"promo: all fun and games?" a classic promo.

[Guest realitycheck]

Yawn... boring morning.

 

Hey, y'all remember that whole 'IGNWF All-Stars' thing? No, I haven't forgotten, but since I got a new computer, all that I saved will have to be dug out again. So, I'll get around to that one of these lazy afternoons.

 

but...

 

I knew there was only one thing anyone would read in a Midnight Carnival compilation, anyhow. The original Caveman Chris stats, natch. Through some odd way, they managed to... ah... 'happen' after King posted one of his promos. It was pretty good, so I'll post that, too, before the stats.

 

Enjoy! Or something...

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

“PROMO

 

A car door slams and the man exits, trying to carry five twelve-packs at the same time with a notable lack of grace. He staggers to the door and kicks it with his foot in the poor man's knock...

 

*BANG BANG BANG*

 

There is absolutely no response from the interior. The man begins to mutter unmentionables to himself, his face still obscured by a stack of beer.

 

*BANG BANG BANG*

 

"A little help here guys?! Please?! GAH!" The man's fight against the shifting cases finally ends, as they fall in a heavy rain to the floor. One case begins to leak a thick foam as the man throws his hands in the air... it's Chris Raynor!

 

"Well, this is pretty much par for the course. Karma always bites my ass in the end. Win every match since FtF, destroy five cases of beer, almost certainly lose my pants at poker tonight." Chuckling to himself, Raynor tries the knob with his newly freed hands, allowing him entrance to the darkened room...

 

"Sorry about the beer guys, but I've still got four slightly dented ... cases... on... the... floor...?" Chris looks around confusedly at the room... where are the guys? Where's the card table? Where the hell is all the stuff?! There's nothing here but a chair facing the wall, a decrept lamp, a trashcan, a small table with some cans on it... and the recurring flit of cards as they fly through the air, into the trashcan.

 

Raynor enters the quiet room hesitantly. A voice from the chair speaks out tiredly... " I take it you didn't get my message?"

 

"Is that you, King? Why the melancholy prince schtick?" Raynor approaches the chair... "and where are the guys?"

 

The chair swivels, revealing the King of Hearts minus his carefree grin. "The guys aren't coming tonight because I cancelled Poker Night. Spark was supposed to phone you, but your batteries are probably dead, again." KoH smirks almost in spite of himself. "And the reenactment of Hamlet is because Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead, my dear Horatio." KoH gestures toward the table where two pictures are displayed prominently... one of the ML Midnight Carnival, with Spark, KoH, and Edwin MacPhisto all smiles and backflips for the camera... another of the first ever Poker Night, Raynor, MacPhisto, KoH, and Xstasy all looking annoyedly at a camera that is disrupting the free exchange of chips.

 

"You're drunk, King."

 

"I know. I'm also moody, bitter, and mired in a losing streak that would get a horse shot, but what the hey?" The cards resume flitting through the air toward the trash can with a steady rhythm. "I'm the King of Hearts! I'm the heart and soul of the Carnival! I'm the guy who never loses his smile, who never gives up, who never... aw, screw it." KoH looks at the pictures on the table with a sad smile, drunken tears at the doorway to his eyes... " I'm the guy who lost his two best friends the moment he stepped into the WF, and I haven't been the same since."

 

Raynor moves over to the chair, knocking some empty cans over as he moves... Chris reaches down and grabs the trash can, turning it over and setting it down before taking a seat. He looks up at the Gambling Man, who looks down at his depleted deck of cards. Raynor takes a moment, clearly uncomfortable about being in this situation... "King... man... I'm sorry. So much has been going on, what with Spark and me running roughshod over the tag division, and Mark dominating the ICTV race... I guess you've sort of slipped through the cracks." Raynor smiles, somewhat sheepishly.

 

"It's ok Chris. I wanted to slip through the cracks. I didn't want to drag you guys down with my problems while everything was going so great for you..."

 

Raynor smiles, knowing that the alcohol is loosening King's tongue. "Well, screw that buddy. I'm here now. Talk to me man." Raynor reaches out and grabs an unopened beer for himself, taking away KoH's with his other hand. "You get this back when you're done talking."

 

KoH sighs, eying his beer... "Chris... man... you don't know what it was like. When the Carnival first started, everything was going our way. I had lost the title, but I didn't care. Edwin used to joke that Spark was the hand, he was the voice, and I was the head... but we all knew better. Mac Daddy was the heart and soul of the Carnival even if he wasn't the lead singer. When I heard that we were moving up and he wasn't we were all disappointed, but we knew he'd be with us in a month and it'd be just fine. Heck it'd be even better, because we'd be with you and Stevens!" KoH wipes his eyes wearily with the back of his hand... "But then... then Edwin showed up after all, with Jayson. Jayson, of all people!"

 

Raynor nods sympathetically... "You felt betrayed. We all did. Except maybe Mark, who never got a chance to know him. But who could have predicted that Edwin would do it?"

 

KoH smiles tiredly at his friend. "I could have. Y'all forget, I was the first person Edwin met in the ML. I've been friends with him since that first ridiculous steadycam promo. Heck, I was correcting his grammar when he was still telling people that 'The Matrix/I has/have you!" KoH chuckles once again almost in spite of himself, but his face quickly fades back to numbness. "I should have known. The show was the thing to Edwin, much as it is to us. But the quickest way to Edwin's heart is with a spotlight... he'd do anything, sell his soul, his mother, his life... anything, just to be a part of the show. The poor silly bastard." KoH smiles again, almost in pity. "That is his weakness. Mine is caring too much. Spark's is his rage. Yours is your desire to stand for something bigger than yourself. Stevens is... well, I'm rambling. The point is I let Edwin down, but there was no way I could have known! That one wasn't my fault!"

 

"Whoa man... Brian... it's ok. No one said it was!" Raynor says in a quiet voice.

 

"I know. Still, I let him down. Even if I couldn't have known, I let him down as a friend and a stablemate by not being there for him when he needed me." KoH's eyes turn toward the cards scattered around the upturned trashcan...

 

"Sort of like I am now?" Raynor says, with a slight smirk. King meets his gaze again and a smile is drawn out of him almost by spite.

 

"Yeah smartass, sort of like you are now. Congratulations, you get the 'Good Stablemate" beer!" King throws a can half-heartedly at Raynor, who ducks it with ease. "Believe it or not though, I'm not that worried about Mac Daddy."

 

"Why's that?"

 

"Like it or not, Edwin's a grown man and can make his own decisions. Even the wrong ones. But X..."

 

Raynor nods understandingly. "I had a feeling he was at the root of this."

 

KoH nods in turn. "Xstasy... he's in a bad way, Chris."

 

Raynor snorts. "Think I don't know it? Guy has the mother of all martyr complexes along with delusions of apotheosis. He makes Reason/Harbi/War looks like the posterchild for well-adjusted wrestlers!"

 

"I hate to say it again man, but you don't know X like I do..." KoH continues.

 

"He's called Exodus now."

 

"Right," KoH says with a smirk. "Well, I might call myself Neilsen of the Jungle, but it doesn't make it f*cking well so, does it?! Sorry... but you don't know what he's been through these past few weeks! Man, his mother died! That woman was the only source of love and strength in his life other than his sister, and he won't take her calls anymore! The man is wandering around the hallways in a robe, saying he's the Son! Did he ever even talk about his father to you?!"

 

"Well, no... not really. I know that he wasn't exactly good."

 

"Damn straight he wasn't! His father was an abusive piece of sh*t! He terrified X! The only reason X turned out even halfway decent was because of his mother, and his sister!" KoH's head drops into his hands as he continues... "Dammit, Christienne has been calling me every night for two weeks now for updates on her brother, and he won't even see me much less talk to me! What am I supposed to tell her, Chris? That her brother has lost his mind from grief? I even tried to talk to Reason!"

 

"That must have been fun."

 

"He started spouting something from a fundamentalist Christian pamphlet, about how the Son would see me when heaven opened, but until the Son came to me I could not see the Son. Or something like that... hell, I forget. The time is not yet right or something."

 

"Creepy."

 

"It was. Like I was talking to the Jonestown Kool-Aid squad in person. But you see my point right? X has swum out past the shore, and he just keeps on swimming further and further out. Someone has got to do something, before it's too late."

 

"King... you're not a psychologist. This isn't the sort of problem you can handle in the ring! What can you possibly do?"

 

KoH looks defeated. For the first time in his short career it honestly seems that there is no hope, that the center cannot hold... "I don't know man... but I've got to do something. Even if it doesn't work." He sighs, obviously tired. "Chris... I'm going to hit the hay. Would you mind locking up on the way out?"

 

Raynor stands up, still obviously worried about his colleague. "Sure man. Not a problem. You sleep this off, and we'll see you at the venue tomorrow. You know you have a match right?"

 

KoH's eyes widen slightly. "I do?"

 

"Yep. Against a newbie. Andrea Montgomery."

 

KoH appears confused for a moment. "That is a woman, yes?"

 

Raynor smiles. "Yes, as the name Andrea generally indicates."

 

"Hmm... maybe things are looking up after all." KoH smiles tiredly.

 

Raynor makes his way to the door, pulling his coat back on....

 

"Oh, and Raynor?"

 

"Yes, O Despoiler of Innocent Women?"

 

"Cute. Take the beer with you, will you?"

 

END PROMO

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

So, after the promo, everybody makes comments. Chris, of course, signs his own death warrant…

 

“Guy has the mother of all martyr complexes along with delusions of apotheosis.

 

... riiiiiight ....

 

Seriously, awesome promo.”

-Raynor

 

“Alright Chris, next time you only use one syllable words. That'll show you. ”

-King

 

“PROMO: ME LIKE SMASH

 

"HI! I CHRIS! CHRIS RAYN--RAYN...CHRIIIIISSSS! WHEN I SEE MEN, I KILL! SMASH WOO SMASH CARDS CARDS PLAY! RED RED RED RED BOOOOOOOBS! DERRRR, CHRIS SMASH, CHRIS SMASH FIGHT! I LOVE KIRB! KIRBY!

 

WAHHHHHHHH TOO MUCH SOUNDS IN WORDS! BAHHHHHHHHHHHH! BEARS AND, AND, AND, GAHHHH, CHRIS SMASH!"

-Edwin

 

“Oh sweet Jesus... you've got a new gimmick Chris!”

-King

 

“I just had to open my god damn mouth...

 

Though if I ever require a gimmick change, I know the man to go to.”

-Raynor

 

Raynor, opening his mouth again, prompts Edwin to go and do THIS…

 

“New Stats: Chris "Caveman" Raynor.

 

Wrestling Style: SMAAAAAASH!

 

Entrance: 'Electra Made Me Blind' begins to play, but as soon as Art screams, "ART SMASH!" it changes into the Flintstones theme! Chris Raynor runs out from under the ramp in a leopard-skin caveman sarong, a ribbon of drool hanging from his mouth! Blue pyro erupts and Raynor moans like a stupid infant as the bright lights scare him. He stumbles into the ring and continues to drool, waving his trademark Big Wooden Club over his head.

 

Weapon of Choice: Christopher Walken--er, Big Wooden Club.

 

Signature Moves:

SMASH MK1 - CAVEMAN PUNCH!

SMASH MK2 - CAVEMAN HEADBUTT!

SMASK MK3 - CAVEMAN TWISTING SPRINGBOARD MOONSAULT...OF SMASH!

German suplex.

SMASH MK4 - CAVEMAN HIT-WITH-CLUB~!

 

Uncommon:

SMASH!

 

Rare:

CLUB SANDWICH - CHRIS PUT CLUB IN MOUTH, CHRIS JUMP, CHRIS GIVE HURT AND SMAAAAASHHHH!

 

CLUB'S EDGE - BIG FINISH MOVE EVER! CHRIS PUT CLUB IN HAIR AND DO DIVE HEAD-BUTT! IT HURT MORE CAUSE OF CLUB IN SMASH HAIR!

 

FINISH!

 

SMASH RAYN: CHRIS JUMP ON MAN TILL MAN DIE! HE SHOUT "SMAAAAAASH" AND CROWD SMILE!

 

Bio: CHRIS SMASH COME FROM UNGA TRIBE, UNGA TRIBE KICK OUT CAUSE CHRIS SMASH TOOOOO MUUUUUCH SMASHING! CHRIS ONCE EAT TREE BUT TREE TASTE BAD SO CHRIS SMASH AND SELL TO SMALL MAN AND BY SELL CHRIS MEAN CRUSH AND SMAAAASH! CHRIS COME TO I-G-N-W-F TO CAVE-SMASH AND SHOW THE CLUB OF SMASH! EVERCLEAR SMASH ALL!”

-Edwin

 

And there is the beginning of the IGN/SWF’s longest running in-joke. Now you know… the rest of the story.  

 

-Z

"Somehow, I don't think Christopher Walken would work well as a melee weapon." -King

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

That was easily one of the best threads we three kings of orient-dumb ever produced.

 

Thank you, Z, for making my child-hood dreams come true again.

 

P.S.: You want to see how far this fed has come, newish JL types?  You see the "Club's Edge" up there?  Well, there was actually a wrestler, the infamous BasketballASA, who wore a bone in his hair and called his finisher the "Bone's Edge," because it was a diving headbutt.  With a bone.  So it would hurt more.  Geeeenius...

 

The next time anyone bitches about Tiger Driver '91 or something, I'm going to edit THAT in to their stats.  Mwa ha ha ha...

[Guest Suicide King]

This brought a tear to my eye Z.  Thankee. I had forgotten that in one way or another, my promo was responsible for Caveman Chris.

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

*laughs*

 

Geez... that's so funny... maybe we should do it to Cutthroat.

 

No wait... he's ALREADY like that.

 

~Ash~

"Just you wait until I use Christopher Walken in a hardcore match!" -Ash Ketchum, about, ohhhh, six months ago, when he came out to "Weapon of Choice".

 

 

And one more thing:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHRIS SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

*sings*

 

Raynor, he's Chris Raynor,

He's the greatest dude in his-to-ryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

From the town of Baton Rouge (say it real fast and it fits)

Hey look out, he's-

 

Awwww... who the hell am I kidding?

 

*to a random death metal tune*

 

CHRIS SMASH! CHRIS SMASH STUFF GOOD!

CHRIS EAT A TREE AND THEN SMASH TOO!!!

CHRIS SMASH!!! CHRIS SMASH CI... CI... TOWN!

CHRIS GO TO AF... AF... FAR LAND AND SMASH O... O... BIN LA... LA... BAD MAN!!!

CHRIS FROM LOU... LOU... STA... STA... HERE, 3000000000 BC!!!!

CHRIS SMASH YOU GOOD!!!! AAAGH!

 

*kicks Caveman Cutthroat in the groin*

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

Please, just ANYBODY but Detroit. ANYBODY!

 

ASH MAD! ASH KICK Z IN GROIN!!! AAAAAAGH!!!!

 

*kicks Z In groin*

 

RED WINGS WIN STANLEY CUP THIS YEAR!!!!!

 

[/Caveman Chris mode]

 

Toronto sucks in everything to Detroit. Except baseball. I think.

[Guest Insanityman]

Damn after reading those I'm debating whether KoH or Suicide King gimmick is better.

 

 

Red boobies... heh heh.

[Guest realitycheck]

Well, this didn't take long to go off topic...

 

But I must defend my honor!

 

Toronto sucks in everything to Detroit. Except baseball. I think.

And I completely agree with you. As a matter of fact I HATE Toronto. HATE THEM, HATE THEM, HATE THEM. Alas, my poor Oilers didn't make the playoffs, and the Maple Laughs are the only Canadian team left in the playoffs, so que sera sera.

 

But Detroit's geezer ridden, walker using, Yankee idolizing, Hasek having, half-assed dyanasty wannabe team ain't going to the finals. Honestly, a certian 37 year old, washed-up, one legged centre can't possibly carry them all the way to the cup, right? ...right?

 

-Z

RIGHT? (Oh, and... ::No-sells, because I have BALLS of *STEEL*::)

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

Hold on. Let me look at your statement.

 

"But Detroit's geezer ridden, walker using,"

 

They're old. I'll give you that. But half the team was in the Olympics. How many did

 

"Yankee idolizing,"

 

ALL Detroiters hate the Yankees. DAMN NEW YORKERS!

 

"Hasek having,"

 

At least our goalie can kick your goalie's ass.

 

"half-assed dyanasty wannabe team ain't going to the finals."

 

Oh, really? ..|.. ..|.. Don't say that out here. Us Detroiters rip you guys apart for stuff like that. Now, the Lions are a WHOLE different story...

 

"Honestly, a certian 37 year old, washed-up, one legged centre can't possibly carry them all the way to the cup, right? ...right?"

 

Yzerman's better than ANYONE on the Leafs roster, except for Sundin. The two are at about the same level. Maybe.

 

And it's not just him, either. You forgot Hull, Lindstrom, Holmstrom, Hasek, Fedorov, Robataille, Draper, McCarty... should I stop now?

 

But hey... if the Leafs make it to the finals... I can ACTUALLY go see the Wings win all four games and the Cup! That's a plus!

[Guest Chuck Woolery]

Now, lest we forget, the Carolina Hurricanes are so totally winning the Stanley Cup... Theodore choked... why couldn't he choke against the fucking Bruins?

 

So, yeah, I'll be laughing at all of you when Carolina is your NHL champs.

 

-Mike Van Siclen

 Face it.  He's right.

[Guest realitycheck]

Taking my little joke and dissecting it? Tch, tch... you Detroiter's really ARE desperate for the cup, eh?

 

Anyway, since you're just begging for a rebuttal...

 

They're old. I'll give you that. But half the team was in the Olympics. How many did

I'll assume you meant to finish with, 'How many did my team have at Salt Lake'?

 

Well, lessie...

 

Detroit Red Wings:

Chelios, Hasek, Lidstrom, Yzerman, Shanahan.

 

Edmonton Oilers(MY team):

Brewer, Smyth, Niinimaa, Salo, Poti, Markkanen.

 

And since I'm supposed to be defending them...

 

Totonto Maple Leafs:

Joseph, Sundin, Hoglund, Berg.

 

Hardly an All-Star line up, but still...

 

At least our goalie can kick your goalie's ass.

That is quite debatable.

 

Hasek - Games/Wins/Losses/Ties/Goals Against/Shut outs/GAA

Career - 581 / 288/ 189 / 80 / 1254 / 61 / 2.23

This Season - 65 / 41 / 15 / 8 / 140 / 5 / 2.17

 

Joseph(As I'm defending the Leafs)

         Games/Wins/Losses/Ties/Goals Against/Shut outs/GAA

Career -  706 / 346 / 260 / 81 / 1908 / 36 / 2.78

This Season -  51 / 29 / 17 / 5 / 114 / 4 / 2.23

 

Joseph has played roughly a 120 more games, and has 130 more wins. He also has 170 more losses. Hasek has more than 25 shutouts more than Joseph, despite playing less games, though, thus leading to the better GAA. This season, though, he is only .6 better with one shut out out more. Hasek doesn't get any bonus points for leading the league in wins this year, as he was playing on such a stacked offensive team, despite Detroit's awful defence. Jospeh lost about 15 games due to injury, so this season's stats aren't really fair. But anyway...

 

Hasek's career win average: A win every 2.01 games.

Joseph's career win average: A win every 2.04 games.

 

That's marginal. Really, I think it all boils down to this, despite 6 Vesina trophies, a couple William M Jennings, and two Harts, Hasek has NEVER won a cup, and neither has Joseph. Hasek's been to the finals once, and this is his third confrence finals appearence, and Joseph has never been to the Finals, and this is his second CF appearence.

 

What I'm saying is, when it comes to Playoff success, these two are pretty evenly matched.

 

Yzerman's better than ANYONE on the Leafs roster, except for Sundin. The two are at about the same level. Maybe.

 

And it's not just him, either. You forgot Hull, Lindstrom, Holmstrom, Hasek, Fedorov, Robataille, Draper, McCarty... should I stop now?

 

THERE is a fanboy statement. That's utterly ridiculous. I don't like Sundin very much, but c'mon, the only forward on the roster 'equal' to Sundin or better would be Fedorov or Shanahan. Let's do some breakdowns...

 

Yzerman/Sundin - Yzerman centred a line of Hull and Robitalille, and got away with LESS than fifty points. Sundin, though asoft point a game guy, was stuck between a floater and Gary Roberts most of the season, and has eighty points and fourty goals. Advantage Maple Leafs.

 

Roberts/Shanahan - Both of them were very good this season, even if Roberts didn't play some of the season. Shanny is lead Detroit in scoring for the second season, and is bringing it in the playoffs, so despite the fact Roberts is the only reason the Leafs are even this far in the playoffs, Advantage Detroit.

 

Lidstrom/Mcabe - Even if Yuschevich were healthy, this is a total mismatch. Advantage Detroit.

 

Fedorov/Moginy - Sergei had a better regular season (68 points) opposed to Mogilny (57 points) but Alex was injured for a good part of the season. On top of that, Sergei only has two goals in the Playoffs, opposed to Alex's eight. 2 game winners. Based on that, Advantage Maple Leafs.

 

Hull and Robitaille/Reichel and Renberg - Both combined for a hundred points, and both are made up of washed up floaters. Hmm... I'd usually use Playoff points to decide which tandem was better, but Reichel/Renberg have been injured, and Hull/Robitaille have been invisible on the scoresheet. I'll call it a draw, but I will say that if Renberg and Reichel had been present, the leafs wouldn't of had to go 7 games for all of their series...

 

Draper/McCarty/Holmstrom v Domi/Tucker/Corson - Both can match each other blow-for-blow in terms of cheap hits, but Tucker and Corson can actually score, while Holmstrom and Draper have been shooting blanks. Advantage Maple Leafs.

 

Basically, what I'm saying is that the Leafs would be even-y against the Wings in the final... if they were healthy. If they do manage to get past Carolina, the Wings would prbably feast on them. Or the momentum might carry them past them, you never know. But aren't you assuming too much by not even mentioning that Colorado stands in the way of Detroit?

 

I really couldn't help doing some sort of rebuttal, sorry Ash.

 

-Z

EDIT: Don't make me do this to you, too, Mike...

[Guest Chuck Woolery]

Bah... I'm still bitter about the Bruins getting knocked out so early... Thornton was fucking invisible, Guerin/Samsonov did almost nothing, and they ran into a hot goaltender who ran cold against the fucking Hurricanes?  WHAT THE FUCK!!!

 

So, yeah.  I support the Hurricanes, mainly because they used to be in Hartford, but like you, I just don't want to see Detroit win.

 

And what about Colorado?  We all automatically assume that Detroit's going to  make it, and we're all overlooking the Avs, who hold many many victories over the Red Wings.

 

- Mike Van Siclen

  Go anyone but Detroit!

[Guest chirs3]

s...smash?