Ultimate Warrior to return to WWE with make over!

[Guest grapesoda]

“Ultimate Warrior to Return to WWE with big make over!”

 

Dear Wrestling Fans,

 

 

The Ultimate Warrior will finally return to WWE after a long 8-year absence. WWE will however bill the Ultimate Warrior has Hellwig. Wellwig’s gimmick will be very similar to the character he plays on CSPAN and Ivy league colleges, which causes a great amount of chaos with his words and actions. If you haven’t already heard The Warrior commonly asks Iran students where their rugs are or insults gays by questioning homosexuals why they didn’t bring their tinker bells. Those comments have gotten the Warrior some negative press recently, which the WWE hopes to capitalize on.

 

The WWE will start airing clips of the Ultimate Warrior defeating Ravishing Rick Rude and The Honky Tonk Man on their programming stating “The Warrior is Coming!”. The next week the Ultimate Warrior’s music will play and the Ultimate Warrior will come down the ring running 20 miles per hour like he always does and will start to shaking the ropes. The Warrior however will then pull a wash cloth out of his wrestling trunks and wash his face paint off. The Ultimate Warrior then will say, “The Ultimate Warrior is dead! Hellwig is born and ready to defeat the hypocrites of the wrestling world. So called Christians and role models with hidden secrets will be vanished from the corrupt wrestling empire known as Titan! Next week the first hypocrite faces his moment of truth!”.

 

The next week Shawn Michaels will defeat Chris Master in a hard fought match and then Hellwig will attack HBK from behind with a big running should block. Hellwig will bust HBK wide open and then will use HBK’s own blood to write the words “Satan’s Property”. The next week Maria will do an exclusive interview with Hellwig. Maria will ask Hellwig “I have a theory that you aren’t best friends with Shawn Michaels. Why did you write Satan’s Property on Shawn’s body?” Hellwig will say “First Maria I have a piece of footage just for you! Play it you video hypocrites!”. The footage will show Maria getting her degree from Coca Puffy’s University while a giant rooster like character hands Maria her diploma to her. Hellwig than will say “Maria how are you even qualified to interview me?”. Maria will start crying and run away. Hellwig then will unveil a Shawn Michaels T-Shirt that has HBK in the center of the cross. Hellwig will say “Shawn how do you think Christ feels about this T-Shirt design. Are you trying to overshadow your so called father with this piece of merchandise that is making you thousands of dollars? Why don’t you admit who your real savior is! I’m not afraid to admit that I love the big man down stairs. Why don’t you accept the truth Shawn?”. The next week HBK will battle Tyson Tomeko in a competitive match up when all of a sudden Hellwig appears on the Titantron. Hellwig will say “The moment of truth has arrived. Here is proof Shawn loves the ruler of the big fire pit down south. Rule the footage hypocrites!” The footage will show Shawn saying the lord’s name in vain after getting beat up by various heels on Raw. Hellwig will say “Lucifer loves it when he take God’s name in vain. You make Jesus shed a tear from the heavens every time you do it. That proves who your real savior is Shawn!” Shawn will leave his match with Tyson while acting very motionless and depressed. HBK will finally respond to Hellwig’s comments the next week on Raw as Shawn will say “Hellwig I had about enough of your mockery of God and mockery of my religion as a whole. I’m going to prove I’m a believer in Jesus by making you a Christian. I want a match with you Hellwig and if you lose you must go to church with me!”. Hellwig will accept the challenge but only if Shawn will attend the House of Lucifer if he loses. Hellwig will say “Shawn you’ll be addicted in Satanism once you take part in one of our orgyfests.” Jerry Lawler will then say “I think I want to be a Satanist!”. The first Good VS Evil match will then take place at Summerslam between Shawn Michaels VS Hellwig. Shawn will win the match so Hellwig will have to go to church with Shawn! Tully Blanchard will give the Sunday service that Shawn and Hellwig go to. The ushers will come down collecting the money when all of a sudden Hellwig gives the ushers a double clothesline. Hellwig will then steal the church collection money and hot wire Tully Blanchard’s vehicle, which will be a Saturn with the Four Horseman sprayed painted on the front of the car. The Four Horseman consisting of Nature Boy Ric Flair, The Enforcer Arn Anderson, The Total Package Lex Luger, and Ole Anderson will save the church’s collection money by riding horses coming in the opposite direction of Hellwig. The Four Horseman will fire shot gun shots at the tires of the vehicle Hellwig stole. Hellwig will crash into a Simon Dean fitno shake billboard while going 95 miles per hour. This angle is based on a true Jim Hellwig story as Hellwig once stole 25,000 dollars from a independent wrestling company in Las Vegas about 10 years ago.

 

Hellwig will be out of action for a few weeks and will return on the Smackdown brand. Chris Beniot will be wrestling JBL for the WWE championship when all of a sudden Hellwig comes down with the Dynamite Kid who is in a wheelchair. Hellwig will push the Dynamite Kid down a 7 foot stage though two tables. Hellwig will then pull out a giant needle filled with Cortisone and inject the needle into Dynamite’s back. Hellwig will than say “That’s the price you pay for wrestling stardom!” Beniot will attempt to make the save by Hellwig will give Chris Beniot a low blow. Hellwig will than ram Dynamite Kid’s wheelchair into Beniot’s skull. The next week on Smackdown will feature an exclusive interview with Hellwig being interviewed with Steve Romero. Steve will ask Hellwig “Why did you disrespect a wrestling legend by throwing him down a seven foot stage?”. Hellwig will then say “Before I answer that question I have something for you Steve! Roll the footage hypocrites!”. The footage will show Steve giving head to Pat Patterson. Hellwig will then say “A better question is how you got a broadcasting job with Smackdown!”. Steve will start crying and run off. Hellwig will than say “Chris Beniot why don’t you tell the wrestling world why you lost to a 24 year old snot nose punk kid named Randy Orton. I’ll give you a week for you to tell the fans or else!” The next week Chris Beniot will be wrestling Orlando Jordan when Hellwig comes down and says “Beniot your time is up! Roll the footage!” The video will show Benoit smoking a couple of cigarettes before his big title match at Summerslam against Randy Orton. Hellwig will say “Beniot your not a role model and your not even a complete wrestler because your cigarette fetish has destroyed your cardiovascular system! If you love wrestling so much why don’t you give up smoking so you can be the best technical wrestler in the WWE that you claim to be?”. Beniot will than run down the ramp and attempt to attack Hellwig but Hellwig will jam a cigar into Beniot’s eye socket. Hellwig will then put a giant One Warrior Nation nicotine patch on Beniot midsection, which will cause Beniot to have a seizure. Hellwig will say “That will make you think twice about the dangers of nicotine products!”. The next week Beniot will give a interview saying “Hellwigs one to talk about wrestling ability. I don’t think all the years I’ve seen Hellwig wrestle that he’s done one wrestling move. To be honest I don’t think Hellwig knows a wrist lock from a wrist watch. I have a special challenge for Hellwig. If Hellwig can beat me I’ll give up tobacco products for life but if I beat him he’s going to learn at least one wrestling move because his ass is going

straight to New Japan Wrestling!”. Beniot will make Hellwig tap out to the Crippler Crossface at the main event of No Mercy. Smackdown will then have a weekly wrestling feature called Warrior’s Wrestling Classics, which will feature Hellwig battle New Japan’s best wrestlers such as Justin Thunder Liger, Koji Kitao, Kensuke Kasaki and the Great Muta!

 

Many are questioning as to how Hellwig and WWE have finally settled their differences after so many years of bitter feelings. Most feel that Hellwig wants to promote his new autobiography called “Learn not to be a Hypocrite” upon his return to WWE while WWE feels that Hellwig still has great name value. Maybe the good news is that Hellwig may become a passable wrestler by getting to wrestle HBK, Chris Beniot, and most importantly the superstars of New Japan Wrestling. Peace out and have a nice day

 

sincerely,

 

Chickie Singer

[TheFranchise 0]

edit: oh never mind.

[spman 0]

The fuck

[The Dames 0]

Well, while this bastard enjoys posting fake news and stories...

 

I enjoy banning them.

 

Dames

[slimm44 0]

I started to believe it, then they started going into details which I knew was fake. Nice try though

[Jericholic82 0]

Thanks for banning that person Dames.

[AndrewTS 0]

I smelled BS from the beginning, but having HBK put him over like that? What kind of idiots does this guy take us for?

 

He could have at least put in a part where HHH beats him. That I could believe.

[zyn081 0]

I smelled BS from the beginning, but having HBK put him over like that?  What kind of idiots does this guy take us for?

 

He could have at least put in a part where HHH beats him.  That I could believe.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

It is a bit funny. What was this guys other post?

 

I find this line funnier though:

 

He could have at least put in a part where HHH beats him.  That I could believe.

 

Hillarious, and unlike the long crap post, its very true. Blame your getting banned on failing to include the HHH line. You have been warned and now, be gone. LOL.

[Richard 0]

The Rick Steiner song was funny though.