero is pissed, and he pulls Ash up, determined to end this quickly.

Axis: Xero looks a little worried-

King: SHUT UP! He’ll win!

Edwin: I dunno... Ash might pull off the sweep...

Kneeing Ash in the gut, Xero grabs Ash over the back in a wiastlock and begins to lift him up for a gutwrench suplex, but Ash counters as Xero lifts him up, forcing his legs back, wrapping them around Xero’s neck and flipping forward, flipping Xero onto his back with a might hurracanrana counter! Xero gets up a little dazed as Ash waits for him to get up, stalking him down.

Edwin: Looks like Ash is gonna set himself up for some move! Pandarific!

King: Thank you, Captain Obvious...

Grabbing Xero as he gets onto his feet, he wildly throws him toward the opposite ropes, the Canuck slamming into it hard, now facing Ash as he charges at Xero, leaping into the air as if to tackle him with a Lou Thesz Press… the Poke Ball Press!!! Xero slams into the match with Ketchum on top of him as the crowd pops like crazy, Ketchum drawing his arm back and rapidly delivering closed fists to the face of Xero!

Axis: Ketchum with a Lou Thesz Press, named after the late, great legend himself...

The fists of fury continue for almost five more seconds until Ash finally gets up off of Xero, turning his back to the Canuck. Looking upp, he lifts one finger up into the air, pounds his chest, and smiles, paying tribute to a wrestling legend. The crowd goes absolutely nuts at the sight of this, beginning an Ash chant, but suddenly, Xero slams Ash from behind, sending him flying forward. Ash bounces hard off the ropes, bouncing back toward Xero. The Canuck quickly moves for the kill, grabbing Ash around the neck and locking in a standing sleeper hold! Ash tries to break free, drawing his arm back and elbowing Xero in the ribs, once, twice, but he doesn’t let go, applying more pressure. Reaching back, he thrusts a third elbow into Xero’s ribs, causing him to loosen the hold, just enough for Ash to spin around. Facing Xero, Ash places both hands behind the Canuck’s head, and dropping into a sitting position, impacts Xero’s chin upon his head, Xero violently bouncing away as Ash releases him after the sit-down jawbreaker! Ash gets up onto his feet perfectly fine... and Xero gets up, staggering!

Edwin: This cannot be good!

King: You damn right!

As he staggers about, Ash gets up, ducking down, and Xero falls, landing on Ash’s shoulders. Ash catches him in a Samoan drop, and it looks like Mew Driver time! But wait! Just as Ash releases the legs of Xero, he spins Xero’s body 180 degrees and swings him around, instead droping into a sit-out neckbreaker! This new move drops Xero to the mat like a ton of bricks, and leaves Ash in a great position!

Axis: WHAT WAS THAT???

Edwin: I dunno... but it was cool! Looks like some form of a cutter... Mr. fuzzums agrees-

King: To hell with Fuzzums-”SLAP!”(Edwin slaps King! )

Edwin: To hell with you!

Meanwhile, Ash covers Xero, giving him a chance to win!

One...

Two...

THREE-NO! XERO KICKS OUT!!! AMAZING! Ketchum is irate, and he gets up, pulling Xero up onto his feet. Grabbing Xero’s arm, Ash whips him toward a turnbuckle, but Xero counters, whipping Ash toward it. Ketchum stops before hitting, though, turning back around.

Edwin: Uh-oh... Mr. Fuzzums is scared-

King: Shuddup.

As Ash staggers out of the turnbuckle, Xero shuffles his feet, and... “WHAM!” superkick to Ash’s face! Ketchum falls back, staggering back into a near-by turnbuckle!

Axis: What? How’d that happen?

Xero, using his expert speed, lands on top of the turnbuckle as Ash falls out of it, grabbing Ash by the head before he falls. Leaping off the top rope, he spins 180 degrees, shifting his weight to face the turnbuckle before he attempts to fall back into a Tornado DDT that would plant Ash head first into the mat and end this! However, as Xero sets Ash up, Ketchum waistlocks Xero, and letting out a yell, he somehow lifts Xero up into the air, falling back as he pulls Xero over his head and releases him! Xero flies through the air as both men slam back first into the mat and remain motionless, the ring violently shaking as the combined weight of the two men crashes into the ring!

Edwin: Painful overhead Northern Lights Suplex from Ash Ketchum!!!

King: *yawn* How dull...

Both remain down, trying to recover as they lie motionless, but the ref begins the count at one…

Edwin: Huh?

The ref counts two, but neither gets up.

Axis: Just shut up and watch the match.

It is now three, and no signs of movement from either-wait a second! Xero begins to move about! But now Ash just moved a little bit! It's not gonna end in a double count-out, or any count-out for that matter as far as these two are concerned!

King: And watch Xero come out victorious!!!

Four, five... both men rise to their feet, the crowd 95% behind Ash, cheering on the Poke Freak, who has his left shoulder clutched in his hand, as if it hurts. Xero begins to sit up finally.

Axis: Neither man whises to give in! It’s a pure struggle!

Six: Both men keep progressing, but no clear winner is in sight!

Edwin: This might be a double count-out!

Edwin and King: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Meanwhile, tired and weak, around the count of seven, Ash pushes himself up onto his feet, Ash clutching his left shoulder as Xero grabs his head and slowly staggers onto his feet, not knowing Ash has done so. Ketchum then climbs to the top rope, turning his back to Xero. As Xero turns his head up and looks toward Ash, spotting him on the ropes, Ash leaps off, twisting into a Phoenix Splash. As he flips, he positions himself so his head faces Xero, then continues the flip. When he gets near to the veteran high flyer, he grabs him by the neck and flips himself onto his back, flipping Ash’s old enemy forward into an amazing spiked DDT! As Ash releases Xero, he falls over onto his back. Exhausted and ready to end it, Ash drapes an arm over Xero as he covers him, the ref dropping to the mat to make the count…

One…

Two…

THREE!!!!

The bell rings as Ash rolls onto his back and Misty excitedly jumps up and down while her man slowly tries to get up, sweating profusely. Funyon, outside the ring, brings the mic to his lips as the crowd explodes in cheer.

Funyon: Your winner… ASH KET-CHUMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!

Edwin: HE DID IT!!! TWO WINS IN ONE NIGHT! SPECTACULAR!

As Ketchum gets to his feet, boos rain down from the crowd. Ash looks horribly confused as he tries to figure out why the fans are booing. Is it at him? And if so... why?

Axis: What the hell-

King: Here they come!

No. The fans boo as Mafia and Flexxx sprint down the ramp, steel chairs in hand. The two slide under the bottom rope and hop up onto their feet as Ash turns around. “CRACK!” A chair flies into the face of Ash Ketchum as Xero slowly hobbles to his feet. Ash falls to the mat from the chair shot, lying down, unmoving as Flexxx and Mafia begin to slam their chairs against Ash’s body to a sickening chorus. “CRACK!” “CRACK!” “CRACK-CRACK!” The chair shots fall like rain upon Ash’s body as Xero, now up, gets into the action, delivering boots to the defenseless Poke Freak’s head.

Edwin: Someone should stop them! CARDBOARD COMET TO THE RESCUE!!!

King: You idiot. That stupid cut-out won’t save your friend from these two!

“THUNK!” Edwin pulls out Cardboard Comet and slams King in the head with it, followed with a peppering of softer but similar blows. King tries to block it, screaming at Edwin.

King: STOP THIS NONSENSE!!!

Edwin stops, but he isn’t finished.

Edwin: GO, SUPERHERO! SAVE THE DAY!

“WHOOSH!” CARDBOARD COMET FLIES THROUGH THE AIR TO THE RESCUE!!! “WHAM!” The cut-out smacks Xero in the back of the head, and he drops to the mat like a ton of bricks. Though Flexxx and Mafia continue their assault, tjhe crowd marks out for the paper-thin CC!

Axis: We need a REAL person to save Ash... now!

Suddenly, if by magic, none other than Ced and Z come running down the aisle to save their fearless leader! Z slides into the ring first and begins to HULK UP!!!!!... right in between the two chair-wielding men. They both lift their chairs up... “WHAM!” Z ducks, and the two men knock each other down with the chairs as they bounce back and hit each other in the face!

Axis: What irony! The two men knock each other out!!!

King: Grrrr... YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS TIME, BUT REVENGE WILL BE OURS!!!

Edwin: Whatcha mean?

King: Never mind...

"It- It- It's Going Down!!"

Linkin Park and The X-ecutioners begin their hip hop bliss, the speakers playing "It's Going Down" as the lights begin to dance to the music and the Smarkstron begins to show the many clips of the many XF9ers, past and present. The two men help their buddy up as Ash shakes his head to make sure his brains are still in there, and then with a nod, all three men exit the ring and head up the entry ramp, the crowd clearly behind them as the others remain in the ring, victims of the superstable X FORCE NINE!!!!

Axis: What a showing by this new XF9! They will be a force to contend with!

King: As will Mafia, Flexxx, and Xero, all looking for blood!

Edwin: BUT DON’T FORGET.... CARDBOAAAAAAAAAARD COMET!

King: Riiiight.

Axis: But up next, it’s outrageous, it’s insane, it’s our three-way dance of DDOM for the SJL World Championship! Who will be crowned as the new king of SJL Hill? find out next on Metal!

The shot then fades away slowly into commercial for SJL Crimson, as tickets are available, but going fast! Quick! Go get them now! Our salaries depend on you!!!!

May 2, 2002

We fade back in on SJL Metal after a commercial for Chef Boyardee Beefaroni featuring Jacob Helmsley ("See these noodles? They look just like little pipes."). The camera pans the crowd, catching lucky fans with such signs as "Edwin Fears Coffee Mist," "Delicious deKindes" and "Flesher Can't Write Three-Ways." (On seeing that one, Edwin is heard to whisper, "What the hell does that mean?") Finally, the camera zooms in on the announce table, where Axis, Edwin and Suicide King sit in their usual spots. Edwin is scribbling furiously on his whiteboard.

Edwin: *muttering* Well, let's see, we need to assume the curve of probability is thus... and that the graph of relative ability is just like that.... figure in the cosine of the amount of adrenaline in Flesher's bloodstream, and the tangent of the coefficient of increased sugar absorbed from the maple syrup...

Axis grabs the whiteboard and spins it around to face the camera.

Axis: Edwin, that's a damn picture of a panda.

Edwin: I know. Isn't it adorable?

The camera swings over to see Suicide King's black eye.

Edwin: Nice shiner there, Kingy. Very panda-esque.

Suicide King grumbles under his breath about Grand Slam Mark Stevens.

Edwin: Not very talkative today, are we, my friend?

Axis: We all saw what happened earlier between X Force 9 and Tom Flesher. Flesher's obviously still steaming mad, and he's had to spend the better part of the past hour in the shower trying to get the last of the maple syrup out of his hair.

King: What the hell is wrong with those damn XF9ers? It's like they don't even realize that Flesher's the next SJL World Champion, that they should get on his good side now before the sucking up becomes blatant.

Edwin: Danny Williams will also be a major force in this match. Like him or lump him, he's the number-one contender for the European Championship currently held by Z. Z did put Flesher down for the count at Absolution, and you better believe Flesher's looking for revenge.

Axis: All in all, it looks to be a very hotly contested two-fall match. Remember, the first fall will determine the European Champion, and the second fall will crown the new SJL World Champion.

Pan out to view the SmarkTron. The European Championship graphic appears on it, and the three names (Z, SUPERIOR ONE, DEATHWISH) crash onto the screen below. The fans pop loudly at the graphic, but grow quiet as the arena goes dark and the heavy, grinding grooves of Dillinger Escape Plan's "Calculating Infinity" begin to play over the loudspeaker. The SmarkTron shifts to saying simply "DEATHWISH" and then morphs into a series of Danny Williams' signature moves as Williams walks through the curtain. The fans boo him, but not overwhelmingly, as he walks to the ring intensely. As he enters the ring, he shakes his head, cracks his neck and warms up.

Funyon: The first competitor in this contest... from Louisville, Kentucky, and weighing in at 235 pounds... Kicking ass is his anti-drug, I give you "Deathwish" Danny Williams!

Once again, the fans boo Williams, but begin to boo even more as the arena goes dark again, with the fanfare of "Tell All The People" blaring through the PA. Without the standard X of pyro, Tom Flesher tears through the curtain and stalks to the ring, obviously still pissed off. His hair is still wet, the result of his hourlong effort to wash out the last of the maple syrup. He's wearing a fresh Next World Champion t-shirt and jeans, along with a sticky pair of Docs. He slides into the ring and sits in the corner as Funyon announces him.

Funyon: The second challenger... from Buffalo, New York, weighing in at 213 pounds... The Superior One...

Flesher stares daggers at Funyon and clears his throat conspicuously.

Funyon: *sigh* The Next SJL World Champion... Tom Flesher!

The crowd boos overwhelmingly as Flesher stretches out in the corner. The boos turn to almost unanimous cheers as the cheery, funky beats of Faith No More's "Epic" blare bouncily out of the PA. Z walks out through the curtain and flashbulbs go off, illuminating the arena like a strobe light. Modestly (and, truth be told, somewhat cluelessly), Z shuffles to the ring staring at his boots. The fans cheer the European Champion loudly as he stumbles into the ring.

Funyon: And finally, YOUR European Champion... from Trenton, New Jersey, and weighing in at 229 pounds... The Man... The Myth... The One and Only... Z!!!

The fans go absolutely crazy as Z bangs off a quick salute, then hands his belt to Matthew Kivell. Kivell holds the belt high in the air, then hands it off to Funyon.

Funyon: The first fall will determine the SJL European Champion.

DING DING DING!!!!!

Z, Tom and Danny all meet in the center of the ring. Flesher pats Williams on the back, and Danny responds by shaking the hand off his shoulder. Flesher pats his back again, and this time Danny forcefully shoves him away. Flesher makes a big, exaggerated "losing my balance" motion and crashes directly to the mat and onto his back. Grinning up at Danny, he gives Z the finger.

Axis: What the hell is he doing?

King: He's taking the European belt away from Z, that's what! Pure genius!

Williams looks down at Flesher, takes a moment to process what's happening, and....

boots Flesher stiffly in the ribs! Flesher curls up with surprise and to protect his ribs, and Williams continues kicking him stiffly until Flesher grabs his ankle to make him stop. Williams backs off, and Flesher gets back to his feet, then shoves Williams backwards. We can hear him yell, "What are you DOING?" Williams doesn't shove back, only stares Flesher down and gives him a look that says "I can win it on my own." Infuriated by Williams' refusal to cooperate, Flesher shocks him with a hard shotei to the neck area. Williams staggers backwards and Flesher attempts another shotei, but he's stopped by a running clothesline from Z.

King: Jesus. Flesher's the only one in this match with brains or guts.

Axis: What are you talking about?

King: Well, Williams is clearly a moron for not taking the European Title while Flesher was laying there asking Danny to pin him.

Axis: I believe he wants to win the title on his own ability, King.

King: See? Clearly not championship material. A true champion like myself would have saved his energy for the World Championship fall. The European Title is nothing, and Flesher knows it.

Edwin: Flesher guarded that belt with his life for almost a month. He slept with it and kissed it when the referee took it away.

King: That was.... um.... All a sham, yeah. It was all an act.

After nailing Flesher with the lariat, Z drops back and lets Williams pick Flesher up and whip him to the ropes. As Flesher rebounds, Danny hits him with a hooking clothesline, which Flesher sells with a hard bump straight to his back. Williams covers Flesher for

ONE

but Flesher kicks out! No longer content to let Williams steal the European Title, Flesher refuses to let Williams pin him!

Edwin: Well that was stupid.

King: What was?

Edwin: Flesher's taking a beating from Danny Williams when, two minutes ago, he was willing to let him take the belt.

King: He wants to make him pay, Edwin.

Edwin: Like Grand Slam made you pay on Sunday? ZING!

King: And I'll never have to look at his ugly face again. Damn, I'm good.

Edwin: That's debatable.

Williams yanks Flesher back to his feet and starts to whip him to the ropes, but Flesher plants his feet and reverses the Irish whip. Flesher whips Williams straight into the corner, where Z is leaned over the ropes gabbing with one of his fans. Before anyone can warn him, Williams crashes into Z from behind. Williams backs out of the corner, and Z flops down ridiculously in a giant heap. Flesher catches Williams as he backs out and throws him with a German suplex for

ONE

but Williams rolls through! Slightly disoriented, but still ready, Williams gets to his feet and meets Flesher in a lockup. Meanwhile, Z is just pulling himself up to his feet in the corner. Danny Williams whips Flesher into the corner... and sends him crashing into Z from behind!

Edwin: Poor Z!

King: That's what he gets for not having good ring awareness skills. A true champion would know to defend himself.

Williams bounds into a handspring, and starts to float into the corner with a back elbowsmash. Flesher sees it coming and ducks out of the way, leaving Z to take the brunt on the back of the head.

King: Good awareness skills like my man Flesher! He's the next SJL World Champion!

Axis: Oh, is he?

King: Sure, just ask him!

Williams spins out of the corner quickly as he realizes his mistake, but it's too late. Z has already crumbled to the mat, and Flesher has him covered for

ONE

TWO

NO! Danny Williams breaks the cover!!!! He looks down furiously at Tom Flesher. Flesher gets to his feet and shoves Williams again. The two lock up, and Flesher attempts another whip to the ropes, but Williams blocks it. He holds on to Flesher's left arm and controls it, then steps around and starts to hit a series of standing armbreakers! Danny snaps Flesher's arm over his shoulder over and over as the fans chant along....

ONE!

TWO!!

THREE!!!

FOUR!!!!

FIVE!!!!!

Finally, Flesher breaks the series with a weak right palm strike to the neck, but the damage is already done. Flesher withdraws the arm and curls his body around it, trying to protect the shoulder that Williams has weakened in every match the two have had. Williams spins around and hoists Flesher into the air and then drops to one knee, executing a textbook shoulderbreaker. Flesher cries out and grabs his arm as Williams follows up the shoulderbreaker with a cross armbreaker. Flesher manages to turn into the hold, however, and nail Williams with a cheap shot to the groin, forcing him to break the hold. Once again, Flesher recoils the arm and pulls it tight against his body as Williams curls up around his groin. Finally getting back to his feet, Z staggers out of the corner and looks to see both of his foes nursing an injury. Z grabs Flesher by his sore arm and pulls him to his feet. Z hooks Flesher in a front facelock and locks his hands under Flesher's left arm, then falls back in a single-arm DDT! Flesher's shoulder gets stretched to ridiculous proportions as he cries out in pain.

Axis: No rest for the wicked, eh, Edwin?

Edwin: Well, Flesher's done nothing to make friends with either of these wrestlers.

King: Correction. He worked so hard to be Z's friend, and then Z just abandoned that friendship for the European belt.

Axis: Flesher tore up the X Force 9 shirt!

King: Listen, if you're going to be naive like that, we don't even need to talk about it.

Edwin: He was ready to murder Z if it meant winning the belt!

King: Failure to agree on reality is one of the first signs of insanity, panda-boy.

Edwin: Well Hsing-Hsing says your shiner's damn sexy.

Z grabs Flesher by the arm and once again lifts him to his feet and locks up another set of double underhooks, this time dropping Flesher onto his head with a double-arm DDT. He rolls Flesher onto his back and then climbs up to the second rope. He raises his arms into the air, and the crowd, in unison, shouts "FUDGE YOU!" Z drops off the second rope with a big elbow. Z connects, then covers Flesher for

ONE

TWO

but Flesher kicks out! He rolls away, and Z lets him grab a breather as he helps Danny Williams up to his feet.

Axis: Say, what would happen if one of these guys got disqualified?

King: Well, then Z would retain. What are you, some kind of moron?

Axis: How about during the World Championship fall?

King: Well, I...

Edwin: The one who got disqualified would be eliminated, and the other two would continue to fight.

King: Ooooh, well la de da Mr. Commissioner Knowseverything.

Edwin: Well it IS my job.

King: Yeah, you do the job all the time, you panda-loving freak.

Edwin: Your girlfriend knows all about doing the job for me.

King: What the hell was that?

Edwin: I said watch the match, you tool.

Williams gets to his feet and grabs Flesher by the hair, pulling him back up. He pulls Flesher into a forced grapple. Flesher fights back, but Williams still manages to lock up an armbreaker, which he uses to drop into a Fujiwara side armbar. Williams cinches the hold as Flesher attempts to reach the ropes. Williams cranks on the tender left arm as Flesher extends, re-extends and eventually hyperextends his leg in a valiant attempt to hook his foot over the bottom rope. Each time, Deathwish twists the arm further. Finally, as Flesher grimaces in pain, Matthew Kivell drops down and asks Flesher if he's had enough. The fans cheer loudly for Williams as he cranks the armbar....

BUT Z BREAKS THE HOLD!!!!! Just as Tom Flesher was about to give up, Z nails Danny Williams with a baseball slide! Williams looks up at Z, mad as hell, as Flesher rolls out of the ring.

Axis: Well what do you suppose Z did that for?

Edwin: Actually, Axis....

King: I'll field this one, little man. Danny Williams was about to make Flesher submit, stealing Z's European title away from him. Z is just trying to protect his waistpiece. He's obviously using the tactics put forth in Chapter 27, "Guaranteeing Your Salary," of the Guide To Being A Heel. Believe me, every bit of that chapter was useful when I was defending my SWF World Championship.

Edwin: Gee, and I was just going to say that, and Flesher can't throw a suplex with a broken arm.

King: Never mind that.

Edwin: Yeah, that's hardly relevant to Flesher's hardcore, high-flying style.

King: I said shut up!

Williams gets to his feet and stares bullets at Z, and when Z doesn't respond, shoves him backwards. Z catches himself on the ropes, and Williams comes charging at him with a hooking clothesline. Z ducks, and Williams goes tumbling over the top rope. He catches the ropes and holds on, staying on the apron behind Z. He spins around and nails Z with a back elbow smash and then slingshots himself over the top rope and lands on Z with a jumping elbowsmash. Flesher, meanwhile, nurses his sore left arm on the outside.

Williams grabs Z's left arm and starts to spin around to snap Z's arm over his shoulder, but Z counters it by tightening up a Reverse Chinlock of Extreme Horror and swinging back down to the mat. Z squeezes the reverse chinlock as hard as he possibly can, but as the camera zooms in, it captures a nervous look on his face.

Axis: Z's looking a bit apprehensive. Do you think maybe he's in over his head?

Edwin: I think Z's a little concerned about Tom Flesher. Flesher's already shown Z that he's out to screw him, and Danny Williams wants that belt.

Axis: Z's very tough, though.

Edwin: Yeah, he's tough like a fox!

Axis: That didn't make any sense.

Edwin: Zing!

King: Williams is tough, but you have to count on Flesher to come back and win. He's just too smart not to.

Edwin: Well Z's got a lot of energy. I can just see the wheels moving in his head. They're going Buzzzzz buzzz buzzzzz shhhhhhhhhht thpppppppt buzz!

King: Oh, and are the wheels powered by pandas, too?

Edwin: Of course not! Why do you feel the need to mock me constantly? They're powered by hamsters!

Z holds on as tight as he can to the reverse chinlock, but Williams grabs the wrist and rolls out behind, ending up behind Z with his arm folded into a a hammerlock. He pressures down on Z's body until Z is on his stomach, and Williams twists the hammerlock. Not realizing what's going on in the ring, Flesher reenters the ring, still holding his arm. When he sees Williams cranking the hammerlock on Z, Flesher nails him with a baseball slide to the face to break the hold. Williams releases it and rolls away, and Flesher takes the opportunity to nail Z with a double stomp to the back.

Axis: And we're seeing Flesher's standard boot-related offense here.

Edwin: Flesher loves those size 11 Doc Marten boots.

King: Of course he does! They're nice and sturdy!

Axis: They also have steel toes.

King: And just what are you trying to imply? I didn't see the toe hit Z there. Are you going to say they have lead soles now? Hm?

Axis: All I'm saying is that-

King: You're an idiot. We know.

Flesher boots Z in the ribs, and then lifts him to his feet and whips him into a corner. Flesher chases in after him and nails him with a running Yakuza kick. He lifts Z back to his feet and turns him into the tree of woe position, not noticing that Danny Williams has gotten back to his feet and is waiting in a crouched position in the opposite corner. Flesher charges in and nails Z in the face with a low dropkick, and as he gets to his feet, Danny Williams charges at him and hits him with a hooking clothesline. Stunned, Flesher doesn't defend himself as Williams cuts into him with chop

WHOO!

after chop

WHOO!

after chop

WHOO!

and finally grabs Flesher around the waist. He turns Flesher upside down.

Axis: We may see a jumping tombstone here!

King: I can't watch!

Williams jumps into the air, but as he comes down, Flesher swings his body around and locks up a triangle choke! The fans boo loudly as he cinches the scissor lock around Williams' head and arm. Despite taking the brunt of a power bomb-style drop onto his back, Flesher tightens the hold with all his strength.

King: DID YOU SEE THAT?! HA! I told you this kid's going to be famous! And Z's tied up! There's no way Williams can escape the triangle choke! He might as well tap out right now!

Axis: I wouldn't be so sure of that. Williams studies films very intently, and I'm sure he's been watching Flesher's past few matches.

King: No way. Danny's brain is far too fried for him to understand things like watching films.

Edwin: Now now, there's nothing wrong with a drink now and then. I happen to be partial to strawberry daiquiris, myself.

King: Well I've never seen you pop Vicodin and Claritin, then snort coke and wash it all down with a double-strong daiquiri. Hell, I don't even think you're man enough for a double-strong daiquiri.

Edwin: Odd, that's not what your girlfriend said.

King: What was that?

Edwin: I said your girlfriend gave me head.

King: WHAT?!

Edwin: I said watch the match, Williams is almost dead.

Flesher tightens the hold using all the strength of his legs, and Williams tries his hardest to wriggle free. He can't, though, and looks like he's about to give up. Flesher shouts, "ASK HIM!" Williams doesn't respond, so Kivell raises his left arm... it falls.

Kivell raises it a second time... it falls!

Kivell goes to raise the arm a third time, but before he can, Williams summons one last burst of energy and kicks over, taking Flesher's legs with him and stacking his hips over his shoulders in a makeshift cradle! Kivell takes a moment to figure out what's happening, and then counts

ONE

TWO

THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DING DING DING!!!!!!!!!

Funyon: Your winner of fall number one, and your NEW SJL European Champion, DEATHWISH DANNY WILLIAMS!!!!!!!!

The crowd has an even mixture of cheers and boos as Funyon announces Williams' name, and Flesher has a look of complete and utter surprise. Almost immediately, he utters an expletive and rolls off his back, still holding Williams in the triangle choke. He pulls Williams' arm tighter and starts really concentrating on choking Williams out as Matthew Kivell tries to get him to break the hold.

Axis: Flesher is stunned and disgusted at the way Williams picked up the first fall of this match! He's not going to let Williams win another fall like that!

Edwin: Well, he may just shoot himself in the foot if he doesn't let go of that triangle choke.

Kivell continues trying to slap the hold off, and finally starts giving Flesher the standard four-count.

ONE!

TWO!!

THREE!!!

FOUR!!!!

Flesher finally breaks the hold and gets to his feet, stomping around the mat waiting for the second fall to begin.

Funyon: This is the second fall, and the winner of this fall will be crowned the NEW SJL WORLD CHAMPION!!!!!!

The fans pop a bit for the announcement, but the facts that Z is struggling to untie himself from the tree of woe and Danny Williams is unconscious put a damper on their joy. Kivell walks over and helps Z out of the corner, but when Z gets to his feet, he's unable to keep his balance because he'd just hung upside down for several minutes. As soon as Z pulls himself to his feet, Kivell has no choice but to signal for the bell.

DING DING DING!!!!!!!

As soon as the bell rings, Flesher runs top speed at the woozy Z. With his right hand extended, Flesher nails Z with a running palm strike, knocking him back into the corner. Z collapses into a heap and Flesher immediately plants his foot onto Z's neck as Danny Williams starts to slowly get to his feet. Kivell comes over and admonishes Tom to stop choking Z. Flesher looks quizzically at Kivell and asks, "Is there a problem?" Kivell responds, "Stop choking your opponent!" Flesher cups his hand to his ear and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to speak up." Kivell repeats, "Stop choking your opponent!!" Flesher starts to ask Kivell another inane, irrelevant question, but he's cut short when Williams staggers over and butts into him. He knocks Flesher off of Z's neck, freeing the loveable loser. Flesher looks over at the still-staggering Deathwish and shoves him backwards. Angrily, Flesher steps in and tries to set up a gutwrench. Williams counters it, though, by dropping to the mat and pulling Flesher's left arm out to the side! Flesher yelps at the pressure being put on his arm and instantly bellies out, leaving Williams to secure a tight hammerlock. Flesher tries to stand up to relieve some of the pressure, but Williams holds him down but putting even more pressure on Flesher's tender left arm.

Axis: Danny Williams is cool, calculating and sadistic. He's trying to rip Flesher's arm out of the socket!

King: Axis, he doesn't know what the hell he's doing. He's all hepped up on goofballs!

Edwin: The drug test says otherwise. The only thing Williams is high on is the power of a championship placement. His European Title win is keeping him adrenalized, and all he's running on now is P. C. P.

Axis: Um...

Edwin: What?

Axis: Never mind.

Flesher tries once again to stand up, and this time he's too explosive for Williams to keep him down. He gets to his feet and lunges toward the ropes, but Williams steps in to cut off the angle and immediately throws Flesher backwards in a hammerlock backdrop suplex! Flesher lands hard on his back and Williams releases him. Flesher rolls away as Z walks to the center of the ring and squares off against Williams.

The two lock up, and Z whips Williams to the ropes. Williams bounces off the ropes, and the relatively fresh Z catches him with a hiptoss, throwing him to the mat.

Edwin: THE HIPTOSS OF HAUNTINGLY HELLISH DISCOMBOBULATION!

King: It's just a damn hiptoss, you damn panda wrangler.

Edwin: But look at Williams! He's hauntingly, hellishly discombobulated!

Williams gets back to his feet quickly, showing very few signs of injury.

King: Or maybe he's not hurt or disoriented at all. Guess who wins?

Edwin: Your girlfriend when I give it to her?

King: You know, you're asking for it.

Edwin: Actually, she usually offers... and it's hard to turn down someone with that much zing and pizzazz!

Williams once again locks up with Z, and this time Z goes to the ropes. Williams attempts a spinning back elbow smash, but Z ducks it. When Williams turns to face Z, he's met with an elbow strike from the alphabetically challenged antihero. Williams looks a little stunned by the hit, but still manages to make a grab at Z's left arm and spin through. Before he can go for the armbreaker, though, Z grapevines his left leg from behind. Williams releases Z's arm and bends down to try to grab Z's leg, but before he can, Z drops down and backwards and rolls Williams up with the Jack In The Box! Matthew Kivell counts

ONE

TWO

Williams struggles free! Z releases the cradle and beats Williams back to his feet. When Williams kips back up to his feet, Z is ready and waiting with a scoop slam! Williams gets back up, and before he knows what's hit him, Z rears back and nails him with a headbutt!!! Williams staggers backwards holding his head... but so does Z. He's heard to scream "HOLY CRABS AND LOBSTERS!!!!!"

King: God... why do we even bother putting him on the championship scene?

Axis: Z's one of the most talented wrestlers in the SJL right now, King.

King: What does that say about the competition?

Axis: He's also one of the only wrestlers in the SJL to hold a clean victory over Tom Flesher. Danny Williams, earlier tonight, is the other.

King: He just gets lucky!

Axis: Flesher doesn't hold a pinfall or submission victory over Z. The only match he's beaten Z in was a table match a week after their debuts.

In the ring, Z shakes his head repeatedly trying to get the cobwebs out. Suicide King mutters, "I just don't get it," as Danny Williams recovers and locks up with the discombobulated Z. He whips Z to the ropes and waits in the center for a back body drop, but as Z comes off the ropes, he sees it coming and averts the overhead toss with a swinging neckbreaker! Williams goes down to the and Z covers him for

ONE

TWO

FORCEFUL kickout by Danny Williams!

Axis: Danny Williams is far too resilient for a swinging neckbreaker to put him down for the count. He's one of the toughest in the SJL.

King: Flesher knocked him out earlier, so by extension he's that much tougher.

Edwin: Correction... he didn't knock Williams out, he choked him out after Williams pinned him. He's just a sore loser, Suicide Bride.

Williams gets back to his feet and drags Z's arm out to apply an armlock. Flesher, meanwhile, is sitting hunched in a corner watching the action and holding his arm. He winces as Williams twists around and snaps Z's arm over his shoulder three quick times. After the third armbreaker, Danny pops his shoulder under Z's bicep and throws him over his shoulder in a Judo-style arm whip. Z lands on his back and Williams swings around into a cross armbreaker! Williams grips Z's arm tightly and tries to hyperextend it. Z screams out a stream of profanities ("HOLY BOB!" "MY FRICATIVE SHOULDER!" "CHEESE AND RICE, THAT'S PAINFUL!"), but Flesher pulls himself to his feet and mounts the second rope. Before Z has a chance to submit, Flesher dives off the second rope and drops a flying headbutt onto Danny Williams, who's not expecting it in the least. Stunned by the sudden blow to the head, Williams releases the hold and grabs his head in pain. Flesher gets back to his feet and looks sadistically at Z, who lays on his back writhing around his arm.

Axis: Oh, this doesn't look good....

King: COULD IT BE THE UNTIMELY END OF Z?! I think it could!

Flesher stares down at the camouflage-clad klutz. Z looks up at him with a look of fear in his eyes. Flesher smirks sadistically, then jumps in the air and brings his Doc Martens down hard on Z's left shoulder with a vicious double stomp. Z screams and grabs his arm again, but Flesher just extends it and drops an elbow into his armpit. He grabs Z's arm and uses it to yank him back to his feet, the same way that Z and Danny had been abusing his injured arm for the whole European Title fall. Flesher extends the arm, snaps it hard, and then uses it to whip Z into a corner as Danny Williams sits in the corner. Flesher rears back and charges into the corner, ready to nail Z with the avalanche that always sets up the Boilermaker. He connects, but after, he doesn't put Z on the top rope. Oddly enough, he staggers backwards and falls on the mat, curled up and holding his groin. Z just grins knowingly before falling forward onto him.

Edwin: GALATEA SPECIAL! GALATEA GALATEA GALATEA GALATEA GALATEA!!!!!!!

King: How unethical! He should be disqualified! Flesher's poor groin! That's just...

Axis: I know, I know.... unethical treatment of the testicles...

King: Well, actually, I was going to say "conduct unbecoming of a World Championship contender," but that works too.

Z rolls Flesher onto his back and tries to cradle him but only succeeds in loosely hooking one leg because Flesher's writhing in pain around his groin. Kivell sees the loose cradle and counts

ONE

TWO

TH- NO! Flesher kicks out and rolls to his belly! As soon as he sees Flesher prone, Danny Williams returns the favor from earlier in the night and drops the steely point of his elbow down hard on the back of Flesher's neck! Flesher sprawls out and Williams mounts him from behind, threading his arm under Flesher's left arm. He reaches around and lifts Flesher's head up, throwing on a crossface, and then leans back to apply the bodyscissors... completing the Crossface Chickenwing! Flesher pumps his legs, trying as hard as he can to break the hold, but is unable to do so! he tries to elbow backwards, but Williams only increases the torsion on the body!

Axis: Flesher may be giving up the ghost here! Williams is going to walk away with two championship belts tonight! Would you believe it?

King: NOOOOO!!!! Z, save him! I made it all up! You're a great wrestler! You're tough, you're resilient, you're technically talented! You'd make a great world champion! Your mother's not a whore! Just save him!!!!!!

As if he were listening to the commentary, even though he obviouisly isn't, Z drops an elbow onto Danny Williams! Williams doesn't release the hold, so Z stays on his knees hammering Danny with elbow after elbow after elbow! Williams screams for Flesher to submit! Z screams for him to hang in there! Flesher just screams! Finally, realizing that Williams isn't going to release the hold, Z grabs Flesher's leg and yanks it as hard as he can to pull the mass of human bodies over closer to the ropes and, after a second pull, hooks Flesher's leg over the bottom rope! Kivell gives Williams a four-count, and Williams releases the hold. He gets to his feet and stares angrily at Z. He shoves Z and bellows, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Z looks at Williams... and then at the announce table... and then back at Williams... and then slides under the bottom rope and dives under the announce table!

Edwin: Well that's an.... unorthodox tactic!

King: Coward... OW!!!!!! What just bit me?!

Williams leans over the top rope screaming for Z to get back in the ring. Flesher, meanwhile, slides behind Williams and rolls him up from behind! Kivell drops down and counts

ONE

TWO

THRE- NO!!!! Williams reverses the rollup into a cross armbreaker! Williams pumps his legs, trying as hard as he can to break Flesher's arm, but Flesher spins in to face Williams and, in desperation, hits him in the groin with a hard shotei! Williams releases the hold and winces as Flesher pulls away! Seeing this, Z bounds out from under the announce table and slides into the ring! He stands by the ropes and stomps, warming up the band for a Faith No More encore! He watches to see which wrestler gets to his feet first, and it's Flesher! As Flesher gets up, Z shuffles toward him and throws the Blizzard of Oz.... but Flesher ducks! With Z off-balance, he drops down and snags his ankle, locking up an ankle lock! Before he can do any damage, though, Danny Williams comes behind him and throws a missile dropkick! Flesher ducks out of the way, and Williams extends, hitting only the air, then falling down onto Z! As quickly as he can, Flesher grabs Williams' head in a front facelock and yanks him to his feet. With Williams in DDT position, Flesher double-stomps Z's neck to keep him on the mat and pulls Williams over to the corner. In one fluid motion, Flesher climbs the ropes and dives off, swinging around and slamming Williams' head into the mat with the Spin Cycle! Williams lands hard on the top of his head, and Flesher rolls through on top of him. Matthew Kivell counts

ONE

TWO

THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!

DING DING DING!!!!!!!!!!!

Flesher rolls off of Williams as quickly as possible and ends up outside the ring, with Z and Williams both groggily getting up inside the ring. Kivell slides out with Flesher and goes to the timekeeper's table. he gets the SJL World Title belt and signals to Funyon as "Tell All The People" begins to blare over the PA, and the fans boo loudly.

Funyon: Your winner... and NEW SJL WORLD CHAMPION...

King: He was right! He told you he'd be the next SJL World Champion! He told you so!

Funyon: "THE SUPERIOR ONE," TOM FLESHER!!!!!!!

Axis: New European Champion Danny Williams! New World Champion Tom Flesher! What an end to tonight's show!

Kivell raises Flesher's left arm, and Flesher cries out in pain. He shoves Kivell away, grabs the belt and hoists it into the air with his right arm, then collapses in a heap on the concrete. He holds the belt close to his body, and as he kisses the belt....

Fade.

May 2, 2002

Fast-action comments before I get back to studying!

Ripper and Reaper suck ass.

XF9 beats Tod and TNT...in T n' T's match!

Mayhem occurs. Read the promos.

IL and Poisyn...join forces?!?! That's we get for throwing the two of them at each other so often. The midcard's about to become a living hell for the rest of you, I think...

...and Jacob Helmsley makes a triumphant return to real matches only to lose by DQ to Flexxx! Wanna see why? Read the match. Though it is Jake's match.

Ash beats Xero--two wins in one night!

Aaaaaaaaaaand...your NEW EUROPEAN CHAMPION - "Deathwish" Danny Williams! Your new WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION - "The Superior One" Tom Flesher! Two guys who fought in their debut both pick up gold.

Nice show, but: all matches but the main event were default wins. Though most of you did have valid reasons. Card will be up later tonight once I actually get back to my room, so send me PMs if you've got any requests I haven't yet heard.

Show's over folks! You can go home now!

SJL Metal - Wednesday, May 1

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