Random review #1

[Guest TheHulkster]

Hey you Hulkamaniacs! It’s the Hulkster here with his first ever Random Review!!!!

Every few days I’m going to pick a tape out of my humongous collection to review because either:

A) I’m bored and need to entertain myself with one of the things I love most in this world: Professional Wrestling

B) I want to entertain you people because I love and respect my fellow wrestling fans.

C) I have no life                                                                                                        

D) All of the above                                                                    

If you picked D, give yourself a big hand. Anyway, enough with the BS, it’s time for some action. Today’s Random Review isn’t really all that Random, but it’s one of my favorite tapes: RF video’s Best of Bruiser Brody. I’ve been a huge Bruiser Brody mark since my days as a wee lad watching World Class Championship Wrestling, my favorite fed during my youth (I cried when Eric Embry beat PY Chu Hi and it all ended).

So hold on to your hats folks, it’s time for some running knee drops, a whole lot of Huffs, a whole lot of Funk, a few big boots, thousands of scared fans, and some chain swinging as we step into the realm of the best damn brawler to have ever lived: Bruiser Brody. Huff, Huff, Huff…..

We start with a music video of our friend Brody kicking the asses of Giant Baba, Jumbo Tsuruta, and Dory Funk. Not exactly WWE level production, but it’s the early 80’s, so hey.                                                              

Match #1

Terry Funk Vs Bruiser Brody- All Japan 1982

The shitty disco music is cued, bringing out one half of the legendary Texas Broncos, Terry Funk. Hot Asian women wait in the ring with roses as good old Uncle Terry throws flowers to the crowd. The video quality is shit, but what else is new. Next comes the crazed, chain swinging bastard himself, Huffing like a son of a bitch. The Brody Theory of Huffitivity: Fast Huffing = Brody is really pissed off, Slow Huffing = He’s mildly annoyed. Let’s just say Funk is a dead man.  Brody Starts out the carnage with some overhand chops with what appears to be a loaded hand, and of course Funk is selling it like he got hit with a baseball bat. Even falling through the middle rope and doing a good old fashioned blade job. We head back into the ring, as Brody hits the top rope with a deadly loaded chop to the head Ricky Steamboat style. Funk is in a coma. The Knee Drop of Death comes next, but that old bastard still has some life left in him, kicking out at 2 and 7/8ths. So Brody hits him with the loaded chop again, leading to a backbreaker submission. Brody gets a few Huffs in before pinning Funk again to a 2 count. So Brody is all “Fuck this” and hits him with the Running Knee Drop of Death, which is illegal in 47 states and 4 provinces, but we’re in Japan, the land of electric spider wire, thumbtack, death matches making it all legal. Brody gets cocky and goes for another one, but the wily old veteran Funk moves, hitting hit with 2 JYD style crawling headbutts before breaking out those infamous Terry Funk punches. Brody goes down to a knee and Funk continues the onslaught, busting Brody open (I know, I’m shocked too). Funk bites that wound like an animal and Brody can’t see. Funk just starts leveling Brody with Haymakers to the open wound, whipping him into the corner. Funk charges, but Brody is wise to the old Texan’s tricks and moves out of the way. Funk, of course, sells it like he ran into a brick wall. His knee is injured in the process, so Brody goes to town on it with knees and elbows. Terry rakes his eyes as “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka joins us at ringside. Brody is staggered briefly, but goes right back on Funk with kicks to the knee. He then sets Funk’s leg up on the bottom rope for some Ric Flair style BUTT drops on the knee. The Funker fight out of it, and by this time Brody is just bleeding everywhere. Now it’s back and forth brawling as the fans respond. Brody looks like he severed an artery. Funk gets the best of that battle and ends up piledriving Brody’s bloody skull into the nice blue All Japan mats. That’s not enough to put Brody away, so he tries another Piledriver, and Brody back body drops him, knocking over the referee. They start peppering each other with shots and trade headlocks until Brody shoves Funk into the ropes, then hitting him with a hard shot to the back of Funk’s skull, sending the Texan over the top rope. Brody joins Funk outside to continue the assault, slamming his head into a nearby table until the Funker shoves him into the steel post. Snuka joins the fun and starts hitting Terry, but Funk isn’t in the mood for Jimmy’s shit and takes Snuka inside the ring, applying the Dreaded Spinning Toehold. Brody finally gets up from his little nap on the outside and brings his trusty chain along with him. Funk gets the heavy steel across the back of his head, and gets his leg tied to the chain. Brody and Snuka mutilate old Uncle Terry’s leg until Dory comes out to save his brother. It’s European uppercuts galore as the ring boys scatter inside the ring to stop the carnage. I would assume it’s a DQ for Brody, but my Japanese kind of sucks.

 

I don’t like using star ratings for matches off of tapes where the same guy is in every match, so I’m going to use a Brody based point system:

1 Point if Brody bleeds

2 Points if Brody and his opponent bleed

 

1 Point if he busts out the knee drop

2 points if he busts out the running knee drop

3 points if he busts out the top rope knee drop

 

1 point if he huffs a lot before the match

2 points if he huffs a lot during the match

3 points for huff periods lasting over 2 minutes with the fans huffing along

 

1 point for a World Class tag match

2 points for a tag match with Stan Hansen

3 points for a tag match with Snuka

4 points for a singles match

 

1 point if he hits the big boot

2 points if he hits the screaming body slam

3 points if he hits that amazing leapfrog of his.

 

1 point for fighting in the crowd

2 points for fighting in the crowd and using a table

 

1 point for a slugfest

 

5 points for good psychology

Some cancel each other out, but some count twice. Like if Brody bleeds, the match gets 1 point, but if both he and his opponent bleed, its only 2 points, not 3. Same deal with the huffing, the tag matches, and fighting in the crowd. Some add up. Like if he hits the knee drop and the running knee drops, that’s 3 points. It’s the Same deal with the big boot, body slam, and leap frog. It's a bit offputting at first, but it's a better way to ensure that you're getting the most Brody out of the match than a star rating system.

The maximum amount of points is 30, being the ultimate Bruiser Brody match, giving you the essence of all of what Bruiser Brody was all about.  Anything above fifteen, you can be rest assured it’s good stuff. Anything less is a crappy Bruiser Brody match.

 

Brody Vs Funk on the Brody Mayhem scale: 20

 

Analysis: Very entertaining and wild brawl. Funk is his usual awesome self, selling like he’s on his deathbed and hitting his comeback at the right time while keeping up with Brody punch for punch. Brody brought the violence big time.

[Guest TheHulkster]

Match #2

Bruiser Brody Vs Abdullah the Butcher- World Class: Cotton Bowl Cage match

 This match is JIP as Brody climbs to top rope to deliver a flying chop to a bloodied Abby, bringing Abby to his knees. Brody is already bloodied as he bounces off the ropes and plasters Abby with a big boot. Abby grabs a fork from Gary Hart and busts it against Brody’s forehead. Special referee Fritz Von Erich grabs the weapon away from Abby and starts slugging away at the butcher. Brody crawls over for the pin. Gary Hart gets in Fritz’s face, and Abby tries to attack from behind but Super(old)man fights them both off.  Referees pour in to stop the battle.

 

Brody Vs Abdullah the Butcher on the Brody Violence Scale: 7

Analysis: Being JIP really hurt this one. Working with Abdullah the Butcher did Brody no favors either.

[Guest TheHulkster]

Match #3

Bruiser Brody & Superfly Jimmy Snuka w/ Stan Hansen

Vs

The Texas Broncos (Terry & Dory Funk)

Many say that the Team of Stan Hansen and Bruiser Brody are far superior to the team of Brody and Snuka, but I kind of disagree (hey, I’m a Snuka mark). Snuka and Brody compliment each other well, but Brody and Hansen still are an amazing team. Anyway, it cuts to dual dreaded Spinning Toeholds by the Funks out of nowhere. Brody manages to kick Terry out of the ring mid-spin, following him outside and whipping him into a stiff looking lariat by Hansen. Brody takes this opportunity to climb the top turnbuckle and chop Dory in the head, forcing him to release the Toehold from Snuka. Then it’s Running Kneedrop of death time for Dory and it’s over. Brody and Snuka accept their tag trophies, but Dory won’t have it. He attacks them mid-celebration, and the 3 proceed to beat the shit out of him until Super(odd looking)man Giant Baba runs in and hits everyone with his shitty chops. Jumbo Tsuruta joins the fun and we have a wild 6-man brawl. The heels scurry to the back while Baba and Tsuruta stand in the ring looking pissed off.

 

Brody & Snuka Vs The Texas Broncos on the Brody Violence Scale: 6

Analysis: Too little was shown of this one, but what I saw was pretty solid. Stan Hansen damn near killed Terry Funk with that lariat. Not a whole lot of bloodshed for a Brody match, with only a small trickle above Brody’s temple

 

Promo time with King Kong Brody:

Today’s subject is the Nature Boy Ric Flair. Brody wasn’t a good promo guy at all, but his expressions were good and he looked scary. The gist of the promo is that he’s pissed off because he pinned Flair and isn’t the NWA Champion and he wants a rematch. It was an 80’s promo, what can I say. In case you’re wondering about the King Kong nickname, he lost a match when he was in the AWA to Dick the Bruiser for the rights to the name Bruiser. It’s kind of like when Booker T lost his T in WCW to the new Harlem Heat.

 

Match #4

Bruiser Brody Vs Kamala

The video quality is beyond horrendous. We start with both men trading chops to the forehead with Brody winning the exchange with a vile double chop to the forehead. Brody bites the forehead of Kamala, and I can’t tell if he’s bleeding or not because the match has no color and it’s really jumpy. Kamala chops back, knocking Brody down and choking him, but Brody fights back while I write hate mail to RF. It’s all chops the head ladies and gentlemen. Brody chops, then Kamala chops back, ad infinitum. Dear god, we see something other than a chop as Brody dropkicks Kamala. He then runs out and drags Friday into the ring and beats his ass. Kamala attacks him from behind with more of those amazing chops of his. The announcer says that Brody is cut open, so I guess I’ll take his word for it. What do you know? The match totally shits out, and it’s a used car commercial with our pal Bruiser Brody.

 

Bruiser Brody Vs Kamala on the Brody Violence Scale: 5

Analysis: Fuck you RF. (the match, from what I saw of it was shit btw)

 

Match #5

Bruiser Brody & Stan Hansen Vs Giant Baba & Dory Funk w/ Terry Funk

But first we get a music video of Brody and Hansen kicking everyone’s ass.  That funky disco music plays, which can mean only one thing: Cowboys! Terry looks like a plantation owner in his white suit and cowboy hat. Huffs can be heard off in the distance as our pals Bruiser Brody and Stan Hansen charge out to the ring. Unlike the Funks, Brody & Hansen had some swank music. Anyway, Brody starts the mind games by huffing at Baba. Hansen jumps right in and starts attacking Baba, while Brody throws Dory to the outside. Baba whips Hansen to the ropes and delivers one of those (not so) thunderous chops to Hansen’s chest. Hansen knows who hands out the paychecks as he sells it like he was hit in the chest with a hammer. The referee gets things under control, and it’s Hansen and Dory starting it out. Hansen slams him in the chest with one of his patented elbows, then whips him across the ring and hits him with the elbow again. It’s Brody time, as he gets tagged in and hits the big boot to Dory’s ribs, which seems to be their primary area of attack. Brody whips Dory to the ropes for a Back Body Drop, Dory tries a sunset flip, but Brody cuffs him in the skull. He tags out to Hansen, who delivers a mighty stiff chop to Dory’s chest. A body slam leads to one of Hansen’s patented Elbow Drops. Hansen goes for a pin, but Dory kicks out at two. Dory snatches Hansen’s leg and hits the dreaded spinning toehold out of nowhere, but Hansen wisely kicks out of it. Brody gets tagged back in and hits the screaming body slam. He slows it down a bit with a rear chin lock. Dory shoves out of it, but runs into a big shoulder block from Brody. Brody runs the ropes again, but Dory surprises him with a hip toss. Dory busts out those famous Euro Uppercuts of his and tags out to Baba. Pop Quiz: What does Baba do the second he gets in the ring?

A) Hits him with a mighty drop kick

B) Applies a technical hold

C) He hits him with a bunch of shitty chops

If you guessed C, give yourself a hand, you deserve it. Miscommunication spot, as they fight into Brody’s corner, Hansen grabs a hold of Baba. Brody runs in for the big boot and take a wild guess who he hits? Baba tries fighting out of the corner, but the forces of Brody and Hansen prove to be too strong. Hansen tags in and snapmares Baba down and hits him with a knee drop. Brody can be seen seething in the corner at the blatant gimmick infringement. A cover gets a 2 as Hansen applies a neck vice. This gives the crowd some time to chant for Baba. Brody gets the tag and busts Baba in the head with a big boot. Brody applies a headlock, but Baba shoves off and they crisscross the ring ropes until Baba hits the chop. Baba shoots Brody in for a big boot, but Brody wisely holds on to the ropes. Baba tags out to Dory. Brody and Dory lock up. Brody powers him into the corner and pounds on his chest with several big forearms. A Brody suplex is blocked and reversed into a suplex by Dory. Dory shoots Bruiser into the ropes and hits him with a Drop kick. A shot to the corner leads to Dory getting kicked in the face and Brody tagging out to Hansen. Hansen whips Dory to the ropes, but it gets reversed and Dory hits Hansen with Hansen’s patented elbow to the chest sending him outside the ring. Hansen crawls back in, receiving a body slam and a elbow drop as it seems Dory is taking a couple pages out of Hansen’s playbook. Baba gets the tag, and it’s double team chops from Baba and Dory. A Russian leg sweep by Baba shocks the crowd as they actually see Baba execute a wrestling move. Funk tags back in and hits him with European uppercuts. He tries for a Back Body Drop and gets countered by a kick to the chest by Hansen. Will anyone in this match ever hit that move? Hansen hits him with an Elbow drop and goes for the cover for 2. He tags to Brody and Brody goes upstairs, hitting a chop to the noggin.  Brody goes for the cover for 2, then whips him into the ropes for a drop kick as the crowd “oohs” and “ahhs”.  Brody gives us a few Huffs and tags out to Hansen. Hansen hits Dory with a Back Suplex right in the middle and goes for the cover, but Baba runs in and stomps Hansen. Hansen shoots Dory into the ropes for a cross body block, but Baba interrupts the count again. Another tag to Brody, Brody hits a Power Slam on Dory for 2. Dory fights back, but catches a big boot to the chest. Dory rolls out and tags to Baba, who, you guess it, chops Brody in the head. Baba hits 4 consecutive eye rakes and whips Brody in for the big boot. Hansen interrupts a cover with and elbow drop, and knocks Dory off the apron to the floor. Brody and Hansen double team Baba, and hit him stuff pile driver. Baba miraculously kicks out, and Dory tags in. Dory is a house of fire with European uppercuts, Brody huffing after each one. Dory snapmares Brody, and attempts an Elbow drop, but Brody is wise to his tactics and moves out of the way. They try a stuff pile driver on Dory, but Terry pulls Hansen off the top rope to the floor. Brody hits the piledriver anyway and its time for the Running Knee Drop of Death. DORY KICKS OUT! Brody hits it again, but Terry pulls him off of Dory.  Hansen and Brody beat Terry bloody and strip him of his plantation suit. Dory joins the fray only to take a shit kicking. Terry fights them both with those awesome punches of his, but gets hit with a nasty running Elbow to the head. A 2nd rope elbow by Hansen misses its mark and Terry starts beating the shit out of Brody. Hansen attack him from behind and bites Terry’s open wound. Brody and Hansen whip Terry to the ropes and hit him with a double shoulder block. Terry sells it like he got hit in the chest with a shovel. It’s fucking mayhem, but Terry keeps fighting back and Brody and Hansen keep kicking his ass. They finally have had enough and just toss Terry over the top rope. Hansen and Brody are awarded the victory by DQ. The Funks attack them as they are leaving and they fight into the crowd. There are chairs and tables flying everywhere. The ring boys try to stop it, but Brody and Hansen beat their asses too.  The fight finally gets broken up and Brody and Hansen head to the back.

 

Brody & Hansen Vs Baba & Dory on the Brody Violence Scale: 21

Analysis: Damn, what a match. The psychology was superb, there was loads of violence, a great ending, it was good and long, and Brody hit all his Trademark spots. The only thing holding it back was Baba, but he wasn’t in there for a very long time. Highly recommended.

[Guest RetroRob215]

Good job.  Thankfully you began to use the "enter" key around the 2nd match.  Next time though, just post the entire review in one shot, it's a little annoying to have to read 3 different posts to get the whole thing.  It kills the flow of the review.

[Guest TheHulkster]

I understand your point, but this is a hella long rant, over 6 hours, so I want to present it in intallments.

[Guest nWoScorpion]

Do 3-4 matchs in Part 1, and repeat til you finish, instead of doing 1 match at a time (unless their 50 minute Flair matches)

[Guest RetroRob215]

I understand your point, but this is a hella long rant, over 6 hours, so I want to present it in intallments.

Yeah, I have done a few of those too.  Usually I post "Part 1" and then wait a few days to post the next part.  That way the readers can comment on each part individually.