Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted January 21, 2005 HeldDOWN is presented by OAOAST Entertainment. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* OAOAST HeldDOWN~! We hear LaLa and now’s a good time for me to point out that I’m having “buyers remorse” over making that the theme song. Anyway.... FIREWORKS EXPLODE ALL ACROSS THE ARENA! And we head to Triple C! COLE Welcome to Calgary for another edition of HeldDOWN~! As the smoke from the opening pyro dies out Anything but Me plays over the sound system! The Albertans already on their feet, waving signs in the air, gleefully welcome one half of CoD, Alix Spezia! Decked out in faded jeans, and a shirt that says “Guns Don’t Kill people. People With Mustaches Kill People.”, Alix starts to walk to the ring, smiling and waving to the adoring fans. CABOOSE For a woman who’s about to have her career ended at Anglepalooza, she sure is happy! Alix steps into the squared circle and holds a microphone in her hands. How thrilling. COACH Cole, according to Alix’s shirt that vagina on your face means you kill people. COLE This is a goatee, Coachman. Not a vagina. (In the ring sits two pictures, who’s imagery is being shielded by a pair of dirty Rainbow Brite bedsheets.) ALIX Okay, I know the name of my tag team is Chicks Over Dicks, but like George Washington, I can’t tell a lie. Like Larry King, I do like guys. Two types of guys actually; gay guys and guys with accents! Ladies and some of you boys, if we’re honest with ourselves, we’re all suckers for a sexy accent. I mean, really! Why do you think we all flock in droves to see a Jude Law movie? COLE Because of those sweet, sweet, sweet, lips. ALIX I know I didn’t go to see Closer to watch that bitch Natalie Portman stink up another part I should’ve gotten. No, I went because of Jude’s accent. If Tom Arnold talked like Jude Law he’d have a line of straight women and gay guys stretching all the way to Colorado forming in front of his house! Now, why am I wasting precious air time on this? Well, there’s a certain someone, a foreign employee of this company that has caught my eye. In the figurative sense. If he had caught my eye in the literal sense, the emotional trauma of losing an eye and being forced to dress like Captain Hook’s daughter and wear an eye patch would prevent me from showing my face in public! CABOOSE (standing up) Ugh, time to deal with my fans. I’ll let her down gently. ALIX I’m talking about Dan Black. Dan, I know we have to wrestle each other at Anglepalooza, but I just can’t help myself! I can’t contain these raw emotions any longer! Feelings are like animals! You can’t keep them in cages in zoos that your mother will never take you to because she’s to busy sleeping with your math teacher while you’re at field hockey practice, you have to let them roam free so they can maul that homewrecking math teacher and force you into years of intense psychotherapy! Dan, when it comes to you I only know two words; “Yes. And, would you mind putting a bag over your head?” COLE Hahahaha! CABOOSE Are you laughing because that’s something you hear very often? ALIX If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put me and u together. Then I’d add the letter ‘me’ to the alphabet so that pick up line wouldn’t be so stupid. Dan, Dan, Dan, where to start? To quote Salt and Peppa “if looks could kill you would be an uzi!” That BUTT, those thighs, those pecs, that adam’s apple! Dan you makes Enrique Iglesias, look like Michael Moore after an all nighter at In and Out burger. Oh, Dan! Somebody catch me before I f-a-i-n-t! COLE Stay here Coach, it’s a figure of speech. COACH Damn. I was gonna unleash my meat heat. Cool. ALIX Dan, I’m almost afraid to wrestle you. Because I know I’ll get a third degree burn just by touching you, you’re so hot. Sadly, I think there are still some non believers in the audience. Well, they say a picture is worth a thousand words, and simple sixth grade mathematics which I failed because my mom decided she’d rather hook up with Pedro the gardener then my teacher, tells us that two pictures equals seven thousand words! CABOOSE Alix being attracted to a man is too ridiculous to be true. I know wrestling is fake, but can we try for some realism? (Possessing the type of glee normally held by school girls hanging a picture of Orlando Bloom in their locker, Alix happily removes the LaLa Orange patterned sheet covering the first photo.) COLE Oh no! (Alix stands horrified, her nostrils flaring wildly with an over exaggerated rage! The fans hoot and holler at the picture of Dan Black as Mystery Eskimo, hanging out with Derek The Fish at the Disney World! The happy couple was striking a pose with Chip from the Rescue Rangers as the hot Florida sun beat down on their heads. Eski is wearing a red fanny pack, a green visor, pink umbro shorts, a yellow tank top and green sandals.) “WE WANT DEREK! WE WANT DEREK!” the crowd chants in unison, no doubt sending the Ice Heart into a fit of rage backstage ALIX Um...that’s not...what..um, let’s move onto to the next picture! (Feigning disappointment, Alix exposes the second picture! The photograph proves even more embarrassing then the previous and induces riotous laughter from the Alberta crowd! It’s a picture of Dan Black and Jivin Jr, clad in white robes, getting a manicure/facial at a spa in Manhattan Beach! Both men look absolutely thrilled to be participating in a day of wonderful TLC.) COLE Heh heh that’s funny! CABOOSE Almost as funny as you faking near death backstage so that Johnny Jackson would give you CPR. (The pretty brunette pretends not to share to crowd’s joy and throws her hands up in utter disgust!) CABOOSE All this to mock the greatest tag team wrestler this fed has ever had. Shameful. But strangely erotic. ALIX Enough!! I am f-u-r-i-o...um....um, I’m furious, okay! Who did this?! Which one of you is responsible for destroying my pictures? I had to pay twenty five bucks to get them blown up at Staples! This was supposed to be my tribute to my Sweet Baboo! This isn’t right! This isn’t supposed to happen! How did this happen? I wanna know! I’ve got the Q and somebody better give me the A! And I ain’t talking aids! I’m talking answers, baby! Get me Matlock! Get me Shaft! Get me Perry Mason! Get me CSI! Get me a diet Sprite! Dan, baby, I’m sorry! I just wanted to compliment, you sweetheart! I didn’t do this! The devil made me do it! Cue: "The Music From Some Jude Law Movie!" COLE Oh. My. God. And Jude Law walks out on the stage! The crowd goes wild! CROWD: Let's go Jude-y! Let's go Jude-y! COACH Are they calling him Judy? COLE Like Judy Bagwell? She was hot. Jude walks down to the ring. On closer inspection, Jude appears to have put on a lot of weight since his last public appearance, and his walk is more of waddle. His face also looks somewhat plastic. Jude climbs into the ring and squares up to Alix, who gasps in amazement. Jude offers a hug. A one armed hug, the other arm behind his back. Alix looks a little unsure. COLE Hey, what’s in his other hand? The camera zooms in. It's a bottle of BBQ sauce! COACH Oh no! It couldn't be! Alix steps in for the hug, and Jude swings the bottle out at her head! Alix jumps aside and KAPOW! She hits Jude with a superkick! His face comes flying off! OMG It was a mask! It's- it's- COLE Jivin JR! That duplicitous villain! What skulduggery! I am most aggrieved! CABOOSE Someone take that thesaurus away from him. JR is out cold on the mat. Alix laughs in his face, and picks up one of the pictures, ready to strike him with it. This, of course, brings the cue of "Quiet", as Dan Black himself appears on the ramp, clad as usual in an ultra sharp suit and cutting edge shades, which he quickly removes to stare at the ring. A microphone is thrown into his manicured hands. DAN Bloody hell. Jim Ross, I thank you for your efforts in defending my honour. Quite why you had a Jude Law mask on your person- well, perhaps we should just let that lie. Now, Alix - would I be right in thinking this little show you put on...was to mock me? To MOCK? ME? Alix smiles innocently and puts a hand to her heart, burbling love towards Daniel Maximus Black. That's his name. DAN Alix, I believe you protest too much. This exhibition- you wanted my attention, didn't you? You're looking forward to our match, right? Looking forward to getting your hands on me? I don't blame you, sweetheart. All over the world, women -and some very sick men- are demanding a dose of Black T. You're only human. So how about I walk down to that ring, shake your hand, show you there's no hard feelings and that I'm looking forward to "locking up" with you too. Alix shrugs, holding up the picture once more as a weapon. CABOOSE She probably has that loaded with a STEEL PLATE! COACH Or maybe Dan will be repulsed by the horror of the Eskimo gimmick. Dan climbs into the ring, palm held up calmingly. He laughs at the fallen JR, shaking his head in amusement. Dan shrugs his shoulders and laughs some more, before holding out a hand to Alix. COLE She's really not that stupid, is she? CABOOSE Well, it's like Dan said, she was protesting too much. She really DOES want a piece of the Black man. COACH She wants a black man? SCORE COACH! COLE (rubbing Coach’s leg) She’s not the only one who likes black boys... Dan looks at the picture in Alix's hands, and chuckles. That's pretty funny, he tells Alix. She agrees, and takes her eyes off Black for a split second to look at it again. BOOM! Dan's fist, backed up by brass knucks, SLAMS into the side of Alix's face! She crumples to the mat. Black gets both pictures and breaks them over his knee to accompanying BOOS from the crowd. COLE This is awful! dreadful! terrible! appalling! ghastly! dire! unpleasant! poor show! CABOOSE Security! Get that damn thesaurus! COLE Shut uuuup, I want to exponentiate my word capacity! It's hot to know words! Just ask Hoff. I’ll see you backstage, Hoff Daddy. Tee-heh! In the ring, Dan grabs Alix by the hair, and thrusts her face into his groin! He gives it the old T.Bod style snake hibs, rubbing her face quite literally in it! The other half of the CoD, Krista, comes sprinting down to the ring, but Dan drops Alix and rolls out. On the floor he smoothes back his hair and lights a cigarette, telling the crowd "That was bloody great. Anyone have a tissue?" Krista tends to Alix as Dan struts off, Jivin JR dragging his groggy carcass after him. COLE That was assault! GOD DAMN SEXUAL ASSAULT! CABOOSE And you should know. COLE Damn right. CABOOSE She wanted it. Dan just helped her overcome her inhibitions. I didn’t hear the word “no”. COACH What an insult to the CoD! Dan Black is a dirty, stinking pervert! COLE Oo, I didn't think of it like that.....do you think he's into- COACH&CABOOSE NO!!! COLE In that case, he can rot in hell!! There’s no place in wrestling for those kinds of unscrupulous misdeeds! Mister Black, filthy cur that he is, will get his comeuppance at our January pay per view extravaganza, Anglepalooza! COACH Alix's ploy to embarass Dan may have back fired, but if I were Dan I'd watch my back right now, he might have just made this PERSONAL! We'll be right back with more in your face action! CABOOSE Heh. Just like Alix just got!! COACH Yeah, that was the joke. CABOOSE Oh. COACH Yeah. CABOOSE Carry on then. COACH Ok. Anyway, Tony Brannigan will take on Alix's partner, Krista later tonight! (GO TO BREAK) (RETURN FROM BREAK) *camera focuses right to the ring where a man with short black hair, short black tights and a black vest is standing.* Coach: We’re back and from the looks of things where going straight to the action! Caboose: Is that who I think it is? How old is he now? Ring Announcer: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Standing in the ring to my left and hailing from St. Petersburg Florida is… Barry Horowitz!!! *Barry proceeds to pat himself on the back with his left hand and then raises both arms up into the air to the crowd’s delight* Cole: A true wrestling legend in every sense of the word. He’s got nothing left to prove so you have to won… *Just then the house lights dim and colored strobe lights fill the arena while ABBA’s Dancing Queen cuts off Michael Cole in mid-sentence. Bubbles cover the entrance way but as it begins to thin out you can see an out of shape and long haired man at the top* Caboose: It’s the 70s Dude! Finally, somebody who can save this company from going down the drain. Coach: What are you talking about Boose? The OAOAST is hotter than ever and kicking on all cylinders! *Caboose ignores Coach and stands up to do that dance from Saturday Night Fever while The 70s Dude makes his way down the aisle and into the ring* Ring Announcer: and his opponent from Newark, New Jersey…The 70s Dude! *Horowitz removes his vest and hands it over to the Ring Announcer to take with him out of the ring. The 70s Dude dances a bit to a chorus of boos and Horowitz blindsides him with a running double ax-handle to the back. The ref signals for the bell to ring* Cole: We’re under way and Horowitz is on the attack Caboose: This is no way to treat the debuting savior of this federation! *Horowitz pushes The 70s Dude up against the ropes and begins hitting him with a flurry of rights. He then irish whips him to the far side, The Dude bounces off the ropes and meets a Horowitz standing dropkick. Horowitz gets to his knees and pats himself on the back while The 70s Dude lays on the mat trying to recover* Coach: Listen to these fans. They love Horowitz! Caboose: What do Canadians know?! Get up Dude! *Horowitz gets to his feet, grabs a hand full of The 70s Dude’s hair and proceeds to help him to his feet. He then begins to chop hard at The 70s Dude’s chest driving him back into the corner. Horowitz grabs The Dude and goes to Irish Whip him to the opposite corner but The Dude reverses it, sending Horowitz hard into the corner. The Dude follows him with a hard clothesline causing Horowitz to collapse right in the corner* Caboose: Now he looks like the Barry Horowitz I remember. *The Dude quickly follows this up by bringing Horowitz to his feet in the corner. After a couple stiff rights The Dude proceeds to scoop Horowitz up and place him in the Tree of Woe. The Dude struts out of the corner while Horowitz dangles in a dazed state, he reaches the opposite turnbuckle, does a funky dance and then runs straight into Horowitz landing his knee right into the abdomen of Horowitz. Horowitz falls in a heap and The Dude looks out to the booing crowd with a sick smile showing off his 2 missing top teeth and his yellow stained bottom ones.* Caboose: This is great! This place has needed somebody like this for a long time now! *The Dude once again brings Horowitz to his feet and backs away from the corner with him. He then proceeds to lift him up and suplex Horowitz. The Dude floats over into a pin.* 1 2 kickout! *The Dude wiggles 3 fingers in the direction of the ref while the fans cheer* Cole: He’s not out of this yet! Caboose: Is he too stupid to stay down?! *The Dude tries bringing Horowitz to his feet again but as Horowitz reaches his knees he lands a right into the fat gut of The Dude. Horowitz rises to his feet again and begins striking The Dude with right after right causing The Dude to stumble back a bit. While the Dude is slightly dazed Horowitz bounces himself off the ropes and runs at The Dude, but the Dude is prepared and ducks the clothesline while landing his knee into Barry’s old man abs. The force sends Horowitz down onto all fours. The Dude lifts Horowitz back up by the back of his tights, turns him around and lands a boot into the mid-section. From there The Dude grabs Horowitz and places him up on his shoulders in a fireman’s carry.* Cole: He calls this The Draft Dodger! Coach: I call it over. *The Dude then hits a vicious Death Valley Driver on Horowitz who’ leg is now just kicking a bit outta nerves. The Dude hooks the leg and pins him* 1 2 3!!! *the official signals for the bell and The Dude gets up slowly. The crowd boos and a couple of paper balls hit the ring. ABBA’s Dancing Queen fills the arena once more and The Dude does some funky dance moves* Caboose: This is clearly the start of something huge! COLE I’m afraid it would be impossible for me to agree more! CABOOSE Don’t kiss ass. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted January 21, 2005 ZACK'S PROMO (We cut backstage where Josh Matthews and The Macho Man are talking by the coffee table.) MATTHEWS No Macho Man for the last time I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go on American Idol. MACHO MAN Why not!? It’s about tiiiiime that someone brought a little rap to the table dig it!! I’ve already put out a CD, I’m a shoe in! MATTHEWS I doubt they’ve heard your CD and if they have then they definitely won’t take you. MACHO MAN What’s that supposed to mean? MATTHEWS You… (Josh is cut off by two men in suits carrying briefcases. Their faces are facing away from the camera so we cannot get a good look at who they are.) SUIT #1 Could you direct us to whoever is in charge around here? SUIT #2 We have a business proposal for him. MATTHEWS I think he’s in that dressing room down there on the right. SUIT #1 Thank you. (The men walk away) MATTHEWS Who were they? They seemed familiar. MACHO MAN I don’t know, but if they work for a record company I might want to talk to them. I’ll see you later…ooooh yeah! COLE Oh, that wacky Randy Savage! Whatever will we do with him? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted January 21, 2005 We're backstage. Miscellaneous OAOAST staff are strolling around the corridors. Suddenly, music hits up - "Stayin' Alive" by the mighty BeeGees. As the introductory beats play, the camera shows two pairs of feet, wearing sharp black shoes, walking quickly across the white floor. The camera moves to the walking pair's perspective, as people get out of their way men giving the thumbs up, women winking admiringly, Michael Cole frothing at the mouth. We move again to see who these walking stars are. It's the Love Doctors! Strutting their stuff to the funky beat, the Docs are wearing matching white suits and gold chains. They take a turn round a corner, pointing and grinning an acknowledgment at a passing Frankie Frankensteiner, before stopping next to Mean Gene Okerlund! The music cuts, as the Docs stand either side of Gene, grinning. They open the jackets of their suits to show their HIYAH International Tag Team Titles strapped round their waists. GENE Ladies & Gentlemen, I've been lucky enough to get a few moments with the hottest new tag team in the OAOAST - the Love Doctors! Dr. Max, Dr. Steven - how are you both? MAX We're just great Mean Gene. Following our win last week over those Japanese guys who's names we can't remember, we're riding higher than ever! Respect, success, we got it all! STEVEN Including these snazzy suits! The Doc's do a spin and point to camera. GENE Ah, yes, they're very nice. Now boys, I wanted to ask you- what's next for you? MAX I can answer that, Gene- Max is interupted by a phone ringing. He flips a phone out of his pocket and answers it. MAX Hello, Dr. Max Anderson! Hi baby! (Laughing) No, I can't do that right now! No! Oh, baby, you're killing me! I got work to do! What? Your sister's coming over? Oh lordy! GENE Well, perhaps while Dr. Max is busy, Dr. Steven, could you- Dr. Pigley's phone rings too. STEVEN Hello? What? A huge accident? A little boy needs my expert surgical skills to save his life? Well...I'm really in the middle of something here. Yeah, get that guy to do it. No, he's not that bad. It was only three people he killed, I'm sure, and he doesn't drink nearly so much now. Yeah, that's fine. Cool. Bye! Max and Steven both hang up and look at Gene, who looks a little confused. MAX So, you were asking about our plans? Well, we're going to be a part of the Anderson Cup post Anglepalooza. What's more, we're going to win that cup and go to Anglemania to become DOUBLE tag team champions! STEVEN In between now and then, we might humiliate a few more teams in HIYAH title defences, make some more money, score with a few (hundred) more chicks. Life is good when you're a Love Doctor, Mean Gene! Hey, maybe you could be the third member! MAX What the hell?! STEVEN It was a joke, man! Look at this old coot! He wouldn't last two seconds living our lifestyle! Both Docs laugh and point at Mean Gene for several moments. Gene looks sadly at the camera. GENE Well, this is Mean Gene Okerlund, for the Love Doctors, signing off. The Docs continue to laugh as we fade out. COLE Up next is-- "Bound for the Floor," the theme of Chris Stevens, kicks in, cutting Cole off in mid-sentence. CABOOSE I will never, ever, ever get tired of that bit. COLE I hate you... The fans boo as Chris Stevens, wearing a sharp balck drss suit, walks down the aisle, with his bodyguard Jumbo in tow. Stevens jaws with the fans, then walks up the ring steps and into the ring. Jumbo, in his dirty, non-stylin' clothes, slides in under the ropes. COLE So now we see the true relationship of Jumbo and Stevens! CABOOSE Stevens is a smart man. COACH I dunno how smart it is to piss Hoff off! He's a marked man, now! Stevens waves the fans quiet, standing in the center of the ring, mic in hand. Stevens raises the mic-- and Bill Watts appears on the AngleTron!! "YEAH!!!" COLE Bill Watts?! COACH The Boss has something to say! Holla, Bill! Stevens rolls his eyes. WATTS You know what, Chris? Save it. I'm tired of hearing you talk, and so is everyone else. "YEEEEEEAAAHH!!!!" Stevens nods, smiling sarcatsically. WATTS Tonight, Hoff has asked for his first match back, and I've granted it. NOW Stevens shows some concern -- or rather, fear, as his eyes big out! Stevens frantically shakes his head, SCREAMING "no" to the screen!! The fans cheer!!! WATTS Oh, but Chris, I thought you weren't scared of Hoff!! STEVENS (raising the mic) I'm not scared of anyone, but you can't just MAKE me fight!!! I've got a-- WATTS Oh, yes, I can, Chris. And I thought I told you to shut up. "YEAH!!!!!!" WATTS But don't fear, Chris...it's not you he wants. The crowd murmurs. COLE Huh?! WATTS Tonight, in this ring, it'll be Hoff, one on one, with Jumbo. COLE OH YEAH!!! COACH Awwwww, Jumbo done messed up now!!! Now it's JUMBO's turn to bug out. Stevens tries to calm him down, but Jumbo FURIOUSLY shakes his head. WATTS Oh, yes Jumbo. You and Hoff. Think about that the next time you commit criminal assault. Have a nice night, boys. The Tron goes black to a BIG pop!! COLE What an announcement! Hoff vs. Jumbo, TONIGHT!! CABOOSE We'll be back with tag team action! (Go to break) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted January 21, 2005 (Return from break) ZACK'S MATCH (Go to break) (Return from break) ::Scene cuts to Axel pacing around the dressing room:: AXEL (muttering to himself) I don't know if I can do this. Should I? (Axel's muttering and pacing is interrupted by him pacing right into somebody...) AXEL Oh! Hey! CRYSTAL Uh, hi? What's the matter with you? Trying to wear out the carpet? AXEL No... CRYSTAL Adam, are you okay? AXEL Yeah, but there's something I need to talk to you about. CRYSTAL Okay, shoot. AXEL Well, you remember the way it used to be when we were back in Detroit? Crystal seems to be taken aback by the sudden memories that soon flood her mind. She obviously isn't sure where Axel's going with this as she replies... CRYSTAL Um, yeah, of course. That was a long time ago. AXEL (Sighing) Well look, I know I was an asshole last year, and I know you probably don't trust me, and won't for a long time. But the last couple of weeks has been really great, and if its ok with you, I'd like it go back to the way it used to be, you know... me and you. CRYSTAL Adam, are you asking me to go out with you again? AXEL (laughs nervously) Oh man, that sounds so much like high school! But pretty much, yeah. CRYSTAL If I say yes Adam, you have to realize something. If you ever betray me, I would snap. I've had enough of that crap before, and if it happens to me one more time... AXEL I know Crystal, I know. I've learnt from my mistakes, and I now know where my future lies. I've changed. I'm me again. Crystal pauses, not sure of what to say, until a smile slowly creeps onto her face, as she looks up to Axel. CRYSTAL Alright. I won’t lie, it feels like a space in my life has been filled the last couple of weeks. Let’s try to make this work. (Beaming, Axel embraces Crystal as the crowd pop HUGE, and we fade to black) (GO TO BREAK) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted January 21, 2005 (RETURN FROM BREAK) CUE: "Bound for the Floor" "BOOOOOOOO!" *ding ding ding* BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, being accompanied by Chris Stevens...JUM-BOOOOOOOOO!!! CABOOSE Not even a hometown. Yikes. A very angry-looking Jumbo steps out onto the stage, accompanied by Chris Stevens, slapping the hired gun on the back and shouting words of encouragement. Jumbo ignores Stevens, his eyes set on the ring. COLE Folks, if you just joined in, you've missed a wild night, and you also missed OAOAST Chairman Bill Watts setting this match up earlier! COACH Hoff was just dyin' to get his hands on someone, so the chairman gave him Jumbo! CABOOSE Guys, Jumbo is gonna be sorry. COLE No question that Hoff is gonna look to take a piece out of Jumbo tonight, and don't forget, in ten days at Anglepalooza, it'll be Hoff and Chris Stevens, one-on-one, in a steel cage! COACH That is gonna be off tha HOOK, Mikey! COLE You better believe it. Jumbo climbs up the ring steps and into the ring, shoving the referee away. Stevens, meanwhile, circles the ring, jawing with fans before taking a place at the far side of the ring, leaning on the apron. Stevens' music dies down and... CUE: "Black" "YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!" BUFFER And his opponent.... The opening licks of Hoff's theme song fade in, and *BOOM*BOOM*BOOM*BOOOOOOOOOOOOM~!* Fireworks EXPLODE on stage as Hoff steps out to a HUGE cheer!! BUFFER From Minneapolis, Minnesota, weighing in at 275 pounds...he is called by some the uncrowned champion of the woooooooorld.....ladies and gentlemen, HOFF~!~!~!!!!!!!! The crowd goes BALLISTIC for Buffer's intro, as Hoff stands at the top of the ramp, soaking it all in. Clad in his normal ring gear, Hoff also sports a knee brace on his right knee. COLE Hoff's first match back in action, and you heard Buffer -- many people believe that Hoff is the rightful OAOAST Champion! CABOOSE WHAT?! Whoa, whoa whoa, hold on there. Drek is the champion. COLE Absolutely, but-- CABOOSE BUT NOTHING. Drek won the belt, fair and square. COLE A belt that Hoff never lost in the ring, that was stripped from him, all because of that man right there, Chris Stevens. The camera zooms in on Stevens' scowling face, then cuts back to Hoff...who breaks into a sprint! Hoff shoots down the aisle and slides into the ring, blowing right past Jumbo! Hoff makes a lunge for Stevens on the outside, but the wide-eyed Stevens jumps back in the nick of time! Hoff climbs halfway through the ropes-- but Jumbo nails him in the back, and pulls him back in as the bell sounds! COLE Here we go! Jumbo clubs Hoff across the small of the back, causing Hoff to arch his back in pain. Hoff steps away, but Jumbo clubs him again. Jumbo turns Hoff around and slaps on a side headlock, but Hoff backs him into the ropes. Hoff shoots Jumbo off the ropes, slipping free of the headlock. Jumbo comes barrelling off the far side, and misses with a clothesline as Hoff ducks. Jumbo comes bouncing off the other side, and Hoff meets him with a big clothesline that floors him! "YEAH!!!" Hoff picks Jumbo up off the mat and throws a big right hand! Jumbo reels, and Hoff throws another! Hoff drives Jumbo into the corner with right hands, then whips him cross-corner. Jumbo hits the opposite buckle, and Hoff charges in, squishing the large man with a clothesline. Hoff grabs a stunned Jumbo and whips him again, back to the original corner, before raising one finger into the sky. COLE Could be going for that corner splash, shades of the great Sting! Hoff charges and LEAPS, looking for the Stinger Splash...but nobody home, as Jumbo darts away at the last second! Hoff reels, and Jumbo seizes the opportunity by kicking Hoff RIGHT IN THE KNEE!! Hoff clutches his knee, falling to the mat as the fans get on Jumbo. "BOOOOOOOOOO" CABOOSE Sound move. You have to exploit your opponent's weaknesses. Stevens, on the outside, applauds as Jumbo picks Hoff up. Jumbo scoops Hoff up and slams him down, then runs off the ropes! Jumbo jupms into the air and comes down with a big splash, into a cover, but Hoff is out at two! COACH Now THAT'S a "big splash." CABOOSE Cute. COACH Well hey, I try. Jumbo picks Hoff up after the near fall, lifting him up overhead and carrying him on hsi shoulder! Jumbo walks over to the corner, and presses Hoff up...but Hoff slips out the back door! Jumbo spins around, right into a boot from Hoff! Hoff THROWS Jumbo into the corner, and levels a FURIOUS kick to his right knee!! The fans cheer as Jumbo HOWLS in pain! COACH Uh-oh! COLE I guess turnabout is fair play! Hoff SCREAMS an inaudible curse at Jumbo before hooking his right leg on the second rope and STOMPING at it! The fans go crazy as the ref admonishes Hoff! Finally, the official administers a five-count, and Hoff steps back. The ref unhooks Jumbo's leg, and Hoff moves back in, grabbing him by the hair-- CABOOSE ILLEGAL HAIR PULL!! COLE Would you stop. Hoff drags Jumbo to the center of the ring, and scoop slams him, then drops a leg across his throat! Hoff rolls into a cover, but it only gets two! CABOOSE Not quite! Hoff gets up and pulls Jumbo to his feet, then rocks him with a big right hand. Jumbo reels, and Hoff grabs him, whipping him into the ropes. Jumbo bounds off, and Hoff plants his feet for the SPINEBUSTER...but Jumbo grabs the top rope as he bounces, hooking himself before he can run into the move! Suddenly, Hoff CHARGES, clotheslining Jumbo OVER THE TOP and to the floor!! The ref pulls Hoff back after the big move! COLE Whoa! Jumbo gets to his feet on the outside, and Stevens meets him, trying to restore some confidence...but Stevens FLEES and Hoff LEAPS out of the ring with a gorgeous pescado! Hoff lands squarely on the chest of Jumbo, to a HUGE pop!! "HOFF HOFF HOFF HOFF HOFF HOFF HOFF HOFF" COACH DAYUM! COLE I guess he feels okay after all! CABOOSE Bah. COLE We know the big man loves to fly! Hoff gets up and looks out across the fans, with FIRE~! in his eyes, drawing them TO THEIR FEET! Hoff rolls Jumbo back into the ring, and slides in behind him! Hoff gets to his feet and sets, drawing an even BIGGER pop!! COACH Aw, yeah, THEY know what's coming!! COLE Dial it up! CABOOSE That doesn't even make sense-- COLE DIAL IT UP!!!! Hoff sets, waiting...waiting...Jumbo gets to his feet, turns around, and SPIIIIIIINE-BUSTAH~!~!~!~!~! "YEAAAAH!!!!!!!!" COLE My God, that was HUGE!! COACH That's the sickest damn spinebuster I've EVER seen!!! CABOOSE I think my good friend, Tony "The Body" Brannigan, would have something to say about that. COLE Hey, no disrespect to Tony, or Axel, or even to the competition's Batista, because that man throws it well. But I have NEVER seen anyone drill a man like that. Ever. Hoff plants Jumbo about three feet under the mat with the ANGRIEST spinebuster this side of the Atlantic, and rolls into a cover. ONE! TWO! THREE!!! *ding ding ding ding* COLE Just like that! COACH Wow. That was impressive. CABOOSE It's just a spinebuster... COLE Caboose, do you not see the TILDE~? The tildebang means FORCE. CABOOSE All right. Seriously. Can we not go ONE WEEK without breaking kayfabe? COACH Nah, playa, I don't think so. CABOOSE ...*sigh* very well. "Black" hits as Hoff stands up, the referee raising his hand. BUFFER The winner of this bout....HOFF!!!!!! Hoff pulls his arm down, and looks out at the people, before running to the near corner and climbing to the second rope! Hoff waves the fans up, drawing a HUGE reaction before turning his gaze to Stevens and pointing. COLE Hoff sending a message! Hoff stays on the buckle, pointing, glaring an icy gaze at Stevens, who gulps in fear. Hoff nods and mouths "ten days" before hopping off, and exiting the ring, playing to the hot crowd as he heads to the back. COACH Well my man Hoff sending a warning, a message, to Chris Stevens! COLE Hoff apparently got enough blood for one night, but what is in store for Stevens at Anglepalooza? CABOOSE I don't want to think about it. Stevens slides into the ring, checking on his muscle before looking down the ramp at Hoff. Hoff raises one arm, looking out over the crowd, before pointing once more at Stevens before he heads to the back. COACH When we come back, J.Math will throw it up with AJ Flaire! COLE That’s Phenomenal!!! Get it? Get it? COACH I get it. Now, you should get something else. COLE What's that? COACH Lost! (GO TO BREAK) (RETURN FROM BREAK) (We come back to a shot of Josh Matthews standing in the ring, microphone in hand, waiting for his cue) J-MATH Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present to you a man that returned last week from a six month absence with a seemingly career ending back injury. He is a former OAOAST X Division Champion, and is known as the greatest X Champion of all time. The pop grows from the crowd from a small cheer to a roar as Josh continues with the announcement… J-MATH Ladies and Gentlemen… AYYY JAAAAAAAAYYYYY FALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAIIREEEEEEEEEEEE!!! The heavy rock beat of Rage against the Machine’s “Guerrilla Radio” blares over the loud speakers, surprising the crowd at first, but they soon go into ovation mode as AJ Flaire appears at the top of the entrance ramp, a smile present on his face. He’s wearing dark blue jeans, and a *NEW* AJ Flaire T-Shirt (Front: “AJ Flaire’s Back?” Back: “That’s Phenomenal!” Available from OAOAST Shopzone January 26th). COLE What an ovation for the returning AJ Flaire! The fans are on their feet in appreciation of the greatest X Division Champion of all time! AJ begins to walk up the ring steps, but shrugs his shoulders and jumps back down, greeting the ringside fans and slapping their hands ala Jerry Lynn and Rob Van dam back in ECW. AJ runs around the ring, slapping hands and greeting the public who seem to be just as glad to see him back as he is to be back. CABOOSE These idiots cheering for this plotting, knifing ass that screwed Drek Stone last week! AJ slides into the ring and shakes hands with Josh, as ‘Guerrilla Radio’ dies down, and Josh begins the interview. J-MATH AJ, first of all, welcome back. The pop is resounding as the crowd acknowledges AJ’s return to the ring after a lengthy absence. An ‘A-J! A-J!’ chant begins, stopping the two men from continuing with the interview. AJ is taken by surprise with this chant, and the show of appreciation by the fans. He smiles at the fans, and begins to speak to them, and to Josh Matthews. AJ Thank you Josh, and thank you Calgary for that reception! “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!” CABOOSE What, he needs a cheap pop to get over? Please! J-MATH AJ, one of the questions that I have wanted to know firstly, how is your back, and are you back to one hundred percent? You can obviously wrestle, as we saw last week. AJ My back is currently at one hundred percent, as good as new. I went through a lot of shit in the last six months to get overt this injury, and now that I have, I’m back, and I’m ready. J-MATH Now, what about the man who caused this injury, Hoff? (slight pop) One would assume that he would be your first target since coming back, but that isn’t the case. Why not? AJ To be completely honest, Hoff just did the inevitable. My back was hanging on by a thread as it was, he just sped the process up. I got my revenge back at AngleSlam when he lost to Gunner, and then Hoff got injured. So, and this is a shoot, we sat down and had a beer when we were both rehabbing, and sorted stuff out. I’m never going to be Tag Champ with the guy, but all the animosity has gone. J-MATH Which brings me to the next question – why the charade over the past two weeks? Apart from the obvious – the OAOAST Championship – why Drek Stone? And why the charade with Phoenix? AJ Oh, that’s easy Josh. You know the old saying, one mans loss is another man’s gain. And my injury, my loss, well, that was Drek’s gain. Drek took my spot in my absence. Drek took my spot in the Road to the Elimination Chamber, Drek took my spot in the Chamber match, and Drek took my opportunity to be the OAOAST Champion in my absence. Now, I’m back, so I’m ready to prove to the world that if I didn’t get injured, I would be in Drek’s position – and I will be in Drek’s position after Anglepalooza when I beat him, and become OAOAST Champion. “YEEEEEEEEEAH!” VOICE WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT JUST A GOD DAMN MINUTE! The voice, of course, belongs to AJ Flaire’s Anglepalooza opponent, Drek Stone, who trudges out from behind the curtain, and storms down to the ring, title belt in one hand, microphone in the other. Drek slides into the ring, and face to face with AJ, as the crowd give Drek the negative reaction that he is used to. DREK Now I know all these morons in Calgary think that your comeback story is just SO inspirational, but come on, get serious AJ. “ASS-HOLE! ASSHOLE!” CABOOSE These damn Canadians! They don’t appreciate Drek Stone! COLE Well do you blame them after he just belittled their city? DREK You are so high on your comeback that you fail to realise just who in the hell you are dealing with? I’m Drek Stone! I’m the OAOAST Champion! Your injury, your comeback… means NOTHING. Nothing to me. Nothing to anyone of any importance in this business. You Main Evented ONE Pay Per View in your first year? Big deal. I’ve Main Evented several, and I haven’t even been here a year yet! AJ Oh yeah Drek, just keep feeding your own ego, just keep at it. You know deep down that if I hadn’t got injured, that I’d be in the spot you are today. You know it. DREK You think I took your spot? Well you’d be right. You know what? I was HAPPY when you got injured, I was ecstatic. Because I knew that the door would open for Drek Stone to be given the opportunity that he always deserved. You’re jealous. It consumes you. It probably has done ever since you got injured. So what do you do? You screw me around, and you trick me. So much for an ‘awe-inspiring athlete’. I think you’ve lost all your credibility now AJ. AJ Well Drek, did it ever occur to you that I just don’t give a *BLEEP* about what you think? “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!” Drek seems shocked at AJ’s choice words, as AJ continues. AJ Drek, your body, your abilities, can only take you so far. When you get to that point, like I did, you have to use your head, and you have to propel YOURSELF to the next level. Just like you did when I left. And I propelled YOUR ass to the floor last week when I beat you senseless! Just like at Anglepalooza, I’m going to propel myself to the top of the OAOAST, and I’m going to make you my BITCH. “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!” Drek’s eyes grow wide, and he goes face to face with AJ, jaw jacking with his Anglepalooza opponent. He finally backs off… …before he FLOORS AJ with the microphone! COLE Drek just laid out AJ with that microphone! Drek drops the microphone and begins laying in heavy, heavy boots to the back of AJ’s head, all the while trash talking to his adversary! He grabs AJ by the hair and picks him up, locking in a front face lock! COACH Oh no, not this! Drek grabs a hold of AJ’s tights… …STONECUTTER ON AJ FLAIRE! CABOOSE Yes! THAT is what you get when you mess with the OAOAST Champion dammit! Yes! Beat his ass Drek! Drek looks on at the fallen, motionless AJ Flaire, and grabs his title belt. He hoists it high in the air, as if to show it off to the HeldDown crowd, all the while still looking down at AJ. “Woke Up This Morning” then begins to blare over the loudspeakers. COLE What a cold, calculated act by our OAOAST Champion! Drek knows that his title reign could be in jeopardy at Anglepalooza! CABOOSE Drek was merely doing what a champion is required to do. No harm, no foul. COACH No harm? He gave him a stonecutter! CABOOSE Hmm...I guess you can misconstrue that as harm. Sure. Why not? And you should capatalize Stonecutter, Coach. Proper English. COLE Moving on, we have some very intense footage taken last week in the Saints dressing room. Let's take you to it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted January 21, 2005 EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE SHOT LAST WEEK The Saints dressing room: flipped over furniture, smashing champagne bottles being thrown against the walls and flying chairs. His hands covering his face, Jim Cornette paces around the dressing room. Holly-Wood stands imposingly in the corner, carefully aware of her surroundings in order to prevent herself from getting injured by an errant item. SYNTH Shit! They gots our belts, Mr. C. They gots our belts! LOGAN This is bullshit, Cornette! We had the match won! Dan Black experienced Percussion, but Sarcastic Simon and Narcissistic Ned had to stick their damn noses in our frickin' business. Bullshit! There's no turning back now. We want Simon and Ned at Anglepalooza. We don't care want it takes, we want their asses on a silver platter, just like you delivered our tag title shot. CORNETTE You can't possibly be serious, right, guys? Come on, we're family. SYNTH Man, what kind of family screws each other, huh? CORNETTE Well, you know, up in Utah... LOGAN None of this peace treaty shit, James E. We want Simon and Ned at Anglepalooza. The door CREAKS open. THE NEW NEW MIDNIGHT EXPRESS barge into the room. SIMON You want us? Brother, we don't have to wait until Anglepalooza. CORNETTE Simon, please. SYNTH Firsts of all, Ah ain't yo bro. Second of all... oh, yeah? NED Yeah! Sarcastic Simon and Narcissistic Ned lunge at their fellow Jim Cornette Enterprises partners, tackling them to the ground. Simon and Synth, Ned and Logan roll around the floor, throwing wild punches. Jim Cornette watches on, completely stunned that his firm is breaking down in front of his very eyes. He tries to pull Simon off Synth, but cannot. He turns towards Holly, who seems to be enjoying this. CORNETTE What are you doin' just standin' there? Help me! HOLLY Let 'em kill each other. Simon punches Synth's afro. SYNTH The sucka's hittin' the 'fro! The sucka's hittin' the 'fro! It's me's moneymaker, boy, and Ah ain't got it insured yet. CORNETTE Don't hit the 'fro, Simon! Finally OAOAST agents and security storm the room, separating the two teams. Agent Terry Taylor holds Synth back, the Synthmeister attending to his foe while continuing to shout obscenities at Sarcastic Simon. Security escort the New New Midnight Express out of the dressing room as things calm down. Holly-Wood smirks as Cornette sits on a stool, lowing his head. Synth looks at a mirror, using his hands to fluff his afro. SYNTH Goddamn! That's gonna cost moi an extra 5 g's. COLE Oh, my! The Saints and the New New Midnight Express at Anglepalooza! Folks, Anglepalooza has just gotten hotter. Order it! CABOOSE Or Cole will come to your house BUTT-naked and sign a Backstreet Boyz song of his choice. Still disappointed they haven't released a album in years, Cole? COLE Let's not open up old wounds. Coming up Krista Isadora Duncan will face off against the man formerly known as T-Bod. Or Candie will make an appearance. The producer of the show hasn’t decided yet. COACH He better decide quick! COLE The producer is freaking hot. And he’s such a stylish dresser! Did you see that baby blue Lacoste shirt he wore today. Wow, sexy! Any good looking single ladies over the age of 21 and under the age of 40 should feel free to shoot him a call. He really likes brunettes. And he loves brunettes with lots and lots of money. CABOOSE Okay he decided. We'll be back! (GO TO BREAK) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted January 21, 2005 (RETURN FROM BREAK) COLE Our broadcast colleague Tony Schiavone is standing by backstage with Black T. With only Dan Black by his side, Tony Brannigan, already dressed in his robe, is standing in front of a OAOAST banner alongside Schiavone. SCHIAVONE This Sunday at Anglepalooza, The Original Elite -- who'll be represented by Dan Black and Zack Malibu -- will defend their World tag team championships against Chicks Over Dicks. But in a matter of moments, Tony Brannigan will square off against Krista Isadora Duncan. Tony, I know you're very upset about being here tonight. TONY From one Tony to another, and to all the weak links in Canada, let me wish you all a very happy George W. Bush day. You see, Mr. Schiavone, as we all know, the greatest president since President Bush 41 -- well, I did like Clinton because he was willing to do whatever it took to save his ass, and because he wasn't afraid to get his groove on. As I was saying, the greatest pres. in the last 8 years -- and we won it fair and square this time -- is having his second inauguration tonight, but I'm unable to attend tonight's festive activies because I'm booked in a match against a woman who has no right being in the same ring as yours truly. Not to mention I'm stuck in Canada. So let me take this time to congratulate my good friend and fellow Texican, as another good friend of mine, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, would say, on his re-election. And a very special howdy to Jen and Barb. Hi ladies. But onto bigger things at hand. While Jen and Barb are ladies in every sense of the word, Krista and Alix are not. Krista seems to think women our men's equal. In case you two hussies have forgotten, we've just celebrated a very important holiday in the history of mankind, and suffice to say, we were celebrating the life of a great man, not woman. After tonight is all said and done, the words of Dr. King will ring true again: "Free at last, free at last! Thank God Almightly, we're free at last!" Good luck, sweethart. Black T smile as they flash the 3-B hand gesture and exit the picture. SCHIAVONE A very boastful Tony is on his way to the ring. Michael, back to you. COLE Okay. Thank you, Tony. Tony versus Krista is next. Let's go up to Michael Buffer. Lindsay Lohan's "Anything but Me" cues up, the fountain-like RED PYRO SHOOTING out of the entranceway. Krista and Alix appear onstage, the females in attendence on their feet cheering on their sister in arms, the men cheer due to the fact that CoD are hot, but their voices are overwhelmed by the screaming and hollering of their annoying COD-loving wives/girlfriends. Krista is all business, while the fun-going Alix waves to the fans and blows a kiss to the camera. In a cute addition to their entrance, SUPERIMPOSED LIPS pop up on the screen after she blew the kiss. BUFFER The following contest on HeldDOWN~! is set for one fall. Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by fellow Chick Over Dick Alix Spezia, from West Hollywood, California, weighing none of your damn business, she is the author of "No Men, No Cry" and Executive Producer and host of the popular excerise video "Buns with KID"... KRISTA ISADORA DUN-- Michael Buffer stops because 5 MEN carrying picket signs have hopped over the security railing and circle the ring, each wearing t-shirts saying NO MA'AM -- National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood! Sensing what's going on, the fans begins cheering the men because they're actors Ed O'Neil (Al Bundy), Ted McGinley (Jefferson D'Arcy), Harold Sylvester (Griff), E.E. Bell (Bob Rooney) and Tom McCleister (Ike) reprising the roles that made them famous on the hit television series "Married... With Children." If any of them -- i.e., other than O'Neil and McGinley -- are dead or seriously incapaciated, they aren't tonight. COLE And it isn't even sweeps. COACH Yes! I love these guys. Although I'm a bit concerned with McGinley. That man's a curse to hit television shows. Krista and Alix aren't quite sure what to do. Al Bundy and Jefferson enter the ring. Bundy calls for the mirophone. AL Here Ye. Here Ye. We are the Church of NO MA'AM -- National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood! -- and we come in peace. Now...ladies, we're not here to start any trouble -- God knows we already have enough of that at home -- but we at NO MA'AM can no longer sit back and watch two women take away one of the few joys men have left -- professional wrestling. "YEEEAAAAH!" AL First it was the right to vote. Second was equal rights. Third was taking over the workplace. Fourth was giving 007 a female equal on-screen. Fifth was the WNBA. You're already creeping into public office. Next thing you know, it's gonna be President Oprah. I be damned if we'll allow you to take over the squared circle. Not only are you in the jungle, baby, but you're messin' with the greatest collection of wrestlers ever assembled outside of the 4 Horsemen -- The Original Elite! "YEEEAAAAH!" Krista forcefully rips the mic out of Bundy's hands. KRISTA Now, you listen, you complete waste of oxygen. Maybe YOU don't know who you're in the ring with. You're in the ring with Krista Isadora Duncan -- author, self-help guru, and ball-buster. You're in the ring with CHICKS OVER DICKS! And quite frankly, we've heard enough of your babbling. If you think you can stop us, do it. AL Let's rock. JEFFERSON I don't know, Al, they're hot chicks. AL Over dicks, Jefferson. And amazonian! JEFFERSON They don't look so-- AL Neither does Froghorn Leghorn, but that doesn't-- Al whimpers as Krista easily scoopes him up in the air. "Jefferson!" Bundy cries out. "I'm coming for you, buddy," Jefferson answers, only to be decked by a clothesline from Alix. Krista bodyslams Bundy, who sells it like he's been shot. Spezia brings Jefferson back to his feet and Irish whips him to the ropes. She charges after him and CLOTHESLINES D'Arcy over the top rope to the floor. Having never taken a bump before in his life, McGinley's neck hooks the bottom rope as he lands on the arena floor. But he's willing to give it his all for the opportunity to be back on a real hit series. All of the guys are, as the other members of NO MA'AM -- Griff, Rooney and Ike -- jumped into the ring to help their buddies. But COD takes care of each and every one. The crowd rises to their feet. JIVIN J.R., in a NO MA'AM t-shirt, makes his way to the ring! J.R. steps into the ring, the adreanline clearly running through his veins. He RIPS off his t-shirt, revealing his GREEN-PAINTED BODY. THE INCREDIBLE JIVIN' J.R.! The Incredible Jivin' J.R. points his index finger at COD and says, "You!" COD KICK J.R. IN THE BALLS. He falls on his back and rolls out of the ring like a pig rolls around in its own filth. Then, out of nowhere, BLACK T bash Krista and Alix across the back with the OAOAST World tag team titles. The ladies fall throatfirst on the middle ropes. Grins on their faces, Tony and Dan cock their hands back... ...SLAP! The crowd OOHs, stunned Black T had the balls to slap Krista's and Alix's exposed butts. The sting of being hit from behind with the tag titles now gone, Krista's and Alix's faces light up in rage. Dan and Tony point at COD, laughing at them. COD rise back to their feet. For a brief second, everything pauses. TIGHT SHOT shows COD staring deep into the eyes of Black T, the world class tag team now realizing their mistake. The females in the crowd cheer wildly, as Black T's eyes open wide. We zoom out of the tight shot and see Krista and Alix mistaking their hands for tongs and Tony's and Dan's balls for meatballs. COD squeeze Black T's balls tighter and tighter with each passing second, the looks on the faces of Dan and Tony show pain and mild enjoyment, moreso pain, but still a bit of enjoyment. COLE The question is: Why aren't Black T wearing cups? I can understand why Dan isn't, because he isn't wrestling, but how come Tony isn't? CABOOSE Oh, come on, Cole. The way you zoom in on Tony's crotch when he's wrestling, you should know why; there isn't a cup big enough for it. COACH Now that I think about -- and we all know how much The Coach thinks about it -- a women's vagina kinda looks like a cup. So when a guy pen-- COLE COD let go of Black T's groins and nail each man with a DOUBLE DROPKICK. DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE sends "The Ice Heart" to the outside. Krista and Alix Irish whip Tony "T-Bod" Brannigan. DOUBLE HIPTOSS! T-Bod gets back up, clutching his back due to the double hiptoss and gets caught by a RUNNING ENZURIGI from Alix. Spezia slides out of the ring. Tony stumbles into the arms of Krista, who rolls him up in a SMALL PACKAGE! 1... 2... KICKOUT! Krista whips T-Bod to the corner. Back bodydrop. Brannigan quickly gets back up, only to go right back down with a beautifully executed ARMDRAG. T-Bod slams his fist on the mat in frustration as he gets back up and charges Isadora. She takes him down again with an armdrag, this time clamping on an ARMBAR. Dan and Alix shout encouragement to their partners. Dan telling Tony he has everything under control, even though it's clearly the opposite, and Alix telling Krista she really, really, really has Tony hurting...a lot. COLE Krista really taking it to Tony early on. We've heard he likes it rough, but this is probably too rough for him. CABOOSE This shouldn't even be happening. Tony should be in Washington celebrating his good friend's inauguration, instead he's stuck in Canada wrestling a woman. I know Jivin' J.R. is terribly disappointed he won't be meeting Dick Army. Krista shrieks as Tony tries to snapmare her over by using her hair, but referee Earl Hebner warns him about the hair pulling. T-Bod rises to his feet and takes Duncan down with a DROP TOEHOLD, floating over the top into a SIDE HEADLOCK -- but Krista counters it into a HAMMERLOCK. "Damn it," Tony yells, once again pounding the mat in frustration. Krista drives the knee into the arm and adds further pressure to the hammerlock. T-Bod rises to one knee, and he damn sure isn't about to propose, but he does sweep Krista off her feet...with a LEG SWEEP. Tony misses an elbow drop. Wristlock applied by K.I.D. She wrenches the arm and goes underneath, trying to apply further pressure but Brannigan nails her with a STIFF CLOTHESLINE. Tony bounces off the ropes and drops the forearm into the chest of Duncan, dangerously close to the throat, prompting another warning from referee Hebner. Tony "The Body" Brannigan, a.k.a. T-Bod, faces the hard camera and flexes his biceps, then goes into his "Ravishing" Rick Rude hip swivel tribute. He then turns his back to Alix and CLINCHES HIS BUTTOCKS TOGETHER! CABOOSE Look at her. She's liking it. COLE What's Tony going to do next? Giggle his pecs? On cue, Tony giggles his pecs at Alix, smooching towards her. COLE Yeah -- no respect. CABOOSE I hope she has this TiVo'd. My personal assistant Herman Oscar Orlando Franklin was telling me how Alix has this whole Olsen Twins-frog-face-thing going on; this may be the last time a man ever makes a pass at her. COACH Kinda like whenever Roger Moore kissed a girl. Everytime Sir Roger kissed a girl, he sucked his face in. You know Roger Moore's The Saints biggest fan? And The Saints used to be the muses of COD. COLE Are you going to go six degrees on us? COACH Six degrees? The Coach can barely count over 3, let along 6, baby. Although I know more 0's equal more money. And The Coach loves the money. Brannigan scoopes Krista up and slams her hard to the mat. Tony look at Alix and sarcastically sings "Everytime I think about you I touch myself." Alix jumps on the apron, not at all thrilled with Brannigan's advancements towards her. While Earl Hebner keeps Spezia from entering the ring, DAN BLACK climbs to the top rope. CABOOSE Oh, my God, Tony can sing, too! Is there anything this man can't do? Tony eggs on Alix, making sure Dan has enough time to do what he has to do and get out. Alix goes nuts trying to tell Earl what's going on behind him. DIVING HEADBUTT OFF THE TOP! Black slides out of the ring, selling the blow off the headbutt and then raises his arms in victory as Tony makes the cover. 1... 2... KICKOUT! CROWD: The women cheer for the kickout and the men do to but mostly because it looked like Krista was about to pop out of her shirt. COLE She kicked out! YEAH! YEAH! SHE KICKED OUT! COACH She popped out to! Holla! Tony waste no time in continuing to punish Krista, pounding her forehead with his fists while screaming, "You wanna be in the ring with men? Well I'm gonna treat you like a man now, bitch!" Brannigan hoists K.I.D. on his shoulders and places her on the top turnbuckle. T-Bod climbs on the second rope but is caught surprised when Krista KISSES him on the LIPS. COLE It's like everybody is frozen in time. Tony is stunned. The crowd is stunned. Dan is stunned. Alix is stunned. Finally somebody does something -- Krista shoves Tony down to the mat. She balances herself on the top rope as Brannigan gets back to his feet. FLYING CROSSBODY BLOCK! 1... 2... NO! Krista picks Tony up by his hair. LOW BLOW! But it has no effect on Krista. She laughs at T-Bod, who responds by KICKING her between the legs. Now, that one hurt. GUTWRENCH SUPLEX. Cover made. 1... 2... KRISTA KICKS OUT! "That's it," Brannigan says, as he whips K.I.D. to the ropes. OUT OF BODY EXPER-- No, it's countered into a SMALL PACKAGE. 1... 2... KICKOUT! Krista front facelocks T-Bod and takes him up in the air. FISHERMAN'S SUPLEX! 1... 2... T-BOD KICKS OUT AGAIN! Tony misses a big right, Krista wraps her arms around his neck and drives him down to the mat. THE SWEETEST THING (Reverse Facebuster)! She hooks the legs. 1... CUE: "GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER" COLE Za--Zack Malibu's music is playing, and I have no idea why. Everybody is distracted, including the referee. Alix's picked up a chair. Krista is calling out Zack, but he's nowhere to be been. Wait a minute... T-Bod tried to jump Krista from behind, but she moved out of the way and Irish whipped -- no, T-Bod counters the Irish whip attempt and sends Duncan to the corner. Krista SPRINGBOARDS to the second turnbuckle and dives off with a FLYING CROSSBODY B-- OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE!Tony caught her in mid-air and took her on an OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE! Tony and Krista land in an awkward postion (i.e., missionary postion). CABOOSE Heh. How long do you think it's been since Krista has been on her back...with a man on top? 1... 2... Alix throws the chair down and enters the ring, in an attempt to break up the pin. But will she make it on time? She DIVES... 3! ...but she's too late. Tony slides out of the ring and meets Dan outside, with the belts. Dan draps the title across the shoulders of Tony and high-five. Dan looks directly into the camera and says: "The best in the whole damn world!" * DING DING DING DING * BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner... TONY "T-BOD" BRANNIGAN! COLE It went back-and-forth but in the end it was Tony Brannigan who came out on top. I'm sure The Original Elite will hope for the same result on January 30 live on pay-per-view when they defend their OAOAST tag team titles against Chicks Over Dicks. (We cut to the back, where Bill Watts is sitting in his office. Watts hears a knock on the door, and says "Come on in.") Watts rises from his seat with a look of surprise on his face, as the camera pans over to show none other than ALFDOGG walk into the office! This gets an enormous pop from the crowd, which hasn't seen Alf in several months. Watts: "Well, long time, no see, Alfdogg. How can I help you?" Alfdogg: "Bill...Mr. Watts...I've come upon some rough times. Ever since I left the OAOAST, I've been in a downward spiral. I'm even close to bankruptcy now. What I'm trying to ask you is for one more chance on the roster. Give me that, and I know I can get my life back on track." Watts: "I don't know, Alf...if I recall, you attempted one of these comebacks a while back, only to disappear on us again." Alfdogg: "Come on, Bill...this is something I really need...it may be my only hope." Watts thinks for a few seconds, and then says "OK, I'll give you one last chance." Alfdogg: "Oh, thank you, Mr. Watts, thank you. What do I have to do?" Watts: "Oh, not much...just beat 14 other OAOAST superstars in the Royal Rumble in 10 days. You go out there and win the Royal Rumble, and you got your spot back. You lose...you start right from the beginning. You come in, just like a rookie, and you work your way back up the card just like everyone else." Alfdogg: "Watts, you know as well as anyone that I have my greatest success when I'm backed into a corner. So here you go...I'm GUARANTEEING victory in that Royal Rumble...and if not, I'll officially retire from the OAOAST, and you'll never see me in that ring again." Watts: "Sounds like a deal...we'll see you on the 30th, then?" Alfdogg: "Damn right you will." Alf shakes Watts' hand and leaves the office, as the camera shows Watts watching on. CABOOSE I thought he died. Strange. Time for a break! (GO TO BREAK) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted January 21, 2005 (edited) (RETURN FROM BREAK) (We see the two men in suits from earlier about to leave the building. Macho Man is following them, out of breath and trying to get their attention.) MACHO MAN Wait up! SUIT #2 We don’t have time for this. MACHO MAN Do you guys work for any record companies? I have a demo tape and it’s off the chain…ooooh yeah! SUIT #1 We don’t work for a record company. We are lawyers and we work for the firm of Williams & Horn. (The men leave and Macho Man looks dejected.) COLE Did that man just say Williams & Horn!? COACH Uh oh! We’ve got trouble. COLE What were they doing here!? What kind of business proposal would they have for the OAOAST? COACH I don’t know, but it can’t be good. -phhhhhbppt phbbpt cut to the back- "No, Calvin, you're doing it next week." Calvin Szechstein and a man in a suit are standing in a room, alone. The room is dimly lit, and the man, despite his businessman getup, has four inches and forty pounds on the trim Szechstein -- who doesn't look too happy. "What do you mean I'm doing it next week?" "You are doing it next week, Calvin, or we're dropping your sponsorship. Do you understand me?" Calvin sighs. "Yes, sir." "Good man. The suit will be in your mailbox Wednesday night. If I don't see you wearing it on Thursday... you're done with us." -phhhhhhhbpt back to the ring- The pulsing earthquakian (that’s not a word!) beats of N*E*R*D’s Truth or Dare ooze out of the speakers altering the fans to the arrival of one of the OAOAST’s least favorite personalities, Candie! COLE Fans it’s just been announced that Candie will face Holly-Wood at Anglepalooza for the OAOAST Women’s Title! Exciting! COACH Is it a bra and panties match? COLE No. COACH Not exciting! Exuding arrogance, Candie heads to the ring while the fans attempt to degrade the self proclaimed Queen Of HeldDOWN with tautns! She gives them a cocky twirl, but as her body turns towards the entrance stage she’s blasted in the face with a hard punch from the Women’s Champion, Holly-Wood! Candie drops down to the floor, her self absurdness tumbling in a free fall! COLE What the hell? We saw that Candie jumped Holly-Wood last week, but no one expected Holly to be back this week to get her revenge! Exciting! COACH That’s the second time you said that word. Lost your thesaurus? The audience, now on their feet, shift their mood from anger to joy as it appears Candie is about to receive the beat down she so desperately deserves! Clad in leather pants and a leather biker jacket, Holly roughly pulls an alarmed Candie into a front face lock! Zack’s better half finds lines of worry sprouting up on her face! Panic gnaws at her with an intense fierceness and she tries her damndest to break Holly’s hold! But the lock is applied tighter then a vice grip and escape proves to be maddingly impossible. Holly flings her own body backwards, sending Candie into the steel ramp with a snap suplex! CABOOSE Just a snap suplex. No big deal. She can still fight back. Letting Caboose know that he spoke to soon, Holly rolls to her feet, with a hurting Candie cradled in her arms. Fear shrouds Candie face as her mind races through the sickening possibilities of the pain Holly can bring to her. Without offering so much as a smile, a smirk or a frown, Holly drops to the ground and spikes Candie’s head into the ramp with a PERCUSSION DDT! The thud from Candie’s head hitting the floor is absolutely appalling and a few members of the audience close their eyes, not wanting to witness this disturbing spectacle. COLE MY STARS AND GARTERS! CANIDE IS DOWN! DDTed into THE FLOOOOOR! COACH We’re talking about a Jake the Snake DDT here! Damn! What kind of training does Arista records give its employees? The production department, thinking this assault is coming to an end kicks up Holly’s entrance music Another Body Murdered Candie’s physical well being lies in pathetic shreds, but her unsympathetic attacker shows no remorse and zero mercy. The red headed champ grabs Candie by her thick dark blond hair and drags her to her feet. Rage rising within her, neck muscles begin to emerge from Holly’s body betraying her plain expression. Candie puts up a futile fight but Holly continues to drag her to the top of the entrance stage! The fans are abuzz, unsure of what level of carnage they are about to witness. And anyone looking gonna' get that ass killed I'm livin' like a criminal and criminal I be And I'm respected in the hood like a 'G' But if they think I'm blasted then they gone I'm takin' off they're head with a motherfuckin' chrome COLE WHAT’S SHE GOING TO DO? CABOOSE Not you, that’s for sure. Holly points to her arctic cold grey eyes then to the sliding entrance door in front of her. Candie whimpers a plea for mercy, but her cry is drowned out by the incredibly loud noise of the energetic fans. COLE OH NO! Holly stuffs Candie between her legs and lifts her onto her shoulders. Camera flashes fill the air and are joined by timorous shouts of “Oh My God!”! Holly’s body trembles underneath her enemy’s surprising body weight, sweat leaks out of every pore in body and her face flames with a furious crimson matched only by the blood red of hair! Candies screams for help only fuel Holly’s sadistic determination for revenge. COACH SHE WON’T! SHE WON’T! HOLLY POWER BOMBS CANDIE THROUGH THE ENTRANCE DOOR! CABOOSE SHE DID! SHE DID! “HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!” Shout the shocked fans along with Coach! Candie’s broken body lies pitifully still amidst the broken multi colored remains of the entrance door. The door which had a very psychedelic design, makes it look like Candie just crashed through a rainbow. Road Agents, running faster then they ever have in their life, rush to the young woman’s aid, but Holly halts their rescue attempt with murderous haymakers! Each one drops to the floor, with pieces of glass digging into their arms and creating small cuts forcing the current scene into warzone status. COLE I don’t believe what I just saw! Apparently, Holly isn’t done with the defeated woman. Candie’s injured state feeding her insatiable thirst for vengeance, Holly picks up the sharp yellow piece of the wrecked entrance door. Holding Candie’s fate in one hand and a shimmering tool of destruction in the other, Holly bends over her foe. As usual she sports a blank expression, which is even more disgusting and perverse then an angry one. Searching for these fools while stepping cross the squares Cause they can't hide and hide and that's real And what you just witnessed with your eyes got ta' kill.... .....another body murdered..... COLE GOOD GOD! SHE CAN NOT DO THIS! CABOOSE ARE YOU GOING TO BE THE ONE TO STOP HER? “HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!” Holly prepares to carve her initials into Candie’s forehead, but her hand is thankfully caught by a modern day superman in Logan Mann! Holly’s eyes narrow into dangerous slits as she stares daggers right into Logan’s very soul. “Don’t do this!” Logan screams, his voice shaking, polluted with fright for his own safety. COACH Listen to the man! He’s talking sense! Holly yanks her hand away from Logan. For a split second it looks she might revisit her harrowing effort to carve up Candie. But good judgement prevails and she casually tosses the shard to the ground as though the thought of slitting Candie from ear to ear never entered her mind. Logan, who believed that he’d be the recipient of a stabbing, lets out a lengthy sigh of relief as his shoulders sink far bellow his neck. I testify that the fool will have to lose Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E. gotta keep it low Cause the brother that was shot with my motherfuckin Uz..ooooh.. COLE Folks, never in my life. Never in my life. Turn me up.....I had to get it together to watch a body get murdered..ehh ......I had to get it together to watch a body get murdered. I had to get it together to watch a body get murdered (FADE TO BLACK) Edited January 21, 2005 by Chuck Woolery Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
