Wwe smackdown workrate report- 5/16/2002

[Guest]

Oh geez, I can barely move. My wife made the Mexican Casserole and I`m chockfull of cheese, and beef and lettuce and salsa. Mmmm cheese... Then me n` the kids had a big batch of Vanilla Bean ice cream with that chocolate syrup that hardens into a shell. WOOOOOOOOO! Lemme put on my sweatpants! We`ll see how much of my overly large dinner is blown onto the living room rug as the WWE unravels this weeks SPORTS~! ENTERTAINMENT~! bonanza upon you- the gentle reader- and I- your long-suffering reviewer. But hope SPRINGS eternal that this will be a new night! A night of fabulous pro wrestling!

 

WHAT WORKED

 

- Vince fixing to blow a caustic old-man greenish load onto Stacey before almost nuzzling her boobies was a slice of reality TV that we in the masses of wrestling should see. I mean- WAS IT A SHOOT!?!?!

 

- Lance Storm was better when Yuji Yasuraoka was doing the heavy lifting for him in the Junior tagteam division of WAR but- here- he and Bob Sparkplug Holly have a good little match with your Big Valbowski and young Randy Orton. Orton whips out the European Uppercuts which I always give mad phat props to. Lance bumps all over the ring for Valbowski- the same Valbowski that throws punches as shitty as you will ever see a few seconds later. Orton basically no-selling the Superkick for the reversal into a win further indicates that the Storm push will be a later on down the road....

 

- Hulk Hogan is physically degenerating into a complete physical freak. With that helmet on, Hulk Hogan looks like an ape drawn by Jack Kirby. Possibly from Kamandi- Last Boy On Earth. Hopefully, he will degenerate into more like a Moonboy from Devil Dinosaur level of Living Kirbyism. And he`s limping because his hip has no calcium left! C`MON, COLE! HE`S BEEN MAINLINING STEROIDS FOR 20 YEARS NOW.

 

- D-Von vs Maven was very okay wrestling. D-Von sold the DDT like he was back in a three way with Bubba Ray against The Bad Breed and the Eliminators- in that he sold it like a particularly peppy hiptoss. It wasn`t very long and D-Von`s finisher is perfectly fine.

 

- Midgets fucking hot chicks is what this world needs far more of, wouldn`t you say? If the Camera Midget gets to ply young Stacy with his odd, possibly malformed love, I will back this play of the WWE 100%. We will all party and freak out just like we all did when we found out that furry Mexican midget freak Alushe was doing the Donkey Dance with a Mexican supermodel. Ah, those were good times. Midget MOUNTING FACE With PICTURES! AWESOME.

 

- Kurt Angle fucking rules and made the main event. Jericho looks better this week than last week- his kicks sucked but the Locomotion Vertical Suplexes was fun. Angle is suplextastic and the toprope Belly-to-Belly was fucking balls out. Edge was a good Ricky Morton in the match and HHH is a better Robert Gibson because he has an actual feared offense. The ending was all fun with everybody hitting their finishers before the BOOKING~! kicked in. Even the booking didn`t really affect the finish as the ref bump didn`t facilitate anyone with a sledge hammer running in. This was good. HHH looked all tough and shit bralwing into the crowd. There is hope yet for this god-forsaken show.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK

 

- BOY! Hogan was over in Montreal. They must all still remember him putting over Jacques Rougeau in Montreal for no apparent reason in 1996. His PROMO~! was like the ending of BRAZIL- what with him living in his own little dream world to escape the horrible real world. Sorry, grampa, the Professional Wrestling that IIIIIIII was raised watching reflected reality and helped you deal with realty. Some people were good, some people were bad, either could win so the fight never ended. As a child, that lesson helped me through life and smartened me up to the ways of reality more than about anything else. This whole angle is ugly. If it was Hogan as a delusional old man, I would be behind it- but the rubes are popping like freaks so it won`t be compelling or anything because he has no reason to be delusional, he`s still over. Vince vs Hogan is more fun than HHH vs Vince though just because these two gigantic assholes have such a history of ruining wrestling together to lean on and make it all weighty.

- There is nothing I hate more than a Cruiserweight three-way. Tajiri vs Kidman vs Hurricane was pretty much 3-way by numbers: the double team, the FALSE ALLIANCE!, the endless saves. This was basically a short string of finishers. God, that was a THREE MINUTE 3-way. Welcome to the worst of all possible worlds. Hurricane vs Kidman on PPV should be good. This ain`t.

 

- Rikishi rules it. Look at that sell of the clothesline. The Old School Belly-to-Belly. BUT! This was too short and Rico`s punches are fucking horrible. Plus: No naked male ass, no Worked column. Know naked male ass, know Worked column.

 

- HHH on the stick will not make anyone- me in particular- forget about Arn Anderson on the stick. It`s kinda like comparing Al Gore giving a speech to Jesse Jackson giving a speech. I don`t know what these guys need to do. i mean shit- go to the sources. Listen to some Gospel preachers and bring it to the stick like Dusty used to. ECW bonehead oratory stylings is so 1996. Doesn`t anybody try to sound sinister anymore? I mean Arn and Jake the Snake never had to go above a whisper and they were a thousand times more menacing than these bellowing yahoos. The opening was really shitty and obvious and shitty and obvious and shitty. Edge is all insectavoir in the close-ups and communtiy-theatre crappy on the stick. The crowd says ``what?`` alot. God, these are the worst angles in the history of wrestling. They should rewatch some MidSouth or get a GAEA tape or something and steal some ideas. The Edge vs Angle hair vs hair reminds of the classically shitty Bret Hart vs Jerry Lawler Kiss-My-Foot Match in set up and banal pay-off. Get some EMLL tapes to learn how to build up a hair vs hair match. Fuck, ask Eddy Guerrerro, he`s right there. He could hip them to Eddy/Love Machine Art Barr vs El Hijo Del Santo/ Octagon. As for more oratory criticism, Jericho later in the show tries to be menacing before getting into his Ayatollah Of Rockinrolla schpeil. God, Ric Flair is right there and I`m sure he would give him some insight on how to appear genuinely motivated to beat someone`s ass. Instead, it`s like an audition for Rock`s spot as main catchphrase reciTOR. Where`s the heart? Where`s the hate? It`s fucking professional wrestling, make me give a shit about you wanting to beat someone`s ass so I can enjoy it with you when you do.

 

- Speaking of shitty oratory, D-Von is supposed to be a Gospel Preacher? I don`t know about where you live, but Black Gospel Preachers in Richmond, Virginia are some of the greatest oratory masters you will ever hear. D-Von stumbles over his word and delivers his crappy lines with no conviction. The Black Gospel Preachers I know are ones like A Lincoln James. When I was a wayward young man, backsliding and going against my Southern Baptist upbringing by going out and drinking and dancing and disappointing as many young ladies as possible with my pathetic attempts at loving, after NWA Worldwide, they would show A Lincoln James sermon from the week before and- when he would get the part where he would go into a trance and just rhytmically spout scripture and speak of the love of God and rebuke sinners for falling short of the glory of God- fuck- in a drunken 25 year old`s stupor, I would almost denounce my wicked ways and write my name in the Lamb`s book of life and avoid the White Thrown of Judgement! Rock of Ages CLEFT FOR ME! ONE GLAD MORNING WHEN THIS LIFE IS O`ER, I`LL FLY AWAY! Then I would sober up and forget all about it and get a 40 of Crazy Horse and mount a magenta-sporting art chick. Anyway, D-Von`s gimmick is horrendous compared to what it`s amazingly half-assedly trying to imitate and it annoys me.

 

- Funaki assumes the role of a bulletin board. I liked it better when he assumed the role of participant in 4 star wrestling matches. But I`m fucking buck wild, Daddy.

 

- It was hot in Montreal and Tory and Stacy could poke their aveolis and cool the crowd of with some cool refreshing saline housed in their gigantic fake titties. Instead they go for cockblock heat by having Tajiri come out. Trish vs Stacy wasn`t indicative of this new strongstyle of wrestling the Divas are doing now, is it? When I see women who have forsaken nature to appeal to the groinular urgings of 13 year olds I feel the urge to quote the Confederate Mack- Real Wrestling, Real Titties, Real Drunk. Ain`t none of that here. Can I get a FUCKIN-A!?

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

I am just wondering DEAN,

 

Is the fact that your WORKRATE reports have 10% to do with WORKRATE and 90% to do with absolutely nothing at all, a reflection of the current state of the Wwf, or just personal style?

 

Needless to say, reading this gave me much more entertainment than watching Smackdown.

 

But you gotta admit, that was a pretty nice chokeslam by helms.

[Guest Vyce]

Dean, you rule the world for making the Kirby references.  Outside of the anemic comic book folder as well!

 

Personally, I thought the Camera Midget segment was pure bone-chilling terror, but that's just because I think all little people are inherently evil.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Heh heh.  Me likee these.

 

I also like that Tazz and Cole made ZERO reference to the midget.  It was just an everyday occurence, yeah.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

On the topic of Mikey Cole, does anyone put any stock into what this man thinks?  When he is 'impressed' with Deacon Battista (sp?) are we supposed to think that means something?

[Guest]

young RAVISHING RICK RUDO SEZ:

I am just wondering DEAN,

 

Is the fact that your WORKRATE reports have 10% to do with WORKRATE and 90% to do with absolutely nothing at all, a reflection of the current state of the Wwf, or just personal style?

 

DR: The matches aren't long enough to analyze too much and there is lots of dumb crap going on in between- so you add that to my tendency to ramble on about nothing and you have a match made in heaven.

 

Needless to say, reading this gave me much more entertainment than watching Smackdown.

 

DR: Why thank you.  I passed up free tickets to Star Wars to write this.  Not that I wanted to go or anything...

 

But you gotta admit, that was a pretty nice chokeslam by helms.

 

DR: Oh, I love all three of those guys and I'm sure on PPV they will a good match with any two they put together.  This match sucked but the love is still there.   Heck, I saw Shane Helms jump off an army transport carrier through a table onto his neck in front of 120 people at an armoury in Southern Pines, NC when he was in OMEGA.  I'm glad he will live longer and get paid.  I await him actually wrestling because he could always go.

 

DEAN.

[Guest]

Dean, you rule the world for making the Kirby references.

 

DR: KIRBY WAS KING!

 

Outside of the anemic comic book folder as well!

 

DR: I blame myself.

 

Personally, I thought the Camera Midget segment was pure bone-chilling terror, but that's just because I think all little people are inherently evil.

 

DR: Oh come on.  Hot Midget/Hot Chick action! What coudl be hotter?  HOT!

 

DEAN.

[Guest]

Who are the Bad Breed?

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

I can't believe I forgot to say this...

 

DEAN!  How Could You!?

 

How could you tease us with this Mexican Casserole and not give us the goods...WHAT'S THE RECIPE MAN!  Don't leave us hanging here.

[Guest]

Who are the Bad Breed?

The Bad Breed was Axel and Ian Rotten and there were both gone by the time the Dudleys showed up- but I was on a roll and didn't let facts get in the way of a half-assed analogy.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Goodear]

As always, Dean brings the love and excitement that he does, although I feel it is missing in two very key elements 1) BIG LOTS and b) Rollie Pollie Mutha F'N Ollie.  Anyway...

 

Oh geez, I can barely move. My wife made the Mexican Casserole and I`m chockfull of cheese, and beef and lettuce and salsa. Mmmm cheese... Then me n` the kids had a big batch of Vanilla Bean ice cream with that chocolate syrup that hardens into a shell. WOOOOOOOOO!

 

Sweat mercy Dean, its times like this where I wish I could either make a kick ass Mexican Casserole or have someone make it for me.  I want a wife like yours, I don't suppose you would go in for that whole poligamy scam would you?

 

WHAT WORKED

 

- Lance Storm was better when Yuji Yasuraoka was doing the heavy lifting for him in the Junior tagteam division of WAR but- here- he and Bob Sparkplug Holly have a good little match with your Big Valbowski and young Randy Orton. Orton whips out the European Uppercuts which I always give mad phat props to. Lance bumps all over the ring for Valbowski- the same Valbowski that throws punches as shitty as you will ever see a few seconds later. Orton basically no-selling the Superkick for the reversal into a win further indicates that the Storm push will be a later on down the road....

 

Dean loves him some punches and he will call down the vengeance on all those that don't do it well.  I loved the early story in the match where Orton would keep getting blindsided because he was agressive and a rookie.  I think its pretty obvious that the push for Lance Storm isn't ever going to come, and giving up hope has made me more appreciative of watching him work.

 

- Hulk Hogan is physically degenerating into a complete physical freak. With that helmet on, Hulk Hogan looks like an ape drawn by Jack Kirby. Possibly from Kamandi- Last Boy On Earth. Hopefully, he will degenerate into more like a Moonboy from Devil Dinosaur level of Living Kirbyism. And he`s limping because his hip has no calcium left! C`MON, COLE! HE`S BEEN MAINLINING STEROIDS FOR 20 YEARS NOW.

 

I think its really funny that in his whole career, Hogan has never long term sold anything as much as he did tonight.... FOR AN INTERVIEW.  Anyway, Hogan doesn't have the hairline to play MoonBoy, perhaps the Albino Gorrilla version of the Ultra Humanite would be more appropriate.

 

- Kurt Angle fucking rules and made the main event. Jericho looks better this week than last week- his kicks sucked but the Locomotion Vertical Suplexes was fun. Angle is suplextastic and the toprope Belly-to-Belly was fucking balls out. Edge was a good Ricky Morton in the match and HHH is a better Robert Gibson because he has an actual feared offense. The ending was all fun with everybody hitting their finishers before the BOOKING~! kicked in. Even the booking didn`t really affect the finish as the ref bump didn`t facilitate anyone with a sledge hammer running in. This was good. HHH looked all tough and shit bralwing into the crowd. There is hope yet for this god-forsaken show.

 

All four guys ruled it like a funky monkey, everyone pulled their weight and had a hunky dory match of goodness.  Which I think people should be asking for TV main events.  The booking has fine as long as the cheating comes from the guys that are in the freaking match and not twenty lumberjacks or whatever.

 

- There is nothing I hate more than a Cruiserweight three-way. Tajiri vs Kidman vs Hurricane was pretty much 3-way by numbers: the double team, the FALSE ALLIANCE!, the endless saves. This was basically a short string of finishers. God, that was a THREE MINUTE 3-way. Welcome to the worst of all possible worlds. Hurricane vs Kidman on PPV should be good. This ain`t.

 

This was perfectly acceptable, although not balls out good.  I liked using the tornado bulldog to kick Hurricane off the top and the choke-slam finish (time for a cruiserweight finisher that doesn't involve a moonsault or something similar.)

 

- HHH on the stick will not make anyone- me in particular- forget about Arn Anderson on the stick. It`s kinda like comparing Al Gore giving a speech to Jesse Jackson giving a speech. I don`t know what these guys need to do. i mean shit- go to the sources. Listen to some Gospel preachers and bring it to the stick like Dusty used to. ECW bonehead oratory stylings is so 1996. Doesn`t anybody try to sound sinister anymore? I mean Arn and Jake the Snake never had to go above a whisper and they were a thousand times more menacing than these bellowing yahoos.

 

I don't know why new wrestlers always have to emulate the older guys.  Triple H probably knows he's no Anderson on the stick and so goes in another direction that he's at least competant at.  I'd like it if more guys were like Arn in the interview area, but I'd rather Austin take over that kind of role instead of Triple H.

 

As for more oratory criticism, Jericho later in the show tries to be menacing before getting into his Ayatollah Of Rockinrolla schpeil. God, Ric Flair is right there and I`m sure he would give him some insight on how to appear genuinely motivated to beat someone`s ass. Instead, it`s like an audition for Rock`s spot as main catchphrase reciTOR. Where`s the heart? Where`s the hate? It`s fucking professional wrestling, make me give a shit about you wanting to beat someone`s ass so I can enjoy it with you when you do.

 

You know what, I've hated Ric's interviews since forever.  He was always about hitting his catchphrases and going "Whooo".  He makes me sick like a dog.  You want someone to bring the hate, grab old Terry Funk and let him take them to school.  

 

- Funaki assumes the role of a bulletin board. I liked it better when he assumed the role of participant in 4 star wrestling matches. But I`m fucking buck wild, Daddy.

 

If by participant you mean, "The guy who stood on the apron while TAKA, Mens Teoh, Sasuki, Crab Face Naniwa, Old Man Hamada and DICK MUTHA FUCKIN' TOGO kicked ass" then I guess you are right.

 

- When I see women who have forsaken nature to appeal to the groinular urgings of 13 year olds I feel the urge to quote the Confederate Mack- Real Wrestling, Real Titties, Real Drunk. Ain`t none of that here. Can I get a FUCKIN-A!?

 

Man, if Stacy has fake chahumgahs she didn't get much for her money, cause the sister is flat.

[Guest]

I can't believe I forgot to say this...

 

DEAN!  How Could You!?

 

How could you tease us with this Mexican Casserole and not give us the goods...WHAT'S THE RECIPE MAN!  Don't leave us hanging here.

I blame myself.  My wife is 8 months pregnacious and decided she wanted Mexican Casserole so she got it by searching on Google.  It's actually BURRITO Casserole.  Here ya go:

 

Title:   Burrito Casserole

a pound of ground beef, a can of  tomato sauce, a 10-12 oz container of sour cream, a lot of shredded cheese a drained can of pinto beans , 3 or 4 tortillas and a package of dry taco seasoning. Preheat the oven to 350. Brown the ground beef in a skillet, mixing it with 1/2 of the taco seasoning. Mix the other half of the taco seasoning with the tomato sauce. Once this is done, layer the bottom of a round casserole dish with tortillas, and top it with a mix of 1/3 of the beans, 1/3 of  the sour cream, 1/3 of the cheese, 1/3 of the seasoned beef, and 1/3 of the tomato sauce, cover it with another tortilla...repeat this twice so you've got a triple layered casserole . The top layer should not be covered with a tortilla,  BTW. Cover the dish and bake (at 350) for about 30 mins.

----

DR: She made homemade guacemole and covered it with shredded lettuce.  Mmmmm... tomorrow morning will be an adventure in Jalapeno Pain...

 

DEAN.

[Guest]

I can't believe I forgot to say this...

 

DEAN!  How Could You!?

 

How could you tease us with this Mexican Casserole and not give us the goods...WHAT'S THE RECIPE MAN!  Don't leave us hanging here.

I blame myself.  My wife is 8 months pregnacious and decided she wanted Mexican Casserole so she got it by searching on Google.  It's actually BURRITO Casserole.  Here ya go:

 

Title:   Burrito Casserole

a pound of ground beef, a can of  tomato sauce, a 10-12 oz container of sour cream, a lot of shredded cheese a drained can of pinto beans , 3 or 4 tortillas and a package of dry taco seasoning. Preheat the oven to 350. Brown the ground beef in a skillet, mixing it with 1/2 of the taco seasoning. Mix the other half of the taco seasoning with the tomato sauce. Once this is done, layer the bottom of a round casserole dish with tortillas, and top it with a mix of 1/3 of the beans, 1/3 of  the sour cream, 1/3 of the cheese, 1/3 of the seasoned beef, and 1/3 of the tomato sauce, cover it with another tortilla...repeat this twice so you've got a triple layered casserole . The top layer should not be covered with a tortilla,  BTW. Cover the dish and bake (at 350) for about 30 mins.

----

DR: She made homemade guacemole and covered it with shredded lettuce.  Mmmmm... tomorrow morning will be an adventure in Jalapeno Pain...

 

DEAN.

[Guest]

Young GOODEAR SEZ:

 

As always, Dean brings the love and excitement that he does, although I feel it is missing in two very key elements 1) BIG LOTS and b) Rollie Pollie Mutha F'N Ollie.  Anyway...

 

DR: MAN! I haven't been to Big Lots in weeks.  I'm jonesing for the cajun potted meat and sweet sweet knock-off barbies...

 

DR: Oh geez, I can barely move. My wife made the Mexican Casserole and I`m chockfull of cheese, and beef and lettuce and salsa. Mmmm cheese... Then me n` the kids had a big batch of Vanilla Bean ice cream with that chocolate syrup that hardens into a shell. WOOOOOOOOO!

 

Sweat mercy Dean, its times like this where I wish I could either make a kick ass Mexican Casserole or have someone make it for me.  I want a wife like yours, I don't suppose you would go in for that whole poligamy scam would you?

 

DR: Hey! A third of the rent! You're in!  Seriously, marry 1/4 Italian women who cook better than  your mother.  It is the key to your lifelong happiness.  It is also the key to being a fat hog like I am.  But who can turn down pasta?  WHO?!

 

Dean loves him some punches and he will call down the vengeance on all those that don't do it well.

 

DR: It's one of the most important parts of wrestling.  Good punches are better than good highspots 24-7.

 

 I loved the early story in the match where Orton would keep getting blindsided because he was agressive and a rookie.  I think its pretty obvious that the push for Lance Storm isn't ever going to come, and giving up hope has made me more appreciative of watching him work.

 

DR: Well, he's gotta be cheesed that every Canadian in the company is getting pushed and he is the guy to put over the rookies.

 

I think its really funny that in his whole career, Hogan has never long term sold anything as much as he did tonight.... FOR AN INTERVIEW.  Anyway, Hogan doesn't have the hairline to play MoonBoy, perhaps the Albino Gorrilla version of the Ultra Humanite would be more appropriate.

 

DR: ULTRA HUMANITE! U ROK.

 

All four guys ruled it like a funky monkey, everyone pulled their weight and had a hunky dory match of goodness.  Which I think people should be asking for TV main events.  The booking has fine as long as the cheating comes from the guys that are in the freaking match and not twenty lumberjacks or whatever.

 

DR: Yeah, I had no beef with this match.  If it was ten minutes longer it could have been a great match.

 

This was perfectly acceptable, although not balls out good.  I liked using the tornado bulldog to kick Hurricane off the top and the choke-slam finish (time for a cruiserweight finisher that doesn't involve a moonsault or something similar.)

 

DR: It was just too frickin' short.  Give it eight minutes and make it a singles match to make the title change mean something.

 

I don't know why new wrestlers always have to emulate the older guys.  Triple H probably knows he's no Anderson on the stick and so goes in another direction that he's at least competant at.

 

DR: HHH doesn't sound like he wrestles- which is key.  He's all menacing and dangerous in the ring.  On the stick, he 's a bellowing yahoo.  He should emulate Jake the Snake- it would make HHH much more fun.

 

 I'd like it if more guys were like Arn in the interview area, but I'd rather Austin take over that kind of role instead of Triple H.

 

DR: Actually, I think Austin rules on the stick becuase he has emulated everybody we've mentioned.

 

You know what, I've hated Ric's interviews since forever.  He was always about hitting his catchphrases and going "Whooo".

 

DR: Nawwww, get Flair from 87 when he is getting across the importance of the NWA World Title?  You got a guy who can motivate folks to give a shit about who he is wrestling.  He was brilliant at instilling emotion into the fued and getting the opponent and the fued over.  He was godlike in that aspect.

 

 He makes me sick like a dog.  You want someone to bring the hate, grab old Terry Funk and let him take them to school.

 

DR: Ah! Terry Funk is the most underrated guy in the world when it comes to Compelling Oratory Skills By A Wrestler.  He was as good as Arn Anderson when he was on.  God, go rewatch the Cactus vs Funk feud from ECW.  Funk actually smokes Cactus head to head on the stick.  And the Cactus end of that was fucking brilliant.  And then watch the Memphis stuff with Lawler.  Brilliant.

 

If by participant you mean, "The guy who stood on the apron while TAKA, Mens Teoh, Sasuki, Crab Face Naniwa, Old Man Hamada and DICK MUTHA FUCKIN' TOGO kicked ass" then I guess you are right.

 

DR: HEY!  He did more than that! he wore the Adam and Ants facepaint!

 

Man, if Stacy has fake chahumgahs she didn't get much for her money, cause the sister is flat.

 

DR: I was on a self-righteous roll. Humor me.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Brian]

Hey Dean, have you seen the ROH three-way yet? Just wondering, because that match was just so out of the norm of three-ways.

[Guest]

Hey Dean, have you seen the ROH three-way yet? Just wondering, because that match was just so out of the norm of three-ways.

Not yet, but Schneider and Tom K went and said it was absolutely balls to the wall great.  With those three involved, I could see it.

 

DEAN.