Guest Report post Posted May 11, 2002 I really hate the WWE. I used to really hate the WWF- but then they changed their name. It's not some grandstand elitist shit I'm pulling. I used to really love WCW and they were just as purile and insipid and moronic as the WWE. Go figure. Maybe it's the whole stinking heap of complete artless shit that WWE shoots for that is so far removed from what I like in wrestling. Who knows? Anyway, I love Phil Schneider like a brother/son/cute runaway teenage boy in the alley, so when he wanted to bring back the Workrate Reports (which was a concoction of the Great Canadian Patriot- Ollie Postlethwaite, from way back when), I said sure. I was hoping to get a show that was something easy and quasi-Worldwide-like such as Metal. I couldn't ever figure out when they show it in Richmond so HELLLOOOOOO SMACKDOWN! We'll ease into this and I'll try not to be a dick. Oh fuck that. I'm a dick. Okay, I'll prolly hate everything because I haven't watched this shit (big league US wrestling) in two years, so bear with me while reacquaint myself with this tripe. WHAT WORKED: - The Hurricane and Al Snow skit was fun. It was like watching those GLOW Hee Haw sections at the end of the GLOW run. Boy, that Ninotchka was a prime piece of Soviet ass. CAN I GET AN AMEN?! - Chuck and Billy whip out their sweet asses in highlight form and I know one guy in Virginia Beach who appreciated the effort. If I were actually a man who loved other men, I woulda toasted one. Yeah sure. We're all adults here secure in our menhoods. Yes. Yes, we are.... - D-Von vs HHH was fun. D-Von has a peppy little offense, throwing a good Elbow Drop. HHH sold the damage of the beatdown from the opening- in that he sold D-Von's offense like a Main Eventer should sell for the undercard guy in the same situation. Deacon Bautista was actually fun on the outside hitting his spots with aplomb. The ending was effective, I guess. There you go. - Billy and Chuck come out with Ricky Rachtman? Al Snow and Maven and Rikishi! THINK OF ALL THE MALE ASS! I'm all chipper just thinking about it. Rikishi looks great. Being twice the size of his former SST combined didn't effect his ability to work like a motherfucker for being such a big big fat guy- plus he will still bump like a fucking freak. Palumbo rocks it with the punches and the suplexes. They shoulda kept Maven out of the match more. Al Snow looked like shit. He should try to wrestle more like he did against Benoit in ECW in 1995. Or like he did against Osamu Nishimura in that warehouse in 1995. I'm kidding, of course. I'm glad you can pay the mortgage, Mr Snow. God knows you paid your dues back in the day. NOT ENOUGH MALE ASS. - Lance Storm isn't nearly as good as when Yuji Yasuraoka was carrying him in the WAR Junior Heavyweight Division but this was a good little match against Randy Orton. The Hardcore Holly as ref was pretty retarded. Lance with the Cravate was cool. Orton needs to get on the gas. Maybe sucking on HHH sweaty t-shirts would do the trick. Orton looked greeen and the finish was complete shit. LANCE~! and the RUN-INS~! WOW~! C'mon Lance, be a man and regrow the mullet rattail combo. That was balls out. - I can't figure out if Edge assuming the roll of Dave EVAD Sullivan was a good thing or a bad thing. An Evad Sullivan run-in would be a SWERVE that I could get into for a few minutes. Bring him in, get the obscure internet pop, send him over to Europe for a tour and fire him when he gets back. OO-OO! OR OR HAVE EDGE AND EVAD TAG TOGETHER AS THE HULKAMANIAC MACHINES 2002 AND THEN HAVE HOGAN GIVE EVAD A PET RABBIT! EDGE WOULD BE a.)JEALOUS OF THE RABBIT GIFT and b.) ALLERGIC TO THE RABBIT! I AM MOTHER FUCKING TORQUED~~! Yes, Edge the Hulkamaniac works. WHAT DIDN'T WORK: - Attitude and Entertainment? That sounds like something that Rod at Big Entertainment from the DEVO movies would say. "You're ready for the barrelroom! I'm not telling you what to DO, I'm telling you what you're DOING." DDT has better graphics than Smackdown and if this was DDT, Vince McMahon would sing a standard show tune to kick off the show. - Stacy Kiebler walks out to start off the show and a million fat 38 year old virgins blow semen all over their Dr Who figurines. Gooey and pungent! -Vince talks a while. Stacy bends over a lot for Vince and the crowd says "what?" quite a bit. They kinda recycle the Steve Austin vs McMahon angle but with HHH assuming the role of Austin. En Lieu of chugging a Stevieweiser, he seems to have taken just really really large amounts of steroids. Like a whole bunch. It all seems to be pointing to a HHH vs Vince match. HHH isn't Austin on the STICK~! so this keeps a-dragging on for a while. HHH throws punches of sheer LUGEROCITY on the Vince Squad before succumbing to a beatdown. Jericho walks out and smacks HHH around a bit and HHH hits a Hogan-level bladejob- I'm assuming it would be more of a manly bladejob but the green ooze that coats the inside of HHH's radiative skin tends to heal cuts very quickly. One day he woke up and a third thumb was growing out of his forehead. It was very muscular. HHH gets over Jericho's finisher a bit and we have a main event. - Tajiri is a man's man and keeps his bitch at bay. The Hurricane match held promise- as Tajiri being a poor man's 1996 Ohtani is kinda okay. The finish involving a woman in her underwear would have been better if I didn't have access to women with actual asses on the internet. And you know kids- this is a life lesson- if you jack off to the internet, you can be done in 15 minutes and you would have the other hour and forty-five minutes to weatch something good- like AAA from Mexico. At least if you are going to try to attract the teenage retarded sexuallity demographic- at least watch stuff aimed at the openly HOMOSEXUAL teenage retarded sexuality demographic. It's far more Carney and far less pathetic when your girlfriend walks in. The latent homosexuality of the WWE is so beyond sheer pansy-assed. I can't imagine why this company is going straight down the terlit. - Mark Henry vs Test wasn't good. Test throws really shitty punches. His lariats aren't bad. Henry's aren't good- as he is quite the Hercules Hernandez '02. Test is almost the new Brian Lee until he hits a nice Flying Elbow. The finish sucked shit and made them both look like pussies. I need to go back and compare, but I think Ice Train vs Scott Norton 2 out of 3 on WCW Saturday- WHERE THEY WENT BROADWAY ONCE- might have been more compelling. Maybe I need to get used to ridiculously short matches again. - Kurt Angle's PROMO~! fell flat because Edge's baldness made him look the singer of System Of A Down and those young chicks dig that look, right? What with the piercings, the tattoos, and those funny pants that make you look like the singer for Grand Funk Railroad. BACK IN MY DAY! Angle looked like George Foreman after the computer enhancement. What could be better than that? Forman knocked down Joe Motherfucking Frazier 6 times to win the World Heavyweight Title. This didn't really start enclosing it's mouth on the giant penis of suck until Hulk Hogan came out. Angle sells for Hogan like Kawada sold for Baba in 98. As for the creepy pops for Hogan, it's the North. We had Flair in 85. It's all good when thinking in retrospect. - The main event was an odd assortment of sizes and skills. Hogan's punches were SOOOOOOO fucking horrible but he has a nice elbow drop. Angle bounces around the ring like a young Ricky Morton but then throws the Released Belly to Belly that Morton never threw. Angle is such a bump freak. The second heaviest guy in the match shouldn't take the fattest bumps. Jericho's offense looked pathetic. Somebody should sit him down and tell him that his kicks suck. Edge is a victim of a HEAT SEGMENT~! which is smart considering Hogan's has Murder She Wrote episodes on videotape at home. Hogan wags his finger and says in his mind as it goes back and forth, "Americans- Are-Stupid. Americans-Are-Stupid". Then HHH runs in with a slege hammer and ruins the whole thing. God, this sucked. Then McMahon and HHH get on the stick and I deeply cannot give a shit at this point. THERE YOU HAVE IT. DEAN RASMUSSEN. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
