OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 1/6/05

[Patty O'Green 0]

OAOAST HeldDOWN~!

 

A new year brings us a new opening song and its La La by pop diva Ashlee Simpson! While La La plays we’re treated to the brand new opening video, prominently featuring world champion Drek Stone who I hear is a big fan of Miss Ashlee Simpson.

 

 

You make me wanna la la

in the kitchen on the floor

I'll be your french maid

When I'll meet you at the door

I'm like an alley cat

Drink the milk up I want more

You make me wanna

You make me wanna scream

 

We’re given a shot of the sold out state of the art Staples Center in Los Angeles, California! Fans are rabid with anticipation for the years first HeldDOWN~!

 

No sooner does our traditional HeldDOWN~! opening of fireworks exploding and an entrance ramp ablaze with pyro end, than the familiar strain of guitar chords that open "Getting Away With Murder" are heard.

 

CABOOSE

All right guys, this is going to be important, so I want you to shut up.

 

COACH

But we're commentators!

 

CABOOSE

Well, I am...you and Cole not so sure.

 

Amidst the sounds of the hard rock song pulsing through the speakers, and the expected fan reaction, the three men who make up the OAOAST World Tag Team Champions set foot onto the entrance stage, each one clad in a designer suit with sunglasses. Walking alongside Zack Malibu of course is Candie, who is looking equally as stunning, giving the horny toads in the audience some eye candy as she strolls down the aisle with T-Bod, the Ice Heart, and of course her beloved "Franchise".

 

COLE

The Original Elite have surely dressed for the occasion tonight. We've been hearing rumors for over a week now about what exactly is going to be said tonight, and I think we're about to find out!

 

CABOOSE

Gee, what gave it away?

 

As the three men enter the ring, Zack takes one of the World Tag Team Titles and runs up the ropes, posing with it, while across the ring Tony raises his belt over his head. Malibu then turns and tosses the belt down to Dan Black, who holds it in one hand and raises it up, tilting his head back and cackling gleefully as he and his associates gloat. As the song fades out, Malibu heads over to the ropes and requests the mic, tapping it a few times to cue the sound guy to cut the music out completely so that he can speak.

 

As expected, once the music ends, the cheers and chants pick up, distracting Zack from uttering a syllable.

 

"HOMO PROMO!" clap clap clapclapclap

 

"HOME PROMO!" clap clap clapclapclap

 

CABOOSE

I think they want you, Cole.

 

Malibu just shrugs and lowers his glasses while looking at the fans, and rolls his eyes to the camera.

 

MALIBU

Is that the best you've got? Gay jokes? You know, you people do such a great job of proving how superior I am to you I may not need to say a god damned thing tonight!

 

The fans boo, not because they want Zack to talk, but because of the insult.

 

MALIBU

However, you're not getting off that easy, because tonight...tonight is historical. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to OAOAST 2005!

 

A slight pop goes up, but not much due to the man behind the mic.

 

MALIBU

What better way to open HeldDOWN~! and the New Year, than with us. The four charter members of this company. You've got the three men with the talent, the business sense, the style, and the one lady on Earth who on her worst day could make Brittany Murhpy run home crying and put on eight more pounds of makeup to try and come close to her beauty! Tony "The Body"...Dan "The Ice Heart" Black, the lovely Candie, and myself, your savior, the Franchise, and the man who has saved this company from certain doom time and time again not for myself, oh no...for YOU! EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU! C'MON FOLKS, GIVE YOURSELVES A HAND, BECAUSE IT'S YOU THAT MOTIVATE ME!

 

The crowd boos, knowing that the insincere Malibu is jerking their chain.

 

MALIBU

Now, speaking of this company...MY...OK, OUR company, what we've come out here for tonight is a sort of precursor to the ensuing months. A "State Of Affairs" for the OAOAST. There are going to be a few subjects touched upon, so if you folks are the sensitive type and can't handle some good old fashioned honesty, then maybe you should have stayed at home and grown a thicker skin before coming out and plopping down anywhere from $15 to $150 to sit in MY ARENA!

 

Another round of boos follows, but Black, T-Bod and Candie all approve, as the smiles on their faces show.

 

MALIBU

First things first. 2004 is now behind us, and it's a year that many of us would like to forget. You people would like to forget that I grew tired of catering to your every whim like you were some needy whining infant, wouldn't you? Well guess what...REALITY! Deal with it! Reality is the name of the game on Planet Malibu, and there are several people who need a dose of it. First up, Ms. Alix Spezia, and her fellow "Chick", Krista Isadora Dunkin' Donut or whatever. You guys come and go quicker than an adolescent in a whorehouse. I'd also make the requisite "you guys are like herpes" joke, but I won't stoop down to the preteen humor that the Global Party Exchange seems to have a lock on these days. However, I do feel that you're a disease...a disease that wants to eat away at this company. It all started with Crystal...Crystal, that damned...

 

Malibu pauses, and starts seething at the very thought of the girl who became his most hated rival in history, and dethroned him last summer. The fans pick up on this, and let him have it with the one chant that typically sends him into a frenzy.

 

"YOU TAPPED OUT!"

 

"YOU TAPPED OUT!"

 

"YOU TAP-"

 

MALIBU

GET SOME GOD DAMN NEW MATERIAL IT WAS FOUR MONTHS AGO!

 

Malibu wipes off his sunglasses and goes to hurl them, only to have Dan Black catch his hand and take the glasses, which probably cost as much as some people's car payments, from the irate prep.

 

MALIBU

YOU SEE, KRISTA AND ALIX? This whole "women's right" deal, all this equality crap...you want equality? You got it! You think that COD can stand toe to toe with greatness like THIS? That because some damned Canuck bitch got lucky once...ONCE when she took me on, and never gave me a rematch that you're the second coming...the new Female Phenoms? Alix, you know all too well what I'm capable of. It's why you're old friend Northstar has to eat steak through a straw for the rest of his life. Do not cross me, and do not push me because I will push you back, I will push hard, and I will push you right out the doors of this company and onto 42nd Street where you can make a nice living amongst the rest of the cakefaced street trash!

 

The fans are not happy with Malibu's little tirade, and let him know it, but he carries on.

 

MALIBU

Now, continuing on with the tag team scene...GPX. Scotty Static and Johnny Jackson.

 

HUGE crowd pop.

 

MALIBU

Guys, I've got to tell you, honestly...I don't see what the big deal is about you two. I mean, you walk around bopping your heads to club music, put on a good show for these people who for SOME reason have been brainwashed into liking you...but you're all style, no substance. There's nothing to you. You're both two dimensional, almost like living cartoons. These two men that stand behind me, you know they have nothing to say about you that they haven't proven time and time again. But now there's this "superteam", all the heroes wanna gang up on the very core of this company, the men who set the foundation for people like you, and you guys are at the helm. Good for business, bad for you. Good for business in the sense that people will pay to see you get your hands on us, bad for you because your deaths will be in vain, since you cannot and WILL NOT wrest control of this organization from us! Give back to the company? Give back to the fans? The only thing I'm going to give you is a size 11 in the mouth, which we call School's Out around here. Slow your roll and know your roles boys, otherwise you're going to be taken out faster than one of Cruise's victims in Collateral.

 

Malibu pauses, and converses off mic with his contingent, allowing the fans to absorb what he's just said, before continuing.

 

MALIBU

Next up in '05 we have Leon Rodez. Little Leon, trying so hard...SO HARD to make a name for himself. The thing is, Leon, you're doing it at the expense of the wrong man. You want to be a name that bad, my friend? You want so hard to be able to say you climbed that ladder, all the way, from the openers to the X Division to taking out the greatest star this company has ever seen? It didn't happen for you before '04 became history, and the future doesn't look to bright for you, Silky. You're another one, along with those stupid girls and the bop-boys, oh and who can forget Josh Matthews, Mr. Superstar who thinks he's a big man because he pinned me after what, nine people ran in? YOU GUYS are supposed to be the force to be reckoned with? Please, you make Mario and the Dungeon of Doom look like my In Crowd in comparision! In fact I don't think anyone could measure up to you, because we are not only the past, but we are the present and the future of this company! YOU HEAR ME PEOPLE! THIS IS YOUR FUTURE, RIGHT HERE!

 

The crowd shouts back at Zack with catcalls and jeers, and suddenly Zack freezes in mid-ring, as if he's just had another thought.

 

MALIBU

The future...The Future...Hoff. HOFF.

 

The crowd roars at the very uttering of Malibu's former enforcer, and the man he's been accused of taking out and forcing him to vacate the World Title.

 

MALIBU

This is why this is happening, isn't it? ISN'T IT?

 

Malibu looks around to T-Bod and Dan for reassurance, although both are perplexed by his sudden demeanor change.

 

MALIBU

Candie, Candie this is why...it's him...it's haunting me...BUT YOU PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE ME! I DIDN'T TAKE HIM OUT! IF I WANTED TO I'D HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB! I...I...haha...hahahahahahahaha!

 

Malibu starts laughing hysterically, and both Black T and Candie all back away, as Malibu goes into hysterics.

 

MALIBU

You know what, it's a New Year. I'm not going to burden myself with what happened to some damned ingrate that got too big for what I gave him. You people saw what happened when that pugfaced twit Sly opened his mouth...I heard he's headlining a flea market this weekend in Indiana against Alfdogg if anyone's interested. Now Hoff, what happened to you is not my fault, you brought it on yourself. The condescending attitude, acting like you were better than me...THAN ME? You must be delusional. To think that you could call yourself the future of ANYTHING, ESPECIALLY my company, and then have the balls to go against everything The Thrillogy had become? You managed to get sympathy, you got Cal to believe you, but at what cost, Hoff? If you ever came back, do you realize what I would do to you for trying to ruin me, trying to gain the approval of these peons at MY EXPENSE!? Like I said before...good for business, bad for you. People will pay to see you back in this ring. People will love it if you came after me. Wouldn't you people?

 

A loud pop comes up from the crowd for that one.

 

MALIBU

Thought so. Thing is, Hoff, is you coming back is a big if. You, the GPX, Leon, COD, trying to fill my plate up, trying to overwhelm me? Go ahead. In fact, I welcome a good challenge, because this leads me to my final statement of the night. With Anglepalooza just around the corner I've already taken the liberty of entering the three of us in the Rumble matchup...HOWEVER, I'm offering free shots earlier in the night. I'm painting the target on my back, people. Now I want to see which one of you has the balls to step up and try to take a shot at it. 2005 will not be some revolution. Instead, it will be about retribution, for all you've done to me, and to this company that we've built into the most dominant wrestling organization around. 2005 is the year of the Elite, and if we need to physically remind you of how insignificant the lot of you are, then so be it.

 

With that, Malibu throws the mic down, as Black, T-Bod and Candie clap for him. "Getting Away With Murder" hits again, this time leading the OAOAST hieriarchy from the ring. All of a sudden, Malibu breaks away from the group and goes and picks up the mic.

 

COLE

Good lord, NOW what?

 

CABOOSE

Like you never had to sit through a twenty minute promo. At least this one is good!

 

MALIBU

You know, I almost forgot about something. You see, while my face is probably the most synonymous with the company these days, there's a guy who used to work around these parts, actually contributed, so much that the company was founded on his name. Oh yes...Anglesault!

 

MEGA POP upon bringing up the name of the veteran superstar, and Malibu's old rival in the company.

 

MALIBU

You know, that guy had a death grip on the top spot for so long...so long, and then...poof. Vanished. Convieniently after I dethroned him. Oh sure, he came back and tried to play by my rules, sucking up to the lot of you just like I had to, and then off into thin air again. The very fact that that man had a company named after him yet doesn't show you people the courtesy to ever acknowledge you or show his face in an arena...what does that tell you? You know what it tells me? It tells me that I've been right in what I've been saying...this is MY COMPANY. NOT ANGLESAULT'S. MINE! And if anyone, especially that certain someone, wants to prove me otherwise...let them try. Think about it, people. I do more for you than the namesake of this wrestling company. The big hero, nowhere to be seen. Everyone else trying to fill his shoes. Who would have thought that only a week into the year, 2005 would already be so predictable?

 

Once again, Malibu throws the mic down, and his theme song hits, this time truly leading them away from the ring, as the cameras close out on the Original Elite and cut away to commercial.

 

(Go to break)

 

(Return from break)

 

COLE

Folks, welcome back to HeldDOWN~! I’m Michael Cole, joined as always by the Coach and Caboose. We are live in Hollywood near the headquarters of the OAOAST which are located in sunny Malibu, California!

 

COACH

Being so close to that city its very fitting that we heard from the man who’s taken it as his surname, Zack Malibu!

 

COLE

Folks, let me state that Zack Malibu in no way represents anyone in the OAOAST but himself. He’s turned his back on the fans and the company that made him. It sickens me but we have a show to do and what a show it is!

 

CABOOSE

As you saw earlier, all three members of The Original Elite are out in full force and will square off against Global Party Exchange and that she-beast Krista Isadora Duncan in our main event! Plus, The Frankensteiners are in action against the Fanboys. I also had the misfortune of finding myself in the hotel lobby with Leon Rodez. Apparently he thought I wanted to talk to him and he started complaining about a whole bunch of shit so I gather he’ll mention whatever he was bitching about tonight.

 

COACH

Right now let’s take it backstage to Jackie Gayda with new Women’s champion, Holly-Wood!

 

(Jackie is in the ACTIONZONE with Holly-Wood and Logan Mann. The fans cheer the sight of Holly.)

 

JACKIE

Holly, last week you beat Alix Spezia to win the reinstated Women’s Title belt! (Jackie helps Holly hold up the diamond encrusted title).

 

COLE

Jackie, I hate to interrupt but how much is that thing worth? Its beautiful.

 

JACKIE

Isn’t it? Truly, bling-bling. The metal is 14 karat gold and these diamonds are 100 Percent natural, setting the worth of this belt at around forty five thousand dollars. (“OOOH” goes the crowd) Making it the most expensive title to ever be used in pro wrestling. Holly, how does it feel to be the new woman’s champion and hold such a literally valuable title?

 

HOLLY

Okay. I guess. I don’t really dig material objects.

 

JACKIE

Um, good. What about being here in your hometown? That must be exciting.

 

HOLLY

It’s no big deal. It’s not like I’ve never been here before. Um, can I go? I don’t really like talking very much.

 

JACKIE

Sure, if you want. Uh, back to you Michael

 

(Scene stealer, Logan Mann jumps in and snatches the microphone out of Jackie’s hand. He grabs the camera and puts the focus on his handsome mug)

 

LOGAN

Of course Holly-Wood is glad to be back in Hollywood, the city that she wasn’t named after but the city that was named after her! You’re looking at the coolest woman on the planet! The best motherfucking champion on the face of this here earth! Drek Stone, Total Elite or whatever you pussies that me and Synth are gonna beat down next week are called might as well throw in the towel right now because this is the only champion the OAOAST needs! Face facts, you bitches can never compare with Hollywood so just giveup your dumb charade right now! Holly’s taking the OAOAST into the new year and beyond! Attention women of the OAOAST and guys who enjoy dressing up like women! You know who you are. *COUGHDANBLACKCOUGH* Just like all paths to top of the entertainment industry begin and end in Hollywood, California, all paths to the top of the wrestling industry begin and end with Holly-Wood! But unlike Hollywood, no one’s going to roll out the red carpet for you when you face Holly-Wood. Instead they’ll be rolling your sorry ass into the hospital! She doesn’t have a star on the walk of fame because she IS the walk of fame and you go against her and she’ll send your ass on a walk of shame! PEACE UP!

 

(Logan and Holly leave the scene to a big round of applause)

 

JACKIE

Thank you, Logan “Usher” Mann. Michael, back to you.

 

(Back to the SC)

 

COLE

Fans we’re going to show you some footage from none other then Stephen Joseph. Roll tape.

[Patty O'Green 0]

 

Stephen Joseph

Firstly, I'd like that thank Bill Watts for sending a camera crew out here to my home. It seems that due to "medical problems" I'm being forcibly kept out of the OAOAST Arena by the manipulations of one Zack Malibu. At least, who else could it be but you Zack. After all, look what you did to Sly?

 

SJ(coughs)

 

I'll keep it short, and sweet. I'm coming back next week, and this time, no backstage manipulation can keep me out of the arena. I'm coming back, because I need to. And I'm issuing an open challenge, and I don't really give a damn if its accept or not. But the challenge goes out to two of my former running buddies... T-Bod and Dan Black. You...stupid...sons of bitches, you joined up with HIM? Zack FREAKING Malibu. Wasn't Inten5e all about getting rid of his influence? What's this, if you can't beat him, join him? How about, try and try again? What happened to that.

 

So Dan or Tony, I am calling you out for the pansies you are. I'm in this thing coming up called the Royal Rumble. I've come close to winning it ONCE, and this time, I'm going all the way. That's right, I call #1. Dan, Tony, be my warmup match, I'm begging ya.

 

Because come Anglepalooza, my backup arrives. And life's going to very unpleasant for anyone who isn't up to my challenge.

 

Move, Bitches, get out the way.

 

 

In the plush surroundings of Bill Watts' office, X-Division Champion Leon Rodez sits lounged in front of Watts with his X-Title placed over his shoulder, whistling away to himself as he waits for Watts to finish off some paperwork. Rodez's feet seem to be hovering between floor and table awkwardly as he shuffles about, trying to get comfortable. Trying in vain it seems.

 

WATTS

So...

 

Finally looking up, Watts carefully places his pen on the desk.

 

WATTS

...you wanted to see me about Anglepalooza, right?

 

RODEZ

Yeah. I want Malibu.

 

WATTS

Uhm...I'm sorry, but the mini-bar at the hotel was running a little low on that. I can offer you a scotch if you wanted.

 

RODEZ

...

 

WATTS

...

 

 

RODEZ

Zack Malibu.

 

WATTS

I know son. I was just kiddin'. Look, I spoke to those GPX kids the other day and they said you were thinking about asking for a match with Malibu. So, I took the liberty of getting my lawyers to draw up a contract...

 

Reaching into one of his drawers, Watts drops a couple of sheets of paper on the desk. Quickly Rodez, smiling at Watts, reaches for the pen and goes to sign. Only for Watts to pull the contract away sharply.

 

WATTS

You do realise that if you want Malibu, then I'm losing out on a title match.

 

RODEZ

Put the belt on the line, I don't care.

 

WATTS

(shrugs) If you're willing to put the belt on the line against Zack Malibu, then more power to ya. But...you gotta be sure.

 

RODEZ

I'm sure, okay. Jeezus, why does everybody talk about Zack like he's some sort of a...mythological figure of the OAOAST. Anyone would think he was unbeatable, the way people talk. The GPX think I'm crazy for getting into the ring with him. I spoke to Alix and all she can do is warn me about asking for a match with him. And now, here you are, acting like I'm signing a death warrant rather than a contract for a wrestling match.

 

WATTS

Speaking of which...

 

Watts flops another sheet of paper on the table, which Rodez looks at curiously.

 

RODEZ

...a waiver?

 

WATTS

Yah. It says that if you get injured by Zack, you cannot hold the company responsible.

 

RODEZ

You're kidding me, right? I'm signing up for a singles match Bill. A singles match!

 

WATTS

Yes I know, but with the frame of mind Malibu has been in recently, we gotta take precautions. Let's face it. You saw what he did at Climax. The guy's a loose cannon. And...

 

RODEZ

...what? And what?

 

WATTS

Well, I'm sure Zack still remembers your part in his loss to Josh Matthews. If he can do what he did to someone like Alix, you can imagine what he might do to you.

 

RODEZ

Nobody gives me a hope in hell, do they? (chuckles) Everyone thinks...I'm just gonna be another Zack Malibu victim, don't they. Which is EXACTLY why I want this match! Zack Malibu thinks that he's above everyone else in this company and he's managed to convince quite a few people that he's right, or so it seems. Well, come Anglepalooza...

 

Leaning towards the desk, Rodez picks up a pen...

 

 

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

 

WATTS

Yeah, just a secon...

 

But Watts needn't speak as Kevin Yancy Taylor is already halfway through the door on the second knock, flanked of course by Chris Bryte. Rodez quickly tosses the pen aside and stands up to meet Bryte, the two going toe to toe until Yancy pulls Bryte away and steps between him and Leon.

 

TAYLOR

What a coincidence...just the person we came to see you about Bill. Now that this issue with Panther has been resolved, by client has expressed the desire to get himself a match at Anglepalooza. And top of the list, is Leon Rodez.

 

WATTS

Well, I'm sorry Yance, bu...

 

TAYLOR

Well well well, what do we have here?

 

Yancy picks up the contract and waiver off of the desk and eyes them up, smiling wryly as Bryte glances over Yancy's shoulder at the papers.

 

TAYLOR

My my, don't we have the deathwise Leon?

 

Rodez sneers at Yancy.

 

TAYLOR

Well, it looks like we got here just in time. Because Bill, before you go booking any Rodez versus Zack Malibu matches, you need to be thinking about giving Chris Bryte an X-Division Title shot. Chris Bryte should be the number one contender as we speak...

 

RODEZ

Who says? You? Bryte?

 

TAYLOR

Common sense.

 

RODEZ

Bryte had his shot a few weeks ago. And, as I'm sure you'll remember, I BEAT him!

 

An angry Bryte tries to barge past Yancy as Rodez brings that one up, but Yancy does a good enough job of holding him back.

 

RODEZ

Besides, if anyone should be getting a shot at the X-Title, it's Panther. After all, he did BEAT Bryte too.

 

BRYTE

Panther ain't gettin' shit! You owe me a title shot Rodez, and...

 

 

*BAM!*

 

WATTS

Gentlemen, please.

 

The slamming of fists on wood works like a charm, grabbing the three men's attention.

 

WATTS

You know, you guys have given me one hell of an idea. And I'm sure it'll make everyone happy, when at Anglepalooza it'll be an X-Division Title Match...featuring Leon Rodez versus...Chris Bryte...

 

BRYTE

YES!

 

TAYLOR

Thank you! Finally, some intelligent use of power in this company...

 

WATTS

...versus...

 

TAYLOR

...huh?

 

WATTS

..Zack Malibu...

 

Yancy and Bryte's eyes burst open in shock.

 

WATTS

...and, seeing as you mentioned he should get a shot Leon...what the hell, we'll throw Panther in the mix too.

 

And as if they weren't shocked enough before, Yancy and Bryte suddenly go nuts. Bryte almost vaults over the desk and goes after Watts, only stopped by Yancy standing in his way.

 

BRYTE

PANTHER!?! PANTHER!?! EVERYWHERE I GO, HIS NAME FOLLOWS ME AROUND! PANTHER, PANTHER, GOD DAMN IT PANTHER!!! I WRESTLED HIM FOR THE LAST TIME LAST WEEK! THAT WAS THE DEAL!

 

WATTS

So, you're saying that you don't want an X-Division Title shot?

 

BRYTE

I...yes I want a god damn shot! But, why should I have to share the limelight with...PANTHER! AGAIN!

 

WATTS

And you're also saying that you wouldn't want to get back at Panther, again?

 

BRYTE

Well, of course I would!

 

WATTS

And you've no problems with this Leon?

 

Rodez, who up until now has stayed steely silent, looks up at Watts.

 

RODEZ

If it means I get at Malibu, then go right ahead.

 

WATTS

Then it's settled! Leon Rodez, Zack Malibu, Chris Bryte and Panther...four way dance for the X-Division Championship of the world, at Anglepalooza. And hey, Yancy...thanks for the idea.

 

Still trying to prevent Bryte from launching some sort of attack, Yancy shrugs off the quip from Watts and tries to get Bryte back out of the door. A little struggle later and Yancy manages to get Bryte out of the office, slamming the door frustratedly behind him, as Rodez watches on with a wry smile on his face.

 

WATTS

Oh and, Leon...

 

Scooping back up the contract and waiver, Watts smiles as he places all the papers into the paper shredder that just happens to be sitting next to his desk.

 

WATTS

...give'm hell kid.

 

(FADE OUT)

 

COLE

Folks, word is that we've got a commotion outside of the arena...

 

The camera switches to a shot of the parking lot. The night is quiet, the cold January air still...until the silence is shattered by the sudden noise of an engine. Suddenly, a black Ford Thunderbird screeches to a halt in front of the camera! A MASSIVE pop goes up in the crowd!

 

COLE

Who the hell is that?

 

COACH

You know who it is....

 

The engine kills and the driver's side door opens...and OUT STEPS HOFF!! The crowd goes CRAZY as they see Hoff, clad in jeans, leather jacket, and T-shirt, sporting black shades and stubble, step out of the car, looking downright FURIOUS! No sooner does Hoff slam the door, though, than a host of security guards and OAOAST suits cut him off at the pass.

 

SECURITY #1

Whoa, hold on.

 

SECURITY #2

You can't park that here...

 

Hoff grabs the second rent-a-cop, a good-sized man, and THROWS him out of the frame. The security force advances on the big man, but Hoff bellows...

 

HOFF

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!

 

The live crowd, watching on-screen, cheers as the guards look to one another hesitantly, before taking a step back. Someone in a grey suit takes the initiative, stepping up to Hoff.

 

SUIT

Now Mr. Hoff--

 

Hoff grabs the man by the lapels and SLAMS him backwards, into the side of the car. The man cowers in fear as Hoff rips the shades off of his own face.

 

HOFF

WHERE THE HELL IS MALIBU?!?

 

SUIT

I don't know!!!

 

Hoff glares at the man for a moment before letting go, allowing the poor soul to sink back against the car, clearly shaken. Hoff turns around and sweeps his gaze over the assembled force, who simultaneuously ease away, allowing Hoff a path to the door. Hoff, scowling, walks through the men into the building.

 

COLE

Ladies and gentlemen, Hoff...has...ARRIVED!!!

 

(Go to break)

Edited January 7, 2005 by Patty O'Green

[Patty O'Green 0]

(Return from break)

COLE

Folks, I'm being told there's a situation brewing in the back.

 

CABOOSE

Oh, who cares? There's only so many times I can watch Alix talk to Scotty Spastic and Johnny Jackass.

 

COLE

No, I'm being told it has something to do with Drek Stone....

 

CABOOSE

THE CHAMP! Oh, why didn't you say so? Cut away! Cut away!

 

The camera quickly cuts away to a closed, solid oak door. The crowd can instantly hear screaming going on inside the room, but they're unable to see what's actually going on. The door begins to slowly open to find Drek Stone standing before Bill Watts's desk, practically screaming at the top of his lungs.

 

DREK

HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN, WATTS?! WE HAD AN AGREEMENT!

 

Watts looks at Drek for a moment, then begins rubbing his temples slowly, soothingly, trying to keep his composure for the time being.

 

WATTS

Drek, I told you. I had nothing to do with last week. I don't know what happ....

 

DREK

OH, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED!! YOU LET SOME JEALOUS ASSHOLE BACK THERE MESS WITH MY COUNTDOWN! WE....

 

Drek stops himself for a second to take a deep breath, before actually trying to speak with a calmer voice this time around. Still, speaking through gritted teeth, it's easy to see Drek is seething over what happened to him.

 

DREK

Watts, as the Heavyweight Champion of this damned federation, we agreed that I would be able to do that countdown without interruptions. I spend my hard-earned time putting that stuff together, and you let some insignificant puttana mess with the media truck and ruin everything. YOU LET HIM RUIN EVERYTHING!!

 

WATTS

CALM DOWN, DREK! CALM DOWN! CALM....

 

The Heavyweight Champion suddenly swipes at a coffee mug on the Chairman's table, crashing it against the wall. Watts actually jumps back in surprise for a moment, but then rises up to his feet to confront Drek Stone face-to-face.

 

WATTS

MR. STONE.....I can understand your frustration over what happened last week. BUT I WILL NOT LET YOU DESTROY MY OFFICE! I told you I have no idea who messed with that countdown production and, like I told you before, I will get to the bottom of it. But I think you need to calm down. Take the night off!

 

DREK

I DON'T WANT THE NIGHT OFF! I WANT...

 

WATTS

I know! I know! You want to confront who was responsible! But there's no way I'll be able to do much tonight! Just calm down! Go back. Get some rest.

 

Drek loudly pounds his fist against Watts's desk, knocking an electric pencil sharpener to the floor.

 

DREK

......Watts, when I come back next week, I want an answer. I want to know who was responsible for that disrespect last week. And if I don't find out -- you will be hearing from my lawyers. I will bring this company to the ground! And, might I add, I can NOT be held accountable for what I do to your OAOAST Heavyweight Title. Find out who did it!

 

Without a moment's hesitation, Drek turns and stomps out of the office, slamming the door behind him.

 

DREK

YOU DAMN WELL BETTER FIND OUT!

 

The camera slowly cuts away to a commercial as Watts begins to massage his temples once again, desperately trying to rid himself of his sudden, throbbing migraine.

 

(Go to the arena)

 

Frankenstein plays over the sound system and out come the Love Doctors! Ha! Just kidding, it’s the Frankensteiners in Oklahoma State garb.

 

COLE

These guys are intense! And they’ll try to impress here in the OAOAST’s back yard! Our headquarters is just a few blocks down the road!

 

CABOOSE

Yeah sure, a few blocks down Wilshire and onto the PCH, all the way to Malibu. That’s where our headquarters are! An hour away! Idiot! Moron! Buffoon!

 

BUFFER

The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a TV time limit of eighty billion minutes..now making their way to the ring...THE FRANKENSTEINEEEEERRSSS...AND THE OPPONENTS..FROM FUNKAY TOWN....MARVIN NERDLY....MELVIN NERDLY.....THE FANBOOOOOOOYS!

 

The Fanboys are perhaps the worst attired squad in the history of pro wrestling. They’re wearing purple and gold flip flops, SpongeBob underwear briefs and silver bow ties. Melvin’s underwear is a bit too small and reveals half his ass crack.

 

ding ding ding

 

And the battle of obscure teams with confusing first names begins! The match starts with Melvin and Frankie. There is a short feeling out process as both competitors circle each other as if making the first move could prove fatal to their near dead careers.

 

“DO SOMETHING!” shouts a drunken Angelino in a Mighty Ducks jersey.

 

“I paid for this shit? I could’ve been home fucking my wife!” A stubby Mexican fellow dressed as Santa Claus loudly laments.

 

Sensing that the crowd is not in their favor, Frankie strikes first with a kick to the gut! That gets a sarcastic cheer from the customer base. Frankie grabs a wrist lock on Melvin.

 

“HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!” chant the dissatisfied fans.

 

COACH

Shit. Dudes, I left my car keys in the office. Boo can you give me a ride?

 

CABOOSE

An hour away! Man, those keys are gone for the night.

 

Frankie calmly leads Melvin over to his corner where he makes the tag with Frank! And the fans let out a Bronx cheer even though they’re on the other side of the country. Frank steps into the ring and hits Melvin with a punch! And another! And another! And another! And another! And another! And a kick! And a punch! And another! And another! And another! And a kick! And a punch! And another! And another! And another! And a kick! And a punch! Amazingly, Melvin has not a scratch or a bruise on his face despite being punched twenty times! He must be Superman!

 

COLE

Feel the intensity!

 

Oh, I feel something alright, Cole. And it feel a lot like a monster shit. Anyway, Frank pulls Melvin into a sleeper and the fans pop HUGE! Not because they’re witnessing an awesome match or because they love Frank Frankensteiner but because some chick who looks like Jennifer Aniston just flashed her tits.

 

COLE

Feel the intensity!

 

COACH

You said that already.

 

The sleeper hold is still locked in. I’ll let you know when its not. Ya know what? Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a partner. Sometimes I feel like my only friend is the city I live in. The city of angel, lonely as I am, together we cry. I drive on her streets ‘cause she’s my companion. I walk through her hills...OH! Sleeper hold is broken! Both dudes are standing and Frank has a monster erection bulging through his tights! This thing is eight inches, at least. The older Frankensteiner pushes Melvin to the ropes! Melvin comes back and hits Frank with his ass! The same ass he injects steroids into before every show! Frank stands up right into Melvin’s fist so he goes right back to the ground! Melvin heads to his corner and tags in Marvin Nerdly! And the fans scream and shout like Kobe just sunk a game winning three pointer in triple overtime, or Luc Robatille scored the Stanley Cup winning goal for the LA Kings. Or they just sit on their hands. Whichever you prefer.

 

“Fuck you! My wife’s at home fucking another man! You’ve ruined my family!” The Mexican Santa complains.

 

COLE

Marvin Nerdly..is intense!

 

COACH

Boo, I need you to give me a ride. Please!

 

CABOOSE

No! The traffic is awful. By the time we get there you could’ve bought a new car.

 

That he is, Mikey! He’s so intense and so dangerous that he comes right off the top rope with an axe handle smash and sends Frank and his monstrous schlong down to the ground! Marvin runs the ropes and comes back with a running leg drop! Have you guys seen Chyna’s sex video and her baseball bat sized clit? Good lord. Half the time I didn’t know if that was his dick or her freak show worthy vagina. Anywho, Marvin misses the leg drop! Frank rolls to his feet and ol Marvin is right there to meet him! Frank goes behind Marvie Mar and DESTROYS HIM WITH A GERMAN SUPLEX! This isn’t one of those pussy flat back Germans they take up in New York, this is the bad ass head dropping kind we do right here in the Boo! Marvin cries for his mommy or at least his MST3K video tape collection, but Frank DOES NOT KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD MERCY! So he picks up Marvin and gives him a sweetass pile driver and of course drops him on his fucking noggin! The fans, who don’t have emotional investment in the Fanboys, are loving this like it fucked them in the ass and didn’t charge extra for the reach around.

 

COLE

Frank Frankensteiner..is intense!

 

No doubt about it, Mikey. Frank makes the tag to his brother Frankie! Frankie hops into the squared circle shoots in on a totally dazed Marvin. Frankie picks him up for a gorilla press slam, then steps forward and just drops him to the mat! But wait, Marvin lands on his feet! Frank turns around to see this and gets legit pissed so he nails him with a STIFF FRANKENSTEINERLINE! That gets another non sarcastic pop because wrestling fans are blood thirsty savages who like to see the people entertaining them get hurt. Melvin runs into to save his brother but Frank cuts him (and his head) off with a STIFF FRANKENSTEINERLINE! The fans are enjoying this because those are the kind of sick and disturbing blows you normally have to pay a dude in a park bathroom sixty bucks for but they’re getting it for free and won’t have to explain to their girlfriend why they’ve got dick on their breath when they stagger home at two in the morning. I love you, Ashley! With the Fanboys dead or rapidly approaching that state, Frankie makes a cover.

 

1

 

2

 

3

 

VICTORY!

 

The audience wildly cheers but only because the Jennifer Aniston lookalike showed some ass.

 

The brothers Frankensteiner have their hands raised in triumph as the Fanboys are attended to by the medical staff.

 

COLE

This match was..

 

CABOOSE

Intense?

 

COLE

Intense? No it was underwhelming. I know we’re required to shill, but have some respect for yourself and our fans’ intelligence. Regardless, the Frankensteiner’s have showed what they’re capable of and they did right in front of the OAOAST brass and the OAOAST city. That has to mean something! I think if they can beat some quality opponents they’d see things take off!

 

COACH

I just want my car keys.

 

FRANK (to the Fanboys)

The only reason you two have jobs is because one of you has his mouth permanently attached to Bill Watts’ three inch dick while the others got his tongue lodged in his hairy ass and his hands gripped on Watts’ shriveled balls! (Turning towards Mexican Santa) As for you Ese Claus, don’t worry about your old lady, I treated her right before I came over. Put the beef in her taco. The kid may call you daddy, but that bitch is my baby’s mama. SCREAM IF YOU’RE LISTENING TO ME!

 

CABOOSE

NEXT!

 

We see a shot of Hoff backstage. The fans cheer as Hoff, looking like a walking thunderstorm, scours the halls, presumably for any sign of Zack Malibu. Hoff approaches a door on his right, and instantly turns, SLAMMING the door with a fist, throwing it open violently.

 

HOFF

ZACK!!

 

Hoff looks in the room, but it appears to be vacant. Hoff pauses, giving the room one more glance before moving on.

 

COACH

We see that the search continues...

 

CABOOSE

I really feel bad for Zack. I really do.

 

COLE

Hoff looks like a man hell-bent on revenge...oh, now wait, what's this?

 

The fans give a very big, very mixed reaction as Hoff slows down...to come face-to-face with Calvin Szechstein.

 

COLE

Oh, my...

 

COACH

This could get ugly!

 

The air is tense as Hoff stops, looking eye-to-eye with Szechstein. Neither man says a word, both sizing the other up. Finally, Calvin breaks the tension...

 

CALVIN

Yo, man...what's up?

 

Calvin smiles, and offers Hoff a hand...and Hoff accepts! The two former teammates shake hands, and Hoff even manages the thinnest of smiles.

 

HOFF

Cal. Have you seen him?

 

Calvin shakes his head, looking disappointed.

 

CALVIN

I wish I had. That son of a bitch has been hiding. I'm sure he's around here somewhere, though, him and his new best friends...

 

HOFF

I'm gonna hurt him, Cal. Bad.

 

Calvin stops and looks up at Hoff, whose jaw is set. Calvin looks down, appearing to consider his words very carefully.

 

CALVIN

Hoff...listen, I think he did it, too. But...I mean, we never actually saw who it was, and--

 

HOFF

I don't want to hear it, Cal. Zack did this to me, and he is gonna pay.

 

Calvin sighs.

 

CALVIN

You gotta do what you gotta do, buddy. But, Hoff, just consider the possibility that he's telling the truth. What if--

 

HOFF

Cal....get out of my way.

 

Calvin looks up at Hoff, wanting to say something...but holds his tongue. Nodding, Calvin takes a step back.

 

CALVIN

Go take care of business.

 

Hoff looks at Cal for a moment before nodding, and heading on down the hall.

 

(Go to break)

Edited January 7, 2005 by Patty O'Green

[Patty O'Green 0]

Standing in front of a computer-generated OAOAST logo are the World tag team champions Black T along with the Farmer of Champions, Jivin' J.R. Dan Black and T-Bod look first-class in their suits and shades, while Jivin' J.R. looks like...well, J.R; with cowboy hat and black long sleeve button shirt with a WWF Attitude-like "J.R." scratch logo on the left breast pocket. And with the Jivester, we really mean breasts.

 

BLACK

Ask and you shall receive. We've dotted the "t's" and crossed the "i's." Next week on HeldDOWN~! it'll be the greatest rock 'n' wrestling band of all time vs. the greatest tag team in the OAOAST. It's The Saints vs. Black T. Electric Melody vs. 3-B, the Black Body Bag. Rock vs. classical. Gentlemen, we plan on playing a tune next week -- "When The Saints Go Down in Defeat."

 

T-BOD

No need for games, James E. You and your boys want it hot and heavy, well, that's exactly how we're gonna do it. There isn't going to be a good guy/bad guy scenerio here. Just two teams who want to walk out of the arena next week with the World tag team titles wrapped around their waists. It's no secret both teams are faced with adversity at the moment -- your trials with The Saints and New New Midnight Express, us coming off a defeat -- but unlike The Saints, who've experienced problems with convidence in the past, Black T is rolling. We hit a speed bump at Climax, but we're right back were we belong -- on the top.

 

I don't know about you, Mr. Black, but do you get that same feeling I do when you hear The Saints say they're Roger Moore's favorite tag team?

 

BLACK

I do, Mr. T.

 

T-BOD

Not that it matters, but I pity the fool who doesn't have the endorsement of all the other Bonds, including Jivin' J.R.'s personal favorite...

 

J.R.

George Lazenby! Woo-hoo!

 

Jivin' J.R. hums the main theme from On Her Majesty's Secret Service while jivin' in and out of camera's range.

 

T-BOD

But we'd be remiss if we didn't point out the problems The Franchise is having with Alix Spezia. Sweetheart, I know it's been a good while since you've last been with a man, but Mr. Malibu's taken for by the lovely Candie. But I tell ya what, honey, if you're looking for a hot and wild night with two real men, throw away that pocket rocket and give us a call, and I promise you we'd give you a night you'd never forget. Remember what we said. Unless you'd want to get physical in the wrestling ring, but with The Original Elite running around, I wouldn't recommend it.

 

BLACK

Synth and Logan, we'll see you next week.

 

Black T hold up the 3-B hand gesture, which is the old Triple Threat/3-D signal, as the cameras pan all over the excited Hollywood crowd!

 

COLE

We're back live, and you heard it, fans -- The Saints vs. Black T for the OAOAST World tag team championship next week. I'm here with the Chairman of the Board "Cowboy" Bill Watts who has a little more information he'd like to share about next week's big tag team title match. Mr. Watts?

 

WATTS

Thank you, Michael. I believe T-Bod put it best during his interview: "There isn't going to be a good guy/bad guy scenerio" in this match. That's why I've added a stipulation to next week's tag team title match. All nonwrestling parties -- in this case, Jim Cornette, Holly-Wood and Jivin' J.R. -- will be barred from ringside. I know Jim Cornette will play his I-have-a-manager's-license-card, but he'll still be banned from ringside.

 

Michael Cole nods his head in agreement, as the fans cheer the announcement.

 

COLE

Mr. Watts, I'd like to ask you about this 'favor' The Saints talked about last week. Now that they have their title shot, they've become tight-lipped.

 

WATTS

While I'm concerned about favors being passed around, especially those which involve taking out other talent, unless there's proof there isn't anything I can do. But I have one more announcement to make. At our next pay-per-view coming up on January 30th, Anglepalooza, I will have an announcement concerning the World's tag team championship and AngleMania IV. It's something I'm very excited about, and I think the fans will be as well.

 

The headsets in Sofa Central short circuit, thus leaving Triple C being unable to announce what is going on in the segment to come.

 

“Breathe” by Fabolous flares over the loudspeakers as The Mad Cappa walks out with a cocky swagger and a baseball bat with some scribbles that the cameras can’t make out. “Cappa Sucks” chants spring up from the crowd as Cappa proceeds down to the ring pretending not to hear them! He swipes the mic from the ring announcer and proceeds to talk.

 

Cappa: “Well people, now it’s the time! Time for Bill to get his hillbilly hick redneck ass out here to DO the right thing!”

 

He drops the mic as he awaits.

 

Bill Watts storms out with a mic of his own to a loud ovation from the crowd! Watts enters the ring with an angry look on his face.

 

Watts: “CAPPA! YOU TELLING ME TO DO THE RIGHT THING! THE RIGHT THING IS FOR ME TO KICK YOUR ASS!”

 

Crowd pops heavily for his comment!

 

Watts: “But since I am a man of high stature in this company, I have to restrain for the good of the company!”

 

Boos from the crowd!

 

Watts: “Whatever problems you have with me, it’s known! Still, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO BEAT UP MY SON?! HE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS COMPANY NOR THE PROBLEMS THAT EXIST BETWEEN US!”

 

Cappa: (Interrupts) “You see, I warned you Billy boy! He is part of your family tree, that’s the problem! When I poured my heart out, (“Wussie” chants come from the crowd) (to the crowd) SHUT UP!”

 

“When I poured my heart and soul out there at ClimaXXX, you had the audacity to send out a midget Santa Claus! Not even a real OAOAST competitor! That right there showed heavy disrespect to me and then I figured out that to make you realize, I have to declare war on you!”

 

Watts: “WAR! ON ME?! LOOK HERE BOY! I’M NOT SOMEONE THAT CAN BE PUSHED AROUND LIKE THAT! JUST ASK STEPHEN JOSEPH WHENEVER HE CAN BUY A TICKET TO GET IN! I’M NO PUSHOVER!”

 

Watts pulls out a piece of paper as Cappa looks surprised!

 

“I noticed that you had signed up for the Royal Rumble for this year’s Anglepalooza. Why bother?! The winner of the rumble EARNS the right to fight for the World Heavyweight title at AngleMania IV. So why did you even bother to sign up?!”

 

“I was going to allow you to be in it, but after last week, you rotten son of a * bleep *, there was going to be NO way that I will let you get a chance to earn a World Heavyweight title shot! I’d rather see Alfdogg return and get a title shot before you!”

 

(Crowd goes “OOOOOOOOOOOOO”!)

 

“I will tear up this piece of paper to void your entry into the rumble! Also, it brings me the honor to announce that The Mad Cappa has been, indefinitely, without pay, been susp……..”

 

Cappa snaps as he smacks Watts on the gut with his baseball bat! The “Cappa Sucks” chants raise louder than ever before with some “Asshole” chants being mixed with in it! Watts cowers in pain as he gets bounced off the ropes as a whiplash of the bat attack right into a ……..

 

BUST A CAP~!

 

Triple C looks on as Cole and Coach is stunned while Caboose is like “I expected it!”

 

Cappa picks up the piece of paper and stuffs it down his pocket! Cappa has a scary focused look on his face as raises his bat for an another attack.

 

WHACK!

 

WHACK!

 

WHACK!

 

WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK!

 

Security forces run in very quickly as they tackle Cappa down to the mat and restrain him to cheers! They physically lift him up and take him to the backstage.

 

Cappa: (Yelling at the camera following him) “WATTS! I’M GOING TO THAT RUMBLE TO FUFILL MY DESTINY WETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! IT’S NOT OVER BILL! NOT BY A LONG SHOT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

 

As soon as Cappa and the security guards disappear into the back, the technicians give Triple C a new set of head sets. However, they are still in silence as the feed segues into....

Edited January 7, 2005 by Tony149

[Patty O'Green 0]

(return from break)

 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM~!

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!”

 

The fans erupt as ‘Down with the Sickness’ blares over the loud speakers, signifying the entrance of then man who retired Ragdoll two weeks ago.

 

COLE

After a week of rest, he’s back!

 

COACH

And the fans are on their feet!

 

Just after Cole makes his comment, Axel finally appears from behind the entrance curtain, HI-YAH Belt over his shoulder, walking a little gingerly, his feet still obviously bothering him from the Las Vegas Deathmatch at Climax. He looks at the crowd, and strikes the crucifix pose, which gets yet another huge ovation!

 

CABOOSE

This makes me sick, he retired a legend!

 

COACH

The fans know how hard Axel worked at Climax; they know the punishment that he took!

 

Axel walks down the ramp, talking to fans on the way down, even shaking a guy’s hand who congratulates him on his win at Climax. Moving a little slower than usual, Axel steps up to the ring, and into the squared circle.

 

BUFFER

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the HI-YAH World Champion… AAAAAAAAAAAAXXXXXEEELLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!”

 

Axel nods at Michael Buffer, who gives him the microphone. He adjusts his title belt, and looks around at the fans, who are on their feet, cheering him!

 

COLE

Amazing ovation here for Axel guys, and he seems surprised by it!

 

Axel looks around at the crowd, amazed by the reaction. He brings the microphone to his lips, but can’t speak, as the cheers just get louder, and chants of ‘AX-EL! AX-EL!’ begin!

 

CABOOSE

How can these people cheer this guy? He retired Ragdoll!

 

COLE

And Ragdoll went out gracefully. They appreciate Ragdoll’s effort, and they appreciate Axel’s effort at Climax!

 

Axel brings the microphone to his lips a second time, and this time the fans give him respect by becoming quieter.

 

AXEL

Well firstly, for the reaction that each and every one of you just gave me, I say… thank you.

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!”

 

AXEL

Back at Climax, I was in one hell of a war. I bled so bad I had to have a transfusion the day after the match. I’ve got stitches everywhere, and I’ll have reminders of the night I retired Ragdoll for the rest of my life.

 

COLE

It was the most brutal match that I have ever called.

 

AXEL

But I was told just today that next week, I’m cleared to wrestle. I’m back. People have been asking me all week: what’s next? What are you going to do now that Ragdoll is out, and you are still in? Well, I’m out here to address that very question.

 

COACH

So what’s his next goal? Where is Axel headed?

 

AXEL

So, what’s next? Well, that’s easy. You see, I’ve learnt to be greedy. I’ve got this nice HI-YAH World Championship over my shoulder, but let’s be honest; it’s not enough in this company, is it? Really? Right now, everyone is saying “That Axel, he’s a good wrestler, he can get the job done, he’s really good.” Well, I don’t just want to be “good”. Fuck no. “Good” is an upper mid-carder. “Good” is a guy that wrestles the semi Main Event every night. I want to be great. I want to be remembered as being great. I want to be the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion.

 

The crowd explodes at this statement, and Axel continues

 

AXEL

Now, I don’t just want to challenge for the title next week. Oh no, I want the world to see me ascend to greatness. So, I’ve been to the Board, and I am officially entered into January 30ths AnglePalooza Rumble match, and after I outlast everyone else, I’m going to AngleMania to challenge for the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship.

 

COLE

Wow!

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!”

 

AXEL

Now I’ve gotta go through 14 other guys to get the AngleMania, but it won’t be a problem. You just watch. Next week, it starts.

 

‘Down with the Sickness’ starts up again as Axel rolls out of the ring and leaves via the entrance ramp. He talks to a few more fans on the way, slapping a couple of hands.

 

COLE

Well Axel has made his intentions very well known tonight! He wants the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship, and he’s going to get a shot if he wins the AnlgePalooza Rumble match!

 

CABOOSE

Yeah Michael Cole, but come on, he’s got to outlast fourteen of the top stars in the OAOAST. He’s a little over-confident for my liking.

 

CAOCH

Well after seeing the punishment that he can take, as well as the punishment he can give out, he has to be a chance!

 

COLE

We’ll be back on HeldDown ladies and Gentlemen!

 

(Go to break)

 

(Backstage. The Phenom is on a bench. Stephen Joseph, the Italian Champion, sits next to him, getting a big pop.)

 

JOSEPH

Why do you look so glum, man?

 

PHENOM

That Geddon kid, he comes in here, thinks he owns the place. I've been in this company for over 2 months now, and I've never gotten a title shot. Armageddon shows up 2 weeks ago, and suddenly he's the 24/7 Champion! It's NOT fair!

 

JOSEPH

Hey, relax. I'm pretty sure if you talk to Watts, he'll make you a match with him.

 

PHENOM

That's not the point! The fact he shows up one day and gets a belt is an embarassment to me! It should be ME with that title!

 

JOSEPH

Listen, I'll talk to Watts. You stay here and...try not to destroy anything.

 

PHENOM

Alright.

 

(Stephen Joseph leaves.)

 

PHENOM

Scumbag Geddon...

 

(Matt Harms appears, recieving heat)

 

HARMS

Hello, Phenom.

 

PHENOM

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

 

HARMS

I'm just thinking about what you said. I think it was unfair of why Geddon shows up one day and thinks he's cock of the walk. I want you to beat him senseless.

 

PHENOM

I know I can, Matt.

 

(Stephen Joseph reappers)

 

JOSEPH

Well, I talked it over with the Cowboy, and he said okay...

 

PHENOM

YES!

 

JOSEPH

...on one condition.

 

PHENOM

What is it?

 

JOSEPH

You'll need to fight Los Conquistadors in a handicap match to get the shot.

 

PHENOM

No sweat. I could beat 24 Conquistadors!

 

JOSEPH

Well, good luck, Phenom.

 

PHENOM

Thanks, Steve. You too, Matt.

 

HARMS

No prob.

 

(FADE OUT)

[Patty O'Green 0]

(J.Math is backstage with Alix Spezia and Krista Isadora Duncan)

 

JOSH

Alix, Krista, we all heard what Zack had to say earlier tonight on HeldDOWN! I for one was disgusted with the comments he made about you, Alix. Why, I had half a mind to storm out to that ring and give Zack another one of my trademark, J.Math smackdowns to defend your honor! But sadly, I was held up by the aftermath of a bean burrito. But we did here that Zack is having an open call at Anglepalooza! Will you be up for fighting Zack Malibu at Anglepalooza!

 

ALIX

I'll fight Zack anywhere. I'd fight him at a county fair or when he has no hair! I'd fight him if he dressed like a bear or if he impersonated, Cher! I'd fight him on a dare or if his real name was Blair. All Zack has to do is ring my chime, and I'll stop what I'm doing on a dime, because Krista and I will fight T.O.E at anytime.

 

JOSH

But will you eat green eggs and ham?

 

ALIX

Ewww. No!

 

KRISTA

Earlier tonight, Zack compared women to a disease. At first I wanted to object, but when you take into account that it was a woman who brought that soulless scumbag into this earth and carried his worthless carcass around for nine months, you've got to figure he might have a point. But I think I've got a better comparison for Zack's relationship to women. Alix and I in particular. Josh, I'm assuming there was a woman foolish enough to give her body to you. Did her act of extreme stupidity that has probably caused her a life of regret and was chiefly responsible for her lesbianism result in any kids?

 

JOSH

Not that I know of.

 

KRISTA

Well, I have a kid. For Love Day, which falls on Christmas which we don't celebrate due to our refusal to take part in an overly commercialized holiday designed to limit kindness to one month out of year so we can be total dicks to rest of mankind for the other eleven months, I gave my daughter a jack in the box. You wind it up and a clown pops out! You shut the box, wind it up and again the clown pops out. Repeat ad nasuem. It's quite cute but my daughter despises the clown, much the same way Zack, irrationally despises women despite owing his unwelcome existence to one. So, little Maya, that's her name, who hates this thing keeps pushing this clown back into the box only to have it continually pop up again. Just the same way Zack's female troubles pop up again. And she gets madder and madder until it looks like she's going to throw it clear across the room. But she doesn't throw it, she just pushes it back in its neatly decorated box. Only now she insults it, and threatens it and belittles it and rants and raves like Michael Savage on speed and its all well and good because its in the box and it can't hurt her. But then she turns the crank once. Nothing happens. She turns the crank twice. Again nothing happens. Now she's gotten cocky, she thinks she's queen of the house and she finally put big ol jack back in his place. So she leans in close and oh how she's smiling, because she's in control, and she turns that crank a third time and WAM! The jack pops out and hits her in the face! And of course she cries, because she's lost control, she's been humliated and she's figured out she can never rid herself of the jack. And who does she come running to? Me, her mother. Zack Malibu, with tonight's tirade you and The Total Elite turned the crank for the third and final time! Well, SURPRISE! The Jills in the box are gonna pop out, smack you in the face and send you crying to mommy.

 

(Krista and Alix depart)

 

JOSH (checking out Krista's BUTT)

Back to whoever.

 

(FADE OUT)

 

They go backstage to Bill Watts’ office in which an enraged, hurt Bill Watts is yelling at his assistants! The assistants continue to try to calm him down to no avail!

 

Watts: “THAT NO GOOD PUNK! THAT * bleep * HEAD WANTS A WAR, WELL HE GOT ONE! HE WILL BE IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE AS THERE WILL BE OTHER PEOPLE IN IT THAT WILL WANT TO KICK HIS ASS!”

 

“BUT HE HAS TO GET THROUGH ME FIRST!”

 

Assistant #1: “What do you mean?”

 

Assistant #2: “But he just humiliated you out there!”

 

Watts: “NEXT WEEK ON HELDDOWN! CAPPA. ME! ONE-ON-ONE! NON SANCTIONED MATCH! HE WILL GET HIS CHANCE! BUT I WILL GET MY REVENGE FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE! NO ONE MAKES A FOOL OUT OF ME! NO ONE BEATS UP MY SON FOR PETTY REASONS! AND NO ONE, ESPECIALLY CAPPA, TAKES ME OUT WITHOUT REALIZING THAT THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES FOR THIS!”

 

“SO IF HE LOSES NEXT WEEK, HE WILL SERVE OUT THE SUSPENSION WITHOUT PAY!”

 

“NOW TURN AWAY THE CAMERAS! HOW DID THEY GET IN HERE?!”

 

The cameramen turn away as they go into a Best of 2004 OAOAST magazine issue commercial.

 

(GO TO BREAK)

[Patty O'Green 0]

(Return from break)

 

“Well, now that’s out of the way…”

 

Done with his business for the night, Axel walks down the corridor, bag slung over his shoulder, ready to leave. He suddenly stops dead, looking at someone the camera can’t yet see.

 

“Looks like we don’t have to say goodbye.”

 

The camera pans around to see none other than the Female Phenom, Crystal, standing in front of Axel. An ovation is heard in the background as soon as she is in shot, and she begins to speak straight away.

 

“Yeah, looks like we’ll be around for a bit longer.”

 

“Or, at least, we’ll be ignoring each other for a bit longer.”

 

The two former partners-turned-adversaries both look away from each other, realizing that they obviously have been avoiding each other for the better part of a year.

 

“You’re right; we have been avoiding each other Adam. But it’s not as if we had much to say to each other.”

 

“I never wanted to avoid you, I always wanted to talk to you, but with what’s gone down in the past year, I can understand why we haven’t had a conversation in the past year that hasn’t included a great deal of hostility. I know what I did to you around this time last year, and I can’t explain my behavior, or take it back. So what can I do? All I can do is say I’m sorry and let you go on with your life. Its not as if we have anything to say to each other anymore anyway!”

 

Crystal looks uneasy at this sudden outburst of honesty by Axel. She sighs, and looks back up at him, before speaking.

 

“I never wanted any of this, the anger between you and me. You sorted your tuff out with Gunner, you sorted it out with AJ, but you never sorted anything out with me. You just assumed that I hated you with an unbridled passion, which I must admit, was the case for a while. But come on, forgive and forget, we’ve had too much history to bother not talking to each other.”

 

“So you’re saying what, bury the hatchet? Act like nothing’s wrong? Act like I didn’t go completely insane and ruin any trust you may have had in me last year??

 

“No, of course not. I’m saying we can try and rebuild, but only if you want to.”

 

Axel takes a step back, and lowers his head, thinking about what to do next, what decision to make.

 

“Well of course I do. Alright then. Friends?”

 

Axel extends his hand, and Crystal looks down at it, before shaking it, to a large ovation from the crowd.

 

“What, you expect me to say ‘Yay! Let’s go for ice cream!’ now?”

 

“No, I just expect you to take a walk with me so we can have that conversation you want.”

 

“Sounds good.”

 

“Good.”

 

The two walk down the corridor, Axel with a half smile on his face, with Crystal returning the gesture. The screen slowly fades to…

 

*camera zooms in on this old run down ranch style home. It then shifts to a view inside the room. As the camera makes its way through the kitchen full of old pizza boxes and into the living room you can hear “Come’n’Knock on my Door! We’ve been waiting for youuuuu” in the background. The camera then focuses on a dirty man wearing black leather pants and a stained white button-up t-shirt. The man turns off the TV and turns to the camera.*

 

“Hey all you cool cats out in TV Land, this is the 70s Dude coming straight to you through the groovy airwaves of TV. I’ve been watching this OAOAST thing and there seems to be a lack of hip people there.”

 

*The 70s Dude stands up and gives a sexy look while his hairy stomach hangs out from under the shirt*

 

“There seems to be a lack of sex appeal. But worry about that no more! The 70s Dude is coming to an OAOAST ring near you and things will never be the same again, oh! Have Mercy!”

 

*The 70s Dude turns to his record player, turns it on, and starts disco dancing to some KC and the Sunshine Band tune as the camera fades out*

(Go to break)

[Patty O'Green 0]

(Return from break)

 

JIM ROSS

Fans, Jim Ross back here at the rocking Staples Center in Los Angeles, California with hometown girl, Alix Spezia!

 

“ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!”

 

ALIX (waving to the chanting fans)

Hello home!

 

ROSS

Fans, we have a pay per view main event quality match, Krista Isadora Duncan and that god damn Global Party Exchange takes on three of the greatest athletes this sport has ever seen, The Original Elite! Fans, this is something you'll want to set your VCR for!

 

ALIX

V-C-R? What's that?!

 

“Make her stay” drips out the speakers, signaling the arrival of the OAOAST's two most popular babyfaces, Scotty Static and Johnny Jam Jackson! The fans, mostly female, are on their feet giddily awaiting the appearance of the two men who helped to resurrect the OAOAST tag division!

 

ALIX

Say it, Jimmy. Just go ahead and say it so we can get it over with.

 

ROSS

We're in for a slobberknocker! No doubt about it! From where I sit, nobody puts on a better show then the OAOAST! And in my estimation, the Global Party Exchange is about to be put in a bad way! I've covered Stone Cold, The Rock, Triple H, Chris Jericho, Prince Albert but not a one of the...

 

ALIX

Wait! You have a prince albert?! Dude, you just gained like ten cool points in my book!

 

Johnny and Scotty don't disappoint their legions of loyal followers! They come out from behind the entrance doors with a full head of steam! Wearing vintage LA Lakers jerseys, they crisscross running paths around the stage all while whipping the audience into near delirium!

 

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen the following contest is a six person tag team match! Now making their way to the ring, they are two time tag team champions, Scotty Static, Johnny Jam Jackson....they are the GLOBAL PARTY XCHAAAANGEEE!

 

Both men rush to the ring, stripping off their jerseys in the process! They slide into the battle zone, where they resume working the crowd with their trademark energetic attitude!

 

“Make Her Say” fades out and in its places comes Anything But Me by superstarlet, Lindsay Lohan. Cheers come out from every fan in the venue, nearly shaking the building to its very foundation as hometown girl, Krista Isadora Duncan emerges from the back sporting a smile that could stretch the length of the Pacific ocean!

 

ROSS

What a story. Krista Isadora Duncan, returning from a hellish back injury to compete in her hometown!

 

ALIX

Hey! I'm from Los Angeles to, ya know! And I'm the one who came back from a back injury! All she was gone for was to promote her new exercise video, Buns with KID

 

BUFFER

And their partner, from West Hollywood, California (pop!), she is the author of No Man no Cry and the star of Buns with KID[/u], Krista Isadora Duncan.

 

Krista bows to her adoring fans before sliding into the ring to meet up with Johnny and Scotty. Awkward handshakes are exchanged between the three wrestlers. Neither seems very comfortable with the situation as the only thing GPX and Krista have in common is their friendship with Alix and their hatred for the TOE.

 

ROSS

I know you're new at this, but we broadcast journalists stay objective no matter who we're friends with....

 

Getting Away With Murder plays.

 

ROSS (having an orgasm)

BAH GAWD BUSINESS JUST PICKED UP! ITS TIME FOR AN ASS WHUPPING! T.O.E COME GET YOU SOME!!!!!~!~!~~~!~~!~!~~~!~~~!

 

Papa Roach's hard driving tune continues play as The Orginal Elite, looking as deadly serious as a heart attack stand in full force on the entrance stage. Dan “The Ice Heart” Black and T-Bod hold the tag team belts, proudly running their hands up and down the shiny plates of the strap, non verbally letting CoD and GPX now that those belts will never be around their waists. With yellow and red lights flickering across the arena, Zack Malibu stands front and center, sneering the sneer to end all sneers and cracking his knuckles with villainous thoughts polluting his psychotic mind. Malibu then snatches the tag belt out of Tony's hand, shocking T-Bod for a moment until he chuckles, knowing that Zack has just as much right to display one of the tag belts as any of them do. The world's first ever three person tag team champions nod simultaneously and march down the entrance ramp with seventeen thousand people voicing their unrestrained hostility for them!

 

ROSS

These are athletes. They aren't paper thin showman and they aren't cheesecake. These men are athletes and they don't come much better.

 

BUFFER

And the opponents, the OAOAST Tag Team Champions of the World....DAN THE ICE HEART BLACK, T-BOD, and "THE FRANCHISE" ZACK MALIBU...THE ORGINAL ELITE!

 

The dangerous trio slides into the ring at the exact time, attempting to get an early psychological edge over their enemies. But neither GPX nor Krista back down. Johnny and Dan Black jaw back and forth, occasionally looking like they might come to riotous blows. The fans stand on their feet as they watch Scotty Static stare daggers into Zack's very soul. Zack responds by putting on his “mad face” and shoots Scotty a look that could kill Superman. T-Bod for his part makes kissy faces at Krista while she responds with puking gestures.

 

ROSS

So much respect and so much history in this match. And it all comes together tonight on OAOAST HeldDOWN~! At Thanksgiving Star Wars, The Elite unseated Global Party Xchange as tag team champions and they haven't looked back since.

 

Senior OAOAST official Clem Boxerfeller steps into the heated war zone and manages to part the two squads who are bubbling over with revulsion for the other. Krista and Scotty retreat to their corners after Scotty offers words of encouragement to his friend. Zack and Dan leave the crucial first minutes in T-Bod's capable hands.

 

DING DING DING

 

Johnny gets the sold out Southern California crowd into a wild frenzy as he holds his arms above his head and clasps his hands together. On the apron, Scotty waves his hands in the air, urging the fans to make even more noise! That's a request they happily oblige and their roar, increasing in volume every second nearly blows the roof off the arena!

 

ROSS

Fans, it doesn't get any better then this! Never have I seen an arena so electrified!

 

ALIX

What about when Vince McMahon made you join his kiss my ass club?

 

T-Bod, perhaps motivated by jealously over never winning the crowd over the way Johnny just did, throws a left hook at his arch rival! Jackson gets his forearm up and blocks the punch! He waves his index finger in T-Bod's face as if to say “You've gotta do a bit better then that.” Of course, T-Bod takes this as the ultimate insult and grows even angrier! Fuming with frustration, T-Bod takes a wild swipe at Jackson's head! Putting to use his amazing quickness, Johnny ducks underneath Mr T's arm, winds up behinds him and puts to work a technique perfected by sixth graders across the country...pantsing the self proclaimed ladies man!

 

ROSS

Damn his soul! Damn his soul straight to hell!

 

With his brilliantly airbrushed tights around his ankles, T-Bod's jaw drops to the floor as he gasps in complete and utter horror! His face once a shade of handsome tan becomes flushed with bright red at this unwarranted embarrassment. The crowd hoots and hollers at the humiliation of one of wrestling's most hated villains!

 

ALIX

That's the same thong he wore the last time his pants were pulled down on national TV! Does he not change his underwear?

 

The arena still abuzz with laughter and disgust, fail to notice that Johnny is pulling one third of the tag team champions down with a backslide!

 

1

 

 

2

 

 

The Iceheart Dan Black, breaks up the pin by giving Johnny a hard kick to the shoulder blades! Back hurting and pride doing the same, Johnny stands right up and gets into Black's face. The two bitter adversaries exchange a plethora of vulgarities as chants of “KICK HIS ASS” pour out from every corner of the arena!

 

ROLLUP BY T-Bod, who's tights are thankfully covering his formerly bare ass.

 

1

 

 

2

 

 

KICK OUT!

 

ROSS

I thought he had it! I thought he had it!

 

Now on their feet, the two superstars have a very short punch exchange. Being bigger and stronger, T-Bod threatens to work over Jackson like a punching bag, so Johnny slips behind him and gets the greasy wrestler into a waistlock! The teen idol tries to lift the cagey vet up for a German suplex but T-Bod uses his wrestling knowledge to stick his foot between Jackson's leg, preventing the former tag team champ from hitting that suplex. Somewhat stubborn and also kind of stupid, Jackson keeps plugging at T-Bod, hoping to suplex him. Eventually Mister T gets sick of looking like he's being dry humped so he shoots an elbow out and hits Jackson in the side of the face! The waist lock is broken, and Jackson stumbles backwards clutching his now bleeding face! T-Bod sees blood and his animal like instincts take over. He grabs hold of Jackson's waist and then hits him hard with a side walk slam driving Johnny's back right into the mat!

 

ROSS

Good gawd! Did you see the impact, little girl?! That's why he's a tag team champion! That's why he's the greatest athlete I've ever seen!

 

ALIX

JR even you can do a side walk slam and you haven't seen your toes since Regan's first term!

 

T-Bod hooks a dazed Jackson's leg for a pinfall.

 

1

 

 

2

 

 

KICK OUT!

 

ROSS

Jackson kicking out, but not turning over onto his side, which would've been best in this situation. But staying on your back makes you more vulnerable. When a wrestler kicks out of the lateral press, they want to turn their body over onto their stomach.

 

ALIX

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

 

Jackson teammates breathe a sigh of relief with the kickout. T-Bod doesn't exactly share in there joy and he brings Jackson to his feet, but not before driving an elbow into the youngster's skull. Jackson groans in pain, but has more important things to worry about then a headache as he's being Irish Whipped into the T.O.E corner! Jackson's back slams into the corner turnbuckle hard and a few teenage girls in the front row begin to cry at the sight of their object of worship taking such a brutal pounding! The man simply known as “Jam” slumps over as if the life was totally drained out of him. With his opponent in another version of la-la land, T-Bod makes the tag to his Black T partner, Dan Black!

 

ROSS

The Ice heart, Dan Black! Did you know there are five years of his life that are unaccounted for?

 

ALIX

Have you tried looking for them on Google?

 

Black steps into the ring where the OAOAST faithful greets him with startling amount of bile hatred. He pays them no mind and instead goes to work on Jackson, unloading on him with a disgusting knife edge chop! The blow tears away at Jackson's skin and blood appears were flesh once resided. His face twists awkwardly while the pain spreads through out his body.

 

ROSS

This ain't ballet folks!

 

ALIX

Insulting question: Then why are you wearing a tutu?

 

ROSS

Because it makes me....I AM NOT WEARING A TUTU!

 

Black makes the questionable move of whipping Jackson into the opposite corner. REVERSED! Jackson sends a surprised Black tumbling into the far turnbuckle! The English wrestler hits the padding and stumbles forward, stunned, hurt and unable to defend himself! His body now a mix of blood, sweat and baby oil, Johnny seizes on the opportunity his longtime rival's injured state has presented and nails Black with a side belly to belly suplex!

 

ALIX

Whoo!

 

ROSS

Damn it, somebody stop this match! You can't do that to Dan Black!

 

Jackson stands up and throws his fist into the air, popping the crowd that came to life with that belly to belly suplex! Black lies on the mat, clutching his back and doesn't notice Jackson heading to his corner to make the tag with his partner, Scotty Static! The arena is filled with ear piercing shrieks from underage hotties cheering the arrival of Static into the match!

 

ROSS

When you think of the great tag teams, GPX does not come to mind!

 

Black stands himself up, veins nearly exploding out of his muscular frame. Static leaps onto the second rope then comes right off with missile dropkick! The shot hits Black right in the chest and he falls to the ground barely able to brace himself for the impact! Groggy, he pushes himself to his feet, where his arms are immediately locked by Static! Not wanting to be a part of whatever harmful plan Scotty wants to execute, Black fight against the more popular wrestler's grip! After a short but violent struggle, Black forcefully frees himself from Scotty's clutches! Black grabs a hold of Static's arm and tries to pull him in for a short arm clothesline! But Static slides underneath Black's legs and positions himself behind his rival! Scotty hops onto Black's shoulders and before the Londoner can say “God Save the Queen”, he's being dropped to floor with a Victory Roll!

 

CROWD

1

 

CROWD

2

 

 

KICK OUT!

 

CROWD

BLACK T SUCKS! BLACK T SUCKS! BLACK T SUCKS!

 

ROSS

Black T and Zack Malibu do what it takes to win. If you want to boo them, that's your choice, fans. But they'll always be successful.

 

Running on adrenaline, Static jumps to his feet and orders Black to do the same! The former Intense Zone GM does just that! Looking particularly haggard, Black falls victim to Scotty's hurricanrana attempt! NO! Black counters simply by pressing his hands against Static's legs and flipping him off his body! Although Scotty lands on his feet, the position he finds himself in is not one that boasts many advantages. As Scotty struggles to regain his footing and control of the match, Black swings behind him and entangles the energetic fighter into a half nelson! Static is stricken with panic as his experience with Black T leads him to believe that something far worse then a mere half nelson is forth coming! Scotty's premonitions of doom come to fruition as Black sends him flyyyyyyyying over head with a HALF NELSON SUPLEX! Scotty lands on the canvas folded up like an accordion!

 

ROSS

Stomp his ass, Black! STOMP HIS ASS, GAWD DAMN IT!

 

ALIX

Degrading observation: Somebody forget his Ritalin. Encouragement: Come on Scotty!

 

Black takes a moment to proudly admire his handiwork that's sprawled out on the mat like it was dropped out of an airplane. After he finishes heaping extraordinary amounts of praise upon himself he heads to the corner where he makes the tag to the most hated man in all of professional wrestling, Zack Malibu! The Franchise steps into the ring, wearing an evil grin that lets the world known they're about to see another sickening display from the OAOAST's biggest star. The fans have no drought of disgust for this man and hurl whatever obscenities, no matter how crude or how vulgar, they can think off at him. He becomes buried in a festering pile of their hatred and venom. And he loves every minute of it.

 

ROSS

Where's the hometown reception for Zack Malibu?

 

ALIX

He's from Rhode Island!

 

In a show of good sportsmanship, Zack gently helps Scotty to his feet. In a show of not so good sportsmanship, Zack angrily kicks Scotty right in the testicles! The audience, who amazing haven't lost their voice, boos this deplorable display! But on the ring apron T-Bod cackles with diabolical glee. Zack grabs a hold of Scotty's face, pressing his cheeks together and puckering his lips. The two time world champion stares at Scotty with demoniacally intimidating eyes that would send a lesser man running for the hills. Zack flares with fiery hatred as he cocks his arm and delivers a stiff closed fist to Static's jaw!

 

ROSS

Good gawd! What a shot! What a shot! As god as my witness, Scotty's face has been broken in half!

 

Static rolls around the ring, holding his hurt jaw, checking to see if Zack's cruel blow drew any blood. The former fan favorite stalks Scotty across the ring, taunting him, insulting him and threatening him with further acts of twisted violence. Zack drops to his knees and grabs Scotty into a grounded front face lock. While attempting to choke the life out of the man most often compared to himself, Zack continues to whisper a number of slurs and put downs in his ear. Ignoring Zack's degrading remarks, Static makes every effort to get to the ropes! But Zack holds firm not ready to relinquish his hold or his ability to humiliate his opponent.

 

“YOU TAPPED OUT! YOU TAPPED OUT!”

 

Eventually, Scotty comes to realize that the only way he'll get out of this sticky situation is to power out. As Zack's motor mouth runs off slander after slander to Scotty, the Tiger beat coverboy slowly pushes himself as well as Zack upright. The crowd sensing the tide is starting to turn, stomps their feet against the beer and peanut covered arena floor, trying their damnedest to rally Static! Zack begins to tremble uncontrollably, the amount of strength required to keep Static locked down sapping his body of its energy. Even though Zack's arm is still wrapped tightly around his neck, Static begins a long journey to his corner. With every step, the grip becomes loser. Irritated, Malibu clubs Static in the back with multiple forearm shots! But all this does is does is take Zack away from where his focus should be, namely tightening his rapidly disintegrating hold! Static's muscles bulge with vigorous intensity and beads of sweat shoot like bullets off of Zack's head. Static keeps on fighting the good fight, saturating Zack's facial features with panic as his opponent gets closer to his corner. The Franchise increases the furor of his clubbing blows but its too little too late as Static makes the hot tag to Krista Isadora Duncan!

 

ALIX (grabbing JR's arm)

Hip Hip Hooray!

 

The fans EXPLODE with the largest pop of the night for their hometown hero! The diva who was born and raised in West Los Angeles jumps onto the ropes then springboards off and sends Zack flip flopping to the mat with a dizzying spinning head scissors! The move pops the crowd even further and the atmosphere in the building is EN FUEGO

 

ROSS

BAH GAWD THAT LITTLE LADY IS TAKING IT TO THAT DAMNED FRANCHISE!

 

Malibu shakes his head and starts to get up, but Krista keeps on him, pulling him up and staggering him with a pair of forearms, then Irish whips him into the ropes. Malibu bounces off and Krista jumps up, ready to snap him over with a huracanrana, but Malibu clings to the ropes, watching as Krista crash lands on the canvas! Zack braces himself, giving Krista a moment to get up...ZACK ATTACK~...NO! KRISTA ROLLS UNDER IT, coming up behind Zack...GERMAN SUPLEX WITH BRIDGE!

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

NOT THREE!

 

ALIX

Keep at it, Krista! Make him pay like you were Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman!

 

ROSS

HOOKER REFERENCE! HOOKER REFERENCE! PROSTI-BAH GAWD-TUTION!

 

ALIX

You know, you're stealing Coach's gag.

 

ROSS

Sorry.

 

Malibu gets up, and finds a boot planted in his stom...NO! Malibu catches Krista's leg, and ducks as she jumps up and swings her free leg around with an enzugiri! Malibu reaches down and starts to pull her up, but Krista pops up on her feet, then kicks back with a mule kick that sends Zack back to the ropes. Krista rolls up to her feet and turns to face Zack, but before she can move forward, she's yanked to the mat by Dan Black, who reaches in and pulls her down by her hair! Ref Clem rushes over to scold one third of the Tag Team Champions for his action...but the GPX are in the ring and it's BREAKING DOWN~!

 

ROSS

PIER SIX BRAWL!

 

Static and Jackson rush in and each knock the Black T members to the floor, then wipe them out with stereo pescados! Clem looks around in a fog as too much is going on around him, but the crowd is eating it up! Malibu grabs Krista and pulls her close....but she cradles him and rolls him up with a small package!

 

ONE!

 

TW-ROLL THROUGH~! POP DROP SET UP!

 

ALIX

Oh no...NO! C'mon Krista!

 

Unfortunately, Malibu manages to lift Krista up, as the crowd covers their mouths in stunned silence...THEN EXPLODE AS KRISTA MANAGES A COUNTER WITH A HURACANRANA!

 

ALIX

To steal from you JR, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWWW!

 

ROSS

I don't say that.

 

The long standing rivalry of GPX and Black T continues at ringside, as T-Bod and Static, as well as Jackson and Black have paired off and continue to duke it out. Black gets the upper hand on Johnny "Jam" and posts him, then leans on the apron for a moment to catch his breath. Black looks up into the ring and sees both Krista and Malibu still going at it, and quickly turns to the timekeeper's table, heading over there and swiping one of the OAOAST World Tag Team Title belts from Michael Buffer! With Clem distracted by the brawling between T-Bod and Static, Black gets up on the apron and softly calls to Zack as to not give himself away. Black remains ready with the tag belt, wanting to knock the COD member into next week...UNTIL ALIX JUMPS UP FROM COMMENTARY AND YANKS BLACK OFF THE APRON!

 

ROSS

CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CAT...wait, no that's not right.

 

Alix swipes the belt from a stunned Dan Black, then bolts forward, knocking the former Mystery Eskimo into next week! Malibu sees this and can't believe it, but in his stunned astonishment Jackson has come to and grabs the former World Champion from behind...BEAT DROP ON ZACK MALIBU! JACKSON PLANTS ZACK'S HEAD IN THE CANVAS...AND KRISTA FOLLOWS UP WITH A GRACEFUL TOP ROPE MOONSAULT! COVER!

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

T-Bod slides in to break...AND STATIC PULLS HIM BACK OUT OF THE RING!

 

THREE!

 

*DING DING DING*

 

 

The crowd erupts with cheers for their hometown hero beating the hated heel!

 

ALIX

I told you so! I told you so! It’s like in Sleeping Beauty, when she got kissed and she woke up and their was beautiful prince charming! Do you think I’ll ever meet Prince Charming? Do you think I’m pretty?

 

ROSS

Well..I..

 

ALIX

You took too long to answer! You think I’m ugly! I’m gonna get you!

 

GPX has already left ringside. But Krista hops over the guard rail to celebrate with the fans who are psyched to see a California girl beat a poser from New England!

 

ROSS

Krista Isadora Duncan came to her hometown, the OAOAST’s backyard and took it to Zack Malibu and got the pinfall! What an upset! That’s the biggest upset I’ve ever seen in HeldDOWN~! history!

 

ALIX

Lightning will strike twice because she and I are going to be new tag team champions! You can tell T-Bod and Austin Powers over there that! Humans, for Jivin Jr, I’m Alix Spezia, see-ya next wee....

 

The crowd EXPLODES as Sevendust's "Black" coarses through the arena!!

 

ROSS

BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! AH CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

 

ALIX

!!!!!

 

In the ring, Zack looks up, bewildered...then horrified as Hoff charges out from behind the curtain! Carrying a steel chair, Hoff heads down the ramp to a HUGE ovation, but gets cut off at the pass by T-Bod...

 

*CRACK*

 

And T-Bod goes DOWN after a BRUTAL chairshot!! The steel folds as it lands on T-Bod's skull.

 

ROSS

GAWD WHY? DAMN YOU TO HELL, HOFF!

 

Hoff throws the bent chair down, then keeps charging, only to be met by Dan Black!

 

*CLANG*

And Black goes DOWN after being FLUNG into the ringpost!

 

ROSS

BAH GAWD! MAH MEAL TICKET..AH MEAN BLACK T, BLACK T, BLACK T HAS GONE DOWN! WE NEED MEDICS, GOD DAMN IT! HOFF IS A MAN ON FIRE! BLACK T IS DOWN! BAH GAWD THERE IS NO JUSTICE! HOFF IS INSANE!

 

The fans are at a fever pitch as Hoff slides into the ring!!

 

ROSS

Oh, God....RUN, ZACK!! RUN!! YOU'RE THE FRANCHISE!!

 

Hoff pops to his feet and GLARES at Zack, who looks up at him with slightly frantic eyes.

 

ALIX

Zack had better start praying!!

 

ROSS

WHY DOESN'T HE RUN?! BAH GAWD, LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY!

 

KRISTA (now at the commentary booth obviously)

I’m sure Hoff will listen to reason!

 

ALIX

Oh, God...

 

Zack looks around him, at the carnage, and then back at Hoff who takes a step forward. The crowd is yelling themselves hoarse, BEGGING Hoff to take a shot at Malibu. Zack oh-so-hesitantly steps toward a fuming Hoff, and throws his hands up, trying desparately to explain himself and heed off the attack. Hoff simply stares at him, eyes wide and angry, while Zack keeps explaining, and begins YELLING, pointing in different directions, and screaming "it wasn't me!"

 

ROSS

LISTEN TO HIM!! BE A MAN, HOFF!

 

Hoff shakes his head and CLOTHESLINES Zack Malibu out of his boots!! Zack flips inside out, flopping onto the canvas to a MONSTROUS reaction! The crowd is chanting Hoff's name as the big man SCREAMS for Zack to get up!! Malibu, stumbles to his feet, and turns around...RIGHT INTO A BIG RIGHT HAND!! Hoff fires another, and another, and ANOTHER

 

"HOFF! HOFF! HOFF! HOFF! HOFF!"

 

ROSS

GOD GAWD! ZACK MALIBU HAS BEEN SHATTERED TO PIECES! THE FRANCHISE HAS BEEN SHUT DOWN!

 

Zack's back arches from the impact, before he turns over and flops onto his stomach, unmoving. Hoff looks down at him in a blinding fury, and...slides out of the ring.

 

ALIX

What the hell?

 

The fans murmur...then ERUPT as Hoff GRABS ANOTHER CHAIR!!

 

KRISTA

I don’t think he’s getting that to sit and talk out his problems!

 

ROSS

Now COME ON!!! THIS IS ENOUGH! THIS IS A MAN’S LIVELY HOOD! SHOW SOME HUMAN DECENCY, GAWD DAMN IT!

 

ALIX

Get him, Hoff! Make that son of a bitch pay!! Oops! Potty mouth!

 

The crowd is electric as Hoff slides into the ring with the chair and stands up. Hoff crawls behind Zack and starts SCREAMING for Zack to get up! Hoff clangs the chair against the mat before setting back up again, waiting...waiting...waiting....as Zack finally gets up, turns around, and

 

*WHAM*

 

gets laid out by a GIGANTIC chairshot that sends a cheer through the crowd!! Hoff throws down the chair as Zack crumples to the canvas. The crowd is ecstatic as Hoff looks out over them...back and forth...before stretching his arm out to the side, thumb in the air.

 

ROSS

NOT THIS TOO!! THIS MAN HAS A FAMILY! DO NOT DO THIS! NOT IN THE HOME STATE OF THE OAOAST! THIS IS WRONG!

 

Hoff smiles, a sick, anrgy smile, before turning his thumb down to the biggest pop in the history of crowd noise.

 

ALIX

YES! One Future Shock coming up!! The first one in MONTHS!!!

 

ROSS

Dammit, you've made your point!! Show mercy! Please!

 

Hoff grabs Zack and pulls him up, standing behind him. Hoff hooks Zack from behind and the crowd goes wild!! Hoff lifts Zack up in the reverse suplex position and holds him....

 

holds him....

 

holds him....

 

and brings him DOWN ONTO HIS HEAD with the FUTURE SHOCK!! The crowd ERUPTS as Hoff hits the big move, then gets to his feet, looking down at Zack. Hoff nods, smiling the same angry smile, and--

 

CUE: "Bound for the Floor"

 

KRISTA

Huh?

 

ALIX

Chris Stevens?

 

The fans' rabid cheering turns to booing as Hoff looks up to the ramp, locking eyes with, as always, a well-dressed Chris Stevens. Stevens smirks as he holds a mic in hand.

 

ROSS

Why is he out here now?

 

Hoff looks bewildered at thelatest development. Stevens lifts the mic to his lips:

 

STEVENS

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, the return of HOFF!!!

 

"BOOOOOOOO!!"

 

Hoff cocks his head, looking incredulously at Stevens.

 

ALIX

I don’t think he’s supposed to be out here. In fact I know he’s not supposed to be out here!

 

STEVENS

And Hoff, give yourself a round of applause. You did, I mean, one HELL of a job of taking out Zack Malibu. You got your revenge.

 

Stevens claps as Hoff continues to look dumbfounded, but the crowd cheers the sentiments, as they loved every minute of the beatdown.

 

STEVENS

But you got the wrong guy.

 

The crowd goes silent. Hoff looks at Stevens for another second....before his jaw hits the ground.

 

KRISTA

Wait...is he saying...

 

STEVENS

That's right, big man. I see you finally figured it out. You never were very smart. But just in case I'm wrong, let me spell it out for you. Hoff...I laid you out, all those months ago. I did it. Me.

 

The crowd roars in shock. Hoff's eyes grow like saucers as he looks at Stevens.

 

STEVENS

I mean, did you have any proof that it was Zack Malibu? Anything at all? No. You big idiot, you didn't need any. Well, look what you've done now.

 

Hoff looks around the ring, shock passing over his face. T-Bod and Dan Black are still down on the outside, and Zack Malibu isn't moving in the ring.

 

STEVENS

That's right, take it all in. God, you know, Hoff, you were just so damn easy to manipulate, it's almost a shame. You let yourself believe what you were gonna believe, while all the while, the truth was right here in front of you. But you never even tried to find the truth, did you, Hoff? You never talked to the cops...you never did a damn thing. Because...deep down...you wanted it to be Zack Malibu.

 

Hoff, still looking down at Zack, gently shakes his head no.

 

STEVENS

Don't lie to me, big boy! We all saw it. You were sick of Zack, and you wanted to take him out. I just gave you a reason. So there you go, Hoff. You got your wish. But what about me, Hoff? What am I going to do now? Because, whatever I do to you, it isn't enough! IT'S NEVER ENOUGH!!!

 

Hoff looks up at Stevens, now, with tears in his eyes.

 

STEVENS

I beat you, on pay-per-view, and you get the title shot!! I take you out, and you won't stay down! What IS it with you?!? Dammit, I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH YOU!! I HATE YOU!! Well, guess what, Hoff. It's not going to be so easy...not this time. Because, the next time you're not looking, I am going to hit you even harder. And this time, I PROMISE, you WILL NOT GET UP.

 

The crowd is FURIOUS...and Hoff is in a state of shock.

 

STEVENS

But I want you to know something, Hoff. What I did...I didn't do it to hurt you. No, Hoff, I did it...I did it to ruin your life. You were the OAOAST Champion, and you had all the friends in all the right places. And now...now you threw it all away. Congratulations.

 

Hoff shakes his head, holding it in his hands, then looking back at Stevens.

 

STEVENS

And before I let you think about what you've just done, I've got one more thing to say. As long as I am here...as long as there is air for me to breathe...as long as I live. You, my friend, will NEVER....EVER...hold the world title again.

 

Live with that.

 

Stevens tosses the mic down, and, sparing one last sharp glare for Hoff, exits the stage. In the ring, Hoff stares forward for a moment...then looks back at Zack's body...then looks forward again, face red, in tears, angry...and defeated.

 

*FADE TO BLACK*